Just Gravy

[ertyu]

I like your idea of sitting with the kids while they work. They don’t get homework, but they probably should be doing some sort of lessons at home so we can create that habit. Maybe Spanish? Complex math problems would not be my first choice, haha.

Someone I know who now works at Microsoft was recently telling about how her parents tutored her in extra math beyond grade level after school and how much that did for her. It felt like bonding time, and like her parents were invested in her success. It impressed on her that her parents find academics important. Being effortlessly good at math and competing for her school made her feel pride in herself and confidence in her abilities. She talks about finding a journal from fifth grade, "I like me because I'm good at math." She married a phd scientist and is determined to do the same for her own children. But underneath it all, it was the bonding.

[7Wannabe5]

When I was growing up she was vocally hypercritical of her own body and others’ bodies (“wow, that woman should not be wearing those shorts” was a common refrain) and so I developed an intense insecurity wrt appearance and weight.

Yeah, my mother who was constantly battling the pudge herself wasn't quite that bad when I was young, more at the level of "You have a cute little figure, you just need to tighten it up a bit." or "You have a pretty face, so it's a shame when you put on weight and it gets a bit puffy." I think this was also driven by her manic-obsession with clothes and fashion, "You don't want to put on any more weight, because you know the best designers only go up to size 10." I was never overweight until my pregnancy/breast-feeding era, so it was more like picking around the edges.

Also, we all suffer from vanity to some degree, or maybe at least a desire to maintain some small wad of erotic capital. I have cut myself some slack over the years, but I am still currently inclined to remain some degree of unhappy if/when I have expanded beyond 169 lbs on my large/medium mix frame at 5' 9" (exactly the size of the median American male, although quite differently composed ) So, really my only improvement in functioning is that I no longer cling to the rarely achieved Holy Grail Ideal of 134 lbs. I think the cross-over point for me was an occasion in my early/mid 40s when I had just managed to diet myself back down to 164, and I was informing a much younger man I was frequently hanging out with that summer that it was my plan to lose X more lbs. and his honest-out-of-the-box response was "Why?" Then a couple weeks later when our relationship tipped over the edge from friendship, I observed that 44 years and 164 lbs proved virtually no impediment to literally finding oneself fucked right across the floor and back by 32 years and maybe 159 lbs. spread over approximately 6 ft. My point here being that to the extent one is interested in maintaining erotic capital value, if you combine all the guys who actually prefer a bit more junk in the trunk with all the guys who are reasonably happy with anything resembling a .8 or less waist-to-hip ratio, you can pretty much Pareto dump the guys who strongly prefer skinnier with no net loss to revenue stream and significant reduction of overhead costs.

This is even true if you are 60 years old and your waist and hips have expanded to pretty much the maximum acceptable variation on .795 waist-to-hip ratio. I was recently watching White Lotus with my mother and I gloomily commented that the Jennifer Coolidge character kind of reminded me of myself (if you sub in absent-minded-klutziness for drunken-insanity and overly plain wardrobe for overly fancy wardrobe) and my mother said, "No. She's not pretty, and you are." So, if you wait long enough there is some hope for the bitchy-mother-daughter dynamic to eventually mellow a bit in your favor too.

[suomalainen]

@7 maybe your mom only chilled when she passed her last fuckable day?

[7Wannabe5]

@suo:

LOL. No, more like the last day she was able to open a potato chip bag without assistance. She was only 62 when my father died, and she didn't even give a moment's consideration to the possibility of dating again. I think mostly because she very much likes to be in charge of her reality, because Type 8/7 on the Enneagram. Her marriage to my father was like a power-balanced death match to the bitter end. Very Elizabeth Taylor/Richard Burton. Loud volume fights with 40,000 plus word vocabularies.

Unfortunately, I do not know any women who had last fuckable day in 80s. I do know of several who persisted well into 70s. I may have to make it my goal to push that envelope, although would also likely be a push to find a functional partner. My oldest partner thus far was 75. I thought he was 70, and only found out that he lied about his age to me for the two years we were together when I read his obituary (ESTP, obviously.) Getting a rise from 75 is not super easy when you are 45, so I imagine getting a rise from 80 when I am 80 would be at least a quantum level more challenging.

[zbigi]

I've been talking to my parents for years about them retiring, but I'm pretty confident it'll never happen. They don't see retirement as the reward at the end of a finish line (SD:Orange for the nerds) and they definitely do not see FIRE as having made it to the starting line for the rest of your life as I do. If they're lucky, they'll likely die [happy] on the job.

I've read about a survey made in Denmark, where majority (!) of people answered that they wouldn't quit their jobs if they won the lottery. It says a lot about protestant work ethic of Danes, but even more so about how advanced the Danish society is - they even managed to make jobs not suck.

[mooretrees]

Also, on the issue of gifted child refusing to do the work, I now know the solution which I didn't when my kids were the appropriate age. Unfortunately, it involves simply sitting with them for long blocks of time while they do their work, but interfering in the process as little as possible, but in a relaxed rather than punitive manner. IOW, not "helping", not "supervising", not "overseeing", just sitting at the table with them until the work is done. Beyond the fact that you are firmly enforcing the boundaries of the practice, the conversation during the process should be towards a peer professional level, because you believe that they are absolutely competent to do the work that has been assigned. So, not "How many problems have you done now?", but more "Have you learned any other strategies for multiplication?" or "Oh cool. You are learning about photosynthesis." IOW, the sort of light conversation you might engage in to exhibit interest in another adult's work, or journalistic inquiry. Setting up the table so it seems like a professional workspace with appropriate tools and provisions will also be helpful, and you should also bring some of your own work to the table, even if it's just something like crossword puzzle initially. This method best addresses the developmental schism between their ability to do work independently and their ability to do work alone. It will also provide you with better insight into whether they are being appropriately challenged. If their school isn't providing supplemental material, you may have to do it yourself. For example, more complex math puzzles to supplement simple math problems.

I haven’t had to use this with DS and homework yet, but in the ADHD world this is called ‘body doubling’ I think. Idea for ADHDers is that this works to help reduce the sorta activation energy to start a task that isn’t that interesting to the person because they have someone doing it (or something similar nearby). That’s why I’ve started family cleaning sessions with some success. I like 7’s description of it better than anything I’ve read before.



I love your writing, you are so so good at making me feel I know what’s happening. I hope you continue to find time to write your novel.
Also, as far as weight, sigh, it’s just tougher as we get older it seems. I had some health stuff keep me out of the lifting routine I had and boy does my body look different after two months! But, resistance training is my focus and while it’s not fast, it sure is satisfyingly to see biceps and shoulder muscles emerge after a few months. I’m thinking of taking the approach that if I can consistently hit high protein numbers, lift two -three times a week for six months to a year, I’ll look significantly different. I hope whatever you choose to do with your body gets you where you want to be! Also, take pictures and measurements now and put them into a hidden/locked folder on your phone. Do it monthly and you’ll be so happy to see your progress over time. Especially if the scale doesn’t go down as quickly as you’d like.

[NewBlood]

Notably, she’s exceptionally defiant and stubborn at home, too. At least I’ll never have to worry about her caving into peer pressure.

That's actually kind of awesome in a way, maybe?
I was way too terrified of my dad to even think of pulling that crap at home.
I don't know, I don't have kids, I'm sure it's exhausting, but it sounds healthier than the other way around. Up to a limit of course.

[Biscuits and Gravy]

Also, we all suffer from vanity to some degree, or maybe at least a desire to maintain some small wad of erotic capital.

I'm wondering if that desire to maintain some "erotic capital" is tied to self-preservation. Am I desirable enough that a man or my husband would fight off a marauding Viking for me? If I'm a mean old unfuckable crow won't the village men be okay with me dying? I know(?) that doesn't really apply to our modern, post-emancipation lives, but our times have changed faster than our brains/instincts, so maybe that's where all of the Sturm und Drang of "oh fuck, wrinkles/five extra pounds" comes from. Curious about your take there. I am not interested in attracting men other than my husband (and I'm not just saying that because my husband reads this). Even if Suo died unexpectedly, I sincerely doubt I would seek out another partner. Finding him was a once in a lifetime glitch in the Matrix for sure.

So, if you wait long enough there is some hope for the bitchy-mother-daughter dynamic to eventually mellow a bit in your favor too.

Haha, that's alright, I think I've worked through it enough to where I don't need my mom to tell me I'm pretty anymore. And she'd probably explode at even the thought of parsing together such words. She told me recently my eyes look really pretty when I put on eye makeup, and I'll take it since that's all I'm getting. I don't blame her, I forgive her for being human, etc etc.

I was way too terrified of my dad to even think of pulling that crap at home.

Same, but both of my parents terrified me. I was exquisitely well behaved, but completely maladjusted. So of course I'm trying to parent in a way that produces well-adjusted kids. No one's gotten it right yet, and I doubt I'll be the one to crack it. Sorry, kids.

She married a phd scientist and is determined to do the same for her own children. But underneath it all, it was the bonding.

That's a sweet anecdote, thanks for sharing. I hope your friend has a child (or children) who responds well to that sort of bonding so she can realize her parenting dream. My son would find such bonding tortuous--he bonds through rough-housing, active play, and cuddles. My daughter bonds through imaginative play, being spoiled, and drawing together. And, man, it would be awesome if parenting were only about bonding. I would be acing this shit.

@mooretrees Thanks for the fitness advice! I think I'm slowly, slowly making my way from the "restrict calories and lots of cardio" camp to the "proper nutrition and strength training" camp, which will serve me better in the second half of my life. Last weekend I dropped my last two remaining crutches of added sugar and caffeine. The sugar was giving me energy crashes and the caffeine was making me hella anxious. Sugar withdrawal is so uncomfortable (my lower back hurts like a mfer), but with more stable energy levels hopefully I can strength train and still have the energy to chase after the kids. You're killing it, btw. Love reading your updates.

[Biscuits and Gravy]

"The costly rites enjoined for those who die
Are but a means of livelihood devised
By sacerdotal cunning--nothing more...
While life endures let life be spent in ease"
- Brihaspati

April was a whirlwind of trips, activities, and people. Every time I came back to Houston the immense yoke of parenting seemed heavier, along with the other adult responsibilities which envelope me like "so many heavy coats" as Mary Oliver wrote. To fly off and live a less attached life for a few days at a time leaves me wanting and restless. Emerson wrote he would have whim carved on the lintels of his doorpost, but on mine HAHAYOUCHOSEPARENTING is deeply engraved (all caps, obvs).

Last night as a speaker obnoxiously blared "Dancing Queen" two feet from our white tablecloth table, the cyclist guy seated next to me kept pressing about where I had met my husband. "Online." "A dating app?" "No, a forum." "What kind of forum?" "A philosophy forum." "Which one?" "A niche one." "Oh, well just as long as you don't ask me any trivia about Nietzsche." Confused, I told him he mispronounced Nietzsche, because I'm an asshole, and, equally confused, he dropped the conversation. Now it tickles me to think there is a guy running (cycling?) around out there who thinks I met my husband on a forum populated by godless nihilists. Which... may not be far off the mark?

I did manage to get back into the 130s this month. I eliminated added sugar and switched to decaf coffee. My energy levels are more stable, I'm less anxious, I dropped 4ish pounds, I am less hungry, and my resting heart rate dropped by 10 points. I don't tolerate being hungry well, so I stopped doing intermittent fasting and am much happier. The out of town wedding I just got back from threw things off mightily, however: I couldn't avoid sugar and I got drunk twice after six months of sobriety, but the silver lining is I am recommitted to sobriety because now I find getting drunk and the after effects very unenjoyable.

I'm halfway through Volume I of Will Durant's The Story of Civilization. It's a real shame Mr. Durant wasn't immortal, because it would be cool if he could update his masterpiece with the last 100 years of discoveries. Highly recommend, even though he keeps footnoting comparisons between ancient women and modern women and repeatedly drawing the conclusion that a woman's proclivity to be "ornamented" is a timeless feature of our sex.

[Biscuits and Gravy]

"If I'm guessin', I reckon,
she's probably in Texas"
- Blake Shelton

It's that time of year when everyone is obligated to acknowledge their mother's existence and work. "Oh, I need to get you something for mother's day!" my lovely 7 year old said as I hustled her out the door to school. "I like services more than gifts--why don't you help me clean the house?" "Mm, no thanks," and off she skipped to the car I bought and maintain, her hair I just brushed bouncing up and down, with a snack I packed tucked in her backpack. They're at their dad's now, and I spent the morning cleaning the house. At least I got a nice night to myself last night, no kids or hubby, and I spent it letting the dishes rot in the sink while I ate a whole bag of Cool Ranch Doritos and binged an entire docuseries on the Vietnam War.

We briefly had a dog this past week. It was awesome. My mom found a Husky wandering with no microchip and no collar and she brought him to our house. While out walking or running him, I met and spoke with more of my neighbors this past week than I have in the two years I've lived here. I loved the mindless chit-chatting about dogs with complete strangers, and my dog-loving next door neighbor has been popping over like Kramer. I didn't realize how little socialization I really get now that I've quit my job and how good it is for my wellbeing. I felt a sense of community. Anyway, the dog's owner finally came to get him in response to one of our FOUND ads, and I was bummed and my kids were bummed and now I'm itching for a dog (although not a Husky, because wow those are some high maintenance dogs, and it seems cruel to have them in Texas). Suo and I are already leveraged to the hilt in responsibility until the youngest kid leaves (earliest possible in 12 years), so why not finance a Ferrari, too? Right? ...right?

I did finally cave into DD's persistent requests and agreed to get her a hamster for her 8th birthday because she was very helpful with the dog. Maybe it's also a way to spur the growth of some personal responsibility which will then translate into her owning all of her own stuff: her mess, her school, her choices, her life. Maybe, just maybe, getting her a hamster is the next rung on that oil-doused ladder to an independent adulthood. Fly, baby girl, fly, [let me] be free!

That's it, y'all. Nothin' of substance. Just Happy Mother's Day and I see all y'all moms killing it. Good work keeping civilization going.

[Biscuits and Gravy]

Instead of further burdening Suo and myself by adding a dog to our family, I chose to do something that lit up the exercise, community involvement, socialization, and raising well-balanced kids[1] bubbles on my WOG: I started helping neighbors out by boarding and walking their dogs. There's some gravy, too: I've earned $500 so far--the only money I've earned in 11 months--and I'm having new experiences and getting new stories (inspired by @iDave's recent posts). My only complaint so far is that I have to project and maintain an assertive, dominant energy when I have dogs (otherwise they're dicks) and for the last few years I have been reveling in my newfound passive, submissive energy. This is an annoying challenge, but it's a good study in how the energy we project matters and impacts others. For instance, the rescued, unhousebroken Pitbull I'm watching right now (the kids are at their dad's house for this one, don't worry) tries to hump me every time he feels me get excited about something. Otherwise he's great--I feel like a total boss when I walk him and it's all slack in the leash for the entire walk.

[1] The dogs take my attention away from the kids, which is great because I tend to smother my kids. They're also learning about how to safely interact with dogs, helping take care of the dogs, and earning their own cheddar (I offer to pay them to walk the dogs with me--they've only taken me up once on this, but I think baby girl is starting to catch on to how quickly saved money can pile up).

[suomalainen]

The rescued, unhousebroken Pitbull I'm watching right now (the kids are at their dad's house for this one, don't worry) tries to hump me every time he feels me get excited about something.

I have been replaced.

[Biscuits and Gravy]

You’ve been gone for four days! I ain’t no WWII wife.

[Biscuits and Gravy]

"Spite of all do you still chafe and complain, not understanding that, in all the evils to which you refer, there is really only one--the fact that you do chafe and complain? If you ask me, I think that for a man there is no misery unless there be something in the universe which he thinks miserable." - Seneca, Letter XCVI

I'm 80 pages shy of finishing Volume III of Durant's The Story of Civilization. I admit I skipped Volume II (Greece) because I was anxious to get to Rome and Christ, but I'll be damned if Greece didn't show up all over the place in Volume III, too. I finally get why it's Heracles and Hercules, why Christians put those Jesus fish things on their cars (the Greek word for fish, "i-ch-th-u-s," forms the initials of the phrase Ioesous Christos theou uios soter "Jesus Christ, Son of God, Saviour", and the fog of war encircling the mountaintops of my knowledge has receded to join them all in one contiguous chain, but mostly I'm utterly humbled by this man's work, by the years and mostly nameless people who have come before me, and by the inescapable cyclical nature of all.

Durant has engendered a change in my attitude toward religions; I am an atheist and have scorned religions publicly and privately. I feel ashamed of the pleasure I've taken in excoriating religions and recognize how puerile and small-minded that impulse was. I apologize if I posted anything upsetting to anyone in the past on that subject. It was childish of me. Durant's passages on Plutarch's embrace of religion I found especially moving, as well as this quote: "After the weakening of the ancient faiths had removed their frail support from the moral life, and the attempt of Stoicism as an almost natural ethic had failed with all but the best of men, a new supernatural [Christian] ethic accomplished at whatever cost to the free and dissolvent intellect, the task of regulating the jungle instincts of man into a viable morality." Durant so masterfully details the conditions which gave rise to Christianity, Rome's role in (literally) paving the way for its dispersion and organization, and how the faith and its predecessors have sculpted Western civilization that I believe I will see and appreciate its imprint daily for the remainder of my life.

Of course, I will remain an atheist, because, unlike Plutarch, I cannot overcome the "intellectual incredibility" of faith, but I'll give religion, and the people who choose to adhere to it, due respect from now on.

One of my other takeaways from Durant is that nothing is new--"the only difference is arrangement," as he says (which must be what Jacob thinks every time a new journal pops up). I don't have the book in front of me, but in Volume I Durant takes a quote from an Egyptian back in 2000 BCE or so lamenting the fact that "everything has already been done," and that did make me laugh. It's all a rehash, repackaged and relived billions of times. And I am, historically, a freak in that I have a hand in the arrangement of my life. And what will I do with it?

A full year has passed since I quit my job. Work, I realize now, really isn't so bad. Just like travel, removing yourself to or from a place doesn't change who you are or magically age your children to 18 and totally independent. I have one more $15k CD maturing soon, and that's almost the last of my "ffs I need a break" money, and I figure I'll look for a job while I have that comfortable buffer. I miss the mutual purpose, the socialization, doing something, using my brain, the structure, thinking about something other than the children, and being appreciated. I bet I'll be employed again by Christmas, and honestly I'm looking forward to it. I wish I could've gone on a three month AT through hike, but I doubt my ex, husband, and kids would have liked that. But everything else I do--read, workout, write, rest, travel--I'll be able to keep doing with the right job and mindset.

One more Seneca quote, because in spite of my newfound, more complete knowledge of him and Stoicism I still appreciate his words: "I persist in praising not the life that I lead, but that which I ought to lead. I follow it at a mighty distance, crawling."

[ertyu]

How will you explain the resume gap?

[Biscuits and Gravy]

“I have two small kids and I took time off to mom.”

[bostonimproper]

Religion is such a powerful social technology that I sometimes lament there’s nothing quite like it for secular humanists like myself to produce the same sort of community, shared purpose, and social coordination. Sure there are modern values like Science and Democracy. Maybe the Academy comes close sort of, but still lacks the same sort of broad adoption and appeal.

[7Wannabe5]

“I have two small kids and I took time off to mom.”

I usually just short-handed this as Family Obligations with a somber tone and let them imagine the worst.

@bostonimproper:

Have you considered splitting the difference and joining a Unitarian Universalist congregation? The one in my community is very much aligned with progressive politics and the Academy.

[bostonimproper]

@7w5 We definitely knew quite a few people in UU churches in Boston, and every once a while tried prodding my spouse that we should check it out. Sadly it’s not really a thing out here in Ireland.

[Stasher]

One more Seneca quote, because in spite of my newfound, more complete knowledge of him and Stoicism I still appreciate his words: "I persist in praising not the life that I lead, but that which I ought to lead. I follow it at a mighty distance, crawling."

Just sharing that I appreciated your recent journal entry and really like this quote, I don't have much else to add other than gratitude for the openness of the forums.