Vaikeasti to ERE - Family Journal

Where are you and where are you going?
Vaikeasti
Posts: 110
Joined: Fri Aug 30, 2019 3:02 pm

Re: Vaikeasti to ERE - Family Journal

Post by Vaikeasti »

I happened to find the Thinking, Fast and Slow by Daniel Kahneman in our school library and because I've seen it mentioned here I took it with me. I'm just a few pages in and it already has widened my knowledge on the biases of the mind. Clearly much thought has been put in to making it easy to read. I'm really enjoying it.
I've also crossed the mid point in reading the ERE book. I can't say anymore that it has been only a warm reunion and nice reminder of the basics. I've forgotten about and misunderstood some points (or at least I see them differently now). Also the "everyone is technically able to retire in five years but not everyone can still do it" is harsh to deal with. I did read about ERE over ten years ago but I'm still not FI or even very ERE. But I'm going to keep on trying even though I feel like an utter failure. But real failure would be to stop trying.
Focusing on things that work and things that are good would be a good start.

I just seem to just roll around in the mud of self pity lately. Maybe it's the coming winter and the darkness or the end of school but I find this quite troublesome. At the same time I'm dreaming about all the fantastic things I could do with my time when finished with school and only working and taking care of the kids.

I went to a "free" shopping center and indoor activity park visit my kids and their cousin. I ended up spending 20 eur on food and 15 eur on a t-shirt. I should do a budget and see how many trips like this we can sustain (if any). I know these trips are mostly throwing money at a problem. It feels easier to let the kids loose on a safety regulated place like that. Taking them outside to play would be free money-wise but requires more mentally so I'm substituting money for paying attention to my kids. And naturally I feel bad for this.
I find it fascinating that alienating your kids by letting them play in an indoor activity park or giving them sweets or letting them watch videos instead of really engaging with them seems to be seen as normal/good parenting.
I actually heard the other day how day care personnel told a parent that half an hour of videos/screen time is too low for a five year old. That kids need to learn how to navigate the digital world before school. Made me really think about the world and how it is a different place than in my childhood. And also about how much the social norms affect my family and how do I feel about that.

The public opinion affects me way too much and I see it limits my options with the kids. My kids seem to be "lively" so taking them to public places is a stressful experience. I don't blame them for being kids or for the fact that I haven't established proper manners on them. But the fear and actual experiences of adults taking their distaste of my kids behavior on my kids is optimal material for my self punishment.

I found the puttylike site mentioned in horsewomans journal really inspiring. Those articles really touched on subjects I've been mulling over. The point about living your life instead of constantly being a work in progress resonated with the thoughts I've been having about changing one's frame of mind to a more positive one.

Oh. And had another date night with SO! (Maybe we'll get this back to being a routine and this will make things better in the long run?)
This time we stayed home, ate a home cooked meal, watched TV-shows and ate ice cream. We didn't buy anything but one could count the ice cream as a cost. We didn't really get around talking about anything important so I think the date could've gone better. Talking about interesting things we can do, but deep or important things just causes SO to feel sleepy. It's really frustrating and I feel this limits my life and the kids. But I'm not certain that I'm not just projecting my fears and insecurities on SO so until I'm more stable myself I won't press this issue. Thinking back, I guess I overreacted to Suomalaisen journal entry because it hit too close to home. I really hope on an update on his progress, but I'm guessing that will take a while. (I'm partly making this entry to fight the fear of posting. I wish to grow as a person even if I feel like never writing again. Someone else stated in their journal that they avoid posting because having your journal in the top of the page is scary and I can relate to that too.)

Short update:
Money: talked a little with SO, some reallocation's made
Lifestyle: Still crap
School: minuscule progress
Work: normal ok
Family life: debatable, ok for the moment
Hobbies: Meetings, reading and knitting (small positive cash flow even when overspending on yarn)

Motivational phrase of the moment: Work to learn, not to earn.

Vaikeasti
Posts: 110
Joined: Fri Aug 30, 2019 3:02 pm

Re: Vaikeasti to ERE - Family Journal

Post by Vaikeasti »

Just going to write down some stories from the past and other random thoughts.

How a pay raise can be a pay cut
When working as a janitor I was once asked to sit in for a supervisor for a month. I would get equal salary as the supervisor and the same responsibilities.  Everyone was on summer vacation so there was no-one to do the job an not much to do. I had worked in that area before as a janitor so the area was familiar. I was basically supervising myself and a few extras on a very quiet time.
I took the job and after the month was over they asked if would continue for another month but with a bit lower pay. Everything would be like it was before, but because I would technically be a substitute for a different person I would receive his pay which was higher than mine but lower than the actual supervisors.
So I did some math and realized that because the supervisor job was farther away from my home than my own normal job I'd have higher transport expenses and that would eat up the difference in pay compared to my normal job. I normally biked there but used the train if the weather was horrible. To my normal work I could walk if the weather was bad. (Yeah, the difference in the salary really was just a few train tickets worth.)
So I declined the offer. The supervisors supervisor even called me and tried to persuade me to saying yes, but I told him I would rather do my normal job than work a job with more responsibility with the same pay. He didn't understand, but left it at that.
I didn't have aspirations of being a supervisor. Low pay middle management job with no way up. (Only one supervisors superior in the company.)
Today I have a secret mental goal to reach and exceed that supervisor jobs pay in my new career as an engineer. (Not so secret anymore! :lol: )
I would have better pay, better working hours, better benefits, more flexibility and Less responsibility. And that I'd consider a personal professional success. After that I actually have no career plans at the moment and that frightens me a little since I'm not yet FI or even close. Then again there's almost always something you can learn so I'm not too worried about losing interest in working any time soon.

How I made my own work
Another "funny memory" from the janitor days. I was working in an area where our supervisor didn't bother in making us a duty roster. I worked in a specific area with one colleague and few extras.
My predecessor had been taking advantage of the situation and only worked as little as possible and only during office hours. Therefore my colleague was forced to work all necessary evening and weekend shifts.
When I started there we just checked when both of us were needed simultaneously and otherwise did not agree on anything. We just worked. Everyday. With out a schedule. I got tired of always being at work and it felt especially stupid when only one person was required but we were both there because no-one coordinated the shifts. But our supervisor couldn't care and my colleague was too tired to even dream that things could be different.
So I contacted our supervisors superior and made a deal that I would make the schedules and get and extra paid day off every month.
Tried negotiating with my exhausted colleague but that bear no fruit. She thought I would be as unreliable as the previous one. So I started making duty rosters and forced her to check them with me to see that I had accounted for all two employee shifts. Then I started working by that roster. I was off duty when it said so in the list and I came to work when it said so in the list. After a while my colleague realized that I could be trusted and saw the benefit of the schedule (=days off duty) so she started adhering to the list too. And then she started wishing for certain days off and then that we would make the schedule a 10 days on and 4 days off plan. I agreed to everything possible. Things worked out nicely. We were still working overtime and 10 days straight, but mentally the difference was unbelievable. Working wasn't devastating anymore because I knew I had a break coming and when that break would be. And my colleague was feeling better too and that made working together more pleasant. And thanks to the extras available the duty roster was pretty reliable regarding days off.
When we had used this system for quite a while I had the opportunity to actually use my extra days off I got from managing the roster. A friend of a friend is a stone mason and I got a chance to be his "stone henchman" (apprentice would be too strong word). So I took first one week and then two weeks off and carried stones around in freezing cold winter blizzards out on a construction site. I learned a lot about myself and something about stones and construction and I got paid "double". I got a small salary from the stone mason and my normal salary from the janitor work because of my special deal with the extra days off.

Threefold savings management (a.k.a personal money laundering)
Ten years ago when I started saving for a house I created a system of three fold saving and multiple accounts. I've lost some interest by having money lie on many different accounts, but in the past this money moving made me feel safe and stay interested so I guess it was worth it.

What I did was this:
First I went through all our contracts and checked if a better deal could be had. After that I put the payments on auto pay with a max sum limit. I tried to organize the due dates in groups so that payments would be due in the beginning/end (or middle) of the month. Then I ordered one or two free reminder emails and text messages on the different due dates from the companies. I also set a free warning message to be sent to me if my account balance would decrease to near the amount of my biggest payment.
I had three accounts:
  • an account where the salary gets payed to and where the bills get payed from,
  • one for saving and
  • one for buying groceries and such.
I also set up a monthly payment at the middle of the month from the payment account to the savings account (a small one, around 10-15% of income).
Now at the beginning of a month I would go and see my accounts balance. I would estimate the expenses of that month (I calculated the monthly payment to the savings account as an expense) and then transfer (balance-expenses)*0.5 to the savings account. Then I would pay all waiting payments of the beginning of the month. (I "like" actively paying my bills regardless of the auto pay, that I think of as a safety measure.)
At the middle of the month I might go and see how my finances were doing or if there are no outgoing payments just try to avoid money altogether.
At the end of the month I typically get a warning from the grocery account that it's balance is getting low (there is a warning message when the balance gets under a normal few weeks expenses). So I visit my accounts and pay the bills that are due and transfer money to the grocery account. And usually I find that I have "too much" money  on the salary account (more than is needed to cover expenses to the middle of next month) and transfer some of it to the savings account.
This way I felt motivated as I was "saving" three times a month and safe because I always had a buffer of money on basically every account.
And in case of a catastrophic event I could even seize the middle of the month auto payment from the salary account to the savings account. And because of the auto pay and the warning messages I felt safe that no overdue would happen if I would be unable to actively pay my bills on time.

Today my system has even more slack and is in need of repair. I am trying the envelope method and have multiple accounts at the moment:
  • salary account (monthly bills paid from here)
  • savings account and buffer for the salary account (from here money exceeding my mental limit goes to shares and bonds)
  • grocery account (the only one that I have any kind of card for)
  • buffer for the grocery account (the grocery account is in another bank today and money transfers between banks can take up to three days. Also I've noticed that if the grocery account has "too much" money SO or I tend to spend it on stupid.)
  • car account (for car related costs and possible replacing of the car, I really don't enjoy having this account/expense)
  • travel account (I have mixed feelings about traveling and haven't really been saving for this)
  • kids account (the child allowance goes here and I transfer it to the kids own accounts when it reaches a certain limit. The child allowance is bigger if paid to one account for all the kids in one family. If the money would go straight to their accounts it would most likely exceed 20 000eur before they are over 18 years and that would mean filling forms for the county. And legally I would need a valid reason to take money from their accounts so this is the most flexible way to do things IMHO.)
I should set a monthly payment from the salary account to the grocery account. I just re-established the savings account payment with a small sum. Maybe I'll have time to think about finances during the Christmas holidays. (Haha, as if. I need to do my homework and do stuff for my thesis, and clean and cook and socialize and spend time with my kids.)

I still haven't renegotiated our phone bills or fixed the shoes I got for free. I did buy new insoles and "shoe grease" for them so the shoes are not free anymore. I need to think about the shoes as a learning process because I could've probably bought better ones from a store for the amount I've used on the materials. I'm learning to admit when I suck and accepting that I need to start practice at the bottom if I ever wish to improve.

I'm having troubles with the corporate way of things at work. I remember reading about the 80/20 rule in some FIRE blog that said you should be a bit psychopathic in distributing workload in the office. It stick with me because it felt so disturbing, but now I'm in an office and would like to think about that point better. I wish I could find the post again.

In Finland we're having Collective Labor Agreements renegotiated at the moment, so we've had a strike of the postal workers, buss drivers, electricians and soon possibly engineers. (Nurses, caterers and nannies are planning a strike in the spring I think, they had a small one already.) The main media has given us stories about postal workers whose pay was going to be cut 20-40% so they went on strike because they couldn't live on such low pay. And stories about how hard it is to people to stand up for their rights for they don't get paid as normal while on strike.

There is an election coming in the spring for yet another position for meetings that probably pay something for showing up. But it has a higher threshold of entry and I'm not certain if I should be taking any more responsibilities right now. Well, actually I'm pretty sure I should take anymore responsibilities. But for some reason I'm still planning on a campaign. I'm hoping I will not find the time to cross the thresholds.

Reading about all the benefits of being in shape and exercising can have to your learning capability (not to mention your life span and life satisfaction) has made me really appreciate the ERE principle of riding a bike. It's all connected, and the bike's the key to happiness in all aspects of life.

(Also sleeping is important and I should do that more often. )

Short update:
Money: basically only spending has happened
Lifestyle: Still crap (I'm going to call my eating habits intermittent fasting to make them seem better)
School: actually did something towards my thesis and had an exam that felt alright (still need to finish homework to pass that course)
Work: unsure, hard to stay focused there.
Family life: debatable, kids have tantrums, SO says life is fine as it is and it drives me furious.
Hobbies: spending too much time on knitting because of my self imposed goal of giving socks as Christmas gifts. (Nothing to do with avoiding other responsibilities!) Had a few thought provoking meetings that made me remember why those meetings are a nice hobby.

Motivational phrase of the moment: none (But thinking about Ultralearning and atomic habits. I should read about them. Actually, I should read about anything.)

Vaikeasti
Posts: 110
Joined: Fri Aug 30, 2019 3:02 pm

Re: Vaikeasti to ERE - Family Journal

Post by Vaikeasti »

Thoughts on The subtle art of not giving a f*ck

Loaned the book from my friend. It taught me about how to find your core values and how to stick to them. I found it really insightful. I also think that this might be a lower ERE wheaton level book? Maybe it could teach people the ideology behind FU-money if they're struggling on that level?
I think Your Money Or your Life (haven't read it fully yet so might be wrong) tries to get you to optimize living by your values and this book tries to get you to question your values.

I also realized again why I feel like I'm failing at life. I'm in this books terms an entitled loser. I think I'm a victim and wait to be saved by someone. This needs to stop.

(I read this book while knitting and realized why anyone would "need" one of those book frame things. But because I was too lazy to drive to the nearest supermarket I used a pillow and a kids toy to substitute. :roll: )

I met with a friend couple and saw what a warm and balanced relationship they have. Made me realize that I am not allowing that kind of relationship for myself. I need to earn my respect and love and that is ruining everything.
Also I have had loyalty as a value and that has made me stay in places for too long. I need better values to be a better person. Too many of my values are externally measured and therefore out of my control. And that makes me anxious and hurts me. Of course I will feel like I'm helpless and constantly failing if my success is measured by how people treat me or what color is the next passerby's socks or something I have basically no control over.

Good values are reality based, socially constructive, immediate and controllable (honesty, transparency, doubt, vulnerability, standing up for oneself, standing up for others, self respect, curiosity, charity, humility).

You are always responsible for your own life. (Interpretation and response at least.) Everything that's happening to you might not be your fault (=past tense, the choices you've made) but everything is your responsibly (=present, the choices you're making right now).

Also this book and the Think fast and slow have really hammered home the idea that emotions are a bad metric for good or bad. What feels good might not be good and will end up hurting you in the future. (Like choosing cookies over sports.) Bad emotions are exaggerated and good emotions at the end of an experience tend to make up for quite a lot of bad stuff.

On hoarding and handkerchiefs

I'm a hoarder. I'm in the process of admitting this and starting to declutter because I've started seeing the negative aspects of it. I literally have rooms full of boxes of stuff I "might need some day". Well some of the stuff I actually use but still I do not need three pairs of everyone of those... My parents were hoarders too and my SO is a master at avoiding problems. But still my hoarding is my problem and I need to deal with it. Two of my siblings are aspiring minimalists so maybe maybe I can get some help from them.

On an unrelated note, we've always had problems with laundry because I tend to forget paper handkerchiefs in my pockets and my SO usually loads the laundry and by principle treats all things in the laundry basket as ready to be washed.
I was making a journey through my hoarding rooms stuff when I found an old torn bed sheet. I cut that sheet in to small squares and I've been using those as my handkerchiefs now. So far it has worked well. I still forget to empty my pockets but that doesn't ruin the laundry anymore. Win-win.
I'm thinking about hemming the sides of my handkerchiefs so that they would last longer, but no idea when that'll happen.

Motivational thought of the moment: You are somebody's somebody else. (EDIT: Added a word for clarity)

This is a phrase I've used since especially in my janitor work. It helped me notice things that needed doing and motivated me to doing them. When I was feeling lazy I would think that "oh there's a broken lamp there, somebody should fix it" or "that door's been creaking for a while, when is somebody going to fix it" or "Oh man, I'll just leave these here and let someone else fix this" and after that I would think "I am somebody's someone else". And then I'd fix it myself. When I'm more aware of my lazy thoughts it's easier to overcome them. (Also helps on feelings of entitlement to remind myself that I am just someone else to everybody else.)

Moneywise I've been stressing about our expenses and thinking about separating our finances in order to pursue FI better. SO has no interest in selling the cabin and the fact that it eats over one jacob per year is really daunting. I'd still have the expenses of the kids so I'd need to create (and learn to live on) 1,6 jacobs and that doesn't feel as depressing as trying to acquire the current over 7 jacobs that were spending. Of course I'm overspending too it's not only the cabin, because subtracting our jacobs and the cabin from the total still leaves 7-2,6-1=3,4 jacobs of unnecessary spending. I'm really bad at budgeting because it sets me in the scarcity mindset so badly and I end up overspending. I need to figure a way to overcome this.
I'll try to think of it as what I can get with 2-3 jacobs for the family instead of thinking about what I have to leave out.
I've noticed a new mental barrier on dialing down expenses and that's the feeling that I need to give my kids the "normal" life because of our mental problems. Help for mental problems constitutes of trying to establish the "normal" life. Buying stuff your kids need from the supermarket at the same day they need it is the "norm" and buying stuff used requires extra effort and that's really not supported. I should be able to guess in advance what my kids will need (like certain sized shoes in the winter) because they need to have them precisely when they need it otherwise it's thought that my mental state is the only reason for my kids sub-optimal gear.

Short update:
Money: Spending totally out of hand, (or out of mitten as the saying fittingly goes in Finnish) as I've spent a lot on yarn and Christmas in general.
Lifestyle: Still crap (But I've realized that getting to bed on time and exercising are the two most beneficial things I should concentrate on)
School: All exams for this fall are done, still one big homework to do (it's like 30% finished with a due date at the end of the year and I've scheduled three days next week to finishing it. I'll probably need more time though.)
Family life: I am a swamp monster and my family is sustained only on microwaveable food.
Hobbies: I'm horribly behind with my Christmas gift sock project, but that was a given. My perfect score would have been 12 pairs ready for Christmas. I've made four pairs in four weeks and because I've practiced knitting only for a year, I'm pleased. I should've just started these socks a few months earlier... :lol:
Last edited by Vaikeasti on Tue May 19, 2020 8:03 am, edited 2 times in total.

Vaikeasti
Posts: 110
Joined: Fri Aug 30, 2019 3:02 pm

End of year 2019

Post by Vaikeasti »

Financial year 2019
Total household expences: 43800 eur/year
or 3650eur/month or 2.6 jacobs per (Finnish statistical) person*.
I’m hoping we get spending down to at least 2 jacobs per person in 2020.
Mortages contribute almost half jacob to our personal spending so selling the home and the cabin would be one way to achieve it, but that is highly unlikely. 8-)

Wealth towards ERE: 37400eur
Passive income 400eur/y (thats a return rate of only 1%, so improvements should be made)
FI earned: 3.3 days/year

I'm still struggling with the euro boundaries of incomes and expenses. I have troubles with motivation since everything feels so distant and out of reach at the moment. I just saw a longer term plan of mine from 2015 where I dream of us being 50% FI in 2024. Even if that was 1 jacob/year that would mean saving over 3000 euros per month every month till the end of 2024. I have very low hopes in that kind of savings. At the moment we barely earn that much combined. So there's much work to do if we ever wish to be FI.

My dream budget at the moment is 1000 for housing costs, 1000 for living costs and 1000 for cabing and silly spending. It’s not an unreasonable dream I think. Not very ERE but I need to start with something to get anything done.

*)For simplicity I'm going to use the Statistics Finland's way of counting our family of four as 2,1 adults. (EDIT: 1+0,5+0,3+0,3=2,1 not 2,6)

Random musings
Had a high impact low impact Christmas. Bought gifts and spent too much money. Received one gift and it was way too expensive. Mostly vegetarian diet during holidays. Shouted at people. Got to take a nap. Avoided nearly all responsibilities. Was not proud of that. Skipped church. First time in forever?

Found about a friend of a friend that might be pursuing FIRE. We will see if that contact results in something. I wish I would have some one to pursue ERE with and talk about it. I do have a MMM oriented friend which is nice. SO is still not fully on board. Seems to think FI or RE is just a fantasy. After checking our finances I tend to wonder if I’m really on board either.

I’ve had difficulties relating to SO, I hope things will get better but the void between us just feels wider and wider. SO’s plan at the moment is to work ten years more and magically end up in a homestead.

I’ve almost no motivation for work or my thesis or school or any kind of obligations in general. All I seem to do is making all sorts of spreadsheets and lists of things I should do.

I see that I’ve been spending almost a 1000 eur per year on gifts. Need to find a way to curb this spending without underperforming socially any more than usual.

I tried to put our last years spending in to categories but found I didn’t get the same results as last time. I’m just going to track our overall spending for now and get back to it when I have more mental capacity to spare.

The boot project
Still not finished working on the winter boots. My toes were hating me on sub zero days so I did start the work. (I am trying to grow as a person in the process also. I see that I try to postpone everything until I can do it perfectly. But if I won't practice (aka fail) how can I get better? And what's a better platform for failing than free used shoes? )
I read that one should use saddle soap or Marseilles soap on leather. I have neither and I didn't want to wait 'till I get around buying some.
(I checked online that Marseilles soap should basically be olive oil and washing soda. I wonder if baking soda would substitute for the washing soda and what the ratio might be. But I reached my limit of doing research without the answer and almost postponed everything again.)
So I vacuumed and washed the shoes with water and a shampoo bar (olive oil and clay soap), stuffed them with paper and left them for dead for a night. The next day I smeared saddle grease on the shoes and they looked really dark. But that has faded and now they look light and dry again.
And they need some polish or something as they don't look waterproof at all. I also noticed that the leather has a crack in it.
I’ve done some Youtube research on fixing holes in leather. Seems like I need some special glue and a very fine sandpaper. I have multiple different glues so hopefully one of those will suffice, but I’ll do some more research before deciding.
I took the shoes for a test ride and they're nice. Not perfect but nice. Even in their current condition they will last a while.
I wonder if the shoes were resoled or just badly mistreated because the leather is in bad shape but the soles seem brand new.

ERE literature
I finished reading the ERE book and started thinking about the 21 day makeover again.
Some thoughts:
1. Finding a place to live.

Our optimal housing budget would be 200..300x2,1=420..630eur/month. Currently our housing expenses are around 900eur/month and include maintenance charge, (includes water and internet), insurance, electricity, and the loan. The amortization part of the loan is around 300eur so if I'm optimistic and hope to get that back some day I could say that our housing is within the budget. That is cheating of course.
I've been on the look out for better housing deals but so far I've restrained myself on the location and other conditions so much that no option would offer any improvement.
We'd need to move to another city which would mean looking for new jobs, daycare and loss of free childcare from relatives.
Or move to a significantly smaller apartment or to a house in worse condition. Smaller I can do and actually might prefer (less space to fill with stuff). But living in a healthy building is something I'm not ready to compromise on. Even this house has some minor issues with air flows, and occasional water in the attic and basement but I think this house is still a healthy one.

Did some math on hypothetical scenarios:
a) 2 storey house in high end neighborhood with tenants
Huge mortgage -1400eur/month
Tenants on upper floor +1050eur/month
Maintenance etc -900eur/month
total: -1250eur/month (+450eur from current)
high risk because of tenants and high mortgage, (ability to even secure a huge mortgage?)
need to sell the current house, kids risk losing their friends
worse public transport, better cycling routes, better area, better school
Extra twist: keeping the current home and renting it out too would give us a fallback plan but also make failure more probable because more tenants would be involved expenses from current apartment are around 900 and expected rent is 1000eur so no real income from that and a roof repair is coming.

b) 1 bedroom house in high end neighborhood nro 2
No mortgage
Maintenance etc 500eur/month
total: 500eur/month (-400eur from current)
some risk for mental health from putting so many people in such a small space
need to sell the current house, kids risk losing their friends, farther away from relatives, losing some side income streams
a bit worse public transport, similar cycling routes as current, better area, better school
(possible after two years to move to a low cost not so good neighborhood and still be within reasonable distance of the good school)
Extra twist: using all savings and taking out a mortgage and keeping the current home would make it possible to rent out the one room apartment for one year before moving in and then renting out current home. Longer time to declutter and live in bigger space. A fallback place in case something goes sideways. Result would be small space but not mortgage free.

c)Doing nothing
Portage: 330eur/month
Maintenance etc: 570eur/month
Total: 900eur/month
no need to change anything, also no push to improve anything, kids get to keep their friends,
close to relatives, good public transport, average cycling routes, keeping the side income, okay area, below average school
Extra twist: applying for a language enriched or music or montessori school widens the possible school choices a little, maybe possible to keep the home but avoid the below average school?

This exercise has helped me appreciate the current housing situation. Finding and buying this fixer-upper and doing everything we could by ourselves we did get more than we could have gotten otherwise. We have housing in a good area close to relatives in a building that has been maintained better than average (which is still not very good in my opinion). ("Fun fact": It's normal that there is no preparing for future renovations. Planning of renovations will commence only when there are several incidents that need repairing continuously for a few years. So even if the pipes would be +50 years old they need to cause leaks in a couple apartments for a couple years and only after that will the planning of the complete renovation of plumbing start.)
But if I think that we would sell this place and rent would that be financially better?
We could get optimistically maybe 160 000-75 000-5 000=80 000eur out of this place. That could be invested to produce 200..266eur/month (at 3..4%). That would get us 10..20 squares anywhere but the capital area. Still more space than chickens or pigs or other animals get so I guess I shouldn't be complaining. My dissatisfaction with current situation and strength of future vision are still lacking because thinking of living in one room with the whole family feels like madness. (Interestingly the thought of living in a single room with just me and the kids feels more plausible..)

I guess my plan for now is to continue decluttering and looking for places. Maybe we'd even be able to fix another apartment? My biggest dream would be to get our heads fixed so that living farther away from relatives would be a real option. That would really open up the housing market for us.

Decluttering is Day 2 in the ERE make over so that goes nicely with my plans. Although I have made significant progress with my views of storing stuff I am still far from minimalist. I have only just recognized some of the problems with keeping too much stuff. But just throwing stuff in the trash feels insurmountable. I've listed maybe ten things online and sold some of them. It's hard to accept that everything I do not use regularly should be discarded. With little kids in the house the stuff we use changes constantly and all hobbies of the adults seem to be postponed indefinitely. I'm still not ready to give up on my previous hobbies and discard everything. I wonder if there is a club for Anonymous Hoarders…

PS. I saw a commercial the other day from duunitori.fi (slang meaning jobmarket.fi) that said:
You should invest in a good bed / job because you spend a third of your life in it!
Makes you think doesn’t it...

A better new year for us all!
Last edited by Vaikeasti on Wed May 27, 2020 2:29 am, edited 1 time in total.

Nuuka
Posts: 110
Joined: Thu Sep 26, 2019 11:22 pm
Location: Europe

Re: Vaikeasti to ERE - Family Journal

Post by Nuuka »

Well, to me your situation looks like it might be good idea to (not waste time and effort on marginal cost-cuttings but instead) focus on completing studies first and then finding a better paying job.

Of course it is easy for me to say this from the outside while not seeing from the inside the whole complexity of the situation.

Aspirant
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Re: Vaikeasti to ERE - Family Journal

Post by Aspirant »

I would put the wellbeing of the family before ERE plans.

I second Nuuka with the suggestion of studying and graduating faster. Getting the income side sorted out will help the math a lot. However it doesn’t rule out simultaneously cutting costs. So keep on decluttering and getting rid of stuff (we are starting to do that as well).

What are you including in the maintenance part of the housing options? They seem a bit high to me. I don’t think relocating should be a priority at your situation, but its always nice to browse etuovi.com every now and then :)

Vaikeasti
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Re: Vaikeasti to ERE - Family Journal

Post by Vaikeasti »

Thank you both for the honest feedback!

I'm a lazy loser that wants a medal just for shoving up. So I try to avoid anything that I feel I can't excel in. Be one of the best or don't even try have been my ways before. I'm trying to change that and it's really scary. Finishing school and trying to maintain a job mean that I have to face my own imperfections and be evaluated by other people. But it's still highly unlikely that I would not finish school this spring.

@Aspirant, I estimated the numbers from our current numbers and some data from housing ads that we could consider. I have no experience on houses maintenance fees so I might have overestimated them. The one bedroom flat I used as data point was so new it had a big loan for the housing unit.
A quick check up:
box of flats maintenance fee 300eur/month (4eur per square meters)
water 1,7eur/month (150 litres/person or 0,15m3 of which 2/3 cold at 4eur/m3 and 1/3 warm at 8eur/m3 for 2,1 persons)
internet 3-15eur/month
insurance 13eur/month (if.fi for 75square meters)
electricity 14eur/month (2000kWh/year at 0,04eur/kWh for electricity usage and transmission separately)
Parking lot rent/laundry room rent/sauna rent etc odd costs
total 350eur /month and up. So most likely something cheaper could be found than my numbers in above scenarios indicate.

In houses the maintenance fee is smaller or zero but they have costs like trash, taxes and heating costs which are significant.

On a side note:
I've started a buy nothing experiment and it makes me feel like I'm addicted to buying since I'm thinking about buying stuff so much. Especially not buying food is a challenge. I need to find a balance and make some rules in this since I can't avoid buying food for ever. (At the moment I'm eating through our cabinets and letting SO do all the grocery shopping so I can avoid going to a store. SO did around 90% of the grocery trips before too, because SO can do it while driving home on company car and fuel, so it is not a big change.)
I'm also trying to dial down my fear of giving the kids food poisoning. I realized my fear is not grounded on reality and I'm wasting a lot of edible food because of it. I've been throwing out food just in case, even if the food looks and smells okay. I've started by eating the food myself again and by studying about food spoilage rates and the risks involved.
Last edited by Vaikeasti on Fri Mar 19, 2021 7:07 am, edited 2 times in total.

Vaikeasti
Posts: 110
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Re: Vaikeasti to ERE - Family Journal

Post by Vaikeasti »

Eating:
I've made small progress with my eating habits. Now I'm eating normally on most days and doing a light fast on school and work days. Basically just skipping a few meals.
My eating habits through the week*:

Work days (1-2/week):
I try to eat something for breakfast (peanut butter bread or banana or something)
At work I drink a cup or two of tea and eat a snack biscuit** or a banana.
Leaving work I eat a snack biscuit (makes a big difference on how the trip home from daycare goes)
At home I eat dinner with the family
I eat a bowl of cereal or bread for supper with the kids before bed.

School days (2/week):
I try to eat breakfast (cereal/bread/fruits)
I eat lunch at home
I eat a banana/granola bar at school
I eat supper at home with the kids/family

Days off (3-4/week) I eat with the kids:
Breakfast
Lunch
(Snack)
Dinner
Supper

I now have the eating schedule somewhat in order. Soon I should start looking at the contents. But I'm not going to stress over that to the detriment of this schedule or my school or family.

*I am quite challenged with keeping routines so well see how long this will last. In the summer I should have four work days, three days off and zero school, so it is quite similar.

**I'm buying the Elovena snack biscuits at the moment and I need to start experimenting with making my own granola bars or something. I'm not really expecting it to save money but hoping to influence the ingredients and the GI (which is too high at the moment). Money saving would be a nice bonus though. Even better would be to continue experimenting with how I could make eating just nuts and dried fruit work for me.

The Buy nothing experiment:
My buy nothing experiment has also worked somewhat well. I've still bought stuff, but most of it has been edible.

During these first six weeks I've shopped on 16 days and not used money on 26 days. That a success rate of around 60%.

I've spent on these categories:
Groceries 3+4 by proxy
On the road snacks 1 (bananas to the rescue!)
School lunch 2 (These cost only 3e/meal so it didn't feel right to mix them into normal restaurant meals)
Restaurant 4 (a30-50eur/meal)
Toys 1 (4e)
Sweets 3+3 by proxy
Clothes 2 (for myself***)
Gift 1 (a housewarming gift about 10e)

It has been quite easy so far to go without buying stuff. Actually I recognize what someone else here has said that it is actually liberating that I can just skip the whole thinking about buying and all. I do sense some withdrawal symptoms but nothing too bad. Mostly I have some mental resistance with the fact that I'm not buying anything for the kids either. For some reason the idea that I need to spend money on my kids is hard to overcome.
At the moment I think I will be aiming for one spend day per week on food and one per month on other stuff. That should be enough to get the stuff that kids want and need. They grow so fast and need new shoes and such. And I'm planning on a few fun activities that are not free.
I need to listen to myself carefully to not fall back in to excessive spending, or to the candy-day-effect that I need to shop something because I have a spending day scheduled. Ugh, I already hate the idea of scheduling spend days. I need to think of something more suitable.
Last year after participating in January's vegan challenge I implemented my version of jacobs restaurant cheeseburger; when I go to a restaurant and they have a vegan option listed I order that. Saves me the trouble of choosing. It has worked really well, and even though it has raised a few eyebrows no-one has even asked about it yet. Problem is that if the place has no vegan options I still need to choose. And this plan has started to leak since some places already have multiple vegan options. I need to figure a plan B or better yet, make a flowchart. :lol:

I still bought way too many sugary sweets and I am still throwing food away.

But I'm improving. I have eaten food I previously would have thrown away. I got around to making a pancake out of old yogurt and eggs that smelled a little funny. I used to live like this before kids so this is not really new to me.
There was some work needed in starting to eat different food than the rest of the family but now it has become easy and normal. For some reason I'd forgotten the habit of leftover days even though it was normal even in my childhood home.

I remembered I had a candy stash as a child. I had a box where I stored like 50-70% of all the candy that was given to me. I was so good at storing my candy that some actually spoiled before I got to eat them. (No one taught me the FIFO principle so I had to learn it the rotten candy way.)
So I guess I've always been a bit of a miser? We will see how I manage this no buying experiment in the long run.

***Sorry if TMI: Bought new underwear! I got a gift card two years ago and finally used it. Buying clothes has always been hard for me.
Also bought three pairs of trousers secondhand. I only had one office worthy pair left. But I fixed one old pair and haven't used the new ones yet. We'll see if the new pairs turn out to be a miss fit and need to be gifted away. Happily my sister is a little smaller than me and likes the same kind of clothes.

Reaching for FI:
AxelHeyst wrote:I built out my rig before I was into ERE, but something to watch out for: I had a ‘buying stuff hangover’ after construction, because I had habituated buying all the components and materials. I had to retrain myself to not buy stuff all the time after I was through. Expense tracking would have helped I imagine!
Basically everything that AxelHeyst says resonates with me and here's one thing that stuck with me. He warns moretrees in her journal of the mental exhaustion from having to buy stuff when building/renovating. (Sidenote: I'm still wondering what kind of vehicle is a rig. Google didn't tell me and I'm too shy to ask directly.)
I can see this is what happened to me too. It was really hard to learn to spend such huge sums of money when buying a home and renovating it. And I had to do it so many times it kind of numbed me to buying. I still feel like I'm recovering from that.

And reading Gravy Trains journal again (or what was left of it), made me yet again realize what a special period I'm living at the moment. My kids are now both over two years old and I feel that the there is a bit more room to breath now. (Sings: And it's like the fooog has lifted~*ahem* sorry for that.. :roll: )

Every now and then I feel sad that I'm not FI yet and that I'm not holding it as my primary goal in life.
But then I think about what I want to do when I am FI.
And I want to spend time with my family and friends, learn new stuff and contribute positively to the world.
So there's no point in pursuing FI more than currently because I'm already living my post-FI dream life.
Spending time with my kids when they are little is important to me. Having days off during the week lets me spend time with the kids and visit places that would be too crowded in the weekends.
I have good social networks that help with childcare and fill most of my social needs.
I also like learning new things and optimizing processes and I get these from work and school. They also bring structure and accountability to my life.
I'm working because I need to feel important and valued and think of something else than kids. SO is providing for us at the moment so I have no monetary need to work. Just a moral need to pull my weight. Or more likely along the the lines that GandK said in AxelHeyst's journal I hang my self worth in the recognition I think other people give me for achieving things.

Biggest obstacle to my happiness is that I am not allowing myself to be content. (Like Suomalainen said to me right in the beginning. I hope he's doing well.)

Actually I think GandK put it so well that I'm going to frame it here so I'll remember it****:
GandK wrote:I live with a workaholic (my husband, G) but am not one myself. My perspective from the outside looking in is that his self-esteem is wrapped up in his ability to achieve results. Actually, it's more meta than that, now I verbalize it... it's more about the respect he gets from being seen to achieve results.

From time to time we butt heads about his obsessive foci. He sees my rejection of his voluntary stress tornado as an unacceptable laissez-faire, indicative of an inferior work ethic just like the rest of humanity (how disappointing in a spouse), and signalling that he ought to step in and do X himself or the world may cease to turn correctly. For my part, I see his priorities as incredibly misplaced: almost nothing he gets wound up about will matter 5 years from now, so my innate NF deathbed perspective looks at what he'd call "making hay" and sees neglect of relationships, of depth, of meaning itself and all the things he will someday regret not giving his life energy to in his pursuit of... well, a cleaner, more organized, and bigger pile of poop than the next guy.
So there is no point at the moment to work more to get more money.
This is the most important time to be with my kids. And the most time I'll have with them.
I've mostly given up on the dream of homeschooling my kids so in five years they'll be locked up in school and I have time to make money since I cannot spend time with them. The first kid starts preschool this year and school the next year. And the thought that They have obligations and I can't just go to a museum or something with them whenever I feel like it, is heartbreaking. I want more time with my kids, they're mine damnit!

I wish I could go back in time and help my pre-kids-self to get my shit together and be closer to FI in this time of life.

***I actually toyed with the idea of just posting quotes of other people on this journal from now on, because everyone is so fantastic in verbalizing what I'm also feeling and thinking that I see diminishing value in trying to put it in my own words. Well, for others at least. For me the process of writing or talking is vital to thinking and learning. So try to bear with me.

In short:
Success:
GPA still over 4/5
Worked on the homework assignment twice
Baked with the kids
Mainly kept my temper with the kids
Bought nothing except edibles for 5 weeks
Worked more hours per week
Cooked with the kids
Got to take a long (~20mins) shower by myself
Took a short walk in the forest by myself (~20min)

Room for improvement:
Internal motivation
Work on thesis
Better anger management
Relationship with SO
Near future planning
Regular exercise
Regular sleep
Balanced diet
Bought still too many sweets
Worked at night
Reacting better to naive optimism

Risks taken:
Went ice skating with the kids (went really well)
Invited a "new" friend over (went as well as expected)
Took a 3km walk with the kids to the beach and back (Win for my physical capabilities, but still should've organized a car ride for the trip back, it was too cold and hard for the kids even as they didn't need to walk)
Dragged SO to a party to socialize (Simply win)
Went for a forest walk with the kids after daycare (Win for my physical capabilities, some misbehaving on my part but the kids were fantastic)
Accepted thesis studying help from a colleague (mostly good, some bad, probably for the better overall)

Played it safe:
Stayed inside most of a rainy cabin trip
Stayed inside when the kids were sick
Didn't set a goal to abstain from anything during Lent

AxelHeyst
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Re: Vaikeasti to ERE - Family Journal

Post by AxelHeyst »

I use 'rig' as a general term to describe "any small domicile on wheels that someone uses to camp/sleep/live in". :) My DW's rig is a 1980's VW Vanagon. My rig is a converted cargo trailer. Sometimes I have a camper shell over the bed of my truck and sleep in it, and then that is my rig too.

Image
^This is my Serenity. Not much to look at from the outside!

I used to call my rig my 'trailer', but DW didn't like that term because in the US at least 'trailer' is very close to 'trailer trash', which basically means below poverty line white people who do a lot of meth, have too many babies, and yell at each other late at night.

I really enjoy your journal by the way, your writing resonates with me quite a bit. (Only slightly related: I found an article yesterday explaining what it means to be 'spiritually Finnish', and thought to myself, "My people! I've finally found them!")

Vaikeasti
Posts: 110
Joined: Fri Aug 30, 2019 3:02 pm

Re: Vaikeasti to ERE - Family Journal

Post by Vaikeasti »

@AxelHeyst, thank you for the clarification on the rig-term and the other nice words!

I'm not a camper*, yet, so your rig looks really intriguing. That does look like what we call trailers or rear carts here. But I can see that you wouldn't want to use the word with that baggage attached to it.
Also, I'm really envious of the snow in your picture. My heart keeps crying that we've killed winter since we haven't had much proper snow here.

I suppose you're familiar with Finnish Nightmares? http://finnishnightmares.blogspot.com/ :D

*I've slept in a tent like three nights in the past five years, and two of those times the tent was set up in my living room. Before kids I used to sleep in a tent about once a year, so not much. I think I've never slept in an RV or anything more exotic...

Vaikeasti
Posts: 110
Joined: Fri Aug 30, 2019 3:02 pm

Re: Vaikeasti to ERE - Family Journal

Post by Vaikeasti »

Year 2019 finances
I finally got around to totaling up our last years spending. It was huge as expected.
Average spending 4100eur/month or 2,5JAFIs per person equivalent.
Average income 4450eur/month
Spending total 47 000 eur (51500$)
Income total 53 800 eur (59300$)
So savings rate was 12% (Saved almost one JAFI...)

Well. On the bright side we have a lot of room for improvement. :P

First months of 2020
Sadly, I missed a deadline on the student allowance application and that lost us something around 750eur in "income" this year. (Only 350 of it is pure income and the rest is cheap student loan.) I'm so glad for leap day! Thanks to it I managed to file my application on February so I didn't lose that months allowance as well.

So far this year is looking better that last year. January's spending was 2900eur which is a drop of 40% compared to last years January or 30% compared to last years average monthly spending.
Actually the drop in expenses seems to have happened in November last year.
I have no idea what has caused the drop in spending. I do have a few theories; we seriously started potty training our youngest and it greatly reduced the cost of diapers or the benefits of thinking (about ERE) again are starting to show. Also the funeral related costs were finally over.

We've done a lot of grocery shopping lately because we've been restocking our pantry. SO has been a Bit restless by the new corona. We used to have at least half a years supplies when there was just the two of us. But lately that has not been the case since it is really hard to tell what the smaller ones will eat a few months into the future. We did a grocery shopping trip with SO and ended up spending money on four places that trip.

I also seem to need the category of stupidity on my budget. :oops: I keep making late fees and I just made a cancellation fee from a group reservation thanks to the covid scare.

I really feel like an addict regarding shopping. When I went to a mall with the kids I ended up spending 260 euros. I bought vitamins and pain killers and some groceries and some staples. But I also bought a restaurant meal even though I had packed a lunch. And I bought kids magazines just to get the kids to stop asking for stuff. I bought a juice-drink (You can't sell it as juice since there's too little fruit and too much sugar in it). Parting with money is usually so painful for me that, when I get around to buying stuff, it feels like I've shut down a part of my brain. The part that's capable of critical thinking and reasoning to be precise.

The thinking goes something along the lines of:
"Shit, I'm going to buy something, is it absolutely necessary? Am I getting the best value? Will this thing last or end up as waste sooner that I can get home?
I'm probably making a mistake. I don't have enough information. And I haven't thought about this for weeks at least. Someone is benefiting on my ignorance. Someone is laughing at me being a stupid consumer right now!"
*brain shuts down*
"Whatever, I'm a loser anyway and can never win so might as well let others benefit from my failures. A normal consumer would feel good about this so I/my kids might as well enjoy it too. Now that I'm buying this I'm singing up my soul to the capitalist forces and I'll never ever be anything else than a wage slave. Then again why would a loser like me deserve to be anything more? And since I've now failed I might as well buy this and that too. There's no telling what's a good purchase anyway. Every product has some skeletons in their closets and exploits on something or someone..."

Right now (Covid):
We've been instructed to avoid social contacts and work from home if possible and keep the kids home if possible. Schools are in distant learning (except classes for under 10 year olds). Daycare is operational. People over 70-years have been ordered to quarantine themselves as much as possible. Only very sick people and health care personnel are being tested for covid so the rest of the spread is unknown. There has been talk about locking down the whole Uusimaa region (the capital and surrounding areas) because over 60% of the cases are in the capital area. Also it is advised that people not travel to their cabins to not compromise that areas health care.
My school is work from home, my job is work from home. SO needs to go to work and also visits the grocery store a few times a week as normal. Also goes to the cabin in the weekends but only stops at one big city store in the way so no real danger to the locals at the cabin area.
Our daycare only accepts fully healthy kids, so thanks to one of the kids having a cough, I've been home this week with the kids.
All my other child care help options are either sick, part of the risk group or new strangers.
I'm stressed beyond the capacity to think about my responsibilities. So I just watch cartoons with the kids and let the world and all my goals burn.
I read RoamingFrancis is also trying to study with a house full of family members, so my heart goes out to him, and everyone else who are not exactly thriving in this full house situation. Keep calm and carry on! I'm sure next spring everything will look different.
My school work is due in the end of April so I really should get stuff done.
Last week I just managed to nudge my thesis forward a bit, but this week basically nothing has happened.
Well, except me getting my student allowance and some reading about the markets and thinking where and how much I could invest.
Keep safe everyone.

Whining about my life
Me and my SO had a weekend without the kids and during it we didn't really connect.
I did get a nice trip in the forest by myself. Still I felt like I wasted my precious time that weekend.
I should have used the time to advance my studies. But at the time I hoped something good would come out of our time together and I also didn't think that would be the last opportunity in the foreseeable future for getting a babysitter.

I roughly calculated that I could sustain myself and the kids with my current work, If I could work full time. If I get a raise that lifts me to median Finnish income then I could still work 80% and take care of myself and the kids. Of course my savings rate would be zero.
Making more ERE-worthy choices would brighten up the situation.
This is a calculation based on only a small change in our current lifestyle. (If you don't count the moving to a smaller home and living without SO.)
At the moment I'm roughly using half of our income while only making a fourth of it. So there is a clear monetary incentive to my current situation. Of course it is hard to tell if and how our spending habits would change if SO was not around. We are probably using less square meters for living now than if separate? Less tech at least.
If I could just be a perfect housewife from a few millennia back... But even if I could, I do not want to set such an example to my kids.

Alas, I am not, at least at the moment, able to manage parenting my kids, parenting my SO, taking care of work, staying up to speed in school, juggling my three official posts, and taking care of myself. I'm not able to fulfill any of my duties at the moment. Some days my only goal is to get the kids fed in a somewhat respectable manner and timetable.
On a bright side I have scheduled an introductory meeting with two psychotherapists. So in the fall at the latest, I should be having weekly sessions. This is of course a big expense and as such it makes me think about the current dilemma even more.
Like AxelHeyst and mooretrees said in AxelHeysts journal, I've enjoyed the status of being married. I believe being married has been the final touch on me being not date-worthy to anyone and I've been free of that hassle. Just the thought of that ending scares me. My SO is easy to make happy and I like making people happy. SO just needs more alone time than is possible currently and I need more social interaction than is possible at the moment. Maybe we could just live separated but still remain married? A win-win?

(If I would suddenly get a few millions, nearly all my problems would go away. I'd buy/commission two apartment buildings and then we could have separate homes next to each other. I'd also be able to let a few of my friends rent cheaply or for free and the rest of the apartments would provide for my family. Yeah. Maybe a few millions wouldn't be enough. But I can dream can't I. :roll: )

In short:
Success:
Organized a playdate at our place that motivated me to do a little cleaning (also it was nice meeting them and they brought snacks)
Did the exam on an extracurricular course
Took an unplanned trip to a play ground with the kids
Found out I can return my schools library books to a place near my home
Prepared dinner with the kids, the bigger one is getting pretty good at cutting with a knife and the smaller one is really eager to help in the kitchen
Made a cake with the kids (Actually we made three cakes but decorated only and I put the other two in to the freezer)
Delivered some official papers on time
Small progress on thesis
Progress on therapy
Updated my journal

Room for improvement:
Sleep more regularly
Invited my sister over to play with the kids (it was nice but I should've been more social)
Spent whole day/evening basically just watching videos with the kids (multiple occasions)
Actively listening to SO (or other people)
Missed a thesis meeting
Messed up with school library so that it has ended up costing me 17 euros in late fees and such

Risks taken:
Went to an indoor activity park with the kids (we had a really nice time and we were almost the only customers, but it did cost a lot and really exposed us to all kinds of germs)
We've visited a few playgrounds and played with a few friends there even after the social isolation requests.

Played it safe:
Stayed home instead of going to the cabin with the cranky SO ( kids were heart broken of course)
Last edited by Vaikeasti on Fri Mar 19, 2021 7:09 am, edited 2 times in total.

Vaikeasti
Posts: 110
Joined: Fri Aug 30, 2019 3:02 pm

Re: Vaikeasti to ERE - Family Journal

Post by Vaikeasti »

I apologize for the rambling. I'll maybe edit this when/if my brain is functioning better at some point.

On spending
I thought this covid thing would make it easy to keep from buying but my consumerist alter ego has found ways to spend even now.
I bought a lifetime membership in an association. And we've spent a lot of money while stocking food.
I also ordered from two local online food waste reduction stores (fiksuruoka.fi and matsmart.fi). I ordered way too much treats. But the process was smooth and the first delivery got here in three days. The normal online grocery store has a week as estimated delivery schedule.

EDIT: The fiksuruoka.fi order came through in three days, but Matsmart never delivered. They informed me two weeks after ordering that the package had been damaged in delivery and refunded the order and shipping costs. Thankfully most of the essential things were on the fiksuruoka order.

The total of the past seven weeks is:
Days shopped 11
Buy nothing days 38
Success rate 78%

Categories:
Groceries 10
Snacks 0
School lunch 1
Restaurant 1
Toys 2 (magazines and watercolors)
Sweets 8 (eliminating added sugar from our diet would solve so many problems)
Clothes 2
Gift 0
Medical 2
Leisure 2
Stupidity 1
Stuff 1

Also SO shopped 1-2 times a week for groceries. And maybe something else. I am only keeping score for myself.

On studying
I will not be graduating this spring. My SO cannot support me in my studying, so my only child care help is the day care. And since the kids are not allowed there with even a small sniffle they have been home a lot.
I was already stressed to the brink and this has pushed me over.
If before this I needed three to four hours to calm myself down before I could start anything mentally demanding, now that time has at least doubled.
I'm now hoping to finish my last mandatory course before summer and after that I will continue with the thesis. If I'm lucky I'll be graduating in the fall.
This really weighs me down as it feels like such a big failure. I do know that trying to complete school while producing two offspring was a tall order, but still. I know that I've fared well given everything but letting go of my own standards is very painful.
It really rubs me that if I could finish my thesis this spring I would get it done without the verbal presentation since those are cancelled for the spring period.
But I cannot and this is now an exercise in tolerating disappointment.

On social media
I feel I'm dying for deep social connection and lengthy discussions. Also I'm burnt out and stressed. I've been fighting this with social media. And it really doesn't work.
I tried having the Good Friday completely off internet but I failed. I did manage to keep my phone closed for the day, but I checked one recipe from the internet and I let the kids watch videos for two hours after I accidentally burned the bigger ones finger. We were using a hot glue gun for the first time and my concentration slipped for a moment...
That day made it again painfully clear how addicted we all are to internet.
My children will sneak off to internet every time I take my eyes off them and I keep mindlessly browsing news and talking in social media almost every half an hour.
I got more things done that day than usually and I actually felt less mental pain than usual. I still felt like my heart is going give up and my lungs collapse, but I didn't feel the strong urge to throw up.
I played a bit more with the kids and was more present to them. I didn't shout in rage at the kids either.
I think a big difference is that I wasn't engaged in conversations in the social media. My attention was less scattered. So there were less occasions when I was caught off guard by something the kids had pulled off.
I had not realized my situation had gotten this bad.

It is so much easier to just hide in the internet than face this mess we're in.

But I can't hide anymore. I have to be strong for my children. For myself. And it hurts more than anything I've felt before. (Giving birth was easy to me. Withdrawal symptoms are only physical. Grief over my Mother In Laws passing was mostly pure sadness.) I'm grieving the relationship, the family, the years, the life energy, the dream, lost in this.

The dissatisfaction is great but the vision and plan are still unclear.

About diet
In our current home I haven't been able to use the pressure cooker. So cooking dry beans hasn't really happened.
A few weeks back I decided to fix this issue since I had so much dry beans lying in the pantry.
I made two bean dishes, one for the adults (soya beans in taco sauce) and one for the kids (black beans in tomato sauce). The kids ate some, SO ate some, but basically I ate those foods for two meals a day for five days.
I didn't think this would be a problem, but my stomach disagreed. It took over a week to return to normal digestion. I was certain I had food poisoning or the covid stomach flu edition. But looking back it was probably just the beans.
This was a true wake up call for me that I can't just store beans and expect my family to survive solely on those.
I've been eating beans almost daily so I thought I'd be good, but I was wrong. And the rest of the family eat even less beans on their typical diet.

I also noticed that when I'm working at home I'm eating two meals per day plus breakfast, snack and supper. If this lock down keeps up for long I'm not going to fit through doors anymore. Or be able to lift myself up since my muscles have wilted away. I need healthy habits. I just have no energy to pursue those. Or motivation for that matter.


In short:
Success:
Some progress on thesis
Some progress on homework assignment
Good Friday without social media
Successful video calls with family and friends (even the kids friends!)
Baked a lot
Food waste has reduced a little
Had a successful first meeting with a therapist
Ordered food from the internet (and hopefully reduced food waste to boot)

Room for improvement:
Dealing with disappointments
Maintaining balanced diet (especially for the kids)
Less spending
Less food waste
Less social media
Being present for the kids
Making a plan for the future and executing it
Cleaning
Showering
Locked my bank accounts for a while

Risks taken:
Went for a hike in the forest with my dad and the kids
Went to the playgrounds a few times with the kids
Told about our/my situation at the day care
Hot glue gun crafts with the older kid
Sent highly detailed and honest email to therapists

Played it safe:
Let the kids pee in a bucket in the living room since SO was in the toilet
Working from home
Not meeting friends
Delayed graduation
Slowed a little with work
Cancelled a study group meetup
Cancelled the weekly social worker visits (would have changed to a random person)
Cancelled a game with friends
Last edited by Vaikeasti on Tue May 19, 2020 9:05 am, edited 2 times in total.

ertyu
Posts: 2893
Joined: Sun Nov 13, 2016 2:31 am

Re: Vaikeasti to ERE - Family Journal

Post by ertyu »

Lots of strength to you. You are trying to finish school to improve the situation for the entire family, and your SO prefers to browse the internet rather than to help out. Of course he thinks there is no issue - he gets someone else to do all the parenting for him while he scrolls around "learning things" and "taking his mind off stress." Do *you* not need to take your mind off stress?

Stay strong. I send all my hope that you can graduate, even if it is later than you planned, and that you can use this diploma as a stepping stone to start caring for two children rather than three. I expect the burden would seem much lighter when the third child isn't there to incessantly complain.

I understand the need to grieve. You did your best and tried your hardest to shoulder in all the work in the family, and all the work of making the relationship work. There's no problem for him, so it doesn't matter that there is a problem for you. You tried to go to counseling and make him see it, and he refused, because your exhaustion and suffering is acceptable as long as he doesn't get to do the work of parenting. Stay strong as you share with therapists and daycare and you ask for help. The virus has made things hard, but it has also shown you who your husband is and what his priorities are when things get hard. Godspeed. I wish you strength.

Vaikeasti
Posts: 110
Joined: Fri Aug 30, 2019 3:02 pm

Re: Vaikeasti to ERE - Family Journal

Post by Vaikeasti »

Thank you for the kind words ertyu. They are much appreciated.
I hope this pandemia treats your family kindly.

Quantummy
Posts: 18
Joined: Thu Jun 14, 2018 10:39 pm

Re: Vaikeasti to ERE - Family Journal

Post by Quantummy »

Enjoy and am impressed with your journal. Everyone's situation is different. For me, enduring stress with housing and kids for 15+ years with SO has been a challenging journey. We are now in a better place - bless you on your path.

Aspirant
Posts: 125
Joined: Mon Dec 31, 2018 10:57 am
Location: 65 deg north

Re: Vaikeasti to ERE - Family Journal

Post by Aspirant »

Jaksamista sulle :)

You are trying to cope with an exceptional situation with kids home and juggling work and studies. I bet my wife feels little bit the same way.
I would ease things up from some angle. You are doing full time babysitting and homemaking, full time studying and part time work. That´s about 2,5 times normal workload. You need to realize that not everything needs to be at full steam at the same time.

Try to outline some family calendar (lukujärjestys) for each week and try to get your DH to participate in the chores. For example the kids need to eat 5 times per day. That´s 25 meals per work week, 10 of which are warm. Try to arrange that he will take care of half of them. Not only buying the groceries, but also cooking (and cleaning up afterwards). Split the chores in advance so he knows what you expect of him and not just bitch about some undone stuff that he didn´t know about.

I have been struggling with the slow pace in all the changes that I am trying to implement. I think we both need to prioritize our own well being. If you don´t eat or sleep well, you don´t have the energy or willpower to implement better stuff in your life. Take 1 hours off 2-5 times a week and go for a walk or do stretching or yoga. Now that´s easier said than done (I am trying and failing that currently, but making slight improvements).

I am kind of in the same situation with your DH. I try to juggle full time work and provide and I need a lot more "alone time" than I am currently getting. The tired and nagging wife situation doesn´t really help :)

Vaikeasti
Posts: 110
Joined: Fri Aug 30, 2019 3:02 pm

Re: Vaikeasti to ERE - Family Journal

Post by Vaikeasti »

Quantummy, thank you for the kind words. I say as Suomalainen has said earlier: I'd like to read more about your journey and your tips regarding children and family life.
Usually I only hear stories of people that have divorced and they say that it was the right choice. I'd really love hearing the stories where the family managed to stay together.

Thank you for the comment Asprirant! I'm still waiting for that post you promised about your spouse. :)

Aspirant
Posts: 125
Joined: Mon Dec 31, 2018 10:57 am
Location: 65 deg north

Re: Vaikeasti to ERE - Family Journal

Post by Aspirant »

I have been thinking about writing about it. I am not sure I should be writing other people's stuff online so I am little uncomfortable about it.

But basically balancing part time studies (phd), part time work and full time family is hard...

Vaikeasti
Posts: 110
Joined: Fri Aug 30, 2019 3:02 pm

Re: Vaikeasti to ERE - Family Journal

Post by Vaikeasti »

Expenses
My cell phone plan's cost was rising (again) so we finally switched providers. We ended up with a provider called Moi and now our total internet+phone costs should be 35-47 Eur/month depending how much we speak on the phone. (Without this change it would've been 55Eur.) This includes two phone plans and internet to our home and our cabin(for the security cam).

School
I passed the last exam I had. Now I only need the thesis and a homework assignment to graduate. I should focus on the homework assignment so that I can pass that last course. But me being me, I'm looking at videos of Ismo Leikola (the funniest man in the world in 2014) and sleeping too little.
I know the sleep deprivation makes it even harder to focus and think straight, but I also know this is my futile attempt to cope with the anxiety.

Work
I got a promise that my contract would be extended until fall. But the project that I was working on was postponed, so in reality I have no work to do, so no pay either for some time.
I'm not too worried. I know we have way too high fixed expenses but my SO is probably not the first one to be laid-off if it comes to that in their company. Biggest concern regarding this is my ability to hold this family unit together for the duration of all this.

I will soon be "promoted" from a substitute to a full member in one council so I can attend more meetings and get remunerated from those. The meetings are mentally taxing because I like to do my job properly and I don't have the time to dive into the subjects addressed as much as I'd like. And some of the meetings are really long and include irrelevant sidetracks.
Most of the meeting are in the evenings which is really difficult for me given that I have no child care for evenings at the moment. But thank fully they are all remote meetings for the time being. If we don't need to have our camera on during them I can manage just fine I think.
I'm glad I didn't let go of these meetings in the beginning of the year when I was thinking about ways to reduce my stress. The tiny income stream from them and the structure they bring to my schedule is very welcome at this moment.

In short:
Success:
Did the exam on the the last required course (and passed)
Went for a walk
Settled on a therapist and filed the application to be reimbursed for the therapy costs
Drawing session with both of the kids
Baked bread rolls once or twice a week
Planted some seed, some have survived our care and sprouted (tomato and rucola)
Tax refund of 1000eur coming in the fall (I always try to loan to the government even though it's not smart finances)
A few skype birthday parties went nicely with the kids

Room for improvement:
Complained to daycare for them asking to deliver personal information over email

Risks taken:
Went to the beach with the kids, it was way too cold, but at least there was no-one else playing in the sand and water.
The kids have been to the day care

Played it safe:
Postponed the thesis and graduation to fall

Vaikeasti
Posts: 110
Joined: Fri Aug 30, 2019 3:02 pm

Re: Vaikeasti to ERE - Family Journal

Post by Vaikeasti »

Two weeks in the cabin
Just got home from two weeks in our cabin.
The weeks in the cabin were good for the soul. We had way too much screen time still, but we managed to go out almost every day (the weather was not very warm). The peace and quiet and the fact that you don't have to be think about covid. I even got some work done. The kids social and developmental needs were a bit neglected so we returned to town now. At the moment I am not a good parent and resorted to screen time way too often.
We walked to the "beach" near our cabin to look at the water (way too cold to swim or anything). I was surprised how long my kids walked. I will try to take more walks with them, it was really pleasant.

I dug some holes for a few plants and my SO planted some rhubarb (Rheum rhabarbarum), aronia (Aronia mitschurinii) and blackcurrant (Ribes nigrum). We already had two blackcurrants and one redcurrant (Ribes rubrum). There are also some wild strawberries (Fragaria vesca) and wild rasberries (Rubus idaeus) around the premises. There are also three dead or suffering apple trees.. SO is planning on planting three new apple trees and I spent a day searching the topic and then suggested some species of apple trees for him to plant.

During the stay I practiced a little with wild edibles. I made pancakes out of stinging nettles (Urtica dioica) which turned out to be a success. I tried frying some goutweed (Aegopodium podagraria), one time was really good but on the second try I accidentally burned them (and that was when the kids wanted a taste so their experience was not so glorious). Prepared fireweed sprouts (Chamaenerion angustifolium) like parsley and the second try was good. I also ate some other greens straight from the ground with my kids.

Small frugal innovations
It's amazing how long you can create bubble baths by adding a little water to the "empty" soap bottle.
After only water comes out I can recycle the bottles to plastic waste instead of energy waste. Yay for recycling!
(My normal method is putting a little soap in a bucket and adding water and then scooping the bubbles to their bath.)
We're still using liquid soap but I've been thinking about looking into bar soaps. :D
The bubble baths need to take a break during the summer so that I can water our plants with the bath water again.

My bigger kid has been asking for Pokemon GO for a while now. So we made a Pokemon hunt on our own. We made Pokemon's out of paper and cardboard and I hid them outside and the kids searched for them. First time I made a google map that marked the hiding spots but the kids only looked at it the first two minutes or so. We also took self made poke balls with us (but they weren't necessary either).
I'm glad it worked out so well! I do not want the kids to spend anymore screen time.
(As a side note: I'm mixed as people have been complimenting the Pokemons I've drawn. I do not think they are especially good so are they just being nice or is the bar for "good" drawing skills lower than I've thought?)

On privacy and security
I'm concerned about the security issues and privacy of our information so I've yet to download the Pokemon GO. There is no free lunch as they say.

I'm having increasing difficulties protecting our personal information as the authorities encourage to take security risks and want to send personal information via facebook/whatsapp/email/zoom. It's really frustrating to keep reminding them that this is not appropriate, even more so when they reply that "it's fine with everyone else". :(

Can't wait for the social isolation from peers and the pressure from teachers my children will face if I still try to read all terms and agreements and decline on using risky contact methods while they are in school..

In short:
Success:
Got new books from the library
Therapy
Pokemon hunt (time spent with the kids in preparing and playing)
Arranged working bikes for the kids (mine still pending)
Gifts and party feeling for a birthday with minimal compromise on isolation
Told one telemarketer to shove it, politely

Room for improvement:
Sleep
Thesis
Savings
Long term (and short term) planning

Risks taken:
Spoke to a new authority figure about our family
Visits of relatives due to a birthday (outdoors and indoors, one sleepover, all very energizing)
Kids in the daycare
One meet with a friend with a sniffle (most likely allergy)

Played it safe:
Two weeks of cabin
Not asking for more work hours (every week)

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