INTJ Can't Relax Around People

How to explain ERE, arranging family matters
User avatar
Sclass
Posts: 1476
Joined: Tue Jul 10, 2012 5:15 pm
Location: Orange County, CA

Re: INTJ Can't Relax Around People

Post by Sclass » Tue Jan 08, 2019 9:47 pm

Hey, sorry if I was insensitive. If you’ve tried and it hasn’t worked out, well it is what it is.

I think I’m mixing up introversion with something like building up a liking for smelly soft cheese or fatty goose liver after a series of uncomfortable tastings. That was my experience but when I really think about some of my socially anxious friends IRL I realize no amount of “socialization” will fundamentally change their nature. We are all different.

Crazylemon
Posts: 201
Joined: Sat May 30, 2015 2:29 am

Re: INTJ Can't Relax Around People

Post by Crazylemon » Wed Jan 09, 2019 12:26 am

@sclass I don't think you were insensitive. Part of this is inherent in how introverted someone is but you are right to say trying is important otherwise it is easy to end up more and more isolated.

I have the same problem especially with people I don't know, don't really like, or larger groups. Close friends I don't have the issue with

But having had a people person job I can now sort of switch into an autopilot of small talk where I find something about the person/a topic they care about interesting. How to build that autopilot when it wasn't learnt on the job though I don't know. But certainly having to make small talk with people to put them at ease while performing a procedure means I can relax when making said small talk but not having to do a procedure. This goes back to what sclass was saying, practice/repeat exposure tends to help. Or maybe I am not a very good introvert.

Vexed's advice of be the one tidying/filling glasses at a part helps too and I have yet to have a host complain about doing it. ON a similar vein having activities at the same time helps. Talking is less pressured on a hike for example when there are also pretty surroundings to look at.

Scott 2
Posts: 1217
Joined: Sun Feb 12, 2012 10:34 pm

Re: INTJ Can't Relax Around People

Post by Scott 2 » Wed Jan 09, 2019 9:30 am

@sclass, no offense taken. Even as an introvert, I needed decades to both understand and accept the difference. I'd tell myself I was being lazy, not trying hard enough, needed to develop my skills, get used to it, etc. The fact is, American society rewards extroversion. By external measures of success, it seemed like I'd achieve more fighting my nature every day.

Career wise, I've done just fine giving that up. There is plenty of need for someone who will focus on a complicated problem for hours. The ceiling is lower than putting the same energy into relationships, but there is enough opportunity. The work pays plenty and is well respected. Since it is aligned with my nature, producing good results is far easier.

By external measures, my social experience is definitely stunted. What I finally came around to though, is if I don't want those experiences, I am not missing out. Just because other people desire them, that doesn't mean I enjoy them. This especially, can make more extroverted people crazy. I really don't want to dance at a wedding, I'm not just insecure about my moves. I don't want to attend a baseball game, I don't care that the seats are great. It doesn't matter that the band is doing a reunion tour and this is the last chance to see them, I will still suffer at the concert.

An upside, is keeping me happy is very inexpensive. Most of my favorite things are free or extremely low cost. I don't see "missing out" on big events as sacrifice, it is my preferred way to spend time. Really catering to my introversion might mean a $100 bottle of scotch, a session at the float tank, skipping public transit for a cab, paying to avoid the free day at a museum, etc. All indulgent, but not very costly in the grand scheme.

enigmaT120
Posts: 1062
Joined: Thu Feb 12, 2015 2:14 pm
Location: Falls City, OR

Re: INTJ Can't Relax Around People

Post by enigmaT120 » Sun Jan 13, 2019 10:11 pm

Jason wrote:
Mon Dec 31, 2018 9:27 am
I was talking to my therapist about these personality tests. I asked him "What type of personality is the douchebag who is too impatient to take the test?" He said not to worry about it, as personality is fluid and these things can be like horoscopes - you can find yourself in many categories.

I believe your issue is greater than personality. It has to do with health. And if it's mentally, emotionally, psychologically, physically unhealthy for you to be in certain situations, than you have an obligation to yourself to avoid them. That's how I justified not attending a Christmas function. Not that I'm a specific acronym who prefers different environments, but that these people are complete fucking assholes and being around them is distressing to me and therefore a threat to my health. At that point, not attending became non-negotiable and I did not lose time with them or time recovering from them or time giving a rat's ass about the implications of not being with them.

It's simply a matter of agency. What I think is simply more important than what other people think and what I think about myself is simply more important than what other people think about me. Christmas and the Holidays is just a cluster fuck of bullying psychological bullshit and I refuse to pay attention to people who base their lives around a mythological fat fuck in a red suit.
But what if they need you to sing "Joseph's Song" at church in the Christmas special? This year I let them down, I had a cough that wouldn't quit. But also I didn't want to go. No fat fuck in a red suit here, this is supposed to be the real reason for the season, though for me it's the fact that these short miserable days will start to become longer again.

Jason
Posts: 1828
Joined: Mon Jan 30, 2017 8:37 am

Re: INTJ Can't Relax Around People

Post by Jason » Mon Jan 14, 2019 6:23 am

This is something you are going to have discuss with the INTJ's when you get to Hell.

Post Reply