3 yrs to FI: ertyu's journal

Where are you and where are you going?
mooretrees
Posts: 202
Joined: Sun Jan 27, 2019 1:21 pm

Re: 3 yrs to FI: ertyu's journal

Post by mooretrees »

I got nothing special to offer, but what CS wrote has been my experience so far with going through changes. Recently had a very uncomfortable miscommunication with best friend of 20 years. It took two days and a LOT of introspection to be able to talk gently and lovingly together. I was completely uncomfortable talking with her precisely because I wasn't sweeping something under the rug, I was trying to change my pattern of fairly poor communication. It worked, but only because she was up for it and has done a LOT of therapy and I've done some therapy. However, this experience is totally not going to happen with my parents or siblings. They have no interest and, actually, neither do I.

So, while you seem to grasp that your relationship with your parents is unlikely to ever change you are clearly holding out hope for it to change. That's lovely of you. But they sound like assholes and it sounds so fundamentally awful to be there. You've moved from the frying pan to the whatever the other part is. Terrible job with total depression to terrible home life and miserable parents. When can you get a break!!! Can you give yourself a break? Also, have you thought about doing psilocybin? I've read some limited studies of its usefulness treating PTSD (which you might have considering your parents) and treatment resistant depression. Interesting research on how the brain is wired and theories about how mushrooms can ease some negative patterns. I appreciate your kind words in my journal so hope things get better for you.

slowtraveler
Posts: 880
Joined: Sun Jan 11, 2015 10:06 pm

Re: 3 yrs to FI: ertyu's journal

Post by slowtraveler »

You've built a lot of resentment towards your parents. It's clear that you need a change of setting or this will very likely worsen.

If it's lcol, you could just go look at rooms available. No commitment needed but looking at some rooms every week is the first step.

The countries I mentioned are morbidly easily to set up in. Renting a bike and apartment for a monthly rental can be done in a day. If you decide it's not right for you, you get a plane ticket back. If you are patient on the ticket, it's not expensive. You don't go and stay abroad if it's obvious the plan isn't working. Let's say the round trip ticket is 700 and first month of expenses is on the high end, 1300. You're out 2000 if you return after a month.

You decide what's best for you, but if you are feeling your folks stifling your life to the degree you're posting, it's harmful to stay.

I love my parents but one of them would push me towards whatever they thought was best. This got very unhealthy. I bought the plane ticket with 187 dollars worth of points when they were out of the country. I tried to not think during this time about the huge change. They cried knowing I probably wouldn't come back to live. I felt doubt only on the day I was leaving. Once I landed, it was quite the experience to learn how to be on my own. An apartment should be under 150 USD and a bike under 100USD. You should get a motorcycle license and international driver permit before leaving.

Just take the first step to move out and evaluate after a month. You'll be better off than where you are now. If you hate it, you can go back long before even 10% of your stash is gone. If you pull off getting a job abroad or online, you may never have to return.

Der Leiermann
Posts: 3
Joined: Mon May 11, 2020 5:32 am

Re: 3 yrs to FI: ertyu's journal

Post by Der Leiermann »

A few thoughts on the relationship with your parents. It sounds like you are a bit like cat and dog, where there is little mutual understanding of each other. A way of describing it is with the analogy of love languages in a relationship. Some people show their love in a relationship by saying "I love you", others show their love by doing something thoughtful, etc (https://oureverydaylife.com/love-languages-5533438.html).

You and your dad seem to have communicate very differently. He seems to be all about tough love, prepping you for the big bad world out there by toughening you up (and in doing that, not admitting that you've grown up already). That's how he shows he cares (assuming he does). But that's not how you need/want to be spoken to, you only interpret it as criticism.

All of the above can be complete and utter BS depending on the situation. But it doesn't sound healthy and it doesn't sound like you'll get the recognition and respect that you want.

ertyu
Posts: 756
Joined: Sun Nov 13, 2016 2:31 am

Re: 3 yrs to FI: ertyu's journal

Post by ertyu »

A hack: if I train myself to get up early, I get alone time. For the first time in my life, waking up at 4am seems attractive. Can you imagine? 5 hours to myself before everyone else wakes up

Frita
Posts: 405
Joined: Thu Mar 15, 2018 8:43 pm

Re: 3 yrs to FI: ertyu's journal

Post by Frita »

In the western part of the US, back in the mining hayday of the 1800s, miners would stay at a boardinghouse in eight hour shifts to eat-sleep-eat. Very efficient, simple but smart solution to a problem. Your fix of getting up early for alone time was similarly elegant. May those five hours of solitude give you some traction.

Edit: To clarify, I am not saying you’ve found a long-term solution anymore than those miners decided a three-shift boardinghouse arrangement was Tolerable. But if five hours of peace can relieve some stress in order to see things as they are and choose a plan of action (versus a reaction), I applaud that.
Last edited by Frita on Tue May 26, 2020 12:31 pm, edited 1 time in total.

7Wannabe5
Posts: 5868
Joined: Fri Oct 18, 2013 9:03 am

Re: 3 yrs to FI: ertyu's journal

Post by 7Wannabe5 »

The last time I once again made the mistake of staying with my mother, I found myself venting years of frustration at a decrepit 79 year old, because she has never learned how to pick up after herself. In the moment, 55 year old me became emotionally entwined with 13 year old me who was too embarrassed to invite her friends over after school, because even though we lived in a perfectly decorated, brand new classic brick colonial in a very nice neighborhood, our house was always a complete mess, because all my mother did was sleep all day and let my 3 year old sister run wild in a saggy diaper, dumping cheerios and streaming toilet paper from room to room.

IOW, my advice to you is get out/ stay out.

ertyu
Posts: 756
Joined: Sun Nov 13, 2016 2:31 am

Re: 3 yrs to FI: ertyu's journal

Post by ertyu »

7Wannabe5 wrote:
Tue May 26, 2020 11:45 am
In the moment, 55 year old me became emotionally entwined with 13 year old me
I feel this so hard. My parents aren't quite 80, but hoping they will change is similarly nonsensical.

Lining up my ducks in a row, now. I do need to move out, and because I am not quite there with the stash for complete FI, I need to find a job. When that will be possible, I don't know. But job or not, I am undecided on location, so until I sort myself out and all severance etc. from old job goes through, I'll stay put see how I can eke out some time for myself for the time being. A part of me literally does not allow me to spend. Moving out would be spending when I don't have to, thus, lizard brain says no. Same lizard brain that said, no money, must job. Shared idea here is, you're not allowed to be cute and you're not allowed to be a snowflake and you must keep your nose to the grindstone. Don't like working? Too bad, it brings money. Don't like living with parents? Too bad, the alternative takes money, get over yourself.

This is from growing up in multigenerational poverty, that much is clear. When you're poor, there's no jobs, and 3 families must live in one apartment, you make do, you keep grinding, you get over yourself, and you don't try to be precious asking what kind of life you want or what kind of job you'd be fulfilled to do. You do what you gotta do. Thus when I was 20 and I started wondering what would make me happy, my father shouted at me to quit it, get in line, and get a job. We weren't dirt-poor any more, but this sort of thing sticks. It stuck with him even when he was no longer poor, and it stuck with me because of my childhood and his shouting. It's hard to unwind that mentality, even if you actually have options.

ertyu
Posts: 756
Joined: Sun Nov 13, 2016 2:31 am

Re: 3 yrs to FI: ertyu's journal

Post by ertyu »

Btw, thank you everyone for your understanding and patience when you're probably going, JESUS FUCK DUDE MOVE THE FUCK OUT ALREADY :lol:

7Wannabe5
Posts: 5868
Joined: Fri Oct 18, 2013 9:03 am

Re: 3 yrs to FI: ertyu's journal

Post by 7Wannabe5 »

Well, maybe you just need to decide for yourself to what extent money is security vs. freedom?

Also, and this may be more me than you, I have come to the conclusion that there can be more than a bit of hubris involved in valuing “sticking it out.”

ertyu
Posts: 756
Joined: Sun Nov 13, 2016 2:31 am

Re: 3 yrs to FI: ertyu's journal

Post by ertyu »

Nah, it's not a matter of valuing it over here, it's a matter of compulsion. Lizard brain thinks not sticking it is no when you can stick it out and not spend money.

Jason
Posts: 2704
Joined: Mon Jan 30, 2017 8:37 am

Re: 3 yrs to FI: ertyu's journal

Post by Jason »

ertyu wrote:
Tue May 26, 2020 1:28 pm
JESUS FUCK DUDE MOVE THE FUCK OUT ALREADY
Well, His father really is God. Where you're just treating your's like he is.

ertyu
Posts: 756
Joined: Sun Nov 13, 2016 2:31 am

Re: 3 yrs to FI: ertyu's journal

Post by ertyu »

I really am not doing it deliberately. He impacts me psychologically even when rationally I know he shouldn't. I was thinking today about what 7w5 shared about her 79 y/o mother, and it seems like distance in and of itself doesn't really solve this stuff. But something happened when 7w5 found herself yet again triggered by her mother's tidiness habits (or lack thereof). 7w5 was an adult: in the moment, she was hooked, but the moment of "yes, this, this is the frustration and anger my 13 y/o self always felt" is imo significant. She held her 13 y/o self's frustrations and her 55 y/o self's frustrations, knowledge, and accumulated experience in her mind at once, and in so doing, held 13 y/o 7w5's experiences a little differently and more consciously. She saw them as valid but also realized that this is who her mother was at 39 and this is who she is at 79 and she isn't changing. 7w5 left home after, but 13 y/o's emotions and experiences were integrated a little differently. So putting physical distance between self and mother was different this time around and resulted in actual psychological separation. I hope for more of this for myself, but it's a crap shoot: sometimes it will happen, sometimes I will just be re-living the past in the present and getting "re-traumatized" (if one can use such a strong word) instead of reprocessing.

In the interest of sounding a bit less tortured and documenting some positive developments, I have really enjoyed being fired because it has decoupled purposeful activity from income earning activity. I was trying to solve yet another difficult sudoku today, and it struck me that i've been at it for an hour and I am really enjoying myself -- even though I am not making speedy progress towards a solution nor am I likely to ever become a good enough solver to turn it into an income-generating gig. And that this does not matter in the slightest. I was just enjoying myself trying to figure out the puzzle. Completely meaningless in salaryman land, but engaging to me. I patted myself on the back for this positive transformation. Then realized that trying to repair my ancient iPod is the same - meaningless when measured with currency units, but somehow inherently satisfying. This feels like a really significant positive psychological development. For reference, I left my job mid-February and it's now mid-May. So it took approximately 3 months for it to begin, but I am really happy and thankful it did. Here's to hoping for more of the same in the future.
Last edited by ertyu on Wed May 27, 2020 2:51 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Smashter
Posts: 350
Joined: Sat Nov 12, 2016 8:05 am

Re: 3 yrs to FI: ertyu's journal

Post by Smashter »

I applaud your effort to focus on some of the positives, because your situation sounds incredibly stressful. I'm glad you're finding satisfaction in those activities. I felt similarly when I repaired my ancient MacBook Pro.

ertyu
Posts: 756
Joined: Sun Nov 13, 2016 2:31 am

Re: 3 yrs to FI: ertyu's journal

Post by ertyu »

@Smashter, thanks, man. Believe it or not, things as they currently are still feel way way better than when I worked full time last year.

ertyu
Posts: 756
Joined: Sun Nov 13, 2016 2:31 am

Re: 3 yrs to FI: ertyu's journal

Post by ertyu »

Another observation: I am yet to be magically cured of my addiction to coffee or my bad habit of self-medicating crap emotional states via Milka. Stopping work did make me way way less likely to order take-out or eat out; I have vitually not done that since I quit working. But sugar and caffeine are sticking around.

Conversely, not working has not magically made me gung-ho about exercising. So that story where one is "too tired to exercise" due to full-time work doesn't automatically reverse.

These remaining bad habits look like they will take conscious work. Sugar pisses me off the most. Talk about not just a useless but an actively harmful habit, too.

Hail_Diogenes
Posts: 13
Joined: Thu Mar 05, 2020 5:19 pm

Re: 3 yrs to FI: ertyu's journal

Post by Hail_Diogenes »

Hey man,

Just dropping by to say that I relate to your story more than any of the other journals I've found so far. I know what you mean about ditching bad habits after quitting a toxic job. I developed a daily drinking habit for a bit. It helped with the dread.

I just finished a 30 day no booze challenge. Feeling much better and the urges have gone away. The dread is still there but the urge to block it with alcohol has reduced significantly.

Maybe a x # of day challenge could help? I dunno.

Another thought that your post reminded me of, I'm trying to avoid this feeling that my life is on hold until I hit my ERE goal. I don't know if that's how you feel/felt, but your earlier journal posts made me think about it. I think I've been in a dulled stated the past few years. Just checking boxes while I hunker down and wait to live a good life later on. I'm trying to get out of this future-oeriented trap and enjoy the present even though, for the most part, it sucks lol.

Another thing about working out, I totally get that too. I struggled with gym anxiety for the first few years as I was learning how to work out. I hated that people could see the minuscule amount of weight I was moving lol. Honestly, it still comes and goes.

I'm not sure if it's already been mentioned, but have you looked into bodyweight/dumbbell routines? You can easily do those in your room/in a park/under a bridge/anywhere out of sight.

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