Starting from scratch vs the allure of competence
I'm starting to decipher my fears around starting some next big 'chapter' of creativity in my life: I am starting from zero and I'm going to suck.
Butting up against this is that egoic feeling of "achchchchtually I'm probably already half decent at ABC" and "I should be able to hit the ground running" <-- stories I'm making up about myself, devoid of any foundation in reality.
So in the face of this big desire to become great at something different, bigger, something that I really care about, I'm feeling anxiety, worry, doubt, all the normal stuff. Frankly, what else would I expect, though, given I'm actually starting from zero.
Instead I'm here in France listening to business podcasts thinking hmmmm maybe I should triple down on my business and try to make a million a year, that'll mean I'm successful! That'll mean I'm good at what I do! No one can say I suck when I'm actually doing way better at XYZ (entrepreneurship) than most.
But in reality, keeping on with something I'm already good at *that I do not care about at all* would be a weakass move. Even if I could live my life with tons of pats on the back, accolades, and envy from others, I know on my deathbed that I wimped out and didn't take the next big risk.
So I have to actually start over. No podcast about business or some other project that makes sense but is actually just procrastinating from the real work I need to do (for myself).
The truth is, I want to be a writer.
But I'm not writing. Not really at all. And I have no way to know if I'll be good at it other than to do it, the rest is just fantasy thinking and daydreaming.
I'm starting from nothing, so why should I expect to write for hours on end every day starting January 1, 2025? <-- in my head, for the last 9 months, I've convinced myself that this is the plan (with some moments of throwing all plans out the window b/c overwhelm).
So instead today I just wrote for ten minutes. I didn't need to think about what to write or how to write it, I just wrote.
I think I'm the kind of person who feels uneasy with work left undone, things on the to-do list. I forget to eat when finishing the final hour(s) of a sewing project. I just want it done. Tomorrow doesn't come until I completed today, and it won't, sleep be damned.
This is the way for me to break this paralysis of big ideas, egoic plans, hope and dreams (and nothing to show for it). Doing it.
I'm proud of that ten minutes, to be honest. I feel better too. I'm "doing it".
Aristotle had a bunch of great ideas about identity and asks the question, when does a guitarist become a guitarist? Is a guitarist who sits down for the first time a guitarist? Surely playing guitar is what makes a guitarist a guitarist, no? But those first ten minutes don't make you a guitarist. When do you become one? Is it ability, skill, a certain progression milestone? When you get paid or when everyone calls you a guitarist?
It's hard to say when one goes from "doing" to "being".
For now, I'll do.
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Wrote the above out a week ago and have kept this up, feeling better and better because of it. I like fiction writing! Hey how about that. I've know that, actually, because I test-drove this dream years ago (wrote a novella in 90 days). But it feels good to be getting started again.
One thing that's harder about writing vs entrepreneurship or social skill development or whatever is that writing at this point doesn't have any straightforward feedback loop. I think I can figure that out, but it's harder than making money or getting a date with a cute person, less external measurement. That's okay for now I suppose.
Reflecting on the story I'm working on -- it feels odd to write it because it starts out very grim; it's making me uncomfortable to inhabit these voices and describe these scenes. I guess that's a good thing. It certainly feels creative and challenging.
Overall ten of ten will write again.
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I'm home from France. It was .. good? lol. It was one of my first B-ish trips I've had in a long long time. Having a screaming chimp to tame when I want to be quietly consuming art and having long dinners just doesn't mesh, so expectations have been updated. I felt disappointment, frankly, while there and hey, it's just this chapter of life, so it's okay. Some doors close when others open. I'm so in love with being a dad, that's for sure. But maybe being in France wasn't really all that better than being home, strangely. And I'm glad to be home, back to routines, friends, family.
Lowlights: all the smoking, yuck
Highlights: Mediterranean salt taste in bright blue water, my kid's first oyster (squeal, then "TART TART"), pesto fried mussels, some cool pieces from Matisse and Miro, running drenched in rain up streets in Cassis, my kid covered in chocolate gelato, flowers, the unspoken and jumbled connection with other parents, that little girl with big brown eyes who hugged my leg at the playground (maybe 1.5 years old) , and the cheese (and then not the cheese).
We leave for Japan in ~30 days and oof, I'm actually not that excited about it. Odd as I've always wanted to go to Japan and have my eyes set on some really cool stuff (teamLab Tokyo specifically:
https://www.teamlab.art/e/tokyo/) but hey, plans change. It'll be fun and funny to go to a bunch of playgrounds and watch my little guy yell "SCHOOL BUS" and "MENT TRUCK" (cement truck) to people in a different country again. Many bowls of ramen and much seafood will be had. It'll be good.
Logistics might be easier in some ways because things are so automated there, so hopefully when the guaranteed toddler hysteria hits we can GTFO easily. Lots of good outdoor activities in Kyoto and hopefully the onsen in Hakone will work out with my kid. It'll be good.
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Before we left we purged the house hard and coming back, having lived with far less, we're purging even more. This feels very very good to me. I like having fewer, rather than more, items. My wife struggles here so we're working on it together; she's also felt the blessing of less and hoping we can keep up this morning practice of going room by room, drawer by drawer, and reducing.
Coming home, I'm also reminded that my home life is just awesome. I have so much great stuff, odd to say because I'm trying to move away from attachment to purchased goods, but damn, my house is really great. My computer is fast, I have a comfortable guitar now, our chairs feel great, I sleep well in my bed, I have a g-dang sauna in my back yard. We've built a really lovely home life. Maybe I'm just enjoying the change from being so on-the-move from travel. Good to build in variety but at least for now, I'm not itching for more plans.
Then again, I really want to get into surfing this winter and Baja MX sounds pretty enticing. Once the sun is setting at 4pm, I think I'll be ready to leave again -- good to know that and plan accordingly, even if the desire isn't felt today.
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Money stuff has been interesting. I feel the urge to let it take up more mental space. Instead I've decided to push it away further. This means letting go of trying to eek out +0.5% extra investment income and instead just more $VTI and chill. This means not letting myself get caught up too much on expense tracking (evaluating every item on the amazon purchase my wife made, for example) even though I will follow through and complete the full year of tracking (so far so good).
I think this goes back to the idea that competence feels good.
But I think there's a lot to the idea of growing past something I'm good at if it doesn't make me happier.
Letting go of the games I've already won.
To starting over and new challenges.
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Pic dump:
instead of ebaying it all.
. I'm on book three but have slowed down my pace. Beware! Ye been warned. You may get sucked in.