Dakotan's journal

[Dakotan]

I don't want to spend my “one wild and precious life” as someone's employee, so I've been taking steps toward freedom for a few years now.

In most respects I live a frugal life: cook from scratch, line dry my clothes, save most of my income, and so on. I'm not a miser though; I have several cats whose monthly food budget usually exceeds my own. Cats are objectively useless on a spreadsheet (but I love them). I don't feel deprived, and I'm not on a “budget” –- my spreadsheets are for tracking only, so I know exactly how much I need to live comfortably. And I am comfortable. My only real complaint is that I would prefer to live under my own direction, and I'm working toward that.

I think I'm doing OK in general. But I want more. I feel stalled, like I've been lacking perspective or motivation to grow further, or even to see what options exist. I have no real-life community in this respect. I don't know what I don't know. It's been a long, long time since I made a major decision or change in my life -- I've been at my current job nearly 10 years; it's been 14 years since I bought my little house and almost 7 since I paid off the mortgage. I don't know if I'm afraid of change or if I'm just patient. At the very least, my life will change substantially if/when I leave my job in the next few years, and I want to be clear-headed about how I handle that. The decisions I make at that point will be crucial.

I'm an introvert and I have an on/off relationship with humanity. To be frank, I don't think I've ever been an active long-term member of a forum before. I'm a lurker at my core. But my goal is to update this journal regularly as part of a focus on identifying and making changes to my life.

Oh, and because most everyone here seems to do it, ISFJ.

Change #1: begin this journal.

[Dream of Freedom]

So, are you north Dakotan or south Dakotan or has it changed over the years? Just curious.

[OutOfTheBlue]

Thanks for your journal. Will be happy to follow along.

I like to see someone who grew up homeschooled even though I understand it wasn't ideal in some respects.

It seems to have made you more independent and shielded you from social pressure/expectations or blindly reproducing outside patterns. You do your thing, like a cat.

When I speak to people about homeschooling/unschooling, their usual objection is about the perceived lack of sociabilization. I don't think this is true, but I see it can be a valid concern. You had many siblings, so that might have helped as well. Do you feel it has somehow contributed to your being somewhat removed and having an "on/off relationship with humanity"? Are you happy with how you are in this regard or you feel there is a woundedness towards others? I'd be interested on your take on this.

About change, is there anything you'd like to tackle internally, not necessarily related to external circumstances? Do you feel any resistance to change or that the "lack of change" is meant to protect you from something?

Hope my questions are not intrusive, feel free to skip.

Also: What poetry would you recommend?

[Dakotan]

So, are you north Dakotan or south Dakotan

South Dakotan! I have no plans to switch Dakotas; if I do go further north it will be all the way to Canada.

[Dakotan]

Hope my questions are not intrusive, feel free to skip.

Hi! Thanks for your interest. I'm happy to answer homeschooling questions.

Homeschooling is all about the execution. In my case, any lack of socialization was more due to the church/community my family was part of, than strictly a result of the homeschooling. One of my siblings chose to homeschool her own children, and they are well-rounded and doing sports/theatre etc.

I certainly had no lack of other kids to play with, and our days were almost entirely self-directed. We wrote tiny newspapers for our dolls and made up songs and climbed trees and built snow forts. Don't get me wrong, it was not an idyll -– more like Lord of the Flies sometimes. But I do think that background made me very independent and not just preferring but feeling like I have the right to choose how my time is spent. I feel like an alien most times and I'm comfortable with that.

Whether the change I'm seeking should be internal or external, I think the two will be linked! At this point I am not clear enough on the issue to figure out where the resistance lies. This will take more thought.

And finally, poetry recommendations: poetry is so personal it's hard to know what another person would like. I guess most recently I've been reading Jericho Brown and Jane Kenyon. What do you want from a poem?

[Dakotan]

February wrap-up with bonus screenshot from the dashboard of my master financial spreadsheet (assuming I have the image-posting code here correct).



Of the available categories, I spent money on food, other groceries, utilities, cat needs, donations, eating out ($6 popcorn at a fundraiser), misc. (annual PO box fee), and 1/2 tank gas: typical expenses. Half my grocery spending was fancy chocolate. Saved 71.88% of takehome. I don't know that I did anything exciting in February; just hibernated and waited it out. Two days were nice enough to hang the laundry outside to dry.

There has been some upheaval in management at my office. I like my job, relatively speaking because I have been absolutely miserable other places, but a tolerable job can become unbearable without warning and that is out of my control. Event at its best, a job is a black hole in the center of my day that sucks in time and energy. I don't mind my actual duties, although I would not do this for free (not sure how specific I want to get, but it involves lots of reading, summarizing thousands of pages, and preparing documents). It's the accessory office environment/corporate content that is trending downhill.

I'm not actively looking for another job. For now, everything in my life is status quo.

March plans: I start my garden from seed indoors in mid to late March – tomatoes, peppers, herbs, etc. Toilet paper tubes make acceptable seed starter pots so that's what I use. It's still winter; we had highs below 0F (-18C) a couple days last week. I'm going to a punk rock show tomorrow. And March 15 is the anniversary of W.S. Merwin's death, which is a fine poem if you're not familiar with it yet.

The cat on my lap is purring so hard. Time to attend to other things.

[Dakotan]

As mentioned, I planned to go to a show last night, and I did. It was the type of punk show that you see advertised on a flyer taped to the window of a record store: four bands you've never heard of.

The first group that played was fascinating. They were from one state away, just two regular guys, a guitarist and a drummer, extremely loud rock music. And they were so energetic, playing their hearts out sweating under the spotlight before the sparse crowd that was slowly filtering in. Nobody was there to see them specifically. Before the last song, the lead singer said that he was a writer and had books for sale. I was overwhelmed with the feeling that his guy was just throwing art out into the world uncontrollably; creation was bubbling up in him and he opened up every way he could, without hesitation. He seemed driven. He wasn't waiting for anything.

There is a line from a poem by Jericho Brown that has stuck with me for years: “Everybody / Rising just to find a way toward rest again.”

One of the reasons I plan to retire early is to focus on reading and writing. I need to have the time, energy, and guts to put myself out there. I spend all day at work reading/writing other people's stuff and by the time I get home I have no words left, I'm just looking for rest.

At the merch table I flipped through the singer's books. His writing was self-published: a couple slim books of poetry and a pocket-sized book with one short story. Of course the writing was raw and heartfelt. It wasn't polished, but that wasn't the point. I bought one volume of poetry and the short story; other people did too; he'll have enough gas money to get back home. Later on I'll email him and tell him what I liked about his writing.

[OutOfTheBlue]

Will some delay, thank you for responding and for offering thoughts on your homeschooling experience.

It's true poetry tastes are personal. In asking about your recommendations, I was just seeking to know what resonates with you, so that I can at some point discover if it may resonate with me as well! Much appreciated.