3 yrs to FI: ertyu's journal

Where are you and where are you going?
ertyu
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Re: 3 yrs to FI: ertyu's journal

Post by ertyu »

went off on father. told him he's a small man, and to try saying something positive and validating about someone to see if his tongue would shrivel and fall out.

he laughed. my mother did, too, in an exaggerated, nervous way. i am sick in my bones of these people.

just sharing.

to address the, "dude, why the fuck have you not moved out yet" chorus, I am having a bad premonition about this. I have rationally sounding reasons, such as not wanting to shell out the initial cash required to furnish a rented place (get bedsheets, space heater, etc.) and also, not wanting to because i'm not interested in settling in my home town for a longer stretch. But those aren't the real reasons. I think I shared once that I have a woo-woo streak. But lately, when thinking about moving out, have been seeing negative omens and have been drawing negative tarot cards, both about future employment prospects and about the fact that lean times are coming. I was not financially ready to quit work, still am not, but at the same time have a sense that the world is changing in a way that will mean i will no longer be able to work abroad. I have the sense that this is it with me and full time employment, and i need to make the money last. I am FI in local terms, at 4%. But I have a feeling that this is illusory, that the world is changing and tectonic shifts are in place that don't show up on the surface yet but once they do they'll crumble the entire potemkin village that's the world around me. Even if this is indeed under way, moving out would not halt it. I don't even know.

Jason
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Re: 3 yrs to FI: ertyu's journal

Post by Jason »

ertyu wrote:
Sun Jun 28, 2020 11:04 am
he laughed. my mother did, too, in an exaggerated, nervous way. i am sick in my bones of these people.
That is truly a great sentence. Something out of a 19th century Russian novel. Sorry its autobiographical.

ertyu
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Re: 3 yrs to FI: ertyu's journal

Post by ertyu »

@jason I’m a Slav it’s our collective unconscious :lol:

Jason
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Re: 3 yrs to FI: ertyu's journal

Post by Jason »

I think this is helping me understand you. Your thread is very Solzhenitsyn. A circle of hell you have become used to. Maybe rename it "FI in The Parental Gulag."

ertyu
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Re: 3 yrs to FI: ertyu's journal

Post by ertyu »

Now that's a guy I should have read and haven't. Will add to my list of projects and things.

bigato
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Re: 3 yrs to FI: ertyu's journal

Post by bigato »

Well nevermind the bad omens and tarot cards, but the concerns you bring are very real. We could be at the start of a really bad decade for the world. If that was not only a possibility and a feeling, but something guaranteed to go down, what would you do?

ertyu
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Re: 3 yrs to FI: ertyu's journal

Post by ertyu »

I would stay put and restrict my spending to the maximum. I would also have to find what to put my money in that isn't cash. But that's exactly the issue: staying put is proving to be very difficult psychologically. Plus it's been difficult to work on my other goals (have covered this before a little bit, attracting attention to myself results in criticism and being told that what i am doing is not what i should be doing and lectures on how I should be doing what parents want me to do instead. And yes, I know I should ignore it and not let it get to me, but I'm a Sensitive Snowflake so it gets to me). Today's argument with my father was exactly about this: there was a documentary about the ancient civilizatins of latin america on the tv and i decided to tell him about a book i am currently reading which mentions the significance of shrooms in those cultures (*)

(*) Book is *Changing Your Mind* by Pollan, following a recommendation to look into shrooms i received on this journal.

I didn't realize I was happy, but I was happy: my father and I were sharing an interest, and I was telling him about something I'd read that I found interesting! Didn'r last long. Me mentioning the book I read resulted in a criticism about how reading this book is useless because it's about a far-off region of the world and is impractical. I shouldn't be wasting my time on bullshit, I should be studying IT instead so I can be a high earning professional and finally return to work either at home country or in Europe and get married and have children. He's not violent and he's not a drunk, but every expression of joy or of sincere interest and passion is criticized and punished, and has been through the years - I think I mentioned in a previous post about how I was reading a book that made him want to shit on it, etcetera (it was a socialist textbook of economics; as someone that was then studying economics at university I was curious to see how (1) the material compared to what I was studying and (2) to compare how the socialist regime embodied ideology in its economic theory to justify itself vs. what I could see of the ideology implicit in the "capitalist" economics I was studying).

I want to completely cut off ties with them, even though there will be a lot of guilt on my part, and even though I feel like it's all my fault and there must be something wrong with me if I can't just "deal with it" and don't let my parents get to me. They love me and they just want the best for me, yaddah yaddah, so why can't I just be understanding? I want to move out and live my life, but I cannot afford it. Due to state of the world + state of my debilitating depression, I may never work again --- and winter is coming.

bigato
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Re: 3 yrs to FI: ertyu's journal

Post by bigato »

If you didn't have your parents (let's say that in a parallel universe they died 10 years ago leaving nothing for you), what would you be doing now?

ertyu
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Re: 3 yrs to FI: ertyu's journal

Post by ertyu »

I would pay my siblings their share of the current apartment and I would slowly be putting sweat equity into it. It has a good location, close to the park, so that allows one to go run really easily and also to really easily pack a thermos of coffee and sit on a bench surrounded by trees to drink it.

(*) buying my own fixer-upper apartment in this location might absorb too large a chunk of net worth, so I have ruled it out, especially given I am not sure I want to settle in Home Town long term. But I would be much more willing to stay here if my parents were already gone and if I could have the apartment cheaply as I only would be paying for it the part of the price which isn't covered by my share of the inheritance.

Assuming this apartment magically disappeared 10 yrs ago with my parents, I would probably be renting a small attic room somewhere, translating amateur gay porn from Russian to English for free, spending lots of time hanging out at coffeeshops, and reading all the bullshit books in the world. Also, sudoku.

Well, no. That's what I would do if I had the luxury to never think about full employment again. As it stands, what I should be doing is fixing my health and fitness so I can go back to work for at least one or two more years - assuming, of course, that work would be available.

plantingtheseed
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Re: 3 yrs to FI: ertyu's journal

Post by plantingtheseed »

Hi ertyu,

I generally don't follow others' journals but I ventured out a bit while transitioning to a new home.

One of noticeable uptick that I see is a higher demand for IT network security for things that are cisco-centric.

As you maybe aware, they are moving away from ios to a newer platform with more heuristic options for intrusion detection etc.

If you have the free time, might be worthwhile.

p.s.:
The rationale is as follows:

1. Sometimes focusing on something else to channel the energy in the midst of multiple issues can calm one's mind.
2. It will immediately restore harmony to the household (and get your parents off of your back :D)
3. If it works out, then it's a bonus. If it's doesn't, you haven't lost anything.

Jason
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Re: 3 yrs to FI: ertyu's journal

Post by Jason »

ertyu wrote:
Sun Jun 28, 2020 5:06 pm
Assuming this apartment magically disappeared 10 yrs ago with my parents, I would probably be renting a small attic room somewhere, translating amateur gay porn from Russian to English for free, spending lots of time hanging out at coffeeshops, and reading all the bullshit books in the world. Also, sudoku.
I think you need a companion. How about a talking cat. But not just an ordinary talking cat, but a despondent, suicidal, Slavic cat that over time, shoots a bullet into its asshole 9 times before it doesn't come back for good.

ertyu
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Re: 3 yrs to FI: ertyu's journal

Post by ertyu »

Dude, I need therapy, but you do too

Why the need to come on my journal specifically to put me down does it help you bust an ego nut or what

If you need -this- to feel a sense of self-confidence and control, it's you who should be getting a life

Be supportive or get lost. Life is full of enough grumpy old cunts. I live with one, don't need a second one to come tell me I don't jive with his notions of masculinity
Last edited by ertyu on Mon Jun 29, 2020 7:47 am, edited 1 time in total.

Jason
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Re: 3 yrs to FI: ertyu's journal

Post by Jason »

I'm in therapy. You obviously don't read my thread. I'm kind of hurt.

In any event, I was joking. I didn't realize cats carried firearms in your neck of the woods.
Last edited by Jason on Mon Jun 29, 2020 7:52 am, edited 1 time in total.

ertyu
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Re: 3 yrs to FI: ertyu's journal

Post by ertyu »

Jason wrote:
Mon Jun 29, 2020 7:47 am
I'm in therapy. You obviously don't read my thread.
Well, what an excellent thing to bring to your therapist in your next session then

Seriously - I like you, you have an awesome dry sarcastic sense of humor, but you need to cut this crap

mrchopboy
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Re: 3 yrs to FI: ertyu's journal

Post by mrchopboy »

wrote a pretty length post, which got lost when I tried to submit it :| Don't have it in me to rewrite it all but wanted to share something. I've enjoyed reading your journal ertyu, your honesty is refreshing. I resonate with quite a few of the things you've written about. I think the interaction with your father was a win in my book. My dad disowned me once (possibly twice cant' remember now) for rejecting the life he had planned for me (I didn't want to be an engineer). I've gotten into numerous shouting matches over the years, said hurtful things I wish I could take back, and in the end I still want his approval and desire a connection with him. The stuff our parents say to us have incredible power. I never realized this until I had my own kids.

Others have said this, but it's clear you have very many intellectual gifts, powers of observation, sensitivity, introspection, all very valuable (and dare I say rare) qualities in the world. Do you feel like the world doesn't value these qualities of yours? Do you doubt whether you could offer value that the world would be willing to pay you for?

I could not cut it as a professional 9-5 drone. If my heart's not in it, I can't fake it enough to stick with it. I feel your anxiety over money and stability. If you're not against working part time or taking up freelance/side gigs, have you tried listing out the skillets that you could monetize without much additional investment (education/training etc.)

A few years back, I was dealing with depression in a way that I had never experienced before. Recently married, kid on the way, not happy with my life trajectory, feeling trapped and overwhelmed by all my regrets/past mistakes. My wife begged me to go see a therapist, I resisted for a long time. I have no problem taking out my shit and being open, but I don't like paying someone to listen to me talk about my shit and offering advice on how to address it. I know it works for a lot of people, but I was deeply skeptical. And I really didn't want to spend the money as I hate spending money. Long story short, my first appointment got cancelled by the therapist and I never rescheduled. Then a few months later, my sister bought me a ticket to go to one of Tony Robbins' three day events. It was full of rah rah, feel good shit that drove me a little crazy, but the one thing that really stuck with me is the idea that motion has the ability to influence and completely alter our emotional state. I decided during that weekend I would commit to running every day for the next month.

I noticed a change in my emotional state immediately. Ups and downs for sure, but noticeable and lasting change. It's been almost two years now and it's the bedrock of my self-care regimen. I don't know if you're a runner or have tried something similar, but might be worth a shot if you haven't. Anyway, looking forward to seeing you on the other side of this.

I'm an internet rando so my opinion should be worth shit to you, but I think the world would be a better place with you at your best.

ertyu
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Re: 3 yrs to FI: ertyu's journal

Post by ertyu »

thank you all who took the time to write. i will think about the suggestions you gave.

today i wanted to write about a moment of clarity i had when i saw myself from the side and didn't like what i saw.

i have shared that over the past month or two, i have spent 1 to 2 nights a week drinking with former classmates, etc. i noticed an aspect of my behavior that i wasn't fully conscious of and that doesn't make me proud. when drunk, I have acted out my inferiority complexes and my desire to impress people by dropping hints about how much money i have, or otherwise talking about how much i have traveled etc., e.g. having mentionitis about places i've traveled to. I have probably come across as insufferable. or possibly pathetic, to those who have seen through my efforts to impress others and somehow win their esteem by bragging about being rich/financially independent and being traveled. Because of acting out my inferiority complexes, I have not only been obnoxious to be around. I have also been unknowingly cruel to those in my surroundings who are maybe down on their luck financially or otherwise can't afford to travel. And last but not least, I have put myself in danger. While I have not mentioned concrete numbers, I have hinted at people around me that I have FI-level money. Hinting this to a couple of people is enough - the town is small and people will gossip. Also, I have made obvious a weakness - my desire for attention and approval. Even if no one scams me tomorrow, this is my home town, and it's a small town. I will still probably be connected to these people for years to come. As I age and to struggle with ever-increasing feelings of irrelevance, I have positioned myself as a prime target: someone comparatively wealthy who has behaved insufferably and whom no one likes, and who has an obvious character weakness one can exploit.

I am not sure how I could be so oblivious about this. How I could be so blind to my own behavior to such an extent and for so long.

I do not like who I become when drunk, but I guess I at least got to face the truth about myself. I remember having intentions to be stealth-wealth because that is the wiser way to be. Now my inability to keep a secret when drunk and my inferiority complex and my neediness for esteem and approval have fucked all this up.

Unsure about my next steps, but my behavior around this needs to change. Drinking is the obvious elephant in the room. If I stay here long term, as it increasingly seems like might turn out to be the case, I need to learn to socialize without drinking. My lack of family and other close friends I can be completely transparent with and trust is resulting in a brand of loneliness which, while not painful on a daily basis, is making me a prime target for being used and taken advantage of. The cat is, I guess, already out of the bag because I am stupid. I need to think seriously about this over the coming months and I need to become a better person and change.
Last edited by ertyu on Fri Jul 03, 2020 1:39 am, edited 1 time in total.

Hail_Diogenes
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Re: 3 yrs to FI: ertyu's journal

Post by Hail_Diogenes »

ertyu wrote:
Thu Jul 02, 2020 5:33 pm
thank you all who took the time to write. i will think about the suggestions you gave.

today i wanted to write about a moment of clarity i had when i saw myself from the side and didn't like what i saw.

i have shared that over the past month or two, i have spent 1 to 2 hours a week drinking with former classmates, etc. i noticed an aspect of my behavior that i wasn't fully conscious of and that doesn't make me proud. when drunk, I have acted out my inferiority complexes and my desire to impress people by dropping hints about how much money i have, or otherwise talking about how much i have traveled etc., e.g. having mentionitis about places i've traveled to. I have probably come across as insufferable. or possibly pathetic, to those who have seen through my efforts to impress others and somehow win their esteem by bragging about being rich/financially independent and being traveled. Because of acting out my inferiority complexes, I have not only been obnoxious to be around. I have also been unknowingly cruel to those in my surroundings who are maybe down on their luck financially or otherwise can't afford to travel. And last but not least, I have put myself in danger. While I have not mentioned concrete numbers, I have hinted at people around me that I have FI-level money. Hinting this to a couple of people is enough - the town is small and people will gossip. Also, I have made obvious a weakness - my desire for attention and approval. Even if no one scams me tomorrow, this is my home town, and it's a small town. I will still probably be connected to these people for years to come. As I age and to struggle with ever-increasing feelings of irrelevance, I have positioned myself as a prime target: someone comparatively wealthy who has behaved insufferably and whom no one likes, and who has an obvious character weakness one can exploit.

I am not sure how I could be so oblivious about this. How I could be so blind to my own behavior to such an extent and for so long.

I do not like who I become when drunk, but I guess I at least got to face the truth about myself. I remember having intentions to be stealth-wealth because that is the wiser way to be. Now my inability to keep a secret when drunk and my inferiority complex and my neediness for esteem and approval have fucked all this up.

Unsure about my next steps, but my behavior around this needs to change. Drinking is the obvious elephant in the room. If I stay here long term, as it increasingly seems like might turn out to be the case, I need to learn to socialize without drinking. My lack of family and other close friends I can be completely transparent with and trust is resulting in a brand of loneliness which, while not painful on a daily basis, is making me a prime target for being used and taken advantage of. The cat is, I guess, already out of the bag because I am stupid. I need to think seriously about this over the coming months and I need to become a better person and change.
You probably could have guessed that I'd chime in on this one. Can definitely relate.

I'll try to keep this one brief, because I could fill up pages on your journal about this topic. Feel free to PM if you want to chat about it more.

I'll cut to what I think will be the most productive piece - learning how to have fun without drinking.

It'd be fair to assume that I'm a full blown drunk due to my post history. The funny thing is, I rarely drink on the weekends. If I go out with friends/girlfriend I'll usually have water or a redbull.

The thing I have to be careful about is the people I'm around. Some motherfuckers just drive me to drink. It's not peer pressure. Far from it. I have to mute them somehow.

So I'd start there. Are the people you're meeting up with even worth your time? It's possible that they're insufferable and the booze just makes them more tolerable. If that's the case, keep on trucking til you find people that don't annoy the piss out of you. Bonus points if you can have a good laugh together every now and then. It's insane how hard it is to find folks who meet those two standards lol.

If that's not the case, and you actually enjoy being around these people, then there are a couple routes you can go.

Switch activities - bars suck. Kinda follows my last point. Intolerable environments drive me to drink just as much as intolerable people do. If these folks are solid friends I'm sure they'd be down to hit the gym, park, campground, whatever.

I could go on and on and on man. Seriously, feel free to shoot me a PM if you want.



Regarding the accidental slip of the tongue. Yep. Know that feeling and the days of paranoia that follow. I don't know your town, so I can only speak from my experience here, but from what I've seen people are so damn busy waiting for their turn to speak that they don't hear you. The few who do probably won't believe you. If they do believe and they're the type of people to go spreading your business around town, cut them off. Don't just avoid drinking with them. Avoid them entirely. I'd rather be solo than have people like that around me.

Frita
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Re: 3 yrs to FI: ertyu's journal

Post by Frita »

This whole COVID thing creates more stress for all of us. Quitting your job, being back home with the ‘rents, hanging out with friends from past regressive relationships...what a CF! It won’t last forever. Please don’t beat yourself up too much for reacting to an unusual and highly stressful situation. Learn what you can and move on.

ertyu
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Re: 3 yrs to FI: ertyu's journal

Post by ertyu »

The only thing that works *for* me here is that left on my own devices, I don't purchase alcohol and I don't miss it. This isn't a physical dependence issue, this is entirely an interpersonal and socialization issue / one of the many varied and joyful reasons why ertyu really should be seeing a shrink. Drinking is what this crowd of people does. It's a way to spend time hanging out with people. I am having thoughts like, if I weren't drinking I wouldn't be hanging out with anyone, and that's probably something I need to question and throw out, too.

It's no one's surprise when I don't show up to these drinking events for a week or so, so I will take the next week to reflect. My previous solution was, "I will go I will just not drink that much" which I have kind of managed to stick to - past me on these occasions used to drink until very very hungover and sometimes puking the next morning and then needing to spend the entire day sleeping it off, and current me "only" drinks until beer fog. But it seems like this partial solution, while comparatively successful in its execution, is not optimal in the slightest. I might try going but not drinking at all. @HailDiogenes, I strongly suspect that you would turn out to be right and it would be revealing. Mostly, I think drinking in this case serves as a tool so I can lie to myself that these friendships are better than they are and that I belong with this group of people. But yeah. Definitely reflection time.

Thank you for the compassionate response, Frita. I will do my best to treat myself with compassion, too, and see what I have to learn here.

ertyu
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Re: 3 yrs to FI: ertyu's journal

Post by ertyu »

To go a bit more meta with a thought I just had, I think the above is a perfect example of how for me, the pursuit of ERE isn't, and can't ever be, just an engineering problem. E.g. in the above, a need to socialize and belong to a peer group is met dysfunctionally in a way that results in a money outlay. I can make all the spreadsheets and budgets in the world, but the key snag here is psychological - resolving my own issues of inferiority and belonging, and building the soft skills to relate to a peer group without being an insufferable idiot who can't keep his mouth shut and who has made himself a prime target for someone's con game with his bragging about his finances and his obvious, painful need for esteem and belonging. If anything, for me the psychology is primary to the engineering when ERE is concerned. At every stage, the key snag has been psychological, requiring me to deal with my relationships with family and peers, with my own issues, with my own fears, insecurities, confidence in own abilities, etcetera. I assume this is the F in the INFP, but it is also a neat illustration of how different people will necessarily pursue this process differently, and how a how-to manual of how-to manuals is indeed the only thing you can write if you want to give them quality advice.

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