Mitigating the risk of losing 50% in divorce

[7Wannabe5]

@Slevin:

I think that polyamory, at least as I practice it, is actually meta-modern, because the power structures are fully recognized and repurposed. Also, because my first marriage might be described as naive post-modern, I am well aware of the problems inherent in the post-patriarchal , such as lesbian-bed-death-of-the-heterosexual-marriage or rational-robotic-romance-death of the super-modern marriage*.

@jacob:

That is true, but more critically, it also requires the ability to flow meaning through multiple narratives with no prior guidance for how that is done.

@Ego:

Your observations are not invalid. I guess the open question is what is driving the trend and where is it headed? I sometimes think it would just be easier to go back to being monogamous, but it’s kind of like that train has already left the station, because even if I were to be de facto celibate or monogamous, my perspective is now pretty solidly polyamorous, because I can’t unsee that it is possible.

*Which is why I think if you are going to be otherwise traditionally married, you should have joint finances.

[Laura Ingalls]

I don’t think most of us are good enough of humans for marriage or polyamory. I think a key is to keep cycles of loving, virtuous behaviors going and nip nasty resentful crap at the bud. Not by not having negative feelings or conflict but by sanely figuring stuff out.

I was a rather crummy parent to my elder child in his late teen years. I am working hard to not be that same person again to his brother (who was afraid/stressed that his brother and I were going to end up with no relationship.) So far so good, the reasons are many and would make for a very long post.

[Western Red Cedar]

I don’t think most of us are good enough of humans for marriage or polyamory. I think a key is to keep cycles of loving, virtuous behaviors going and nip nasty resentful crap at the bud.

Ideally, our life partners inspire us to be more loving and virtuous - to be better people.

I was listening to an interview with Esther Perel and she made a compelling point that modern marriage requires much more than it did historically. This is one of the reasons so many relationships are under strain or fail in the long-term. We now demand a unicorn in a life partner - lover, friend, muse, parent, roommate, business/financial partner, etc....

[lillo9546]

I can't tell you, but from what I can see from the people around me, I have two couples of friends, both with two children. Both couples have known each other since they were 15 and are married. (They're in their early 30's)

Their relationships are very turbulent, but the main thing is that they have used major life events (having children, marriage, buying house, living togheter, etc.) as methods of reconciliation from their numerous arguments.

We all saw them and told them that their relationship was not healthy, but toxic. However, they have perpetuated it and created an image that could seem like a 'happy family' to the eye of a stranger.

Now, marriage or any LTR are hard, but I just want to make sure that what I'm talking about is not what you're saying too when talking about "marriage is difficult".

My mom and my dad are in a toxic LTR, my sister and my BIL too.
They have kids, again a marriage, but I don't think their "difficulties" are the same as a healthy LTR could have.