My thoughts

Where are you and where are you going?
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Re: My thoughts

Post by Stahlmann » Fri Jun 14, 2019 12:02 pm

Hmmm. Thanks for remembering about my blog @lemur, @2b1s.

Tbh, I don't know what to write.

I'm definitely in my lower mood recently, but to some extent it's helpful.

My short term plan was/is to:
- reduce internet usage, by using only PC in library or etc.
- waking up in the morning and doing something what would develop myslef
- recovering from my injurires
- stealing somebody's job in DACH-area

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Re: My thoughts

Post by Stahlmann » Mon Jun 17, 2019 5:02 pm

WORK - JUNE 2019 - PART 1
- it's very easy to stomp on my fee fees and I very easily stomp on others fee fees (this is why I'm interested in ERE or UBI or whatever sponsorship available)
- I'm this nerdy stereotypical kid in glasses from American comedies but not so much smart :lol:
- I rather count down hours in the work
- On the other hand, I can even find pleasure in painting cells in Excel if it's my task
- I don't have so much contact with my boss atm, that's good
- any kind of promotion would need increasing understanding of people (ok, I really spent so much of time on this in the past) ... or more precisely actual doing something in this department, but that's tough
- this is work in oil&gas industry... in country without any kind industry.
- this somehow became daily grind (anticynicism censorship)
- I think they think that I tend to ignore them. I don't know how to escape this. I simply don't use eye contact
- I think my current team overall is pretty good. Much better than teams consisted of older folks one, because there they would treat me contemptuously as their son (in the best case) or data in Excel cell. Atm, atleast I can sympathize with "we're young and crazy"-culture, but that's tough.
- coming crisis doesn't make me happy

tl;dr the question is (or the task I'm atm involved in): how to not be perceived as meek in semi tough boy group and in the meantime learn something useful and finally work somewhere for real money.

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Re: My thoughts

Post by Bankai » Mon Jun 17, 2019 5:32 pm

Eye contact is the cornerstone of communication in our culture. If you're not comfortable holding eye contact with anyone for extended period, that might partially explain communication issues you're having. Fortunately, it can be learned. The best way to start is where stakes are low - i.e. holding eye contact with sales assistant when buying something is store. You can start with couple of seconds and gradually increase duration as you get more comfortable. You can also start throwing some small talk to the mix. But don't forget to (gently) smile - just starring makes ppl uncomfortable.

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Re: My thoughts

Post by Stahlmann » Mon Jun 17, 2019 5:43 pm

hmmm. when I listen to, I don't have problems with keeping eye contact. during speaking it's more inconvinient for me, because... I really fast have feeling that I invade the other person('s space).

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Re: My thoughts

Post by bigato » Mon Jun 17, 2019 5:46 pm

It’s the same for me. I even lost a job opportunity in the past and they told me part of the reason was why I wouldn’t look at peoples’ eyes while I was talking. It really sucked to have that feedback, I thought it was stupid.

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Re: My thoughts

Post by Gilberto de Piento » Tue Jun 18, 2019 1:07 pm

I like Bankai's advice. If that is too much you can try looking between their eyes or at their nose or something. It feels less awkward and the other person generally can't tell that you aren't making eye contact.

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Re: My thoughts

Post by Stahlmann » Fri Jul 19, 2019 5:01 pm

1st wkd 60h water fast
2st wkd 60h water fast
3st wkd 55h dry fast
got sick prolly on this Monday, but somebody brought virus on Thursday (before)
this was interesting to observe starting running nose after introducing water again, primary goal was to starve these motherfuckers :lol: (prolly immunopathology doesn't work this way)

maybe I simply borrowing mental energy/neurotransmitters from my "future".
hmmm. I don't know.

I'm interested in finding somebody for accountability partnership/coaching/mentoring.
As somebody proposed in different part of the internet:

How do I see cooperation?
2x per week 5-30 minutes talk on FB/Whatsapp/Skype.
so 4-8x sessions for 40-60$ in a month.
yes, this is more like charity proposal.
Levels of planned intensity:
1. Have you done X?
2. Why haven’t you done X?
3.Do it now and report it me back [it’s short habbit so it makes sense].
4. Do it now and report it me back and pay me X$ [let’s say that 5$ can buy me a cheap meal in restaurant, where I’m locatedm so I’m not convinced to give so much for one day weaseling. Prolly adding somekind automation to payment process. Any ideas?]
5. [Presenting advantages of doing X habbit]
6. [Making fun of me in somehow positive way].
7. [Calling names and being abusive].

I could do the reverse as part of service, but I think I simply gonna get buttmad about differences in current situations.

Still thinking about proper financial dimension to it (how to pay the mentor
I know these are penauts, but if there's so much mental masturbation to some ideal budget where we have housing+food+misc (which are 50-100USD) so... I hope somebody gonna get intersted.

"Write python script to do so" - I'm thinking about it, but I can't code.
"If you can't do something, nobody elese will motivate to do so" - Yes, I see this. I'm thinking about social dimension of accountability/financial (dis)incentive.
"It's called friendship" - I could pull some stupid motivational cliche that most people aren't willing to change their beliefs or not so much anally compulsive to their targets IRL.
"Therapy/psychiatrist is the way" - nobody likes admitting that they have problems :lol:
"Coaching" - Expensive.

k9 web got rekt.
gonna experiment with

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Re: My thoughts

Post by Mister Imperceptible » Fri Jul 19, 2019 6:32 pm

Did you speak with that representative of the other company about an opportunity with them? Why not? Are you afraid that someone at your existing company will find out? Do it NOW and if I get to Poland you will owe me a pierogi. Didn’t you know this is a numbers game? Ask for a million euros from 100 fools and 99 rejections have no bearing on whether Fool #100 opens his purse. Imagine you redirected the mental energy you put into purposefully dehydrating yourself into actually learning a marketable skill or networking. It’s not as though I were lower in the global supply chain that I would be in the same boat as you. Just stand atop a chimney in Warsaw and shout “I’M FREE” and the gods will smile upon you, you ignorant-of-history Marxist BEARDY MAN loving dolt.

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Re: My thoughts

Post by bigato » Fri Jul 19, 2019 7:20 pm

I get the idea, but I thought that's what the journals are for? At least I use the forums this way, creating social pressure on myself on purpose, to propel me towards my goals. Maybe you should share more about you and with more consistency?

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Re: My thoughts

Post by Stahlmann » Fri Aug 02, 2019 5:34 pm

W31/2019 - bad week, time to back on track.

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Re: My thoughts

Post by Stahlmann » Wed Aug 07, 2019 4:25 pm

I gonna copy this style of agile fanatic guy. Let's make Stahlmann great again.
This story of some Dem guy from Florida is scary. I gonna be internet tough boy for a moment - it's not like about my world view, but about being lynched by "not aware"/not emphatic crowd.
[yes, this blog post of Dem guy was very shitty anyway]
Tbh, I somehow worry about getting stalked anyway.

Known most important goals for every 1-3 days:
1. Adding active learning hours to German knowledge.
2. Adding active learning hours to engineering (prolly I should use: more workplace) knowledge.
3. Getting more social/spiritual/member of any community/eckhm.. my own family <- I just understood that maybe not caring about this part of life degrades my outcomes on "hard and measurable" parts of my life.
4. Sport -> free drugs

(gonna write something rather influential to avoid spending all nights ont his forum). So I have 80 hrs apart sleep+work, let's see what can be done.

3.08 -> 45 minutes of swimming
4.08 -> 1h of swimming, 30 minutes of hearing some audo (ok, let's start with something really achievable), 30 minutes of renowing old friendship with some guy
5.08 -> meet up in local SSC for language exchange. Semi-successful.
6 and 7.08 -> 5km walk to home isntead of bike (they were unavailable).

What holds me back? Adivce appreciated here.
GERMAN 1. Being to "scaried" about doing new things. Having too high expectations.
WORK 1. Hmm. I'm the... eckhm... theorethically "aware", but I think there were not such group in famous division. I behave like looser (can't say no, can't stay "still" in work, don't play stupid games of avoiding... shity work). I plan to join local toastmasters, just to learn somekind of.. "refinement".
2. Not reading this: ... 2710811510
a) asked the author for his vision of development for young engineer, he didn't reply #secondworldproblems
SOCIAL: 1. Being anally compulsive about not drinking alcohol is counterproductive (let's guess why I'm fixated on some other "drug" and mean time I don' have access to their. Before anybody asks... it's not like it should be "accessible". I don't mind supporting UBS.

However, I don't mind finding community where it would be standard (straight edge). Also no atheists/"free thinkers" here *tips fedora*. Thought about coming back to Christian Church, but they too anally compulsive focused on rituals for somebody who... prolly doesn't exist (pls don't derail my topic on this issue).

From good news, local masonry chapter lifted age limit, but I'm prolly too stupid for them.

2. Thinkig about joing local Together party, but don't wanna be involved in Resentiment Olympics.
On the other hand, no women in nationalist groups.

(let's assume I feel so "smart" that I could be part of boths parties [or at least understanding what they stand for, of course not together, I'd call this being .. eckhm sorry for being too direct... pretty high in understanding of Kegan's levels).

For this point you could assume I'm schizophrenic :lol: j/k.

SPORT 1. Abusing this:
finally something trickles down :lol:
also, I'm maybe crypto-homosexual :lol:

for now that's all. too much here for a day.
Last edited by Stahlmann on Wed Aug 07, 2019 5:00 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Re: My thoughts

Post by Bankai » Wed Aug 07, 2019 4:47 pm

Bump health/sports to #1 and focus on this. Start small, in fact so small that you cannot fail - something like 10 pushups or 2k walk or whatever the minimum is for you. But do it every day, no excuses. You're not allowed to go sleep until you do your 10 pushups. Mark each day of exercise in the calendar - hopefully you won't miss a day and you'll create a chain which will grow every day, making it more and more difficult to stop exercising (who'd like to break 200-day long chain due to being too lazy for 10minutes workout). Once daily exercise becomes a habit, you can slowly increase volume and type of exercises. But only then, don't start with 2h session in the gym to get so sore as to never come back there.

Now, one you habituated exercise, you'll see positive effects in all other areas of your life. But start with this one thing. Don't try to do too much too quickly. You only have limited energy/willpower/motivation. In fact, you'll probably benefit if you ban yourself from any other 'productive' activity until you exercises for 100 days in a row.

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Re: My thoughts

Post by Stahlmann » Wed Aug 07, 2019 5:47 pm

[wanted to have nice post, but started to interconnect sport+job issues]

Replying to upper post and post in different topic of Bankai:
If I had to be critic to myself, maybe I whine on internet, because I don't have my circle IRL or it's just easier.

I went from 0 pushups to 30 prolly from January (New Year resolutions...) up to now (tbh, I haven't done them in 2 weeks). In one set, if I had day for them, I did like 50-120. Even more like 100 (round number).
I don't know why I have this very minor problems with my every practically joint, but I working on them. This is why I planned to focus on "rehab" (big word anyway).
Maybe I will even consider buying pool ticket more frequently (being lighter in water, I hope it's not possibile to hurt my joints)

Sorry for being anally compulsive, but I also was havy into keystone habit idea, but it somehow failed due to injuries.
Of course being reader of ERE forum, I plan one day to mimic @2b1s (honestly, not to such degree, focusing on one cardio activity and getting simply bigger is my goal; yes I know basics for natural, it's about progresivelly lifting heavier objects, I'm very cautious about joints, because I consider working remote doing some shit with machines as semi blue collar).

No wife, no kids, like money, but not the smartest, glasses. Also this how West uses East graduates, type our potato engineering shools with Western European countries and (small, medium, mega)-corp and I bet you won't find slavic names (because I did this...). Before it turns into shitshow, when I'm good mood, I don't expect anything from anybody, I try to close my eyes and work on my shit.

Yes, working in local department of some (small, medium, mega)-corp would be better than current gig. Yes, it would be better in long term.
But it would be nice to join Western countries just a bit to test their healhtcare and joining their pension scheme. I'm sure I won't pension here.
Yes, this is peggy backing, but life is a bit different when you don't earn thousands of dollars per year.

No, I don't expect to have career path like some guys here, because they're outliers. But in meantime reading some @RJ posts critising unions was rather exercis in keeping being calm and... learning to deal wih my shit.

I don't consider maritime, because adding constant time changes is very shitty. Yes, I also tried to get informed on this in real life... and I was in audience with 60-80 maritime students and "the seller". "The leader" had to say politely that... he began to chopse Estonians for eckhm... he put this terms of loyalty. Polish guys started to jump to off shore business (platforms) with more confidence. I'm not racist (I hope so), it was never "my", "our" job, but somehow at the end of day, "physical" engineering is on level two of getting send to... more ambitious and succes hungry people (ok, even I can't believe this shit).

(as you see, I'm somehow daydreamer and I focused on describing my world view instead focusing on how to get more sheckles)

Work perspectives:

- I'm getting experience in somehow lucrative field (ok, just don't break my dreams, O&G is rather failing :lol:) living with my parents and not wasting time on commuting, in neutral to positive atmosphere
- it's APM role so on some level I'm part of burguise vain class. It's nice.
- I try to learn some gamesmanship to navigate in world of shars, it's more interesting that clicking faster in some CAD/CAE software

I-"m not designer (got chance to learn at work, failed on it, so I decided I close this path,
- nor CAE guy (don't get this),
-nor blue collar worker (this is to be considered, because in Scandinavia fitter X NOK per year, engineer 1,3X NOK per year and getting experience in PL, then in DE would be nice).
-I don't expect to receive fancy (A)PM role in foregin country. Their have their legions to promote.
-Yes, cliche of not moving away from your comfort zone plays a factor.
-Also, being in nearby of people who speaks the same language you have been using for 25yrs is nice benefit.
-I don't wanna to be dick, but yes as menial/blue collar worker I could have a bit better live in Germany/Austria, but I like some privileges of being white collar.
- Emigrating as white (eckhm) worker is a bit harder. I'm working on this.

I consider DE, AU. GB stopped liking emigrants.
CH.. eckhm let say I don't know the language.
I'm not part of global expat club, so I don't... tbh, it's rather they don't consider me.

I see I'm repeating myself, so definite time to click "submit" button. Also, I need way to kill this day dreamer persona. I somehow thought about coming to academia and having possibility to talk without responsibility for real results would be nice (as in addage of "those who really knows, they earn money, those who talk a lot goes to academia, people on verge go to consulting").

PS. Sorry cynicism. I know that IRL things are more complicated. I'm open to critic,

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Re: My thoughts

Post by Bankai » Wed Aug 07, 2019 5:57 pm

Everything is relative. If you have nice set up with living at home and walking everywhere, your SR even on average salary must be pretty good (>50%). On the other hand, living abroad even if only for a short time, opens eyes, fills with confidence and has potential to change life forever.

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Re: My thoughts

Post by Riggerjack » Thu Aug 08, 2019 7:41 am

But in meantime reading some @RJ posts critising unions was rather exercis in keeping being calm and... learning to deal wih my shit.
Glad I can help! :lol:

You seem oddly status (white collar vs blue) oriented in your career thinking.

I would argue that white collar tends to be better paid at the upper end, because they are more valuable to capitalists. And less so at the low end, for the same reason. The transition comes with a price, and that price doesn't seem to be one you are willing to pay.

I don't blame you, I didn't pay it either.

I would again advise you that in an environment of low wages, you would do better to develop a side business. It's not easy, but there is richer ore there, and the prices you have to pay are more clear.

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Re: My thoughts

Post by FIRE 2018 » Thu Aug 08, 2019 8:33 am

White collar vs blue collar , been there done that. White collar may get paid more but one must deal more with the BS corporate culture and in layoffs, usually the first to go. Blue collar may get paid less but don't need to deal with the more stress and politics of white collar. Blue collar are the grunts making $$ for the company so white collar at times tries to keep them motivated and happy. ( not always in the real world). And white collar is salaried pay so your life at times is your job. Blue collar can be very lucrative with overtime pay.

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Re: My thoughts

Post by Jean » Fri Aug 09, 2019 5:22 am

I know two polish Girls working 4 month a year in switzerland in agriculture they earn at least 3000 chf per month.

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Re: My thoughts

Post by 2Birds1Stone » Fri Aug 09, 2019 8:06 am

Jean, similar to what my parents did in the 70's. They picked strawberries in Norway and made more in 3 months than they could in Poland the remaining 9.

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Re: My thoughts

Post by Stahlmann » Sat Aug 24, 2019 6:32 pm

Yes. They earn a beautiful ideology, they talk about freedom, open borders and the free flow of knowledge, and there is really one reason: in cognitive capitalism, the winner takes everything, he is so powerful that protection from the state does not really interest him - except for the existence of courts and police guarding corporate property.,151003,250 ... z-sie.html

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Re: My thoughts

Post by Stahlmann » Sun Aug 25, 2019 4:41 pm

CW 34 done (more interesting stuff):
- 3x pool "trainings" 40 min. overall it's 3h left from life, but in longterm I assume to have better the rest 3h (assuming exchanging 6h daily PC usage)
- went to networking event hold by local chapter of some business association (big word, but I don't wanna find right one)
consider to fish for people for partner for sport, because this could real opportunity for getting to know "valuable"/motivated people
yes, local chieftains from larger firms enjoy golf/tennis/other type of faggotry (yes, sour grapes) and in the meantime fuck up small guys like me by just not paying us enough :lol:
prolly will describe a bit more later, need advice here

CW35 outline:
-> hope to sleep better
-> keep diet
-> no screens after 9PM (am failing atm at this -.-')
-> in work I struggle with fact that I receive simple tasks so asking for more means more simple tasks
it's not about that I wanna show off and become super star overnight.
but being involved in late primary school Excel usage won't make it cut my 40-45 ER plan.
my screen is visible to anyone who enters the room (and when boss sits on his place he sees one of two screens) and once after finishing my (easier) task I started to take a look on photos of systems in shop saved on disc(because I wanted to update with project execution). My boss told me "so you're not busy?". In real life it's easy to overtalk me and I didn't reply anything, because wanted that he "won" and felt "accomplished". I tend to create overcomplicated structures, but I need to find courage to say "I just wanted to learn something, as adage goes "overzeal is worse than fascism", so I didn't ask for task at 2:50 PM"
btw, I try to have 2-3 larger tasks on line anyway, so being "caught redhanded" sucks
I learnt not to be classic INTP and behave like "I'M DONE, GIMMIE MORE!!! *5 minutes later* I DON'T HAVE TASKS"

advice needed here

-> reconsider ways to get "likeability" (hope I spelt this correctly) points. I decided for ordered food after 16 months of work for first time. Regretted it. It was good, but 1.25 YMOL hr wage, prolly 1k kcal.
-- PM#1 - we like working out (as hobby), not together, hope not get infatuated
-- PM#2 - don't have idea how to be more macho according to locker's room culture. I didn't go for Rammstein concert with him, but could (I really disdain cashflow from poor->rich after enetering workforce). Need to find courage to say "The smallest dog is the most loud". I'm not sure if it's gonna calm him. Gonna finally set boundaries :angry:
-- PM#3 - we can discuss frugality. Others make fun of him... but he is amateur. Don't wanna know what they think about me :lol:. Anyway, he described the trick of using 24h gym ticket (go 00 and at 22). Amateur, it's possible to go 00- after work, 09- before next day of work, 22- after work.
-- BOSS - just be obidient slave, waiting to be noticed by senpai.
-> try to put any German learning blocks in the morning
- listen to German pop music I saved on my phone
-> hold German meetup, hope somebody shows up. I created event pretty late. btw, this is not my first time to do so.
-> go finally to TM meet up. Join.
-> use left entries on my pool ticket
-> rethink getting sport card for 09.2019
this gonna be fucking 120 000 in terms of savings
pls advise following calculation

this gonna pay itself if I use it at least 3 times per week (12 per month). I consider paid itself as 1 actvity/prolly 1-2h time for 1 hour of my unamortized YMOL wage (I don't wanna count amortized one...)

I consider using this as follow:

data per week
2x gym (for trainings+social) + 1x swimming
2x of some martial art (it's easier to bond with men)+1x swimming
1x of some dance+1x swimming + 1x gym

it's more about what market gonna offer
getting ticket won't be easy, I need to pair up with somebody who works in larger org

joining dance/martial art will only possible now (beginning of school year) or in next period
I have 3 semesters exp in krav maga, more interested in something where I could learn to subdue possible attacker (like judo)

In the past I usually failed after 0.75-1.5 month of dance classes. My coordination sucks. Got abandoned/ghosted 2 times.
Most successful was it when I paired with 30-35 yr mother who could have springboard for her marriage and prolly make angry her husband, here I prolly sustained up to 2,5 month. Summer break closed my Travolta career.

If we speak about motivation, it's more aout having something to do on social events. Getting to know new people is difficult on FT/after college so I need some crutch. This was plan for/from 10 yrs ago :lol:, seeing young people wasted week by week made my anally compulisve SXE. I got scored INTF recently.

I keep it real, I prolly could mimic some internet role model, but I think I'm not gonna change my habits so quick.

kick after paying for swimming ticket is immense, so I consider such extravagant spending. mainly for opening some social venues possibilites. yes, my SMV gonna be veeeery low anyway, but I'm maybe cryptofaggot, so I'm gonna enjoy hunky guys instead of sitting on internet.

yes, spending 80$ PPP/mo. can be difficult.

didn't have spelled checker turned on in browser, sorry.

looking for book describing how spies/special forces or other such people keep their mouth shut.

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