Random Relationship Derailment Thread

How to explain ERE, arranging family matters
Toska2
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Re: Random Relationship Derailment Thread

Post by Toska2 »

7wannabe5 has greatly influenced my dating. Her ability to date across social groups and generations implies just how fierce the market is for a female my age. Before in jest, my analogy was I couldn't give beer away at a nascar race. After a few of 7wannabe5's stories I did a little experiment. I messaged every female 23-37 (I was 27) within a 100 mile radius (Detroit, Ann Arbor, Flint ect) on OkCupid. Not a single response. There wasn't a written No, Yes or Hi. That silence said," find something else. So I stopped trying and I have been happier since.

slsdly
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Re: Random Relationship Derailment Thread

Post by slsdly »

@Toska2, I'm probably a few years older, but once I closed all the dating accounts and decided being a bachelor isn't so bad, there has been more opportunity. A little bewildering, but too little, too late. I could get responses on OkCupid, but I always got the sense of there being many suitors banging on the door, so every message better be magical. I look around me and see many people in situations I would describe as trapped/domineered by their partners. Or more specifically the bottomless well of desires their partners have -- they themselves can be quite nice, just not very easily satisfied. Remaining single is not the worst choice one could make ;).

7Wannabe5
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Re: Random Relationship Derailment Thread

Post by 7Wannabe5 »

@Toska2:

That's sad to me since I met you in person, so I know that you are an attractive young man, and the sort of person who will carry heavy boxes for an old lady. Same goes for theanimal, even though he has the added problem of semi-arctic location.

Maybe I should start an old school personal-touch matchmaking service for the young single men of the frugal community. Since I am probably eventually going to have to find a bride for my own INTP son, it would fit right in with my web-of-goals. I could call it something like Lentil Babies R' Us, except that sounds too much like vegetarian-only. I could start by working my young kindergarten teacher and gardening group volunteer circles along with friend circles of my DD27 and my 21 year old niece.

I could even hostess mixers that would give the frugal-fit young men the opportunity to show off their musculature doing something like hauling all of the refuse out and installing a roof on a dilapidated auction house in Detroit for me, and the creative-simple-living young women could bring pies and salads. It could be kind of like this:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QbzJtP75NqM

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C40
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Re: Random Relationship Derailment Thread

Post by C40 »

7wb5 - Put me on your list. I'm not having a lot of trouble, but hey, one can always do better.

You might want to include a sort of "salon" format during your event, as there is much more to a mate than a glistening brawny body and physical labor potential.

Side note - I love that movie. Watched it many times in my youth. I was discussing it recently with my siblings and found it odd that they didn't even recollect that the plot of the movie was kidnapping women to fill domestic, romantic, and sexual roles.

7Wannabe5
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Re: Random Relationship Derailment Thread

Post by 7Wannabe5 »

@C40:

You would be welcome to join my list, even though I suspect that might be a little bit like inviting the fox into the hen house :lol:

The salon is a good idea. Then maybe I could call my service "Best Company" in homage to Austen. The muscle work was mostly just me figuring out how I can get paid enough for my services with a frugal niche customer base. I was thinking about how in some tribes young men have to work for their potential father-in-law for several years in order to earn a bride.

" Seven Brides for Seven Brothers" is a great movie. As I am sure you know, it is based on Stephen Vincent Benet's short story "The Sobbin' Women" which is based on the Roman myth of the Rape of the Sabine Women (back then the word "rape" meant "snatch", as in another famous work "The Rape of the Lock"), which is really about the mingling of cultures through marriage towards higher level of civilization. I guess, I would be promoting the mingling of the simple-living females with the frugal-finance males through the shared appreciation of literature, nature*, systems theory and handicrafts. I believe this is a needed service due to the utter lack of success I have seen on the dating thread here and on permaculture sites. I think that sometimes the better a person is at planning their own lifestyle, the harder time they have integrating it with somebody else's "stuff" and druthers.

*Rough camping weekend might also be included in the package.

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Jean
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Re: Random Relationship Derailment Thread

Post by Jean »

Women who stay on dating apps are almost allways Bad match anyway..
But i would be happy to join your event, even if i'm not looking for someone. I'll be in thé area during thé first week of september.

Jason

Re: Random Relationship Derailment Thread

Post by Jason »

And don't forget the best part. All the young men in attendance will leave with a complimentary bag of flower seeds, a mimeographed copy of an 18th century poem and a handjob.

7Wannabe5
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Re: Random Relationship Derailment Thread

Post by 7Wannabe5 »

@Jean:

I would love to have you attend, but I'm not sure if I will be able to pull it off by this September. My primary event focus for this year is my DD27's wedding in October. I have been helping her with a lot of the planning recently, and this has caused me to remember that throwing fun parties on the cheap is one of my secret skills. I have also been listening to the "Live Your Life from the Front Seat" podcast which advises that you should spend 80% of your time doing things you are good at rather than attempting to live a "balanced" life.

@Jason:

Image

Jason

Re: Random Relationship Derailment Thread

Post by Jason »

So if I'm understanding the above imagery correctly, you don't want to read "Campside 7Wannabe5", my alternate lyric version to "Hotel California"?

7Wannabe5
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Re: Random Relationship Derailment Thread

Post by 7Wannabe5 »

@Jason:

lol- Censorship of literature is against my religion.

I just meant to imply that you were being a pest while I was engaged in the highly important process of cooking up a scheme. However, my second thought is that maybe becoming a matchmaker is a bad choice for me, because I am not supposed to promote the Extroverted Feeling part of my personality, because it is immature. I did feel sad when Toska2 wrote that he was having trouble with dating, but I can't just round up and hand out other females to date as if they were cookies. IOW, it's likely that I would make the same sort of mess of things as Austen's Emma.

Jason

Re: Random Relationship Derailment Thread

Post by Jason »

I think you can pull it off. And it's not immature if it's done with the purest Machiavellian intent.

That being said:

"She's got a lot of penny-pinching boys, she calls friends."

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Jean
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Re: Random Relationship Derailment Thread

Post by Jean »

My dear expressed a will to go to thé usa, so i might Come again an other year. Meeting prefiltered people is Always nice.

7Wannabe5
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Re: Random Relationship Derailment Thread

Post by 7Wannabe5 »

Jason wrote:I think you can pull it off. And it's not immature if it's done with the purest Machiavellian intent.
True. Anyways, I am very much on the cusp of INTP/ENTP, so it's not entirely clear whether I am most supposed to avoid any occupation that requires empathetic listening or any occupation that requires adherence to dull routine. I do suck at both of these functions. Maybe I could partner up with an ISFJ man to take care of the touchy-feely and detail work? Like I could logically and enthusiastically explain how the program works to the women using super-friendly flow-charts and he could do drum circle male energy nurturing warm-up activities with the men and/or vice-versa.
"She's got a lot of penny-pinching boys, she calls friends."
NT females are very poorly represented in the population. Nobody else will let me talk about systems theory.

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Stahlmann
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Re: Random Relationship Derailment Thread

Post by Stahlmann »

white belt wrote:
Sat Mar 09, 2019 8:41 pm
...lentil baby, I think a partner would quickly find me overbearing if I were to suggest or implement things to make her life more efficient. Part of being in INTJ means I can have some pretty strong opinions on the "correct" way of doing something, so I've learned to keep my mouth shut and not offer advice unless asked for it.
very interesting problem, even in non-romantic relationships.

for romantic relationships, it's even bigger one.

7Wannabe5
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Re: Random Relationship Derailment Thread

Post by 7Wannabe5 »

@Stahlmann:

It's the classic J vs. P conflict. The MBTI life coach/therapist I am listening to is a female ENFJ and she actually teared up during her podcast while describing her difficulty with reining in her J-ness which has caused problems for her in relationships, because it is perceived as masculine energy. I almost laughed out loud, because she offered "telling a P the right way to load the dishwasher" as an example, and I have actually gotten into major fights with 2 different very J partners over that exact issue.

P's have a very limited ability to focus, so when a J demands that a P use some of that hard to summon up focus on something as trivial as dishwasher loading, it's like being asked to flush your own goals down the toilet. It sometimes makes you want to scream "Leave me alone. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care about the damned dishwasher!!!" or go hide out somewhere they can't bother, bully or nag you. OTOH, on a day when you are in a better functioning mode, you might just chuckle to yourself and say " Yes, sir! Are the handles of the coffee mugs aligned at WNW as per your prior specification or is it time for my flogging?"

T vs. F is also seen as masculine vs. feminine, since 75% of females identify as F and 75% of males identify as T. So, I also have trouble sometimes getting along with sensitive IF men, because I can't do that sit quietly by the pond and listen to them talk about their sad feelings for an hour bonding thing. I start thinking about other things like "I wonder what kind of frog that is?", and then I just want to go get ice cream.

Jason

Re: Random Relationship Derailment Thread

Post by Jason »

Despite the gains they have made over the years, I believe women remain grossly underrepresented in two occupations: serial killers and cult leaders. I think Killing Eve is helping the former, moreso than prettying-down Charlize Theron as Aileen Wournos. With the latter, we have Mary Baker Eddy and a few 19th century end of the worlders, but no one reaching the renowned of a David Koresh or Jim Jones. Based on the response here, I see great opportunity.

Salathor
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Re: Random Relationship Derailment Thread

Post by Salathor »

Jason wrote:
Tue Mar 12, 2019 8:46 am
Despite the gains they have made over the years, I believe women remain grossly underrepresented in two occupations: serial killers and cult leaders.
Something something patriarchy.

white belt
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Re: Random Relationship Derailment Thread

Post by white belt »

One of the big takeaways that I got from the book Mate is the importance of your mating market:
Where you decide to live, study, work and hang out are not just random, superficial lifestyle choices. They're crucial to your success - or failure - with women. Most mating is local, so geography matters. A lot. The fact is, you can't meet the right women if you're in the wrong place.
My anecdotal experience matches up with this advice. The single male/female gender ratio around a military base is probably close to 90/10 (maybe gets down to 70/30 in the town outside of base if there is a university and/or other industry). Around a base I usually can only attract a 6 or 7 on my arbitrary 10 point scale of mate value. If I travel to a large city, I can usually get an 8 or 9, or at least get a 7 with much less effort. I know that nothing about me is changing over a weekend in another city, rather my mate value is a lot higher because the mating market is a lot more favorable for me.

I think mating markets are often overlooked when people talk about dating success. Almost all of the anecdotes I hear about a male having success without having to give much effort with dating is because they lived in an area with a very favorable mating market. I too experienced this when I lived in Taiwan as a white American who spoke Chinese. In my current line of work in the US, I'm convinced that if I wasn't on dating apps or I didn't travel to cities, I could probably go years without getting laid because of the unfavorable gender ratios in my mating market.

Mating markets give the systems thinker another dimension to try to optimize, however this can be difficult if it leads to friction with other things in your web of goals. For example, if your interests include spending a lot of time living in a remote off-grid cabin, you're going to have a harder time finding a mate because there are just less women outside of urban areas. This means the systems thinker is going to have to make some trade-offs between other parts of his web of goals in order to improve his mating system. I find this a bit frustrating, since I don't think you should have to compromise on your own interests to achieve your mating goals, but alas I think many single male ERErs have realized that an anti-fragile web of goals won't necessarily get you laid (duh?). Or perhaps I should say, an anti-fragile web of goals could get you laid, provided that you live in a favorable mating market for you.

In my military career thus far, I've been okay with living in sub-par mating markets because I find my job really rewarding. However, I wonder for how much longer I can carry on with this. I don't think I could spend the next 10 years in sub-par mating markets without feeling like I had squandered some of the most virile years of my life. Obviously my opinion could change if I were to enter a long term relationship, however I find I'm just not interested in doing that with the women I've met around bases.

Jin+Guice
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Re: Random Relationship Derailment Thread

Post by Jin+Guice »

@white belt: according to my gf, the New Orleans strip club (Hunk Oasis), is in need of male talent...

Lemon
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Re: Random Relationship Derailment Thread

Post by Lemon »

7Wannabe5 wrote:
Tue Mar 12, 2019 4:55 am
P's have a very limited ability to focus, so when a J demands that a P use some of that hard to summon up focus on something as trivial as dishwasher loading, it's like being asked to flush your own goals down the toilet. It sometimes makes you want to scream "Leave me alone. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care about the damned dishwasher!!!" or go hide out somewhere they can't bother, bully or nag you. OTOH, on a day when you are in a better functioning mode, you might just chuckle to yourself and say " Yes, sir! Are the handles of the coffee mugs aligned at WNW as per your prior specification or is it time for my flogging?"
This really stuck out for me as I do a similar thing to my partner. Although more just getting the damn thing loaded. If there an approach that works and still gets the housework done withouts getting the, 'stop asking me to do things'? Beyond just doing more of it myself (which I sort of do anyway).

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