bostonimproper's journal

[basuragomi]

Exposing kids to as many foods as possible while young seems important for avoiding allergies later in life. Shellfish, dairy and honey are going to appear quite often in a Western context, so maybe at least those?

[Biscuits and Gravy]

Is your husband’s only reason for the vegetarian diet that he wants to give your child the freedom to choose their diet later on? Is he as uncomfortable choosing where they live for them and how they dress? Convenience and household harmony necessitates making choices for our minor children that they may disagree with later, and that’s okay. Small babies are hard enough without all of these other things piled on top.

Second @basuragomi’s suggestion of introducing many kinds of food. My Jewish friend gave me Bamba when my kids were old enough for solids. It’s an Israeli peanut puff snack and it was perfect for introducing peanuts to them. My niece has a fatal allergy to peanuts, so I introduced my kids to peanuts in a hospital parking lot lol.

IIRC introducing honey needs to be postponed until the kid is at least a year old.

[theanimal]

my husband suggested to me that we should consider making our baby a vegetarian until they are old enough to choose a diet on their own

Also I feel really weird about the idea of imposing a limitation of my child’s food that I would not enforce for myself.

I'm with you on that. It seems a strange imposition. You want the child to make their own choices, but while waiting to do so you are going to make a significant choice for them? There isn't any reason they could come to that conclusion on their own later on after having eaten meat, fish or whatever.

+1 to @basurgomi and B&G. As much variety and exposure to new foods is good to develop the microbiome and build up immunity to allergens. One of the first foods we gave my daughter was peanut butter at about 4 mo. Thankfully she LOVES it and has had no reactions. We kept a running list for a while of all the different foods she's eaten to make sure she was getting plenty of variety. Up over 70 now! So far we've been lucky in that the only thing she hasn't liked is spinach, with the only things off limits being straight cow's milk and honey

[7Wannabe5]

My ex and I both have severe allergy to peanuts, so we didn’t expose our kids until they were old enough to verbally report symptoms. Neither of them have the allergy, but one nephew on either side does. The immune system is second in complexity to the brain. Early exposure does not necessarily “work.”

[bostonimproper]

Is your husband’s only reason for the vegetarian diet that he wants to give your child the freedom to choose their diet later on?

It seems a strange imposition. You want the child to make their own choices, but while waiting to do so you are going to make a significant choice for them? There isn't any reason they could come to that conclusion on their own later on after having eaten meat, fish or whatever.

My husband’s reasoning is that the two of us are only meat eaters because we have “a taste for it”; not an addiction, per se, but y’know meat tastes good. We both agree that the most optimal thing would be for us to be vegetarians, as in that would best align with our own purported values. But, again, meat tastes good? (This feels like such a dumb reason, but honestly it’s true.)

And like I get my husband’s reasoning. We eat meat because that was set as our default, so if we’re setting our child’s default why not make it the one that we think is probably “better.” I remember hearing a term for this on a podcast: “carnism.” And I can imagine maybe my child growing up and being horrified that we feed them the flesh of another conscious being. If they perceive that as an unnecessary, immoral act, then I can see it being very unsettling that that was literally what sustained them.

We would definitely let our child choose for themself what to eat if they wanted to eat meat, but I know in reality that getting introduced to meat later in life is very uncomfortable (texture wise, inability to digest easily without acclimating to it slowly). So I can see very our default practically “condemning” them to vegetarianism.

[Scott 2]

We both agree that the most optimal thing would be for us to be vegetarians, as in that would best align with our own purported values.
...
so if we’re setting our child’s default why not make it the one that we think is probably “better.”

Vegetarian of 20+ years here. This isn't a binary choice. The flesh of another animal argument is a very crude proxy for suffering and environmental impact.

Compare pasture raised meat to eggs from battery hens, as an example. I'd feel better about eating the former.

There's a frequency and volume consideration as well. Someone eating vegan, plus a monthly steak, could have less impact than a militant lacto-ovo vegetarian.

A vegan who sucks down premium products - high end meat alternatives, out of season produce, exclusive ingredients - could have more environmental impact than someone on a simple meat and potatoes diet.

I'm hesitant to use the vegetarian label in reference to my own diet. Because I know it's not 100%. Sometimes my cheese has animal rennet. Or my fish free Omega 3 pills have a bovine gelatin. I don't want to get into it. I've had all the arguments. I know, as soon one throws hard labels, hypocrisy is unavoidable.


I wonder if you could meet the spirit of the need without making life harder. Happy meat, organic dairy, pastured eggs, local produce, etc.

[Biscuits and Gravy]

It’s a noble idea, but I guess I’d caution y’all to be mindful of what’s in your control here. Your child’s diet will, sooner than you may expect or like, be out of your control. Daycare birthday parties with cupcakes and pepperoni pizza. Grandmas taking them through McDonald’s because “oh, what’s the harm?” Etc.

[chenda]

I've tried to go fully vegetarian a few times (mainly for environmental reasons) and found I am physiologically dependant on meat. So I just avoid the carbon heavy beef and pork and eat plant based a few times a week. I think if I had been raised vegetarian it would not have been a problem.

[Henry]

I was vegetarian for a day. Actually a meal. Had a bowl of lentils and power booted 30 minutes later. Cleaned myself up, got in the car, went to Wendy's, never looked back. Maybe if I had started as a baby it would have taken.

[bostonimproper]

To close the loop on the above: my husband and I have decided we’re going to give the baby an omnivorous diet until they can determine their own food preferences and beliefs. As a family we will continue to cook mostly vegetarian meals with one home-cooked meat-containing meal a week. In terms of more ethical food sourcing, we generally have pasture-raised, local, “well cared for” animal products (meat, eggs, milk, cheese where possible). Seafood is a mixed bag— I honestly don’t know whether farmed or fished is worse in terms of environmental impact and animal welfare. We’ve tried going mostly local and in season with produce at various points with a CSA, but honestly the selection in New England is fairly limited, and I really don’t have the patience to eat nothing but parsnips, potatoes, and turnips for 6 months of the year (a bit of an exaggeration, but not by much).

[bostonimproper]

Grumble, grumble. Everything is frustrating right now.

[Biscuits and Gravy]

Strength to you. You’re doing great. Someone once told me, “I hope you know that all the balls you’re juggling are made of rubber, and if you drop one it won’t shatter.” Breathe, kindness and forgiveness (most of all to yourself).

[OutOfTheBlue]

The first time I understood my mother was human was when she cried in front of me (I was maybe 7-8 by then). Twas a shock.

Something she would go on to remind me/us a few times over the years when something's got a bit burned in the kitchen while she was juggling various balls. She would almost invariably say: "I'm only human".

To parahrase Bob Dylan:

It's alright, Ma, you're only bleeding.

https://youtu.be/_CJHbfkROow

Loving kindness (starting with yourself), and a chance to lead with your nurturing generative adult as we say in Plotkin lands!

Strength!

[Frita]

I hear you. Life gets overwhelming sometimes, unraveling and reassembling at its own blasted pace. It’s not personal but, darn, it’s hard nonetheless. Wishing you some well-deserved peaceful moments…

[bostonimproper]

Life Updates

Back at work.

On the bright side, my company’s stock is doing well, really well. I’ve never made more money in my life and probably never will again. If my luck keeps up, I might be able to FIRE by 2025, so that’s cool. But there’s a lot of asterisks/caveat emptor there.

On the other hand, working + baby = constant state of exhaustion. Work is not too stressful yet but it’s taking me a minute to get back up to speed and I know once things get rolling that it’ll be a headache again. Already though I can tell my husband feels burnt out after spending all day with baby. They are very much in a fussy, Velcro stage right now and every day the past couple weeks has either been smokey or rainy so they are getting outside much less than normal. So as soon as I’m done working for the day, I’m pretty much immediately in Mom mode. And, of course, sleep still sucks so there’s that. I know this too shall pass but my god some days it feels like it’ll never end!

We have a babysitter (a family friend we trust) that can start in about a month, and she said she could help us once every other week. Which would be awesome, since my husband and I haven’t both been away from baby basically since they were born. I feel like we’re very much coparents right now and I’d like if we could maybe go on a date and also feel like we’re married again.

Macro

I don’t know why, but I feel really compelled to share this video about the Federal Home Loan Bank (an entity I had no idea existed). Basically they act as a lender to banks using home loans as collateral, and despite loaning out a lot more than the Fed has much less oversight and transparency (and very, very different incentives). Also apparently the Fed and the FHLB have “super priority” when a bank goes under, even before the FDIC (i.e. depositors). I don’t know, I found that surprising, interesting, and possibly an avenue for systemic fragility.

For better or worse, I’m getting a lot of my macro news these days from crypto sources. Largely Blockworks, who has a variety of guests, some really good and some meh. I’m coming to appreciate how the financial system, like any longstanding complex system, is crusty, clunky, and weird. Complex in a “we strapped an engine onto a bicycle to try and make it a car” sort of way rather than in a “this was the master plan all along!” sort of way.

(In case y’all were wondering what I did during contact naps…)

[arbrk]

@7w5 @B&G Guys, I feel like this is the point at which you’re supposed to lie to me. “It gets so much better, you’re right around the corner from better sleep!” Where’s my toxic positivity y’know? /s but also

@macg Appreciate the advice. For what it’s worth I’m probably exaggerating a bit on the auto-rejects. I’m getting rejected most frequently at the recruiter screen and first call with hiring manager. Which has just been kind of demoralizing (I made it past the HR software to humans and it turns out they don’t like me?). It’s just felt weird because in previous job searches I would typically make it to on sites for roles that get like a good fit in initial calls, whereas I’ve made it to on sites for zero roles this cycle.

Another random observation I’ve had is that the recruiters I’ve worked with this cycle have been a lot more junior seeming. Ditto hiring managers (newer teams, first time as managers). Not sure what this indicates, if anything, but it’s just been a not-so-great experience all around.

I think the market is flooded. Are you a US citizen/US person? If so, consider government contracting if you're in an area that has any. DC and Maryland have a TON, LA has at very least HRL and JPL and Seattle has Boeing. Way less competition.

[bostonimproper]

Making our home as accessible as possible to a tiny mobile human with no sense of danger

So despite being not even six months old yet, our baby is crawling and pulling to standing. On the one hand it’s nice that they are able to play more independently since they can access things and sit on their own. On the other hand, they are trying to climb everything and have no sense of danger yet.

My husband and I would like to make the house more accessible to them so they have more room to roam freely, but also keep them as safe as possible. Ideally I’d like to make the nursery a “yes space” where they have some toys and books and whatever else in reach, but it’s baby proofed enough that they don’t need adult supervision.

This would mostly be doable if it weren’t for our current sleep situation. In addition to baby’s crib, we have an adult bed in the nursery. This set up allows husband and I to switch off who is on duty to deal with the many middle of the night wake-ups baby still has, while off duty parent rests in our bedroom. FWIW, husband is 1000% against cosleeping.

In order to make the nursery a yes space, we need to get rid of the adult bed. So then the question is: where does on duty parent sleep? The options as I see them are:
1. On the floor- Doable for me at least, not sure for my husband. Definitely not the most comfortable option.
2. In our bedroom- This would probably mean constantly waking up of duty parent, so we’d both be zombies.
3. On an air mattress or shikibuton that gets tucked away daily- kind of a hassle but probably our best option? Would also give us another bed if we ever have guests.

Any other creative solutions I’m missing? I know we can also wait until baby is sleeping better through the night before making the switch but at the same time who knows when that’ll be. I feel like every other room is going to be as or more difficult to make baby safe, and none other than nursery can come even close to not requiring adult supervision as an end state.

[7Wannabe5]

IMO, it would be very difficult to make any large space safe enough for a child of that age to roam without adult supervision. The old school solution would be to simply obtain and make use of a very large playpen, which basically constitutes a space as safe as a crib, but with more room for play. A sturdy walker with a very large tray surrounding it on 3 sides might also prove helpful and most babies like them better than playpens.

It has also been my experience that different creepers, crawlers, toddlers will discover different form of trouble. Some may amaze you with their ability to scale high barriers, and always find the one possibly poisonous mushroom in the expanse of soft grass to pop in mouth, and the opportunity to rip off all clothing and run out the back door laughing and screaming, but will never attempt to stick your keys in a power outlet. Others will do different/opposite. Eventually, you may get a feel for the sort of trouble your particular toddler is less likely to get into, but until then I would err on the side of high level of assumption of Unknown Unknown possibilities.

[mooretrees]

Mattresses can be safe if they are on the floor. The few tactics I’ve seen people take over the years fall into two camps.
Camp one - move everything above their reach until they are able to listen to you say no.

Camp two - teach them that shit is dangerous but telling them sternly NO and also, sometimes letting them get a little hurt to learn. The latter part is gonna happen if they live past one, so it’s almost a no brainer. But it’s very hard as a parent to see the danger and not react. It’s a judgement call when to let them get a little hurt so they can learn that no, rolling off the couch is not a good idea. It helps that they really will get hurt no matter how much effort you put into making a safe zone for them.

As far as sleeping and working, well it’s pretty rough. If I had a second kid I wouldn’t have had them in bed beyond six months. I loved co-sleeping, but it was draining. DH tried to take over night duties as much as he could, but he could only help so much. The one phrase that helped me out, and continues to help, is ‘this too shall pass.’ They change so fast, that problems will keep coming at you. And so will the sweet successes! Good luck.

[Biscuits and Gravy]

I second putting the mattress on the floor. You preserve your current sleeping arrangement, and the mattress is a safe, fun, challenging obstacle for the baby. My kids and I slept on a mattress on the floor for over a year, much to the horror of my mother.

I support your husband 1000% in being 1000% against cosleeping. It was the biggest mistake I made, other than having the kids.

Ah, I don’t envy you these next few years. At least the baby can’t say “mommy” yet. I sneak off from my 4 and 5 year olds, pleasantly playing, thinking, “ah, finally, I can switch the laun—” “MOOOOOM.” They interrupted me 6 times already typing this. One time, I got so irritated with the constant “mommy”ing that I taped a giant piece of paper on the wall while they sat, perplexed, eating breakfast, and I damn near shouted “every time you say ‘mommy’ I’m going to put a tally up here so you can see how often you call for me.” They thought this was funny and said “mommy” 4x as much that day.

It’s just… y’know. A lot. Good luck, man. Good luck. And make that 3 more times being interrupted.