Crusader's Journal

Where are you and where are you going?
Crusader
Posts: 342
Joined: Wed Aug 19, 2020 11:16 pm
Location: Toronto, Canada

Re: Crusader's Journal

Post by Crusader »

December 2020 - $7572 (month 3/60)

Well, this was a terrible month. First of all, I changed my accounting practices so that instead of looking at only my checking account, I would pay off my credit card balance in full at the end of each month, instead of relying on the autopayment, which as a 21-day delay. This would make any more precise calculation of what I spent each month much easier, as I can easily match the total for the month with what was spend that month. That is why the amount up there for December has at least $2000 that was actually spent in November.

I was doing so well. I barely ever ate any food that I didn't buy at Costco and cooked at home. I think I will make it a strict rule that I can only eat what I buy on my Costco monthly trips going into the new year. I also realized that the therapist/coach that I was seeing from HealthyGamerGG wasn't worth my money, as the most benefit I would get from him is just someone listening to me, being an accountability buddy and making sure I brainstorm what I want to work on on a regular basis. I just need a friend for this, not a coach/therapist! So, I thought that I could maybe do a "therapy exchange" with a willing friend: I listen to them one hour a week, and they listen to me one hour a week. We act as therapists for each other, AND we get to become closer friends. Well, I got a friend to agree to this, and she even said that I don't even need to be her therapist, she would rather me teach her how to dance Brazillian Zouk in return (even better for me, I get to do something I like doing). It was working so well that I decided to offer a similar exchange to another friend who likes dancing and plays piano... I can teach him dance and he can teach me some piano (I would also need to take some piano lessons with a real teacher in addition, of course, but it was my next "to explore" thing, I even found a cheap teacher that I like, I just need to buy an electric piano). Speaking of musical pursuits, my singing classes are going great. I got into the routine of daily practice and it's actually fun. Considering that I am doing this for cheap (15 EUR per hour of online classes with a singing teacher from Serbia), I am keeping this hobby going.

But then, my dad got sick in Serbia. Diarrhea, then fever, then mild pneumonia. He ended up in a hospital, on oxygen, then on a ventillator and he was dead in 14 days from the onset of fever :( It is not clear whether this was COVID, because he tested negative for it, but the progression of his lungs deteriorating (and blood oxygen level lowering) looks very similar to COVID. Maybe COVID was in the mix but the test was negative and the secondary infection is what killed him. Eventually, his heart stopped, from a clot or something else, we are not sure. The hospital report wasn't thorough enough for our liking and we are trying to get his day by day chart, but we'll see. I doubt they even will have them (even though by law they have to give it to us), given how much the medical system is strained right now.

I had to fly back to Serbia (I am still here), do a PCR test to enter the country, get COVID medical insurance, share the funeral costs with my mom... what a mess. And this says nothing about my mom being left alone and lonely (she was pretty emotionally dependent on my dad). She oscillates between having her s*it together and crying/sobbing when someone calls her to offer condolences. I don't even have time to grieve properly myself. I am one step closer to both of my parents being dead, which is when my lovely memories of my childhood of Serbia will only remain in my brain, with nobody living remembering it, not to mention that when my mom dies, there will be nobody left who loves me unconditionally. I don't have a girlfriend and I wonder what this means for my romantic model/preferences going forward.

My dad was a guy who loved life and was pretty frugal and somewhat of a Renaissance man, with many skills and hobbies. He collected watches, cameras (and took photos), and had a large movie collection, collected art, liked walks and bike rides. He was the one who cooked for my mom, not the other way round (not common in Serbia). He liked to thinker with and fix stuff, maintained his own car for most of his life. Just before he got sick, he built a lamp for my mom from pieces of old furniture that was thrown away. I don't think he ever made more than 500 EUR a month, but he never spent all of it. He was 66 when he died, and retired when he was 64, and loved being retired. I guess I'll try to get some constructive lessons from this, which is to be inspired by him as well as not to wait that long before retirement :(

This year can go to hell.
Last edited by Crusader on Wed Dec 30, 2020 7:09 pm, edited 1 time in total.

basuragomi
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Joined: Tue Oct 15, 2019 3:13 pm

Re: Crusader's Journal

Post by basuragomi »

This has been a horrible year. Condolences, I can't imagine what you're feeling right now. Please stay safe yourself.

Crusader
Posts: 342
Joined: Wed Aug 19, 2020 11:16 pm
Location: Toronto, Canada

Re: Crusader's Journal

Post by Crusader »

ERE Goals for 2021:
-> all food must be cooked from ingredients bought in bulk at Costco or other grocery store (social gatherings are an exception)
-> finish decluttering my apartment (sell or donate anything I don't need, and sell the shelves that are then not needed)
-> track all expenses in detail month by month
-> no unnecessary purchases (electric piano that I want to start learning is an exception)

Other goals:
-> read as many unread physical books I have so that I can throw them out/donate/sell them
-> finally fix the scratches on my car myself before they start turning into rust
-> write my will
-> exercise at least 15 minutes a day
-> finally go through and edit my backlog of travel photos from years ago
-> keep up my no porn watching streak (started in August 2020)

Crusader
Posts: 342
Joined: Wed Aug 19, 2020 11:16 pm
Location: Toronto, Canada

Re: Crusader's Journal

Post by Crusader »

basuragomi wrote:
Wed Dec 30, 2020 6:59 pm
This has been a horrible year. Condolences, I can't imagine what you're feeling right now. Please stay safe yourself.
Thank you! I got quite emotional writing the December update and condolences from an Internet stranger somehow helped.

ertyu
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Re: Crusader's Journal

Post by ertyu »

Stay strong brother. Hope you and your mother are OK.

Cheepnis
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Joined: Mon Dec 31, 2018 11:52 am

Re: Crusader's Journal

Post by Cheepnis »

Like yourself, I also have a close relationship with my parents and my brother. I consider myself fortunate in that regard and what you're having to go through seems a worst nightmare scenario. Wishing you strength and peace in this arduous chapter, 2020 can indeed suck a dick.

Crusader
Posts: 342
Joined: Wed Aug 19, 2020 11:16 pm
Location: Toronto, Canada

Re: Crusader's Journal

Post by Crusader »

@ertyu
Thanks brother! Right now, I am fine, and my mom is much better.

@Cheepnis
Thanks for the support! My relationships with my parents can be best described as "complicated". But, my mom did sacrifice a lot for me and I feel responsible to be supportive and there for her.

Today, I did an exercise in finance in a spreadsheet. I wanted to answer the question: "What is the opportunity cost of spending money on non-essential stuff in terms of FIRE date?" This question can be reduced to: "What is the amount of extra money that if I had today would enable me to retire one day early?"

I just wanted a ballpark figure, so I used a rate of return of investments of 5% and a target NW of ~750k. For an aggressive savings rate that I want to achieve and retire in ~5 years, the number is $220-250. For someone who is starting from scratch and doing minimal savings to reach the NW in ~40 years, this number is ~$15, which is fascinating. Someone who is young and just starting out can shed one day from their working life by just saving an extra $15 (of course this does not scale linearly, but still).

In my case, I think it is useful to think of every $220 spent as an extra day that I need to work before reaching FIRE, which is a useful litmus test as to whether or not I should spend it.

Cheepnis
Posts: 303
Joined: Mon Dec 31, 2018 11:52 am

Re: Crusader's Journal

Post by Cheepnis »

This calculator doesn't really do the same thing you just did, but it does present the information on a calendar, therefore on a by day basis, which I appreciate.

http://engaging-data.com/freedom-calcul ... source=mmm

Crusader
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Location: Toronto, Canada

Re: Crusader's Journal

Post by Crusader »

January 2021 - $2525 (month 4/60)

Finally, I had a relatively good month. In there is a purchase of a (second hand) digital piano that cost $450 (when/if I sell it, I will be able to get close to the same money back). Also, in there, there are some stupid Coursera fees for the course I am still subscribed to, but that I keep missing the deadlines to finish, so I should be able to bring this down further. I want to be able to live off of $2000 month to month, and put $500 aside for the travel budget.

Some good news: for the first time ever, I managed to only eat groceries I bought. So, no eating out (unless with some company, and that only happened 2-3 times) or ordering food. So far, I've managed to keep it up. I think I'll turn this into a yearly goal. I've been experimenting with what kind of simple food I can cook and eat and am slowly converging on a diet that works for me.

Hobbies: singing lessons are going well, although I am not very good, but I enjoy being an utter beginner. still yet to start practicing piano properly. Discovered a new podcast that resonates with me right now: https://petermcgraw.org/podcasts/solo/ as well as this guy: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7mceb_t8EIs (I don't think I have ever laughed so hard in my life... I am talking about raw uncontrollable laughter)

Work: strangely, I've been enjoying it

Fitness: meh, I enjoy long walks while listening to podcasts when I feel like it, but I have done zero strength training. This needs to change.

Dating: What a shitshow. I went on a date with only one girl and since she lives closeby, and I feel lukewarm about her at best. I LJBFed her and we went on a few extended walks around the neighborhood. In general, nobody really captures my attention, and it really saddens me. I want to feel "FUCK YES" about someone. I guess I'll focus on friendships and work and maybe try being ethically non-monogamous, although I am not sure I am wired for that.

Crusader
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Location: Toronto, Canada

Re: Crusader's Journal

Post by Crusader »

February 2021 - $2162 (month 5/60)

The best month so far. Room for improvement for next month:
-> ALL food bought in bulk at Costco
-> finish the damn Coursera courses so that I don't pay for them any more
-> no alcohol purchases

Crusader
Posts: 342
Joined: Wed Aug 19, 2020 11:16 pm
Location: Toronto, Canada

Re: Crusader's Journal

Post by Crusader »

March 2021 - $5227 (month 6/60)

So... looking back at what I set out as goals from February, I definitely failed... except that I really don't remember buying or drinking much alcohol. I have never been a huge drinker, and I got to the stage that whenever I do drink alone, I regret it, so this goal wasn't hard. I am going to try to make a rule whereby I only am allowed to drink on the odd occasion that arises when I am with other people. I really only have one group of friends that I drink with and they are all in Serbia, so I don't see them often anyway.

Regarding food and healthy eating, I failed miserably. I am coming to the conclusion that I have to treat nutrition as any other "addiction". One cheat meal per week turns into a daily cheat meal and before you know it, I eat pizza and McDonald's (or equivalent) every day. Although I didn't put it in practice yet, I decided that the only way for me to move forward was to follow a strict diet (that is doable, i.e. eating generally what I like) with no cheating (unless I guess I am having dinner with friends but this happens really rarely these days). I decided to churr some credit card and buy a $2000 Costco gift card, which is why the monthly expense is so high (I decided against not including it in the month, to make my accounting simple).

As for the Coursera courses, again, I failed miserably. I still have to figure out my system to get stuff done (i.e. not procrastinate).

Crusader
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Location: Toronto, Canada

Re: Crusader's Journal

Post by Crusader »

April 2021 - $2243 (month 7/60)

This month has been mostly getting back on track. Most of the food I ate has been preparing stuff I bought in bulk from Costco, and trying to figure out how to beat procrastination in general. I have also been exercising regularly. I also joined the mastermind group (viewtopic.php?f=5&t=11872) because I really wanted to finish some stuff I've been wanting to finish forever. The overall goal is to "declutter my life" by wrapping up the stuff that I should have already wrapped up, like:
-> now that I have a sizeable amount of cash in my bank account, figure out how to invest it in the most tax efficient manner
-> finish off some Coursera courses I've been procrastinating on (and still getting charged for... I would think me bleeding money every month for them would be motivation enough... but no)
-> get rid of stuff I don't need from my apartment
-> go through my backlog of travel photos, select and edit them

It became very obvious that only the first 2 items from the list will take months to accomplish, but at least I am getting started and being focused. Now is the time to do it, during quarantine. If not now, when? The mastermind group has been very helpful, and I am very grateful to be a part of it.

I have some observations. The need to spend money and the satisfaction that we get from it seems to me like a bit of an addiction. There was a period in my life when I was a smoker, i.e. addicted to cigarettes. You would smoke presumably to feel relaxed (while spending money and destroying your health), but it had nothing to do with cigarettes. You could have just as easily just taken a break or a walk or done some kind of meditation and achieved the same effect (without any of the harms). After you've stopped smoking for a while, it becomes difficult to understand why the hell anyone would smoke. I feel the same with spending money for "wants" as opposed to "needs". I think that spending money on some "wants" is justified, but a lot of them are the equivalent of a cigarette -> some short term perceived benefit, that doesn't hold up to scrutiny when examined. But, the addiction is real. I still feel the urge to buy that perfect set of tupperware because it is better than the one I have at home, or a better blender or whatever. I hope I can overcome it in time.

However, where the analogy with cigarettes breaks down is that we live in a society in which it is totally OK not to smoke, in fact, where I live (in Canada), it is more socially acceptable to not smoke than smoke. Only 15% of people in Canada smoke. However, it seems to me that still the majority of society is based on spending money and keeping up with the Jonses, so I worry that I am heading towards a lonely place.

ertyu
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Re: Crusader's Journal

Post by ertyu »

Crusader wrote:
Mon May 24, 2021 10:08 am
Most of the food I ate has been preparing stuff I bought in bulk from Costco,... I have also been exercising regularly.
Nice work, I know cooking more was one of your goals
The need to spend money and the satisfaction that we get from it seems to me like a bit of an addiction.
It causes you to feel good immediately and predictably. Sometimes directly, e.g. because you've bought brie and brie is delicious. Sometimes indirectly, because it seems to offer a shortcut to the achievement of a goal: spending money on exercise equipment is a great way to feel like you're committed to exercise, progressing, etc. without having ever actually broken sweat. Having a nice suit, or a brand pair of jeans, or an iPhone or whatever your poison is, could be a shortcut to feeling successful and like one has status. Spend money, get the good chemicals. Might not be crack, but it's not neutral either.

Crusader
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Location: Toronto, Canada

Re: Crusader's Journal

Post by Crusader »

ertyu wrote:
Mon May 24, 2021 11:50 am
Spend money, get the good chemicals. Might not be crack, but it's not neutral either.
Yes, exactly. I found that for some things, it's pretty obvious when the spending is crack-like, but for some others it isn't. You can overdo being cheap. For example, I would never refuse a social gathering that is at, say, a restaurant, only because I would usually not eat at a restaurant myself (because I would spend 5-10 times of my daily food budget). At the same time, if I was traveling to Spain and wanted to experience the local tapas along with live flamenco, I probably would eat alone at a restaurant. So, it gets tricky... I think the ultimate litmus test is: "would I regret spending this money after I cool off, say in 1 month's time?"

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Viktor K
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Re: Crusader's Journal

Post by Viktor K »

Hi Crusader, I enjoy your writings and hope you’re doing well. I want to ask, what are your Coursera courses for?

Crusader
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Location: Toronto, Canada

Re: Crusader's Journal

Post by Crusader »

Viktor K wrote:
Mon May 24, 2021 8:55 pm
Thank you! I think I am doing well. Here are the courses I am doing right now or did in the past:

Algorithms Specialization - https://www.coursera.org/specialization ... ms#courses
Cryptography I - https://www.coursera.org/learn/crypto/home/welcome
Concurrency in Go - https://www.coursera.org/learn/golang-c ... me/welcome
Functional Programming Principles in Scala - https://www.coursera.org/learn/progfun1/home/welcome
Build a Modern Computer from First Principles: From Nand to Tetris - https://www.coursera.org/learn/build-a- ... me/welcome
HTML, CSS and JavaScript - https://www.coursera.org/learn/html-css ... me/welcome
Front-End Web UI Frameworks and Tools - https://www.coursera.org/learn/web-fram ... me/welcome
Algorithmic Toolbox - https://www.coursera.org/learn/algorith ... me/welcome
Fundamentals of Computing Specialization - https://www.coursera.org/specialization ... ls#courses
(I believe all or most of these are available for free)

I ended up being a programmer (by choice, really) with an Electrical Engineering degree so I feel/felt the need to learn the stuff I wasn't taught in school. I also don't think I am a very good programmer so I want/wanted to level up my skills.

Crusader
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Re: Crusader's Journal

Post by Crusader »

May 2021 - $2611 (month 8/60)
(includes a flight ticket to Serbia priced at $1154, so this is probably actually a record month in terms of expenses)

In terms of expenses, this has been a good month. I think I had a perfect diet (only ate what I bought at Costco), and I also exercised 5 days a week. These things are slowly turning into a habit/routine. With the help of the mastermind group to guard against procrastination, I educated myself about portfolio management and financial planning, because I wanted to make my portfolio tax efficient (something that has been on my to do list for a while). Well, that mini-project is (almost) complete. I decided to go for an after-tax allocation of 30% fixed income and 70% globally diversified index portfolio, with a home (Canadian) bias. No currency hedging or factor tilting (or any kind of smart beta). Since I am using US based ETFs to get some foreign withdrawing tax advantages, doing taxes next year will be "fun". I also need to calculate the adjusted cost base of the stuff I sold in the taxable accounts, again to save on taxes. But, I think that my investment portfolio has been one thing that I don't need to worry about any more... I just need to re-balance it once a year, which is a great weight off the shoulder. I also need to writhe my will at some point.

The other thing that became apparent to me is that the 4% withdrawal rule is a pipe dream, for a couple of reasons:
-> it was created by looking at the historic data in 30-year-window chunks... 30 years is way shorter than how much a typical early retiree will live
-> I don't think that the stocks will return as much as they did over the periods that they looked at
In addition, my expenses seem to be higher than what I naively thought they would be (but we'll see what happens in the following years). And I still haven't solved the problem of "then what?" even I were to be able to retire in a few years. In general, the overwhelming feeling that I get is that I/we are always thinking that we are in some kind of a transitional period, and that our life will somehow be better... IF ONLY we do/had something or ONCE we don't have to work. This kind of elusive thinking is not good. I don't know what to do about it, though.

Something interesting happened at work. I work in a small day-to-day team with only 2 other coders and the project/product manager (but we are a part of a much bigger broader team). The other coder that I was kind of supervising was "a colleague from hell". He would make my work life difficult and we we would just tolerate each other at best (and have a dysfunctional toxic relationship at worst). It seems that he left to work for a company that, word is on the street, pays more than the company I work for, so I have to wonder if I can "do better"... if he can do it, so can I. But, I don't know if he will last at that new place and I don't know if I want the extra stress and responsibility. I kind of like being a part of this small team and I get along with my current team members. I also am helping out with interviewing new candidates for that and another more senior position, and I have been enjoying that, not least because I see how the hiring process works behind the scenes so that I can prepare better if/when I decide to leave. I don't think my work is terrible, GIVEN that I have to work (it is this assumption that I am trying to change). But... I get only 4 weeks of vacation (I would want more like 6 months) and I am expected to have this constant flow of productivity... I can't just work whenever I feel like it. I really envy people who say that they would do the work they do even if they weren't getting paid, but I wonder if they are deluding themselves as a coping mechanism.

Crusader
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Location: Toronto, Canada

Re: Crusader's Journal

Post by Crusader »

June 2021 - $4350 (month 9/60)
July 2021 - $4122 (month 10/60)
August 2021 - $4302 (month 11/60)
September 2021 - $2795 (month 12/60)


Hello after a long time. I haven't updated my journal or been to the forum in a while. I am glad I finally opened my bank accounts to look at the numbers, and they are not good. I finally have one year's worth of expenses and they are around ~40k when I account for the fact that I have a lot of strategic gift cards that I bought because I did some credit card churring this year. My conclusion is that churring is not worth my effort nor time. I think I'll only churr one credit card per year, if that. I will focus on reducing my expenses, especially the ones that are stupid -> alcohol and fast food.

I went on an extended vacation to Serbia, to visit my mom and childhood friends and I had a great time. Better than great, and when I realised that I would be comfortably FIRE if I lived in Serbia if I assume a 4% withdrawal rate, I seriously considered moving there. However, the more I thought about it from the perspective of it actually happening, the more I realized that I don't think I would be happy in Serbia. It is one thing to come for vacation to remind yourself of your past life in a nostalgic way, and something completely different if the country's problems become an everyday reality. Every time I come, I feel like comparatively, Serbia is doing worse than Canada. People are poor, political corruption is rampant and civil rights are not respected very much (in particular, homophobia and male-female duality and normative traditional values are very much alive and well there). Maybe more importantly, immoral behaviour (e.g. fucking someone or some institution over, evading taxes etc), and it really bothers me that this is not criticized. It felt like I would be moving backwards in life. I even went to a few Tinder dates to scout out the dating scene. The idea of dating one of those girls and settling down in Serbia just made me uneasy.

However, the other thing that makes me uneasy is living in the same apartment, working the same job, going to the same salsa dance parties for the next 20+ years. In many ways, my life was very conservative. Never taking risks and just falling into the easiest possible path. I worked in the same job since 2009. Maybe moving to Serbia feels bad, but what feels "alive" for me right now is getting a new job, preferably in some other country. I have my eye set on the Silicon Valley, given that I am a software developer. I started preparing for interviews and it's going well.

I have also been thinking a lot about ERE. I genuinely don't know what I would do once I am FIRE, so I do feel like I want to work for a while longer (hence my goal from the previous paragraph). What is depressing is that my expense numbers over the last year were pretty high and this is with me trying to reduce expenses. The low hanging fruits for me are: eating out and alcohol. I am not an alcoholic, but I do like my beer and really there is no reason for me to drink alone, I always regret it because of hangovers, as well as that it's fattening. Years ago, I used to smoke, and I feel similarly about alcohol how I felt about cigarettes.

My ERE goals for the next little while are:
-> no alcohol unless I am at some rare drinking social occasion
-> no eating out or ordering food (unless, again, it is some social occasion)

If I manage to get rid of these 2 bad habits, I think I will have a much better idea about my expenses "once I get my shit together", which is how I want to live my life long term anyway.

Western Red Cedar
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Re: Crusader's Journal

Post by Western Red Cedar »

Crusader wrote:
Sat Oct 23, 2021 7:38 pm
My conclusion is that churring is not worth my effort nor time. I think I'll only churr one credit card per year, if that. I will focus on reducing my expenses, especially the ones that are stupid -> alcohol and fast food.

My ERE goals for the next little while are:
-> no alcohol unless I am at some rare drinking social occasion
-> no eating out or ordering food (unless, again, it is some social occasion)
I also realized a while back that churning isn't really worth the mental bandwidth. I never really got deep into "churning" but started getting to the point of opening 1-2 cards per year. I still use cards strategically, but only open a new account every year or two.

One thing that has been really helpful for me in terms of cutting alcohol intake and restaurants is a focus on fitness. James Clear talks about an exercise or fitness habit as a keystone habit. Another big one is tracking expenses. The concept of a keystone habit is that it ripples into other areas in one's life and leads to multiple changes. It meshes really well with systems theory.

When I start working out with a focused goal and routine I find I'm more open to deep exploration of other topics to support my health and fitness goals. This includes sleep, nutrition, anatomy, psychology, stress, etc...

A dedicated exercise regime makes me less likely to drink or want to eat out at restaurants.

Best of luck on the ERE goals! Though I suspect willpower and routines will help you more than luck ;) .

Crusader
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Re: Crusader's Journal

Post by Crusader »

Western Red Cedar wrote:
Sat Oct 23, 2021 8:14 pm
fitness habit as a keystone habit. Another big one is tracking expenses
Thanks! I like fitness as a keystone habit. I have some fitness goals coming up for my birthday soon, and this is an extra reminder of why I should do it!

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