the animal's journal

[halfmoon]

Animal, your journal is always so interesting. After reading the more recent posts, I had SO many thoughts. Alas, 99% of them are useless due to our difference in age, gender, life choices and geography. I'm left with a few paltry contributions:

1. Gender never seemed important to me pre-Facebook, and I had few female friends. Well...to be accurate, I had only 2 friends outside of DH. One was female and one was a gay male. Now it's apparent that women online tend to support and validate each other to an astonishing degree (whereas my gay male friend is SUCH a jerk ). *I love him, of course.

2. I tend to agree with the suggestion that other places have something to offer. There is a huge world outside of Alaska (as incredibly beautiful as your home obviously is). Maybe you should check it out and come back? Imagine your ideal woman. Would she assume that there was nothing better than Alaska (you), or would she have sampled other places (people) and decided that this place (you) was what she wanted? I'm trying to project here.

[theanimal]

I know its commonplace for tribes to evaporate as time goes on but perhaps I hold out hope because I see people up here and others online who have been able to maintain these relationships throughout adulthood. Often they seem to center on one specific activity. For example, there's one guy up here that I've looked up to as one of the top adventurers within the state. He's about 10 yrs my senior and thrives in the outdoors with other people. He's been able to make it work having these groups of friends/acquaintances go on trips year after year. We've talked about it before and he definitely has the advantage of living in a more populated area than I do. I think some other components are helping others and waving your flag loudly. It does seem far more likely to maintain some form of tribe if there is a continual activity/event/thing to bond over rather than the normal situation for most in heading out drinking on the weekends. That part makes sense why it would decline with age.

@bigato- I don't think you are far off. I find it harder to connect with other people on a long term basis than what it appears for most people. I hold some irrational stigma against seeing a therapist, but I'll consider seeing one. I do think it would help. Thanks.

@Cheepnis- It is odd and I've found the same to be true. Between living in the urban area I'm at now and when I was in the Arctic, there have been equivalent stretches of time with very minimal human interaction. In the Arctic, that eventually drove me to the brink of losing my mind, whereas here it's nowhere close to that. Even though my interactions might just be something basic like being in traffic, at the library or grocery checkout. I'm not saying it's a healthy practice or even sufficient for mental health, but even the act of just seeing people seems to have an effect.

@THF- Well, I don't smoke, drink or do drugs so perhaps plain old mental toughness. I do work out a lot which probably helps. But just because I'm not dating women doesn't mean I can't talk to them. Most of my close friends are women who I have no problem talking to. I do have a couple guys as well that I can talk to about anything. Everything that's been discussed in this journal has been discussed in real life with at least 1-2 other people.


@Halfmoon- Thank you! Always appreciate your comments. I'm not sure I understand your 2nd to last sentence. I think it's about exploring other places and then deciding based off a greater understanding? Most of the time I really am content here. I'd say it's somewhere in the range of 30% of days that I'm not. It's a stark contrast to when I was living further north where that number was probably greater than 80% and the level of discontentment was magnitudes worse. I don't think I'm that far off from achieving the life I want here with some minor changes. Maybe I'm being naive and stubborn again. IDK. I'll try to keep an open mind and what you said in mind going forward.

[halfmoon]

@Halfmoon- Thank you! Always appreciate your comments. I'm not sure I understand your 2nd to last sentence. I think it's about exploring other places and then deciding based off a greater understanding? Most of the time I really am content here. I'd say it's somewhere in the range of 30% of days that I'm not. It's a stark contrast to when I was living further north where that number was probably greater than 80% and the level of discontentment was magnitudes worse. I don't think I'm that far off from achieving the life I want here with some minor changes. Maybe I'm being naive and stubborn again. IDK. I'll try to keep an open mind and what you said in mind going forward.

@animal, I'm not sure I understand it either. I was trying to say (with no particular knowledge on my part) that you might, given your choices, be attracted to women with a spirit of adventure. Living in Alaska, while incredibly adventurous, is just one manifestation of that. If you step outside your own chosen adventure and try another, you might more easily find a soulmate to drag back to your cave. Of course, there's always the chance that she'll drag you back to her cave, and you'll find yourself living in another place entirely. Such is the nature of adventure.

[theanimal]

I got a puppy in early November. An 8 week old Alaskan Husky. He’s descended from a couple of well known mushing lines up here. The owner said that this was a surprise litter of 6 so he gave away all but 2. He’s very well behaved and really good looking. One of my friends calls him a designer puppy. As I’ve stated previously, my current situation has me in long stretches of time where I am on my own. I’ve thought off and on about the possibility of getting a dog for the past year but didn’t feel like pulling the trigger. I thought it’d be too much of an anchor. So much of my life over the past few years has been about embracing optionality and forgoing strong attachments. While that has brought me fun adventures, I haven’t quite found what I’ve been seeking so I decided to take on a different tack and take on some anchors. The puppy being number 1. He’s very well behaved, doesn’t stray and is quiet. Apart from a short stretch of him eating his own shit daily, he couldn’t have been better. Now ~4 months in I’m glad I got him. I was uncertain at first but having to take care of some other living creature other than myself has had its advantages. It keeps me from getting sucked to far in to work and forces me to go outside and take daily walks. I still have left multiple times from a few days to a couple weeks leaving him with friends without problems. In fact, his behavior has only gotten better each time I’ve left so I’ve said that maybe I should leave more frequently.


He started jumping up on the door and looking in the window when he wanted to be let in around 4 months old. I find it hilarious.



In November I went down to Boulder for a week and stayed with my pilot friend who I visited earlier in the summer at Lake Clark. He was looking to build time so we split costs and flew all over the front range area. It’s so much easier to fly outside Alaska! The area brought new lessons as well as I experienced much stronger winds than what I had previously, used a fuel injected engine and had a greater focus on mixture use due to the high altitude. It ended up being cheaper per hour for me to fly there than at home here in Fairbanks with all travel costs included (even airfare). Kinda crazy.

I bought property as mentioned in this thread: viewtopic.php?f=14&t=11156. 2 acres of land about ~10 miles outside of town. Very close to where I’m currently living. The plan as of now is to build myself a home this summer. I have very little building experience so it will be a steep learning curve. I’m still exploring building options but have an idea of the general layout and features that I’d want. This includes radiant floor heating, composting toilet and an orientation of seating that is beneficial for gatherings/meals/conversation with others.

I left for a couple weeks around the holidays to visit family back in Chicago and then my dad took all my siblings and myself to Mexico for a vacation. He lives quite a different lifestyle than I do and it is not something I seek to emulate but it was still very enjoyable. 11 hours of sun and 70+ degree days in the middle of winter, who could imagine such luxuries. Going so many other places the past few months has cemented the fact that the demographics are working against me dating wise here in Fairbanks. There are so many women outside Alaska! And so many are very attractive! It seriously surprises me every time from the moment I walk through SeaTac/O’Hare. I could see myself living elsewhere but I still want to live here for at least the medium term. This area (Northern AK) is unlike anywhere else I’ve been. It’s certainly civilized but there is a wildness/frontier undercurrent to it that differentiates it from just about anywhere else of similar or greater size.



I haven’t been doing too much outdoors. January was very cold. There were only 5 days that went above 0 F (warmest being 4 F) and the average daily high was something like -22 F. The past 60 days here has been the 3rd coldest stretch in the past ~50 years. Lots of days and nights ranging from 30 to 40 below. I spent last week as a ski coach for this non profit organization that travels to many of the native villages in the state. Three people are assigned go a village for a week, live at the school and teach the kids to ski/play various games. I went to a village in western Alaska on the Yukon River with a few hundred residents. It was OUTSTANDING! I love working with kids and loved being out in rural Alaska again. I had such a great week and am looking into doing more this winter and changing some of my long term plans to work with others. I’ve reached out to an organization that does wilderness therapy with youth in the state for possible work as a guide.



This most recent trip has only further emphasized my desire for community and tribe. We’ve discussed previously that such things are more likely when you are young and fade away with time. Yet, I’ve experienced multiple instances of such tribes/communities for those who are much older. There was a potlatch that we were invited to the other night and I talked with a longtime resident who had moved to the area. He talked about how early in life he had lived in cities, but no matter where he lived, he lived in a neighborhood. He had a community he could be a part of and feel useful in. This is easy in small towns where everything is centralized and everyone knows/knows of each other. Not so easy throughout most of America where poorly designed planning has led to people living far from each other/everything and having to drive everywhere. I’m not sure what to make of this yet, but I do know that under the right circumstances, there is nowhere I love more than rural Alaska.

I’ve continued doing jiu jitsu and am really enjoying it. I got my first submission a little over a month in which was a huge boost in confidence. As the movements and information comes together it becomes a really rewarding and stimulating activity. I know of nothing else that requires so much physical and mental effort. Jiu jitsu and the puppy have been the greatest factors in my more level mood the past few months. I’ve certainly had less low spots. There’s not too much time to moan and mope about when you have to take care of something else or you’re engaged in a physical and close activity with others. They still surface though, especially when I don’t engage in an adequate amount of physical activity and I am scheduled to see a therapist starting this week in hopes of getting better acquainted with myself (Thanks, @bigato).

The rest of my winter is kind of up in the air. I’m going to Hawaii in a couple weeks with some friends who are helping their parents build a house. It’s my first time going and I’m really looking forward to it. Otherwise possibly a hot springs ski trip in April and/or a caribou hunt. Maybe some flying if the weather and my plans align. It’s a relief to have gotten through the darkness again. You don’t realize how much of an effect it has until the sun returns or you go elsewhere during that time. But the light is returning so quickly, sunglasses are necessary again and the warm season is almost upon us once more!

Thanks for reading.

[Jason]

My wife was selling organic products a few years back and one of her offerings was a dry dog shampoo. She had a few regular customers in Alaska who owned Wooly Malamutes. Just throwing it on and brushing it off their coats offered maintenance between full blown baths.

That is a cute ass doggie. Looks like he'll be a nice companion. And of course, chicks dig cute ass doggies.

[2Birds1Stone]

Hey @theanimal, wanted to nudge you for an update now that winter has passed and you've hopefully thawed. Did you end up taking the trip to Hawaii before COVID-19 madness struck? Still enjoying fatherhood (pup)? Really enjoy following your journal for all these years. The pictures are great, but you have a natural way with words that paints an even more vivid picture of the places you're going and things you're doing.

[theanimal]

@2birds- Thank you for the nudge and the kind words.

Like most, I haven't had much activity the past couple months. It is a more relaxed environment up here, even with the virus since we have so much space. Outdoor activities aren't impacted at all so I spent time enjoying the trails during the winter and now more remote gravel roads now that things have pretty much melted out. There was some great crust throughout the past month which created phenomenal conditions for fatbiking and skiing. The only thing of my regular schedule that I've had to discontinue is jiu jitsu. Otherwise work, socializing, therapist (remotely) and outdoor activities have not been affected. I am very fortunate.

I had increased time spent working over the winter and my reading pace dropped as a result. I used to be like 2-3 books a week and it dropped to 1 at best. I've made it more of a priority the past couple months. Here are some of the books I really enjoyed.
-The Raw Shark Texts
-What I Talk About When I Talk About Running
-Barbarian Days
-The Spirit of St. Louis
-Women Who Love Too Much (h/t @bigato)
-Power of Bad (h/t @jp)
-Across the fence
-Confessions of an Economic Hit Man
-Never Split the Difference (reread)

Hawaii
I did end up going to Hawaii, arriving back home about a little over a week before the mayhem hit in the US. I really, really enjoyed it. My friend’s parents live in a rural location on and surrounded by farms. For such a small place, the diversity of the landscape is incredible. IIRC, there are 7 different biomes on the Big Island alone, and the transitions are stark. Inland from the western coast is primarily composed of lava rock, slowly transitioning to grass over lava rock and then abruptly transitioning to tropical forest. We spent a couple of nice days at the beach, swimming in the waves, doing some underwater rock sprints, snorkeling and enjoying the sun. Other days included things like hiking down into more remote valleys, a day hiking around Volcano National park, meeting up with an old friend who had moved to the island and spearfishing for prawns at night in the local creek.

The lifestyle very much reminded me of that of Alaska. The rural life where people are laid back, free to pursue their interests and live in alternative ways. Much of the area I was in was off grid and my friend’s parents lived in a greenhouse! That was cool to see. The issue living in Northern Alaska (on grid or not) is water. Hawaii has an abundance of water while still having enough sunny days to primarily power with solar and a warm climate to make HVAC uneccessary. Utopia?

My friend’s parents are older (mid 70s) and her dad reminded me a lot of my grandpa. Very thoughtful about what he is saying and looking to add value to the conversations around him. On the last day of the trip, I was talking with him on the beach about future plans and concerns. He began this monologue of advice that has been stuck in my head since, something along the lines of “You just have to go do it, the animal. Make what you want to do happen. Nobody is going to do it for you and people are just interested in themselves. You have to put yourself out there and be interested in other people. The attention starts to wane once you start talking about yourself. Go do it.” That was a good day to end on and I hope (plan?) to return.

Dog
I’ve become much more attached to my puppy over the past couple months. It definitely has been a learning experience. I found that I became really angry once he started getting older and did something bad/disobeyed me. This was very startling to me as I’m not prone to anger in almost any other part of my life. I had to confront this and talked with my therapist about it. A lot of it seems to stem from me wanting some situation that is not in tune to reality. Realizing what actually is creates a greater sense of appreciation and far less frustration (this works with people too). We go out daily for long walks/runs/bike rides and now that things have thawed he is a huge fan of the water, which I find to be very amusing for a husky. @Jason’s suggestion for waterless shampoo has been a great help and keeps him smelling good.

Summer

• Later this month I’ll be leaving on a ~3 week, ~350 mile hiking/packrafting trip from Alaska’s mainland to along the coast. Somewhat similar to a trip I did two years ago. I’ll be going with two close friends and potentially an acquaintance (friend?) that I very much look up to. No trails, no roads, no towns until we hit our destination. It will be an intense experience in ridiculously beautiful country and one I am very much looking forward to.

• Housing plans are coming along. I’ve finalized how I want the interior to look and I have a plan in place for building. Many people have offered help so I’m hoping for it to go quickly. I’ve decided to go with somewhat of a kit. The framing is in panels so it’s just a matter of attaching and putting the rest together. The company claims 3 people can get a dried out shell (foundation/framing w exterior/windows+doors/roof) up in a weekend. I’m waiting on things to dry out so the gravel pad and driveway can be placed. There is also no power to the property so I have to put in an application with the electrical company and put up a house pole.

• I wasn’t planning on doing forestry work this summer but there was a positive changeup in management and the new directors were asking me to come on. So I agreed to a short term stint (no more than 90 days) starting in early July.

• After my first work hitch I’ll be embarking on one of the activities I’ve been looking forward to most, set netting for king salmon. As I believe I mentioned previously, last fall I set gill nets and caught lots of salmon, pike, whitefish and burbot. I recently acquired a new (massive) net that will allow me to fish for king salmon. There is no cost for the permit and there is no limit to the amount you can catch. This fishing has become much easier the past couple years as my knowledge and experience dramatically increased. I’d have it made like a king if only I was as good a hunter as I am at fishing. Hopefully soon…

Thanks for reading. Hope everyone stays and remains healthy and can enjoy the warmer weather.

[C40]

Sounds like you still have a lot going on and are living well. Great work

[theanimal]

Below is a recent version of my interior house plan. It includes everything except a wood stove. I'm still debating between wood stove and a wood cookstove. If I went with the wood cookstove and eliminate the stove pictured below and be placed somewhere on the same wall. Whereas if I just went with the wood stove (non cook) I'd likely put it somewhere in front of the shower wall. I'd likely have to move the cabinet to the to the front wall to make for adequate space. I'd supplement the wood cook stove with a solar oven, induction burner and a grill.

So far I'm thinking of going with the small 4 cubic foot refrigerator that Alphaville suggested and placing it underneath a counter. I'm planning on going with a battery bank with an array of 1-1.2 kw solar panels supplemented by generator during the few months of winter. My energy needs will be at the lowest during that period with the biggest consumption being my laptop and occasionally monitor.

Part of me is displeased with myself and thinking I'm going too large size wise. That same half is discouraged at my use of a kit, thinking that I'm overpaying for something that can be done simpler and for a cheaper price if done on my own. The other part is thinking that it will be the perfect size. The total housing costs once everything is done should come out around $20k. I'm mostly pleased with the time savings of a kit and a still reasonable cost of building. There are those niggling thoughts though.


Dimensions are 20x16 with a 20x8 covered front deck.

[jacob]

We use a 4cuft undercounter fridge as well. The benefits are numerous. If it breaks, it can be replaced for $150. It holds just enough leftovers for two people to avoid things going bad because they're hidden out of sight. We have very few things in our fridge that spend more than a week in it (mostly ketchup and pickles). It's not loud and electricity usage is minimal. It also frees up a lot of space in a small kitchen not to have one of those giant multidoor fridges. The downside is that the freezer (if it has one) sucks.

[theanimal]

Yes, I'm hoping to find one without a freezer for exactly that reason. The freezer compartment is far too small to be practical. The only thing I'm wondering about is eggs. I usually get 5 dozen at a time. I don't think the box would fit in a 4 cu ft but perhaps I can rearrange them and transfer to a different storage medium. IIRC, eggs sold in the store can't stay unrefrigerated for more than a few days.

[CS]

Small fridge and chest freezer would be a good combo. I have a small fridge. For some reason, despite its tiny size, the temp zones are a pain in the butt. To keep the front area cold enough, stuff in the back freezes. What the what? It's so small that I don't even know how that is possible.

I'm cheating by having 30 pints of homemade raw meat cat food in the main house freezer (freezer only unit). Much better quality cold.

Wood stoves have a lot of associated pollution, just in case you're thinking of having guests that it might bother. But then again, it sounds like you'll have wood heating anyhow...

[theanimal]

@bigato- I know the feeling. When I lived in the Arctic, the only noise at my cabin was the inverter. Like you, I turned it off when not in use. I enjoyed the sound of the wind through the trees, the crackling of the fire in the woodstove and the sound of the river running through a small opening in the ice on the coldest of nights. It's amazing what people get used to and put up with. I visited family during that time and couldn't stand the endless noises, mainly from the kitchen. Fridge, freezer, oven and exhaust fans were very bothersome. I'm still not fond of them today.

Do you shop for produce frequently? I'm curious how you get by without refrigeration.

@CS- That is annoying regarding the freezing and I've experienced the same thing myself. Certain portions of the fridge acting as a freezer is generally not what most are looking for! I also have a chest freezer now and it works great. Great to load up on sales and anything I'm able to get from the land. Appreciate the notes on woodstoves. I have lived with a woodstove before as my sole heating source and they are very common in my area.

[theanimal]

@bigato- That's very interesting. I'm going to have to try that. Now is a perfect time too with it being the warm season so theoretically if I can do it now any other time would be a piece of cake.
--------------------------------

Well I didn't end up going on the trip I had planned. One of the other trip members injured themselves the day prior to us leaving which delayed us. We were delayed again upon finding out there was a massive rainstorm last weekend. We explored some alternative options but all the mountainous areas still have a lot of snow. The coast was really only the viable option. It was pushing a bit close to the time I wanted to be done and one of the members going was being very negative/unnecessarily critical on a regular basis so with that I decided that I would back out and not go. I drove them to the start and regretted it momentarily but I am content with my decision. Another friend and I are going to go on a shorter trip, ~1 week, in the Alaska Range sometime this upcoming month.

I've had some massive anxiety the past few weeks. Feeling better now, almost no anxiety today but I'm not entirely sure of the root cause. Work has slowed leaving me with more free time as of late. My friend took back her piano so with that and no jiu jitsu I am down 2 hobbies. I have been doing more planning for my house build and also have increased my exercise and reading amounts back to levels I am happy with. Part of the anxiety was definitely concerning the trip as it involved a very large river that had me nervous and concerned. But with the anxiety peaking the past few days, well past the start of the trip and my decision not to go, I am unsure of the cause. I do have suspicions though, and one such suspicion is that it is women. There are 2 women in my life that I very well may have an over reliance upon causing me undue stress when I don't feel fulfilled. I'm still learning about these tendencies and the idea of being "addicted" to women, thanks to @bigato and his book recommendation (Women Who Love too Much). For now, I'm trying to stay aware of this tendency and figure out what emotional needs I am seeking in these relationships to better understand why I fall the way I do. I plan to discuss this further with my therapist. We did not meet at all last month. I would like to meet again soon but may wait until it can be done in person again.

I've also started two other practices in hopes of examining these anxieties and becoming more comfortable with myself. Journaling in the morning as well as meditating. I've mediated in the past and found it to produce positive results but have never been able to stick with it for more than a few months. I started up Naval Ravikant's 60 day challenge, of 1 hr every day for 2 months. This is much more intense than what I was doing in the past(~20 min/day) and I am looking forward to continuing it and strengthening my mental fortitude.

[theanimal]

I had made plans around having a dried in shell complete by the end of the month. Over the past couple weeks, I have been introudced to the joys that are dealing with contractors who don't operate as they say they will. My driveway and building pad was supposed to be in by the 15th, but was somehow postponed until the end of the month. I had a talk with the contractor and he got it moved back up but it's still late. Work began middle of last week and it's slowly moving along. The driveway is probably around 40 yards long and the pad will be roughly 30' x 30'. It rained a lot yesterday and is supposed to continue raining throughout the week, which is unfortunate as it's slowing progress.



My building materials showed up on Thursday, so I'm just waiting for the gravel work to be finished so I can get started. I'm trying as best I can to stem the stress/anxiety that's lingering in the back of my mind in trying to finish by the end of the month. It should be possible as long as the gravel work is finished early this week as planned. The company I purchased the materials from said it's possible to set it all up in a weekend with 3 people. I'm banking on 5 days to account for my inexperience and any unforeseen issues. The reason I'm rushing to finish is I made a decision (which I now consider foolish) to terminate my lease this month. It'd be nice to have a roof over my head and a place to move my belongings into. Forestry work starts on the 8th so I'm crammed on the back end. On the positive side, I have 10+ friends who have expressed interest in helping, some multiple times. So here's hoping everything goes smoothly from here on out.


Soon to be location of a smooth and level building pad



My dog looking very wolf like on a ridge silhouetted against the sky on a recent hike

[theanimal]

@Bigato- Thanks. You understand me well. I had a friend say essentially the same thing to me yesterday. That same friend may have found me a short term rental with someone who is fixing a house and can't rent it out at the moment. Otherwise I think I might try to find a wall tent and just camp on the land if there's no structure. I wouldn't mind that, the only thing I would be concerned about it my piano.

Regarding your questions...the land is about 1.9 acres total so there is a good amount of space. The house is on close to the property line on on side of the property and the area is well surrounded by trees and other vegetation. I realize the photo makes it look fairly closed in, but the property actually receives a lot of light, I would estimate 16 hrs plus of direct sunlight right now at peak light. I was actually wondering if there was too much light! But then again, as you've suggested up here there really isn't such a thing.

[sky]

Is there a lot of bug pressure where you live?

[theanimal]

@bigato- Maybe we can work out some type of trade of bananas for wood.

@sky- Yes, for about 3.5 months. Mosquitoes are around right now and it's the most I've seen around my home since I've been here. They'll taper off sometime in mid to late July then there are no see ums and various type of flies which hang around for the short fall season. Usually all done with bugs by the end of September.

[Jason]

That's a good looking dog you got there.

I googled "dog model." The average annual salary is $48,560.00. You can start with an Instagram account. Best part, because he's a dog, he'll never know he's a model, so you keep all his earnings. It's better than having a cute kid who might start asking questions. I would try it. He's got perfect posture and the camera loves him. Plus, you got all that dramatic scenery. He's like the Alaskan dog version of The Marlboro Man. A few good years and that's some serious coin. Not to mention you'll both benefit with your respective female communities.

[7Wannabe5]

I think it's interesting that both you and bigato have plots of land that are around the acreage available to each human if the planet was divvied up. Especially interesting because you are in such different climates. Since metabolic production per acre is a function of temperature, the fact that you hunt on additional wilderness acreage will serve to make your allotments more equitable. In my region, less than 200 mile roughly North/South trail/water system separated Native tribes that were primarily horticultural from those who were primarily hunters. They frequently traded these goods. Are there any deciduous trees in your area?

@ffj:


Clearly, you have not met my sister's 3rd dog, Barbara Jean. If she was a human female, you might recall her as "the one who keyed my brand new truck and torched my sofa."