Early Retirement Extreme Forums

Nowadays I just firmly, but politely, decline. I like the people I work with and they know that, but I generally don't enjoy socializing outside of work in groups. In tie folks have become fairly accepting.

weiss-blau wrote:Thank God that personalities are that inherent, that persons cannot change, now matter how hard they try...

That's just it. If I note someone is "cheating" on their contribution in the sense I described above, I pursue a tit-fot-tat strategy when it comes to future relations with them. "Fool me once..." and all that. See https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tit_for_t ... le_sharing ... if they try hard the next time, I'll revise my response, but until then I'll put in minimum effort. But I have noted that certain personalities are rather consistent ...

IlliniDave wrote:Nowadays I just firmly, but politely, decline. I like the people I work with and they know that, but I generally don't enjoy socializing outside of work in groups. In tie folks have become fairly accepting.

If there is no interest this really seems like the best way to do it, even though it was in the OP as a strategy to be avoided. I don't think anyone would be insulted that you don't want to watch pro sports, they just may not understand why . Making plans with a group can often be like herding cats. And much like dating (see modern romance by aziz ansari) while most people are inclined to implement ghosting or muddled communication they hypocritically claim a preference for people to be clear and direct with them. Much easier to buy tickets, plan car pooling etc. when the head count is known as opposed to riddled with maybes.

Coincidentally I notice in professional settings, pro sports teams are the topic of choice for small talk when meeting out of towners. But just knowing generally if your cities teams are doing bad or good is enough to get by.

I would agree the "just decline" approach will slow or limit upward career mobility. People hire and promote their friends. The catch is, this means you have friends that have fun doing things you don't like.

When I was younger, I tried doing the events anyway, because I wanted the money. It was miserable, effectively extending my work day, doing stuff I liked way less than work. I still remember one client dinner where the guy was humble bragging about how he hated his annual trip to Europe, followed by a dick measuring contest with my company owner over ski trips and country club memberships. Looking back, I suppose that was a demonstration for us underlings to aspire too...

jacob wrote:

weiss-blau wrote:Thank God that personalities are that inherent, that persons cannot change, now matter how hard they try...

That's just it. If I note someone is "cheating" on their contribution in the sense I described above, I pursue a tit-fot-tat strategy when it comes to future relations with them. "Fool me once..." and all that. See https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tit_for_t ... le_sharing ... if they try hard the next time, I'll revise my response, but until then I'll put in minimum effort. But I have noted that certain personalities are rather consistent ...

You mean the same way I**J are mostly an ableistic pack who can't grasp empathy?

@did Yes! I agree that in the beginning, I suspected that this might be "required" socializing and that's why I was feeling so much obligation. I have friends who work in big law firms and other such places where there is a lot of that kind of obligatory activity required if you want to advance. I don't think that's happening here so much.

i use these excuses:

1. plans already with a friend or family member
2. work will keep you late
3. you are going to be out of town(for weekends)

most people are only concerned with themselves and may even forget you didnt join 3 days later. i would place a bet that nobody asks you what you did instead in any detail, if at all.

@Scott-2 Make up is a awesome indicator that my values does not match with theirs, I totally agree!

If the thing interest me I would go, but if not I would just let go and tell them. You will probably have other occasions to socialize with them, in a contest you like more. On the other hand I also feel that sometimes I should go otherwise people just stop inviting me, and then I complain that people are boring .

Like many introverts I struggled for a long time with forcing myself to participate in extrovert events. Bars, parties, games, etc.

I'd say 1/10 times I had a good time, whereas 9/10 times hanging with 1-2 friends I had a good time.

You eventually get to the age/maturity level where you just arent phased by delivering a "no" anymore. It''s easy, and people will take more note of how you showed up and were a dud than they will if you passed with a common excuse.

"Oh man, I have plans already, thanks though" covers pretty much anything, and they dont try to shame you or talk you into it.

Just say you have other plans. I do that all the time.

At my new job, many of the folks go out to eat for dinner every payday. While I am an introvert, and don't like most group gatherings, the biggest drawback is celebrating having money by habitually spending it. It helps that the food in this city sucks. I went to the first dinner I was invited to, but thereafter I said no thank you, and now they don't even bother to ask. Just say no thanks and eventually they'll quit bothering you about it.