Frita’s journal

[Alphaville]

@ertyu: wow. i had no idea. you’re in the balkans, yes? no war though?

and yeah, it’s fight or flight, triggered at the amygdala. can go either way.

in @Frita’s case, i’d be piiiiiisssssed! and make the bastards pay.

seriously—as the new boss, i’d lay down the law with a hammer. don’t like it? fire me and pay me severance

i have a bit of a personal history as a rebel/reformer. i enjoy that sort stuff: fixing broken shit, fighting injustices, pounding on the table lmao. to poorly paraphrase the tv version of a neil gaiman novel: “angry is good. angry gets shit done.”

eta: i shoud clarify, angry not raging. over the years i’ve learned the value of listening and diplomacy, and i try to operate from an “enlightened” rather than an angry place. and picking one’s battles to avoid burnout. but a little fire... can go a long way.

[Frita]

curious: why anxiety instead of anger??

Anxiety is a middle way to try to come up with a workable solution. Anger would prompt me to have some boundaries and to say, “This is not what I signed up for. I quit.” This is similar to what @ertyu said.

[Alphaville]

Anxiety is a middle way to try to come up with a workable solution.

anxiety as an emotion is low grade chronic fear though. i guess what i’m asking is—what is the fear? or where is it?

Anger would prompt me to have some boundaries and to say, “This is not what I signed up for. I quit.”

i don’t always act out my anger, but i always listen to it, because it tells me that boundaries have been fucked with, either in a real or perceived way (so the cool part of my head seeks to verify which one is it, before acting).

healthy anger can create/restore boundaries.

and walking away is obviously one way to create a boundary: a big one.

but if you’re staying—can you still create boundaries with these fuckers? or will they insist on perpetuating chaos? i think this is maybe the real question...

[ertyu]

@Alphaville: nah, no war. could've been worse. I had a Serbian classmate in the states whose mom just packed her and her sister on a plane to seek asylum in the states at the ages of 10 and 12 respectively. They ended up in the system, sometimes separated. My friend lived with schizophrenic foster parents, with foster parents who tried to molest her. I had nowhere near the amount of fun times she did. I was mostly happy as a teenager, because me and my friends were all poor. We went to shoplift t-shirts at the second hand clothes store 'cause we had no money, and it was a grand adventure. It was years later I realized my mom probably knew there was no way I could;ve bought that out of my non-existent allowance and said nothing, and that the employees at the store were probably perfectly aware of what we did but let us get away with it because we were poor and kids. But this, plus a bunch of food insecurity that stressed my father out, is as bad as it got. Still, though, there's a mentality that seeps into the dailiness of life -- there's no money, and things are as they are. WIth time, you gradually stop thinking things like, "wouldn't it be nice if-" when the "if" is always impossible because there is no money. I remember how mindblown I was when, at the end of my first year at a boarding school I'd won a scholarship to, our "house parents" asked us for ideas of what we wanted in the common room of the dorm the following year, and how to make it nicer. Was literally a brain-shattering moment, like, "oh wow so that is something one can do? think about how one's circumstances can be different?" never before occurred to me that my situation isn't simply what it is, and for that lesson to generalize.

um. sorry frita

I get the shying away from anger because it's an emotion that propels one to action and to confronting one's circumstances. Anger might prompt one to be aggressive, and others might respond by being aggressive back, or by "putting one in one's place" - neither a nice experience. also, might mean one has to confront change. further, if you're angry and assert boundaries in one area of life, what would it mean for that other area over there? a vertiable pandora's box. I also default to anxiety over anger.

Apologies for derailing this journal to myself. This has proven very useful. You hear all the time that depression is anger directed inwards, but I never drew the connection between anxiety and existential terror, of which I have plenty, and anger -- namely, anger I might be suppressing and misdirecting.

[Alphaville]

@ertyu - wow man. your poor classmate!

and i’m glad that you can make sense of things through these reflections.

as for fear of anger: i understand it, but it’s not necessary, because action does not have to degenerate into unfocused aggression. unfocused aggression is the trap.

this is why it’s important to listen to the anger and understand what it’s about: then the action can be directed at the building/rebuilding of boundaries, rather than give way to rage/irrationality.

healthy boundary creation does not necessarily have to trigger anger in the other person (unless they’re toxic people).

[classical_Liberal]

@frita
That sucks about the job. I know some people kind-of cry as a release/coping mechanism, so it doesn't take much to illicit that response. So if you're that type of person, it's one thing... But, damn, there's no way I'd let a hobby job drive me to tears regularly.

I suggested the three month period up thread because I think all new jobs have a period of anxiety, but they tend to get better as the learning curve kicks in. I realize you live in a small town and don't want to burn bridges, I also realize you are one to take your commitments seriously and give anything you try 100%. Still, if I was outright lied to about a job, it's driving me to tears, I wouldn't give it nearly that long. Please don't get yourself stuck in another bad employment situation.

[Frita]

My best ideas so far include, paradoxically, focusing not on the job but on having my money invested in a way that makes me feel comparatively safe.

I can understand this, especially from what you explained down thread about your situation growing up. Poverty, especially of a non-First World nature, is traumatic so those sufficient investments can make one feel safe.

Perhaps I am an anomaly but money doesn’t give me that sense of safety anymore. It certainly offers some options.

Apologies for derailing this journal to myself. This has proven very useful.

Please don’t think you hijacked my journal. I love the back and forth as I like dialoguing, rather than alternating monologues. I also appreciate that you can open up and am glad that it helps you as well.

In my experience, anxiety arises when I feel powerless in front of the isssue while anger arises where there is a realistic chance one has the power to effect the situation and one's circumstances.

Good observation, this is what I notice too.

@c_L
The question is more how long to give it. Today the Board president and Secretary came in and burned 75 minutes with their ideas of extra things for me to begin doing, above what was previously done to include developing SOPs (Note that they did the same last week.). I told them that I was piecing together the puzzle pieces and wanted to have a better understanding of the position. They continued. I told them I was feeling overwhelmed. They continued. They were even saying they thought that hourly staff (myself included) should be working unpaid time, comparing it to their higher paid salaries work with benefits. I told her as much. Shit, I won’t be able to take days off until I quit. I get that employers can treat people like slaves around here, but I am doing this as a hobby. Anyway, after they finished up, I realized that the question is more when and how I will quit. I don’t know enough to train someone. The former director is moving to Texas Wednesday and knows the position well enough to do herself, not to train either (Today she sent me three emails with other things to do and a rambling phone call.). That (and writing SOPs in my spare time) doesn’t seem to be a reason to grind it out longer. My gut said to resign after my first day. I have now worked eight days. How long would you give it?

People are still making comments about me probably wanting to quit. Next time I am going to probe what that means. I wonder if they have had others be hired and quit quickly.

Hm, I tend to cry when I am beyond frustrated, feeling trapped and helpless. It is not so much a release as a sign that things are going south.

[ertyu]

i would conduct the following experiment: disregard what you have been told verbally in meetings. is anyone even following up with you about these things? i would wager they are not. so... disregard until someone asks after a particular change you were supposed to have implemented. i would also disregard the emails from the previous person. they don't work there anymore. yes it sucks that these people waste so much of your time, but what if you solved the problem of how this organization could work fuctionally? just for yourself, for fun. you're treating your bosses as if they have authority over you when they don't. what would happen if you just did what you thought was right and nodded your head yes of course at all other times?

of course, you can decide that this is ultimately not worth the hassle and quit. but you could also experiment with how far the system would bend. i mean, what's the worst they can do, fire you?

do make sure that there's no fraud going on in the organization they can pin on you, though, now that i think about it.

[Alphaville]

Today the Board president and Secretary came in and burned 75 minutes with their ideas of extra things for me to begin doing, above what was previously done to include developing SOPs (Note that they did the same last week.). I told them that I was piecing together the puzzle pieces and wanted to have a better understanding of the position. They continued. I told them I was feeling overwhelmed. They continued. They were even saying they thought that hourly staff (myself included) should be working unpaid time, comparing it to their higher paid salaries work with benefits. I told her as much.

per your contract—what is your relationship with these people? aren’t you the director?

do you have to do what they tell you, or sit there with them in unscheduled meetings?

these people remind me of asshole clients from my freelancing days. they want more and more and more, and they want it yesterday, and are always trying to squeeze more work for no omey and and butting into the work thinking they’re experts and then when you send them a bill.

i only see strife ahead now. at least from what you’re presenting.

@ertyu is cleverer than me though. i think his proposed strategy is great. genius really.

[Frita]

@ertyu
Interesting, it is totally not my style so perhaps it’s just the thing to try. Framed as an experiment, I can go off-character.

@Alphaville
There is just some generic verbiage about working closely with the Board. Both of these ladies have too much time on their hands with no idea how much the role already entails. I know my predecessor was not thrilled with the impromptu time suck last week and told me that it would soon be my problem.

[Alphaville]

There is just some generic verbiage about working closely with the Board. Both of these ladies have too much time on their hands with no idea how much the role already entails. I know my predecessor was not thrilled with the impromptu time suck last week and told me that it would soon be my problem.

as a pure exercise in social/executive boundaries and nothing else, i’d suggest scheduling meetings with the board and refusing any and all unannounced visits on a number of multiple grounds too long to mention.

this is just SOP in most places. drop the hammer, friend. drop the hammer. you’re well within your rights to do so, and it’s a good opportunity for learning, if nothing else.

and yes to the yes with @ertyu’s ...

hey, have you ever watched “yes, minister”? old british tv show. comedy classic! and instruction manual if you let it. brilliant stuff hahahahaa. please check it ASAP. some of it is on very bad quality on youtube, still so worth it.

[jacob]

Too many chefs in the kitchen ... seems to be a general problem with non-profits?

[Alphaville]

yes minister series 1 episode 1

https://www.dailymotion.com/video/x5v4rh9

[Frita]

Too many chefs in the kitchen ... seems to be a general problem with non-profits?

I am seeing that.

@Alphaville
Check, another one of these meetings would establish a pattern. No, thanks.

On a bittersweet note, we sold our van yesterday to a 20-something musician who is going to tour and live in it. Now that our teen is adult-sized, it was rather tight. We are more travelers than camp-in-placers and who knows how long COVID will have us placebound. Of course, we can still camp. For similar reasons we sold our six-person tent and kept a couple two-person tents. Why the teen didn’t use a tent when vamping is beyond me!

[ThriftyRob]

Have been following your challenges and I empathise with your frustrations.

The key issue here is managing the relationship with the board members. I'll say more on that shortly. First, it's worth acknowledging that you don't need this gig, and that knowing what you know now, you wouldn't have accepted it. That means that when you weigh up the 'pros' and 'cons' there's not much at stake if you choose to walk (for you) but it would be a major issue for the board. Given that you don't need to be so invested in this job, it's an excellent learning opportunity for you to practise and build the habit of mindfulness and detachment in a stressful environment. If you try something new, you'll at least benefit from the learning and developing new skills.

So to the board members. A great opportunity for you to practise your assertiveness by reflecting back to them what you have experienced. I'd literally 'hold the mirror up' to them and tell them 'this is what you did/said, this is how I feel, and this is what I need from you...' I suggest you seek agreement on a shared vision and mission for you in your role, some key deliverables that are time-bound and a mechanism for monitoring/review which gives you the space to get on with doing your job without serial interruptions and being micro-managed. All reviews/revisions of goals, discussion of progress should be in those review sessions and they must concede that you have space (and freedom from interruptions) to be trusted to deliver between those regular reviews.

If you can clearly get across to them that they are part of the problem that would be helpful. If they are too proud/egocentric to get that then you will know where you stand and make a decision about the extent to which you are willing to bend yourself out of shape to fit with their worldview. You can also play back to them – 'look at the interventions you have made over the last eight days (point out the overwhelm/overload/insensitivity/conflicts/unrealistic expectations) - how would you feel on the receiving end of all that?' From what you have written, your predecessor was party to creating this monster by biting her tongue and deferring to the board. And how much good do it do her?

The other tactic for dealing with unreasonable/excessive demands is to keep a list of them and work through them in order (first in, first out). They may not track what they have asked you, which is fine, because there are things you won't need to do at all unless they ask you a second time. If you get the second time chaser, then your response can be 'I'm working x which you asked me to do four days earlier – are you saying that y is more important than x? I would have appreciated that clarity when you asked me to do it.'

[classical_Liberal]

...

[Frita]

@ThriftyRob and @c_L
Thanks, guys! I actually can be demon dog but prefer a calm situation for personal reasons. Also, why should a hobby be stressful?! That isn’t a long-term solution.

Today I played around with my interaction style. I was also just as direct as I have been all along. (My spouse says that I am extremely direct. The thing is that I seem calm in situations where most people would not be collected. I also initially present like a bit of a marshmallow so people push and learn the hard way. It catches people off guard and contributes to potential conflicts.) I watched a couple employees have temper tantrums to try to get their way. I had a few try to argue with some of the limited policies that are written down and will now be followed. The Board President and Secretary came in again to discover there would be no repeat of yesterday. One asked if I was cool with things and no longer feeling overwhelmed. I assured them that my feelings haven’t changed. Let them chew on that.

In the past years in this sucky work environment vortex, I have made the mistake of staying too long. I am going to give it until the end of this week. Then I may extend to a month past my start date, mid-August. If it’s like it is now, adiós.

Things I have learned:
1. Do not ERE to a place in an economic slump and a HCOL if you want to work and/or have working friends. Many employers treat people poorly and employees see you as a threat. (Discuss an exit plan with family in advance if giving it a go anyway.)
2. Places with high turnover tend to treat a person poorly. The people who stay are willing to tolerate the poor culture and even contribute to it.
3. Dishonesty is a red flag.
4. Cheapness is a red flag too.
5. Most wage slaves will struggle to be honest about the current reality. (As an idealist, I want to battle for what could be despite seeing it as it is. I am working on making choices that are more reality-based.)
6. Do not donate to a nonprofit unless having worked within it. (This has always been my policy. It’s a good one.)
7. Teaching is not a portable career for a trailing spouse past one’s 30s, maybe younger depending on credentials.
8. Ageism is a thing in that one has less desirable options. (Is it a red flag if an organization wants to hire middle-aged Frita? Maybe.)
*This may be a repeat of some other journal content. Some of this has been learned through repetition. Note to self, pay attention.

[Frita]

The more I learn about this non-profit, the more disturbing it is. (I may explain at some point but am too exhausted.) They just barely have enough to cover expenses at the end of the month. Tomorrow is the end of the pay period and I’m considering if it should be my last day. Thoughts?

[Alphaville]

get paid and flee! flee!

toldja it reminded me of my deadbeat clients

good on you for checking on the money situation. do NOT make a donation in the form of free labor.

the end of the month is tomorrow!

(now you know the questions for the next interview with a nonprofit lmao)

seriously, take the money and run

[ThriftyRob]

If on top of the dysfunctional supervision by board members, the non-profit is borderline insolvent, why would you expose yourself to all that stress? As @alphaville put it so well: take the money and run. My only caveat would be: if you understand why the cash is so tight, is there a way to restructure the cost base quickly to improve the cashflow? If you can't see a quick fix then it's definitely head for the exit and don't return.