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Re: Ella's Journal

Posted: Sun Apr 18, 2021 3:41 pm
by ellarose24
7Wannabe5 wrote:
Sat Apr 17, 2021 3:17 pm
My point here being that perhaps you and I share a unique perspective on what drives consumption. For instance, we know that it isn’t completely societal because we’ve seen and/or experienced it being driven completely by hormonal influenced/influential chemicals with variety of triggers. In some ways, individuals with bipolar disease can kind of serve as canary in coal mine. Although, other important thing to note would be high correlation between this disease and intelligence/creativity. So, may warrant pause to consider possibilities related to “baby and bath water” if tendency is squashed completely. It seems so overly specific. Why does a chemical imbalance so frequently cause the symptom of shopping? It might be interesting to research how bipolar disease manifested in different eras or cultures.
I have many theories on this, none of them can I say are clear or make sense really. I sometimes think that bipolar mania is a dissociated state, only "opened" by a certain genetic structure, to deal with trauma. I think this must be a gray area that both sides refuse to acknowledge--those who say it is brain chemistry often refuse that trauma could do anything except "trigger" the manifestation of the illness, then of course you have those that think medicine is the new satan and trauma focus is the answer to all.

That is interesting you say the canary in the coal mine. I do feel that is true, because the emotional aspect of consumption is so disturbing, especially if you can see clearly how it is worked into your psyche from all the various ways you process information.

The intelligence and creativity I would imagine in rare cases serve a benefit to society at the cost of the individual. I am pretty sure most of my favorite authors were bipolar, and almost all died by suicide--or like Tolstoy, homeless on the streets.

I do know that schizophrenics in other cultures hear supportive and kind voices, while those in the US hear terrorizing, evil voices. The schizophrenics in other cultures can also be integrated into society more as an oracle or see-er. However, there are also groups of women who have been cast out of their villages and called witches for being (among many other things) mentally ill. So I think it's likely dependent on status no matter where you go. Those like Robin William are rewarded for their mania, but someone who is destitute would be looked down upon. In other countries and times, perhaps you are/were either a communicator with god (Margery Kempe comes to mind)--or a witch or warlock cast out from society.

Re: Ella's Journal

Posted: Sun Apr 18, 2021 4:21 pm
by ellarose24
I have been reading journal after journal and rereading Jacob's original posts--and I am a bit confounded at what just changing my consumption of information can do. I am also sad that I never paid attention to the fact that this movement was first started for environmental reasons, I think I must have just not cared previously--that is probably true.

It has been maybe 2 or 3 weeks where I have set a rule for myself to be very intentional with the media I consume. I have had to stop reddit altogether--even the forums that were in line with my values were filled with things that were not in line with my values. I am mostly committed to watching documentaries, finishing my ecology books, and this forum as the only semblance of social media, and it has been really good for me.

These are all very small things, but I think they were all inspired by reading others journals, and especially the fix-it thread or whatever it is called, where people were learning complex things like HVAC and I couldn't be bothered to fix my own toilet.

I think I would like to reflect at the end of each week what I am happy about and what I wish I had done better.

-Sewed my comforter back together. Was going to do this anyways, but now with my limited online time (another rule I have for myself) I am just looking for things to do.

-tightened the screws on our dining room table. M (can I just call my SO that?)--has been telling me we NEED a new dining room table because it was so wobbly. This I attribute specifically to the fix-it thread. It was as easy as turning the table around and tightening the screws. Jesus Christ, we were about to buy a new one because of THAT?! The only problem aesthetically is that the legs of both the table and chair have been chewed on by our dog when she was a pup. And they are made out of particle board. This dining room table is actually from walmart in my college days, but I get a lot of compliments on how "Shabby chic" it looks. LOL. Trying to think of how to replace the legs--I don't know, maybe wood glue and sanding or maybe even something creative with epoxy?

-We used the old fence post to create a raised bed. I am being hypocritical because my plan was to only utilize natives in my garden, however, I have a TON of seeds, and given I am focused solely on not spending money, I decided to use the seeds. I fully expect it will be a disaster, but it's fun anyways. Mostly filled up with compost and tree mulch from chipdrop--so completely free. It will likely only last a season, the fence posts are probably 20 years old. Eventually this area will be shaded, but that is far in the future as the cedar elms I've harvested are currently 4 inches tall.

-Because I kind of gave up on planting native this season, for various reasons, I tried planting sunflowers from my bird-seed bag. I'm not using it anymore, all I get are grackles and starlings. It was a wild success, and sunflowers will be better than lawn anyways. I am kind of tempted to just dump the bird seed all over the chips I just put on my lawn, feed the birds--why not to do it with plants that will renew themselves instead of the bird seed? That was my idea for natives anyways, this would be a cheap alternative and be more beneficial than creeping charlie. If and when I begin to buy the natives, (or the natives finally become large enough to plant)--I'll likely experiment in this way. I plan on planting possumhaw in this area in the future, but again, the seedlings are less than 4 inches tall.

Things I can learn from

-Gardening is teaching me all kinds of things. When I start a project, it is not organized, it's a wild mess and pure action. I'm solarizing a small section of my lawn, and I decided to do it after work in the rain. I quickly ripped apart the sod, threw cardboard down and threw mulch on top--5 wheelbarrows full. I thought back on how much of a mess, how inefficient, and how disorganized and panicked the whole thing was--and realized that is kind of how I always function. Instead, I should have made a plan. -Take all tape/plastic off cardboard. - cut cardboard into equal sizes -take time to dig up mulch, preferably not in the rain. -layer cardboard pieces neatly on top of each other. -take mulch out of care first, then pitchfork into wheelbarrow--and use gloves.

-The wildflower mix I got last year is mostly filled with naturalized flowers. I cannot lie, they are beautiful. Bachelor's button and fairy flax. There are some natives, but I am enjoying it. I feel guilty for enjoying it :)

-I moved my schedule to work late morning to after dinner. I do not know why I did such a thing, it is awful.

I will share a quick picture that made me happy. These are flowers and weeds from my garden, The--some kind of a species of dandelion started off yellow, obviously, and the blue was dark blue (bachelor's button). The blue faded to sky blue and the dandelion became puffy little clouds. It made me smile like crazy the morning.

Image

Re: Ella's Journal

Posted: Tue Apr 20, 2021 8:35 am
by ellarose24
I am going back through the very beginnings with "days" from the sidebar and am on reducing clutter.

I do have about 2 boxes of crap that I am going to try and sell. I have a bit of a hoarding problem.

This hoarding problem was only reinforced during the winter storm and power outages. All of a sudden the bubble wrap I had been keeping, foam, etc, was useful to insulate our shitty, energy inefficient windows.

After the winter storm, I started hoarding canned food and giant water jugs. It was a bit of a traumatic experience, and it messed with me--reinforced keeping stuff--keeping blankets and old clothes (what if I need to use these next time)--and a big plan to make our home more efficient and install a wood fire stove. I don't know how to step in and out of the realms of sort of traumatic existence (let's be honest, it really wasn't about survival--most people were fine--it was just another reminder that we cannot rely on larger systems).

I began getting into prepper forums afterwards and had plans to buy land in West Texas--why, I don't know, it's cheap and I was scrambling.

Events like that really knock me off the ledge and send me back mentally. I am VERY prone to victim status, I know that about myself. Victim status = fear = operating out of fear.

I have always thought books and bookshelves make a great insulator for a room. They also help with my sensory issues--I am, well probably autistic--but ultimately certain noises can make me have a full on break down, and the thought of a room lined with books soothes me.

These problems really stem from where I live. If I lived somewhere without neighbors that drive home at 10 PM and sit in their car for 30 minutes playing bass, I would not feel the need to enclose myself in what is essentially a self-created padded room.

I feel guilty getting rid of any clothes. I try to think of ways to repurpose and struggle to come up with any. And the winter storm still haunts me--we used whatever we could--clothes/towels/etc to line the doorways/windows/etc. I have all cloth material in a box in the attic for "just in case"--and I remember someone told me their grandmother told them to NEVER get rid of blankets--and how that helped them in the winter storm.

Ultimately, I am very close to becoming a hoarder. Tin cans, glass jars, plastic bags, bubble wrap--I keep it all with the thought that one day I will use it. I DID use yogurt cups and tin cans for seedlings this year, and I did use bubble wrap for the storm, and plastic bags I reuse for dog poop or even lined the side of my fence-picket-made garden box with food safe plastic I had saved.

One of my favorite documentaries is about a woman named Hannah Hauxwell who grew up in the great depression--she took care of a farm by herself. She was a hoarder, and I cannot blame anyone from that generation for being so. I sometimes find minimalism to be unthinkable and terrifying, and unprepared.

I think because of my childhood, I am ultimately very aware that the systems meant to help us do the opposite--and I have very little trust in them continuing. Covid to me was simply more of the same, as was the winter storm. Both I was completely prepared for, by being what is in essence a prepper (no toilet shortages or grocery rushes for me, in fact I had n95 masks by January, which I was then yelled at for taking away from nurses who had up until that point told me I was crazy).

So it is very hard for me have a mindset of giving things away at all, really. It feels like an unthinkable privilege. I seem to not be able to step outside the paradigm of some kind of survival situation. I know it is not doing me well, but all of the times that I have been right and said "told you so"--where all of my "stuff" came in handy? It's not easy to forget those either.

Okay--well lets put aside getting rid of stuff for now. If I AM going to keep things, what should I do with them? I mostly have older clothes. Make a patchwork blanket? I did read something interesting--denim, cotton, and wool are some of the best insulators for a home. I don't have enough, especially given most of my clothes are probably mostly plastic.

Well, I suppose the guilt and fear of giving anything away is more reason to buy as little as possible moving forward.

Re: Ella's Journal

Posted: Tue Apr 20, 2021 9:12 am
by Alphaville
i feel great giving things away. i feel terrible trashing them.

we recently gave our pandemic starch stocks to someone who distributed them among people in need. took a while to find recipients but well worth the effort instead of wasting. ugh! i hate to throw away food, or letting it spoil. nothing wrong with sharing.

giving away pandemic exercise gear too, was a temporary fix, do not want around, and a hassle to sell. don't need the money, someone else can use or sell, i need my space more at this point. private freecycle network i guess?

as for emergency prep i did collect cans and other things during pandemic. nothing wrong with that. here a cool story: http://samilitaryhistory.org/vol086db.html

minimalism caught me unprepared for the pandemic. i learned my lesson. goodbye minimalism! and hello risk management.

but as @qazwer says, insurance is expensive. there is a rational limit to prepping.

i think the difference between a hoarder and a saver is organization. a few select cans and bottles and camping supplies etc that fit in available real estate is good. a house full of random carboard piles with rats nesting underneath, nope.

if you can't find or use your stockpile it's no longer a stockpile but a trashpile. that's my heuristic to keep/discard.

Re: Ella's Journal

Posted: Tue Apr 20, 2021 1:17 pm
by Gilberto de Piento
How well insulated/sealed is your house? You've discussed having problems keeping the house cool in hot weather and warm in cold weather. Having the house insulated and sealed against air movement up to modern standards, if not already done, will have a big impact on temps and comfort and will make any heating / cooling system more efficient. If you have a 50s to 80s ranch house don't assume because it looks like a modern house it is good. If they haven't been updated/maintained there is probably a lot of room for improvement.

Even just improving the worst parts can make a significant difference if there are big problems. Finding and sealing drafts can be a good DIY project if you like that sort of thing. A lot of people do their own attic insulation too though it is obviously much more work. Some places will provide a free or subsidized energy audit to help you find the problems and/or will give tax breaks or subsidize improvements.

Re: Ella's Journal

Posted: Tue Apr 20, 2021 2:35 pm
by ellarose24
Thanks Gilberto! I have definitely wanted to make upgrades to our insulation--windows, doors, and attics. I was actually up in the attic yesterday and saw a hole that I can see the outside from! :cry:

The more I research, the more overwhelmed I become. Perhaps I need to work on step by step ways. To be honest, I don't even trust contractors anymore. Everyone does shitty jobs that I find out about later. If I can ensure they are doing a good job, I'd be willing to fork out the money, but if my half assed job is going to equal their half assed job--why not.

The only concern with the attic is that there's electrical up there that I don't understand. Again, I just feel overwhelmed. We had a hail storm and I think I should get my roof fixed first--that's a lot of money. The siding needs to be replaced. Insulation needs to be blown through the walls. And everything I want is expensive--a metal roof for better rain catchment, more insulating siding, and wool or denim as the insulation material. I'm unsure what I need to absolutely leave to professionals--who I don't trust--and what I can safely handle on my own.

Our house was built in the early 2000s, but if you know anything about Texas--it is likely not even up to code. I've found shoddy workmanship just about everywhere I've looked. I don't think our vents for instance even go to the roof--just go into the attic so I'm worried about mold as well.

BIG projects I want:

New roof
Insulation
storm windows
new/screened doors
attic fan

I have zero carpentry skills. M is not inclined in that way either, but he does have more logic and common sense than me, but no desire to spend time learning these things.

I did find a megaphone pinned to my roof beams when I went into the attic. Why would we have something like that? For some reason that greatly disturbed me.

Re: Ella's Journal

Posted: Tue Apr 20, 2021 3:59 pm
by Alphaville
ellarose24 wrote:
Tue Apr 20, 2021 2:35 pm
And everything I want is expensive--a metal roof for better rain catchment, more insulating siding, and wool or denim as the insulation material.

[…]

Our house was built in the early 2000s, but if you know anything about Texas--it is likely not even up to code. I've found shoddy workmanship just about everywhere I've looked. I don't think our vents for instance even go to the roof--just go into the attic so I'm worried about mold as well.
i have to ask, because i've faced similar decisions with my cabin... is this a place where you're going to plant roots, stay long-term? or is this just the house you have right now? because i read elsewhere that you lived in colorado... not tempted to go back?

because, if this is just a temporary residence... i'd just keep it all on "texas code" and go with the cheapest fix. no need to waste money on denim insulation and top materials that might not even be valued in the sale appraisal? plug that hole the cheapest way, skills acquired/achievement unlocked, do next repair in list?

Re: Ella's Journal

Posted: Tue Apr 20, 2021 5:54 pm
by ellarose24
Part of this is that survival mentality..

We want land--very badly. But I feel guilty for wanting land, and I feel like we should not leave this house until it is paid off. Furthermore, I feel like I should be content with a small house is suburbia--even though I'm not. I'm trying to learn to be happy with what I have and all of that.

I am actually thinking about renting it. I have a "grand plan" that I haven't posted about because it is really just a dream--of buying up houses, making them as energy efficient as possible, and planting native on their front lawn. It would really not be that cost effective, but it's sort of a way to maybe eek some sort of income and still convince myself I'm making a difference. I do know, if I was a landlord, I would not want to cut corners. I also know that means my profit would be very small, and that I would need large cash reserves before even thinking about it.

So right now the answer is--I don't know. Ultimately, the dream is to have land, lots of land, far away from humans. I'm sure that's the dream for a lot of people though.

(I read about an interesting trend between high altitudes and mental illness--including suicide--and it's kind of put me off. I also HAVE learned to love the minutiae of prairie and woodlands of oak--and while it doesn't make my heart stop like the rockies--I think it's almost symbolic of my recent stability.)

Well, that exercise did help. I think perhaps the plan right now should be--repair what needs to be repaired as cheap as possible until we actually figure out what we want.

Re: Ella's Journal

Posted: Tue Apr 20, 2021 6:28 pm
by white belt
ellarose24 wrote:
Tue Apr 20, 2021 5:54 pm
We want land--very badly. But I feel guilty for wanting land, and I feel like we should not leave this house until it is paid off. Furthermore, I feel like I should be content with a small house is suburbia--even though I'm not. I'm trying to learn to be happy with what I have and all of that.

So right now the answer is--I don't know. Ultimately, the dream is to have land, lots of land, far away from humans. I'm sure that's the dream for a lot of people though.

Well, that exercise did help. I think perhaps the plan right now should be--repair what needs to be repaired as cheap as possible until we actually figure out what we want.
I think it is a common feeling among some people living in suburban/urban areas to want to move to the countryside. I also know there are many people who move to the country and realize they hate it (grass is always greener). What are your issues with suburbia? Why do you want land far away from humans?

I’m in agreement with Alphaville that I would focus on fixing the most important house issues first in an economically sensible way. There is no point in dumping a bunch of money into turning your house into an eco paradise if you might move soon.

Have you tried setting up a rainwater harvesting system yet? Yes, metal roofs are ideal for water quality, yet if you are just using a system to irrigate your garden or for other things around your property, then water quality likely won’t be an issue. You can set up a barrel connected to your current down spout and get a solution that is usable right away. Then you can always upgrade your roof down the line if needed. Iterative solutions and such. Also easily reversible if you move.

Re: Ella's Journal

Posted: Tue Apr 20, 2021 7:10 pm
by Alphaville
ellarose24 wrote:
Tue Apr 20, 2021 5:54 pm
I have a "grand plan" that I haven't posted about because it is really just a dream--of buying up houses, making them as energy efficient as possible, and planting native on their front lawn.

[...]

So right now the answer is--I don't know. Ultimately, the dream is to have land, lots of land, far away from humans. I'm sure that's the dream for a lot of people though.

high altitudes and mental illness [...] the minutiae of prairie and woodlands of oak--and while it doesn't make my heart stop like the rockies--I think it's almost symbolic of my recent stability.)
oh, you just mentioned your eco-village vision in the "food and climate change" thread. it's a nice idea and i like it.

but this relates to what i'm gonna say next--while i like the eco-village idea, do you think you have the right demographic for it where you live?

because going from colorado to texas i mean culturally, not in terms of landscape. i don't think i could live in a red state :lol:

anyway here in my state where old hippies with money abound there is a village of earthships outside of taos. but here we have the demographic for it. weed is not yet legal here though :lol: but this state has been leaning blue for a while now. we value science and what not :lol: also we have housing code for adobe, straw bale, and other stuff.

me i am not an old hippy though and need a bigger city than my state can provide... so i want to go back to the east coast. can't buy a home in a city here.

but we have a (cheap) house in the boonies here (not in taos though). and it's nice but... eventually it gets boring, and we like unusual friends and high density diverse populations with big network effects and 24/7 open places one can walk to :lol:

but it's beautiful to come and rest for a while. we just can't rest forever. nevertheless, a good place for earthships, permaculture, that sort of thing. particularly in the north of the state, next to colorado.

ps west texas is all about the oil, no? ultra-red too...

--

eta: check out these places: https://earth911.com/home-garden/ecovil ... -examples/

Re: Ella's Journal

Posted: Wed Apr 21, 2021 7:49 am
by ellarose24
white belt wrote:
Tue Apr 20, 2021 6:28 pm
I think it is a common feeling among some people living in suburban/urban areas to want to move to the countryside. I also know there are many people who move to the country and realize they hate it (grass is always greener). What are your issues with suburbia? Why do you want land far away from humans?


Have you tried setting up a rainwater harvesting system yet? Yes, metal roofs are ideal for water quality, yet if you are just using a system to irrigate your garden or for other things around your property, then water quality likely won’t be an issue. You can set up a barrel connected to your current down spout and get a solution that is usable right away. Then you can always upgrade your roof down the line if needed. Iterative solutions and such. Also easily reversible if you move.
-I have pretty severe sensory problems when it comes to what seems to be human-induced noise. Cars, people's bass, kids playing basketball. This has me in fight/flight mode almost 24/7. This is in suburbia, in the city it was worse. Animal and nature noises for the most part don't bother me, except coyotes and cougars--but those noises are typically infrequent enough in the country. And even "the country" is turning into 10 acre plot homesteads. Sad.

I did, years ago, buy some sort of rain barrel off of amazon. When I received it, it talked about it not being safe in california and not drinkable due to... LEAD!? :shock: I still set it up, and use it for my tree and some ornamental plants when we're in a drought. I don't know if even that is good.

Re: Ella's Journal

Posted: Wed Apr 21, 2021 8:09 am
by ellarose24
Alphaville wrote:
Tue Apr 20, 2021 7:10 pm
oh, you just mentioned your eco-village vision in the "food and climate change" thread. it's a nice idea and i like it.

but this relates to what i'm gonna say next--while i like the eco-village idea, do you think you have the right demographic for it where you live?

because going from colorado to texas i mean culturally, not in terms of landscape. i don't think i could live in a red state :lol:
I have been struggling with this quite a bit too.

I did not find the people in colorado, and perhaps I was not looking, but I did not like them any better. I may just be a misanthrope. Or it may be that I lived primarily in Boulder (Trust fund hippies) and the tech center. Most of the friends I made ended up being conservative, strangely enough. I was kind of sick of being asked who I voted for once my state was mentioned, told "oh you dont SEEM like a Texan" because I have no thick accent and am not "ignorant" enough for their stereotypes, and the general uppity feeling I got from people there towards everyone else.

It almost bred me into one of those obnoxious "Texas is the best country in the world" because the constant ignorance towards it made me put off altogether.

I am torn. There are parts of Texas that I love, and there are blue parts of Texas, in fact I'm in one of them. But there is no denying the conservative veins that run throughout the state. It does sometimes feel profoundly lonely, and I am most certainly the weird gardening lady on my street. But part of me also is sick of moving perpetually, and thinks there is something good and needed for changing where you are, not moving to a place that has already changed. I'm sure there are a small amount of people like me here, and if we all got together there might be an example for the other weirdos.

Environmentally, places like CO do not need help with their policies and public education. I have, after researching my native ecoregion heavily, absolutely fallen in love with the nature here--and it is far more important to spend my money and time protecting the small remnants left rather than move to CO where they have a bike lane all the way from Denver to Boulder (sometimes you'd see a texan or Californian try to drive in it LMAO).

There is also, a Southern type of hippie that I fit in with far more than urbanite hippies or hippies that moved to CO. Austin would be the best "feeling" of this. "Weird" is the best descriptor for me. I do have plans moving potentially closer to Austin or the hill country. My dream would be Terlingua (big bend)--it was a hippie haven/art community but it's kind of being ruined by tourism now too.

I get along with red people pretty well as long as we don't talk politics. There are a lot of ranchers that are more eco-minded than most and more knowledgable too. If I were to move anywhere, I think it would be in the Appalachias. I love those people more than anyone. But for now, I feel Texas really needs to be my home. The specific area in Texas that I live is just about the worst as far as suburban sprawl and culture, right in the middle of the Bible Belt. But I like standing out, and I think being the weird neighbor with a garden in her front yard, wildflowers, and I'm planning on building a "little library" to fill with books about prairie and such for the kids--probably more of an impact, even if it's one kid, than moving to CO.

A little girl the other day stopped by two weeks ago to ask if she could help pull out weeds. She spent the time we were weeding talking about how depressed she was and how she has no friends due to covid and spends her time perpetually online because she was bullied. I helped her identify blue bonnets from creeping charlie and I hope she's been able to see what the flowers have turned into now. I left some tin cans with radishes growing in them for her. I don't know, even if I don't have an eco-village or whatever, having even one yard that is different and filled with color and interest is itself an amazing educational tool for kids who, in this culture, are taught to never escape the norm outside of their chemically laden suburban lawns.

The other issue is that making friends does not seem to be easy for me no matter where I go. I used to think I would find my "tribe" or whatever--but that does not happen for me. I do truly believe I am on the spectrum--and I'm okay with that. But moving won't solve my me problem, ultimately. In the meantime, I have joined foraging groups, meditation and rock climbing groups, kayaking, and even the episcopal church (despite not being religious)--and plan to do so again when I get my second vaccine. All of those places had remnants of weirdos like me.

Or maybe this is all a giant cope.

Re: Ella's Journal

Posted: Wed Apr 21, 2021 8:26 am
by Alphaville
ellarose24 wrote:
Wed Apr 21, 2021 8:09 am
Or maybe this is all a giant cope.
:lol:

might be, but reads like a lovely explanation and acceptance of reality, and very well thought out. i agree with trying to make a difference where you are. we did get to a point where we burned out though.

e.g., also true about many ranchers being more environmental than most "liberals". here in my state there's an organization called the quivira coalition which is ranchers and environmentalists joining forces to restore habitats. they invited a rancher family from north dakota (or was it south?) that has develop a new system of herding cattle than mimics bison behavior and melds well with their prairie vegetation.

unfortunately, where we were, i.e. hyperlocal, people are still stuck in the 1950s, and wont budge an inch when presented with "weird ideas." :lol:

and so we left, like many young people do, lacking options. but anyway, i don't say this to mean that you have to :lol: . it's just a case that we personally reached our limit and threw our hands up in the air (we still have the place there, but it's no longer our residence).

everywhere you go there are constraints and tradeoffs of course. eg, i have no illusions about snobby east coasters and their careerism--but i delight in the life of the anonymous flâneur. so we're trying to eventually head back while we still can, and colonize the margins rather than join the mainstream.

anyway sounds like you're very well tuned to your surroundings, which is the essential thing. wishing you all the best with your place.

btw a number of folks here have experience with construction so don't be afraid to ask in the skills section.

Re: Ella's Journal

Posted: Wed Apr 21, 2021 5:01 pm
by chenda
ellarose24 wrote:
Wed Apr 21, 2021 8:09 am
But I like standing out, and I think being the weird neighbor with a garden in her front yard, wildflowers, and I'm planning on building a "little library" to fill with books about prairie and such for the kids--probably more of an impact, even if it's one kid, than moving to CO.
I love this idea, leading by example and improving an area by doing this sort of thing. I was diagnosed with a Borderline Personality Disorder last year and a lot of what you write resonates with me.

I have never been to Texas (except for one Interesting night in Dalhart) but I think there is much to be said for staying where you feel you can contribute to and engage with the most. Or maybe you could split your time between Texas and somewhere else for a nice balance.

Re: Ella's Journal

Posted: Thu Apr 22, 2021 9:00 am
by ellarose24
This forum is bringing back many of my early-20s dreams. I was determined to live in a van, or even my subaru, when I moved to CO for instance. I also went through large spats of extreme minimalism and did things that were frowned upon by others--in fact a lot of things were attributed to mania when I do not believe it is the case at all--things such as using only candles for light and washing clothes by hand. I had forgotten that this forum allowed such trains of thoughts, so have been somewhat filtering myself to not come across as crazy. I am now realizing that this forum supported my crazy, and I'm wondering what the hell happened in the meantime. For example--discussing my toilets several entries back and mentioning how I need to turn the water on and put my hand in the tank to close the flap before flushing I was embarrassed to type out, but now reading back I realize the judgement from this space would be more on me buying a new toilet instead of figuring out how to replace the flappy thing.

I have a lot of ideas and dreams that I have learned to squash, and I am having fun reading these forums and seeing other's creativity--making me feel like that's something I can do too. I would, for instance, love to get rid of the microwave. I have even began to think about getting rid of the dryer, or MAYBE even the washer and dryer. I will not do these things anytime soon, I am going to slowly introduce these thoughts to our household and prove they can be done before mentioning removing anything--and i am not going to force him into anything he is not comfortable with. He does not like engaging in grand ideas, but when it comes down to it, he is infinitely more sustainable and frugal than I am. I tend to engage in flights of fancy but he is rock steady. So maybe JUST the dryer, and thinking about how much extra space that simple act brings makes me very happy.

Aesthetically, I have long had dreams of free standing cabinets, hutches, and pantries--and a long work table--more like kitchens pre 1920s. I also really don't like having "open" spaces, our kitchen has a large window that looks into the living room, I'm thinking of covering that after reading others talks about outdoor kitchens and keeping homes efficient in summer heat.

But, what is different now--and what I'm having a lot of fun observing the difference in, is the patience I have to implement these ideas. It's also something new when it comes to frugality, gardening, etc. Impulse is likely the biggest problem of my disorder. Why not ease myself back into these thoughts slowly, make sure they stick and it's not a simple fantasy I'm engaging in, and slowly change our home? This month, we are focusing on keeping electricity down since we decided to go without AC. I've gardened only with what I have, no big projects and buying to try and make our home green all of a sudden.

This small habit approach, which I only learned recently for myself, has been doing amazing things for me. I am realizing I have to take a lot of what is said in the blog about your 20s with a grain of salt, as I think emotionally and maturity wise I am 10 years behind, and I am okay with that--just very grateful to even be at this point.

Last year, the most ill I had ever been for instance, my step count on my phone shows an average of about 300. I was also beginning to get hypertension and my joints were locking up if I did decide, in a manic frenzy, to have activity in my life. Doctors were convinced I had RA or Lupus but all tests came back negative--I think it was actually that I was really that unhealthy and the extreme amount of stress the online spaces I was in were bringing me. I was in some radical feminist spaces, often going out of my way to argue with others, and received hate groups revolved around me and doxxing attempts with threats to rape me several times over. Why I spent my time here, I don't know. Easier than actually doing something with my life I suppose. I would order takeout for every meal, sometimes totaling $60 or more a day.

My first goal was to delete the app (discord) I was spending my time on and take my medicine consistently. Those were my only goals for a month. Then brushing my teeth once a day, then eating one handful of raw greens. Right now I have about 12 habits (I add 2-3 each month) and have been consistent for 6 months. I am doing something as simple as "walking 5k steps"--and have lost 10 lbs just from these very small habits.

The other BIG thing I've realized is that someone sharing my values does not make them a good person or a worthy suitor. I was always largely bitter and judged M--I wanted someone who had big dreams and "things they cared about." When we broke up, I dated two such people. One was a man-boy obsessed with permaculture and green design. He was, as far as I can tell, a reformed incel and was also 60k in debt while living in a trailer park with his father. His mom would buy him lbs and lbs of organic produce and then we would slowly smell it rot in his trailer. He was also a drunk, and I paid for everything. Having just moved to CO, he was the first person I had ever met that was into "these" types of things, and was enthralled, only to realize your interests don't make you a great person. (Uh-oh--perhaps subconsciously I began to self reflect on this, but not without many more mistakes to be made).

I then dated a man in his mid 40s who seemed like a dream. He live in the Pacific NW and had a pack of goats that he'd take elk hunting with him on multi week long excursions. He was extremely handsome, seemed stable, and seemed at the least financially responsible in the way most of culture deems responsible. I noped out of there pretty quickly as all signs pointed to fetishizing my youth (at the time)--(talks of my "cute little body," baby talk, etc etc). Despite being non-religious, he quoted things such as the wife "loving, honoring, and OBEYING" and wanted me to move up and live with him within several months of talking. He told me having a child would cure me of my mental illness. LOL

After these experiences I had the SHOCKING revelation that someone's interests and dreams says nothing about the kind of partner or even person they are. It made me self reflect--I had often, I believe subconsciously and smugly, believed I was better than others because my interests were more interesting and my dreams more grand. Looking back, I believe I was really a selfish and shit person to most people around me. My interests were largely dissociative fantasies that I never took any action on, or when I did, it was without intention and was mostly just a future mess to clean up. I dragged people in my life with me on these projects whether they wanted on or not, and they never saw completion. I was then frustrated as I got the knowing smile and nod when my next grand project was explained. I think it was the realization of the above that led me to the very awful... slump? What would I call it--not sure. Perhaps I can call it "Death of the ego" and try and feel good about the fact that a year of my life was wasted in such a way.

So it feels like a very fresh read on this mindset that I am revisiting in this wonderful community. The realization that the choices made in these journals are done very intentionally, with purpose and thought--and not a string of impulsive actions meant to escape. My impulse before prevented me from ever making any actual change, besides my savings rate being higher than normal in my early 20s. ERE at that point in my life was selfishly about escape and it was often used as a tool to further isolate me (not going to bridesmaid showers/reception dinners/get-together/family trips with M's family) and look down on others meanwhile doing nothing myself. I recognize now there is another type of capital--which is social capital. Being different may knock off some points from that, it's true. But being a selfish asshole with no regard for anyone else will have you in debt before you even get started, and that's where I was before, wrongly prescribing the debt to my simple "difference" than others and not, what I almost think was intentional--the impact of being a narcissistic shit-bag with no regard for other boundaries, wants, dreams.


Part of my ERE goal is to have M in my life forever--for several reasons but mostly because I love him. Other reasons include the ease of having another person to rely on and share the burden of saving and spending. His steadfast stability and presence in my life is an extreme benefit for my mental health. I have struggled with this as I felt it was anti-feminist but I really don't think there is anything anti-feminist about the realization that in order to keep someone in your life, you should probably make it worth it to them. There are probably better ways of saying that like "You need to show appreciation and feel like you are in a partnership"--but my stupid brain did not realize that your external actions impacted people more than your internal feelings, and that internal feelings are not the dictator of reality. So instead of feeling self pity that my joints hurt and spending three days in bed, not contributing to either rent, cleaning, or cooking--I make sure to do everything I can so my joints feels okay, I cook as often as I can, I try and make his life easier. My old feminist groups would be appalled, but they would have overlooked that while in my "slump" M was paying all of the bills, cooking all of the meals, cleaning, taking care of the dogs.

I do have to look at things this way--more, erm. Well, I don't know these things intuitively, or didn't. "If you are a net negative in someone's life, they will dislike you" :o Who knew. I feel that with Mark, I am in a huge debt as far as social capital goes. He graciously does not bring this up, and still does things like brings me coffee in the morning or buys me flowers (yes, yes, very capitalist) when I'm having a bad day. I actually tend to cry when I think about the fact that he has, for some reason--decided to stick by me through my illness and also my plain shittiness. It was not until very recently that I began to accept this was due to something good that I cannot yet understand--some abstraction like "love"--perhaps tinged with codependency or whatever else--but ultimately I mean it is not done with malicious intent or machiavellian schemes. That is a big shift for me.

I have read that CPTSD and Autism are sometimes indistinguishable as far as traits go--but I want to preface that I understand for most people the above is "how to be a human 101." I sometimes truly wish I did have a manual like that. The important thing for me is to stop focusing on labels of why I am the way I am, or feeling pity, but taking action. I feel mental health advocacy, affirmative therapy, etc etc--did nothing but make me a perpetual victim and increased my selfish narrative. ERE also helps combat that--the toilets broken WAH, don't want to spend money WAH, everything is going wrong WAH WAH WAH. Then I see someone like 7wannabe's journal of demoing and redoing an entire house, and having fun doing it. Perhaps this culture encourages victimhood because that increases dependence and consumption--but for some reason I thought the mental health community would not be impacted. My time spent deep in the trenches of mental health advocacy left me far worse than I was before. I have to be careful here, though, because I start questioning meds as well--and I cannot afford to do that.

Re: Ella's Journal

Posted: Thu Apr 22, 2021 10:03 am
by white belt
ellarose24 wrote:
Wed Apr 21, 2021 8:09 am
I get along with red people pretty well as long as we don't talk politics. There are a lot of ranchers that are more eco-minded than most and more knowledgable too. If I were to move anywhere, I think it would be in the Appalachias. I love those people more than anyone. But for now, I feel Texas really needs to be my home. The specific area in Texas that I live is just about the worst as far as suburban sprawl and culture, right in the middle of the Bible Belt. But I like standing out, and I think being the weird neighbor with a garden in her front yard, wildflowers, and I'm planning on building a "little library" to fill with books about prairie and such for the kids--probably more of an impact, even if it's one kid, than moving to CO.

A little girl the other day stopped by two weeks ago to ask if she could help pull out weeds. She spent the time we were weeding talking about how depressed she was and how she has no friends due to covid and spends her time perpetually online because she was bullied. I helped her identify blue bonnets from creeping charlie and I hope she's been able to see what the flowers have turned into now. I left some tin cans with radishes growing in them for her. I don't know, even if I don't have an eco-village or whatever, having even one yard that is different and filled with color and interest is itself an amazing educational tool for kids who, in this culture, are taught to never escape the norm outside of their chemically laden suburban lawns.
I live in a slightly more urban area but it is also lots of concrete and lawns (pop density 2.5k per mile). I’ve had similar thoughts about how I can have a much more positive impact growing things here than if I was on a farm in the country. For example, when my neighbor saw my potato buckets and container bed earlier this week, she said it inspires her to grow some of her own stuff. There are just more people around to see what you are doing, so you can have a greater influence on the community from a numbers perspective.

I’m also of the opinion that the prototypical family moving back to the land isn’t the most sustainable (or replicable) model, yet this sort of thing is what dominates the YouTube homesteading space. I’d like to find more people that are intensively growing food at homestead scale in an urban environment in the US. Basically there’s Rob Greenfield’s work from when he lived in San Diego and Orlando, then a bunch of one off house tours in Australia with the occasional US house tour (like the family in Pasadena I linked elsewhere).

Re: Ella's Journal

Posted: Fri Apr 23, 2021 5:06 pm
by ellarose24
I was unfortunately reminded yesterday that I am mentally ill. I had what I call a "freakout." This happens when my senses become overloaded so I end up in a state of panic, usually run to a closet or other area that has no noise/lights/etc. So I left work (my room) an hour early, sat in the tub crying with M thoroughly confused as always, and went to sleep at 7:30 PM exhausted waking up at 8 today.

This very much concerns me. I was flirting with going for a promotion, but this happened and again made me realize that even the small stress of my current job was too much. I simply cannot have stress. I decided to take today off as well--it is a very fine line between knowing when to take time off and allowing myself to take time off, but I know if I don't get a handle on it RIGHT NOW I will soon be jumping off the deep end and no coming back.

The desire to live on as little as possible is making more sense--as if I do ever have to go on disability or the like I will be okay. In the meantime, bulking up my savings will protect me if I ever do have to go through the lengthy appeals process. I am not anywhere near that point yet, but I have to recognize that no matter how good I'm doing, the bad can spring up at any time.

I tried to think of what caused yesterday to be particularly bad. I had eaten A LOT of cake, as my birthday was before. So sugar and coffee was my fuel for the day. There were people working on 3 of our neighbors roofs. Kids playing basketball. When I finally lost it was when the neighbor started playing drums. While I have been diagnosed bipolar, they have not diagnosed me with ASD--instead saying broadly I have a "sensory processing disorder" which I suppose is all of the symptoms of autism minus social (I have also heard that is just females with autism, but whatever). The main point is that there are times when my senses are so overwhelmed that I have experiences like yesterday. The good thing is, this is typically a marker of stress which can also clue me into my other disorder (bipolar) and take action immediately.

Starting tomorrow I am:

-no long drinking coffee or any processed sugar. At all.
-having 30 minutes of "sensory deprivation"--I may actually make this an hour (30 in the morning and 30 at night). I will be wasting a lot of water, but I'm not beating myself up. Hot bath with the lights off.
-I have a feeling that the internet--the speed at which I consume different ideas, the news, fear, anger, maybe even blue light--is not good for me. I am going to limit my online time to 1 day a week for only 1 hour a day.
-Adding yoga in 30 minutes a day

I typically like to add my habits in much more slowly, but I am a bit terrified after this recent... whatever it was. It is reminiscent of me last year. I am doing everything I can to NOT file FMLA and to NOT take too much sick time to be labeled "unreliable." I need to make some major changes ASAP.

I have decided my spending goals will be related to my networth. Right now, my network is just about $100K (waiting on my 401k checks to get to my new broker). So without my career I can really only afford $4000 a year. Obviously I am living on a lot more than that, but I like the idea of that being what I can "afford." I still had some amazon orders coming in this month from previous orders--but it will soon be the last of it.

I have thoroughly cleaned an antique makeup organizer--all silver, that was passed down from my grandmother as well as a vanity mirror. I organized my bathroom pantry and listed various things for sale on craigslist. I plan on making an inventory of the pantry and somehow plugging it into excel to go shopping from. I have, for instance, 10 or so bottles of different kinds of lotion--same with almost everything. I'd like to make it a habit of "searching" my inventory before buying anything else.

I fixed our toilet. About 3 hours of work, needed to saw through the rusted nails to get the tank off. I feel very accomplished and saved us some serious money. And got point from M for my thriftiness. He told me that I was the de-facto man of the house, lol.

The hoarder in me refuses to throw out usable things, including makeup--despite the fact that I don't wear makeup. I am keeping a small bag of "fancy time" makeup, and the rest I'm forcing myself to use now. Might be useful for returning back to work.

My project this weekend will be moving my desk into the closet to reduce all outside noises. I feel a lot of shame, embarrassment, etc etc with how "weird" I am and moving my desk to the closet emphasizes that. But I gotta do what I gotta do.

Re: Ella's Journal

Posted: Fri Apr 23, 2021 6:19 pm
by white belt
ellarose24 wrote:
Fri Apr 23, 2021 5:06 pm


I tried to think of what caused yesterday to be particularly bad. I had eaten A LOT of cake, as my birthday was before. So sugar and coffee was my fuel for the day. There were people working on 3 of our neighbors roofs. Kids playing basketball. When I finally lost it was when the neighbor started playing drums. While I have been diagnosed bipolar, they have not diagnosed me with ASD--instead saying broadly I have a "sensory processing disorder" which I suppose is all of the symptoms of autism minus social (I have also heard that is just females with autism, but whatever). The main point is that there are times when my senses are so overwhelmed that I have experiences like yesterday. The good thing is, this is typically a marker of stress which can also clue me into my other disorder (bipolar) and take action immediately.

Starting tomorrow I am:

-no long drinking coffee or any processed sugar. At all.
-having 30 minutes of "sensory deprivation"--I may actually make this an hour (30 in the morning and 30 at night). I will be wasting a lot of water, but I'm not beating myself up. Hot bath with the lights off.
I’m sorry to hear about the bad day. I am neurotypical as far as I can tell, so feel free to disregard my recommendations if they aren’t applicable.

Is it possible for you to wear noise cancelling or blocking headphones while working? I worked in one of those trendy open floor plan offices for a few months and hated it because I need silence to focus on hard technical problems. I used these: https://www.amazon.com/3M-Peltor-Earmuf ... ljaz10cnVl

The higher the decibel reduction the better so you may want to go with this model worn by people who work on airport runways: https://www.amazon.com/3M-Peltor-Over-E ... 406&sr=8-4

Another option for your sensory deprivation breaks that may be more practical than baths multiple times a day is to construct some kind of sensory deprivation setup that you can just put on for a few minutes at a time. Maybe not the most cheerful example, but I believe the standard used for transporting prisoners to extralegal camps like Guantanamo Bay is blacked out ski goggles, earmuffs like the ones I linked above, face mask, and mittens to cover the hands.

Re: Ella's Journal

Posted: Fri Apr 23, 2021 6:52 pm
by ellarose24
Hi whitebelt--they are good recommendations! my normal setup when not at work is: Earplugs or the fancy noise cancelling airpods, Expensive sony noise cancelling over the ear headphones, and several white noise machines going at once.

Unfortunately, my job entails me talking to clients all day, so I have to remove most of those except airpods.

My hearing is a bit insane. Especially bass, which I can hear from almost anywhere--obviously why the drums got to me, but basketball and people driving with their music up also makes me pretty much lose it.

My medications has helped quite a bit, but I think smaller amounts of stress bring me back up to the levels I was pre-medicine.

I sometimes wonder if buying acreage far away from humans WOULD be cheaper. I have bought extremely expensive curtains, multiple white noise machines, and have about 4 headphones to choose from.

I perhaps worded it wrong--I don't want complete sensory deprivation, more I want the kind of senses that override those I'm averse to. For some reason, hot baths are about the only thing to calm me down, especially if I can dunk my head under water. What happens is my ears turn "on" and are listening for every single noise--no matter how small--even if a fan is a little loose and blowing differently when I am in that state I will actually run away and keep running until I find somewhere with either no or constant noise with no variance. Hot bath/lavender oil/brown noise on a speaker is the best thing I've found. It's really very wasteful but it will be short term and less cost than losing it I assume.

Oh--I realize the above genuinely makes me seem crazy, oh well. What is interesting is that nature does not make me have these reactions. It is one of the reasons I do miss CO--I could hike past where the people were. There isn't enough public land in TX to do something like that, except maybe Big Bend.

Re: Ella's Journal

Posted: Tue Apr 27, 2021 9:16 am
by ellarose24
I have been struggling with several issues that I am trying to find a way to cohesively outline without going on long stream-of-conscious rants that I've noticed a tendency for. (also started journaling instead of solely using this forum as a place to write my thoughts). So to try and surmise about 20 pages worth of journaling, there seems to be two or more concepts pulling me, and they are coming from absolute opposite places--with one that will be there constantly regardless of firm decisions.

My first path was ERE > uh oh I'm mentally ill > okay just be as successful as I can and work until normal ages. End goal is effective altruism which requires success.

Since my last "blip" telling me I'm mentally ill again (sometimes I forget) it has gone from End goal of effective altruism > Internal pressure to be successful > uh oh I'm mentally ill and cannot even sustain a full month without taking time off > new end goal ????????????

The other problem is that stress, in whatever form, requires more reliance on modern psychiatry and pharmaceutical companies. Now--stress does not necessarily mean work. I was out on leave for three months but was so consumed with fighting on the internet that my stress levels went into insane territories (and I often wonder if most of the people fighting with me on the internet are also mentally ill). Cutting that out reduced stress levels.

I often feel very weak reading these journals and the blog, and begin a woe is me attitude, unsure of how to proceed because I am now recognizing the treatment to mental illness is almost all revolved around "self care" (consumption), affirmative therapy (useless), and of course pharmaceuticals and $300 therapy or psych appointments (unless you want to have a PA talk to you ten minutes and send you on your way, which is what most insurances cover--but is not sufficient for severe mental illness).

My stress levels seems to follow like this

1. Existing in the modern world. Background noise of planes, traffic, bass--etc. moderately annoying but can be offset with (consumption) noise cancelling head phones and white noise machines

2. The speed of information, news, ideologies etc transported via radio/internet (mostly)/TV--sends my stress levels into overdrive. I can either vow to cut out (majority) of internet or increase reliance on pharmaceuticals. I choose to cut out internet and am back to level 1.

3. I am employed by a place of work that requires me to keep up with the news at a level most people do not. I cannot go back to level 1 so increase pharmaceutical usage.

4. Sedatives (antipsychotics and benzos) have artificially placed me back at level 1. In fact, noises themselves don't bother me as much anymore--as nothing does. However, I am less mentally alert, have trouble recalling words, and lose about 3 hours to extra sleep needed. Coffee consumption increases as I cannot wake up in the mornings.

5. I become accustomed to my dosage of medicine and the balances on each side become more apparent. More coffee to offset fatigue also increases likelihood of "blips" of stress. As my career develops, other stressors come into play

Internal politics which I do not understand and fail at miserably.

Clients: (Note: This will be venting) Clients bringing up politics and blatantly false information that I cannot argue with. Male clients commenting on my looks, putting me in uncomfortable positions (calling grandson while I am right there to talk about me)--disregarding mentions of M, making sexual innuendos anytime the word "positions" is brought up, disregarding advice such as "don't sell a stock for a loss and then buy 3 days later because it's going back up"--telling me I'm too young to understand and their investment magazine knows much more than me.

Female clients--socialized to constantly apologize and tell me how stupid they are and that they just don't "get any of this stuff." Widows who are left with a portfolio they've never touched confused about the complexity of their late husband's day trading. Anger at young women who, despite having the privilege and opportunity that their mother's did not--still say things such as "I don't care about this stuff, my husband handles it all." Trying to remind myself that they can't choose socialization--but thinking largely that they have --playing victim but refusing to take
responsibility

Given I essentially demoted myself to not deal with stress by taking this job--although strangely the pay is the same--there is an added stress of the clients not taking me seriously despite my experience, expertise, and licenses. I suppose this is a feeling of "I care what others think of me" and that is something I simply need to work on. If I went for promotions, the stress of having others RELY on me I think would be greater than the stress of being treated like a glorified monkey-broker.

These--otherwise normal but for me difficult--stresses lead me to taking not just my sedative but now daily benzos. It also leads me to biweekly therapy appointments and psychiatry appointments (my therapist/psychiatrist is the same)--at $300 a pop.

I have tried to combat the above stress with: yoga, meditation, exercise, diet changes. But I am still finding myself unable to fall asleep at night (VERY BAD SIGN) and running through conversations had at work over and over again as they seep into my dreams.

Ultimately it comes down to: do I do what is best for me--which would be actually engaging in ERE and then working part time at starbucks or the like for health insurance. OR do I continue to fight against stress, illness, etc--with the hopes to be successful enough to actually make a difference in some strange way.

My psych has told me, pretty much since the beginning of my career, that I need to leave it. I was offended at first, but now I understand that his perspective where my health is most important, this should be the action taken. But I am struggling with WHY my health should be more important. Effective Altruism has seemed to infect some part of my brain that was before taken up by religious guilt and need for penance.

Philosophically--the problem with the "successful" route is also trying to balance two different paradigms. I absolutely do NOT want to consume, and have made it one of my biggest goals to be largely against consumption. How to do this in the field/role/and space I'm in seems difficult. Difficult because, like I mentioned above, stress seems to necessitate consumption. Difficult also because of social roles and expectations for a young(ish) woman in a client-facing role. (I can write a whole other post on what botox and fillers have done to female expectations of aging--this part of society actually seems to be moving backwards).

The ultimate goal would be to find a way to reduce stress without consumption. I would think this may take pretty radical changes--like hour long meditations daily/experimenting with extreme sounding diets/etc. I am willing to experiment with this, but I need more time.

The ultimate goal would ALSO be to bypass societal expectations and be a successful young(ish) woman that does not rely on consumption (Makeup/ botox/ luxury wardrobe/ etc). The problem with this is that there are few, if any examples for me to turn to. All successful women seem to wear a costume that looks relatively the same. "Natural" but expensive makeup, light botox and fillers that the male species cannot suspect, expensive hair cuts/dyes/ minimalist but extremely expensive wardrobe and jewelry. I can do the last one through second-hand, but the rest is difficult for me to achieve without spending thousands a year.

There is of course, the added stress of hiding that I am "not normal"--which I have become relatively good at. I do like to remind myself that I was, at one point, very successful. But that success did come with a breakdown in which it was apparent to most how not normal I was. The question is, is there a way to achieve success again without the breakdown?

Onto goals:

Career:

I am (restarting) the CFP. I had started, and passed several modules, right in the middle of breakdown referenced above--nearly 4 years ago I believe. I never picked it back up. Will do so as company covers all costs. Thinking about starting in June and would like to finish in under a year as it comes with a small but nice salary change (^$5K)

Finances:

I have gone into mint and categorized every transaction. I will post here eventually to hold me accountable. I still spend TOO MUCH but have gotten much better in the last month and am really looking forward to continuing to see progress here.

Current goal is to build emergency savings up to $10k.

Just combined all old 401ks, was happy to see my networth in one place. They were still in transit when I got back on mint, but seeing $100K all together felt really good. I know it's not that big of a milestone, but it made me pretty happy regardless.

It is starting to get hot and humid. I did end up buying a portable AC, if I had gone back I would have tried to find one used. that cost $350 this month alone (but much better than the thousands to replace the forced air).

I am debating continuing my $200 monthly contribution to one of the organizations I donate to. They are spending thousands on a new deck in one of their nature preserves so that people can better appreciate. This charity also is funded largely by Shell Oil which does give me pause.

Health:

I have started doing yoga every day as well as a 30 minute "wind down" after work in which I just throw some music on and let my brain does whatever it wants, no distractions. cut out processed sugar, except a cereal box that I'm still working at. Could not cut out coffee because of sedation from meds, but have reduced to two very large cups.

Anti-Consumption:

I am harvesting dandelion leaves (in my yard only to prevent chemicals). I have also identified wild carrots in my yard, and strangely enough a new book I got for my birthday about Crow Indian recipes gave me a recipe for stew with them, however I will have to wait for fall. This book is actually a treasure trove--even talking about using the tin cans coffee comes in to bake instead of buying baking pans.

The 2-a-day baths are too inefficient and I really don't need to do that every day--I will save them for bad days. Instead, I am taking one bath a week without soap so that I can then dip from it to water the veggies I reluctantly am growing.

I have also read (TMI for men who have sensitive tastes) that period blood is a good fertilizer. I could not find any studies, just anecdotes. I switched to reusable pads about a year ago, and keep a closed bucket of water for them to soak until I have enough for laundry. I did use that bucket to water my plants for the week I was on my period, and I did think they looked better. But I have nothing but anecdotes, once again.