Notebook of comandante

[comandante]

I spoke about - viewtopic.php?t=12717 - what I see as an important stage of my life. In not so many words, the client I’ve been working for three years didn’t renew the contract and my contract will end at the end of this month. In time, I hope this journal expresses my feelings and thoughts about that. In short, I like the idea of short sabbaticals to clear the mind from the false enthusiasms and hidden pressures of work, and I have experience with it. But we’ll see what happens.

What I’ve been reading
I’ve been reading The Code Breaker, by Walter Isaacson and I’m struggling. I didn’t expect it to be possible to make such an amazing subject dull by burying it beneath meaningless dramas and moralistic views. I’m skipping paragraphs when I see that no progress will be made in the central story of the book. Despite this book, it’s stunning how much can be done with CRISPR and how truly innovative was to combine two molecules of RNA to get a ‘Guide RNA’ (tracrRNA+crRNA), which then uses a protein/enzyme (Cas9) to cut the spots of DNA to be replaced. I get the impression that in 20 years we’ll look back and think of times pre-CRISPR as we now think of times pre-germ theory. Nothing else to write before I finish this book.

What I’ve been thinking about
As stated before, my job situation will definitely change at the end of this month. I’ve been thinking whether I should take some time off or keep going for a bit more. I know I don’t have the financial means to live off yet. I’m now at 9x yearly expenses[*]. I think in the last three to four years I’ve been transitioning from the salaryman mindset into the ‘there’s all this greenery outside of the cave’ mindset.
Without going into too many details yet, three to four years ago, I found it hard to socialize, was overweight, and was the angry man always saying that I didn’t want a job and only had one temporarily until I could get my freedom. This, I think, came across as me criticizing the people around me. I now see that I was choosing battles that I didn’t really want to fight, nor do I now see much benefit in fighting them.
The following years I learned to let go of many things I held as meaningful to me. Every time I let go of an idea of the world (“XXX can’t win, because people don’t vote for that”), a notion of me (“I will show them how smart and determined I am”), it was painful, but also a relief. I now feel myself much closer to who I am, less burdened by the heavy clothes I was given and was wearing as if I was them. I much more at peace with myself, in a strong relationship, with many good friends, and with a life outside of my job. But it’s a work in progress, or better stated it's a moving painting that I need to keep working on so it doesn’t turn into nothingness.
This leads me to what I’ve been thinking about. As I’ve been transitioning away from the salaryman life, should I take a sabbatical and then take up another job to get me closer to financial independence? Should I take a part-time? Should I keep going for now (ie stay at the agency where they’ll find me a job), as things are good and if the job starts to affect me then consider options? Should I again try to work for a meaningful NGO? I’ll keep pondering these. About the NGO, that is something that I see as less and less probable for me, as I think I got disillusioned after applying to plenty of NGOs and being rejected. That and the idea that a NGO job might be more of the same after all.
[*]I moved abroad three years ago into a country that is still more than double as expensive as my home country. Improvements are being made without effort into getting the money outflows down.

What I’ve been doing
This year has already been very productive for me. I’ve joined this carpentry workshop at the end of last year. After that I’ve made a spice rack for our kitchen, a monitor stand for my screen as I’d had enough of using books as a stand, and a desktop organizer. These three things I’ve made were out of plywood. I found this local shop where one can use the workbench for free. They have a superb selection of tools, and only rarely is the workbench busy. So these three things cost me the plywood and glue. Not too bad. Last Saturday a friend of SO saw the spice rack and said it looked good. And she didn’t even know it was made by me. That’s the carpentry work, which I see as done for now. Future projects are making a new desktop organizer that uses more advanced carpentry skills, and a headboard that SO asked for.
This year I’ve started a small garden. I’ve sowed chamomile, chives and tomato. I also rescued a mint plant that was going into the garbage. The chives and the mint are the starts of the garden so far. The tomato is a no-go. I’m not sure if the chamomile that is growing is indeed chamomile and not some grass. This has been very pleasing so far, and I hope to be able to harvest something in a few months. But small steps. Last year I only had one plant (arugula) and it ended up dying.
I’m also repairing a bicycle. I have this goal of repairing it to prove that I can do the advanced repairs. Then I want to sell it. Even if it is at a loss, which I imagine will be as I’ll the expensing the tools into it. I just want to work on something and sell it. I started this goal wanting to do it elegantly, but now I’ve accumulated some frustrations (bottom bracket removal I borrowed from a colleague didn’t work on my bike, because of course the bottom bracket is different) so I’m more willing to just buy tools and sell at a loss.

I tried uploading pictures using Flickr but then they wouldn't display on the body of text so I gave up.

[comandante]

These last two weeks have been eventful on the outside, occasionally draining on the inside.
What I’ve been reading
I’ve finished the Code Breaker. Pretty bad in ratio of ‘cool stuff’ to ‘pointless fluff’. Still, it made me think again that I should move closer to genetic engineering, as it seems like a cornerstone of the future. For now I can read into it. Not sure what the next step will be.
Then I started Noise by Kahneman. As I was perusing through its pages in the bookshop, it struck me when it explained how to methodically and mathematically reduce error. Looking forward to learn more about it.

What I’ve been thinking about
I’ve been going to some interviews. Some arranged by my agency, some by me. I haven’t found yet something good. There was one in which they liked me very much and I liked them, but would only be able to offer me a salary that’d be much less than what I earn now. It was shocking to me that they even offer me that. To play ball I proposed an increase in number of holidays and/or decrease number of hours, which the guy rejected. That inflexibility made me see it wasn’t a good job.
Another interview was one of those in which it’s clear for everyone after 15 minutes that it won’t happen. And yet, it dragged on for 2 hours. Sometimes I feel like I live unreal situations in which someone forgot to write the dialogues.
There are some jobs that I’d actually be interested in, and I apply to them, but no luck yet. One I’d like to get is in a NGO that promotes awareness and proposes ways to manage forests and agriculture land. Fingers crossed, although I’m not that hopeful.
I see three options for me in the near term:
1) I take another engineering job. I don’t want to move up to a managing role, because I’ve been there, done that. I’d take an executor engineering role, which for all its stupidity, is still better than the life-grabbing and irrelevant managing role. On the plus side, I’d be able to keep saving money to buy a house in fast mode. On the negative side, I wouldn’t learn much and it would require my determination to endure it.
2) I quit and start a sabbatical. I would have 1 year to figure out what’s next. Most probably (as happened to me last time), I’d start something after 4/5 months. Considering how my life is designed, I’d keep more or less doing what I already do. On the plus side, it’d be good for me and might unlock some mental stuff. On the negative side, I wouldn’t save for a house and it might strain the relationship with SO.
3) I take a job in a NGO that needs an analytical brain and that I see as worthwhile. This is where I’m putting my effort in. On the plus side, it would greatly help me escape the engineering track that I’m on; it would let me save albeit more slowly into a house; I’d enjoy the learning curve of a new field. On the negative side, the house would take longer to buy.

Me and SO have been talking about the future. It feels like a next step in our relationship. We are considering buying a house in her home country, instead of where we are. Perhaps in one year or two. The great advantage with that is that it is much cheaper there, while having major pluses in the quality of life. For us to buy a house here, I’d have to save while engineering for another 4 or 5 years. It’s that expensive. For a 400k house (not much cheaper to be found here), the buying costs alone would be almost 20k. My home country is not so much an option, as the climate and sea level rise projections aren’t kind for it.
We had a money talk, as I said here (viewtopic.php?p=271066#p271066). I thought the flow charts would help me explaining to SO where I am.
Money flows by comandante ante, auf Flickr

The idea is to buy a house, which will be managed by SO. Therefore she'll take a salary from it, and I'll get half of the bottom line. This is not yet the situation, and is more of an alignment of goals between us. I do not want to be a landlord, but she does.

What I’ve been doing
I had my theater performance, which was a success. We managed to fill the room and the show was well received. This was a show we had been preparing since the beginning of the year, and now that is over I can see how tiresome it had been to plan for it. I had been in other shows previously, and they weren’t this taxing. The difference this time is that I was actually involved in all the details (arrange for a theater room, discuss and lobby for some marketing choices, prepare the show, etc). Crossing the line from performer to performer/producer is significant.
The bicycle repair has been a failure. The bottom bracket simply doesn’t want to come out. I even bought the tool for it. Then it didn’t work, I mean the tool’s screw didn’t align with the crank’s screw. I even went to the bicycle repair shop. The guy there began by thinking I was a noob that didn’t know how to use a tool. I took it, and would be happy to entertain it if he managed to remove the bottom bracket. Alas, he couldn’t. It just got stuck and the screw must be worn off. I’m considering calling it quits and selling the bike for parts.
IMG_20230101_113416790 by comandante ante, auf Flickr
Bracket from hell

The sun has been elusive, and my plants aren’t growing that much. The tomatoes haven’t germinated yet. I need to accept that won’t happen. In about two or three weeks I expect to transplant the chamomile and chive to a new container.
IMG_20230314_105829148 by comandante ante, auf Flickr
Paulson's best work

IMG_20230326_154902925 by comandante ante, auf Flickr
The new gardening container ready for the transplant

[comandante]

My last post here was 30 days ago. I got a new job, which is above my current skills. The intent is for me to start in a lower role to learn on the job, with the idea of moving then up to a technical lead position.
Me and SO went through a bad moment, and we’re still working through it. The good thing about it is that the stress was enough for me to get out of myself and see more clearly where I was going and what was around me.

What I’ve been reading
I read Noise by Daniel Kahneman and there’s not much there after all. If you’ve read Thinking, Fast and Slow, this sequel is too repetitive. I think I picked up this book as a mistake. It was my brain’s stressed state in search of the pleasure of confirmation. Well, it happens sometimes.
Now I’m reading Jung’s Psychology types, which is on Project Gutenberg. I’m thoroughly enjoying reading the source about repressed functions. He talks about the internal conflict between the superior and the inferior function, and how this conflict is used by society. Society gets the fruits of the superior function, while conditioning the individual to suppress his ‘useless’ inferior function. Nothing groundbreaking. More of a ’right time, right book’.
I’m NiTeFiSe. Fi is something very difficult for me. I sometimes know that something is wrong, but if I can’t put it to words, I can’t move past that. Se’s attention to detail is very tiresome for me. I’m amazed at people who can do it.

What I’ve been thinking about
Although I’m still working out what was happening to me, I now think these last few months have been stressful for me. With the end of the contract with a client at the beginning of this month, I entered a routine of job interviews and repeating ad nauseum to whoever asked that I was more than ok, that I had more than enough for 6 months+ time out, but even that would be my choice because my employment contract with my agency is permanent. To repeat over and over that I was the one who wanted out of that client, that I’d like to work part-time (and not being able to find anything yet), and the several interviews that I chose to reject. These were tiresome things that made me turn inwards for comfort and for strength. Add to this that SO was having trouble at her job and me being unable to turn outwardly becomes a big problem.
Another way to see this is that I thought I was done with saving money and had begun living more outwardly. However, the perception that SO was having trouble in her job, and that I might have to stay in this country for longer, made me switch back to accumulation mode. This wasn’t, or isn’t, without internal conflict.
I don’t see these as accumulating when I’m there, but afterwards I realize that it clouds my thinking and I enter a state of reaction and of wanting to take back some control. This I call my spiral of optimization. My brain sees this as a problem to solve “new job needed, postpone life I wanted”, and optimizes costs to reduce the need for new job. The problem being that this spiral is a solitary behavior of mine, coming from what I think is my shadow. And the shadow is ok with excluding everyone around me to get to a goal. It takes some shaking for this behavior to lose dominance and for my stronger functions to explain that this a ‘cent-wise and euro-foolish’ exercise.
I’m now speaking of a shadow, because a friend of mine told me about the shadow’s personality type. It means that I as an INTJ have my shadow in ENTP. That unlocked lots of ground for me to understand where I was. Given that the shadow is my repressed, undeveloped traits, I reasoned that it would make use of ENTP’s weaknesses, and sure enough I see I’m there. Very argumentative, Insensitive, Intolerant, Can find it difficult to focus, Dislike practical matters. That led me to think that I’ve been repressing myself too much, and my subconscious is not on board with it. I sometimes have the most elegant plans, for the most beautiful ideas, not caring too much what urge or immediate want needs to be postponed or repressed.
As stated I’m still working out what was happening and so I’m trying hard not to solve this. What is obvious is that I need to find a better balance between medium-term goals and short-term concessions. There’s no gain in finishing the race if I’m miserable.
I can see that my relaxed developed self is much higher in WL than my stressed repressed shadow. Also that my stressed self doesn’t take care properly of my social capital.

What I’ve been doing
The plants keep growing, even though the weather has been lousy. If the weather gets better, I’d like to try planting some zucchini.
The bicycle repair was a failure. It’s time to accept defeat and move on. Remember that the idea was for me to sell the bike. My efforts to make some income outside of my job and of my investments have been a failure so far. I’ll keep pursuing it, because the idea seems so elegant in my head.

IMG_20230409_114340445 by comandante ante, auf Flickr
This month I went bouldering in Belgium. Cool spot in Izier. It's small, there's a small river close by, quiet location. The problems can be a bit dangerous, so I recommend not trusting yourself to cracked holds, and definitely bring a crashpad and a buddy. Bring food too, as the nearby village doesn't offer much.

IMG_20230417_153900246 by comandante ante, auf Flickr
Then there was a beach and salt in my skin. My mind relaxed and I saw more clearly the good position I’m in right now. And after all this mental effort, there’s no denying that ‘metaphysics is a consequence of being ill-disposed’, Fernando Pessoa.

Financial situation
Income robustness score – 1.2
It came down from 1.25 in March 11th, although my dividend income went up. This is in line with not trying to optimize too much.
Years saved – 9+

[candide]

I'm new to your journal. I like the style.

I agree that the book Noise did not live up to its billing.

[comandante]

This post is only for thoughts on Jung's Psychology Types.

Jung’s Psychological types is one of those masterpieces in which entire paragraphs are written in wonderful conciseness and elegance. It is my goal that by writing a review, it’ll help to solidify some ideas and to connect some personal experiences with the descriptions given by Jung.
First about the book’s structure. Jung takes the time to attentively and favorably make the case for the state of knowledge in Psychology types. It’s well worth the read, for the sheer breadth of authors and texts that he critiques. Only after this long study does Jung introduce his General Theory of Types.

Society takes the best (conscious) and conditions one to stifle the worst (unconscious)

Just as the enslavement of the mass was the open wound of the antique world, the enslavement of the inferior function is an ever-bleeding wound in the soul of man today. “One-sidedness in the exercise of his powers leads in the individual infallibly to error, but in the race to truth” (p. 29) says Schiller. The favouritism of the superior function is just as serviceable to society as it is prejudicial to the individuality. This prejudicial effect has reached such a pitch that the great organizations of our present day civilization actually strive for the complete disintegration of the individual, since their very existence depends upon a mechanical application of the preferred individual functions of men. Page 94

Too much abstraction

A further result of the abstracting, conscious attitude, and one whose significance will become more apparent in the further course of our investigation, is that the unconscious develops a compensating attitude. For the more the relation to the object is restricted by the abstraction of consciousness (because too many experiences and laws are made), all the more insistently does a craving for the object develop in the unconscious. This finally declares itself in consciousness as a compulsive sensuous hold upon the object. Page 119

This introversion simply means that the libido is held with the Self and is prevented from participation in the conflicting opposites. Since the outward way is barred to it, it turns naturally towards thought, whereby it is again in danger of becoming entangled in the conflict.
The act of differentiation and introversion involves the detachment of disposable libido, not merely from the outer object alone but also from the inner object, namely ideas. It becomes wholly objectless; it is no longer related to anything that could be a conscious content, it therefore sinks into the unconscious, where it automatically takes possession of the waiting phantasy material, which it activates and urges towards consciousness. Page 145

Unconscious is seen in the object

Psychologically, demons are interferences from the unconscious, i.e. spontaneous irruptions into the continuity of the conscious process on the part of unconscious complexes. Complexes are comparable to demons which fitfully harass our thoughts and actions, hence antiquity and the Middle Ages conceived acute neurotic disturbances as possession. When, therefore, the individual stands consistently upon one side, the unconscious ranges itself squarely upon the other, and rebels. Page 138

It is familiar that the unconscious, when not realized, is ever at work casting a false glamour over everything: it appears to us always upon objects, because everything unconscious is projected. Hence, when we are able to understand the unconscious as such, we strip away the false appearance from objects, and this can only promote truth. Page 163

Conscious cannot mediate a conflict

The will, in any case, is determined more from this side or from that, just so long as it is dependent for its content upon one side or the other. But, to be really able to decide the matter, it must be grounded on a mediate state or process, which shall give it a content that is neither too near nor too remote from either side. […] It would, therefore, be unavailing to appeal to consciousness for a decision of the conflict between the instincts. A conscious decree would be quite arbitrary, and could never give the will that symbolic content which alone can create an irrational settlement of a logical antithesis. Page 141-142

The unconscious, therefore, might be that neutral region of the psyche where everything that is divided and antagonistic in consciousness flows together into groupings and formations. These, when examined in the light of consciousness, reveal a nature that exhibits the constituents of the one side as much as the other; they nevertheless belong to neither side, but occupy an independent middle station. This mediate position, constitutes for consciousness both their value and their worthlessness; worthless in so far as nothing clearly distinguishable emerges instantaneously from their formation, thus leaving consciousness embarrassed as to its purpose; but valuable in so far as their undifferentiated state gives them that symbolic character which is essential to the content of a mediatory will. Page 143-144

Thoughts
Reading Jung was like going into a side room where I could see myself through a window. To see what was in front of me and I couldn’t see. To see what the unconscious was saying through objects. Was I really annoyed that some food went to waste, or was this the unconscious overreacting, because it is bothered by new and stricter constraints? I think it’s more the second, because I now don’t care that much about the food that went to waste.
In Jungian terms, the conscious can be the tyrant that knows it all, represses it all. What doesn’t fit the plan or the designed persona, is repressed into oblivion. But in fact, it doesn’t disappear. The unwanted behavior or thought, finds its way to a disorganized unconscious, where all the other repressed complexes are. This is the ongoing conflict in one’s psychic: the wanted traits through which will directs its power, and the unwanted traits that remain silent until erupting. Here Jung has a great lesson. One cannot mediate this conflict consciously. After all, conscious is in this conflict and is the tyrant repressing the unconscious urges and desires. Every attempt to attenuate and control these eruptions will be rejected by the unconscious, for they are incapable of accepting and understanding. However, there’s a middle ground, a neutral field where neither conscious nor unconscious have a disproportionate influence. That’s where mediation can take place. That’s also where Art speaks to us.
I take from this book that the most difficult challenge is not in identifying the unwanted behaviors and thoughts, but in carefully letting go of repressions, so that a more integrated Self can develop itself. It is the job of the conscious to be that through which the will acts. However, this can become problematic if the will exaggerates the role of the Ego. When the Ego occupies the space of the Self, a nefarious encroachment on the unconscious takes place, and a necessary revolt happens. One should care not to give too much power to the Ego, which is the natural opposite of the Shadow. To integrate the two in order to develop the Self is the goal.
In my personal case, I see that in these past months my Self has been confronted by disturbing realities. These I can now read as causes for compensation. For example, leaving the 3 year job caused a need to reassure my Ego against the outside claims of worry and duty. For this the Self mounted a solid defense in a life plan to show to the outside (with repetitive dialogues) and also inside (with a heaping up of projections and ‘worst case scenario’ thoughts). This was an abstraction led too far, and a consequential closing of a link to the outside through the object. A compensation occurred when this meant brusque reactions and harsh words, that I can now see were coming from a hurt Ego, and an unaccounted for unconscious. And yet I see now that there was no real need to do it. No one was pushing me against a wall to ‘make up my mind’ about my life. These came in fact from an undifferentiated tertiary function (Fi), that is prone to read negativity in feelings, when stress calls for its help. To develop this inferior function would be of great help in the development of my Self.
Another path for development lies in being aware of over-abstraction, which leads to a caging of the libido in oneself where it causes problems. The way out is in the object, where this excess libido can release itself.
This text is written only 2 days after finishing the book. I know I’ll keep digesting this book for a long time. For example, how the collective unconscious conditions one’s instinctive reactions to problems and how not to fully attach the Self to it. How Christianity depreciates de value of Woman through symbols of the Virgin and Woman as a vessel. This blocks libido from being channeled to the Woman, and instead is taken into the worship of a symbol. To symbolize and subjectify is not bad in itself. In fact, it’s through these mechanisms that one is capable of gaining a relative freedom from the object.

[comandante]

Well, a lot has happened since my last entry here.
As I see it now, my life a year ago had an unstable foundation. I could feel that something was shaking, ever so slightly, and that slowly became a focus of my thinking. After a lot of trying, me and SO broke up and I moved out 2 weeks after. It was one of most painful events in my life. The shaking stopped.
It’s been 2 and half months since that relationship ended. I think I took it like a divorce, although we weren’t married. But we lived together for a little over a year, and we talked about our future. And now, like a Jenga tower in peril, I’m choosing to stand back, see where that relationship was in the tower, and what else can and should fall either by indifference or by actively taking it out. As I look at this tower of mine, I feel nostalgic and powerless. I also see that that tower had been bending too far away from me, for me to recognize myself in it. Damn…
A month or so after, I asked my employer what I could expect from the work, as they’ve not been able to win any projects for my expertise and I’m now working in another area. I didn’t like what the guy said, ‘it can take 2 or 10 months, and if you don’t like the work you’re being given, that’s a different conversation’. That made it simple for me. There’s a high likelihood that I’ll quit this job in the next few weeks. The last time I was about to resign was at the end of 2019. I was gonna travel the world in 2020 and figure out what I wanted. That didn’t work out well. I remember how miserable I was back then. I’m very proud that I quit the job anyway, despite not having enough capital (my WR was >20%) and being very socially immature.
As I told a friend yesterday, there’s a lot in flux in my life. My past laborious self has given me this breathing room to take it easy, and not jump into another job. It’s hard for me not to have a plan, a future to work towards. I figured the best way for me to go about it would be to peel off layers in my life. Keep taking things apart, to get as close as possible to my unconditioned self. Then I start doing the things I know I want to. One by one, piece by piece.
I know I want theater in my life. Surprisingly, I’m into bouldering again. This activity kept me sane during the covid lockdowns and was a big part of my life for 2+ years. Then it stopped giving me the peace of mind that it used to. I know I want to write more. I know I want to manage some investments in my portfolio. I know I want to be in my home country, at least for now. I know I want to hang out with people I consider genuine. I know that. It’s more than I knew 2 months ago.
Speaking of investments, my WR has been bouncy. That’s due to my expenses being much more varied since I moved out, and my top investment having gone up around 15% in the last month. This investment is a story in itself. Operationally that business is growing 30%+, buying back shares, a lot of room to grow, and yet the market will not pay more than 7 times its earnings. Maybe I’m completely wrong about it. But I sleep well.
Last summer in the dutch meetup, I said I didn’t think ERE should develop ERE2. It seemed like ERE2 was a way to find meaning after jobs, and that, I said, was for each one to figure for himself. I still think that ERE1 is a great fulcrum to swivel out of selling one’s time. And I still think that the stage after is where one gets to fully test himself. What I’m less confident about is that ERE people can have a truly deep relationship with non-ERE people. Maybe that's what ERE2 is for me: how to connect with career/indebted people?

[DutchGirl]

Hi comandante... I'm sorry to hear about your breakup, at the Dutch meetup she seemed like a nice lady. But it is true, no matter how nice people are, sometimes they don't belong together, which often is a very sad thing to discover. If you can, send her my regards and best wishes.

You also get my best wishes for your continued journey. If I look around at people my age (45-ish), then there are a lot of people who still can't handle themselves and their emotions well enough to prosper. (And yeah, let me look in the mirror too... but I'm learning...). And there are loads of people who can't handle insecurity and flux that well, either. If you can find out more and more who you are and what things you want to do in life, and what things (and people) you want present in your life, then that's awesome. And you've already saved up so much that it allows you a lot of freedom and flexibility, which also helps a lot.

Good luck and keep us posted

[comandante]

Hey DutchGirl. Thanks for the kind words. Indeed, to love and to be compatible is not the same thing, not even immutable. A friend of mine was telling me about this idea of couples checking every two years how different their partner was now. And then deciding together whether or not they still wanted the relationship. We grow. Sometimes apart.

but I'm learning...

Yah, that's the thing. It's forever learning, reassessing, adjusting.

And there are loads of people who can't handle insecurity and flux that well, either.

Right on! I, like always, am extremely conscious of other people's insecurities interfering with my own, which are many. I'm insecure about a lot, but not really about not having a job. For example, I feel insecure about whether or not I'll be able to join the theater scene in my home country, like I did in NL.

And because now I mention theater, I remember Scaramouche by Sabatini, one of my favorite books. I've re-read it recently. Some quotes:

He was suffering from the loss of an illusion.

They were, thought Andre-Louis, as he sat down to breakfast with them behind the itinerant house, in the bright sunshine that tempered the cold breath of that November morning, an odd and yet an attractive crew. An air of gaiety pervaded them. They affected to have no cares, and made merry over the trials and tribulations of their nomadic life. They were curiously, yet amiably, artificial; histrionic in their manner of discharging the most commonplace of functions; exaggerated in their gestures; stilted and affected in their speech. They seemed, indeed, to belong to a world apart, a world of unreality which became real only on the planks of their stage, in the glare of their footlights. Good-fellowship bound them one to another; and Andre-Louis reflected cynically that this harmony amongst them might be the cause of their apparent unreality. In the real world, greedy striving and the emulation of acquisitiveness preclude such amity as was present here.

Still was he not concerned. He perceived the source of her ill-humour; understood, whilst deploring it; and, because he understood, forgave.

“But where will you go? What will you do?”
“Oh, something. Consider that in four years I have been lawyer, politician, swordsman, and buffoon—especially the latter. There is always a place in the world for Scaramouche. Besides, do you know that unlike Scaramouche I have been oddly provident? I am the owner of a little farm in Saxony. I think that agriculture might suit me. It is a meditative occupation; and when all is said, I am not a man of action. I haven’t the qualities for the part.”
She looked up into his face, and there was a wistful smile in her deep blue eyes.
“Is there any part for which you have not the qualities, I wonder?”
“Do you really? Yet you cannot say that I have made a success of any of those which I have played. I have always ended by running away. I am running away now from a thriving fencing-academy, which is likely to become the property of Le Duc. That comes of having gone into politics, from which I am also running away. It is the one thing in which I really excel. That, too, is an attribute of Scaramouche.”

[comandante]

This week I’ll talk to my employer about leaving this job. I’ve been postponing this action for some time. Too long, perhaps. I think I stayed at this job because it was comfortable, and it didn’t push itself into my life. There was also this reasoning of being in a well-paying job to build a future with the relationship. It offered optionality. Now I think it’s holding me down. On the one hand, it’s good money, it doesn’t require my full attention, and allows me to keep one foot in NL where I have friends, while the other is in my HC where I wish to build a life. On the other hand, it does require me to enter a new rental with a minimum of one year; not give my all to build a life in my HC; the job’s tasks are menial and I feel like I need to step down mentally to address them, like it’s a joke and everyone’s in on it; even if I stay in NL now, I’ll leave in one year, because that’s when my fiscal benefits ends. Logically it makes sense to pull the plug asap, so I can start building my life where I want it. And yet, I get the discomfort of letting go of what I have now in NL for the potential of my HC.
The way I see it, I never wanted to be in NL forever. I was supposed to be in NL only for maybe 6 months. It was an amazing experience, for which I am very grateful. I met so many great people, I lived lives and I did everything. Looking back to when I first arrived in NL, I couldn’t have imagined all that happened, all the ways I would surprise myself. It’s been a marvelous dutch adventure.
Nonetheless, I can see that it’s over, it was a chapter in my life. I get this feeling that I overstayed. My friend said that’s fine. It was the “epilogue of your first novel”. I loved that wording.
My investment business is designed in a way that it doesn’t take much time to keep going. I imagine many forumites have that too. Therefore I like the routine of tending for it in the early morning, then training, then taking care of other personal tasks. In the afternoon I don’t like to still be at a desk. It’s strange for me to do in the afternoon what I’ve done in the morning. In the afternoon I want to go for a walk, do something creative or be with people. In the early evening I also see myself hanging out with friends. Hopefully I’ll make that happen in my HC. In NL, I see that my friends are busy with their jobs, their relationships, their first houses. It’s bad when I’m actively going towards having more time, while my friends have less time.
I’m pretty sure NL is over for me, but I’m still afraid that I won’t make it work in HC. My friend said she was sad to see me going away, but on the other hand she was happy for me. “I think one needs to be brave to go back to their home country”. Yeah, I get that.
Moving back to HC I’ll live off my investment business. I have a 4-5% WR there. But I don’t see myself doing that for long. I’m seeing it more like a sabbatical, after which I see myself either starting another business (one very customized to suit me, so no idea what yet) or taking another job (maybe a different one than the ones I’ve had so far). Never once have I had to think that I needed to stay where I am, because I have some payments due.
Another way of saying what I’m experiencing: I’ve been preparing myself to leave the cave for many years. For a while I thought I’d leave it with another person, but that didn’t work. Now I can either let myself stay in the cave, where I have friends, a job, even this theater life, or I leave it.
After having written this in one go, I was thinking of why did I write it here. I want to document it, so I can look back and see where I was. I also want to add my experience to this forum, as I’m reading several journals and never think that I can add much there, other than ‘hey, I read this’.

[DutchGirl]

It for sure is a transition period. It comes with insecurity. It's nice that you have a very nice buffer of money to help you make that jump. Plus all your other buffers of talents, experiences, diplomas, knowledge, relationships, etc.

As a Dutch person, I'm sad to see you go. I'm sure you were a net positive to our country.
But... but... you will visit, right?

And yes, it does sound like for you your future is waiting in your home country. Hopefully it will bring a lot of wonderful things. I'd say the odds are pretty good.

So: sad to see you go, but glad that you'll start a new chapter in your life. Good luck!

[okumurahata]

@comandante, I just wanted to say that I reread your last post several times. It somehow resonated with me after a big argument with my girlfriend last night (following the monthly update when I wrote that I was content with the previous month). I’ll follow with great interest the next chapter of your life; good books have unexpected twists.

[rube]

Just a quick.note to say: good luck, whatever you'll do. Hopefully you'll keep us updated. If you don't go back immediately to your HC, maybe we can still see you at a meetup?
Again, good luck with the next chapter(s) of life.

[comandante]

I’m glad to say that I really did it. I had a conversation with HR, where I said I wanted to go back to HC. The conversation was very pleasant. She seemed sincerely happy for me, that I’d reached this decision. I hold no bad feelings towards this company. It was the best one I’ve ever worked for. “It took me some time to accept that I was gonna leave a place where I’ve been so happy. But now I see that it’s ok. Those things really happened whether I’m here or in HC”, I said. “That’s really mature”, she replied. “Well, I am much older than I seem. Anyway, I took many pictures too”.
This week has been one to remember. I’ve been meeting friends in NL and telling about my decision. All say the same: “sad that you leave, but happy for you”. One of them has already booked a flight to come visit me. Pretty cool.

Plus all your other buffers of talents, experiences, diplomas, knowledge, relationships, etc.

Oh I liked this! Indeed, when I feel down, I focus on my NW. When I’m feeling alright I don’t think about money at all, and instead think of what I want to do, with whom, and in what way. My main focus in HC is to build my social capital to a decent level. Here in NL it was pretty good at its maximum, although it got eroded to a pretty ok level. Hopefully I’ll be able to build that capital by the end of the year.

you will visit, right?

Yap, that’s the idea. EHV will always be a very special place for me. I’ll probably avoid it in the winter though.

It somehow resonated with me after a big argument with my girlfriend last night

Oh, I’m sorry about that. I hope you guys figured that out. It’s like they say, if there are arguments, it means people still care.

good books have unexpected twists

Ahah, a fellow reader of adventure books

If you don't go back immediately to your HC, maybe we can still see you at a meetup?

Yah, I'd like that. I don’t know when the next one in NL will be. I know my last day at this company will be at the end of May. Then in June I’ll come for a friend’s wedding.

And now, from sunny Eindhoven, a very good weekend to everyone!

[comandante]

Day 1 (10/04) - Today I woke up for the first time in HC after having quit the job in NL. I did some things on my computer and checked my work computer for meetings or unblocked tasks. I noticed myself being restless, as if there was some idea inside me wanting to be acknowledged. Something I hadn’t thought about, or something I hadn’t properly weighed. I suspected it might be some fear about my financial security, so I went back to check the scenarios.
Worst case scenario, I spend all my buffer, investments down, my spending goes up about 50% from what I estimate, and I don’t make any money: then in 1 and a half years my buffer would reach zero. I felt better seeing this. I mean, this is the buffer I’m talking about, not even the investments. And I’m only considering withdrawing dividends, not capital (some of my investments don’t even pay dividends). And I see myself making money. To which my mind replied that that was indeed better, but what was I going to do to make money? And what if I want a kid right now? Do I have the money for that? I don’t have an answer for those, so I just acknowledged those concerns. We’ll see what happens.
I definitely feel some anxiety about this phase of my life, and I think that leads to seeking the security of numbers. I hope that eases once I feel back on track with the social capital, and my mind switches from scarcity to abundance.

Day 5 (15/04) – I am spending too much time browsing online aimlessly. I don’t expect this to last much longer. For now, I just notice it. Went on an outdoor climbing afternoon yesterday. It was quite cool to be there, sun above, sea waves crashing behind, an unforgiving wall in front and below two guys I had never met before and who I was now trusting my bones to. The instructor explained the figure 8 knot, and after a while I still hadn’t grasped it. I guess I’m not that good with knots, which is a shame, because they’re very useful. I’ll put it on my list of things to learn.
As I was there, belaying, and shouting advice and encouragement, I thought about whether or not I should pursue this activity towards monetization. I could enroll in one of the summer courses the school provides where they explain belaying, tell the good spots to climb and to know and to be known. But then, I think about the fact that bouldering is probably a fad and it’s likely already fading. On a more personal note, this friend of mine says I’m a… hard to translate… faddy (?), as in I enter all the fads. It made me laugh and it still does, because indeed I’ve been known to try everything at least once, and some of those things happen to find me when they’re popular. I don’t see that as bad, although I know she said it to mock me. It’s more related to me trying a lot of stuff, than me only trying fads. Going back to pursuing this climbing monetization, there’s the selling side, that I don’t like. And there’s the responsibility for other people’s safety, which alarms me. Ah… I’ll put that on the list of things to ponder about.
There was an improv class+show last Thursday and I was very excited to join. I thought it would be a cool way to enter the theater scene. It got postponed to this week. So far, theater has been difficult in HC. There are however some leads and I have the mindset that it is a long-term project.
Today I began clearing my family’s garage. The spiders weren’t that happy about it. Then I worked on my bike, because yesterday it got a flat tire. Funny story, after climbing, me and the other climbing guy cycled to the train station. There we were told there were no more trains, because of some malfunction and we were advised to cycle to another station that was 12km away. The problem was that it was getting dark soon, and the cycle path was mostly absent. That meant: light up the only light I have on my backpack and pedal fast to minimize cycling at night among cars. I’m pretty sure the flat happened when I went over a curb too fast. Also because I knew the tires weren’t optimally inflated. Well, in the end it worked fine. This bike is about 12 years old and still dependable.

Day 6 (16/04) – I have this high school friend who doesn’t have a job and is solely relying on NFTs. When we were teenagers in school, we would riff jokes and wit off each other. Yesterday he told me he was going to buy an apartment with his girlfriend. It was great to see him take this step, although he sounded a bit off about it. “The question is why didn’t I buy an apartment 2 years ago, when my portfolio was much higher”. For the first time in years, he talked about getting a job, in case his portfolio doesn’t go back up. “Your worst case scenario is simply living more normally”, I said. He shrugged his shoulders, smiled and nodded.
I think there’s something poetic about people like this friend of mine. He doesn’t have a job since 2019, and he’s now living with his parents for over a year. He talks about weed, about herd mentality in NFTs, about Jung, about creativity through programming of games, about his mistakes as a boyfriend in a previous relationship, and one can see that he’s actively experiencing life, in his own words.