How to become sociable?

[guitarplayer]

I'll admit I skimmed through the posts above rather than reading in detail though broadly I see good advice there. My extremely simple heuristics that work are these

How do I become more sociable?

I try to be present rather than thinking about something completely different. This puts me in a frame of mind where I am listening to people.

How to have something to talk about or ask good questions?

I don't rely on having anything to talk about, my assumption is that people are not interested in what I would normally be talking about. Usually when I am present whilst quiet, the other person starts talking. I then do follow ups to what they are talking about (@ffj's advice not to expect to gain anything from the conversion is good). Good questions are questions that at least loosely hang together with what the person I talk to is talking about.

How do I be friendly and personable instead of irritable and quiet?

I try to smile. It does not have to be abroad smile it might be just smiling with your eyes.

[7Wannabe5]

I try to smile. It does not have to be abroad smile it might be just smiling with your eyes.

Yes, this is very important. I happened to attend a teacher's training session yesterday which was led by an expert on public speaking and body language. He emphasized that 80% of what you communicate to others is through appearance and body language and offered some demonstrations. So, even if you are attempting to be an open, present, empathetic good listener, if you dress aggressively, scowl when in repose, cross your arms over your chest defensively, and arrange your legs in a stance that takes up a good deal of physical space, you will communicate the opposite. Just choosing to sit next to somebody rather than across from them will convey a more collaborative rather than antagonistic presence. (However, this is also a trick some men utilize when dating, so apply with caution. )

I try to be present rather than thinking about something completely different. This puts me in a frame of mind where I am listening to people.

Yes, this is also an (or maybe even the) essential skill for practicing polyamory. Evoking presence in relationship has the effect of increasing salience, the feeling that a particular person has special qualities that most humans experience when they are falling in love, "the way he wears his hat", etc. It's also an important aspect of "relaxing in the feminine energy" in sexual context. If you don't have a fluid ability to evoke presence, polyamory is more akin to promiscuity. Many women who have difficulty with getting in the mood for sex with even a single attractive committed partner suffer from constant ToDo list running in their brain and less of an ability to compartmentalize as the median man. So, Getting Things Done can help with Getting It On.

I would also note that because women are more likely to be trained towards "good listener" than "bold speaker", and this may be compounded through a culture of civility or professional training, it is not entirely uncommon to find yourself in a social setting, especially in a field such as education, where almost everyone is attempting to vibe "good listener." And this is where a social talent for being a "brat" may come into play, because evoking "brat' gives the other humans who are attempting to be "good" and "not care what is to be gained from interaction" permission to have fun and get a little "gimme-gimme." For example, I would/have advised female friend who can't drop ToDo list in order to be sexual and has in fact made sex just another drudgery task she feels guity for not completing, to have more fun with it, be more of a "brat" and think more about what she might want from a sexual encounter. Another "bratty" social behavior would be not giving a fuck about interrupting a powerful (at least in his own mind) extroverted man when he is speaking. I actually believe that when one woman exhibits that sort of behavior, some of the other women in the room might be more likely to have sex with their partners that evening, because their own testosterone levels will be perked up a bit. However, this is very context/audience dependent, so MMV.

[mathiverse]

I also want to not have the 'awkward' silence moments with people.

Sometimes a silence is just a silence and the "awkwardness" is imagined by a party that is uncomfortable with them (often me!). Many conversations have moments of silence. Some of my best and favorite conversations have had long, long silences where people were thinking or reflecting or in their emotions or whatever, but then the conversation continued with renewed vigor afterward. I'm thinking of one where the silence was emotionally heavy and I had many thoughts of "How do I fix this? Wait, no, let it be." and ultimately letting it be led to really intense and interesting conversation with my friends at the time.

So as far as silences go, I wouldn't go assume every silence is awkward from the perspective of your conversational partners. To some extent that idea comes from watching movies and tv where every silence is awkward because scripts are written to have seamless conversation unless something is going wrong. I've noticed that in real life silences in conversations are natural and don't necessarily indicate a problem.

[mathiverse]

I'm physically at the events, but not talking or being social. More on the introverted side of life. One reason is I take so long to think of a question or response.

Another tactic as someone with the same problem is to find the right people or groups that will give you time to think about your answer and that will leave space in the conversation for you. There are some people who will ask you a question and then wait for your answer even if you need to think about it and there are some people who will assume an immediate response means they can keep talking. (Yeah, people can switch between categories for various reasons.)

Finding the groups and people who will let you think, value the fact you'll think for a while before giving an answer, and find it worth the wait feels really good and the conversations tend to be more fulfilling.

In fact, if you're the type who needs time to consider what they want to say in many conversations, then getting used to silences in conversations is even more important because you need to be okay taking the time you need without beating yourself up about it.

[7Wannabe5]

It's been my experience that awkward silences occur more often between shy, inexperienced, or self-conscious extroverts than when in the company of a comfortable, confident, experienced introvert. For example, even as an extrovert, I found first dates, public speaking, and cocktail party type events a bit nervewracking when I was young. I particularly remember one painfully awkward dinner with a guy who kept talking about basketball, a subject about which I know less than nothing. That said, as somebody who thinks as she talks or talks as she thinks, I would suggest that there are at least 3 or 4 quite different behavior I encounter when conversing with those who are more verbally introverted.

1) Pauses to think before replying in full sentences offered at around normal speed. Quite often a late talker who exhibited this tendency from toddlerhood. My INtP son communicates in this fashion, so not a terribly difficult adjustment for me. Kind of like putting the coin in the machine and then waiting for the gumball to drop through a silent pinball-like mechanism. IOW, my expectation that something worthwhile will eventually come out informs my patience.

2) Slow talker. Every..... word..... comes........ out........ very....... slowly. Clint Eastwood might be good example of this. This is the most difficult type for me to have a conversation with, because it's like my brain is straining to go to the moon and back in the space between each word. Extremely likely that I will become distracted and then I will have to perform a quick reconstruct in alignment with information theory. "Make...(me processing bajillion thoughts)...itch", hmmm, "Making a sandwich in the kitch.."? or "Make, my day, you bitch." ? which is more likely?! one one thousand, two one thousand, ... "en." Whew!

3) Non-talker or talker who makes use of very limited vocabulary relative to his IQ. Think of male engineering student who grew up on a farm in Canada and uses the monosyllable "Eh" to express everything from "Good morning. How are you?" to "I've got 4 hours of Dif Eq and Mechanics to plow through, but let's go get a beer anyways." to "Yeah, the blonde is hawt, but the brunette is hawter." I'm oddly okay with this type, because I can just revert to a relationship constructed almost entirely of Acts of Service and Physical Touch. Like I'm a member of a species in which the male and the female are highly differentiated and communicate with bowls of soup, stacks of wood, and muscular tumbling. Although, if there are not any verbal types in my vicinity, I might eventually be found talking at length to my imaginary friend in the form of a pumpkin in the garden.

4) Emo or sullen introvert. This type used to be my downfall, because I am highly impressionable and very good at imagining that I might be his muse if/when I just focus on the sounds coming out of his musical instrument or the words he put down on paper, when it's much more likely based on few words literally communicated, such as "My day job sucks." and/or "This motel room sucks." and/or "Whatever. You handle it." that I am his free therapist and/or business manager.

[Frita]

And I would also add that it’s totally okay to communicate your conversation style with “I need to think about that,” “I need to pause in silence to formulate my response,” or a simple raised index finger tapped to the mouth. Of course, the outcome depends on the skill of the other person and the effort may not be worth it for a one-off conversation.

[Revan]

I wanted to thank everyone for replying. I've read everyone's advice, and found it well; I need to apply it.