3 yrs to FI: ertyu's journal

[ertyu]

At lunch with my 67 y/o aunt:

Aunt: “so what do you do now”
Me: “I’m retired, like you”
She: “You’re not retired. You’re unemployed” pays the bill

thanks for the treat auntie

[bostonimproper]

Congrats on the move!

[ertyu]

thanks @bi

[Vaikeasti]

Congratulations on finally moving out!

And good luck and positive mindset for the renovation!

[AxelHeyst]

I'm a little jealous... I've lived in a bunch of different apartments, and the one I have *the most* nostalgia for was a total du--^H^HERE skill development opportunity gold mine. Congrats on the move, and +1 the "be easy on yourself, and let yourself take longer than you think you need".

[ertyu]

the squalor of the flat is really getting to me. just wanted to share, am not looking for a response. just, with irl people, you never know who might be living in similar squalor and you'd come out condescending and who mightn't be but might be judgmental and gossipy af. so i needed to write this down somewhere. i'm ok with small, i'm ok with simple, but squalor is hard in a way i didn't expect it to be, given that i grew up in worse conditions than this.

Add: so far, this is not working out how I imagined it. The imagination was that there are things I would need to fix on this place, which is fine because i have time and i need to develop skill and any spending on materials would be compensated for with cheaper rent. skill development would bring a sense of mastery, and seeing something start out horrible and end up looking nice, and seeing things constantly improve around me, would contribute to lifting me out of depression.

Reality seems to be that the place is a complete dump and there's no fixing anything. You scrub and the stains don't go away, so all you try fills you with a sense of futility rather than accomplishment (is this weak character on my part? does it mean i haven't worked hard enough?). The effort required seems overwhelming (depression? bad task planning? laziness, and i should just force myself?) The spending required is guilt-inducing. I work up some hope, I tell myself, well, I'll just pay a professional to come do it right and the professional wipes a rug over the stains, calls the job done, takes the money and leaves me with my stains.

This is triggering mental health shit, incl. shit about working up hope that I would be ok, then spending a guilt-inducing amount of money on therapy only to not be helped. Asking for help from people whose job it is to help me only for them to make a perfunctory go-through-the-motions effort and leave me behind. It's only dragging me down into hopelessness.

I really need to take a couple of steps back and get in touch with the core of what is important to me here. Then decide what parts I want to recommit to, and what parts I want to discard.

[Biscuits and Gravy]

Chin up, man, you just got there. Nothing has to be accomplished right away. Enjoy the freedom from your parents and try tackling little stuff as you like. If you’re having trouble with stains, dm me the parameters—I’ve had a lifetime of dump apartments and I’ve got two toddlers, so I know *all* the tricks. But really, be kind to yourself. You got this.

[ertyu]

Thanks, Gravy <3. I feel much better now, I was kind of spiraling but people talked me through a bunch of things in another thread and it really helped to get my head in order. strength to us both

[basuragomi]

I'm glad you got something good out of the situation with the wall stains. I think it's pretty important when going into any chaotic/messy situation to plan and implement a major change within the first 24 hours. I guess it's a tactic replacement CEOs perform as well, but it works psychologically. Like if you had started off with a bucket of paint and had the walls scrubbed and repainted first day - something big, visible, yet relatively low effort/cost for effect. Maybe it would have put you in a better frame of mind with an easy win rather than taking on several steep learning curves with few tools/supplies.

This graph gets posted a lot on these forums:


Setting up a voluntary project that continuously leaves you on the left side is guaranteed failure.

It's a special kind of despair felt after putting in hours of work, trying a dozen ways of doing something, looking over your progress and it looks just as bad as before. That's learning the hard way, and it sucks. I'm glad you're making the decision to only admit small amounts of misery at a time into your life.

[ertyu]

Right, and as a beginner one would have the tendency to stick to the left side because the immediate temptation is to get the "easy" stuff out of the way first. I thought about the same thing yesterday - I should have started with painting. I didn't precisely so I could pick off the "easy" things first ("low skill level") - painting isn't hard but is involved - but I also realize now I should have started with painting for precisely the reason you said. "Major visible change within 24 hours" is a good one to remember.

[ertyu]

Corona seems to be gathering force here. 15k cases and 550 deaths reported which seems like no big deal but I seem to be hearing people cough all around me these days. I have a bunch of lentils sitting around but as I just moved, I haven't stocked up on much else. Today was devoted to shopping for, and putting up second hand curtains (following up on "focus on beautification" + "see how you can cover shit up"). Pro: I now have curtains, and some of the ugliest shit in the corners can't be seen. Con: I need... literally everything. Cooking oil, spices, other legumes + rice for storable complete protein, multivitamins, oatmeal maybe. I've decided I'll be quitting coffee - I love drinking it, but it's one more thing to go get.

My city's central heating/hot water has been off for the month of august, which is why I have been doing bucket showers with water heated in my electric kettle. A weird benefit: the disaster that is my bathroom (tiny, rotten door, tile laid in a way that ensures water goes everywhere but down the drain) is way more manageable when I shower out of my bucket. Idk how much actual water I'm saving, esp. seeing how I seem to be running the washing machine all the time the last couple of days, but it's something.

Today did:

- got second hand curtains, washed them, and put them up
- got thread and needle, repaired some clothes. There was also some mending to do on the curtains.
- got a pair of scissors which ended up being extremely low quality, but should be enough to finally cut up my salvaged mattress foam into pieces to make seat covers and hopefully laptop sleeve.
- still have not gotten caulking supplies or paint.

[Alphaville]

hah, i got emergency caffeine pills for the pandemic, but somehow was able to keep receiving bulk deliveries regardless (1+kg sealed bags) and never needed them.

if you’re not on the clock/on the job it’s totally feasible, but beware of caffeine withdrawal symptoms mimicking depression. the headaches are nothing vs. the sadness & despair that temporarily ensue.

eg, see: https://www.livestrong.com/article/4202 ... epression/

it all goes away eventually though.

—

ETA: forgot to say that sometimes there’s real depression not attributable to withdrawal, which is cured by coffee, and i’d rather drink coffee than take meds though. i’ve been there already.

e.g. see: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog ... s-and-cons

[ertyu]

Unknowingly, many people self-medicate depression with caffeine. How to know if you’re doing this versus just getting a beneficial pick-me-up? Some tip-offs:

You consume more than four caffeinated beverages daily ... Or you keep increasing your caffeine intake to feel less depressed, but it’s losing its effectiveness.

oof.

... i guess we're about to find out. psychology today article says it takes a month to see what's what. But very good call, whatever happens next month shall be taken with a grain of salt. A very big advantage of doing this while unemployed is you can sleep it off. Makes the withdrawal much easier to bear. I know, because I'm very good at quitting coffee; I've done it many times

[ertyu]

thoughts on living without a fridge

one of the many and wondrous things that is wrong with the apartment i've rented is the refrigerator. it's old, it sounds like a plane about to take off, it only works when the dial is up to 6 or 7, and then it causes condensation to build up on the top of the fridge which also gets cold, because of course we also need to chill the top of the fridge. Now, a cold fridge top wouldn't be a problem if the top of the fridge weren't, for some reason, made of particle board. The condensation soaks into the particle board and has caused it to swell up and crack.

I had it on for about two days, and then I said fuck it.

Pros:

- forces one into fresh food for immediate consumption: e.g. eating tomatoes with feta cheese (feta can sit outside for some time before it rots, though the heat might cause it to continue to "ripen"), freshly cut salad with olive oil and balsamic vinegar (shelf-stable dressing), freshly boiled egg, etc. All food must be freshly prepared and consumed at once.

- the above works best with warrior diet, where you are eating one large meal a day anyway

- if one is to cook anything, one is forced to accurately try to estimate how much to prepare

- energy-saving and environment-sparing. no loud noises.

- no ability for chilled drinks, which are supposedly bad for your digestion anyway. if one wants a chilled drink, one is welcome to go down the 6 flights of stairs and go get it.

- one is forced to eat simply.

- one is forced into variety: no "let's cook all lentils for the entire week ahead", if you want lentils, you need to boil one serving.

- while this doesn't have to be the case, i find myself leaning towards vegetarian eating as meat is a pain in the butt to prepare.

- the inconvenience decreases as temperatures drop; once it is cold outside I plan to keep my food on the balcony, in a cupboard. let's see what the local seagull population has to say about this

- being forced to consider the particulars of living without a fridge improves one's resilience in the case of zombie apocalypse. Incentive to learn to pickle, etc.



Cons:

- any schemes dependent on cold storage or freezing won't work: e.g. meal prep sunday is a no-go. buying frozen fruit and veg and keeping it in the freezer is a no-go. buying meat on sale and storing it in the freezer is a no go. this might offset any savings you make by not running the fridge of doom

- i find myself cooking less and eating more raw produce now in the summer, but if you cook every meal (e.g. if you make a stir-fry or you boil one meal's worth of legume) you are firing up your electric stove multiple times vs only once with meal prep sunday like schemes. this might also impact on bills (I have an electric hot plate, ymmv if you're using gas).

- because every meal needs to be individually prepared, there are times when one is hungry and more likely to give in to buying slices of pizza and other such grab-and-go food items that are available. Bad for savings, bad for health.

- because I am not employed, I don't need to go grocery shopping only once a week. also, because of how eastern europe rolls and because my apartment is walkable to pretty much everywhere, it's not a problem to pop into the local tiny food store on a daily basis (there are such small stores virtually everywhere). a refrigerator is much more of a necessity when one works 10 hour days and has an hour's commute in either direction. grocery shopping may only be feasible once a week.

- during corona, if i want to stock up and go to the grocery store less often, my choices are limited to dry spices, rice, legumes, oatmeal, etc. this isn't an issue for me yet, but it could be an issue for some.

[AnalyticalEngine]

On caffeine withdrawal mimicking depression - I can definitely vouch for this. I'm trying to quit caffeine too, and on the days where I end up drinking more than my daily tapering allotment, I feel MUCH better. Unfortunately, it seems like caffeine withdrawal depression can last many weeks. Good luck with going off caffeine though!

On no fridge - Sounds like an interesting experiment, and I'm curious to see how it goes. I think something as radical as "no fridge" can really force one to reevaluate one's entire relationship with food and lead to making substantial gains. Sometimes radical actions are needed to get out of a local minimum. Let us know how it goes!

[Vaikeasti]

Wow no fridge.

Didn't wolf also experiment with this? Maybe some advice to be had there?

It sounds like you're making all the changes at once (moving, renovating, fixing, no fridge, exercise, less alcohol..and I'm surely forgetting something).
I fear having your attention so scattered is going to make you exhausted.
Is doing everything at the same time a working tactic for you or should you choose one area at a time to concentrate on?
Results can be seen in a shorter period of time if effort can be directed towards one goal at a time.

Take care and be merciful to yourself.

Could you buy a freezer with home delivery?
I think a freezer is more useful than a refridgerator. (Unless you start filling it with icecream.)
And it can be "rewarding" when young people carry your stuff up the stairs.

Ps. Send you a PM but you should ignore it since you have so much going on anyway.

[basuragomi]

If your water supply is cool enough, you could potentially set up some kind of water-chilled thrawl in your unplugged fridge. A small amount of summer cold storage for lower cost.

Another option for a quick meal, if you don't want to buy commercial shelf-stable bread, is to keep a sourdough starter active. Add some baking soda and fry, it makes a pancake in a few minutes. Goes well with cheese.

[ertyu]

My plan is, if I find I need a fridge badly enough, I'll turn it on. It functions, it's just ancient, massively electrically inefficient, loud af, and vaguely stinky. Oh, and there's the particle board fridge top which gets cold and gathers condensation (which, seriously, wtf )

So far, it's not a very big deal. Do not freak out, everyone. The sourdough fried dough sounds delicious tho.

Update on nuke-it-from-orbit door: I have cleaned it well and scraped off any peeling paint. Door is now drying on balcony. Seems ok to kick-plate

[Dave]

Hi ertyu,

I just read through your journal. Like others have said, you're a really good writer and the voice/angle you bring to the ERE forums is really valuable. I think a lot of us have had various challenges coping with the ERE journey and it's helpful to see someone so self-aware and articulate describe their pathway, both the good and the bad. Thank you for sharing.

It seems like you've been making a lot of big changes in the right direction lately, so keep up the great work!

Specifically with coffee, I've quit caffeine many times as well, and this time it seems I have been successful "for good" (says every addict ). I'm not sure where you're at in the process of eliminating caffeine, and it may seem obvious, but I highly highly highly recommend dosing yourself off it slowly if you're a heavy caffeine drinker. I reduced my consumption from 4+ cups/day to 0 over something like 2-3 weeks. No headache for me, but YMMV, I just think this increases the odds of a successful transition rather than cold turkey quitting.

I'd also suggest extra effort on your diet during this time. Caffeine severely masks hunger (be it from under-eating or poor quality of food intake) for a lot of people, so you may find your energy is extra terrible if you are not eating either enough quantity/quality foods. In my case, I'd been skipping breakfast for something like 10 years, and I found that resuming breakfast helped me transition off caffeine as my energy was so low in the morning. If you do intermittent fasting maybe you don't want to go this route, but it may be helpful in the transitional period at least.

Side note, I believe a lot of intermittent fasters who proudly talk about not eating but once a day are severely dependent on caffeine and would find it much more difficult without constant dripping of caffeine into their system - I say this as someone who noticed this in myself . It's possible to do without caffeine, but much less pleasant.

[ertyu]

Not a taperer here - the only way I've ever managed to quit something - i quit a 2 pack a day smoking habit in grad school - is cold turkey. The one time I managed to quit coffee and stay off for 2 years was cold turkey - and by that time i was walking around with a nalgene bottle full of coffee and pretty much drank it throughout the day instead of water. What got me back on it? Figured a bag of green tea in the mornings wouldn't hurt. Before I knew it, I was mainlining venti americanos. So, I know myself and I know what I need to do; the only thing is, I need to overcome that moment where I'm always "starting tomorrow"....

I envy all those people who can do moderation, it's just not me. One thing I know is, I must must must never ever touch harder drugs, ever.

So it really comes down to how I don't really want to quit - I enjoy caffeine and a part of me definitely grasps and clings on what it perceives as a pleasure - but I know I should for reasons of money and most importantly better sleep which I suspect would impact on depression once the initial withdrawal funk has sorted itself out. It's hard to give up feeling good now for the promise of feeling better and more clear-minded at some point in the nebulous future -- and it's even harder to stay off knowing that that first mug or two after a couple of months of abstinence would feel divine.

As I said - I should never, ever do any stimulant stronger than caffeine, ever.