Early Retirement Extreme Forums

Ahh the holidays. A time when we "get to" (or "have to"?) be with family.

I have a mother who I believe is a compulsive talker (no diagnosis), and who also suffers from an anxiety disorder (diagnosed).

I am miserable and frustrated whenever I am around her. She worries and stresses about everything, and verbalizes her anxiety about everything to everyone around her, constantly, and repeatedly.

When she is around, there is never a moment of silence. It is almost as if she is allergic to silence. It doesn't matter what the talking about -- embarrassing stories about what I may have said or done when I was an infant or child, the mood of a particular employee at a retail outlet, personal and irrelevant details of some stranger she began talking with recently, or completely nonsensical (possible Tourettes Symdrom?) bullshit too. She is incapable of taking verbal cues from other that others may want to talk or may have had enough of listening to her. I cannot trust to tell her anything in-confidence, because she can't help herself to blab to everyone and anyone -- even complete strangers -- about private business/matters.

It is impossible for me to enjoy a movie on TV if she is in the same room, because she will either make nonsensical comments throughout the movie, or else she will only half-pay-attention to the beginning movie, and then later become interested in it and will talk over the movie dialog in order to ask questions to everyone about what is happening in the movie.

She is also very self-centered. Everything is about how she feels or what she needs. She never listens (or seems to care about) what anyone else has to say or what anyone else thinks or feels. If she is in ear-shot of other people who are having their own conversation, she will butt into it, interrupt the conversation, and tell other people what they should be doing instead. She is constantly interrupting people. Sometimes people have trouble even following what she is saying, as she pinballs from topic to topic.

OH, and heaven-forbid that anyone ever call her out on her behavior. So far, some of the "tactics" that I have observed after mentioning anything about her behavior (even if mentioned in a non-confrontational manner) is 1) making a joke about it and acting like it isn't a problem 2) deflecting the issue and comparing it to how someone else -- or me -- was so much worse at some point in the distant past or 3) enter a 'silence treatment' mode that is a deafening silence of terseness-with-everyone (hard to describe...) or 4) start crying and trying to invoke guilt that I am somehow a horrible son/person.

My sister has pretty much implemented a "zero contact protocol" with both of my parents for this reason (and some other reasons that I won't get into here...) So my mother tries to use this as a guilt mechanism that I should "treat her well" because I'm the only one left of her children who will interact with her.

Her behavior doesn't seem to bother my father much. He must be some kind of saint to put up with this shit (or possibly co-dependent?)
I get along fairly well with my father. But I can never have a real conversation with my father unless my mother is physically separate from us and nowhere near us. Otherwise, she interrupts the conversation and dominates the conversation, and I can never have time to say anything. I spend all the time being frustrated instead of being able to speak to finish a complete thought.

Had to make a rant, after a hellish week of them visiting (and staying with me.)

Step zero - accept it. Tune it out.

Step one - set boundaries with her. Let her know how she is burdening you. There are a surprisingly huge amount of things people do to others while never recognizing they are burdens. (some examples aside from described by OP: telling people secrets and relying on them to keep them secret, very vague communication when specifics are in their head (my mom does this a lot... she'll say something like "oh you take the thing that goes around the thing and do something with it", rather than actually say the words, and expect me to work out in my head what she means). You need to set these boundaries at a cool, level-headed time. Not when you are very annoyed with her.

Step two - after she's done a bunch of it, tell her in some way to stop. (For example, I've told people things like "Ok I'll come over, but I have a rule: you're not allowed to mention any of your exes a single time".. or "mom, ok.. ok.. I can't take any more complaining today. That's it.".... or "ahhhh, hey, just skip to the end of this story because I don't like hearing any of it".). It might seem like saying these is insensitive or whatever, but it is not. Clarifying your own boundaries to someone is a gift to them - you're letting them know what you are ok with and how to be nice to you.

After you set boundaries and she violates them (multiple times), do something. Leave the room. Stare off into the distance and stop listening.. etc. Use very clear but non insulting body language.

(I wrote the above before reading your entire post... you may need to just use a lot of step zero along with limiting your time with her)




For her - do whatever it takes to get her to read this book: The Untethered Soul. There is a total whirlwind shitshow going on in her brain, and she doesn't even realize it. It just seems normal to her. The book will help her recognize that it's not normal or good, and has advice on how to stop letting it control her so much, and to reduce it's intensity.

If she doesn't recognize her own conversational misbehavior, this is one book that might possible help (it's not specifically about this subject, so may not be the best, but it could still help her a lot. When I read it, it helped me to recognize a lot of small but important things going on in conversations): You Just Don't Understand: men and women in conversation.

(The Untethered Soul book is way more important for her to read than the second one, and she should only read the second book if she is getting her shit together in her own head and wants to do better with her outer communications).

That sounds unbearable. Your mom sounds like a toxic person.

Your sister may have the right idea.

During adolescence and young adulthood, I had this sense that I owed my parents in some sense for all the energy and resources they put into raising me. Now that I am a recent parent myself, my perspective is different.

Having a child was completely the choice of me and my spouse. My child had no choice and therefore doesn't owe me anything. I want to be an excellent parent because of love and because it is the right thing to do and because I want a long and healthy relationship. But it isn't about being paid back later.

I still feel like I owe my parents some kind of support should they need it, but it doesn't excuse bad behavior. I have the right to set boundaries.

Sedate her with some weed cookies.

Happy New Year!

@OP:
I feel your pain. One more day and the holiday season is over. It usually gets easier in January.

We know a couple who's husband can't shut the fuck up for one sacred fucking moment. We went out to dinner with them. In the middle of not being to shut the fuck up about himself in our conversation, his cell phone rang, which he unapologetically answered, and made us listen to him not shut the fuck up about himself in one way conversation. When that conversation ended, he said "Now where was I" and resumed not shutting the fuck up about himself directly to us again. He lays flooring for a living. Like carpet. On people's fucking stairs. I could at least pretend to give a shit about that under normal socially acceptable terms of discourse but not when a guy refuses to shut up about it and believes he's as interesting as James Bond or some legitimately interesting person. And when he says something funny, you resent it because you worried you might actually now have brain damage. Under no circumstances will I ever see them again. His tombstone should read "Finally Shut The Fuck Up."

It's not funny. It's torture. Sorry. Moms has to go.

Ask you dad out for a walk (or a drive or a fishing trip or whatever). Be honest to him with your frustrations about your mom. Ask him how he copes and ask him for advice.

hmm