Optimizing sex

How to pass, fit in, eventually set an example, and ultimately lead the way.
suomalainen
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Re: Optimizing sex

Post by suomalainen »

jacob wrote:
Sat Aug 13, 2022 8:49 am
while Kegan3 would think of England
:lol: :lol: :lol:

7Wannabe5
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Re: Optimizing sex

Post by 7Wannabe5 »

Level 6:

You steal exactly one sock and two buttons from each of your lovers at the assisted care facility, craft them into puppets representing your/their/our identities, and then get your great-niece to help you edit your show for TikTok.

AnalyticalEngine
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Re: Optimizing sex

Post by AnalyticalEngine »

This thread is interesting because it seems to highlight the SF vs NT function dominance difference. The feminine vs masculine thing seems to be SF dominance vs NT dominance. SF is going to be how the act feels emotionally or physically in the moment; NT is going to be asking how or why before it even happens. I think being dominant in one function makes it harder to grok how people dominant in other functions approach problems.

M
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Joined: Wed Sep 29, 2010 7:34 pm

Re: Optimizing sex

Post by M »

@7Wannebe5 - hahaha that is awesome.

I will make one final comment before departing from this thread, since Jacob has nicely outlined the theoretical framework to optimize sex that OP was looking for.

When I was a boy I needed glasses. I had no idea. The world looked fine to me. After I had glasses though the world looked amazingly fresh. I spent hours just looking at different things.

Amazing, mind blowing sex is kind of like this. Someone can spend their whole life married to someone and have perfectly fine sex. They may think it is good sex even. I have been with other girls and had good sex - great sex even. But I never had mind blowingly amazing hours long sweaty sex sessions ending in simultaneous orgasms while melting into each other sort of sex until I got with the girl who is my wife now. I had no idea this was even an option in life.

Sex is a drug with an element of hedonic adaptation. Once you experience amazing mind blowing sex with someone you may never want to go back to having sex with someone else. Sex is dangerous in this way. For example, if I would have married one of my previous girlfriends and then had mind blowing sex with my current wife I would have 100% gotten a divorce to marry my current wife. No questions asked. Is this wrong? Yes. But amazing sex is a drug that is hard to let go of.

At a certain intensity level sex becomes a drug. I wanted to repeat that on purpose...this is a drug where you get used to a certain level of intensity then can't go back. There is even a sexaholics anonymous for people suffering from sex addiction. While getting with the hottest girl in school (to me) seemed like a dream come true to my teenage self my thirty something year old self is like - you know - mind blowing sex is a drug that has negative consequences at a certain level of intensity. It is draining and robs you of your peace of mind. Regular good sex would have been fine.

Scott 2
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Re: Optimizing sex

Post by Scott 2 »

Come as you are is worthwhile:

https://www.amazon.com/Come-You-Are-Sur ... 08CPVQT5M/

The author provides a few frameworks to contextualize the mental side. Ignoring that, the discussion of anatomy is current and concise. It connects well to the why of one's lived experience.

As with all of Nagoski's work, there's a healthy dose of "blame the patriarchy" accompanying the topical message. That could make or break the book for some.

suomalainen
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Joined: Sat Oct 18, 2014 12:49 pm

Re: Optimizing sex

Post by suomalainen »

M wrote:
Sun Aug 14, 2022 9:21 am
mind blowing sex is a drug that has negative consequences at a certain level of intensity. It is draining and robs you of your peace of mind.
Please to explain?

7Wannabe5
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Re: Optimizing sex

Post by 7Wannabe5 »

Analytical Engine wrote:The feminine vs masculine thing seems to be SF dominance vs NT dominance.
You might be right. I'm a female Nt, I can easily vibe into F myself, but my N is like 98%, so I like it when men do stuff like pretend to drop me off the side of the bed to bring my S into the moment.

@M: Yeah, my second "marriage" was an extended journey into the briarpatch ravine of the deep erotic like that. It was like I was in withdrawal for a while after we broke up due to impossible to live with otherwise. So, I did purposefully set up a permaculture system of 3 polyamours to kind of get the same flow with more resilience and diversity in the system. I'm too sick to be very sexual at this juncture, but I'm still "harvesting" from the dregs of my poly-system 7 years later with zero effort on my part. Older men are relatively more influenced by vasopressin than testosterone, so it's easy to establish yourself as one of their circle (even if you are openly a member of other circles), and then they'll keep coming around periodically and doing stuff like buying you some new tires for your car and/or trying to get you to have an interest in video sex.

M
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Joined: Wed Sep 29, 2010 7:34 pm

Re: Optimizing sex

Post by M »

suomalainen wrote:
Sun Aug 14, 2022 10:30 am
Please to explain?
At a certain level of orgasmic intensity it messes with your general mood and energy levels on a day to day basis. It's hard to explain but, it is like you have a battery. In a normal situation you charge this battery up with sexual desire and eventually have sex and then climax, then the battery refills. With mind blowing sex you spend hours charging this battery up to way overcapacity with a huge amount of sexual desire then have a massive orgasm. This same 'battery' that is used to fill up with sexual energy is also used in your general mood and happiness. If you have quick sex or normal sex you don't really notice it...but as you get older especially and keep filling that battery up to overcapacity and having massive orgasms with your partner you may notice your general mood and ability to experience joy in everyday life might be dimished for the next several hours or day. My wife has experienced the same thing, since we tend to orgasm together.

It may also interfere with your peace of mind. There is a certain level of tranquility and happines that can be derived from a calm mind. The Buddhist monks have really perfected this. Not to be too graphic, but when I was younger I had a constant erection around her. Every time I saw her or talked to her or thought about her or even talked to her on the phone I had an erection the whole time. It was annoying and hard to focus in class. I had to always wear long t shirts to hide it.

When we first moved in together we had trouble sleeping together because we slept together naked and would constantly have sex with each other. We both had absurdly high sex drives and there was just too much sexual arousal between the two of us to sleep well. The constant sexual arousal robs you of your peace of mind.

Then there is also the problem of becoming obsessed with sex such that you constantly want it and constantly have sex such that it interferes with your day to day life or brings you harm. There are women in my family who constantly crave having sex with new guys all the time, and this has not worked out well for them. And there are males in my family who have gotten a fair number of really bad stds by picking up random girls at the club...

If you don't focus so much on sex in life you don't have any of these problems.

AnalyticalEngine
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Re: Optimizing sex

Post by AnalyticalEngine »

@7W5 - This makes me think that if one has dominant N, they might enjoy more sexual activities that involve N (ie roleplay, fantasy, etc) vs using S alone. Perhaps this is another axis in which to consider one's preferences.

M
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Re: Optimizing sex

Post by M »

@7wannabe5

That sounds like it would be a challenging breakup. I couldn't imagine. I would probably spend years in withdrawal.

It sounds like you have done pretty well though afterwards, with the polyamory.

suomalainen
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Re: Optimizing sex

Post by suomalainen »

@M Well, that makes it sound like you think the thing that causes negative consequences, can be draining and can rob peace of mind is a high sex drive rather than intense orgasms. I've had a long-term relationship with 1-3x per week of "normal sex" and a long-term relationship with 1-3x per day of "mind-blowing sex", and I can tell you that an unsatisfied high sex drive is way more annoying and disruptive than a wholly-satisfied high sex drive. So, I guess I'd then disagree with your statement that "regular good sex would have been just fine." I wish I'd found my current relationship much, much sooner than I did. But yes, I suppose I do also think that my life would be more calm or whatever if I didn't have such a high drive, but since there's nothing I can do (or would want to do) about that, I feel very lucky to be with a partner where we can have fun and connection both in and out of bed.

M
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Re: Optimizing sex

Post by M »

@suoma - oh, that's interesting. I never thought about it that way. I have had other girlfriends but never lived with them or had a long term relationship with them so that is something I have no experience in. Trying to imagine - I could see how that could be almost like torture for someone with a high sex drive to be with someone with a low sex drive. It's hard to imagine - after about 20 years with the same person who always wants sex eventually this seems normal. It sounds like you found a good partner now who you are more compatible with.

As I've gotten older my sex drive has gone down a LOT. It was 3-5 times a day when we first moved in together. Then 2-3 times for most of my twenties. When I hit 30 it was like 1-2 times. Now I am 36 and it is like once a day. Hopefully this is normal. Then there are days like today where I'm sick and it is definitely not happening, lol. It is nice in a way to not be in a state of constant arousal. More mentally peaceful. I can talk to her now and sleep with her now and not have that constant arousal. I guess that is what I mean. Having a lower sex drive can be better in some ways. Less exhausting, more peaceful. I'm not sure if human beings were really designed to be in a constant state of sexual arousal for the long term.

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jennypenny
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Re: Optimizing sex

Post by jennypenny »

@7W5 & @J&G: I wasn't specifically talking about feminine vs. masculine, but I can see how you might infer that. I meant more that if a person deprives their body of normal stimuli all day every day, they might try to compensate by overstimulating themselves through sex (or food, or drugs, etc). That's why I referenced the other thread about living mostly virtually ... I think there might be a danger when we choose substitutes for sensory stimulation that we're missing because they might not be appropriate. The OP already stated what he was looking for, so this doesn't apply here.

And fyi ... I'm an INTP and skew 'masculine' on most tests I've taken. I wasn't talking about foreplay, cuddling, etc. I'm talking about using your body to the fullest 'in real life' so you become intimately familiar with how your body moves and reacts, and you learn when you recoil and what brings pleasure. Only learning that in limited settings (during sex, eating, etc) might skew your perceptions.

I can't imagine that avoiding wide swaths of stimuli, or even controlling for it once VR is advanced enough to include all of your senses, is a good thing. It's like the over-parenting craze bled into our adult lives, convincing us that we should strive to surround ourselves with only the things we choose.

Anyway, wrong thread. Sorry.

7Wannabe5
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Re: Optimizing sex

Post by 7Wannabe5 »

@jennypenny:

I agree with you. I wasn’t interpreting your perspective as particularly feminine, I was just noting that in books written on sexual dichotomy theory, your recommendation for diverse sensual input throughout the day would be categorized as towards improving feminine energy. Activities such as those recommended by Peterson- clean your room, make progress towards your purposeful goals, vanquish your enemies, would be towards improving masculine energy. So, for somebody seeking to improve their masculine energy, the lack of wide-ranging sensual inputs wouldn’t be the problem with playing video games all day long. The problem would be the room that was still a mess and the goals that were not accomplished in real life/meat space. Your virtual “winnings” can’t be readily transferred. Of course, this could (probably already is) be remedied by transfer of tokens from video games to one of those sites where teenage girls dance for tokens etc.

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