bostonimproper's journal

Where are you and where are you going?
bostonimproper
Posts: 580
Joined: Sun Jul 01, 2018 11:45 am

Re: bostonimproper's journal

Post by bostonimproper »

2022 Spending Breakdown

Couple weeks early, but I’ve prorated the relevant categories, so I think this is a reasonable reflection of what we’re expecting for 2022.

Code: Select all

 				2022		2021		2019
 				
ADMINISTRATA			$817.31		$495.07		$4,187.86
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Business Misc.			$494.19		$151.00	  	$276.51
Estate Planning	               	$0.00		$0.00		$3,558.32
Life Insurance	               	$324.12 	$324.12		$243.09
Office Supplies	               	$0.00 		$12.00		$8.49
Postage & Shipping	       	$0.00 		$7.95		$101.45


EXPERIENCES			$1,912.27	$9,320.25	$3,605.99
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Entertainment			$473.63		$2,851.55	$822.90
Travel	   			$1,439.27	$6,468.70	$2,783.09
	
	
FOOD				$16,751.23	$17,057.47	$7,487.67
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Groceries			$7,879.34	$5,182.21	$5,935.66
Restaurants			$8,881.89	$11,875.26	$1,552.01


HEALTHCARE/MEDICAL		$7,832.88	$11,233.18	$7,584.15
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dental				$97.63		$598.00		$275.00
Health & Dental Insurance	$3,473.02	$5,135.29	$3,367.44
Medical Spending		$4,262.23	$1,908.89	$319.41
Therapy				$0.00		$3,750.00	$3,622.30


HOME				$27,981.30	$17,114.33	$23,722.33
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Home Insurance			$1,914.50	$1,796.50	$1,500.00
Home Maintenance		$8,709.07	$633.50		$1,609.28
Mortgages			$14,990.21	$13,741.42	$19,100.00
Property Taxes			$1,867.52	$942.91		$1,513.05


PERSONAL CARE			$2,984.79	$2,246.70	$2,890.71
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Home Cleanings			$1,900.00	$1,252.50	$0.00
Gym Membership			$0.00		$0.00		$1,308.00
Personal Care & Toiletries	$1,084.79	$994.20		$1,582.71


SHOPPING			$4,855.97	$4,753.17	$1,084.74
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Clothing/Shoes			$259.93		$944.72		$601.59
Home Furnishings		$1,817.37	$2,922.87	$403.50 
Electronics			$1,508.69	$237.93 	$0.00
Other Shopping			$1,269.98	$542.65		$79.65


TRANSPORTATION			$2,373.27	$2,789.59	$7,580.52
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Car Insurance			$1,321.00	$1,539.90	$3,685.00
Car Maintenance			$53.00		$124.82		$1,140.32
Car Registration & Admin	$75.00		$135.00		$110.00
Gasoline/Fuel			$143.25		$343.50		$975.69
Parking				$210.25		$169.84		$261.25
Parking Tickets			$429.00		$428.24		$350.24
Public Transportation		$62.20		$49.00		$644.00
Taxi				$79.57		$0.00		$414.02

UTILITIES			$2,552.25	$2,334.93	$2,325.62
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Electric			$111.51		$110.84		$101.97
Internet			$704.12		$558.06		$678.44
Natural Gas			$693.64		$674.02		$505.52
Telephone			$262.98		$284.94		$329.81
Water				$780.00		$707.07		$709.88


OTHER DISCRETIONARY		$11,600.00	$7,200.00	$9,492.00

================================================================================

GRAND TOTAL			$79,691.27	$74,439.66	$69,961.59
So it looks like we have increased spending again this year. Fun. Some notes:
  • As usual, I’m not including what we throw toward either charity or income taxes.
  • Breakdown from highest spend category to lowest.
  • Grades based on expenditure vs. average for Boston metro/New England area: A >50% less, B 25-50% less, C 0-25% less, D 0-25% more, F >25% more
Home - $27,981.30 - Grade: C
  • We spent a lot on home repairs and maintenance this year. This included: de-leading the building for baby ($6000 after state tax incentive for the work to be done and for inspection/certificates of remediation), rerouting backyard gutters away from foundation ($1000), replacing the thermostat on our hot water tank ($400), washing an impacted HVAC condenser ($300), replacing burnt out wiring ($275), fixing broken solar microinverter ($250), gutter cleaning ($200), and various little supplies (HVAC filters, water filters, etc.). While the de-leading won’t be repeated, our house is over a hundred years old, so there’s always something that needs fixing or replacing.
  • Home insurance is gradually getting more expensive.
  • On the bright side, we’re still spending about $3K+ less on housing stuff than equivalent rent, even with all the house maintenance. And that’s not even including the additional tax benefits and throwing money into mortgage principle (~$10K). So still doing OK in this category and probably in line with what is to be expected barring a major change like moving or bringing in a roommate, neither of which we are interested in.
Food - $16,751.23 - Grade: F-
  • My husband has taken over the cooking, which has generally meant the amount we order out has dropped down quite a bit. We probably average 3x per week at this point. That said, delivery fees have gotten ridiculous. Really, even if we just force ourselves to go pick up food instead of getting it on our doorstep, we could probably save on the order of thousands at this point.
  • Also, husband has taken over grocery shopping, but hates going to the cheaper grocer, and instead goes to the expensive-but-middling-quality grocer. Moving forward, I want to shift our meat purchases to local services which have moderate pricing but high-quality, pasture raised meats. (I’ve already shifted us over for back half of December). In terms of produce, the biggest bang for buck while maintaining high quality would be to eat more seasonally, so I might try to tweak our meal plan in that direction even though it’s not normally what I’d prefer to eat.
Other Discretionary - $11,600.00 - Grade: F-
  • This is personal slush fund spending, i.e. money that goes into my and my husband’s individual accounts that we can use on whatever we want without asking each other. I’m sure this line item masks spending that would otherwise be accounted for in other areas, experiences and shopping in particular. In general, I feel like I could reduce my portion pretty easily. I know my husband struggles with staying under their limit sometimes though.
Healthcare - $7,832.88 - Grade: D
  • Husband is no longer in therapy, which brought that expense down. We’re both doing well mental health-wise, which is great.
  • Premiums were down since I didn’t switch jobs and go on COBRA.
  • Lots of money thrown at fertility and pregnancy expenses. Fun fact: even though ultrasounds and bloodwork at certain checkpoints are part of the standard practice of care for pregnant women, they are not considered preventative (and therefore, we paid $$$ on copays). In addition, my husband tried to get their tinnitus and some sleep issues treated, and after a series of specialist visits, neither ended up going anywhere, wheee.
  • Unfortunately, this line item is definitely going up next year, when I’m expecting to hit our OOP max with baby’s birth. On top of that, because I’m likely to leave my job next year, we’ll either be paying out the nose for COBRA or have our OOP “reset” when we go onto a plan on the exchange. Honestly, at our level of income, I have no idea how to get this number down barring leaving the United States.
Shopping - $4,855.97 - Grade: C
  • Got a new laptop to replace my 6 year old one. We’re likely good on new electronics for a few years.
  • Did a minor revamp of our living space, adding Hue lights around the house, upgrading our storage, and replacing the TV stand I inherited from a college roommate to a nice restored vintage piece. It’s a lot cozier now and I think the Hue lights in particular helped me a lot with my seasonal affective disorder that usually sets in during winter. Altogether it was pure luxury and cost us a couple thousand dollars, but it is what it is.
  • Lastly, we stocked up on baby gear. I think we’ll recoup a lot of what we spent here— or at the very least we have high quality enough stuff that I think it’ll last us through two kids. Obviously, I expect we’ll continue to spend at least some amount on kid stuff year to year, but we’re lucky in that we have other parent friends from which we can get various hand-me-downs.
Personal Care - $2,984.79 - Grade: D
  • Had a cleaner come in once monthly for the whole year. Big quality of life improvement in my opinion, so I’m fine keeping the expense on regardless of the cost.
Utilities - $2,522.25 - Grade: B
  • No increase in usage, just in rates.
  • If you take into account the profit we get from selling our net metering credits and SRECs, this line item is less than $1K.
Transportation - $2,373.27 - Grade: A
  • Continued to not really use the car much outside of grocery trips and regional travel.
  • My husband keeps forgetting to move the car for street cleaning day. (I put this on them since I don’t drive.)
Experiences - $1,912.27 - Grade: A
  • Churning really paid off as we were able to do some posh traveling at significant discounts.
  • In terms of entertainment, we were largely homebodies. A lot of this was due to the pregnancy. I imagine having a newborn will likely nudge us the same way.
Administrata - $817.31 - Grade: B
  • Crypto transactions meant our taxes were more complicated this year, which meant more $$$ on crypto-specific tax prep software.
Potential improvements

Tagging improvements with the following impact bands: High >$2500, Medium $500-2500, Low <$500. Tagging improvements with difficulty bands based on gut feeling. These are not commitments, just ideas.
  • [High impact, medium difficulty] No more food delivery. Either do takeout or keep more easy or even pre-made meals on hand for nights we are feeling too lazy to do cooking.
  • [High impact, high difficulty] Insource home repair and maintenance, making one attempt to fix problems ourselves before hiring out.
  • [Medium impact, low difficulty] Churn for family round-trip flights to the West Coast in case do the holidays with my folks next year.
  • [Medium impact, low difficulty] Reduce my own personal slush fund/allowance.
  • [Medium impact, medium/high difficulty] Go through with husband their spending of their personal slush fund/allowance, cutting out subscription services they are no longer using or addressing other areas of optimization for their “fun” spending.
  • [Medium impact, medium difficulty] More seasonal meal planning.
  • [Low impact, low difficulty] Call home insurance agent to push on negotiating better terms/rates next cycle.
  • [Low impact, low difficulty] Call internet service provider to get us back to introductory rates.
  • [Low impact, medium difficulty] Come up with system to remind husband to move car on street cleaning days so we stop getting tickets once a month.
Open to other suggestions, though I don’t promise I’ll take them, particularly if they are big systemic changes in our living conditions. Expecting my energy reserves to be pretty low next year due to newborn and my overall time to $ optimization to be limited.
Last edited by bostonimproper on Sat Dec 17, 2022 11:24 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Scott 2
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Re: bostonimproper's journal

Post by Scott 2 »

Do you have a target spend in mind, for when you stop work? Obviously there's space for reductions, but I'm unclear on your incentive to change.

The $8k on restaurants stands out to me. Not just the expense, but also the effects of eating out so much. It doesn't feel good.

bostonimproper
Posts: 580
Joined: Sun Jul 01, 2018 11:45 am

Re: bostonimproper's journal

Post by bostonimproper »

@MBBoy I’ll try my best to remember to give ourselves grace, assuming that particular neuron is still capable of lighting up through the sleep deprivation.

@Scott 2 - No specific goal for retirement spending, since a part of me feels like I could always earn more income (relatively easily?) if I really had to. We’re definitely in the camp of annoying tech FIRE people that aren’t really “frugal” since the incentive to spend less is muted by income, but I guess it just feels like it might be getting out of hand? Like in that book, I want to be the kind of person capable of wanting less or something. Unproductive guilt makes the affluence go down easier, yada yada.

We enjoy eating out— one of the great things about city living imo is access to a variety of delicious foods without the fuss of doing it all yourself— but I admit we could certainly cut it down. I assume the preferred ERE method is to insource all meals. Or possibly trade them for some permaculture consultations, leveraging symbiotic relationships as part of your ecology, etc.

Scott 2
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Re: bostonimproper's journal

Post by Scott 2 »

So the money is only a proxy, for variables that do matter to you.

Given your priorities, is something like credit card churning or travel rewards hacking an improvement? I see it as simple work, with a given hourly wage. There's no second order benefit. Even something like the parking tickets. What's the benefit of time spent on that battle? The leak is negligible.


When I look at your list of possible improvements, items with second order benefits stand out. They highlight the comparative advantage trap. There are non-financial opportunity costs to outsourcing.

Picking on the restaurants - yes, ERE in-sources meals. It's cheaper, but the other benefits are more important. Reduced hedonic adaptation. Improved nutrition. Skill development. Reduced reliance on others. This increases resilience, in ways that money cannot buy. The resilience further broadens your options, creating a self-reinforcing spiral.

Eventually, eating out no longer feels compelling. You've sacrificed something good, for something better. I say this as someone who used to take 2 hour lunches. I'm no stranger to a $50 meal. But, our restaurant spend this year is $6. The draw hasn't been there.

bostonimproper
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Re: bostonimproper's journal

Post by bostonimproper »

Fair enough. My bottleneck is mostly personal energy expenditure. Once I hit my limit I’m done for the day, headaches being the most common symptom which wipe me out even from more passive leisure activities. I found when I did do 100% home cooking for meals, my Sunday energy budget was basically dedicated to meal prep (weekday cooking after work yields food way too late in the evening). This meant cutting my weekend down by half. Though that was before my husband took on more of the load. It may be that I can take on more of the cooking again once we’re past the survival mode of fourth trimester.

Edit: I will say that I’ve never experienced a point where restaurant food wasn’t at least somewhat compelling. Foods that are simple to make for yourself (steak being among the most common examples), I wouldn’t bother getting at a restaurant. But stuff that’s difficult to source or inefficient to cook in low volumes— the convenience really wins out.

MBBboy
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Re: bostonimproper's journal

Post by MBBboy »

Oh man, loving the process here. Its essentially the same process we go through each year - are you and my wife long lost twins?? The only difference is that our grades are against our plan vs a regional average - anytime I've looked at aggregated consumer spend data at work, I leave with more questions than answers so I simply don't trust it enough.

More helpfully:
  • For food pickup, you might consider ordering with restaurants directly. Helping them save a ton on fees might be the nudge to get you to take on the inconvenience for the savings, as opposed to just relying on the $ saved
  • I wouldn't be so sure about hitting the OOP max post birth. We made the same assumption and our OOP to the hospital was something like $2K
  • Watch out for the house cleaner moving up to 2x a month post birth! We also started the monthly once my wife hit the final trimester and our housework allocation shifted - its a gateway drug and we are moving to 2x a month for 2023 lol
  • Making the freezer meals as birth prep is a practice you can easily extend to help with your first potential improvement line. Since taking up the practice, our restaurant spend is now almost exclusively "entertainment" spend as opposed to survival spend. We definitely enjoy spending the money on an experience more than we enjoy eating it at home during a busy evening

bostonimproper
Posts: 580
Joined: Sun Jul 01, 2018 11:45 am

Re: bostonimproper's journal

Post by bostonimproper »

@MBBboy For what it’s worth, I think I took the grading idea from your journal, so less coincidence and more unapologetic theft.

======

Goals for 2023

Parenting
  • First 6-8 weeks, just survive.
  • Take kiddo out for at least 1 hour a day, regardless of weather. Easy mode: sit and read on our back porch while kiddo naps.
  • Stick with breastfeeding through the first year. After that, I’m pretty sure I’ll want to quit.
  • No screen time through the first year.
  • Set up toddler-accessible stations for sleep, food, hygiene, play/education, art, and indoor physical play, enabling independent activity as much as possible. More toward end of year once kiddo is mobile.
Health
  • Continue getting at least 150 minutes of moderate exercise (weight training, HIIT, pilates, etc) each week. Does not include walking.
  • Get orthodontia to fix emerging bite issues.
  • Address “I’ve f—‘d my core” stuff post-birth (diastesis recti, pelvic control, etc).
  • Regain strength and mobility to the point I am ready to get back into parkour and indoor rock climbing.
Social
  • See friends in person at least once a month. We’ve gotten lazy at this and mostly resorted to virtual hangouts with the pandemic and everyone having kids. Also, we personally have been spending a lot more time with my in-laws. Anyway, it’s silly given how close we all live to each other.
  • Make one new friend — maybe through local parenting groups?
Financial
  • Increase net worth by 16% YoY.
  • Purchase rental property near the Great Lakes. Right now I’m thinking either Detroit or Buffalo metro, but I really need to get out there on the ground. Expecting market may be in a good spot in Q3 based on rates/recession/etc, but will keep tabs based on macro to figure out the right timing.
  • Find a new job — less a goal and more a “what I expect to happen that’ll be disruptive next year.”
Personal pursuits
  • Read 20 books.
  • Vet business idea. Includes A/B testing potential product lines, sales channels, procurement, pricing and bundling. Also some minimal branding, website, payments setup. Make at least 5 sales and document CX process end-to-end. Decide if worth growing/maintaining or folding.
  • Give away compost that’s just been taking up space in my tumbler.
  • Grow one edible thing.
  • Get back into seasonal, local eating and meal planning.

bostonimproper
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Re: bostonimproper's journal

Post by bostonimproper »

Lead a horse to water

As expected, energy rates are skyrocketing in Massachusetts. NSTAR natgas rates are already 3x what they were last year. You see a lot of concern and hand-wringing on the Boston and other local subreddits. A lot of people, it seems, were caught off guard.

In our household, we’re doing fine. Eversource (which we use) is expecting to have its big rate increase in January. I think it’s supposed to be a 60% rate hike on electric and gas? I don’t know why, but I vaguely remember it being a lot less than the NSTAR hike; I should probably check. Honestly, even 3x our winter rates would be vaguely annoying but not a huge hardship for us. A lot of that is due to the loads of insulation we added to our attic when we moved in and also being on the top floor of our two-unit building. To some degree we do end up stealing our neighbor’s heat. (Shhhhhhhhh, I don’t think they’ve figured it out yet. :? )

For years I’ve been trying to convince my MIL to insulate her very drafter century-old home. The work is heavily subsidized in Massachusetts through a program called MassSave— 100% of air sealing is paid for by the state and 75% of insulation costs. It’s such an amazing program and I really don’t understand why more people don’t take advantage; it pays for itself in a single winter. They also give you free LEDs and water-saving fixtures and have subsidies for things like 0% loans on ASHP, energy efficient appliances, etc. But for years my suggestion has fallen on deaf ears!

Well, lo and behold, now that MIL’s oil bills have skyrocketed (she has oil heating), she’s actually considering moving forward with it. Or at least, she said she is. At least it’s gone from the totally-ignoring-it phase to bringing-it-up-herself-but-still-dragging-her-feet phase. Baby steps, but at least there’s progress? Honestly, I don’t entirely understand why it’s so hard to convince people on such no-brainer wins.

Trading financial capital for social capital?

On the other side of the utilities coin, we’re still significantly overproducing in our little solar array by about 3.1 MWh over the course of the year. We sell our excess energy credits (about $750 worth this year) to a couple households at a 20% discount, half to an old work colleague and the rest to my BFF and her husband, which we settle up toward year-end. Brings down their utility bills by $150 over the course of a year and, in exchange, gives us a way to cash out otherwise-useless energy credits. Win-win.

We’re at the point where we’ve nearly broken even in nominal dollars on the solar array after only six years, and the array should theoretically last us another fifteen. We got big tax incentives to install and have received so many annual incentives like selling SRECs and zeroing out our own electric bills. At this point it’s just generating income for us.

So now I’m thinking… we would probably still charge old work colleague since we’re not that close, but we really don’t need to charge BFF and her husband. It’d feel weird to give them the credits and effectively subsidize their household $350-400 a year— they both work in tech and each make close to what I do, so financially they’re doing fine. But to continue being like “money please” also feels weird?

I’m wondering if there’s something fun we could suggest doing with the money instead. Their baby is about a year older than ours, so maybe setting up a travel fund for us all to take a big ol’ trip someday with the kids or to send them to camp together as they get older. Or a double date night fund, or something? Just noodling through some ideas.

bostonimproper
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Re: bostonimproper's journal

Post by bostonimproper »

Still waiting…

I’ve been off work for three weeks now and I’m still waiting for baby to arrive. I’m technically “at term”, but that just means baby can show up anytime between now and 2-3 weeks (at which point, we’d push the eject button). I am in a state of low-grade but constant pain and exhaustion and the intermittent prodromal labor is driving me batty (“is this finally it!?”). I’m keeping busy as I can, but my options for things to do are pretty limited. We’re at the point that my diaphragm is constricted since y’know baby is taking up a lot of torso space and breathing is difficult enough that wearing a mask has me gasping for air; pelvic pain is bad enough that even walking up the hill around the corner from our house has me feeling like my organs are on their way out of me. Hell, even standing in the shower has me winded nowadays. Also, DH and I are also avoiding going to public places as much as we can given it’s flu/covid/rsv season, and we really don’t want to be sick during labor. Having Covid, for instance, can mean that the hospital would separate me and the baby and take them to the hospital nursery right after birth, which I really want to avoid.

So given all that: no long walks or jogs around the city, no trips to the library, no people watching at the cafe, no hiking at the Fells, no indoor rock climbing (though that’s been true all pregnancy), no visiting our friends with now-toddlers that are starting to interact with other children and sneeze into each other’s mouths, no visiting unvaccinated family on Christmas, no dim sum on Lunar New Year. Really, it’s no interacting with anyone besides DH and no going more than a couple dozen yards from the house. It’s like the first few weekends of pandemic lockdown, but worse? No no no no no no no.

I’ve mostly been filling my time with reading, weightlifting (thank god I can do this still), listening to podcasts, online board games and Zoom calls with friends/in-laws, minor household chores I’ve been putting off (sharpening our knives, refresh caulking), NYTimes crossword puzzles, finding out I no longer enjoy playing RimWorld, and nesting things to get ready for baby (laundry, sanitizing bottles, bulk meal prepping, and decluttering). Oh and also filing mounds of paperwork with my company, their external HR vendor, my short term disability insurance provider, and the Massachusetts state government to get my maternity leave paid, which by itself has turned into a part-time job. :/

Still, I am starting to get a bit bored and spending more time idling on the internet than I’d like. I’m at the point where I could and maybe should start doing product-market fit validation for the solo venture I am thinking of doing. I’m a little worried that once the baby gets here it’ll interrupt my focus so much that I’ll end up losing my momentum and having to scrap any progress I made. But I have nothing better to do at the moment, so maybe we just roll with it.

theanimal
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Re: bostonimproper's journal

Post by theanimal »

FWIW, walking may help you out, as it can induce labor and help the baby get in a good position to descend. It's also a good excuse to get out of the house and not be completely focused on waiting/ thinking when is it going to happen. Mrs. Animal delivered baby animal 10 days past her due date, so we spent a lot of time walking around the neighborhood and doing many of the same things. Just waiting and waiting, albeit far easier on my end..

Best wishes for speedy delivery and good health to you and baby!

bostonimproper
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Re: bostonimproper's journal

Post by bostonimproper »

@theanimal Thanks for the well wishes! Doing as much walking as I can. Unfortunately Boston metro is in general quite hilly. Our house in particular is situated halfway up a hill with a 30-40 degree incline, and going up and down inflames my SPD (intense pelvic pain due to hormone surge relaxing my joints in prep for birth) pretty badly. I still try to do neighborhood walks a couple times a week, but even a mile or two renders me more or less non-ambulatory the next day.

7Wannabe5
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Re: bostonimproper's journal

Post by 7Wannabe5 »

bostonimproper wrote:I’m a little worried that once the baby gets here it’ll interrupt my focus
:lol: Experiences can vary significantly, but even though I was in my energetic early 20s and had a good deal of help at hand, I was so exhausted by around week 6 after my first was born, I was literally seeing stars. Doing something for yourself that is mentally challenging/engaging does eventually come into play as you make your way back up Maslow's Hierarchy, but self-aware self-care at the level of "If the baby is sleeping, you must try to sleep yourself." and "If the baby is sucking you dry, you must keep yourself hydrated." is mission critical first line focus. There really is nothing quite like the experience of being responsible for another life 24/7.

Also, try to just relax and enjoy the experience as much as you can. Infancy is such a brief phase of life the particular joys it can bring are fleeting.

bostonimproper
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Re: bostonimproper's journal

Post by bostonimproper »

Brief announcement: baby is here.

The birth itself didn’t go quite as planned, but overall the outcome was good (healthy baby, healthy me). For me the experience wasn’t particularly traumatic, but it feels like we were one or two steps away from things going very very sideways. I think my husband sustained a lot more trauma from the experience than I did. That said, I don’t think I’m up for doing it again. One and done or adoption, methinks.

A few weeks into parenthood, I would rate taking care of a newborn as one of those things that’s simple but not easy. We do the reps: feed, burp, change, put down to sleep, pump. Rinse and repeat. Occasionally something nice like a walk around the neighborhood, tummy time, a little bath, or a visit from a friend with food. Not a lot of sleep happening, but enough. Most days are a blur.

There is one aspect of parenting which I’ve found to be difficult, contradictory, complex, frustrating, and a political minefield: breastfeeding. I am having both supply and latch issues, which means I get to subject myself to a whole lactation industry telling me to somehow attempt breastfeeding and pump every 2-3 hours but also somehow get lots of rest and eat enough calories so as to build up my supply? Oh and also fit in taking care of a baby in there too. Every time I mention to a health care provider that we’re supplementing with formula, their face just falls. But the alternative is to let my baby starve, so? I’ve gotten so much pressure from family and friends too.

You have to make it work for the antibodies!
Gut flora, childhood obesity, IQ!
Breast is best!
Just try harder, you got this mama!


Anyway, that’s my life right now. I love my child and I’m so grateful for my loving and supportive husband, but if I’m being honest, I’m not greatly enjoying this phase of parenthood. Just hanging in there hoping it gets better.

chenda
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Re: bostonimproper's journal

Post by chenda »

Congratulations!

7Wannabe5
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Re: bostonimproper's journal

Post by 7Wannabe5 »

Congratulations!

I didn't have much difficulty with breastfeeding my babies directly, but I was never able to use a breast pump successfully. Breastfeeding is to some extent a sympathetic release, like crying, and mechanical apparatus never provided me with the proper inspiration, even though hearing somebody else's baby crying would sometimes cause the release. I didn't work outside the home, so mostly I just fed them myself, but I used the expensive hypo-allergenic whey formula on the occasions I had to leave them with others while they were in infancy. When they were old enough to start picking up Cheerios with their little fingers, I switched over to home-made yogurt juice as supplement. I never gave them baby food, because unneccessary, and I lack the patience necessary to spoon feed somebody likely to spit out half of what you attempt to feed them. Anyways, my point here being that perfection is not necessary, and if I were you I would just cut out the pumping part of the routine, because alienating, and tending towards promoting SuperWoman functioning, as in "I can be providing my baby with superior nutrition while simultaneously giving a presentation to the Board of Directors and training for a decathlon! Thank You Breast Pump Industry!"

Frita
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Re: bostonimproper's journal

Post by Frita »

bostonimproper wrote:
Fri Feb 17, 2023 8:37 am
There is one aspect of parenting which I’ve found to be difficult, contradictory, complex, frustrating, and a political minefield: breastfeeding. I am having both supply and latch issues, which means I get to subject myself to a whole lactation industry telling me to somehow attempt breastfeeding and pump every 2-3 hours but also somehow get lots of rest and eat enough calories so as to build up my supply? Oh and also fit in taking care of a baby in there too. Every time I mention to a health care provider that we’re supplementing with formula, their face just falls. But the alternative is to let my baby starve, so? I’ve gotten so much pressure from family and friends too…Just hanging in there hoping it gets better.
Congrats on the newest addition to your family! I hear you that breastfeeding can be tough. There seems to be this myth that it’s easy because it’s natural and healthy. (That was not my lived experience. One twin nursed easily until preschool. The other had sucking issues and had pumped milk through the first year before going on formula. I felt like an abused stripper milk cow.) Pile on the sudden hormone changes post-delivery and cumulative sleep deprivation to a new demanding routine for a potentially wild ride!

This next part is intended as validation, not advice: Your experience is valid. Asking for support and help is okay and healthy. Doing what is best for your family does not include complying to others’ shoulding based on guilt or shame. I found it did get better as I adjusted and am wishing that for you as well.

Der Leiermann
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Re: bostonimproper's journal

Post by Der Leiermann »

bostonimproper wrote:
Fri Feb 17, 2023 8:37 am
Brief announcement: baby is here.
Congratz! Glad you and the baby are well.

My two cents regarding the points you raised:
- Breastfeeding got easier for my wife at about 6 weeks. They had similar issues with latching. By then she and the baby knew what they were doing. Also, the baby’s mouth grew large enough to get a decent latch. So hopefully things get better soon.
- I found life got somewhat easier after 3 months. Then the time in between feeds stretched out enough to allow for an acceptable amount of sleep for both parents, when tag teaming overnight.

Good luck and hang in there!

theanimal
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Re: bostonimproper's journal

Post by theanimal »

Congratulations!

Mrs. Animal hasn't had any luck with breast pumps either. She does use something like this on the other breast while baby animal is feeding and it works well. https://www.amazon.com/Haakaa-Breast-Ma ... B07CWK4S5W Doesn't get as much as a full breast pump but still a decent amount. Baby animal also didn't take to bottles until about a month ago. So much of what Mrs. Animal was getting in the Haakaa ended up not getting used, much to Mrs. Animal's dismay in the first few weeks. Overall, the experience is very much chop wood and carry water. It does improve as the baby keeps growing but there are different challenges. Our daughter started having sleep regressions around 4 months (about a month ago) and has had somewhat unpredictable sleep since. Everyone is different of course and each child will have their own unique set of challenges, or lack thereof.

I'm glad to hear you have support with your husband. Here's hoping that things improve for all three of you.

Bonde
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Re: bostonimproper's journal

Post by Bonde »

Big congratz! It is a life changing moment.
DS' birth was also quite hectic and we stayed one week at the hospital because he was underweight. Everything went well and DW got a lot of guidance for breastfeeding. I'm not sure DW would be breastfeeding today if we didn't stay that long at the hospital and also used their prima breast pumps.
I think that the nurses we have talked to have been quite reasonable. They clearly recommend breastfeeding but always also said that if it doesn't work it is not a big deal. It is a difficult decision. If we will have another child, we would go pretty far to succeed in breastfeeding. I look at it a bit like an investment. It can take weeks to get it going but the coming months are much easier. No warming of the milk and no bottles to clean. But if we don't have the energy or we are feeling too overwhelmed, we would not keep pushing ourselves and instead choose what works here and now.

Biscuits and Gravy
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Re: bostonimproper's journal

Post by Biscuits and Gravy »

Congratulations and thanks for letting us know you and the baby are healthy. My mantra for this stage was “sanity first”; forget about the skyscrapers of laundry and take naps and eat when you can. Fuck all that “breast is best” shame—sanity first. I supplemented with both of mine and it was as fine as fine can be in that horrible infant hell you are currently roasting in. Reframe it as gifting your partner or in-laws the “joy” of getting to feed the tiny cute vampire, too.

Best of luck, really. It gets “better” around 18 months, or so I found.

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