Frita’s journal

[ertyu]

Yes but if you hadn’t tried, you’d have been wanting popsicles and feeling bad for denying yourself them. I call pop sickle experiment a success.

[Frita]

Regardless of when one starts counting, it took months or years or decades to figure out my “solution” to the challenge of early retirement when doing the work I once loved was no longer an option. This probably sounds simplistic or easy. I have found it to be neither.

There were some 1840s American pioneers who just had to take cumbersome items with them on their journeys west. (I like to imagine pianos taking up a significant fraction of the prairie schooners.) Anyway, many people ditched these items before hitting the Rockies. These discards could have been sold to help fund the trip. They took up valuable space and required care. Then they were left behind like trash. My career in education is like that castoff piano beside the wagon ruts.

I also think of the Zen story retold by Noah Rasheta ( https://secularbuddhism.com/145-the-quest-for-answers/) speaks to the situation. He interprets it as asking the right questions instead of finding the answers. I view it more as letting go.

[This is] the story of a monk who was trying to achieve enlightenment. He asks the teacher that he’s working with, how can I achieve enlightenment? The teacher says, oh, that’s quite easy actually. Meet me at the top of this hill every day and bring me a stone. Once you have the correct stone or the correct rock, I’ll be able to share this with you and you’ll be enlightened. The monk was pretty excited to hear that so he starts taking stones every day up to the top of the hill where the teacher is waiting for him. Every day he’s getting the same answer, no, that’s not the right stone. Go find the right stone.

He goes back down and every day it’s the same process. This goes on for weeks and for months and months into years. This monk every day he’s carrying up stones everyday getting the same answer, that’s not the right one. He’s trying heavy ones and sharp ones. One day, out of pure frustration, he’s climbed the hill with what I imagine was a very heavy stone. It’s the same answer. No, that’s not the right stone. Out of frustration, he just drops the stone and says, I’m done. This is ridiculous. I’m not bringing any more stones up this hill. There is no right rock. The teacher tells him, yeah, you’re right. At that moment, the monk becomes enlightened.

[Alphaville]

that is a very nice post

[jacob]

Good stuff. Reminds me (dunno if that's actually the case or simply apocryphal) of certain Appalachian Trail hikers starting out carrying "big survival knifes" or even bear guns ... but eventually discarding them for walking sticks to save their knees instead.

Also the mental transition from "getting the answers right" to "getting the questions right" between undergraduate school and graduate school ... or between careerism and whatever it is I'm currently trying to do.

[classical_Liberal]

...

[Frita]

@Jacob
Thanks for the additional transition examples to ponder. Some transitions seem to involve a sudden mental shifts that transform the narratives. (I can’t quite put this into words.)

@c_L
I wonder if the cultural narrative for helping professions, like nursing and teaching, make it more challenging to leave. Could the systemic dysfunction be a factor too? One person I know who left said that she knew staying would mean becoming someone she didn’t respect. I battled that off and on, more in the last years, but can honestly say I didn’t succumb. (Surely, this was the deciding factor in being done.*)

While grieving, looking back with gratitude can soften the current emotions and future projections. It is a valuable survival tool. And grieving needs to progress in order to move on.

For me, the shift is that my career is really just another thing. While there were positive aspects, I don’t need to channel them to balance out any negative feelings. I don’t feel sad. It would only be a waste if I continued to carry it.

* From childhood until college, I went to summer camp. A tug-a-war tournament opened and closed our time together. Often one knows the outcome prior to the match. Should all (or some or one, these decisions are not always collective) hold on to the rope; enduring rope burns, possible blisters, and a mud bath? Or is letting go more skillful (or more fun to see the others’ reactions)? When is the best time to release (early versus putting in more effort)? Does it matter if the losers have to clean the bathrooms? What if the winners get ice cream? There are so many factors for such a simple game.

A couple more notes on pioneers:
1) It took a month to cross Nebraska. Just outside of Fort Laramie in eastern Wyoming was one of the largest dumping areas. Many people took too much. Perhaps seeing that others decided to lighten the load facilitated parting with items. (I read that an estimated ton of bacon was dumped. This relates to nothing other than liking bacon.)
2) In the name of capitalism, outfitters oversold supplies (amounts and needed items). (I wonder if this explains some of the surrendered AT items Jacob mentioned.)

[Frita]

Continuing with the wagon train analogy, I continued dumping most of my possessions until I was wandering. Sometimes joining small bands, other times alone.

In real life, I have mostly let go of the change-driven, anti-system desire for careerism. What an effing waste of time! And our teen is a senior so the empty nest thing is coming up.

Spend for three people in 2022 was $20.6k, mostly taxes and expenses that cannot be reduced, plus two college/scouting trips: NYC/DC and Chicago.

[Frita]

After some mention of Swedish death cleaning, Margareta Magnusson‘s new book “The Swedish Art of Aging Exuberantly: Life Wisdom from Someone Who Will (Probably) Die Before You” came up in my library app cue. I appreciated her reflection more as a model of that process rather than some step-by-step prescription. Anyhoo, the question of whether someone would be happy I saved whatever has been a great motivator to cull.

After three progressively smaller downsizing moves, much was decluttered. (Now we are in a 50% larger than before place, it is easier to not be as discerning.) Regardless, I am more focused on not holding onto/tolerating/passing down intergenerational dysfunction. That is the clutter I don’t want to leave for others.

Earlier this month a cousin who was a year old died. Three months earlier she was diagnosed with stage 4 pancreatic cancer. I think that lit a fire in my soul; I can’t just twiddle my thumbs for another decade waiting to death clean.

[Frita]

One thing that I notice in my mental and emotional death cleaning is a peaceful side effect of deeper acceptance.

For example, my drumming meditation group rents a community space. A new group wanted our larger space and requested we trade. (Win-win as the new room is significantly warmer with comparable acoustics and a better “vibe” IMO.) The downside is one must enter through the larger space and this other group didn’t want to be interrupted. So we agreed to start a bit earlier. I observed and noted to myself that this other group had what I perceived to be high conflict people. Could be interesting…

Then this other group decided to stay longer. We worked out every member of our group leaving simultaneously through an alarmed door at a precise time so it could be noted for security. Next the other group changed their start time to earlier, locked our group out of the larger space early, and made excessive noise outside in the hall when using the bathroom. There was this simultaneous shared group consciousness prompted by the banging and cussing in the hall. Laughter. Several people said, “It’s time to find a new space.” Jinx, you owe me a Coke.

So the acceptance: My drum group is green and has to agree to make decision. There are certainly some limitations with that. Voicing my opinion during earlier discussion after the second issue did put me a bit on the outs. I chose to let things ride and unfold on their on timeline. The other group prefers one-sided compromise and operates as they do. No need to spend energy on it or battle. If anything I have historically tolerated irresponsible behavior too long. Now I am learning to move along faster. I learned a lot observing the former me in some of my drum group members.

[Frita]

True fact: I have boxes of detailed journals from age 9 through my late 40s. For whatever reason, I lost interest which never translated to an online version.

Our son graduated from high school this past week. Bittersweet without his twin but fortunately I had a topic for sublimation: sudden elimination of the valedictorian(s). Personally, I think they don’t want politically charged speeches plus coming up short on the competition has been a factor in some suicides in recent years. Long story short, being pissed about something I don’t care about softened the dead kid missing another milestone.

So, our teen has decided to live at home and attend the university here for undergrad. Pros and cons, for sure. He wasn’t a fan of the dorm experience for camps over the years and wants to save his money for other things. We’ve been transitioning to more of a roommate situation with him. Hopefully, we can explore more and leave him in charge. (The vibe has shifted since our undergrad years.)

The remaining parents/in-laws are struggling more in their 80s. They need help. They won’t accept it. Aging ramps up the denial, poor choices and behaviors, and blaming/lashing out. Ugh, at some point our “let things ride” strategy will go away. Note to self regarding becoming elderly: Be aware, listen to concerns, be proactive.

This seems like a highly transitional time. And I am more aware of my mortality as more contemporaries die. Perhaps it’s the empty nest? Not sure why turning 55 seems so

[7Wannabe5]

It is a big transition. I often wonder whether "phase of life" or actual biological age or level-of-development-a-la-Kegan is more relevant. The years of heavy commitment and responsibility and marriage, kids, house. school/community mature you, but they also kind of keep you more ensconced in the Level Blue aspects of our culture. The first rule of writing a romance/adventure novel is "kill the parents." Sometimes that also applies to our own occupation of that role. Maybe instead of fretting about moving right into parental role in relationship to aging parents, you should allow yourself the space in which you can be a bit more irresponsible and wild for a time.

[Frita]

@5W7 Thanks for the reminder to eat the strawberry. There certainly is a sudden explosion freedom now.

[llorona]

This IS an oddly transitional time of life. The identities and roles that we assume, that of being a child or a parent, remained unchanged for decades, to the extent that they seem static. Only one day it becomes clear that we have been ascending an intergenerational escalator all along and that stability was an illusion. With this come an awareness of the younger generation spreading their wings while the older generation enters twilight struggling to hold onto waning independence. Being in the middle offers unique insight into what was and what is to come, and is a very strange place to be.

[Laura Ingalls]

Frita I think I just speed read the whole journal. I am still puzzled why I hadn’t done it sooner. We have so many commonalities.

Same general age, gender, marital status, employment in k-12, aging parents, trailing spouse in relocations.

Some of the same interests (travel, yoga, cooking). I used to cross country ski but when my skis burnt up I didn’t replace them. I got a paddleboard instead and less tolerance to cold along the way.

I think I figured out your location.

We have also had our dealings with grief and loss. We had a catastrophic fire, my dad died, and I stupidly took a job with a massive 145 miles RT commute pretty much all at the exact same time.

Each of those things changed who I am (some for the good and some for the bad). In 2014 I was such a raw gaping wound. I will miss my dad til the day I die and he was the glue of our family. But it feels good to past the churning sea of early mourning. The fire and shitty job situation really cemented the belief that you should never anything that doesn’t love you back exception granted for coffee.

[Frita]

@5W7 There definitely is a blue element to the responsibility of parenting. I see it differently with my parents/in-laws as they are adults who have made (or not made) whatever choices and are responsible for the choices. As for parenting, I have used a gradual release of responsibility model and am unsure what that looks likes for a college-aged kid living at home. It seems our agreements will evolve over time. Not knowing quite what that will look like is unsettling. It looks so different than anything I experienced or observed, which is okay.

Well, the term “productive slacker” comes to mind. When I was younger, being busy (and often intense) was my MO (Some Boomer was mixed into my cusp of Gen X.) Slowly, I am shifting to balancing the doing with being. And sufficient quality sleep has become a priority.

@Llorona
You wrote, “stability was an illusion.” Bam, that’s worth remembering daily. Everything changes. For me, focusing on my teen or the elders is simply a way to distract myself from me. What am I avoiding? This middle-aged insight could turn out to be the most clarifying time of my life. It’s more reimagining than shifting to sync up with a plan.

@LI
Thanks for reading. Laugh, I don’t think I have been very secretive with my location. My journal is has a sporadic buckshot pattern at best. (We do have quite a bit in common, yes.) I like interaction but not attention, if that makes any sense. Having been FI on my own, there wasn’t much to document. Plus I’d rather do stuff (even if I abandon or shift) than talk about it. Not criticizing anyone BTW.

A fire, processing your dad’s death, and a new job with a brutal commute at the same time sounds really challenging. It’s interesting how much we can grow in times like that. I totally agree with eschewing one-sided relationships with people, things, organizations.

Update: Our son decided on a trip instead of a graduation party. Basicly, it was an excuse to shift more funds to a trip of his choosing. We visited Vancouver BC and Seattle. In between we did a week-long small ship cruise through the inland passage and Glacier Bay National Park (the highlight) followed by riding the Cascade Train south. For the most part the weather was warmish with bluebird days and a yellowish pollen haze at times. We saw glaciers and wildlife, did some hiking, and had a memorable time together. I realize that our son will be having more of his own adventures without us, and we’ll be reconnecting as a couple with our own activities. I appreciate the timing of this uncharacteristic trip for us.

My deathcleaning is humming along. When we moved our place came with a freezer larger than we need. During COVID, I suddenly seemed to be gathering and rotating through more food than necessary. I have been organizing and using up contents so we can have a fresh start. Optimally, I would prefer to sell this one and buy a small one. Right sizing is a good big idea to rgeneralize to many areas of my life.

My goal on our trip was no food allergies. Success! But I did learn that I have a severe pine pollen allergy (yellow hazy skies). It inflamed my lungs so I am on light duty right now. Being less active is a chance to do some more inside things and be more active on the forum. I am looking forward to breathing better (more restful sleep, hiking/biking/walking) and not taking meds (side-effects).

Oh, I am 55 years old now. For whatever reason, I consider it a milestone. For me, 55 to 50 compares to 10 to 15. I am the same person but significantly different.

In May I considered a part-time seasonal job at an antique shop. After getting to know the owner a bit more, I decided to pass. My peace is a priority.

My conclusion is that I prefer to volunteer for sporadic events and projects rather than deal with internal politics and drama for free. One day commitments are easier and allow me to sidestep some of the locals’ interpersonal dynamics. I enjoy working on trails, environmental cleanup, and brewfests (pouring but only the earliest shift).

Trying new things: For the first time in my life, I used Kleenex (two and a half boxes!) since I was allergy-stricken and traveling. Growing up we had a box in each restroom reserved for guests only. I never developed the custom. It’s quite handy but nothing I plan to adopt.

[ertyu]

For me, 55 to 50 compares to 10 to 15. I am the same person but significantly different.

How so? This is interesting

[Frita]

Well, looking back, the transition from 10 to 15 involved an increasing amount of role-based freedom and exploration ending in self-identity-based freedom and more focus of areas of interest. 10 to 15 was when the most differentiation from my family-of-origen occurred. 50 to 55 has been about becoming my own priority again rather than the blue aspect of being responsible to my created family (@5W7’s observation).

Random examples:
• When I was 10, I started working outside of the home babysitting and could spend money on small things I wanted (though I’ve always been a saver) and was in charge. By the following summer, I was able to babysit full-time in the summers. Once I was 14, I had a real job working at a motel part-time during the school year and full-time in the summer. I could take care of more of my own expenses. Over the past five years, I have gone from begrudgingly working part-time (wanting to still work in my profession but not needing to) to accepting that I no longer work for money.
• When I was 10, many/most of my activities—tumbling, art, baton and dance, piano, 4-H, horseback riding, gardening, time outdoors, biking—were chosen by my family. As I got older, I tried more and started to decide what I preferred to do. Not having friends based on who my kid plays with or working (my own or my spouse’s) is a positive development. Less obligation, less drama, more authentic choice versus toleration.
• When I was 10, my values were more what my family told me they were. I begin to think more for myself and choose my own beliefs, some of which was based on group-identity. The socio-political climate in the US these past 5 years certainly has taught me that I fit nowhere neatly and more of a free thinker.
• When I was 10, I pretty much lived in the moment. When I was 15, I wanted to have fun and set myself up for the future I wanted. I knew that it wouldn’t last forever. At 50, the end seemed too far away to imagine. Now at 55, I realize that my time is limited as I may become a caretaker again and/or become less independent myself.

Cocoon, transform, re-emerge. While there is certainly more to come, it is like saying goodbye to being a child and embracing those mid- to late-adolescent years. As a 55 year old, I sense that kind of a shift. I am unencumbered by childrearing, work, and what little going-along-to get along I may have had left. This period of time isn’t one I expect to remain stuck in as there are unknown possibilities to discover.

[ertyu]

Thanks for elaborating. Sounds like an awesome place to be - wish you luck figuring out what lays ahead

[Frita]

An update about not much:

Emerging adult: Our son has started college a month ago while living at home, as close to campus as living in the dorms. The transition to roommate has gone smoothly so far over the past month. If anything, we have reminded him that he doesn’t have to update us on his whereabouts and ETA. He has a part-time job on campus in IT and an active social life. He seems comfortable bringing new friends over. We decided to have him chip in a nominal $45/month toward room and board to underscore the choice of living at home.

Deathcleaning: This has shifted to outdoor cleanup as the growing season is coming to an end. It’s getting colder and raining…the first snow is near. I have donated various bags of unused items, walking there and back (my version of rucking).

Parents: Same stuff, I am getting better mental boundaries.

Trip: My spouse and I are headed to Mexico in a couple weeks. We will be bouncing around a bit over a month to look at 1) if any place would be a longer term fit and 2) trying a handful of different studio configurations. A smaller place (300 to 500 square feet) is definitely on our wishlist. We’ll be in Mérida for Hanal Pixan, the Mayan Day of the Dead. Yay, looking forward to comparing to Mexico City and elsewhere.

Transition: This seemed to resolve on its own. I feel calm and content most of the time. We don’t want to live here after our son graduates (not the location, more the political climate, people I click with move in and leave ASAP) but don’t know where we actually want to be.

Unnecessary purchase: Ugh, we did get a new TV as my spouse like sports and our son watches movies. My spouse said he couldn’t hear the old one from 2006 which is BS. It makes me motionsick to look at the screen. If anything, I am less interested in watching than before.

Life: I seem to have my rough routine and am occupied living life. My spouse and I are transitioning back into couplehood. It’s all probably pretty dull.