Re: STI statistics and best practices?
Posted: Sat Dec 24, 2016 4:40 am
@halfmoon, thanks for saving that. I saw the link too and your post looks accurate.
@Olaz
1. What's the best way to ask a person for a complete sti test before sex? Do you include oral in the don't-do-before-testing category? What about kissing or hand-play?
Kissing and hand-play are generally low risk. Unless there's cuts all over the place or dirt, it's typically safe. Common sense works here-wash hands before, maybe shower together, and that's about it.
Mono, hsv, and common colds are the main things I've seen spread through kissing but these are typically visible. I've heard that syphilis, gonorrhea, and hpv can spread through deep kissing but haven't known anyone personally get them this way.
Oral is sex and as risky for most stis. I've tried dental dams and covered oral but I'd rather kiss than do that.
HIV is the most dangerous sti but it also has a much lower chance of spreading than the others. This does depend on viral load, amount of contact/friction, immune system strength. If you're paranoid about HIV look into PrEP. https://www.cdc.gov/hiv/basics/prep.html
You almost certainly won't get HIV ffrom kissing, handplay, or oral due to the low blood-blood contact.
With mono, they'll be tired and won't feel well-typically easy to spot.
If HSV is blistering or chapped, it's likely to spread. Especially on a windy, chilly beach at night. I know multiple people who only got 1 hsv-1 breakout genitally and then never get it again who, ironically, actually got it on a beach at night. Also, hsv is rarely tested for. There are blood tests to know for sure but most people have hsv1 dormant most of the time and it won't spread this way. Chicken pox is a form of hsv that almost everyone has had. There's a lot of fear mongering and shaming around hsv but be patient and present and you won't have any problems.
If chalmydia, syphillis, or gonorrhea are present, they're likely to spread and half of people are asymptomatic for these. They're cured with a pill but oral spreads these easy. That include rimming.
Honestly, I like to go get tested with the person at Planned Parenthood or county's std testing services. I tell them I like to get tested before playing with a new partner and ask if they're open to that. We'll typically have kissed but not had sex yet. I know the hours of the local clinics by heart and have multiple options so it's pretty easy to do. At least we'll get hiv tested together as it's free here, quick, and most other things are curable. If getting tested together doesn't work, primary doctors have all of these tests available and delaying or covering up saves a lot of anxiety waiting for test results.
If I'm meeting someone out of town I'll bring paperwork and ask if they've ever gotten tested/when the last time was, listen and gauge how aware they've been with their sexual health. I've noticed people actually relax after getting tested since they know I'm conscious about it and they're more likely to feel safe. As long as it's brought up in a relaxed, patient, non-judgmental way, it ends up being a bonding experience that builds trust.
If there's any doubt about the person I always use a condom. Put a drop of lube on the inside and outside to make it less likely to rip.
2. I need to make an excel sheet of sexual history. How do you share that in a socially acceptable manner with people if they've probably never even thought about their history.
I'll start with a question-if they've ever been tested, then I'll share when I was tested and my history, I'll be curious about when they first had sex, how many lovers/sexual partners they've been with.
I'll listen with an open heart and no judgement. I'll share my full history openly as well, starting with when I first had sex up to recently. If they haven't thought about their history, all the more reason to go in for a quick check up together. I inspired a girl who'd never thought about this to get all her sex partners tested beforehand too.
I like to tell my own history as a story. It depends on the person. I've never developed an excel, they might feel like their experience with you will be on a record if I'm hearing you right and it might be a bit tenser.
3. Agreed, my PP and I disclose all partners and use protection even with each other. I should up vaccinations and testing, though. Why doesn't mainstream sex culture practice neither honesty nor testing nor protection? >~<
I wish these were more mainstream. I think honesty and testing acknowledge the risks and people like to pretend they don't exist. There's a lot of shame, hiding, judgment around sexuality and this leads to a different culture/mentality around the practice. You and me can lead others to be more conscious here. We get tested and help others bring awareness into their own sexual health before indulging in all its delights.
4. When you say don't hold it in, do you mean that stopping sexual activity to pee and cleaning is better than holding, continuing, and then going to the restroom?
It depends on how bad the urge to pee is. The risk of a uti is far higher for a woman because they have a shorter urethra than men so bacteria reach their bladder easier.
Tell her beforehand, if you have to pee, let me know and we'll take a pause, I don't want you getting a uti. She'll know you care about her health before your pleasure. Plus, if she squirts after peeing, it'll taste better and she'll know for sure it's not pee.
5. This is probably a feeling more than anything else, but how do you determine whether a person is "trustworthy to be sexual with" or not?
Whether they've told me something hard to share early and proactively. If there's a hard conversation to be had, do they hide or share? Are you constantly finding out little secrets about her or has her story been consistent with more detail developing over time rather than a fragmented picture? Do they have white lies or are you "catching" them hiding/lying about things or do they tell you something hard to share upfront without you even having to ask because they value honesty and open sharing?
Your gut will guide you well here.
One peculiar thing in my experience is the more trustworthy, loyal people have a softer, warmer look to their face rather than a hard, stiff look.
6. Although many connections are of the cosistent and slower-to-progress intimate close friend norm set, some connections progress very quickly sexually, in the spur of the moment, so to speak. What are best practices with the latter situations - just don't do them, or?
Don't do them is not always realistic. If you're that in control of your urges, awesome. Enjoy the tension and let it simmer.
Proper use of a rubber will save you most of the time. Having paperwork on hand and asking when the last time they got tested can help initiate a conversation but this isn't always realistic if it's spur of the moment. HSV is the most likely thing to spread when using condoms but there will be sores around the pubic area for this that are typically visible.
@Olaz
1. What's the best way to ask a person for a complete sti test before sex? Do you include oral in the don't-do-before-testing category? What about kissing or hand-play?
Kissing and hand-play are generally low risk. Unless there's cuts all over the place or dirt, it's typically safe. Common sense works here-wash hands before, maybe shower together, and that's about it.
Mono, hsv, and common colds are the main things I've seen spread through kissing but these are typically visible. I've heard that syphilis, gonorrhea, and hpv can spread through deep kissing but haven't known anyone personally get them this way.
Oral is sex and as risky for most stis. I've tried dental dams and covered oral but I'd rather kiss than do that.
HIV is the most dangerous sti but it also has a much lower chance of spreading than the others. This does depend on viral load, amount of contact/friction, immune system strength. If you're paranoid about HIV look into PrEP. https://www.cdc.gov/hiv/basics/prep.html
You almost certainly won't get HIV ffrom kissing, handplay, or oral due to the low blood-blood contact.
With mono, they'll be tired and won't feel well-typically easy to spot.
If HSV is blistering or chapped, it's likely to spread. Especially on a windy, chilly beach at night. I know multiple people who only got 1 hsv-1 breakout genitally and then never get it again who, ironically, actually got it on a beach at night. Also, hsv is rarely tested for. There are blood tests to know for sure but most people have hsv1 dormant most of the time and it won't spread this way. Chicken pox is a form of hsv that almost everyone has had. There's a lot of fear mongering and shaming around hsv but be patient and present and you won't have any problems.
If chalmydia, syphillis, or gonorrhea are present, they're likely to spread and half of people are asymptomatic for these. They're cured with a pill but oral spreads these easy. That include rimming.
Honestly, I like to go get tested with the person at Planned Parenthood or county's std testing services. I tell them I like to get tested before playing with a new partner and ask if they're open to that. We'll typically have kissed but not had sex yet. I know the hours of the local clinics by heart and have multiple options so it's pretty easy to do. At least we'll get hiv tested together as it's free here, quick, and most other things are curable. If getting tested together doesn't work, primary doctors have all of these tests available and delaying or covering up saves a lot of anxiety waiting for test results.
If I'm meeting someone out of town I'll bring paperwork and ask if they've ever gotten tested/when the last time was, listen and gauge how aware they've been with their sexual health. I've noticed people actually relax after getting tested since they know I'm conscious about it and they're more likely to feel safe. As long as it's brought up in a relaxed, patient, non-judgmental way, it ends up being a bonding experience that builds trust.
If there's any doubt about the person I always use a condom. Put a drop of lube on the inside and outside to make it less likely to rip.
2. I need to make an excel sheet of sexual history. How do you share that in a socially acceptable manner with people if they've probably never even thought about their history.
I'll start with a question-if they've ever been tested, then I'll share when I was tested and my history, I'll be curious about when they first had sex, how many lovers/sexual partners they've been with.
I'll listen with an open heart and no judgement. I'll share my full history openly as well, starting with when I first had sex up to recently. If they haven't thought about their history, all the more reason to go in for a quick check up together. I inspired a girl who'd never thought about this to get all her sex partners tested beforehand too.
I like to tell my own history as a story. It depends on the person. I've never developed an excel, they might feel like their experience with you will be on a record if I'm hearing you right and it might be a bit tenser.
3. Agreed, my PP and I disclose all partners and use protection even with each other. I should up vaccinations and testing, though. Why doesn't mainstream sex culture practice neither honesty nor testing nor protection? >~<
I wish these were more mainstream. I think honesty and testing acknowledge the risks and people like to pretend they don't exist. There's a lot of shame, hiding, judgment around sexuality and this leads to a different culture/mentality around the practice. You and me can lead others to be more conscious here. We get tested and help others bring awareness into their own sexual health before indulging in all its delights.
4. When you say don't hold it in, do you mean that stopping sexual activity to pee and cleaning is better than holding, continuing, and then going to the restroom?
It depends on how bad the urge to pee is. The risk of a uti is far higher for a woman because they have a shorter urethra than men so bacteria reach their bladder easier.
Tell her beforehand, if you have to pee, let me know and we'll take a pause, I don't want you getting a uti. She'll know you care about her health before your pleasure. Plus, if she squirts after peeing, it'll taste better and she'll know for sure it's not pee.
5. This is probably a feeling more than anything else, but how do you determine whether a person is "trustworthy to be sexual with" or not?
Whether they've told me something hard to share early and proactively. If there's a hard conversation to be had, do they hide or share? Are you constantly finding out little secrets about her or has her story been consistent with more detail developing over time rather than a fragmented picture? Do they have white lies or are you "catching" them hiding/lying about things or do they tell you something hard to share upfront without you even having to ask because they value honesty and open sharing?
Your gut will guide you well here.
One peculiar thing in my experience is the more trustworthy, loyal people have a softer, warmer look to their face rather than a hard, stiff look.
6. Although many connections are of the cosistent and slower-to-progress intimate close friend norm set, some connections progress very quickly sexually, in the spur of the moment, so to speak. What are best practices with the latter situations - just don't do them, or?
Don't do them is not always realistic. If you're that in control of your urges, awesome. Enjoy the tension and let it simmer.
Proper use of a rubber will save you most of the time. Having paperwork on hand and asking when the last time they got tested can help initiate a conversation but this isn't always realistic if it's spur of the moment. HSV is the most likely thing to spread when using condoms but there will be sores around the pubic area for this that are typically visible.
