M's Journal

Where are you and where are you going?
shaz
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Location: Colorado, US

Re: M's Journal

Post by shaz »

My husband found it helpful to start a list of things he might want to do once he has more time. At first the ideas came slowly but now he seems to think of new things almost daily. The things on the list can be big or small - ride his bike more often, paddleboard mid-week when he doesn't have to fight crowds at the lake, cut and polish some of the pretty rocks we keep bringing home, learn how to make chocolate chip cookies, replace the broken interior lights in the trailer, identify the birds we see in our yard, and so on.

M
Posts: 423
Joined: Wed Sep 29, 2010 7:34 pm

Re: M's Journal

Post by M »

@shaz - this is a great idea. I think I will start writing down things I would like to do once I retire.

I am going to stop tracking finances. ERE becomes an obsession in some ways, and I'm not sure it's really worth thinking about constantly. This job is stupid easy, full remote, flexible hours (I can work 8-5 or 2-10 or literally whatever), no one even keeps track of the hours anyway, and the work can be done in a few hours a week generally anywhere in the country. I can pick any random day and just surf the web, or play games or whatever. This is the perfect slacker job but somehow it pays six figures, lol. It's really hard to walk away from after all these years when you started out at minimum wage years ago. In some ways it is too easy. This is probably the ultimate golden handcuffs almost. If only I could convince them to give me the summers off.

Doing a lot of things - like perpetually travelling the country or living on a sailboat - aren't really options because these are things the wife would not want to do and would be difficult to do with 4 kids. I am in a house in the suburbs of a small Midwestern town. It is an odd situation that I never expected.

I think for now I will start going to the gym more and getting outside running and hiking more. My manager even tells me to take breaks during the work day to go on long walks. This is an odd job...

suomalainen
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Re: M's Journal

Post by suomalainen »

I wrote this in another thread, but I think it applies here:
suomalainen wrote:
Sun Jul 03, 2022 8:14 am
Saw this recently and thought it appropriate for this thread:

The 4 phases of retirement | Dr. Riley Moynes | TEDxSurrey

It discusses the four phases of (a typical old-age) retirement:
1) Vacation - what is generally seen by pre-retirees as an ideal retirement - wake up when you want, do what you want, etc. Generally lasts about a year, until you get bored, miss a routine, and start to ask "Is this all there is?".
2) Feel loss and feel lost - you lose routine, sense of identity, relationships, sense of purpose, power - all things that are generally easily found at a job. Divorce, depression and decline are also very common in this phase.
3) Trial and error - search for meaning, how to contribute? You need to find something that gets you up in the morning again or you'll slip back into phase 2.
4) Reinvent and rewire - not everyone makes it here, but those that do find activities that provide meaning and a sense of accomplishment, that satisfy those five losses experienced in phase 2. This almost always involves service to others.

There may be some biases in there reflective of a certain population that he surveyed, but the main ideas can be useful in any event. My summary is: remember that you are a biological entity, honed by evolution to need certain things, so don't fight it, embrace it. The easiest shortcut to satisfy many of these homo sapien needs at once is to do what you love with the people you love. It will be different for different people, with varying amounts of routine, sociability, accomplishment, etc., and your needs will vary day-by-day and over time, but that's what the trial and error is for. Go and do. And when that's been done, go and do again and again. In the meantime, try to enjoy the dance and don't overthink it.
If you don't need the money from work, then money is a solved problem for you. Work can provide other positive things to you (relationships, sense of meaning/accomplishment, routine, even identity or power) at a cost to you (stress, time away from other things you could be doing). If the positive outweighs the negative, stay in the job; if not, then try something else - either by trying to mitigate the costs or enhancing the rewards of the current job or by trying something new - another job or retirement ("personal projects"). But in order to solve your current problem, you first have to accurately define it. You won't get anywhere thinking about your life's main issue being a money / external problem, when it seems clear that your problem is internal. Maybe therapy and meds will help; maybe changing routines / behaviors will help; maybe re-orienting your perspective will help; maybe stopping the baby factory will help ( :lol: ). Start with the least disruptive options and work your way from there. You're in an awesome position to move forward.

M
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Joined: Wed Sep 29, 2010 7:34 pm

Re: M's Journal

Post by M »

@suoma - haha, yes, the baby factory has been stopped. My wife had a strange obsession with babies. This uncertainty has finally ended. I am probably the only person on the ere forum with 4 kids.

You have some good thoughts...this is largely an internal problem. I will ponder this some.

Thanks

M
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Joined: Wed Sep 29, 2010 7:34 pm

Re: M's Journal

Post by M »

Ok...Time to talk about mental health.

I am done talking about money. Feel free to stop reading unless you enjoy sad stories.

I don't have a good memory of my childhood. Mostly just flashbacks of certain things. I know it was bad. I will try and recollect.

I'm not sure how bad it was exactly. I know my skull was caved in as a baby for some reason, and there was a lot of abuse and neglect. My mother is diagnosed bipolar paranoid schizophrenic and my father is chronically depressed. I never saw my father much. Mom divorced him when I was eight and she stopped taking her meds and told the police he was trying to stab her with a knife. I mostly grew up on ... I'm not sure. I remember not eating a lot and showing the teachers the inside of my rib cage and the cock roaches and have flashbacks of getting raped over and over again...I remember walking around on the roof of the house, mowing the lawn when I could barely reach the bars of the lawn mower. I remember running a dirt bike into the corner of our brick house and passing out. I remember getting hit by a car while riding my bicycle and losing a lot of skin on my left arm. It was a slow speed impact in a ...campground? I remember my mom lying to me all the time about everything. I don't remember my dad for some reason. It's like he did not exist. My older siblings won't talk about things. They say it is better that I forgot.

When I was 10 years old child protective services took me. I remember screaming as they took me away from my mom, my siblings, my school, my toys, my friends, and my clothes. The only thing I kept was the clothes on my back and a small red toy car that my kids play with now.

I was placed in foster care in a poor run down trailer park. The trailer was constantly filled with smoke. I cried a lot. Every day. For weeks. I stole a knife and was going to kill myself. Something inside me told me not to. The foster parents constantly screamed about money, and cigarettes, and taking care of these damn foster kids. I ate rice and beans and some brocoli. I bathed once a week in one inch of water. There were no toys and nothing to do there. Foster parents always told me to get out and not come back until it is dark. Some of the kids found out I was there in foster care. They chased me away throwing things and shouting that my mother never loved me. Some teenagers offered me weed. I refused.

I was taken away from that foster home. Not sure why. I think they stopped being foster parents. I was placed in new home. Much better home. Nicer neighborhood. This foster mom hugged me. I remember being scared. I don't remember being hugged before. I assume I was hugged before...? They had cats to play with. I liked petting the cats.

I didn't feel anything after I was 10, except extremely occasional fear and anger. But 99% of the time I did not feel anything. I appeared like a robot in old videos. Expressionless. Never laughed, never cried. Just did not experience feelings. I did have thoughts.

My foster parents adopted me when I was 12. My new adoptive mother then got cancer immediately and died a year later. I did not shed a tear or experienced any sadness. I watched her take her last breathe and it was no different than watching the wind blow the trees. A girl hugged me in school, told me she was sorry for my loss. I did not understand. What did I lose?

I remained in this strange robot state. I did extremely well in school. Top of my class. I was placed in all advanced placement courses. After taking an IQ test I was placed in a special program for gifted students. Out of 600 students this class included the top 8 students in terms of IQ. They refused to tell us our IQ, and claimed that being aware of our IQ would hinder our academic progress. I only mention this because it seems like I achieved greater cognitive abilities due to robot state. Not sure. Extreme intelligence does not run in my family and it feels like these abilities faded as I got older for sure.

There was a girl in school who was obsessed with me. She hugged me one day and I felt a literal internal spark or connection, like an 'aha' moment when you realize something but huge. After five years I had feelings again, but now instead of nothing it was a chronic dim depression. It was like lighting the worlds smallest fire. We wound up dating for a while before she broke up with me when she realized I didn't really have any feelings at all. I remember being confused as she sobbed and broke up with me. She asked me what I felt and I told her nothing. I wasn't sure what she meant. Just did not understand why someone would cry over losing someone else. What did she lose? I literally could not comprehend feelings.

I am 36 now. Over the years I have experienced much stronger feelings. Mostly for girlfriends and now my wife. At the end of the day though I always have this chronic depression. Sometimes it will go away for a while and I can be happy and stare at the sky. I try and remember those moments. Sometimes it is hard to remember what happiness feels like under the fog of depression.

I have tried sooo many things. Therapy. Anti-depressants. Dozens of self help books. New age spiritual hippy things ACIM. Dr. Hawkins. Buddhism. Meditation. Exercise. The ONLY thing that has helped much has been eating a very specific type of whole foods plant based diet and daily walks. Basically beans, fruits, vegetables, whole grains, daily multivitamin that must include vitamin d, daily magnesium supplements, daily fish oil supplements, occasional salmon or chicken and olive oil. Certain foods seem to trigger depressive episodes including sugar, processed foods, ice cream, excessive cheese consumption, any form of pop, donuts. Fried food has an especially bad sort of toxic feeling afterwards. I will add more later.

ertyu
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Re: M's Journal

Post by ertyu »

That's an awful lot of shit to happen to a person and I'm glad you got through it mostly sane and alright. Glad you've found a diet that makes you feel better. What type of therapy did you do? For war zone grade trauma etc, which is def. the grade of trauma your story falls into, EMDR works best. If you haven't tried it, you might consider working with a therapist specializing in precisely that modality. My trauma is muggle-grade so I DIY it, but what happens is, I experience a lot of emotion *while* I am working with a thing, but afterwards, there is a lightness and calm and the experience seems to be integrated in a new way. It won't make you joyful, happy and ecstatic, but I treasure the inner calm and peace and relief I feel as a result.

candide
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Re: M's Journal

Post by candide »

I did EMDR therapy after my PTSD led to night terrors [1]. By this, I do not mean nightmares.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Night_terror

I believe EMDR was helpful, though I will grant it was part of a wider effort to de-stress and improve my life. It was also good to stop being a debate coach, which featured high stress, long hours, and huge disruptions to my sleep.

===

[1] I had night terrors as a child, then "outgrew" them, which is normal, but then they returned under stress and trauma, which is possible.

M
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Re: M's Journal

Post by M »

@ertyu - honestly...the therapy was when I was a teenager and in robot state. It was just your standard therapy. I remember them asking me how I felt over and over and I was confused. I did not understand the guy. He showed me a bunch of different facial expressions for happines, sadness, fear etc. I always just pointed to a standard looking face. Eventually I started lying to him because it seemed like I was wasting his time. I never once cried in therapy or experienced emotions, even when talking about my past. My adoptive dad says I was a robot when he got me and he never could change it. Even though - internally I did start to experience feelings on occasion at 15.

Therapy would probably work a lot better today, since I can actually experience feelings. These days I will randomly wake up in the middle of the night completely bawling for no reason at all, just like a baby. My wife holds me until I calm down and go back to sleep. This may sound horrible but I view this as progress since I can cry. Sometimes I have even cried while watching a romance movie. I also cry seeing someone rescue someone else from a death situation like drowning or house fire. Have no idea why.

I also wonder if it isn't because my brain was caved in as a baby. They did surgery to repair my skull and pull the part of the brain out that got pushed in...That is what I was told anyway. There is still a two inch wide hole or dent that I cover with hair.

I will look into EMDR...I don't think what I suffered was war grade trauma. Idk. I don't remember much. I have met Vietnam vets in their 70s now who still wake up multiple times in the middle of the night screaming and ready to kill someone. I would think if it was too bad I would have been taken by children services sooner i.e. if I had visible marks at school etc. I was going to a public school in America when this happened. My biological mother is crazy now and can't hold down a conversation. She just says my father was evil and hurting us so the government took us. My biological father doesn't talk about it at all, except to say that our mother was hurting us and went crazy and kicked him out. No one went to jail and all the court records are sealed. I only have flashbacks and stories from family members so trying to figure out what happened has been like a real life mystery in a way.

I do wonder if therapy would help with the depression and my general ability to experience happiness. I should definitely try it again as an adult.

M
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Re: M's Journal

Post by M »

@candide - Interesting. Sometimes, once a week or so, I wake up in the middle of the night wide awake adrenaline rushing heart pounding but I don't shout or feel scared or anything. It takes a couple hours to calm back down or I just never go back to sleep until the next day. It has always been like that. I always just thought of this as part of being a light sleeper. After taking magnesium this has decreased to once a month or so. It is kinda random, not consistent at all. I'm not sure if this is a night terror since I don't feel scared or anything. Just fully alert with adrenaline and high heart rate. I have worn an spo2 monitor at night when this occurred and there were no dips in spo2 levels during this time.

About once...every three-six months or so I will wake up bawling uncontrallably. It is like an intense sadness or loss feeling. This does not include adrenaline and I go back to sleep after crying for a while. I'm not too worried about this since it is very random and far apart and I go back to sleep.

Did the therapy completely get rid of the night terrors? Or lessen them somewhat?

ertyu
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Re: M's Journal

Post by ertyu »

M wrote:
Wed Aug 17, 2022 9:20 pm
These days I will randomly wake up in the middle of the night completely bawling for no reason at all, just like a baby. My wife holds me until I calm down and go back to sleep. This may sound horrible but I view this as progress since I can cry.
doesn't sound horrible to me, man, sounds like healing. if there's grief that needs to come out, it's good that it does and that you have someone you love and who loves you to give you comfort
M wrote:
Wed Aug 17, 2022 9:20 pm
Sometimes I have even cried while watching a romance movie. I also cry seeing someone rescue someone else from a death situation like drowning or house fire. Have no idea why.
My non-professional opinion is that you cry at those times because your emotions, even though suppressed for survival's sake, are actually there and working properly. In other words, I don't think it's because your brain was caved in. If you stay with those experiences, probably the reason why you cry will be revealed, little by little. I think empathy is why you cry, and grief, but that's only an armchair theory from an internet rando who doesn't know you and who's only read a couple of your posts. But you will find the real reason.
M wrote:
Wed Aug 17, 2022 9:20 pm
I will look into EMDR...I don't think what I suffered was war grade trauma. Idk. I don't remember much.
It's a classic for trauma survivors to think that what they went through "isn't that bad." If it was sunshine and roses, you wouldn't have blanked it out. In the end, it doesn't matter if there are people who have suffered worse. You still deserve relief. EMDR is very effective for rape survivors and survivors of various assault and violence. You don't need to have been an actual vet and there's no minimum amount of screaming at night you need to meet.
M wrote:
Wed Aug 17, 2022 9:20 pm
I do wonder if therapy would help with the depression and my general ability to experience happiness. I should definitely try it again as an adult.
if you have the financial means and it's accessible to you, it cannot hurt. if you go to a regular therapist, they will still ask you how you feel, which might help or might not. EMDR on the other hand works with flashes of moments and experiences, which it seems like you have. You have your memories, and you also have the times when you cried at a movie or when you woke up in the middle of the night. There's places from where you can access it and let it drain.

For me personally, EMDR helped more than talk therapy, though obviously different people are different and some things will work for one person but not for another. But yeah, if EMDR is accessible, no harm in trying.

AnalyticalEngine
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Re: M's Journal

Post by AnalyticalEngine »

Hey M, your mental health story has some similarities to mine. I'll share what worked for me.

A hallmark of complex trauma is the emotional flashback, where you suddenly feel very strong emotions out of nowhere after being exposed to a trigger. This is different than classic PTSD where you might experience the "war flashback." For me, I was experiencing these emotional flashbacks for years but never thought it was trauma because they aren't "war flashbacks." They feel more like random emotions or extreme invasive thoughts rather than me reliving any experience.

Like I remember a year or so ago standing in line for coffee and being hit with this overwhelming sense of sadness, to the point I was struggling not to cry in the coffee line, even though nothing had happened. Or sometimes I would just sit down on the couch and zone out for hours at a time. Or wake up with an anxiety attack and be unable to fall back asleep. Or experience that robot state/feel like I'm watching myself on TV. The symptoms were somewhat manageable if I wasn't stressed, but would get exponentially worse from even small amounts of stress to the point it was impeding functioning.

What helped me was to treat these emotional states like subpersonalities (which I've mentioned in other posts) and to try and negotiate/understand them. I've write out dialogues between myself and the subpersonality in my journal to try and understand what the emotion was and where it was coming from. This lead to me processing a ton of stuff that had happened to me in my childhood that I wasn't even aware was causing me problems. And as I've done this, it's dramatically increased my capacity to feel emotions. It's a bit odd because sometimes I feel like I'm having to teach myself to experience common emotions that everyone else seems to just to grok naturally, but after I process the trauma, I realize the emotion was there all along, it was just buried.

candide
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Re: M's Journal

Post by candide »

With the caveat that the plural of anecdote isn't data -- ie I'm only speaking from my experience -- the therapist who did EMDR with me seemed to be pleased to do with a somewhat more mild case. He didn't seem to be only wanting the aforementioned vets reliving a literal war zone. Also, frankly, he seemed to like that someone who would bring books to the sessions and be reading in the waiting lobby. I was employed at the time (this was right before my sabbaticals I have written a bit about) and unbelievably this was covered by my insurance.

I haven't had a violent, prolonged night terror incident since EMDR. Still, it's hard to distangle how much of that is from the therapy and how much of it was from no longer working 80 hour weeks or doing the debate schedule of going to bed at 1 am or 2 am on Friday (or, I guess that'd be Saturday), only to wake up at 6:00 on Saturday to put in the high pressure day to try to win some stuff.

I probably have one smallish incident at a frequency of every year or so. I think all of them have been on one of the longer breaks that teaching affords -- pretty sure none have happened on a work night since EMDR . . . Again, not sure how to weigh the intervention, the time off and other types of de-stressing, and lastly the benefits of a more regular schedule.

suomalainen
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Re: M's Journal

Post by suomalainen »

Jesus. I have a friend and a relative who went through similar childhood trauma. It really is "that bad" when it happens to a child, and it carries into adulthood until fully processed, but you can get better. As to how to process it -- yeah, as I mentioned above, I think you've done an amazing job being functional and now you're at a point where you can certainly take the time and money to try different things to further your healing and to become more human and less robot, which appears to be what you want. Therapy is certainly a start, and perhaps you'll find new pathways that work for you.

M
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Re: M's Journal

Post by M »

I have...some ERE confessions...

As you know I have four kids. That is probably an ere confession right there. This wasn't my original intention in life, but my wife begged and begged and I agreed. This year we have been spending around $2,500 /month, which seems like a lot compared to previous spending levels...However, this is for six people, so it is around $400 /month /person.

Our biggest expense is food, and this has gone up this year with inflation. Out of that 2,500 /month, about 1,800 is just on food and household items. This is how this breaks down:

-Property taxes are around $200 /month
-Electric/trash/water/sewer/Nat gas around $200 /month
-Car and van gas and maintanance around $100 /month (we don't drive a lot...)
-Car/Van insurance is around $40 /month
-2 cell phones $8 /month each so $16 total
-Cable Internet $15 /month...Yes, this streams six videos at once just fine. Have no idea why people pay for expensive internet.
-Streaming services around $30 /month
-Around $100 /month for gifts for kids/clothes/misc items e.g. this month it was Amazfit band 7 and birthday gifts. Last month it was clothes and things at local garage sales. We buy most all of our clothes and kitchen things etc from garage sales.
-Around $1,800 /month on food and household items

The $1,800 /month breaks down as follows
-$300 kids school lunches for three kids in school. Can't really get around this. My kids tell me if they have no money on their lunch account they would just starve, which they say happens to about 10% of the students. Sadness.
-$800 at Aldi. This is our main groceries and includes tons of fruits and vegetables, 4 gallons of milk every two weeks, chicken, beef, pork chop, snacks, spaghetti....the list is huuuge.
-$300 at Sams club for household items and frozen pizzas. The kids love frozen pizza.
-$400 salads for me

The salads are...expensive. Based on my experience though the salads are the best thing to help with my depression and low energy symptoms. I used to go to Kroger, pre-covid, but they shutdown their salad bar during covid and never brought it back.

There is only one place left within driving distance that has a salad bar, and it is $12 /lb. My salads are 1-1.5 lbs every day. You can do the math and see that this is expensive. In addition this is probably where half the gasoline goes.

But...my salad/vitamin/supplement routine is the only thing keeping me from having severely low energy levels, depression headaches, and feeling generally numb to everything in life. Sometimes I wonder if I don't have some other issue like chronic fatigue symptom or something but all bloodwork has always come back fine, including iron and thyroid levels. I am 5'10" and 150 lbs. A cashier girl at the store thought I was 21 even though I am 36 and feel like I'm 85. My blood pressure is 116/75 and a1c is 3.6%. After 12 hours of fasting my blood sugar levels are either around 70 or around 95-100. That specific variety seems odd. It is never like 80 or 85. Always 70 or 95-100.

The salad is:
-Mixed greens
-Kidney beans
-Shredded carrots
-Mushrooms
-Green peas
-Grape Tomatoes
-Diced tomatoes
-Watermelon
-Guac
-Cantaloupe
-Mixed berries
-Grapes
-Vinaigrette dressing

I usually have a protein shake or smoothie as well. I don't eat breakfast and may have a light dinner or no dinner.

I have a bad sweet tooth and love sugary snacks after lunch though...that is my dietary sin.

I have justified this salad habit to myself by saying the same things most people say to themselves to justify their purchases...I make 120k /year and have 1.2 million liquid so I deserve to do what I need to do to stay happy/healthy.

I have tried replicating this at home but trying to keep melons on hand is challenging as well as making constant guac because the kids eat everything they can grab. The teenager will eat a whole bag of grapes as a random snack without even thinking about it, for example.

I'm not sure if I should really bother trying to reduce these expenses though, honestly. This is wasteful in some ways but I still have a 2.5% withdrawal rate and I'm still working so....meh? I guess this is how lifestyle inflation happens.

ertyu
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Re: M's Journal

Post by ertyu »

i say keep the salads. anything you save on them you'll likely pay in doctors' bills later. if you want to cut anything cut the sugary snacks, and im saying this as someone who's also got a sweet tooth and would probably cut anything else first instead :lol:

7Wannabe5
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Re: M's Journal

Post by 7Wannabe5 »

I am not a doctor, and it is not my intention to play one on the internet, but...

I also have a mother with bi-polar disease, and much of your journal is indicative of the "symptoms" often experienced by children of those with bi-polar disease. Hyper-sexuality, high IQ, intermittent depression, and intense sugar cravings are hallmarks of cyclothymia (mild or second-generation bi-polar disease.) My 3 sisters and some of our children also have these "symptoms", and my second "husband" also had a mother with bi-polar disease and two daughters with associated "symptoms", so I actually guessed that bi-polar disease must run in your family when I read your post describing your sex life on another thread.

Anyways, I don't always do a great job managing my tendencies towards cyclothymia, but I would hypothesize based on my experience that what might be working for you with the salads is that you are getting sugar without a lot of extra starch calories. A less expensive alternative might be something like a heap of cooked greens, fish oil capsules, and a serving of candy that has to be eaten slowly-like a caramel apple sucker or sour patch kids. I've also found walking in nature while drinking coffee for an hour every day quite helpful.

M
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Re: M's Journal

Post by M »

7Wannabe5 wrote:
Sat Sep 10, 2022 6:51 am
I am not a doctor, and it is not my intention to play one on the internet, but...

I also have a mother with bi-polar disease, and much of your journal is indicative of the "symptoms" often experienced by children of those with bi-polar disease. Hyper-sexuality, high IQ, intermittent depression, and intense sugar cravings are hallmarks of cyclothymia (mild or second-generation bi-polar disease.) My 3 sisters and some of our children also have these "symptoms", and my second "husband" also had a mother with bi-polar disease and two daughters with associated "symptoms", so I actually guessed that bi-polar disease must run in your family when I read your post describing your sex life on another thread.

Anyways, I don't always do a great job managing my tendencies towards cyclothymia, but I would hypothesize based on my experience that what might be working for you with the salads is that you are getting sugar without a lot of extra starch calories. A less expensive alternative might be something like a heap of cooked greens, fish oil capsules, and a serving of candy that has to be eaten slowly-like a caramel apple sucker or sour patch kids. I've also found walking in nature while drinking coffee for an hour every day quite helpful.
This is certainly possible, and perhaps even probable. My biological mother was diagnosed with bi-polar and paranoid schizophrenia and my biological father was diagnosed with chronic depression. My mother has been hiding in a small shack in the middle of nowhere for the past twenty years now because she thinks the government is after her. Some days you can sort of hold down a conversation with her and it is like talking to a small child. She struggles to find words and understand things. Most days though she is screaming about the demons attacking. It is sad...My biggest fear is winding up like her. Thus I pursued ere early on. My grandma, her mom, wound up in an insane asylum in her thirties after repeatedly ripping off all her clothes and running down the street naked and screaming over and over again.

I take a multivitamin that includes vitamin d. If I don't take vitamin d everyday the depression symptoms return. I also take fish oil everyday...I'm not sure if the fish oil is really needed and I've been cutting back on the amount as well as eating fat in general. I take magnesium everyday - this helps with my anxiety and sleeping ability. Then there are the salads...the salads help the most it seems. I avoid caffeine at all costs. If I drink anything with caffeine in it, even if I just have a coke in the morning, I get so wired I can't sleep at all that night. Then the next day I am so drained and can barely think and wind up just lying in bed all day until the following night when I can sleep again. Caffeine is bad for me.

I have thought about talking to a psychiatrist and seeing if I should be taking medication or not. Honestly though, despite the mental issues I have been functional just fine. I have consistently held down a job for over twenty years, went to community college while working, completely renovated some houses and was a landlord for a while. I have never been fired, saved over a million dollars, and have also been raising four kids. After a while you learn when you should push through the pain and low energy levels and when you should lay down and rest. You also learn to always accept everything the way it is mentally while working to improve things.

I have read many books on depression and nutrition. It is certainly possible I have a mild form of bipolar disorder. I will find some books on bipolar disorder to read...maybe the treatment options are different.

MBBboy
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Re: M's Journal

Post by MBBboy »

I find your expense load amazing, not something you should feel bad about. It's all relative I suppose, and who you compare yourself against matters. If it makes you feel better, our expenses are multiples higher than yours, and that holds even if I cheat and don't count the "fixed" expenses like our mortgage.

Scott 2
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Re: M's Journal

Post by Scott 2 »

The marginal cost of your salads is much less than $400. You have to eat something. I wouldn't feel bad about that.

I do wonder about the time cost. Going out for salad every day is fragile and inconvenient. Is there anything you can cook that gets close? A batch of soup maybe? Or a smoothie with things like frozen avocado and tropical fruits? What do you eat when you can't get to the salad bar?

M
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Joined: Wed Sep 29, 2010 7:34 pm

Re: M's Journal

Post by M »

Scott 2 wrote:
Sat Sep 10, 2022 10:54 am
The marginal cost of your salads is much less than $400. You have to eat something. I wouldn't feel bad about that.

I do wonder about the time cost. Going out for salad every day is fragile and inconvenient. Is there anything you can cook that gets close? A batch of soup maybe? Or a smoothie with things like frozen avocado and tropical fruits? What do you eat when you can't get to the salad bar?
The time does not bother me....I have the kind of job where you work from home, log in when you want, log off when you want, no one tracks your hours, and there is only about two hours of actual work to do every day. The boss encourages us to take two hour lunches and regular breaks all the time which he also does. My coworkers used to show up every day two hours late, do one hour of work, take a two hour lunch then go see a movie for the rest of the afternoon with the boss. This was a typical day in the office. We are all working from home now and it has gotten worse. Some of my coworkers have spent half a year doing absolutely nothing outside of showing up to one meeting a week and not saying anything. There is zero accountability and no one has ever been fired on our team.

My boss and I are both planning on retiring early and discuss early retirement together. It wouldn't surprise me if he was on these forums somewhere or the MMM forums. In his words he is 'literally fine with whatever we want to do' and 'will approve anything' which he does. I told him he made the job too easy to retire from and he just laughs and says that he does that on purpose. I'm not sure if I can justify leaving this job, despite having a 2.5% withdrawal rate.

When the salad bar is closed there are several other things I will eat, including vegetable stir fry, vegetable soup, vege chili, etc. Nothing makes me feel as good as the salad though. Even most normal premade salads, which most people think of when they think of salads, often don't make me feel as good unless they have a huge variety of vegetables, beans, fruit, salmon, etc, and are huge.

I think the best alternative would be to keep all the ingredients to make these salads at home at all times. We already keep most of this stuff stocked at home anyway - it's just a challenge because it is all perishable and the kids eat up all the salad ingredients. We could probably switch our grocery shopping to weekly instead of every two weeks and that would help. I will ponder this some more.

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