the animal's journal

[saving-10-years]

+1

What a fantastic summer you have planned. Hope it all goes very well and look forward to stories on progress and reflections afterwards.

[Chad]

Nice! That's a better summer than most people have planned. I'm looking forward to the updates (bookmarked your blog). Keep the bear spray handy!

[theanimal]

This is a tough post for me to write.

In a few hours, I will be leaving Alaska heading back towards home. In short, I failed and I failed quickly. I had been anxious and unsure of my plans ever since I got to Alaska. I made it up to the Brooks Range and my starting point after a failed hitch-hiking/walking attempt that left me with a low level of confidence.

As I arrived at my starting point, the immensity of the task I had to accomplish and the true remoteness/wilderness left me feeling incapable and very unsure of my abilities. In short, I did not feel mentally prepared at all. I spent the night there and, after much thought and discussion with my parents, I realized my heart wasn't in it anymore and caught a ride back to Fairbanks.

I had spoken a lot before with others about completing the task alone and how I thought it wouldn't be a problem. Well that ended up not being true. At this point in my life, the vast remoteness of that area is something that I feel I can not endure on my own.

This was a very tough and disappointing decision for me to make after committing four months to planning. While short, this trip will have a lasting effect and has taught me a lot about my personal limits and trip planning among other things. Hopefully, I can get back into a solid state mentally and figure out what to do from here once I get home.

[JohnnyH]

I think you displayed much wisdom... Hone your skills, fight another day. I've had to turn back many times. I didn't like it on the trail with destination fixation, but with a clearer head I know it probably saved my life more than once.

[Ego]

One of the ways to gauge maturity and wisdom is to see if the person knows when to alter plans. But knowing when is only part of it. They must also have the courage to make the change. Sticking with plan A is overwhelmingly tempting when there is no plan B. It gets a lot of people into big trouble. I've got even more respect for you for making that hard decision.

[Chad]

All the positives about failure listed by everyone else are completely true. It's also completely true that failure sucks big time. In the end, this will be good for you. Though, that probably isn't much comfort right now. I know it wasn't very comforting for me after my failures.

[Gilberto de Piento]

Sorry to hear about the change in plans. Sometimes its better to retreat and regroup. Solo adventure is especially difficult.

Have you considered an alternate adventure, one that is still a challenge but less daunting?

[sky]

One time I was going to drive up to James Bay, northern Quebec, to see the real northland. I made it up to northern Ontario and realized I was not adequately prepared or equipped and kind of freaked out in a remote area. I worried a lot about little things like the gas pumps didn't take credit cards and I didn't have enough cash or, do I have good camping gear, I haven't tested my gear, or will my car break down, what do I do if it does? I was afraid of bear when camped out. I was not used to driving for hours without seeing another car. The distances were much further than I had expected and I was on a schedule and behind. I was not used to not hearing any city noises and not seeing any people. The wind blowing on the tops of the tree canopies sounded like spirits traveling from horizon to horizon, apparently you don't hear this when there are background noises in the city. I had a panic attack and headed back to Michigan.

Three years later I went back with a newer car set up so I could sleep inside the car, gear that I had practiced with, enough time and cash, and made it to the northernmost point that you can drive to on James Bay, a boat launch near Radisson. It was the greatest trip of my life. It was even more remote and more intense the further north that I got. But I had gotten some basic experience a few years before and knew what to expect.

So don't underestimate the trip you made, it is experience that can help you out in the future.

[theanimal]

I really appreciate everyone's support and thoughts. I'm happily home now and have no regrets of my decision. I'll definitely have to continue to ponder this over the coming days and weeks and see what I can take away from this. I have no doubt that this experience will somehow benefit me in the future.

[saving-10-years]

This was a very mature and thoughtful decision. Definitely sounds like the right decision for the circumstances. You've learned a lot and as @Sky's story suggests you will be able to draw on that for your next adventure. Most people your age would not have a) thought to do anything so ambitious or b) not recognised when it was a good idea to draw back.

[tommytebco]

How can you know you love a meal until you taste it?
There's no shame is deciding you don't love it.

[riparian]

Hey, I'm glad you turned around. The wilderness here takes a little skill and a lot of experience - both of which you can totally get if you want.

What's your next adventure?

[TheFrugalFox]

I am sure most of us on this forum has had idea similar to yours that has failed,so don't beat yourself up about it. For me is was a cycling trip around Europe - 2 couples. My at the time girlfriend pulled out, after months of planning, in the last week. I did about 450km of the trip on a hugely overweight bike in the poring rain before conceding defeat. But I did learn and a few years later enjoyed 2 weeks cycling around the north of Wales travelling from hostel to hostel on a much lighter bike and in summer.

[theanimal]

@S10y, Tommytebco, FrugalFox- Thanks for your comments. As they say in the entrepreneurial world, fail early and often. The lessons I learned won't be leaving me any time soon.

@ Riparian- I'm not entirely sure what my next move is, I've been trying to figure that out these past few days. I may have a shorter trip happening in the next couple weeks but nothing is definite yet. I think the general idea will be to do a few short trips to gain more experience, until I pick up seasonal work for winter. I also plan on completing Wilderness First Responder training/certification sometime in the next couple months.

[theanimal]

I quickly formed new plans after my return from AK. I've been in Colorado for the past week. I decided to join my family on their trip out here. After they leave I'll remain here until mid-August, spending a few weeks hiking some of the Continental Divide Trail, climbing a couple 14ers with a friend from NOLS, obtaining my Wilderness First Responder certification and finally thru hiking the Colorado Trail. Certainly not my initial plan for the summer but I think it'll work out just fine.

[theanimal]

Transitions and Mind Games

My mind likes to twist my ideas. As some of you may have noticed in my journal, I've jumped from one idea or potential job to another over the past year or so. For a while now I have been very happy/satisfied with my plan to work in outdoor education part of the year and go on my own adventures or do whatever I want the rest. But there are days like today where I really question this and feel somewhat lost. I've considered all types of jobs ranging from the military to programmer to various outdoor jobs.

My hypothesis for why this has been occurring is because it's finally set in that I'm done with school and I'm not used to this (potential) freedom. Maybe I'm just scared? I'm not really sure. I do believe that outdoor education is the right path for me.

Anyways I went on a long hike today and thought much of this over. Just wanted to get it down in writing.
-------------------------------------

In other news I've had to back off my plan to hike part of the Continental Divide Trail due to the ridiculous amount of snow that is still on the ground. Hopefully things continue to melt out in time for the Colorado Trail in a few weeks!

[Chad]

Transitions and Mind Games

But there are days like today where I really question this and feel somewhat lost. I've considered all types of jobs ranging from the military to programmer to various outdoor jobs.

My hypothesis for why this has been occurring is because it's finally set in that I'm done with school and I'm not used to this (potential) freedom. Maybe I'm just scared? I'm not really sure.

This is not uncommon at all. I still feel this way a lot and I'm 41. Though, I think why I feel this way now is not because of the potential freedom, but it probably was the reason I felt this way when I was just out of college. I would suggest embracing the feeling and not pushing it away (I'm not suggesting you are doing either). It's not like failure or realization that your current plan isn't the correct one really has any significant consequences, and success means you found the your current path. The risk/reward ratio is strongly tilted toward the reward side for you.

[theanimal]

Thanks, Chad, that's some sound advice. I'll just have to grow to embrace it. Realizing that I really don't have anything to lose.

[Chad]

Your welcome. I like thinking about it like the Baz Luhrmann "Wear Sunscreen" song/rap suggests:

"Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what you want to do with your
life…the most interesting people I know didn’t know at 22 what they
wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40 year
olds I know still don’t."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sTJ7AzBIJoI

[Dragline]

I view your experience as a victory. You have escaped the "foolish consistency" I often babble about.

But of course, I like the Chris Rock version of that speech more than Baz Luhrmann's: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j9yBPcn8IqU&feature=kp