What is the most important thing in a long term relationship / marriage?

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jacob
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Re: What is the most important thing in a long term relationship / marriage?

Post by jacob »

@7wb5 - That's just the thing. One person's "too little" is [easily] another person's "too much". The worst part is that people tend to be more tolerant of this in the beginning of a relationship. After a few years, such incompatibility begins to grind though.

Since this has bearing on the likelihood of succeeding in a long term relationships, loosening the condition of "must do everything together" increases the likely of succeeding. For example, I have learned not to drag DW along on my death marches. Likewise, she has learned not to drag me along to the cinema to watch superhero movies. As for the actual overlap in the Venn diagram, there's also a determination of how much "doing together" is too much and too little.

7Wannabe5
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Re: What is the most important thing in a long term relationship / marriage?

Post by 7Wannabe5 »

jacob wrote:That's just the thing. One person's "too little" is [easily] another person's "too much". The worst part is that people tend to be more tolerant of this in the beginning of a relationship. After a few years, such incompatibility begins to grind though.
Absolutely, that was my point. I sometimes think of the 3 men with whom I have been in most significant live-together relationships as the Drama Prince, the Drama King, and the Drama Duke. The Prince was much more introverted than me. The King was much more extroverted than me. The Duke was about the same level of I/E as me, and so we rarely disagreed on amount of time spent together or privacy/social needs, even when we weren't particularly happy with each other otherwise. It is also obvious that my use of "Drama" as adjective points to what I perceive to be a consistent discrepancy in my type and or value-structure versus that of my most significant partners. Why does somebody so clearly Austen always go for the more Bronte boys?
jacob wrote:Since this has bearing on the likelihood of succeeding in a long term relationships, loosening the condition of "must do everything together" increases the likely of succeeding.
Absolutely, and the practice of polyamory further loosens the condition/constraints to include sexuality, and the practice of solo polyamory further loosens the condition/constraints to include sharing a domicile. ;)

Biscuits and Gravy
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Re: What is the most important thing in a long term relationship / marriage?

Post by Biscuits and Gravy »

Huh, maybe I am so blinded by my personal preferences, because I figured that “limit screen time around SO” was a totally innocent observation. I tried to find some statistics to back me up, because I vaguely recalled reading an article or two stating that “phone addiction” was a rising reason for divorce, but a half-hearted dig through Google didn’t provide any compelling or reliable sources. Apparently “lack of commitment” is the leading reason for divorce in the US, and I did (because of my biases?) interpret my ex’s constant screen usage as such. In my defense, he didn’t get a smart phone until after we were already engaged, and social media was just starting to blow up, so I couldn’t really have selected for “husband who isn’t constantly phubbing me.”

@7 Ok, agreed, and then maybe “spend quality time together” could then be lumped into “do you actually want to be with this person?”

7Wannabe5
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Re: What is the most important thing in a long term relationship / marriage?

Post by 7Wannabe5 »

@B&G:

I think "lack of commitment" is a bit redundant as leading reason for divorce. Maybe "lack of showing up" is more what you were getting at? If one partner doesn't "show up" then the other partner holds the responsibility of enforcing contract which sometimes means the responsibility of canceling contract. So, the real problem in most marriages is more towards "lack of clear commitment/contract." I mean at the outer limit most of us would divorce or leave a partner who was discovered to be a rampaging psycho-killer, but where do we actually draw our boundary? Unfortunately, although the vast majority enter "in it to win it" these boundaries are not often made clear until we do have the experience of being thoroughly "in it."
maybe “spend quality time together” could then be lumped into “do you actually want to be with this person?”
Maybe, but I think it ultimately come down to "under such and such terms." I mean under the simplest towards modern conventional terms, the borderline of marital success would be deemed the ability to retain something close to your own innate level of happiness while sharing a domicile and maintaining monogamous sexual contract with your partner. Thinking you could possibly be happier with someone else is one thing, but knowing you would likely be happier on your own is another.

Tyler9000
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Re: What is the most important thing in a long term relationship / marriage?

Post by Tyler9000 »

It's wild to realize that I first commented on this topic 10 years ago. I love that about ERE.

As DW and I are approaching our 25th anniversary next month, one more factor comes to mind. Stubborn determination to succeed. Once you both achieve the mindset that your long-term relationship is a point of pride, you have a way of figuring things out no matter how difficult.

Henry
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Re: What is the most important thing in a long term relationship / marriage?

Post by Henry »

We reached 25 years last year. There is a two-legged potato race marathon mind set that kicks in. I know two men roughly my age who are going through divorces at this moment. One had less than what I thought he had and lost all of it, one had more than what I thought he had and lost half of it. They are both segueing into new relationships, one a second marriage to a younger piece of ass, one a long distant relationship with a chick he couldn't nail in high school. The two marriages by he said accounts were toxic and unsustainable but there is no psychological thriller in either of the two. One wife is a bitch, one wife is an asshole. My bones get tired just thinking about it. To death do you part just seems like the most practical way to look at it especially at this age.

7Wannabe5
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Re: What is the most important thing in a long term relationship / marriage?

Post by 7Wannabe5 »

Your age when you hit the marriage mileage markers does make a difference. I was at year 19 when I separated from my first husband, but I was only 42 years old and about to become empty nest. So, the 20 year anniversary marker ahead looked more like "I've done my time." The fact that I have now been divorced for about as long as I was in my first marriage raising my kids makes me feel like I've experienced two distinct periods of adulthood, and I am now rolling into my third/last, but I am kind of clueless about what I am going to do with it. Getting married again seems kind of redux or pointless, unless maybe it was some new form of Level Yellow plus marriage. Late life marriage is also kind of dangerous, because in the U.S. white men over age 55 who own guns are the demographic with the highest suicide rate, and of those who are married at the time of their suicide approximately 1 in 30 also take their wife out at the same time. So, if you are an older female, you might be safer living by yourself in your car in a campground parking lot, even if you don't wrap your food up well enough to not attract bears.

Henry
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Re: What is the most important thing in a long term relationship / marriage?

Post by Henry »

I see these guys. You will be attractive to them because you are what their last first wife was not and they will reward you in a manner that tempts you not to change. The pimp will buy you new pair of high heels but keep you on the corner. The priest will forgive you but keep you in the confessional.

7Wannabe5
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Re: What is the most important thing in a long term relationship / marriage?

Post by 7Wannabe5 »

Word, Bro. Word.

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