Frita’s journal

Where are you and where are you going?
Frita
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Re: Frita’s journal

Post by Frita »

Alphaville wrote:
Mon Aug 10, 2020 4:27 pm
if this is the person who also lied to you then it adds up
Yep.

Scott 2
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Re: Frita’s journal

Post by Scott 2 »

The relationship has to serve on both sides. Good job looking after yourself.

Frita
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Re: Frita’s journal

Post by Frita »

Scott 2 wrote:
Mon Aug 10, 2020 9:13 pm
The relationship has to serve on both sides. Good job looking after yourself.
Thanks, @Scott2. It’s interesting that one can struggle with relationship boundaries more post-FI. Counterintuitive. Avoid this trap, friends.

Edited for AC typo
Last edited by Frita on Tue Aug 11, 2020 11:13 am, edited 1 time in total.

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Alphaville
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Re: Frita’s journal

Post by Alphaville »

im curious if the organizational sociopath is male or female. that phrase sounds like a male taunt.

have you ever read or heard about “the sociopath next door”?

1 in 25 is a lot of people...

7Wannabe5
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Re: Frita’s journal

Post by 7Wannabe5 »

Okay, forget about the general state of the economy, here’s another take. As an eNTP, especially a female ENTP, it is easy to get drawn into work/relationships based on tertiary Fe functioning. However, this initial “good goodness fit” will not prove to be functional because we really only have 6 year old level functioning in that realm. We are better off attempting work that focuses on being innovative or clever, even though there is obviously less social support for that.

We all develop different coping or not coping mechanisms, but one thing I should have learned by now is that doing primarily people work makes me fat.

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Alphaville
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Re: Frita’s journal

Post by Alphaville »

7Wannabe5 wrote:
Tue Aug 11, 2020 6:48 am
tertiary Fe functioning.
MANUEL: ¿Qué?
7Wannabe5 wrote:
Tue Aug 11, 2020 6:48 am
One thing I should have learned by now is that doing primarily people work makes me fat.
:lol:

7Wannabe5
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Re: Frita’s journal

Post by 7Wannabe5 »

@Alphaville:

Primary function of ENTP is Ne, extroverted intuition (exploration), secondary function is Ti, introverted thinking (analysis), tertiary function is Fe, extroverted feeling (harmony), and fourth function is Si, introverted sensing (memory.)

According to the car (driver, shotgun, kids in the back) model of MBTI theory, you best achieve genius functioning by focusing on improving your secondary “shotgun” functioning to work well with your primary function while ignoring the “kids in the back” functions. For an ENTP, maintaining social harmony can actually be used as an excuse for avoiding the slow, hard work of analysis in conjunction with explorer’s impulse. IOW, if something seems interesting/fun/delicious AND it can be bundled with “makes other people happy/helps or does no harm” then it is easier to jump without first answering “Does this make sense?”

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Alphaville
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Re: Frita’s journal

Post by Alphaville »

@7w5

ah, thanks for the explanation. it wasn't super-clear to me originally so i went looking up these "functions" and eventually found some things online. they seem to make some sense so i'll play along and see if i can make sense of it.

sssssoooo per her astro-chart and your she needs to boost analysis to support exploration? something like that?

for INTP it says Ti + Ne is the stuff? i wanna become a genius and i want the recipe :D

(but no, seriously, i wouldn't mind some optimization. one true thing i read from those "functions" is that bookkeeping KILLS ME. i'm hiring a tax preparer next, well worth the money for me. mbti endorsed!)

7Wannabe5
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Re: Frita’s journal

Post by 7Wannabe5 »

Right. There is a sort of compulsion towards care-taking activities for the eNTP which should be resisted, because eventually we will end up feeling bored, guilty, and fat. I think the only situation in which this is readily transcended resembles Frita's description of earlier teaching experience as part of masterful team. Otherwise, it's better that fulfillment of social function is kept at a distance. For instance, thinking about who would be happy to buy a rare book in my inventory was good "distance" for me. Dealing with the never-ending drama of hordes of middle school kids was waaaay too much.

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Alphaville
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Re: Frita’s journal

Post by Alphaville »

riiiiight. people!

i realized some time ago that working in a social setting would eventually get me lynched. :lol:



@Frita: sorry to derail! i‘ll shut up now lol

Frita
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Re: Frita’s journal

Post by Frita »

@Alphaville
Female, she is the Board Treasurer who was the previous year’s President. I would say that she is more of a manipulative, self-serving individual in an organization with similar values than actually having a personality disorder. There is a continuum of maladaptive behavior approaching the DSM-5 diagnosis for Antisocial Personality Disorder.

@7W5
Perhaps being an eNTP with a well-developed F is my issue. T is definitely my preference. I don’t need to analyze more so much as care less as I explore. I am interested in social justice and societal betterment, not mindless caretaking to strip others’ independence.

Looking back, the blatant cheapness of the organization was a red flag. I should have asked for copies of all financials, including payroll line items, to uncover untruths. The niceness made the lies easier to believe, while continued analysis pieced together a more complete and disturbing picture. Without being an insider, it’s hard to really know...or maybe that’s an excuse on my part. If I were a wageslave, I would have sucked it up and stayed until I found something else; I would have lied in one form or another to do so.

Another red flag I missed was that my predecessor did not connect a friend or acquaintance with the position. Working wage jobs are scarce here. Cronyism and nepotism are common. The two major employers prefer people fresh out of college. Employees churn. If this nonprofit director position was desirable, she would have passed it along to someone she knew.

Yes, being part of a masterful team is completely different than being a cog in a dysfunctional, drama-filled, boundary-crossing, self-sacrificing hodgepodge of stupid and/or dishonest people. It’s like a person has to drink the Flavorade (Jonestown reference, it wasn’t actually real Koolaid.). The main emotion I feel in these situations is resentment. I don’t feel bored in that I can see a better possible outcome. If I just limped along with the status quo, it would indeed be boring. The guilt felt is either absorbing the emotions others should be feeling (gaslighting?) and/or a no-longer-functional coping mechanism to persist in situations. Comfort eating is one of my coping mechanisms too, though I am not fat.

3 things for which I am grateful:
1. Fresh raspberries from the garden: I made cinnamon-like rolls with a berry filling and cream cheese icing this morning.
2. Pickle ball: This is my spouse’s new obsession. He spends hours on it daily. It frees up my time to do what I haven’t quite figured out yet.
3. My teen’s first job has been an excellent experience. It sets a good bar as to what to expect.

horsewoman
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Re: Frita’s journal

Post by horsewoman »

How awful! It's good that you got out ASAP, but like @alphaville said, treat it as a learning experience and move on. No one needs that kind of drama!

I wonder if there is such a thing as school aides for disabled kids in the US? Might this be a good fit for you? I used to work in this field (on the administrative side) and it seems to be a low-stress job with the benefit of really making a difference for the kid in question.

Frita
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Re: Frita’s journal

Post by Frita »

Thanks, @horsewoman! It was just unbelievable.

Thank you for the suggestion. Perhaps in a different situation, it would be a possibility. I know my journal is long and winding. Quick summary:

My background is education! I am unable to get into the school district. I have never been able to even get an interview for a paraprofessional position (school aide). There is a culture of hiring the cheapest people possible. Rinse and repeat. I cost more because of my age (insurance costs), education, and experience. Because our town has a small population of 45k and poor job prospects, cronyism and nepotism rules. There is no way to be an insider. With the state economy being in such a bad position that educational funding is now on the chopping block too, hiring me makes even less sense. (Frankly, I personally would think the opposite. Hiring well-qualified people with differing backgrounds who love their profession, can see a path to something better, and are willing to work toward that could be revolutionary. The revolution isn’t going to happen.) The one interview I had with the district was obviously to tick a box (See upthread.). I have to let the education thing go because it’s high on frustration with a low return, just to find a position. This nonprofit gig was an attempt to do that. At this point, I am out of ideas and need a break from trying.

3 things I am grateful for:
1. Coffee: After water, it’s the best drink on the planet. Black, no sugar.
2. A good pillow top mattress: This is one thing worth top dollar. I have never been anywhere with better beds.
3. 1619 Project: The ongoing NYT project of stories to reframe slavery and the contributions of Black Americans. Our country was founded on oppression, revisionist history, and a culture of accepting half truths. It’s embarrassing.

Edit: @7W5’s observation that given my personality, I thrive as a member of a high functioning team. Otherwise, it is just frustrating. Even if I was hired as a para in this district, I see it being miserable. Theoretically, it could work in the right system who hired for a different fit than inexperienced, minimally educated, and/or connected enough to tolerate/participate in morally flexible behavior.
Last edited by Frita on Thu Aug 13, 2020 12:14 pm, edited 1 time in total.

horsewoman
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Re: Frita’s journal

Post by horsewoman »

Ah, I understand. Here in Germany it is not the school (or the school district) that hires and pays the school aids but it is organised over social services, funded by the government. Parents are the ones who decide who aids their children, as long as this person has a clear (criminal) record.
So I did not make the connection between your educational troubles and my job suggestion!

Frita
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Re: Frita’s journal

Post by Frita »

@horsewoman
Thank for explaining the differences in the German system. Actually, it sounds much better than the US as there are checks and balances to provide better care for students with disabilities. Here parents are an often overlooked part of the team. Letting them choose a service provider for the school setting is a rare occurrence.

From what you describe about worker rights and social safeguards in Germany, it sounds significantly better than the US. Ironically, my spouse’s great-grandparents on the maternal-side emigrated in the late 1800s from Germany to homestead/farm in Oregon. I am sure it was a good decision at the time.

Frita
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Re: Frita’s journal

Post by Frita »

This weekend I talked myself down from the ledge of applying for a last minute opening in the school district. Better to go with my previous decision of walking away and minimizing interactions with them. It kind of feels like giving up when it’s more like letting go of something that was never there in the first place.

Our teen’s school starts in a week and a half. Friday we discovered it will only be two days a week, either Monday-Wednesday or Tuesday-Thursday. We are still waiting to see which he has...and if this is the actual starting plan.

Last week I did get some calls from clients wanting me to unresign again. Straight to voicemail. Unanswered. I just need to learn from my past sappy behavior and discontinue permanently.

Our newest neighbors are in Sturgis. Lovely. Not really.

3 things:
1. Guatemalan-Mexican fusion food: Last night I made sopa seca tostadas. Not super healthy with fried shells but delicious comfort food.
2. Pickle ball: I gave it a go and didn’t mind it. Easier than tennis, better exercise than ping pong. Whacking balls is therapeutic.
3. Less forest fires than past years: One did just start near us on Friday. It’s harder to breathe.

ertyu
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Re: Frita’s journal

Post by ertyu »

Frita wrote:
Sun Aug 16, 2020 10:41 am
It kind of feels like giving up when it’s more like letting go of something that was never there in the first place.
this is a wise insight, applicable even when lifted it out of the context of your post. i think i may be going through a similar thing - grieving an ideal that is meaningful to you and that you know is possible save for how the only person one controls is oneself and sometimes institutions, organizations, and families--and other individual people--are just dysfunctional and there's nothing one can do to change them. In a strange way, realizing what you're grieving was never real helps with letting go.

Yay for protecting your time and yourself, and enjoying tasty food.

Frita
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Re: Frita’s journal

Post by Frita »

ertyu wrote:
Sun Aug 16, 2020 2:21 pm
In a strange way, realizing what you're grieving was never real helps with letting go.
Truth. The closest lessons I can think of are realizing that Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, and the Toothfairy are all made up. Everyone let’s go of these illusions. (Adults now seem to trick o’ treat, which I find strange, but that’s off topic.)

Perhaps the conflict is where to shift once one no longer believes in things that so many others still believe in. It feels rather hopeless in a solitary-sort of way. I am deep into stage 5 of Paul Chefurka’s Ladder of Awareness. The outer path, while my preference, doesn’t seem to fit. Or perhaps I don’t want to go all-in, rather preserve my autonomy and keep one foot in something more mainstream. The inner path is circuitous and suffocating.

My last paycheck arrived yesterday. It’s kind of sad because it feels like my last paycheck ever. I don’t really need anything so I guess l’ll save it. Passive income just doesn’t have the same feeling of being earned. Young Frita took care of Now Frita.

ertyu
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Re: Frita’s journal

Post by ertyu »

Frita wrote:
Tue Aug 18, 2020 12:33 pm

My last paycheck arrived yesterday. It’s kind of sad because it feels like my last paycheck ever. I don’t really need anything so I guess l’ll save it. Passive income just doesn’t have the same feeling of being earned. Young Frita took care of Now Frita.
If it does end up being the last check, congratulations. I, too, did not retire with a bang but rather “stumble vaguely downwards.” Enjoy the new next stage, whatever it may bring.

Frita
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Re: Frita’s journal

Post by Frita »

@ertyu In the spirit of “stumbling vaguely downward,” I am doing small things to move outside of my box. The last two days were uncharacteristically hot, in the 90s. Just for fun I let myself eat as many store-bought sugary popsicles as I wanted. Four per day. Wow, what a way to tear up one’s stomach and just feel terrible. My experience with increasing sugar has ended. More fun to come in this check and see, fail often phase!

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