Anyway, I support your quest to find something bearable. I also find it's easier to seek personal growth when I'm not already overwhelmed by my current situation. Maybe you'll "find your legs" when you can do it on your own terms?
+1 and this is wise. I learned in CBT that exposure really only shines when progressed in dosages just like lifting weights. We don’t all just start bench pressing our bodyweight.
Eventually you’ll find yourself motivated to weirdly get reps in once you start feeling positive feedback - and that is where the growth is at.
Thanks, @mathiverse. Currently, I'm in a hybrid position, doing data analysis, reporting, and planning using mainly GIS tools. The more focused, solitary work suits me well, as does the opportunity to work remotely for two days. I don't feel pressured to socialize or perform at 100% during working hours. In the office, though, I find it hard to relax. Initially, I started with four days of remote work, but the company increased the requirement for in-person presence during this past year and a half. Nonetheless, my dream is to have a software business, either solo or with < 10 people. No meetings, no strict deadlines, fully remote, and with flexible hours and asynchronous communication. It might seem like a utopia, but I will strive to move in that direction. If having a company proves difficult, I'll aim for similar working conditions or consider retirement, depending on which comes first.
@Lemur, I am content with who I am, don't get me wrong. There appears to be a significant correlation between the time I spent on my first job and having suicidal thoughts. Interestingly, when I quit that job, my mental health improved. I cannot confirm if there's a causal relationship, but I had never experienced such thoughts before that job. When I take long holidays, I feel like my mind decompresses. Anyway, if the retirement option becomes viable, I will be able to test this theory further. Perhaps @Henry is right, and material conditions don't weigh as heavily as I think they do. I wish mental health could be measured with an objective test, like a blood analysis. The mind is complex, and I feel that going to therapy or finding a medication that works is a trial-and-error process. If I take a pill or go to therapy, my subjective experience changes, and I might feel better on the surface, but I can't measure if my brain is actually improving. Moreover, how can I trust my judgment in the first place if I'm medicated?
Suppose therapy and/or pills helped you with your day to day subjective well-being, would it truly matter or not that this can be measured objectively? Beyond intellectual curiosity, I’d wager it probably shouldn’t matter.
FWIW, there is at least some evidence in behavioral psychology that behavioral adjustments first lead to rewiring in the long run. Mentioned before but CBT is effective for this reason. Behavioral adjustments and reinforcements cause lasting changes in brain wiring. How that is measured I don’t know tbh, I haven’t dug that deep yet but subjective scoring is almost always higher for most patients.
I get the feeling though you’ll be much happier with complete autonomy. FI can certainly help you. Sometimes I think these days the only reason I’m not stressed about work is that I just have the power to walk away whenever I want. So it’s hard to let things get to me. I still find myself caring about deadlines though. Some things are ingrained but I don’t look at that as a bad thing. A healthy detachment from over introspection is necessary.
You mentioned something before about why it is expected of us to make changes ourselves instead of having the corporate environment changed to suit people better. I had responded something akin to well we can’t change that anyway so there is no point to try and instead we should “grow” instead. I got to thinking more about that and after reading some of Jin+Guice posts on a pathological society, it had me thinking here that my advice here was probably only relevant for certain types of people - people who have essentially accepted current conditions and don’t wish to fight systems any longer. That would be me. It’s easier to not have a fight in you when you’ve reached FI anyway. But still others are fighting the fight for better working conditions. I’ll try to remember this next time.
For the time being, I hope your future plans for what you want in your work go well. I have to applaud the idea of starting your own business with a vision of better working conditions for all. I’m a bit skeptical on how that can be done with the most minimal of forced gatherings (meetings and such) but we always need trailblazers.
Last edited by Lemur on Wed Jul 26, 2023 9:47 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Here is a snippet with bold added by me. There are 30 items in the list along with some explanatory paragraphs before and after if you want to read more.
https://basecamp.com/guides/how-we-communicate wrote:
1. You can not not communicate. Not discussing the elephant in the room is communicating. Few things are as important to study, practice, and perfect as clear communication.
2. Real-time sometimes, asynchronous most of the time.
3. Internal communication based on long-form writing, rather than a verbal tradition of meetings, speaking, and chatting, leads to a welcomed reduction in meetings, video conferences, calls, or other real-time opportunities to interrupt and be interrupted.
4. Give meaningful discussions a meaningful amount of time to develop and unfold. Rushing to judgement, or demanding immediate responses, only serves to increase the odds of poor decision making.
5. Meetings are the last resort, not the first option.
...
30. Communication often interrupts, so good communication is often about saying the right thing at the right time in the right way with the fewest side effects.
The company is profitable and successful. I can't say how well the internal culture aligns with this document, but it seems like it's the kind of culture that okumurahata could try to imitate and then iterate from there for further reductions. That company isn't hiring at the moment, but it could also be a potential employer for okumurahata in the future.
Indeed, DHH and Jason Fried are a reference for me. Their ideas on business are well-known in the industry, and they have always remained independent. The working conditions they promote align well with the introverted population. There is also Sahil Lavingia from Gumroad, who has an orthogonal approach to cookie-cutter corporations.
One thing I notice is that, in general, people agree that working conditions should be more aligned with XXI-century rules, but workers tend to comply and act uniformly in the office. It's nice to find people at your job who act differently, not better or worse, but who are fiercely independent. Perhaps they are FI and nobody knows.
Good month in terms of market performance. I bought stocks in the middle of July, and that has impacted the current cash. 0,5% progress towards FI compared to the previous month.
I have run some experiments. With no rent, I would be at 28,76% of the goal. If I also cut the gym, I would be at 31,58%. It's interesting; such a small cut charges the bar further than the 1564,6 EUR increase in NW over the last month.
Last edited by okumurahata on Wed Aug 02, 2023 2:43 am, edited 1 time in total.
The more I work, the more I realise how uncomfortable I feel around people I don't genuinely connect with.
As you get further in your career (because it seems you intend to keep working and keep working in your field), you may have more power and flexibility in choosing your teammates. Positions may become available within your organization that fit you better, or you may even be able to create your own position, if you have enough social capital (which is difficult to build up if you keep job-hopping).
I do want to press here a little bit and say, well, that’s also just life. To quote George Costanza, “you know we’re living in a society!” (A quote which, I must admit, immediately popped into my head when I read your journal title.) I second Lemur’s suggestions, particularly building up your tolerance. His suggestions will serve you beyond your working life.
You admit you must exist in this system for at least two more decades in order to reach FI, and while I understand and share the frustration with how corporations function, the path of least resistance here isn’t to completely overhaul the system (or to hope they will organically choose to cater to you). We are in our own control; companies, coworkers, deadlines, etc. are completely out of our control. While I am very thankful for everything the Labor Movement accomplished, it’s important to know ourselves, and it doesn’t sound like you would be banging on any doors, yelling about working conditions.
It sounds like the goal of FI aligns with who you are, but don’t just rush headlong at it, ignoring the opportunities for growth along the way.
I do want to press here a little bit and say, well, that’s also just life. To quote George Costanza, “you know we’re living in a society!” (A quote which, I must admit, immediately popped into my head when I read your journal title.) I second Lemur’s suggestions, particularly building up your tolerance. His suggestions will serve you beyond your working life.
At McDonald's, I always use self-service machines. Other humans prefer to deal with people. No option is better or worse, but choosing the machine is my natural selection process. Dealing with humans has a higher probability of errors, misunderstandings, and drama. If I choose wrong, it's my error, and I'm responsible for it. Building tolerance would be like forcing me to interact with the cashier by some arbitrary frequency (at my job, it's 3 times per week because someone at HR decided it). That's how my current job works; I'm forced to go to the office and interact with people. Eventually, I would improve my tolerance levels, and it's true that from a stoic point of view, the in-person rules of my company are something out of my control. I will not change that or complain about it to HR or bosses. However, it's probable that more people feel the same, and some businesses perhaps lose introverts due to these policies.
In conclusion, how can someone from the inside start to change arbitrary business restrictions? Well, I guess by starting small. For example, if I need to take a day off, I would choose a day when I am present at the office, e.g. Monday. Then, I would schedule meetings on Mondays as well, so that people don't see me at my workplace. Eventually, people would notice that I am not at my workplace on some Mondays. If I repeat this process, eventually they will assume that okumurahata is only 2 times per week at the office. Of course, this assumes that I still get the job done.
Full of doubts today, heart racing fast. It's summer, and most people are on holiday. I'm still at work and I feel lonely here. I don't want to be here, taking this job too seriously, as if my life depended on it. I know it's a stupid job, but I have the feeling that I won't find something better. I'm not that young anymore. I've seen many engineers who've struggled to find a new job. Interviews are quite draining. How on earth am I going to reach the ~320k I need to retire?
Yesterday, I went to play badminton with my girlfriend. She has such a laid-back attitude; I wish I could be more like her. On our way back home, we encountered a chubby cat. It came over to us, nibbled on some grass, and then sauntered back to its resting spot. Cats have no awareness of financial independence, yet they lack possessions like clothes, iPhones, cars, bills, and bosses. All they need is some food. What might be the human equivalent of a cat? Perhaps a monk. I've contemplated becoming one often, but the idea of abstaining from sex is quite unbearable.
That's accurate, but there is a distinction. Cats can exhibit incredibly impolite, passive-aggressive behaviors towards their caregivers, yet they'll still be provided for. Monks, on the other hand, face numerous restrictions: compelled to be kind for sustenance, lack of sexual activity, and a mandatory 5 AM wake-up. Let's abandon the previous comparison. Cats seem to hold the advantage over monks.
August is getting closer to the end. Over the last week, we went from nearly 40 down to 18 degrees Celsius in Barcelona. Seems like there's no need to travel anymore; the weather takes you to some right surprising places every week. Perhaps next Monday we'll have a bit of snow around here. Or maybe we'll hit 50 degrees. Never have I been so excited to wake up in the morning; wondering if I should sport a short sleeve or a jacket.
Speaking of work, I felt a bit lonely at the office at the start of August, but after a while, it turned into pure bliss. No bosses breathing down my neck, just one or two emails a day, five at max. Office is deserted, just a quick 15-minute commute, and the AC's free-flowing. Working in August is rather lovely. Today, loads of folks are making their way back, and okomurahata is starting to dread the office grind again. Anyway, on the bright side, I've put my time at work to good use by learning to use Power BI, which, at this point, seems like a must-do to report to the higher-ups.
If I was a business, I reckon I'd be giving out a profit warning. Managed to change the wheels on my motorbike (cha-ching), bought some new Timberland boat shoes (cha-ching), and got a helmet for my girlfriend (cha-ching). Tapped into this year's dividends, so it ain't hurt too much.
My mood has notably improved this month due to the leisurely pace I've experienced, despite having spent more money than usual. I find myself contemplating whether higher expenditures are correlated with being happier. It appears to follow a pattern: the higher my stress levels, the more inclined I am to desire an early retirement, which in turn leads to reduced consumption.
Last edited by okumurahata on Tue Aug 29, 2023 5:32 am, edited 1 time in total.
Given that my salary and expenses remain unchanged and inflation is 0%, according to ChatGPT's calculations, I should attain financial independence between Q4 2030 and Q2 2035.
Yesterday, I had breakfast with one of the coordinators at my workplace. He is an engineer in his 60s and will retire soon. He ordered a Spanish ham sandwich and a Coke Zero, while I ordered a latte. We get along well, but I realized how cautious people are during work meals. For instance, he began discussing a political topic that I didn't agree with and quickly backpedaled as soon as he realized it. It's a pity because I hold the opposite point of view, and perhaps it could be a great topic of conversation outside of work. However, here, every word needs to be measured to avoid potential issues later.
Later, as I rode my motorbike back home, I wondered if this is a good way of living. Should I express my opinions freely when I feel like it, or is it better to exercise caution? Genuine connections form when you are sincerely yourself, but it's important to remember that you aren't at work to make friends. I grapple with these conflicting dilemmas—whether to be true to myself regardless of consequences, where the worst-case scenario could be getting fired, or to continue receiving a paycheck by not fully expressing myself.
I also confront the conflicting dilemma of being a lone wolf and the potential mental health consequences associated with it. My introverted personality is often at odds with people, yet I recognize the need for a certain level of social connection. Maybe I'm not entirely a lone wolf; I'm more like a cat that requires 90% of its time alone and 10% in contact with other beings. I anticipate that this diary will be filled with conflicted and contradictory thoughts. On one hand, I feel a general aversion towards people, while on the other hand, I recognize the necessity of some social interactions to maintain my sanity and prevent isolation.
P.S.: I have just realized that the bars drawn by ChatGPT yesterday are not proportional. I will leave them as they are, so that I can observe what unfolds in the future. Intuitively, I believe the prediction is overly optimistic, particularly when considering that the S&P 500 currently maintains a PE Ratio of 25.68.
Several colleagues have resumed working again; almost the entire team is now back in action. Today marked the onset of stress. It's quite a contrast from the blissful ~4 weeks ago. This experience has solidified my aversion towards people and open offices, which can be hell for introverts.
During today's weekly breakfast, it was time to listen to coworkers sharing stories about their vacations, all following the same shitty cookie-cutter narrative of happiness in country X, where they have so little yet smile a lot. Additionally, there was a photo slideshow of Instagram pictures from the same places everyone had visited.
When it was okumurahata's turn to discuss holidays, he reminded people that he was in the office, putting on a pretense of work, enjoying the absence of his coworkers and the stress that it alleviated from okumurahata's heart.
Tomorrow, I'll be working from home, but I need to mentally prepare for the upcoming months until December. That's when I'll take a holiday to recover from the stress that has accumulated over the past year.
On a different note, I received my paycheck today, that feels like another dose of cocaine. By the way, the damage from last month's spending wasn't as significant as I had anticipated. Tomorrow, I'll share some numbers...
Should I express my opinions freely when I feel like it, or is it better to exercise caution? Genuine connections form when you are sincerely yourself, but it's important to remember that you aren't at work to make friends. I grapple with these conflicting dilemmas—whether to be true to myself regardless of consequences, where the worst-case scenario could be getting fired, or to continue receiving a paycheck by not fully expressing myself.
Your colleague was wise to backpedal. You might have wanted to have a calm, interesting discussion of opposing points of view but many people get really angry and batshit about their political views, or very judgmental in a way that they immediately dislike someone with an opposing view which can interfere with how well you work together. This is also why you get the bland bullshit vacation discussions that you mention in the most recent post. At work, people look for surface-level pleasant topics.
On the other hand, this doesn't mean you have to give up on the soon-to-retire colleague you enjoy talking to. There are two approaches open to you. One is, keep your interactions how they've been so far and, once he does retire, write or tell him something along the lines of, "I have really enjoyed talking to you and would love to continue meeting up for coffee once a month or so." This isn't too much to ask and he might enjoy it. Then you can ask him about how his retirement has been going and what he's been up to. Now that you don't work together, you can also discuss any more controversial issues. If he does backpedal again, you can always explicitly say that you find his opinion interesting even if it's different from yours and would be interested in discussing and hearing more.
The second approach is to invite him for coffee or a drink outside of work. As opposed to having lunch together, this indicates that you're interested in talking more frankly and more in depth than would be warranted by a regular work "let's have lunch together."
If you try either of these and he says no, don't take it personally. He might have other responsibilities that take his time after work. Or he might be eager to leave the work world behind completely once he retires and might not be interested in maintaining connections with anyone from work. Just assume he has his reasons and move on to another person you enjoy talking to.
On the other hand, this doesn't mean you have to give up on the soon-to-retire colleague you enjoy talking to. There are two approaches open to you. One is, keep your interactions how they've been so far and, once he does retire, write or tell him something along the lines of, "I have really enjoyed talking to you and would love to continue meeting up for coffee once a month or so." This isn't too much to ask and he might enjoy it. Then you can ask him about how his retirement has been going and what he's been up to. Now that you don't work together, you can also discuss any more controversial issues. If he does backpedal again, you can always explicitly say that you find his opinion interesting even if it's different from yours and would be interested in discussing and hearing more.
The second approach is to invite him for coffee or a drink outside of work. As opposed to having lunch together, this indicates that you're interested in talking more frankly and more in depth than would be warranted by a regular work "let's have lunch together."
That is wise, ertyu. I think it will be easier to form a real relationship when one of us doesn't work at the same place anymore. It's true that people walk on eggshells in formal environments. Rather than seeing holding back as something negative, I should take his attempt to talk about non-business topics as a sign that he also enjoys talking to me; that's why he let his guard down. I will suggest to him that we have a coffee in the future, but a rejection, even if not taken personally, would still be disheartening.
I'm also thinking that perhaps I am signaling extreme formality at work. I guess that I appear really serious. I put on this facade because I'm introverted on one hand, and on the other hand, to protect my sanity from workplace drama, but it also has an impact on the relationships I form. Some more extroverted people have a network to rely on, but when this contract ends, sooner rather than later, if I were to rely on someone, I wouldn't know where to begin. When I hear people talk about how person X could facilitate a job in business Y, I wonder how they do it. I've never gotten a job with the help of anyone, and I'm not saying that as something positive, but as something descriptive.
Even with the replacement of the wheels on my motorbike (costing 173,22 EUR), a new helmet (59,98 EUR), and new shoes (63,64 EUR), I managed to save approximately 700 EUR this month. My motorbike will turn 14 years old soon, and I'll need to replace the brake pads and oil. I'm delighted that I can use things for such a long time.
Moving on to a different topic, my girlfriend will be getting her visa soon and will start applying for jobs. If everything goes well, I should be able to save a little more in the upcoming months. But, I've been working in this job for 1 year and 6 months now. The contract is expected to end between December 2023 and June 2024. I haven't decided what I'll do afterwards, but I might spend some time working at the library while I look for another short-term contract. This contract that I'm currently in was initially for 9 months, but they extended it. At this point, it's getting quite lengthy...
A few months ago, I purchased a round-trip ticket with Swiss International Airlines (previously known as Swiss Air). The outbound leg was a standard ticket, while the return leg included a cancellation/refund option since it was three months in advance. The total price of the ticket was approximately 1.000 EUR, with 400 EUR for the outbound and 600 EUR for the return journey. Due to personal reasons, I needed to cancel the return ticket in August.
During the refund process, Swiss Air's chatbot informed me that the refund amount would be less than 40 EUR. Confused by this, I contacted customer service, thinking that the chatbot might have a bug, as it appeared to be from the 90s. The agent reviewed the reservation details and confirmed that the refund amount was indeed 40 EUR. The reason for this was that when you purchase a round-trip ticket with one leg having a cancellation option and the other without, the most restrictive condition applies. In this case, the cancellation didn't apply for the return trip. This left me unable to obtain a refund for the ticket for which I had paid extra for the cancellation option.
I couldn't help but wonder why the hell the website allowed customers to select the cancellation option and pay more if it couldn't be applied later. The agent's response was that I should have carefully read the terms and conditions.
At this point, my only recourse was to contact my bank, open a dispute, and attempt a chargeback. I followed through with this process and successfully received my money back at the beginning of August. Just when I thought everything had been resolved, I noticed that the charge had been deducted from my account again two days ago. It appears that the company has a 45-day window to contest chargebacks. Now, they must demonstrate that they were in the right, and I anticipate they will send a pdf to Mastercard, crafted by astute lawyers, citing the terms and conditions where this particular scenario is outlined in Arial 5. Unfortunately, it seems likely that I will lose the case, and I will have to bid farewell to the 600 EUR.
I can somewhat fathom why this company went bankrupt in 2002 and why they are being given a second chance in 2023. There are horror stories all over the internet about their non-existent customer service and how such practices seem to be the norm in their day-to-day operations. I fail to comprehend why common sense doesn't prevail in such cases. There should be mechanisms in place to safeguard customers. For instance, one could consider not requiring full payment for the ticket in advance but rather upon arrival from point A to point B. Alternatively, implementing an automatic refund policy if a flight is delayed by a certain number of hours, regardless of who is at fault. After all, the airline is responsible for ensuring that you arrive from point A to point B within a specified timeframe. In 2023, we have the technology and mechanisms available to fully automate these processes.
