Just Gravy

[AxelHeyst]

And there’s this feeling of, oh shit, I just started a ball rolling.

mmph, that's the good stuff.

[Biscuits and Gravy]

I’m freaking out, man.

[2Birds1Stone]

Congrats on taking this important step, it takes cajones.

[mooretrees]

I’m freaking out, man.

Been there!!! Still figuring out how to keep us financially solvent, but holy cow is that minor stress worth it for the free time. Welcome to the slow lane of semi-ERE!

[suomalainen]

We got this, babe.

[delay]

Today I asked my boss if I could work part-time.

Welcome to the part-time club! Part time life is FIRE on a shorter timeline. Instead of working for 20 years to retire permanently, I work for 4 days to retire for 3 days

[Biscuits and Gravy]

Congrats on taking this important step, it takes cajones.

Thanks! It does take cajones, but it also takes luck, privilege, hard work, good timing, money in the bank, and a supportive partner. I would not have made this jump without Suo next to me, because on my own it would be borderline fiscally irresponsible, and I can’t risk that with my dependents.

I’m talking to HR today about the logistics, and hopefully I’ll only be working 20 hours a week come June. My boss said it is not his preference, but he is a good man and boss, we have a great rapport, and due to some other factors I think we both know he comes out ahead in this deal.

I know this isn’t a panacea or even a semi-retirement. I can’t even term it “semi-ERE” because all of my obligations enforce a dearth of “freedom to.” It’s a rebalancing. The demands on my time and energy are too great and everyone is suffering because of it, and at this point my need for time is greater than my need for money. My first priority will be my health/fitness, because a year of kids+work+commute has taken its toll, and hard work there pays immediate and long-term dividends.

I feel so very fortunate to be in the position to analyze my life, determine what isn’t working for me and my family, and then take steps to change my life. It is a privilege, and it must be a very low percentage of people on this earth who can claim such a privilege.

[Biscuits and Gravy]

Been there!!! Still figuring out how to keep us financially solvent, but holy cow is that minor stress worth it for the free time. Welcome to the slow lane of semi-ERE!

Lord have mercy girl I’d be bald from anxiety if I were worrying about keeping the family financially solvent. I mean, I guess I was there during the divorce, but even that was with a cushion of retirement funds available for emergencies. Your risk tolerance is admirable and an inspiration! But really, your journey was a push for me to go this route, so thank you for sharing your family’s story. Also, thanks for all of your support over the years! And sending Suo my email. Come to think of it, you’re basically the reason I’m in this amazing position! Thank you thank you thank you

Welcome to the part-time club! Part time life is FIRE on a shorter timeline. Instead of working for 20 years to retire permanently, I work for 4 days to retire for 3 days

Thanks! I love the framing of this! Hopefully I can get to the point where I see my every week four day weekends as a “retirement” of sorts.

[Biscuits and Gravy]

"Here I imagine you'll be expecting me to tell you the stories of examples set by heroic men?"
- Seneca, Letter LXXVII

My estranged father was unexpectedly hospitalized, and that has consumed the last five days of my life, and will consume the next few weeks. Lots of driving, lots of convenience food, lots of waiting. I am thankful my sisters are as capable and reliable as I am and that we can handle this as a team. I am thankful my father has TRICARE and that he even bothered to reach out to my sisters and me. I am thankful my husband is such an exceptional man and partner.

Before my dad was wheeled away for his third surgery, one of his primary concerns was that I, his flesh and blood, might see him cry. Upon his return six hours later, he was raw and vulnerable in a way that only general anesthesia could render an ex-farmer-turned-military. The man who raised me on sayings such as "life sucks and then you die," "if it bleeds, we can kill it," and "life is unfair," there, in bed, reduced. I love him, but he has a logjam of emotions dating back to the 1960s, and we can't have a relationship until he gets help, and he won't.

I'm at peace with him not changing. I'm at peace with us not having a relationship. I'm at peace with showing up for him. What I need to lay to bed are my unmet needs.

Anyway, let me say this again, for me and y'all: Unprocessed emotions metastasize into all sorts of problems.

[chenda]

Sorry to hear that biscuits, I hope it goes well for you all.

[Biscuits and Gravy]

Thanks, chenda. The last week has been something. Our servicemen see and hear and do things that us civilians are spared, and I respect and am grateful for that, but I am at a loss for my dad's complete lack of self-preservation. He hasn't seen a doctor in over 20 years, and when I told him point blank that his physical ailments are a result of his mental and emotional wounds he merely said "maybe so." Dealing with the military side of healthcare and witnessing my dad's self-inflicted suffering has been an education. Going back on base and interacting with active duty servicemen has been a reminder. They're all so young. They go into service, and if they are lucky enough to be discharged, they return to their family a broken man. The military hospital discharged my dad in much the same way his branch did: as a broken man. I am still processing. As always, it is a gd process.

[white belt]

Our servicemen see and hear and do things that us civilians are spared, and I respect and am grateful for that, but I am at a loss for my dad's complete lack of self-preservation. He hasn't seen a doctor in over 20 years, and when I told him point blank that his physical ailments are a result of his mental and emotional wounds he merely said "maybe so." Dealing with the military side of healthcare and witnessing my dad's self-inflicted suffering has been an education. Going back on base and interacting with active duty servicemen has been a reminder. They're all so young. They go into service, and if they are lucky enough to be discharged, they return to their family a broken man. The military hospital discharged my dad in much the same way his branch did: as a broken man.

I'm sorry to hear about your father.

If it makes you feel any better, I have heard plenty of positive accounts of the VA health system. For example, my landlord is a Vietnam vet and raves about how VA healthcare has saved his life on multiple occasions in his retirement. Similarly, my uncle is a Vietnam vet who has received very good care over the past decade in the VA system, although he did go through decades of poor care and PTSD immediately following his return in the 1970s. I believe the entire military and VA healthcare systems have improved significantly in the past 10 years. There is a much greater understanding of both physical health issues as well as mental health issues now. I even notice a big cultural difference between when I started in the military in the early 2010s and now.

I'm not a huge fan of the "broken Veteran" trope because I think it's counterproductive in most cases. Here's an article that talks about that: https://havokjournal.com/culture/reject ... n-veteran/

I can't speak to your father's experience, but I do feel like I can speak about the experience of the service members you see on base. The reality is that in today's military, the vast majority of service members will never even deploy to a combat zone. Of that number, those that will actually see combat or any sort of increased danger is even smaller. Most military jobs these days are desk jobs. Even for those in the "combat arms" jobs like infantry, armor, etc who are in many cases seeking out combat experience, that experience is very hard to come by since 2016 or so. The military left Afghanistan and has a very small footprint in Iraq, so the deployments of the first 10 or so years of the Global War on Terror are a thing of the past (special ops being the exception). The vast majority of veterans enlist for a contract (usually between 3-6 years depending on specialty) and then return to civilian life. Although there is a small minority who experiences mental/physical trauma, it's far more common to experience typical desk jockey ailments like carpal tunnel and lower back pain from extended sitting.

I grew up [started my career] in parachute infantry units. There were a lot of hard times; in many ways the infantry is just about who can deal with discomfort the longest. If you can stay focused on the mission despite the grueling conditions, you will increase your chances of success, which also increases the chances of success for those to your left and right. A saying that has stuck with me my whole career is: "That's a future-me problem." I first heard that from another officer during an exercise when things were collapsing around us and he remained calm; he was able to compartmentalize and stay focused on what needed to get done right now. That's the kind of laser focus you need in an emergency situation when the world is chaos around you but you require inner calm to accomplish what needs to get done. That mindset made me very successful in those situations and in that world.

However, over time I've come to realize that isn't a very healthy perspective to have in other areas of life. Compartmentalizing in the moment is great to get through something in the short term, but disastrous over the long term if you don't ever dedicate time to process all of the things that you pushed aside during those times. If one doesn't ever process that, then life just becomes about chaining along distractions or doing everything you can to not think about those things. Similarly, relationships struggle when you can't process your emotions because you're so accustomed to pushing anything emotional to the side in order to focus on the present moment. At least that's what I'm working through now along with a lot of other medical issues I ignored during my career because there was more important stuff going on.

[Biscuits and Gravy]

I'm not a huge fan of the "broken Veteran" trope because I think it's counterproductive in most cases.

Ah, you’re right, white belt, I shouldn’t generalize like that. I think I just want to blame anything or anyone other than my dad for what he’s going through and thus what I’m going through. He served for 20 years and left the force just before the turn of the century, and my exposure to that world more or less ended when he retired from it, so I am not at all familiar with what it looks like now. I do recall him making a lot of derogatory comments about the “kinder, gentler” military toward the end of his career, which must mean he also witnessed a significant cultural shift.

I sent him the VA appointment line earlier today and told him to make an appointment, but who knows if he will. TRICARE set him up with a home health nurse for 9 weeks and that has been an immense relief; it means I can get back to my own life.

Totally agree about the double-edged sword of compartmentalizing. It’s great that you know you need to work through those feelings you briefly pushed aside to get the job done. You’re not just a tool, you’re a human, and in order to be available as an effective tool in times of need, you must eventually process those pushed-aside feelings.

It’s good to hear positive things about the military and the VA. Maybe my dad is a dying (literally!) breed.

[mooretrees]

Ah, sounds rough to watch your Dad going through this. I’ve been an overplayed record with my in-laws about getting ready for old age. Very little has resulted from my harping, so now I’m resigned to watching a similar (possibly?) decline you are witnessing. What a great reality to have siblings that are actually helpful, I’m so glad for that.

I can’t wait to hear about the good stuff that comes from your new time freedom!

[Biscuits and Gravy]

I wonder when shit will die down. We finally received some decent applications, so I will almost definitely be going part-time at work starting June 1. DH gently reminds me that I can go part-time regardless of a replacement/supplemental hire, but my brain can’t compute such forwardness.

Feels Dump
I feel ashamed that I’m not doing more for my dad, who in supreme
-asshole style gave himself a lifestyle disease and refuses to own his actions or take care of himself. I feel embarrassed that I need to step back from work. I feel disappointed in myself that I can’t handle all of this. I feel dismayed by my bestie apparently harboring romantic feelings for me, and I feel embarrassed by my own naïveté. I feel frustrated by my ex’s nature, relieved that my kids are growing up, and grateful for my husband. I now feel dread about going on an already-booked chick trip with my bestie later this month, and suspicious of our connection. I thought she loved me for me-me, not hot-me. Wtf, man. I feel put-upon by a lot of people in my life, but I’m also sensitive to the interdependence of life and aware of my own proclivity for filial piety, nurturing, and guilt prompted by self-perceived and other-perceived “selfishness.” Fuck I need to go back to therapy.

Reading
The Worst Hard Time by Timothy Egan
The Sheltering Sky by Paul Bowles
A Frozen Hell by William Trotter

I haven’t been reading much. Instead, I watched HBO’s Band of Brothers and The Pacific. I dunno, I’m on a war kick.

Gardening/Foraging
The kids now know how to forage loquat and creeping cucumber and what nightshade looks like (it grows in our backyard). Right now we’re growing tomatoes and peppers (extras that my coworker gave me) and there’s a scraggly blueberry bush that’s trying to hang on. All of my broccoli bolted, but I think it looks cool and the bees like it so I left it all. The kids’ eyes light up when they come across a seed and they always plant it somewhere, so I’d like to think I’m doing some good here. I did build up my raised bed a bit more, but I doubt anything will survive this coming summer.

ETA. The silver lining of seeing my dad go through his health struggles is that it sweetly chef-kiss compliments my commitment to go part-time and take better care of myself. This is it, this is all we got, and it goes quick. I’d rather be sitting on my husband’s lap than on my uncomfortable office chair at work.

[Lemur]

I also get into a war kick like once a year...just got out of one recently. If you need more war ideas, "The Vietnam War" documentary by Ken Burns and Lynn Novic is 10 episodes / 18 hours total. I ended up reading some of Ho Chi Minh's collected writings by Bernard Fall afterwards. The Vietnam War is incredibly fascinating...also an extremely brutal time period. You think Vietnam's struggles end after fending off the French and then the US War but then they get straight into Laos/Cambodia afterwards.

[Biscuits and Gravy]

Oh sweet, thanks Lemur. I’ll check it out. Matterhorn (mentioned above) is the only book/media I’ve consumed about the Vietnam War, and it was incredible. On my list now are Helmet for My Pillow and With the Old Breed. Have you read those?

[Ego]

Fuck I need to go back to therapy.

Reading
The Worst Hard Time by Timothy Egan
The Sheltering Sky by Paul Bowles
A Frozen Hell by William Trotter

I haven’t been reading much. Instead, I watched HBO’s Band of Brothers and The Pacific. I dunno, I’m on a war kick.

For fuck's sake, that reading list makes me want to put my head in the oven.

[Henry]

I'm assuming she finished Jude The Obscure.

[Lemur]

Nope, haven’t read those. I once read a book on the Russian Revolution in 1917/1918 (I couldn’t finish it) and some U.S Civil War collections but beyond that I can’t seem to get into the literature and prefer documentaries.