I've been back at my summer place for a couple weeks. It's snowing today! So might as well update this.
Mom visited R in Chicago back in February. While there she tripped on a bump in the sidewalk and fractured her kneecap. She didn't need surgery, but it extended her time there by a week or so, and her recovery, though noticeable, has been slow. She was still doing therapy and walking with a cane by the time I left her. I spent a couple months being her Uber, which I had no problem with, but brought to light the issue of how much I'm willing to do for her and where I should draw the line.
So she has been rethinking her plans, specifically moving up to Chicago and buying a condo there. She's considering it much more strongly now, imagining she'll have R nearby full-time and she wouldn't need to drive so much -- she was able to start driving only in early May. She mentioned at least talking to used house salespeople (aka Realtors) this summer as her next step.
This has been a bit of a gut punch. I would miss it down there. Saving money on housing is certainly part of that, but by now that's more of a side effect of why I do it. I told her flat out that if she moved to Chicago I wasn't sure when or for how long -- I stopped short of saying if -- I'd see her again. Never mind it's not the greatest place for an 81-year-old woman to be walking around on the street, even in the neighborhoods she'd be looking at. I still think Massachusetts close to her sister is a better option, and she didn't dismiss it. She's still in the early stages of planning a move, and I think it's more than likely at least another year away, but I have to accept its inevitability. A couple more of her neighborhood friends moved away this winter, for example.
Separately I became of the mind that five months or so is about the limit I want to stay down there at a time. Summer heat and humidity basically starts in May. So if there's a next year I will look to break up my visit, get down there later, leave earlier, whatever, and I told her this. Guess I should be careful what I ask for.
There's an emotional/personal component here and I'm not sure sharing all the details with Internet strangers helps, but the important thing is the parameters have changed.
I did lose some 60 pounds over the winter and have kept it off for now, so it wasn't all bad news.
Older parents and living arrangements
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unemployable
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Re: Older parents and living arrangements
Thanks for the update. Congrats on losing the pounds and on keeping them off. I hope that your mother recovers more from her unlucky fall, which may hopefully also lead to postponing her plans to move a bit. But yes, I guess nothing ever lasts, and things change. That's sad sometimes.
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steelerfan
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Re: Older parents and living arrangements
I posted to this thread last fall regarding my mom. My mom is still doing pretty well. Our latest issue is my in-laws. My father in law had a stroke a few years back. My mother in law, who is fiercely independent and headstrong, needed to take care of him. He is 87 and she is 89. She has in the last couple months started to hit the wall. The quickness of her decline is frankly shocking. She finally came to the realization that they needed to move out of their house and downsize. When he had the stroke the docs said a different person would come back. Very true. All of his worse traits are now amplified LOL.
My wife and her siblings are there this weekend trying to disposition as much as possible in advance of listing the house. This will be a process that may take a month or more to complete. The plan is to list the house in July.
Father in law is a master class pack-rat and an “antiquer” loosely applied. He owned a flea market in the past and still maintains a booth at another venue. We were able to move them into an independent living apartment and the plan was to move over the minimum into the small apartment. They have been accumulating shit for 60 years.
Since the kids got there there are issues. I am glad to be not involved. The parents are “assisting” which I advised against. As a result assorted crap is migrating over to the apartment and there is also the likelihood of a storage rental (super bad idea) to give them time to decide about a few things. Mother in law even in her weakened state still runs rough-shod over her kids. If given the chance they will try to recreate their house in the apartment. I believe my brother in law has power of attorney but they collectively lack the courage to put the hammer down…She even has a friend that is coming over to watch what the kids are doing as well as self helping herself to various “collectibles”. Minor squabbles ensue but really most of the siblings want very little. My niece is angling to buy (steal) her car but everybody is ok with that as mom needs to not have access to it.
They have enough money coming in through SS and savings that they should be ok for as long as they need - without needing the proceeds of the home sale. This place in my opinion is a transitional location as once one of them pass it will likely be assisted care or nursing home for the remaining one.
Just a cautionary tale. It puts things in perspective. Glad my mom is independent and I do have DPOA should things go south. My mom is more of a minimalist and has been disposing of lots in the last few years. Pay attention, people as things sometimes happen quickly. It is a sad situation.
My wife and her siblings are there this weekend trying to disposition as much as possible in advance of listing the house. This will be a process that may take a month or more to complete. The plan is to list the house in July.
Father in law is a master class pack-rat and an “antiquer” loosely applied. He owned a flea market in the past and still maintains a booth at another venue. We were able to move them into an independent living apartment and the plan was to move over the minimum into the small apartment. They have been accumulating shit for 60 years.
Since the kids got there there are issues. I am glad to be not involved. The parents are “assisting” which I advised against. As a result assorted crap is migrating over to the apartment and there is also the likelihood of a storage rental (super bad idea) to give them time to decide about a few things. Mother in law even in her weakened state still runs rough-shod over her kids. If given the chance they will try to recreate their house in the apartment. I believe my brother in law has power of attorney but they collectively lack the courage to put the hammer down…She even has a friend that is coming over to watch what the kids are doing as well as self helping herself to various “collectibles”. Minor squabbles ensue but really most of the siblings want very little. My niece is angling to buy (steal) her car but everybody is ok with that as mom needs to not have access to it.
They have enough money coming in through SS and savings that they should be ok for as long as they need - without needing the proceeds of the home sale. This place in my opinion is a transitional location as once one of them pass it will likely be assisted care or nursing home for the remaining one.
Just a cautionary tale. It puts things in perspective. Glad my mom is independent and I do have DPOA should things go south. My mom is more of a minimalist and has been disposing of lots in the last few years. Pay attention, people as things sometimes happen quickly. It is a sad situation.
Re: Older parents and living arrangements
@unemployable good luck with things. I’ve mentioned it somewhere before but I’ll say it again. Your mom seems like a pretty sensible person. Reasonable too. You’re lucky.
@Steelerfan whoa. Sounds wild. My folks were packrats too. Not flea market level - we had a a neighbor who was big into flea markets and had a garage filled with industrial shelving packed solid with junk from the last seven decades. He had monthly garage sales where he priced his items so high they wouldn’t move. I felt sorry for the person who had to deal with that solid mass of stuff years in the future. This was in the Bay Area but he said he trailered stuff as far as Arizona to sell. So I can just imagine what you’re up against. Lots of “priceless” antiques that just looked like old stuff to me.
I have an entire house with my parents things stored inside. Mom is dead and dad still keeps his possessions in her home. It’s the aftermath of his freakish thirty year polygamy where he spent six months a year with my mom and six months a year with his new wife in the Bay Area. He just created two homes and furnished them then bounced between them like a ping pong ball. I got left in an odd spot when I inherited the house…with all his stuff. At some point I’ll trash it but I’m trying to avoid the drama right now. My strategy is it’s easier to wait him out rather than fight.
@Steelerfan whoa. Sounds wild. My folks were packrats too. Not flea market level - we had a a neighbor who was big into flea markets and had a garage filled with industrial shelving packed solid with junk from the last seven decades. He had monthly garage sales where he priced his items so high they wouldn’t move. I felt sorry for the person who had to deal with that solid mass of stuff years in the future. This was in the Bay Area but he said he trailered stuff as far as Arizona to sell. So I can just imagine what you’re up against. Lots of “priceless” antiques that just looked like old stuff to me.
I have an entire house with my parents things stored inside. Mom is dead and dad still keeps his possessions in her home. It’s the aftermath of his freakish thirty year polygamy where he spent six months a year with my mom and six months a year with his new wife in the Bay Area. He just created two homes and furnished them then bounced between them like a ping pong ball. I got left in an odd spot when I inherited the house…with all his stuff. At some point I’ll trash it but I’m trying to avoid the drama right now. My strategy is it’s easier to wait him out rather than fight.
Re: Older parents and living arrangements
I'm not looking forward to having to clear out the house my MIL lives in as it's a rented place and for some reason as surviving relatives you're not allowed to rent the house for a few extra months to have time to clear things out. Not sure if you just have "the remainder of the month" whenever MIL dies, or whether there will be like a 28-day grace period or something like that, but when she dies, we'll have to clear out the house fast (and arrange for the funeral, and mourn...). By the way, there are companies that will do it for you, that would be an option for me but probably not for the children of my MIL.
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IlliniDave
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Re: Older parents and living arrangements
We're starting to grapple with this with my dad, who will be 83 in about 2 week. The issue we have is that his GAS factor is very low when it comes to the condition of the house/property. I think it's partly inherent to his nature, and without my mom riding herd on him he's content to let entropy work its magic. Prodding from me and my siblings doesn't help much. Now that my sister has taken over his finances and the deadbeat nephew is no longer able to abuse his kindheartedness, there's plenty of money to take care of maintenance things and even hire a housekeeping service. But he's resistant and actually finds it amusing that things are rapidly approaching a state of squalor due to deliberate neglect. It's like this is his chance to get back at the world for a lifetime of making him do things he didn't want to do. Unfortunately what this means is that should the time come, getting any sort of in-home assistance for him might wind up off the table due to the condition of the house and force him out sooner than it might otherwise. His physical health is still pretty good considering his age, so its not urgent, but it's one of those things always lurking in the back of my mind and I don't have any ready answers.
Re: Older parents and living arrangements
GAS-factor? Oh... give a shit-factor... Aha.
Re: Older parents and living arrangements
Yes, if the house is a mess or unlivable there may be pushback from the caregivers for hire. I had this issue.
We had coyotes wandering through the yard. Not denning but definitely spending the evening walking through or hunting. The caregiver contractor pushed back and made me put up security lights. This only served to let the nurses see the actual coyote in the grass instead of just hearing it. They still complained.
Some said our driveway was too narrow. The TV only had three channels. The bed needed a third motor where it only had a hand crank. I pushed back on some of that. After I’d paid them a hundred grand for a year they learned how to compromise with me.
The house was cluttered. Many of the appliances were dodgy. They wanted the house cleaned up and reorganized so they could do their job better and easier. This all had to be addressed. It was PITA factor but once we got a pass it was great having the help with mom.
We had to address the rats in the basement and the ants in the kitchen. The electrical breakers would trip and the nurses would expect me to drive two hours to flip them back over. This was due to all the window AC units i installed to keep people happy. But it still was better than doing the work myself. So there was some preparation that had to be done. The good news is they advised what was needed.
Often they’d just bring in a handyman and just fix the problem then bill me. I got used to it.
Yeah, fun stuff.
We had coyotes wandering through the yard. Not denning but definitely spending the evening walking through or hunting. The caregiver contractor pushed back and made me put up security lights. This only served to let the nurses see the actual coyote in the grass instead of just hearing it. They still complained.
Some said our driveway was too narrow. The TV only had three channels. The bed needed a third motor where it only had a hand crank. I pushed back on some of that. After I’d paid them a hundred grand for a year they learned how to compromise with me.
The house was cluttered. Many of the appliances were dodgy. They wanted the house cleaned up and reorganized so they could do their job better and easier. This all had to be addressed. It was PITA factor but once we got a pass it was great having the help with mom.
We had to address the rats in the basement and the ants in the kitchen. The electrical breakers would trip and the nurses would expect me to drive two hours to flip them back over. This was due to all the window AC units i installed to keep people happy. But it still was better than doing the work myself. So there was some preparation that had to be done. The good news is they advised what was needed.
Often they’d just bring in a handyman and just fix the problem then bill me. I got used to it.
Yeah, fun stuff.
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steelerfan
- Posts: 127
- Joined: Wed Feb 27, 2013 3:33 pm
Re: Older parents and living arrangements
Followup to last week:
The kids spent the better part of a week clearing out stuff. Yes, more stuff migrated over and yes, a storage unit was procured to allow time to decide. Eventually, I hope it empties out but who knows? The entire house is infested with mice. Mouse turds everywhere. They acted surprised there were mice but we saw where they were blocking off a hole in the basement so they were in denial.
The siblings played mostly nice on the contents but the early birds did pinch some known items that were there the week before LOL. C’est la vie. The friend also stole some hummels like anyone cares and she was looking for kitchen machines the next day. We are so done with this and these people.
The house is mostly clear. My sister in law made a curious statement last week that she wished the brother in law got to keep the house. Maybe he will. Isn’t there a lookback provision for medicare/medicaid? They will need the house proceeds if one or both enter assisted living or nursing care. The mother in law was asking me for financial advice over the phone which apparently torqued people off. MIL knows we have no personal interest or rights in their property so not quite sure what that was other than scheming. Not sure the other feel that way. We are in a different NW range from the rest of them and are not looking to cash in.
Not sure what will end up happening but how they proceed and what takes place will impact our future dealings with them. I can see pleas for assistance in the future that will go unanswered. I hope they don't try to take advantage of their folks and I am just paranoid but my spidey senses are tingling. I *sincerely* hope I am wrong.
The kids spent the better part of a week clearing out stuff. Yes, more stuff migrated over and yes, a storage unit was procured to allow time to decide. Eventually, I hope it empties out but who knows? The entire house is infested with mice. Mouse turds everywhere. They acted surprised there were mice but we saw where they were blocking off a hole in the basement so they were in denial.
The siblings played mostly nice on the contents but the early birds did pinch some known items that were there the week before LOL. C’est la vie. The friend also stole some hummels like anyone cares and she was looking for kitchen machines the next day. We are so done with this and these people.
The house is mostly clear. My sister in law made a curious statement last week that she wished the brother in law got to keep the house. Maybe he will. Isn’t there a lookback provision for medicare/medicaid? They will need the house proceeds if one or both enter assisted living or nursing care. The mother in law was asking me for financial advice over the phone which apparently torqued people off. MIL knows we have no personal interest or rights in their property so not quite sure what that was other than scheming. Not sure the other feel that way. We are in a different NW range from the rest of them and are not looking to cash in.
Not sure what will end up happening but how they proceed and what takes place will impact our future dealings with them. I can see pleas for assistance in the future that will go unanswered. I hope they don't try to take advantage of their folks and I am just paranoid but my spidey senses are tingling. I *sincerely* hope I am wrong.
Re: Older parents and living arrangements
Well if it is any consolation I consider the thefts the small cost of feeling okay about writing these people off forever.
Every now and then I come across things taken from my late mom’s house.
In stills of a family zoom meeting (that I intentionally missed) I saw an oriental carpet that disappeared miraculously reappear on my sister’s wall. There is still a bare spot in the living room where somebody rolled it up and made off with it. Many years ago I mentioned it was stolen and my sister said, “that’s terrible Sclass.”
On social media I saw my step mother using my mom’s vintage opera glasses from the 1950s. Unmistakable and very rare German optics. Bought by my grandmother in Europe. Somehow my step mom got them. I felt a little bad for a moment. My mom really liked those.
There are some unsolved mysteries. Where are mom’s violins? Where is the family sword collection? Nobody knows.
It’s cool. Hopefully I’ll never see these people again.
Every now and then I come across things taken from my late mom’s house.
In stills of a family zoom meeting (that I intentionally missed) I saw an oriental carpet that disappeared miraculously reappear on my sister’s wall. There is still a bare spot in the living room where somebody rolled it up and made off with it. Many years ago I mentioned it was stolen and my sister said, “that’s terrible Sclass.”
On social media I saw my step mother using my mom’s vintage opera glasses from the 1950s. Unmistakable and very rare German optics. Bought by my grandmother in Europe. Somehow my step mom got them. I felt a little bad for a moment. My mom really liked those.
There are some unsolved mysteries. Where are mom’s violins? Where is the family sword collection? Nobody knows.
It’s cool. Hopefully I’ll never see these people again.
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unemployable
- Posts: 1007
- Joined: Mon Jan 08, 2018 11:36 am
- Location: Homeless
Re: Older parents and living arrangements
House is on the market.
I feel like I've lost. She'll be in R's sphere of influence now. More than she is already, I mean.
I'll be making one last trip down there before she moves, to gather the things I've left there, say goodbye and all that. I don't know what my winters will look like now, but I've started the thought process. Maybe I'll stay here. Maybe I'll just travel/car-dwell for a few months and pop in at my old haunts. It's a nice neighborhood she lived in and maybe some of them need housesitters. But I doubt that'll be an "every winter" thing. It had become a part of me, and she had too, in a different way than when she was raising me. I had a purpose there. That's what I'm losing, and that's what hurts.
I feel like I've lost. She'll be in R's sphere of influence now. More than she is already, I mean.
I'll be making one last trip down there before she moves, to gather the things I've left there, say goodbye and all that. I don't know what my winters will look like now, but I've started the thought process. Maybe I'll stay here. Maybe I'll just travel/car-dwell for a few months and pop in at my old haunts. It's a nice neighborhood she lived in and maybe some of them need housesitters. But I doubt that'll be an "every winter" thing. It had become a part of me, and she had too, in a different way than when she was raising me. I had a purpose there. That's what I'm losing, and that's what hurts.
Re: Older parents and living arrangements
@unemployable Aww man. Sorry about that.
There’s a big world out there, ya know?
When I retired my dad conscripted me to take care of my mom. Six years of that then she passed. I didn’t get to really retire. Now that she’s gone the burden is gone but I do feel I’ve lost my job. I hated that job but it was my job.
Start something new. Change can be good.
There’s a big world out there, ya know?
When I retired my dad conscripted me to take care of my mom. Six years of that then she passed. I didn’t get to really retire. Now that she’s gone the burden is gone but I do feel I’ve lost my job. I hated that job but it was my job.
Start something new. Change can be good.
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unemployable
- Posts: 1007
- Joined: Mon Jan 08, 2018 11:36 am
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Re: Older parents and living arrangements
Mom has accepted an offer and I plan to travel down to her home for the last time in a few days. It won't be a fun trip, to the extent that I've been wondering what the second least enjoyable trip I've ever taken was. On the list of my life's greatest disappointments, I figure this comes in around sixth or seventh.
It would've been nice to have one more winter with her, but in the end it wasn't my call, and the time for campaigning has passed. And this will end my direct engagement with this topic for the time being. I will post any additional thoughts I have to my journal thread.
I do have a few inchoate ideas regarding how I'll spend my winters from here on. I have time before that moves to the front burner. In the long term I do want to buy a house somewhere, but given the state of the housing market and my finances that's a ways off. Maybe it'll work out for the better in some ways. But I already miss what I had.
It would've been nice to have one more winter with her, but in the end it wasn't my call, and the time for campaigning has passed. And this will end my direct engagement with this topic for the time being. I will post any additional thoughts I have to my journal thread.
I do have a few inchoate ideas regarding how I'll spend my winters from here on. I have time before that moves to the front burner. In the long term I do want to buy a house somewhere, but given the state of the housing market and my finances that's a ways off. Maybe it'll work out for the better in some ways. But I already miss what I had.