mush journal: what will happen next?

Where are you and where are you going?
mush
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Question on meditation

Post by mush »

Oh! By the way, you must now return the favor.

I've been trying to finish the introductory course on Sam Harris's app Waking Up for two years now. I also went once to a meditation class IRL. I'm truly convinced of the benefits of meditation and the outlook it brings in life (which is more than an outlook). I had some deep (to me) glimpses of mindfulness when meditating and it was pure bliss. I still feel like I can reconnect to these experiences rather rapidly, but I never do, because I never meditate.

I am so bad at delaying instant gratification, so I don't meditate. Just like when I say I'll get up at 8 and I just can't. I feel like it's both the reason I want and the reason I can't meditate consistently. But I feel like I should have more control over the flow of thought, even right now.

So what's pushing you to meditate? Do you find constant enjoyment in your practice? Do you feel like you must push yourself sometimes? Why do you do it and how? Please write at least two thousand words (or, you know, point to an entry in your journal :D ).

mush
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mush journal: Mid-long term goals update!

Post by mush »

So, this is what I've been writing for five hours today, not counting the above answers (ugghh), please don't drown and read it on Sunday if it's too much!

Checklist to a free and non destructive life
======

Objectives:

1. Free: live free of fears from society (currently under a capitalist system):
— Be financially independent until not needed by my lifestyle.
— Don’t have to do things if they are not motivated by my life goals— see “going to work because I have to”. Sometimes, I don’t want to do stuff even if motivated by life goals: I can allow some degree of this for the sake of hedonism, but I must work a tiny bit towards improving self-discipline.
— Of course, society has “obligations” such as taking care for my elders. Only I either see that as stuff to free myself from (eg. “the army”), or as life goals (eg. “taking care of my parents when they’re old”).

2. Non destructive: have a sustainable lifestyle. This means it must sit below the current Earth biocapacity—1.6 gha with 2018 data. My lifestyle, as calculated in January 2023 is at:
— 3.5 gha of ecological footprint
— 6.2 tons of CO2 emissions per year (carbon footprints are 62% of ecological footprint, because of health insurance, military, other costs from society and infrequent flying).
— 2.2 Earths would be needed for everyone to live like me.

I already stated my goals my introduction post on the ERE forums. They already contain some of the above:
mush wrote:
Tue Dec 06, 2022 8:15 am
1. develop my understanding of the world [I can improve that without a bachelor's degree in physics, although not quiet the same]
- explore my consciousness [lifelong, intermittent] → meditate, live slowly outside, have little possessions, music*, experiment nature in the great outdoors*
- traveling/living slowly around the world [lifelong, intermittent] → hitchhiking, sailing, cycling, hiking
2. enjoy life respectfully
- stay healthy [lifelong, continuous] → martial arts, hiking, walking, running, swimming, eating veggies not meat
- improve other people's life [lifelong, continuous] → give a hand, be welcoming/sincere/grateful, discover/experiment/spread better lifestyles for using the commons we all need (including animals)
3. have fun
- all the rest [intermittent, not necessarily lifelong] → ham radio (not necessarily always compatible**, I forgot the word Jacob uses), guitar, whatever comes
I still have these goals, and I can work on them while I do the rest. I must not forget my mental limitations and the system limitations (think the Earth) to these goals. Therefore, priority must be set to having more FU money and therefore more clearness of mind. Once reached, priority shifts to living sustainably as soon as possible so I can focus on the other goals, that are–in a way– even more important to me.

First reach “a free and non-destructive” life, then a “full” life. I don’t want to be perfect, but I don’t want to be damaging commons.

Steps:

Steps with number are ordered. Steps with dots can be done anytime in between the numbered ones.

1. Get a job.

— Offset past (likely underestimated), current and future (possibly overestimated) CO2 emissions during transition period to a sustainable lifestyle.
——— Keeping it simple:6.2t CO2 · 25 years · 125% (to account for the underestimation) = 193.75 tons to offset. Using the cheapest yet social enough Gold Standard project from Native or the Gold Standard marketplace, it generally comes to 12 USD a ton and around 2400 USD to offset.
——— Offsetting is only trying to fix the problem that we create, but it helps reducing my impact while I move towards “not creating a problem”.
——— It can be done with money from the first months of the job.
——— I must look deeper into what company and projects I choose.

— Accumulate a 100 000 USD to have a 4000 USD/year rent at 4% WR.
——— This will help me feel economically safer when starting projects. → “Oxygen mask” principle
——— Grow this stash as much as possible up to 300 000 USD.
——— If it happens at some point that I don’t need the money anymore, I can donate it.

— Reduce possessions down to a closet at family home.
——— Having less possessions takes less space and produce less trash.
——— One must not get rid of things to buy them again after. Every item that I let go of, I should either permanently be able to do without, or renounce forever the use that this item brought.
——— Therefore, I must keep possessions that I cannot easily borrow or source sustainably even if I rarely use them.
——— I must take into account my SO, who is less extreme than me. Since I guess we pretty much need each other, we’ll compromise accordingly.
——— As long as my family lives in a home with too much space for them (likely indefinitely), I can have some stuff in a closet.

— Get and keep yearly spending under 1 eco-Jacob
——— GDP per capita [USD] / (footprint per capita [gha] / biocapacity per capita [gha]).
——— Let’s say the Global Earth eco-Jacob, as per reasoning here, so 6228 USD.

2. Get disciplined and stop struggling with responsibilities.
——— The tasks under this one need a lot of self discipline or responsibility. I need to find a way to still do them.
——— Maybe time will help as I become more adult. → Become more disciplined
——— There are many alternatives (“own the land and do the bare minimum” vs. “have a permaculture farm on other people lands that I farm for profit”) → Find alternatives

— Move to a hut I build
——— Either on land I own, or land I use in exchange for providing care to the garden, building the hut, etc.
——— Try to be off-grid: do humanure, collect rainwater, use solar panels, etc.
——— Alternative: be nomadic in a bike trailer or RV
——— Alternative: WWOOF in off the grid farms

— Divert investments from fossil fuels into regenerative investments or businesses
——— I’ll never become moneyless because I want to have healthcare and more. Therefore I’ll still need money even if I become extremely frugal. I want it to be “clean” money.

You can see how Rob Greenfield is a bit of a role model, but I don't want to be like him because I don't think I can, and because I want to have more fun. If it happens that it is how I have fun and I end up like this, whatever. Also, I don't aim to save the world, but rather not to kill it. If most of the people were doing it like this, the world would be saved. We don't need more world saviors, but more world not-killers. Also, don't think I am selfless: there would be more chances me and people around me survive and enjoy life if I manage to have this lifestyle before peak oil happens. The Renaissance man is antifragile!

EDIT: Added links. I'm done now, not touchy with computer anymore for the day. Okay?

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Re: mush journal: what will happen next?

Post by jacob »

If you want to get hardcore on the ecological footprint, I recommend https://www.amazon.com/Radical-Simplici ... 865714738/ which contains a laborious exercise to calculate your very own footprint instead of relying on back-of-the-envelope estimates.

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Jean
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Re: mush journal: what will happen next?

Post by Jean »

did you apply at forest jump in prés d'orvin?
if you get the job, you could camp in my forest for free 20minutes walkibg from there. I also might have a room for rent at 150+charge at 1hour walk.
Is your bike a fixie with oval chain ring, a water drop low bar and a 46/17 chain ratio? mine was stolen in 2016 and i didn't report the frame number.

mush
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mush journal: 2023, week 2.5 update

Post by mush »

@jacob

I saw you recommended this book on the JAFI thread and it's already on my reading list. ;) I hope to have more time for reading in the next few months, after my course finishes.

@Jean

Sadly not, I would have gladly taken the proposals—any of the two, really! For the record, I live in one of the few big towns of the French speaking part of Switzerland. So not that east. Could I give you a visit the next time I go see my grandparents?

Regarding your bike: I have a Merida fitness/hybrid bike sort of equipped for touring. Oval chainring? Woaw, never heard about that, so cool. Not your fixie. Always worth a try though. I had a bike that I really loved stolen and I was always seeing its ghost in the street; that's him! Wait no, but let me check.

I forgot to mention it last update. When truing the wheels of my new bike at a family friend's bike shop, I took part in a guessing contest (one had to guess different numbers for a ball made entirely out of discarded bike tubes) and it happens I won the first prize, a mountain bike worth around 700 USD online. I'm hoping to convince the owner to let me grab other stuff (panniers, lamps, chain and whatnot) rather than the bike. I know I should rather accept it and sell it, because I only truly need a pair of panniers, nothing else.

Regarding contests, I was a bit addict two years ago. Now I don't actively look out for them, but if there's one for which participation is quick and with seemingly good odds, I definitely take part. It makes for a nice surprise once every two years.

I have a question for you, and maybe you could point me if you answered already: how was buying forest land in Switzerland? Do you manage to live in it? Did you build anything? I've read part of your journal and I haven't found such details. Sorry if you wrote about it already.

======

Sorry for not updating on Sunday. Then I had the first day of classes and I didn't really have the mind to it until today.

Going back to school after a year and a half out of the system is a surprising feeling. I don't know how I was able to achieve anything in the time from 1700 to 2200. It's a bit old school teaching, mostly reading the book alongside the teacher. I have trouble keeping focus, partly because of the slow rhythm and the teaching method, so I can see I'm slowly going back to old coping mechanism: I read the book and do the homework during the lesson. The rest of the time, I do coloring or knots with a rope. There are a few workshops the afternoon and it's much more active and fun. When I pace out, I remember myself it's only one month, and I mustn't drop out—what a whiner.

I got an answer from the other tree adventure park close to home asking for a pitch in English. I've sent them one yesterday and I feel confident in my English so I guess I might be hired there!

The thing is: one has to find an internship for the second part of the caregiver course. Internship ends one day before training begins for the hired operators at the adventure park. Therefore, I must find an internship in the right dates or even before. I've already sent an application to all the 60 institutions that could take me except from 2 that are a bit unlikely to accept any kind of internship. I feel afraid that I won't find one at the right dates. But I know I'll find a way, I always do, or the way comes to me, whichever.

Another questioning I have is whether I should work as a caregiver or as an adventure park operator. Being a caregiver brings around 50 000 USD a year full time (net). Adventure park operator net income shouldn't be above 25 000 USD from my calculations. That's for 7 months as opposed to 12 months for the first though. → Should I rush out to be FI, with a harder and more intense job with more benefits, no weekends, and better job security? Or should I go for the easier seasonal work I know I can handle, albeit pushing my 100 000 USD milestone more than a few years further.

I'm not trying to answer yet, the internship will likely bring the answers I need (or maybe they'll reject my application at the park!), but when presented with two work options, I can't help but think of them.

That's it for today.

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Jean
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Re: mush journal: what will happen next?

Post by Jean »

yeah, not my bike.
Buying a forest in switzerland requires a lot of patience (or luck, depending how you see it). There were about 15 years beetween when i knew i wanted to buy a forest, and the opportunity to buy one.
I'm not allowed to live in it, and building is very restricted. (i could build a beehouse, or a shelter for wildlife food.
I could camp there indefinitely. I spent a lot of time thinking about which built structure would provide the greatest help for living there, with the lowest chance of being asked to demolish it.

ertyu
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Re: mush journal: what will happen next?

Post by ertyu »

I think you should take the caregiver job. Have your license and save as much as you can, you can always be a park operator later. Whereas being a caregiver sometimes depends on having a healthy body, if you have to help move people or help them get up (?) etc. Try the harder thing, see how you do, change your mind if you don't like it, the easier thing is always there

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Jean
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Re: mush journal: what will happen next?

Post by Jean »

One of the thing i regret, is not having competence for a highly in demand job i could get every few year for a few month. Engineer doesn't fit this description. And now, I don't have the patience to stick to anything full time for the time of an instruction.
I think getting the caregiver instruction will get you many options for the futur IF you like it. If you don't like it, find something else.
You like being high, so maybe you'de like to look for an "electricien de réseau" apprenticeship?

RoamingFrancis
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Re: mush journal: what will happen next?

Post by RoamingFrancis »

So what's pushing you to meditate?

You get to use your mind to directly investigate the nature of consciousness and reality. What's not to love? XD

Do you find constant enjoyment in your practice?

No. It's really fucking hard sometimes. But it's fucking worth it.

The best advice that I can give with regards to meditation is to find a practice that you resonate with or feel drawn to, and find a good teacher that teaches that practice. Make sure whatever you're doing is sane and grounded, and do your best to give the practice all you've got.

Just a disclaimer - I am not a meditation teacher and am not comfortable giving people practice instructions, or mentoring people through a practice. I have had a practice for a couple years and done a couple retreats, but I don't want to present myself as something that I'm not. It is important to make sure that you have competent guides if you take up a practice, for the same reason that you would want a qualified psychotherapist or heart surgeon, or anything else for that matter. You are working with your body-mind system in ways that alter its functioning, so it's important to make good choices about what you're doing.

Checked out the website for the Waking Up app - seems pretty cool!

mush
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Re: mush journal: what will happen next?

Post by mush »

@ertyu

You have to climb up trees as an adventure park operator. Don't really know which one's the most physical, but probably caregiver. Oddly, there are likely more of the latter in their sixties and still working than in the former.

@Jean

Well, I'm a bit like you in the sense that I'm very afraid I don't have the patience to go through full time learning for too long.

Thus I had the same reasoning about learning for shortest amount of time I could, to work in the most demanded job there is that is also future proof. All while keeping in mind that said job needed to be the sightliest bit enjoyable. So , indeed there is a lot of interim and part time in old people homes, although they often want to keep their employees for a while since it makes life better for the clients.

I am in anyway finishing the caregiver instruction, but I know I'd better get hired after the internship so I can have finished the "diploma" and one year or so experience, which looks better on the CV. Having the power to work anytime I want and leave with a one month notice sounds awesome, as opposed to scouting odd job opportunities for months.

I got a job interview with the adventure park, either tomorrow or next week. I now need to make a choice rather rapidly, because I don't want to lose this employment opportunity for next year if I decide to work as a caregiver this year.

Regarding any kind of apprenticeship, we'll see that with the future me!

Now, the obvious decision is to wait and see. Talk with the adventure park owner about pay and work in detail. Then make a more informed decision, maybe sleep on it if I can. All in all, I know it's probably better to work as a caregiver and really try my best of the best to wing it until next year, and then decide if I want to work in an adventure park instead. I can even do an internship there to see if I like it more during some holidays as a caregiver.

I'm just so afraid that I won't like it. I know it's dumb! I'm in such a nice position in life right now :roll:

@RoamingFrancis

Thanks for telling me it's hard. It's reassuring. I understand not willing to give too much instructions, although what you say about finding a good teacher is often what prevents me from actually practicing. Whether sport, languages, music. I always spend too much time trying to find the best way to learn and not enough actually learning. Actually, I think it's my problem, forget it. Regarding Waking Up, I got interested in meditation upon reading the Meditation page on Psychonaut Wiki where there was a guided meditation by Sam Harris. I had a lot of misconceptions on meditation and on anything that sounded like "self help". Sam Harris has a scientific background and is, particularly, strongly into didactic. I believed he was the most possibly sound and down to earth person from whom I could read about meditation as a mean of exploring one's consciousness. I then read part of his book called Waking Up after which he named the app.

Thanks for your answer everyone.

RoamingFrancis
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Re: mush journal: what will happen next?

Post by RoamingFrancis »

Sounds like Sam Harris is a great starting point. I might be interested in checking it out myself; my training is more rooted in traditional Buddhist psychology and philosophy, and I think I would benefit from getting to go down a secular neuroscientific reality tunnel.

With regards to finding a teacher, I would just say to set the intention to find one and go about your life. Sooner or later you'll bump into someone you connect with. Both of my current teachers sort of waltzed into my life without me expecting them to :)

mush
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mush journal: 2023, week 3 update

Post by mush »

Hi everyone,

Jobs/training

I went to the interview with the adventure park owner and it was a fairly open discussion—quiet outside of the usual normative job interview process. I think it's because a lot of back and forth already went by email. In the park, he asked some questions, told me what he found was good and bad in my application and why he thought I was very motivated, but short of qualifications and experience for the full time seasonal job. We discussed about my caregiver course and he told me I should try to work a bit there to secure the experience needed for job opportunities in this field. He was very sweet, because he was afraid I couldn't live off the money: 25.80 USD/hour, 7.5 months of the year (indeed, most people can't). I had to tell him I was very frugal and that I can be more risky with jobs since I'm young and living at my parents'.

Finally, he told me he could almost guarantee he'll hire me for the job as an auxiliary (fixed is between 1000-1200 hours in the 7.5 months season, while auxiliary is between 600-1000). He said he had to meet other candidates and sort a few things out, but that we'll very likely meet at the training. I felt like we both wanted to find what was good for the two of us.

It's good news to me, I feel I will have a lot of flexibility with work:

- If I get hired as a caregiver (part time / full time), I can adapt this extra job depending on my energy (plannings are made Thursdays for the next week). I can work more than full time for extra money, or less for extra rest. The only requirement is to work a bit during the summer months because they have a lot of work at this time of the year.
- If I don't get hired as a caregiver after my course, I can work as much as I can in this job, and start teaching French again.

Put another way:
Total work: 20%-100%*
- Caregiver: 0%-100% (depending on me getting hired)
- Adventure park operator: (20%-60% secured)
- French teacher: 0-20% (depending on me working again or not)

*a full time month in Switzerland is approximately 177 hours. 2124 hours a year. You sometimes get paid a 13th month.

As long as I feel I have the control over my working hours, things should be fine. The adventure park job would provide for more fun outdoor with young people, albeit at a lower pay, while the caregiver job pays more (and has benefits), but should be duller. Technically, both jobs can be worked part time. I'm only afraid that they ask me to work weekends at the retirement home while I planned to work at the park. All in all, that's the only fear: time management.

Anyway, I can't say anything until I really worked in any of the two jobs.

Other

Looking at my "checklist" above, here are a few more things I did beneficial to my goals:

1. Discipline: I've read the Fasting MMG thread. I wanted to try, mostly for the challenge, but also because it doesn't seem detrimental to my health. I tend to have more discipline not doing something, rather than doing something. I've skipped evening meal this Thursday, so I fasted from 1200 to 0700 the next day. 19 hours doesn't sound like a lot, but it was a bit hard in the beginning. After I've been through the night, I felt I could have done 24 hours by simply skipping breakfast. I was very unproductive the evening, I felt I was lacking a lot of energy. SO was a bit angry because she felt like it was pointless.

2. Possessions: I've reduced my possessions a bit, but the things I'm getting rid of are sitting in a corner of the room. I have to decide whether to hold a "pay what you want" day in my room inviting people from a local free stuff Telegram group to come (so I can at least make a little bit of money) or to give it all to goodwill. All the possessions I truly want to keep are in the closet, apart from some things. Here's a list by location:

- closet: stuff I want to keep (medical stuff, travel gear, clothing, admin, etc.)
- roller drawer under the desk: tools, ham radio stuff for quick access. → could fit in the closet if needed.
- trolley: full of shoes (around 10 pairs) → have to sort them, but I'll likely use them all up at some point (running shoes, hiking shoes, barefoot shoes, clean shoes for job, etc.)
- roller cabinet: full of computer stuff (cables, parts, laptops, desktop computers, etc.) → I must sort these. I need to keep some parts for repairs, but there's likely a bunch of stuff I'll never ever need.
- shelves: books → I already decided I don't need them. I keep them because I can.
- some more stuff hidden around the room (bike parts, guitar, etc.) → can't fit in the closet. Need to make more room in the closet.

I'm not yet at my goal, but the idea is that everything I truly want to keep must fit in the closet if need be. The day I'll move out, I can get rid of anything that's outside. Ideally, I'd be able to move out with my bike trailer.

Things I can improve:
- books
- computer stuff
- clothing

3. Spending: quiet low because I consistently bring my own meal at school. Regular bills are at around 300 USD (mostly health insurance). The new bicycle I bought was 320 USD like you know. Sold the old one for 215 USD. Still have one to sell for around 100 USD, so I should be flush there. Had a lot of doctor appointments for a sweet total of 2150 USD and I bought new prescription glasses for 400 USD (all of it will come down to 255 USD thanks to health insurance). Still, healthcare was too much. It's likely going to be my biggest spending for most of my life if I'm not careful.

See you next week.

EDIT: Edited some spending for shortness sake.

mush
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mush journal: 2023, week 4 update

Post by mush »

Jobs/training

I have an internship for my caregiver course. I didn't find it, but, at some point, because the school had secured enough internships for all of us who didn't find one yet, they said we didn't have to find one by ourselves anymore.

I am very happy, because during the initial interview, they asked if I was interested in doing the internship in a home care institution rather than an old people home*, and I said yes, because I believe the work is slightly nicer as you must move between locations and you work more independently. So, the internship I have should be in the home care institution, and there is a chance I'll be hired after the internship if I do a good job!

*This is usually not possible in the course I was taking, apart from this internship opportunity they had.

The job might be paid less than in an old people home, but it's less stressful in return. I don't know exactly how it is yet, I'll know more during the internship.

EDIT: Sorry the job is called home nurse, not home help. It's the same as in an old people home, but you go visit the people in their home instead.

Other

We went with SO to meditate in a vipassana meditation center. It was nice and we'll do it again next week. I hope we can do it every week—it's a simple and good habit.

I didn't make a lot of progress that's worth mentioning towards my goals this week. I'll try more next week, especially towards reducing possessions and going to my martial art class. I don't feel too bad towards my lack of progress. It's fine, I have time. (But the dojo subscription is expensive, I must go there at least twice a week!)

Expenses/income

I made a deposit for some money I received for Christmas (435 USD). I then went on an shopping spree, spending 40 USD @ Decathlon/European-REI-equivalent (new fannypack, sport shirt for BJJ, replacement bike tube, another bag for running) 40 USD @ Aliexpress (multitool, wrench, hand-crank light and new headlamp). I'm ambivalent towards these expenses. It's on a fine line between need and stupid. I definitely could do without (except the tube), but I do feel my life is better with them.

→ Most of my expenses are usually towards getting higher quality gear than I have, generally when deemed necessary by limitations, but I can't always sell the old one to make up the money and I often buy when not necessary.

Today, I sold all my cryptocurrencies I had mostly gotten for free in "learn" programs. It was around 260 USD.

Investment

Hugh volatility (and loss) in my stock picks. It's taking too much headspace so I want something simpler.
TSLA -57.94%
NIO -5.74%
ENIC 30.23%
ACLN.SW 15.06%
(EDIT: It's TTWROR)

I wrote my investment plan (I don't know what's the exact name). It's certainly not perfect, but I'll publish it to force me to stop investing the small amount of money I'm making in stupid stocks. I still haven't read "Growing Free". Please note 1 CHF = 1.09 USD.

# Investment portfolio
Goal: to sleep at night, have decent returns, little management and simplicity

*Not current, but rather goal allocation at time of writing (2023-01-22).*

Net worth allocation
· 2500 CHF cash to cover health insurance deductible
· >500 CHF cash
· >7% second pillar (1% interest)
· <80% stocks
· ~1500 CHF fun stocks (current stock picks, maybe I'll sell one day?)

I don’t want to have more than 80% stocks. I know I'd feel safer with less volatility if I have a bigger portfolio. I’ve read bonds in Europe are bad as of now. This means I can either have more cash or more money in my second pillar. Money in the second pillar is locked until retirement age (65 years old, or when you buy a house and other exceptions). If you earn more than 24 885 CHF/year, an age-related percentage of your income goes in the second pillar (7% in my case). Therefore, I’ll have minimum 7% of money in the second pillar, but it’s allowed to add more (and you don’t pay taxes on it).

Stocks allocation
· 20% Swiss stocks — CHSPI (0.10% TER)
· 80% International stocks — VT (0.07% TER)

mush
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mush journal: 2023, week 6 update

Post by mush »

I missed last week update and I'm late by a day for this update.

Jobs/training

I still have the job as a communication assistant at the family member company. Because I had done a lot of things late and I even missed a few things, we had a meeting with supervisor to put things back on rail. I apologized and I proposed we set up a weekly meeting at the office so I do the job there afterwards. I know it works better for me. As long as the job's done, they don't really care anyway. After this post, I'll write a newsletter for them. Mustn't forget or postpone it like always—did I lose already?

I gave two French lessons this Sunday. It was the first time in four weeks. They've been decreasing as I stopped accepting new students and a lot of my regular students have been busy. Some even moved to offline classes in private schools. It's something I emphatically accept as I shift towards other jobs and don't want to feel overwhelmed. So I'm just trying to finish the packages students have bought with me.

No feedback yet from the adventure park. I sent an email today.

Otherwise, I passed the theory and practice exam for the caregiver course just fine. I now have to go through the internship and not make any serious mistakes, which should be alright. I am on holidays this week and will go to Strasbourg with SO to drink beers and eat flammenküche at the happy hour. Internship begins next week. I met with the head nurse who will be my guarantor for the school and turns out I'll be working two weeks in at home care-giving and two weeks in an old people home. It's good for my work experience and training. The home is far, but in a lovely location. I'll have the precise work schedule this week, but he told me the main lines—it's lame. I'll be working mornings and afternoons with a four hour break in the middle somewhere 40 minutes by bike from home. What can you do. :roll:

Expenses/Income

I'm happy to see that the total spending for meals at school (I was eating everyday there during the course) settled at around 5 USD. I consistently brought my food from home or from dumpster diving the petrol station close by school. I bought a bread once because I had some tuna spread leftover and some candies for everybody the last day.

We also now receive food aid for college students from an association I subscribed SO too. It wasn't like I was spending a lot in this category since family is taking care of that, but I feel better knowing we are contributing to the household groceries in a way. A small part of the food aid comes from out-of-date products and bad looking fruits and vegetables. Dumpster diving is going well, but is more an habit that's opportunity based than regular. We had a ton of sushi this weekend.

But I spent a lot on gadgets. I recently bought (second-hand) a gimbal pocket camera (Osmo Pocket) for around 160 USD and then went on a spree (@ Aliexpress again, 50 USD) for accessories for this camera (+ 20 USD 128gb MicroSD card @ offline store). I hope to shoot a lot of footage of trips and whatever with SO, but I remember I had a GoPro I was never using a few years ago and I ended up selling it. This camera is very easy to use/deploy/send to smartphone and has alright audio so I believe I'll use it more. That's how I was justifying it. Also, I can possibly sell it for the same price.

I went to a bar (first time since half a year I think) and I forgot how expensive they were. We spent 40 USD in drinks for SO and me. I was with other people (SO's friends) whom I never met and I really wanted to socialize. I think the fact I almost never drink justified the purchase a bit more.

I sold a laser cutter and thermoforming machine for another family member (I'm really grateful for all the opportunities coming from them) and I got my share of it (2600 USD). Knowing I was going to get this money also justified more spending.

Other

Rereading last weeks journals:

— I didn't go to meditate again with SO.
— I still didn't go training at the dojo since last year.
— I've been watching way too much screens and not meeting with friends enough.

Laziness has been often mentally justified by my success in the caregiver course.

Investments

Pulled out the money from the robo-advisor. It's been sitting in bank account. Tomorrow I'll invest any excess money in VT. I want to have more cash, but I expect to be saving more cash when I have a job. I have slight FOMO/performance chasing from the stock market going back up again and it's part of why I feel I should invest more now and less later. Also, it seems investing earlier is always better than later, especially in my situation where I don't need cash on hand anytime soon.

mush
Posts: 22
Joined: Mon Dec 05, 2022 9:09 am

Re: mush journal: 2023, week 8 or so update

Post by mush »

Quick midweek update as I missed the two last weeks updates.

Jobs/training

I've begun the internship. It's stressful work. I am currently working in a home with around 30 old people, most of which have cognitive issues or physical disabilities. We have to care for them. The work begins at 7:45 (will soon be 7:30, but I might finish before) and ends at 12:00. I go back after a long break at 18:00 until 21:00. I have been obviously unable to get more than 7:00 of sleep, but I take some naps around 2-3 times a week. I might take my tent to sleep closer to work one or two days. Should be fun and relaxing.

I feel I wouldn't mind working more hours if we had more time for every client, and if it was a continuous schedule like 07:00-12:00 and 12:30-15:30. Sadly it's not like that, and I feel I have very long days, and that we are super speed during the few hours we have to help wash, cream, dress, eat, get ready, wake up (etc.) every client.

I also cycle there, which makes the whole day a (now) surprisingly quick 30 kilometers (7.5 km times four). I takes me between 20 to 30 minutes, while at was more around 40 minutes at first. I don't regret buying my new bike back in December.

So it's stressful and strenuous, but most clients are very thankful and it does makes me feel useful. I wish I had more time, because we really are wiggling the clients sometimes when working fast! I wanted to send job applications now so I make sure I'm not only relying on the company who took me for the internship to hire me later. Sadly, I must wait to have my certification so I can include it in the applications.

As you get more years of experience, it's easier to find a better and regularly scheduled position.

Beginning next week, I'll be working for two weeks more at the same company but at in-home care. It'll be closer to my home, but the days will be longer. Might be more calm, but it'll most likely be similar. I'll count my hours then to make sure I'm not doing more than the school internship requirement (160 hours over 4 weeks). I'm hoping to take two weeks time off after the internship to send applications.

Other

I picked up the mountain bike I won, and I already put it to sale (700 CHF, which is 75% of online retail price), but I don't think it will sell at this price even though it's new. In most big towns in Switzerland, there are so many bikes you can get one for free even though you don't want it.

I am not following with any of my interests and personal goals except money as of now. I appreciate the physical activity provided by cycling. Other than that, outside of work, I don't work out, play guitar, meditate or anything. There isn't any class at my dojo that falls in my free hours. I've been hoping to work body-weight fitness again. I wonder if I'm hopeless in regard to this as long as I'm working between 70-100% (which is app. between 120-160 hours a month).

Spending as been low. I don't go out, don't eat out, don't buy anything (apart from the camera a few weeks ago). Similarly, earnings have been close to null, with only one French lesson as I'm trying to stop teaching.

I've given two bags of useless belongings to goodwill. Room is looking better now.

There really isn't much happening, but I still manage to write so much. Hope you're scrolling through and not reading everything.

mush
Posts: 22
Joined: Mon Dec 05, 2022 9:09 am

mush journal: 2023, week 10 or so update

Post by mush »

Blabla missed updates blabla irregular.

Jobs/training

I finished my internship. The part where I'd have been working as an in-home caregiver was continuously postponed, but I was still able to do 4 days there at a much more relaxed pace than at the old people home.

What can I say to keep it short and constructive? It was nice and I had a good sense of purpose, but it was also tiring. I was complaining almost every evening by the end of it. I'm happy and quiet proud I've been through. Also, I was able to get a better idea of what the job was like, how much it was paid, employment opportunities and so on. I believe I can hope to make around 30-33.50 USD gross income per hour; especially if I work night-shifts or weekends.

I'm taking this week and the next one as some sort of holidays—I'll get the certification the 24th and only then will I be able to apply to job openings. Meanwhile, the training for adventure park operator has begun and it's on weekends (11-12, 18-19, 25-26). The first weekend was very enjoyable. The people are kind, nice and in my age group. The boss is also kind and relaxed, we can "se tutoyer", which means we use the informal you in French, which means—it's cool bro, we chill. During the training, we have to do every courses in the aerial adventure park. In between the theory on safety, we have some fun on the trees. The last part of the training will be even better as we will be learning how to bring someone down from a tree/zip-line using a device made for this. All this will also get me a certification which I can use to apply to other adventure parks too. I only need to follow a one-day first-aid course to have it. The gross income per hour at the adventure park will be 26 USD.

The next steps are to wait and see:
- How the job market is and how easily I find a job as a caregiver. It's usually temp work with bad schedules at the beginning. I might be fully "booked" one week and completely free the other.
- As the plannings are often finished at least a week in advance in the medical field, I'll adapt to this planning to fill my availability for the adventure park operator job.

I'll see how much I can work in a month long term. I know 90%* is my upper limit, so around 80%** should be fine. This depends on the jobs, because I have a feeling it will be less tiring in the park.

I generally hope to make at least 3000 USD a month. But we'll see!

*145 hours/month, 7:15 a day
**128 hours a month, generally 2 days off every other week in this field

Other

I sold the mountain bike soon after last post for 650 CHF = 700 USD. I enjoy having a lot of free time again. I am not very active, but I went bouldering with friends twice this week although it's been a year I didn't go. I didn't go to my dojo though. I had a few dentist and doctor appointments and I already received a thousand dollar bill, which is a pain with my new 2700 CHF health insurance deductible. I must remind myself that the money was saved from the monthly health insurance cost (which is lower when you have a bigger deductible).

SO pointed out I spent too much time on the computer, and we discussed that I might be a bit addicted, however hard it might be to admit that. I also spend a lot of time at home even when I feel like I'd enjoy being out—I know this is much different in summer. I got back a feature phone I had from a family member, and I'll try using it to be reachable so I can turn off and put the smartphone in the drawer most of the day. I'll also try doing the same with my laptop. Pack it in a drawer when not using it for a precise reason.

I might have strong willpower in precise and sustained activities, but I might be neither mindful enough of my actions or consistent enough to remind myself of why I open said device; it's why I hope this method works. As always, we'll see! I always got plenty of ideas, but not much in terms of follow-up.

Spending is low, with generally health insurance staying the main winner, followed by almost never more than 100 USD of groceries, rare drinks and social/cultural activities, which are almost entirely avoidable in my current situation (family pays food/housing). I still have irregular big expenses that might sometimes come: recently this was the announcement that my dojo had forgotten to pay the licenses for last year and this year and that we must pay a 110 USD to renew them.

Income is alright. Higher than spending for sure. Leftover money forgot in Italki account, salary from the communication job at family member's company, sale of goods hanging round the house (the bicycle!). So far more than a 1000 USD for the current month, which feels very good.

mush
Posts: 22
Joined: Mon Dec 05, 2022 9:09 am

mush journal: 2023, week 12 update

Post by mush »

As soon as I have too much free time that isn't devoted to one particular activity—for instance, time spent at home rather than time spent hiking—I tend to overthink my current life situation and plan.

The last few days, I've been doubtful whether I should go travel or start working. Doubtful, is maybe a wrong word, but I was hesitant, and often contemplating the idea of traveling or doing something else than my current plan; as if it would solve my current boredom. In reality, reading this journal once again, in particular my goals reminds me of why I do most of what I'm doing now.

I believe there is some sort of source for all this mental ruminating. There are many interesting, defying, diverse ways to live. With the modern media exposure, I see a number that's too big every day and that fiddles with my patience and motivation to follow through my projects, because I want to start new ones.

Pointing this out, although maybe not so interesting for you readers, helps me keep calm.
_______

Otherwise, no change big enough to mention happened, which is why I'm going to keep this update short and maybe more personal than usual.

The last days of my aerial adventure park / rope course / whatever you call it will be this weekend. I can't wait to work there, as it has been very nice so far. If it turns out I like this work field, I might do a 1-week course (IRATA level 1) to become a rope access technician. Sadly, it looks like this profession doesn't pay well and is dangerous. I hope it's a bit different in Switzerland, and, if I don't rely on it as a single source of income, I have the possibility to accept solely the good contracts.

Afterwards, someone who learned French with me is going to spend a few days with us as part on their European trip. I'm very happy for this. They came all the way from Singapore. The same week, with SO, we'll be going to plenty of conferences / workshops / visits as part of a history festival about food (sounds weird, but you can check the website). The last two week were rather slow with only two days of training (=work) a week, so I can't wait to be a bit more active.

Right now, SO is away until Sunday, hanging out at a friend's house because she likes to do it every now and then. She always tells me late, which brings an initial feeling of sadness, which is quickly rationalized to a positive feeling of space and time for personal projects.

Tomorrow, I hope to sort through my books. I have a lot of comics, which I don't read so much anymore, but for which I have strong emotions. I hope to be able to part.

mush
Posts: 22
Joined: Mon Dec 05, 2022 9:09 am

mush journal: 2024, week 10

Post by mush »

I'm sorry that I haven't written more updates. I am mostly telling this to myself, but I believe some people here where reading. I'm trying to get up-to-date with reading the other journals I was following too.

Jobs:

Since the last update, I worked a fair share of 2023 at the aerial adventure park, mostly during summer. Some months were close to a 50% part-time. The job itself provides a lot of variety, with some parts on the trees, some parts equipping people and some parts in the forest or on the tower locking them on the courses. The colleagues are nice and the rhythm is enjoyable. I enrolled again this season because it's flexible, outside and I'll need money.

In April 2023, I couldn't find a job as a caregiver albeit trying to. It does feel like it was maybe some sort of acte manqué (translates to Freudian slip), because I tried again in November and found a full-time job as a waiter at the hospital after one week. The job was actually close to caregiver once you look at the job specs, but much easier. Still I disliked it and quit after two days. I now know for sure I don't want to work in a hospital or an old people home.

Moving out:

Meanwhile, we found in October a rental for SO and me! Sadly it took until now for the owner to make it available to us. I know it's financially wiser to stay at my parents, but we're just too many on this boat. The stress and proximity is too much and we want some peace away from my family. Because it took so long, the urge to move out as become stronger and stronger, and the impatience was so strong I was afraid of dropping everything I had planned and "going to Norway". The rent is low for Switzerland, especially my town, at around a 1000 USD, which we'll split. Obviously, all the other costs will rise up too since we will have to pay our own food and furniture. I'll be counting on my scavenging abilities here and there.

Family and Christmas:

The Christmas period was a pain. I had left the waiter job and I felt awfully lame and meaningless. My little brother was playing more and more video games and becoming more and more stupid. My mother was getting more and more depressed. Our older dog was peeing and pooping more and more everywhere. I felt I had to give my life some meaning so I spent a lot of time with them, like it was my mission before and through Christmas. On Christmas' Eve, we killed our old dog.

While it's hard to say why, all this period was the hardest time I've been through, and only now have I've been getting better. I had multiple days in a row where I wouldn't leave the house and I would just stay there browsing the web and doing whatever I had in mind to try and keep busy. I started playing video games again. I hadn't since I was 16 years old. I turned 22 this January.

Now:

Because I'm not completely stupid, I could see I was not doing well so I coerced myself into getting active again. My mother proposed me a full-time 1.5 months long job at a movie shooting. It's called régie and roughly translates to location management. it happens during principal photography. You have to make sure of a lot of things:

- everyone has coffee and snacks
- people can park their cars
- the security of the filming equipment
- there are no people crossing when it's filming
- etc.

It's a tiny little cog, but pretty essential to the process. A bit like being the tenant of the movie set. You sometimes work from 18:00 to 03:00 in the morning on a Sunday. I've been through half of the 6 weeks, and we're slowly getting to the point where I want it to be over with. Not bad, it usually happens much faster!

Spending and earnings

To keep it short because there isn't much to say here: I failed. I barely saved any money over the last year and a half. My income has been going up, but so do my expenses. This won't get better as we move into our apartment.

I'll make around 7500 USD from the movie job over the course of the 6 weeks.

Conclusion

Of course, a lot more happened, and I've traveled a bit, but it's nothing worthy of mention. All in all, I am not reconsidering my plan, but it seems like there is one more step to it now before anything else happens:

1. Get better.

I need some fresh air. I need some time away from my family. I need winter to be over. I need to start tracking my money again (haven't done it since December). I need to stop working for a while. I need to sort stuff. I need to do my taxes. I need to meet some friends again. I need to exercise at least a bit.

I don't want to worry in the next months, because I was worrying for almost all of the past year. I know some of the money I made from the movie job will go into that temporary oxygen mask. I'm aware it can be a slippery slope as I work to pay the bills and pay the bills to relax off the work.

I have nice plans for this year and I want to open a small restaurant pulled by a bicycle. I passed the license in October to be able to open one. Hopefully it should be ready by summer. I don't have set deadlines.

The main idea of this project is to provide a revenue with potential growth, while keeping me out from burnout of working too much or too irregularly. On the markets, I can open 2 days a week. Compared to a common job, I would have flexibility and perspectives. It comes with some risks too, which is why I'm taking my time to minimize them.

I worked a lot on this, but I don't see the point of writing too much about it as long as I haven't made clear progress. We'll see how it goes and I'll try to keep you updated!

Still, the first priority, is to feel right and in control again.

======

Aside: some self analysis:

It was so surprisingly easy to find the hospital waiter job, that I felt very confident regarding employment and earning money. It feels like a ladder of discoveries towards more freedom each time. In each of these, I thought I had the ability:

- live with very little. (16 y.o.)
- earn a small income through small jobs rather easily. (18 y.o.)
- earn a nomadic small income through online entrepreneurship. In this case, teaching people. (20 y.o.)
- More a possibility: If I earn enough, I can live without the need to work again. (20 y.o.)
- earn a large income (compared to global standards) through full-time jobs in Switzerland (21 y.o.)

Sounds great, although this year was a step down the ladder. As much as I believed in my steps to reach the top of the ladder, I actually can't handle full-time jobs. It's a great evolution to be able to get hired, but it's of no use because I hate full-time jobs. I hate them I hate them I hate them. Voilà.

No matter how enjoyable the work is, there seems to be no way I can do any activity for such a sustained and continuous period. While I knew it all along, I thought I had the motivation and strength to render unto Caesar for a while, all so I can achieve more thorough freedom after. It isn't the case and this attitude expands to other things in my life.

Let's say I have these things to deal with:

- little brother
- moving out
- work

I could be managing all these perfectly in an organized manner. If you add anything to this, like the death of my older dog or something as simple as taxes closing, I become overly stressed and I lose control, until I entirely drop one of these things.

I had migraines since I'm 11 and I'm aware of this issue, because I follow the same mechanism on a sensitivity level. If in a week, I accumulate lack of sleep, stress and a noisy environment, I will likely have a migraine. There are many more potential triggers, but it's the accumulation of those that brings the neuronal overload.

Henry
Posts: 499
Joined: Sat Dec 10, 2022 1:32 pm

Re: mush journal: 2024, week 10

Post by Henry »

mush wrote:
Thu Mar 07, 2024 8:41 am
I started playing video games again. I hadn't since I was 16 years old. I turned 22 this January.
I thought Jordan Peterson put an end to this nonsense.

delay
Posts: 182
Joined: Fri Dec 16, 2022 9:21 am
Location: Netherlands, EU

Re: mush journal: 2024, week 10

Post by delay »

mush wrote:
Thu Mar 07, 2024 8:41 am
My little brother was playing more and more video games and becoming more and more stupid.
...
No matter how enjoyable the work is, there seems to be no way I can do any activity for such a sustained and continuous period.
Thanks for your journal update! People play more and more computer games. What's the line between healthy amusement and addiction? From 2 to 4 hours a day seems okay, that's just replacing the time most people watch TV or browse social media. I wonder what good approaches there are to dealing with full time computer game family members. I want to help them, but they don't want to be helped.

If you know you only like short term work you can make a habit out of it? Companies are prepared to pay well when they have an immediate need. Some people I know work only when it's tourism season, and they earn enough to spend the rest of the year in Spain. You can use a temp agency as a stepping stone to make your own connections. The fewer in betweens the more you get paid.

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