Frita’s journal

[Scott 2]

Two views:

1. It sounds like they have a real need for your help and expertise. If you are willing to bear the burden, you could have a substantial impact.

2. Nothing you've written describes the experience as personally rewarding. Based on that, I'd vote for walking away.

I also initially present like a bit of a marshmallow

Funny, in the early days of your journal, I was thinking "this one needs help...". As time passes, that's changed to "Frita knows what she's doing, I'm going to pay attention..."

[classical_Liberal]

Can you still treat it as a hobby you'd enjoy? If not, walk.

[Frita]

Thank you, all, for your support and insight.
I truly appreciate it.

Friday I quit. It did not come as a surprise. This is something that has happened before. Multiple times. My predecesor stayed for two years. I think that lulled people into the sense that the situation was better than it is.

Then a stakeholder who I really click with came in and begged me to stay. Tears don’t affect me but she gave it a go. But then she said that she knows we have a vision for the place and actually have the background to improve the situation. True and that is part of why cutting my losses seems smart. Then she said that I find meaning in serving others and would regret just sitting at home bored. Well, damn, that’s true.

Clarification, I actually really like the people we serve and feel it’s meaningful. If I didn’t care, I could walk away. For example, this gal escaped Russian during WWII with her remaining family, spent the war years in Germany before making it to the US, and worked as a hospital administrator before retiring a couple decades ago. Did I mention that I really like her?

Anyway, I said I’d think about it as I frantically worked in a methodical way. A few hours later she came back with her spouse who is the Board’s VP. I decided to give it another two weeks. Hugs all around. Despite this flakiness on my part, people seemed really relieved.

If I am going to stay and the place is going to turn around, there are going to need some major shifts. There are few formalized procedures, low standards, an it’s-always-been-this-way faction, and a resistance to systemic thinking. That explains the chaos. The nonprofit was not adequately funded from the start. They haven’t wanted to increase costs for clients, fundraise, or consider how to manage the budget better.

And yes, there has been a history of director churn. The position is not adequately compensated for the duties and responsibility. So...it attracts the wrong people who ignore and/or contribute to the dysfunction in exchange for money. (Same deal with staff and vendors.) Money sure complicates things. This feels more like a paid volunteer position than a paid internship or a professional position. I am going to have to work on better boundaries myself.

Two views:
Funny, in the early days of your journal, I was thinking "this one needs help...". As time passes, that's changed to "Frita knows what she's doing, I'm going to pay attention..."

Thanks? Like most people, I have some things figured out and am clueless in other areas (Think Jahari’s Window: https://www.successfulculture.com/build ... ri-window/) My journal is an attempt to figure out where I struggle.

When I started, I was more strongly identified with my role as an educator and in a work profession. My end vision was to figure out how to quit working and enjoy it. This summer I have realized that is not the goal at all. As @Jackrigger wrote in @c_L’s journal, “ Trying to balance two unsatisfactory extremes is... Unsatisfactory.” For me, a meaningful life includes contributing to something bigger than myself beyond my family.

My biggest life mission is raising our twins. Our favorite local resale shop opened up this past week. While our teen is going through a multi-year period of sensitivity wearing used items, he picked up some brand new Nikes for $5 each. Then he went back and found some other school clothes items. He Googled the retail, realizing he paid pennies on the dollar. This has opened him up to the possibilities of saving early and often. He has been reading Dave Ramsey’s stuff for teens (I am not a fan but get that he has to start somewhere.). He’s talking about the value of not going into debt and what he observes with his friends/peers and their families. My spouse has been teaching him to drive, but he seems to prefer his fixie.

3 things for which I am grateful:
1. Ducttape: My $3 garage sale Mary Jane Crocs have a hole in the sole. Darn, they are broken in and single wealth (LOL reference up thread)! I can slap some ducttape on and walk a good 10 miles. I am curious when I’ll have matching holes. (Note that I have done this with other footwear. I am not bragging. It’s probably a bit odd anywhere but with our crowd.)
2. Bali cherries: The fruit is coming on around town. Sadly, our tree didn’t make it. I still like looking at them. Unlike apples, there are never any to forage.
3. The Blue Goose: This is my 50 year old beater bike and my favorite ride. I don’t worry about it being stolen but lock it anyway and garage it at night. Decades ago my 1950s Hiawatha had the U-lock cut. That was a sweet ride.

[Scott 2]

I fee like more clarification is warranted. I had misread your compassion in working with the students as weakness, probably projecting from my own selfish perspective. I have poor empathy and am not a helper by nature. I see now you have a broader perspective, much different than where I come from. There is wisdom in it, worth learning from.

[Alphaville]

the narrative is super interesting to me. it’s a classic tale of struggle against chaos: in that sense, mythical.

and it’s great to see you making progress in this front, as an agent of change, against big obstacles.

the only thing that worries the hell out of me there is hugs in the age of covid

[Frita]

@Scott 2
Sometimes one’s greatest weakness is her biggest strength. I may be f-ed up but am tough as hell. Ugh, I do really care about people, society, the bigger picture. It is not something I would recommend, the price is high, just the way I am wired. In high school other kids were doing community service to fulfill legal obligations or look good on college applications; I actually liked tutoring immigrants and delivering Meals on Wheels on my lunch break. My spouse is more like you. We balance each other out?

@Alphaville
Or I am one the biggest, idealistic saps around. It’s kind of like walking around the Palacio Nacional in Mexico City, reading Marxist quotes and seeing the Diego Rivera artwork. Chills from the bigger than self experience...despite knowing the drawbacks and reality.

Masks and hand sanitizer and compulsive hand washing, my friend, and working with a fearless population. Myself, I am not scared anymore of anything, especially sickness or death. Sad? Yes. Idealistist? Grrr, affirmative. Concerned about mankind on our Earth? More every day.

Three grateful things:
1. My spouse is finally getting more honest rather than hiding things from me. Our friend and neighbor wanted to buy our van. He blew her off, selling it from under her, but actually came clean to tonight.I wondered why she seemed to be avoiding us. Grrr, we need to mend the divide.
2. Ciabatta rolls: We made sandwiches with grilled chicken breast, bacon, Italian cheese, spinach, and Caesar dressing. Yum, it was delicious with the Black Diamond watermelon (very thin rind, seedless).
3. Today was just a beautiful day for being outside. While walking, some “touronss” asked for a restaurant recommendation. A handful came to mind so we shared. The place where our teen works, of course, with the peanut butter and jelly wing sauce on the wings. Heaven! And I added that the place actually treats people well. “That is where we want to go,” replied the woman. We walked by a bit later on our way home. Their van was parked outside. “Karma,” tthe world seems a bit more okay.

[Frita]

The environment of my job is still stressful three days into my two week extension. Despite being a part-time gig with no benefits. Damn, it’s every bit as stressful as a full-time education job at double the pay rate with full benefits. I have been quite forceful in regards to many non-negociable things with employees, clients, and the Board while still learning the day-to-day. We’ll see what the Board can come up with duty- pay-, and/or benefit-wise to keep me on to do a larger job than I agreed to.

Three grateful things:
1. Sweet corn: A batch of sweet corn tamales with chicken in a tomatillo sauce is steaming right now.
2. One of my favorite podcasts, “Locked Up Abroad,” is putting out new episodes again. Yea!
3. I got my first paycheck today which went straight into the bank and transferred to a Roth IRA.

[Alphaville]

The environment of my job is still stressful three days into my two week extension.

sure—you’ve got a tough job! fighting chaos is always a big thing.

Despite being a part-time gig with no benefits. Damn, it’s every bit as stressful as a full-time education job at double the pay rate with full benefits. I have been quite forceful in regards to many non-negociable things with employees, clients, and the Board while still learning the day-to-day. We’ll see what the Board can come up with duty- pay-, and/or benefit-wise to keep me on to do a larger job than I agreed to.

this is interesting to me because i see two different moralities in conflict.

moralistic people always make it like it’s simple to “just do the right thing” but the truth is that we are always dealing with multiple moralities that some times align and some times are in conflict. e,g, see: antigone, obeying creon or obeying the gods?

i understand and accept this essential complexity in my life but i see a lot of people who don’t. especially those with black/white puritan streaks. i’m more... jesuitic? hahahaha.

so here on the one hand you’re working for a cause you believe, with some people you value, for ideals not for money. you are, in a way, a donor, or a volunteer with a stipend.

on the other hand you’re a capitalist in a capitalist world: your labor must be valued according to what you bring to the table, and you won’t let yourself be an exploited.

and let me propose a third one: you’re a “renaissance person,” looking to develop social and entrepreneurial skills (because as the director you’re the chosen entrepreneur).

idealist, capitalist salarywoman, renaissance businesswoman. add ice, dash of bitters, shake vigorously, pour.

all these things clashing together makes for an interesting life. i’d say get used to the conflict.

there is an opportunity here for a moral web of goals. not in the moralistic sense, but in the sense of values pursued. some are compatible, but some are conflicting and pull you apart. is there a sweet spot where they can all meet? is there a value you’re willing to sacrifice? is there a rank? what are the limits?

please note, there are more than 3 vslue systems at play here. there are other things in play. how many? i’m not you and i have no idea. but i think the work of inner conflict resolution is always worth pursuing. it’s probably the most fun.

[Alphaville]

also i’m in the middle of reading “thinking, fast and slow” and i think the sooner you can resolve your moral conflicts about this place the sooner you can fully engage your mind in the work of actually taking it forward rather than towing it out of the mud.

sure, the more routine you can establish, the more you can create. of course creating the routines in the first place is creative work, so... yeah.

but i mean internal routines too... your value judgments need a quick sorting box to reduce what might be the tremendous friction that generates the stress in the first place. if each difficulty goes through a “i love to help/but i’m not getting enough money for this/but i dont need the money and im learning” process, your head will explode.

eta: i think setting limits/triggerwires might help this.

for trigger wires, see: heath bro’s “decisive,” and this can feed into system1/system2 (kahneman’s) to transport from routine to active cognition mode.

[Alphaville]

for some reason my brain keeps chewing on this problem like a dog with a bone, and i realize there is a level of complexity i hadn’t accounted for.

namely, that if you’re to some day leave this nonprofit in good shape, it can’t be forever dependent on your personal renaissance requirements (which may be less financially demanding than average) but eventually should be able to support a competent salaryperson at the helm—if a salaryperson would indeed be the ideal contributor to the mission.

this of course might not be possible at the start of your tenure, but should be possible at the end of it.

i hope i made sense with this comment?

i find that nonprofits are complex beasts... not just the too many chefs that jacob mentioned, but also the cause-orientation vs. the logic of professionalization/funding-seeking as criticized in “the revolution will not be funded,” which is another form of clashing value systems.

maybe it’s good that they can’t pay salaryperson?

hahaha i love complex problems in a complex world. i apologize if i’m intruding now. it’s just that i’ve been working with nonprofits for a very long time. just talked to 2 of them today. eta: actually, no: 3!

[Frita]

if you’re to some day leave this nonprofit in good shape, it can’t be forever dependent on your personal renaissance requirements (which may be less financially demanding than average) but eventually should be able to support a competent salaryperson at the helm—if a salaryperson would indeed be the ideal contributor to the mission.

this of course might not be possible at the start of your tenure, but should be possible at the end of it.

Thanks, @ Alphaville, not paying anywhere near the low end of salaryman wages/benefits is one reason why this place is such a mess. It has been filled with people lacking the skills to do it well, setting a boundary of doing the minimum for the money until they leave, or leaving because of what they discover. Also, the duties are set up so it is impossible to take any time off. Since there are no benefits/paid time off, one has to somehow makeup work in less time.

The Board is entirely comprised of clients, some of whom do not currently have the skills to serve well (The Board President is in this category.). This also is a huge conflict of interest. My comments refer to the group as a whole who defer to the President and Treasurer. They make poor decisions, like not raising fees for eight years when they can barely cover expenses and taking out a loan for something they don’t need. They make knee jerk decisions without considering options, analyzing potential outcomes, and pretend that the problem has been solved. They think that staff duties can be expanded and people will somehow be able to do more. They micromanage and meddle behind my back (like contacting venders who they piss off). They want constant updates, which wastes my time, even if to set a boundary that I do not have time to continue to do that and my other duties. There are daily issues of breaking confidentiality and gossiping about staff/clients. I call them out, explaining how damaging it is to the culture, and it still happens.

Three grateful things:
1. My flight or fight system is stuck on fight mode. I am struggling to burn off all the adrenaline. I am grateful that I just have temporary anxiety.
2. Warm days with temperatures in the low 80s...there could be snow in less than a month.
3. Homemade granola, yum!

[Alphaville]

thanks for the updates, they remain as interesting as ever. and sticking to greek myths— from antigone to the labors of hercules! https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lernaean_Hydra

[Frita]

@Alphaville

Friday was another whirlwind wrapped around being yelled at by an unstable employee then an hour later being berated by a client. He was coming in to put me in my place and let me know he was taking the employee’s side. Then I got to listen to them talking outside of my office about me and politicking to others in the hall for the next couple hours.

As I learned on my second day, another employee has been experiencing this too. They gave her one day of paid time off and an apology letter. The offending parties were told to stop. They have not. The Board, despite all the micromanaging and my direct feedback, pretends like the problem is solved.

The Board had an unofficial special meeting about this hothead that I got to stay late to attend. He comes in late (10-90 minutes) daily, does not complete assigned work, and lies on his time card about working on days he never came in at all. He shares way too much personal information. He likes to hang out. A lot. In just 17 days there, he has threatened to quit several times. He also repeatedly says that he loves his job and the people there are his family. There is a ten year history of said behaviors which has gone unaddressed in that it still happens, though the Board wants it to change. Last year they gave him a $6.25/hour raise. Confusing. It seems he could use some mood stabilizers. They decided the Board President will talk to him Monday as I am stressing him out. She talked to the client and reported he’s okay now. It appears that they consider treating Frita like this acceptable. I do not. That was it for me. No more chances. I have sufficient data that this is not a good fit for me.

Oh, and Friday I discovered we have another large expense looming. We barely make payroll and already have a loan.

One week into my two week extension: These people and organization are beyond help. This is not a hobby job, but a wageslave job for a masochist with low esteem and poor memory. I still feel really shaky and anxious. (I have worked intense educational jobs—corrections, emotionally disturbed programs with padded rooms/restraints, inner city— without a fraction of this amount of distress. There were policies and procedures that were followed to differing degrees.) Monday I am turning in my key and timesheet first thing. Then I will leave. I will request that they mail me my check. If I get it, I realize it may bounce.

3 grateful things:
1. Persistence is my super power and Achilles’ heel. This situation seems to be a wake up call to rethink and unlearn this habit.
2. We had a fun Saturday afternoon talking with friends outside yesterday.
3. Our son is wanting to move down to the basement. This summer he has gained a tremendous amount of independence from his job and learning to drive.

[Alphaville]

@Alphaville

congrats on your learning experience!

make sure to shred all shreddables

[7Wannabe5]

Maybe it’s just me, but it seems like this sort of job that is impossible to perform is a bit of a new thing under the sun. Maybe it has something to do with approaching peak marginal efficiency in human as well as physical resource use. IOW, it’s impossible for you to help those clients for the same underlying reason that it was impossible for Alphaville (or any small farmer since the 40s) to make a profit from any land not yet incorporated.

[Alphaville]

Maybe it’s just me, but it seems like this sort of job that is impossible to perform is a bit of a new thing under the sun. Maybe it has something to do with approaching peak marginal efficiency in human as well as physical resource use. IOW, it’s impossible for you to help those clients for the same underlying reason that it was impossible for Alphaville (or any small farmer since the 40s) to make a profit from any land not yet incorporated.

there have always been impossibilities, either set up by the market or by structures of oppression.

for the oppression bit, e.g. see mexican peasant indentured labor being passed on from one generation to the next before the revolution through the accummulation of debt at the plantation store.

as for markets etc, farms had left my region decades before i attempted anything. was it climate change? was it economics? no idea but the bean fields of western new mexico turned to dust long ago—literally: you can spot the dust in a storm and there are traffic signs warning of low visibility conditions. pinto bean grows mostly in colorado now for n reasons.

this is just to say i like to learn the hard way rather than follow the herd (and so i pay)

oh, but as for @Frita’s employer, i think her forensic x-ray shows it’s been doomed from the start due to insufficient funding. hence the utter shitshow due to low-quality workforce.

[classical_Liberal]

Maybe it’s just me, but it seems like this sort of job that is impossible to perform is a bit of a new thing under the sun. Maybe it has something to do with approaching peak marginal efficiency in human as well as physical resource use.

I'm not sure why this is happening. I've had quite a varied amount of work-for-other experiences, and I've found it difficult to correlate where this seems more prevalent. I've worked both public and private and they seem to be crap shoots. Low paying, semi-skilled jobs that are impossible and higher paying skilled jobs that are better (and vice versa). The closest correlation I've been able to make is size of organization and reasonableness of job. The smaller the better, but I get the impression @fritas current gig is small-time. So, her situation doesn't hold up.

The whole thing makes me want to seek out self employment and find small market niches that just aren't being fulfilled by companies due to their tiny size. Like find something that's not really scalable and takes 100 hours with the potential of 3K a year in profitability that's mostly ignored. A few of these would be great. I'm just not very good at thinking in this fashion. So the search for a reasonable job with flexibility continues.

[Frita]

Maybe it’s just me, but it seems like this sort of job that is impossible to perform is a bit of a new thing under the sun. Maybe it has something to do with approaching peak marginal efficiency in human as well as physical resource use. IOW, it’s impossible for you to help those clients for the same underlying reason that it was impossible for Alphaville (or any small farmer since the 40s) to make a profit from any land not yet incorporated.

Interesting to think about, my understanding is that many nonprofits and small businesses fail. Perhaps the rate is increasing?

there have always been impossibilities, either set up by the market or by structures of oppression.

oh, but as for @Frita’s employer, i think her forensic x-ray shows it’s been doomed from the start due to insufficient funding. hence the utter shitshow due to low-quality workforce.

Truth on both statements. Cheapness may have limped the place along for the past 20+ years; however, the trajectory is downward. The place also has an underlying sense of desperation, resignation, and magic thinking.

The closest correlation I've been able to make is size of organization and reasonableness of job. The smaller the better, but I get the impression @fritas current gig is small-time. So, her situation doesn't hold up.

The whole thing makes me want to seek out self employment and find small market niches that just aren't being fulfilled by companies due to their tiny size. Like find something that's not really scalable and takes 100 hours with the potential of 3K a year in profitability that's mostly ignored. A few of these would be great. I'm just not very good at thinking in this fashion. So the search for a reasonable job with flexibility continues.

https://www.councilofnonprofits.org/myt ... nonprofits Scroll down to the pie chart of nonprofits by size. We’re actually not that small with an operating budget north of 300k with an owned structure/land. This position is a combination of what used to be two jobs but now half the hours. That explains the churn. My predecesor had one of the shared positions which morphed into one combined position six months ago. I found that out Thursday. Originally, she said she had this one position for two years. The more I find out, the worse it is. The blatant lying is the worst. My questions were pretty good and my instinct once hitting the ground of something not being right was spot on.

Personally, I have found small organizations to be more extreme (i.e., great or awful). Larger organizations seem to be more in the middle.

Hey, a bunch of small businesses could be a good semi-ERE solution. Like you, I am not wired to be an entrepreneur. But if you investigate, I’ll read along. @7W5 has a knack for this.

My big selling experience was Girl Scout cookies. I actively told people there was no need to buy them as I wheeled a Radio Flier wagon full of the minimum number of boxes I had to sell. Once an obese lady who said she was on a diet asked if she should buy three boxes. I told her to not even buy a box, thanked her, and went to the next house. How could I ethically sell to her? So I got all my badges that first year and quit. Problem solved. Quitting was easy because there was nothing else to accomplish.

[Frita]

This morning I went in an hour early so that I could quit in peace. I read the previous week’s Special Board minutes detailing how the plan was to string me along with the same terms, being that I had the skillset they needed but there was no money, and have me write policies and procedures while doing the work of two. They were complementary of my work ethic and social interactions with others. I guess it was all about them with no regard for me. What the hell?!

Well, I simply said that last Friday’s events highlighted that this position was not a good fit, that I was sad it didn’t work out, and that it was time to move on. I jotted down a page of notes of upcoming things for the week, filled out my time card and requested my final paycheck be mailed to me, left my key, and sent a text that I’d left some important things in the office. Later I got a text back saying that it was disappointing that I “gave up.” I responded that my quitting was more of a boundary of no longer tolerating unacceptable behavior than giving up. Grrr...

Some stuff I have learned:
1. My instinct is good. I just ignore it.
2. Beware of the cheap employer. You are about to be used.
3. People/organizations who start out lying will most likely continue.
4. I still feel guilty for quitting, for not trying harder, for getting into such a situation again. Knowing when to be done is about taking care of myself. It is a good skill to model for our teen. Much of what I do is what not to do. I own that.
5. I am understanding that ERE is about living my life on my own terms, which especially includes being done with dysfunctional systems despite caring about the mission. Perhaps I will do another paid job in education/nonprofits at some point, but my days of looking are over. This step has taken me 20 years to reach.
6. Quitting is about having space available for some serendipity. I used to think that I needed something to move on to. That is a trap. I have no idea what I’m doing. It’s okay. This morning I got an invite for a nonprofit board, government lobbying volunteer gig. Worthwhile but PITA players during a decade-long mess in the state, no thanks. More BS averted.

3 gratitudes:
1. Chilling in a hammock under our massive cedar tree
2. The crisp morning air as we transition into our fall which starts earlier than the calendar fall solstice
3. Leaving a stressful, doomed work situation behind and finding some freedom I didn’t fully realize I have

[Alphaville]

Later I got a text back saying that it was disappointing that I “gave up.” I responded that my quitting was more of a boundary of no longer tolerating unacceptable behavior than giving up. Grrr...

great response to something that reads to me like mild sociopathic manipulation

if this is the person who also lied to you then it adds up