The eldercare thread

[ducknald_don]

J_ You will die despite doing all the right things.

[sodatrain]

I'm wondering whether we, the non-old, too often let the elderly get away with age-based excuses that really has more to do with their lack of effort or interest. For example, if I had a dollar for every time I've heard a given senior talk about "how that computer stuff just come naturally to young people", it could have paid for at least one IT-course at the senior center. Ditto "not being able to do this or that activity because they're old" and not because they haven't picked up a dumbbell for the past 30 years. Some old people learn just fine---but some simply don't care to learn and at some point they realize they can just ask others to pick up after them.
...

People have a right to self-determination, but insofar they self-determine to avoid taking responsibility for keeping up with the times, they don't have a right to have others to pick up the slack just because they're a certain age.

I absolutely see this in one of my late 70's parents. Ask about doing/trying something new and simple, and there is just no will to try. They ask for help immediate - and I'm inclined to push back a little bit - "at least try". Smart people. Just no interest/will from the one to try new things. They will gladly just skip it and not try and push it onto someone in most cases. Other parent is willing to engage/try/challenge. Sent the parent who has no will do try something new a very easy no kneed bread recipe to make. That was apparently familiar enough so they baked it. and enjoyed. it.

I'm starting to see the need to find the right balance between self-determination, encouragement/support of "use it or lose it" and autonomy (that apparently ends in support from me and sibling at some point some how)

[delay]

I absolutely see this in one of my late 70's parents. Ask about doing/trying something new and simple, and there is just no will to try.

When you grow old you have less energy every year. You can spend your energy on maintaining things in your life or on learning new things. It's easy to see how the payoff from maintenance is larger.

This can be frustrating from a younger person's point of view, as the older person cannot afford adjustments that seem like little effort to you.

[Laura Ingalls]

The situation with my mom is pretty dynamic. While we were away in June, July, and August she had near constant UTI. She sat around a bunch and here memory issues escalated. The UTIs abated but her memory issue escalated. She has stopped driving and is moving to assisted living soon. Her short term memory loop has gotten very short and keeping track of a calendar is basically too much.

Her concept of money is getting to be a bit more of a vague. While she isn’t usually mean or she combative she is way more of a PITA. Younger son or I cook and then we serve ourselves. She struggles with assembling a taco or putting the rice on the bottom of a stir fry or curry.

I have been basically caregiving constantly though I take all day Friday off.

[chenda]

If not done already I would suggest she gives you power or attorney for both health and finance asap. Getting POA after a person has loss capacity is difficult and time-consuming and without POA managing your mothers affairs becomes very difficult.

[Frita]

I have been basically caregiving constantly though I take all day Friday off.

This sounds like a challenging transition into assisted living for your mom. How are are you doing with that schedule?

[Sclass]

Just wanted to toss in all POAs are not created equal depending on where you are. In CA we have DPOA, the durable power of attorney which might as well be called Dementia Power of Attorney. I learned the hard way that a simple POA doesn’t hold when a person becomes incapacitated here. By the time questions started coming up about my mom’s state she was far beyond signing anything.

A number of times early in my mom’s diagnosis this was brought up to me. I had POA over my mom’s financial accounts but questions started coming up when she got really sick. Her brokers started asking if she was incapacitated. We got into a tight situation with rescheduling our withdrawals as her expenses ramped up.

When I needed to sign mom up for hospice it came up again. I technically couldn’t authorize hospice. There was a point the hospice care doctor and agency just threw up their hands and said don’t worry about it. They wanted the Medicaire payments that badly.

ETA- oh yeah you need to get the advanced medical directives in place too. Second form after the DPOA. I did not. My dad convinced my mom not to sign that for me. They were both scared of that one because it put lifesaving care decisions in my hands. You need to have the right to deny care at a certain point. As horrible as it sounds for me to say this, I wanted to pull the plug on my mom about a year before she passed during a hospitalization but I couldn’t. Things stretched on a year and as these things go longer they get exponentially more difficult.

[Laura Ingalls]

My brother has the power of attorney and has been using. He occasionally needs some more accountability than he has.

My mom is also listed as her sister’s POA and me as contingency. She is struggling more physically than congnitively. She lives alone with not any real family around. She is about 50 miles from my ILs and I am probably the closest person to her of a younger generation.

I don’t enjoy being at my mom’s much. I enjoy being separated from my spouse even less (he just finished a house sit solo).

Another situation that relates to this is that she has this radically under performing stock/bond portfolio.

11 years ago when my dad died and we transitioned to semi retirement our portfolios were almost the exact same size. She has had 80k of outflow as rmd’s and ~250k of inheritance in. We have spent 250k out of the brokerage on our life (shortfall from paltry earned income. Currently, our brokerage is seven figures higher. Her performance is like 2% a year for the last year 10 years. Makes me crazy. Mostly that the Edward Jones’s business model isn’t felonious.

[Sclass]

I don’t enjoy being at my mom’s much. I enjoy being separated from my spouse even less (he just finished a house sit solo).

Yes this is really tough. My parents almost shipwrecked my marriage. Know your limits. One day it’s going to be just you and your spouse. You’ll get there but it requires balance in the present.

[Frita]

Separation from your spouse, sorting through the finances, and coping with an unpleasant situation sound hard. A lot to process. I wish you strength.

Death and illness seem to prompt all sorts of control power and control behaviors. When my FIL died (after prolonged Hail Mary treatments that actually decreased his quality of life), his second wife had a stack of bills she hadn’t bothered to pay. Even after that was resolved, there have been more issues (refusal to care for property and self). Most recently she fell and took several days crawling to reach her cell and call for an ambulance. The mindset, hers and the extended family’s, is still active denial punctuated by episodic reactivity. I don’t recommend that.