Methods and examples of highly developed social capital

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Alphaville
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Re: Methods and examples of highly developed social capital

Post by Alphaville »

Ego wrote:
Mon Jun 07, 2021 10:02 am
I respectfully disagree with this. Parties can be challenging, even for someone like me.

I know an extremely old guy who has so many people helping him he has to keep a schedule of their visits. Different people visit and deliver food to him on different days of the week. He gets so much that he cannot eat it all so he leaves it out for others to take for free because he enjoys interacting with the people and doesn't want the various friends to know he has others helping. The person who shops at Whole Foods comes on Tuesdays. The Costco person on Fridays. Ask me how I know.

For his entire career he was an elevator operator. He is incredibly skilled at short conversations that are meaningful. He becomes silent in larger groups.
oh, i thought you were asking a question, so i answered. if you knew the answer you wanted in advance then it was a trick question :D

but given your answer... i think we coincide partially , rather than disagree as a whole.

i mean... some people get free food brought to their quiet apartments--other people get fed for free in swanky mansions. one case does not exclude the other-- they both have social networks that sustain them.

not everyone who gets invited to a swanky mansion needs to have a mansion of their own. some people's presence is so valued at parties, they also get showered with invitations that require scheduling as well.

AxelHeyst
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Re: Methods and examples of highly developed social capital

Post by AxelHeyst »

Story of social capital:
DGF lived in a small but busy mountain town since 2016. Mostly doing nanny work. She’s extremely social and knows lots of people here. She became nomadic when we started dating, but still spends several months a year there.

During the pandemic, half of the Bay moved here. Many locals are getting evicted so landlords can renovate the space and sell it or Airbnb it or whatever. Housing is insane here now.

Since DGF has a ton of social capital in this town, when she wants work, all she has to do is post “Ill be in town soon!” On fb and people start PMing her with nanny gigs. She sets high rates, says yes to the jobs she wants, and no to the vast majority.

Most people cant even find and apt here, much less afford one. But she knows enough people that every time she comes back, 3-4 people have an extra room or basement apt that’s free and they’re willing to rent to her for locals prices or work trade. She chooses the best one.

The level of social capital required for this dictates a lot of time spent socializing, but her ideal lifestyle involves that level of socializing anyways so it’s not a “cost”, it’s an incidental yield.

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Re: Methods and examples of highly developed social capital

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7Wannabe5 wrote:
Thu Jun 03, 2021 2:16 pm
The practice of permaculture in an urban setting will also likely lead to social connections. For instance, mapping your site relative to watershed might lead to hiking along creek which might lead to meeting other people fishing or other people engaged in cleaning up that environment. I actually met my last permaculture partner because we both included permaculture as unusual key word in dating app, and I became involved in a larger community group led by one of his friends.
I did some thinking of how to apply your ideas to my own situation. I'm somewhat surprised that I couldn't even find one local permaculture group on Facebook or Meetup given that I live in a large metro area. There is a local gardening chapter that I may volunteer with although I don't really have an interest in growing ornamental flowers with a bunch of old ladies which I get the vibe is more their focus. I haven't mapped the local watershed yet but the water is too polluted to eat anything that comes out of it so I'm not sure how many people fishing I will see. My experience is that people are perhaps not as friendly or engaging with me in stranger contexts perhaps due to gender/biological biases. Muscle-y guy with somewhat serious expression (sorry that's my thinking face) reads as pretty threatening and less-approachable off the bat, even if I do my best to not give off that vibe. Add to that my introversion and you can understand why going out of my way in social situations takes a ton of energy. Sometimes it's to the point where I'm maxing out my social interaction energy on just dating, so it's hard to develop larger social networks if I don't already have something established.

So far my permaculture practices have lead to perplexion from one of my roommates and landlord, with perhaps my other roommate somewhat interested in some of the ideas. I've never once seen permaculture on a dating app profile. Maybe I'm on the wrong apps? I think I'm perhaps too clean cut (damn grooming regulations) and get stereotyped as uber-conservative redneck due to my job title.

Either way it's clear I need to add some kind of organized social interaction in my new location or else this cycle will just repeat itself. One of my friends volunteers with some kind of Big Brother/Big Sister organization to mentor a disadvantaged 7th grader, so perhaps I will try to do the same after I start my job and verify I can commit to something like that. I also have joining a MMA gym on my list, which should provide more of a community atmosphere because they have group classes.

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Re: Methods and examples of highly developed social capital

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white belt wrote:
Mon Jun 07, 2021 1:50 pm
My experience is that people are perhaps not as friendly or engaging with me in stranger contexts perhaps due to gender/biological biases. Muscle-y guy with somewhat serious expression (sorry that's my thinking face) reads as pretty threatening and less-approachable off the bat, even if I do my best to not give off that vibe. Add to that my introversion and you can understand why going out of my way in social situations takes a ton of energy. Sometimes it's to the point where I'm maxing out my social interaction energy on just dating, so it's hard to develop larger social networks if I don't already have something established.[…]
I also have joining a MMA gym on my list, which should provide more of a community atmosphere because they have group classes.
ummm... mma is not gonna take the edge off the other aspect in which you feel stereotyped :mrgreen:

i'll hook you up with some hippy links via pm and see if any offers starting clues. one is general for your area, the other is specific but might be far. you should be able to connect the dots though...

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Re: Methods and examples of highly developed social capital

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Alphaville wrote:
Mon Jun 07, 2021 2:39 pm
ummm... mma is not gonna take the edge off the other aspect in which you feel stereotyped :mrgreen:
Yeah I understand that but at a certain point I have to play to my strengths. My cushy desk job in the military compared to my previous infantry days makes me feel like I’m missing an outlet for some violence/aggression/competition in my day to day life. I also need an activity that forces me to interact with other people so I think it will fit the bill from a Web of Goals perspective, but we’ll see.

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Re: Methods and examples of highly developed social capital

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white belt wrote:
Mon Jun 07, 2021 3:31 pm
Yeah I understand that but at a certain point I have to play to my strengths. My cushy desk job in the military compared to my previous infantry days makes me feel like I’m missing an outlet for some violence/aggression/competition in my day to day life. I also need an activity that forces me to interact with other people so I think it will fit the bill from a Web of Goals perspective, but we’ll see.
find out what the generals are playing and get to work on it. golf? :lol:

but yeah, i hear ya, if you're good at something you're good at something.

nevertheless, that's just gonna be a bunch of dudes. dudes at work, dudes at play, dudes all day :P

branch out and maybe take ballroom dancing lessons or something. just a suggestion.

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Re: Methods and examples of highly developed social capital

Post by white belt »

Moving the discussion about my personal social/dating life to my journal to keep the thread on track.

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Re: Methods and examples of highly developed social capital

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AxelHeyst wrote:
Mon Jun 07, 2021 11:18 am
DGF
very nice, and a great example.

IlliniDave
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Re: Methods and examples of highly developed social capital

Post by IlliniDave »

A turn in the other thread got me thinking about this one.

Looking at professions, politicians and lobbyists are two that come to mind that leverage a lot of social capital. Business- and salespeople are crude private world analogs. Being "professionals" they are exchanging social capital mostly for money. But also the same sort of intangibles I think the discussion here is aimed at. All I think have principles at their core and methods that can be exploited for everyday IRL social capital for those that seek to maximize it.

I knew a wealthy man who lived a humble life and spent a large amount of it doing the things that build social capital. Served in WWII, active with scouting on multiple levels. Knew everyone in his neighborhood. Was the first to come around with homemade food when a neighbor was affected by death or illness or such. Small graduation gifts for everyone's kids. Volunteer work for conservation and other civic interests, church, etc. But as he got old enough he really did have to big-R retire (withdraw) from all those activities he wound up the stereotype old person left alone in failing health with no living family. I think the primary reason was that most people knew he was pretty well-to-do and assumed he didn't need anything. Maybe some even resented his money and weren't interested once he wasn't immediately useful.

So, looking at it transactionally, all his accumulated capital didn't translate beyond the season and ecosystem in which it was invested. What it did buy him was a more fulfilled life while he was able to be active. He was a gregarious kind-hearted extrovert without a family (see WWII) and his investment in social capital was paid out on an ongoing basis. It was a means of optimizing his life given the nature of person he was.

Sporadically following this discussion has led me think about a list of things I would want from social capital. Maybe someday I'll spew it in a journal thread. So far it is modest. Despite being a strong-I on MBTI, I'm not a recluse, nor painfully shy. I'm easily able to be personable/neighborly, enjoy people and make friends. I cultivate that to the point it pushes the limits of my endurance. It seems to satisfy my basic human need for community, but if I push it further I will quickly teeter on the edge of crashing and burning. I've flirted with that threshold enough in life to have a solid idea where it lies, and no desire to cross it.

It's a fascinating topic and sometimes I wish I had fewer native limitations in that realm. I still get the sense that sometimes it's best to approach in a more instantaneous sense where the payoff is the social interaction itself. For most introverts that means in modest doses. For my part I'm comfortable in my own skin and with people in general. For people battling social awkwardness (my one-time nemesis during a portion of adolescent life) pushing the bounds of comfort zones is a self-discovery exercise. I think some people get described or self-identify as introverts, when they in truth are not.

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Re: Methods and examples of highly developed social capital

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@iDave really interesting. Do you (or anyone) have thoughts or observations on how to avoid being lonely old person? Any stories of elderly with no family who still managed to be socially engaged and in a support network through to their ends?

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Re: Methods and examples of highly developed social capital

Post by Jin+Guice »

I think on the top level, what's been said about giving more than you get is important.

However, I think giving without anticipation of return, which means giving without resentment, one has to know how and whom to take from and how to do it gracefully.

I'd be remiss to say this if we were a forum of in your face wallstreet breauxs, but on a forum of quiet nerds, I think learning how to "manipulate" people has its place.


It's best not to think of these as purely exchange relationships, like on does with financial capital*. I have some friends who I almost exclusively give goods/ services to and others who I almost exclusively take them from. Unpacking my own strategy, I'm more inclined to find people that I like and then figure out what those people can "do for" me, rather than look for people who can do stuff for me and then hope that I like them. Otherwise I use word of mouth and the internet to find people to do specific things (dating apps for dates, craigslist/ other musicians for musical references, ERE for ERE mastermind groups...).

*Ideally the exchange of social capital is mutual. Example: Technically the drummer for the band I'm starting plays drums for me and I play guitar for him, but really we just hang out and do shit we like to do anyway with a common goal. So more of an incidental yield for both of us. Would I hang out with him if he didn't play drums? I probably would've never met him. If I also find out that he knows how to repair clothes, which is something I'm trying to learn to do, then I'm going to hang out with him more.



So with this in mind, I recommend allowing yourself to be open to the mindset of "using" people to "get things" from them and learning tactics of how to ask for things, how to make relationships mutually beneficial and how to "persuade**" people and how to accept things graciously. In order to do this with any real skill it's also necessary to learn how to ask without expectation and how to give without resentment, because truly the more you give the more you will receive.

**It's quite difficult to get people to do things they don't want to do for a prolonged period of time. Persuasion mostly works bc: people don't know what they want; you appeal to someone's emotions (often without someone's knowledge bc they believe they operate logically and not emotionally); you appeal to someone's fantasy/ desires (often these are secret and need to be discovered); you find a way to make the thing you want mutually beneficial.

This all sounds very nefarious, but it's actually not. From a more positive perspective you are making a person feel good, fulfilling a secret dream of theirs, finding mutual benefit or, at worst, exploiting their own indecisiveness (which by definition they should be indifferent to).

I only recommend this to people who are a little reserved about doing it. If you already feel manipulative and like you're using people, I'd recommend learning how to be more honest and clear and better at giving. The goal isn't to view people as resources to be exploited, but to know how to extract what you need when you need it in a way that is at least acceptable to and ideally benefits both parties. I'm not 100% sure if I understand this, but I think it's the difference between Kegan 2 and Kegan 4, but sounds most scary to Kegan 3.


Introversion can be a social asset. Extroverts, my god, the ceaseless talking. Not everyone likes this. There is power in only saying interesting, smart and funny things infrequently. There is power in making your availability scarce. Extroverts get more practice speaking and interacting, which is their power. But they are usually uncomfortable with silence. Many but not all of them are terrible listeners. Many of the are uncomfortable being alone.

It's difficult for me to believe anyone on an internet forum is not "interested in people." Again, there is an asset in being interested in the breeders and their ceaseless discussion of the weather, their jobs, their families, their awful McMansion lawncare schemes and themselves. This is not the only strategy available. Firstly, these people almost definitely have one interesting thing about them, so if you are surrounded by them, figure out how to cut to the chase quickly. Secondly, it is possible to hang out with people who won't subject you to these discussions.




I also want to propose the idea that, while it's popular to view "social capital" as something that is exchanged for economic/ financial capital, the first world is a world of staggering economic wealth but also a world of relative social and emotional poverty. Many our unaware of the ways in which they are socially/ emotionally impoverished and use or attempt to use financial or economic capital to fill these (often subconscious) holes. There does however exist a social and emotional "economy" of: attention, friendship, focus, compliments and emotional support. Learning how this economy functions is, imo, as important as mastering the financial markets.



I'm also interested in anyone who knows old people who aren't lonely/ alone w/o pure familial support. This is a fear of mine bc I do not plan on having children and my family is not close.

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Re: Methods and examples of highly developed social capital

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Jin+Guice wrote:
Tue Jun 08, 2021 12:33 pm
I'm also interested in anyone who knows old people who aren't lonely/ alone w/o pure familial support. This is a fear of mine bc I do not plan on having children and my family is not close.
ive seen old folks band together with others in multigenerational cohousing situations. but yeah, cohousing allows a bit of that... better than senior citizen communities, which tend to be a bit of a horror.

eta: found you a quick link not sure if same as ive witnessed

http://www.sharedhousingofneworleans.org/

the ones ive seen are more like... i'll post link if i find

https://www.cohousing.org/multigenerational-cohousing/

maybe you can start building one

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Re: Methods and examples of highly developed social capital

Post by IlliniDave »

AxelHeyst wrote:
Tue Jun 08, 2021 10:03 am
@iDave really interesting. Do you (or anyone) have thoughts or observations on how to avoid being lonely old person? Any stories of elderly with no family who still managed to be socially engaged and in a support network through to their ends?
Jin+Guice wrote:
Tue Jun 08, 2021 12:33 pm
... I'm also interested in anyone who knows old people who aren't lonely/ alone w/o pure familial support. This is a fear of mine bc I do not plan on having children and my family is not close.
There was a old man that lived in one of the apartments across the alley from my parents house, who was friendly with my folks and when I was a little kid used to take me fishing with him every now and again. I don't recall him ever mentioning children or other family. As far as I know he had one friend who died while they were out hunting together around the time I started HS. As a widower in his 70s he became a deacon and in that vocation a good share of his activities involved visiting nursing homes and hospitals and, as they were called back then, shut-ins (people who were homebound for various reasons). The last time I saw him he was 91 and still going strong. He died a couple years later. Since I had moved away I don't know what his last months were like. I suspect he was an introvert by nature. I don't remember him before he was a widow, and aside from the one friend I mentioned, and a housekeeper that came by once every week or two, he seemed like a guy content to go about his business on his own terms. There seems to be a poetic justice to this guy who used a lot of his time in his old age to reach out to people in various types of isolation to inject social interaction into his own later years.

Another thing that occurred to me. When I was a kid in the scouts we would periodically go to the "local" nursing home to deliver flowers to residents on Mother's Day and sing Christmas Carols on Christmas Eve. This home was the county-owned facility for the area so it was a tough place to visit, especially when your visit was targeting those who really had no one else. "Scarring" isn't the right word, but it left a permanent impression. Watching a 90- or 100-year old woman try to cry over a trivial gesture like a handful of flowers isn't something one forgets easily. Of course, others would get pissed and remind you that you and your friends weren't breaking any new ground when you learned your first few cuss words. :)

But in the facility there were common areas where residents would gather to play cards or bingo or just watch TV together. I'm sure many of them had family nearby who visited, as I'm sure some did not. Not a fantasy lifestyle, but those who were able to participate seemed to enjoy their time together. I don't know that you'd call a few "friends and neighbors in the nursing home" a win socially, but these people seemed to have made the best of the situation they found themselves in.

There's a distinction between alone and lonely. I try to know where the line between contented solitude and loneliness lies for me. It's not a static divide--the line moves around over time. I've tried to match my social capital portfolio to that, rather than trying to create a rainy day fund with it, or bank so much that it becomes a primary component in how I will meet my day-to-day needs. Where some people are comfortable retiring with a distinct possibility that they might have to use some future time to generate additional monetary resources, I'm pretty comfortable about retiring knowing that I'll have some adjusting to do in the social capital realm on occasion. Alluding to something Jacob said in another thread, it feels very artificial for me to talk about social capital as some thing I possess or not. It's woven into life/lifestyle very thoroughly, almost like air and water.

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Re: Methods and examples of highly developed social capital

Post by Campitor »

If you want to find out who is really your friend just make note how many times you're invited to get together when there's no "capital" to be exchanged except for pleasantries and/or shared interests.

I have friends who invite me over just to talk or have dinner. Then I have "friends" who only invite me over so at the end of the evening they can ask for my "help" on a home improvement project. The former are my true friends and the latter are just people bartering a meal for my expertise.

I don't make friends with any expectation of getting anything in return except for good company nor do I help people expecting quid-pro-quo exchanges (friend or non-friend). Life shouldn't be reduced to doing things in expectation of getting things back - that's was capitalism is for - not friendship.

“The true meaning of life is to plant trees, under whose shade you do not expect to sit.”

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Re: Methods and examples of highly developed social capital

Post by 7Wannabe5 »

@Campitor:

Maybe your perspective would be different if your primary love language was Acts of Service rather than Quality Time? For instance, I have friends with whom I can’t/don’t share intellectual conversation, but they will always make me a bowl of soup.

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Re: Methods and examples of highly developed social capital

Post by Campitor »

@7wb

I understand what you're saying. True friends will always demonstrate some act of service even if it's just picking you up and dropping you off to hang out. The difference is when you only go over when acts of service are involved and nothing else.

Hiking in the woods requires no exchanges of words. I have friends that talk very little but love hanging out just to do things like fishing, hiking, swimming, etc. Not much conversation - just smiles.

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Re: Methods and examples of highly developed social capital

Post by BookLoverL »

I certainly would not call myself an example of highly developed social capital, but I do think I've managed to bring my general socio-emotional skills up from "abysmal" to "ok" over time, in that I actually *have* more than one total friend now and also can perform well enough socially to impress at a job interview.

I started with reading blogs/books and also watching social skills youtube videos, but ultimately in all those cases, things worked best when I combined them with practice. So each time, I would identify a social skills task I was struggling with, look up tips about that, *and then practise them the next time I talked to someone*. Generally when I did this I felt an immediate improvement in the length and quality of conversations I had.

One thing that was very important for me to learn is that if you don't bother to seek people out, they often won't bother to seek you out. So you can't wait around until the other person remembers you exist - if you want to get closer to them, you need to go ahead and get in touch with them. And the more time you spend with them overall, whether that's in person or talking over some sort of messaging, the closer you'll become. So if you are thinking, "I have no friends and I'll never have any friends!" but also you haven't talked to someone on purpose for months, well, that is probably why. And if you do tend to be bad at remembering to message people (I'm very guilty of this), don't start every message by apologising for not talking more often, just go on to whatever you actually wanted to talk about. If you apologise each time for not talking I found you just get in a cycle where the whole conversation is spent apologising which isn't a great vibe honestly and caused me some communication issues when I did it.

If it's not socially acceptable in your area to talk to strangers on the street, or if you just don't have the confidence to do that, the main other ways of meeting people are by going to some sort of meetup / group / hobby class, or by getting people you already know to introduce you. If you meet someone intriguing at a meetup or group then you will need to follow up at some point by asking them for contact details and then remembering to contact them or you'll end up having them as an acquaintance that you only ever talk to at the group. With the introduction method, this can be a great method if one of your friends or family members is a lot more socially skilled than you, because you can get them to do the scary part of initiating the conversation in the first place, and you get an initial boost in the conversation by being introduced by someone who is already making a good impression. But again, if you want the new person to be *your* friend and not just your mum's friend or your friend's friend you will need to talk to them of your own accord afterwards. Basically, all social relationships need to be maintained by occasionally dropping someone a message at minimum, or people will assume you're not interested.

Also, as has been mentioned, while it is possible to have a lot of social connections while being emotionally not skilled, a sound base in emotional skills will improve the quality of all your relationships.

This includes things like knowing when and to whom it's appropriate to vent. Complaining and venting is a healthy part of dealing with negative emotions, but I've found that if you vent to the wrong places or people, it can cause issues, so it's best to match up your venting to people who you know will be down to sympathise with you on that particular thing. And in general, more broadly, it's ok to have different friends or groups of friends for different things. For instance, if I wanted to talk about money, I would talk about it here, not to my friends who are WL0 or WL1. If I want to vent about being upset by a family member, I will take it to a close friend I know will sympathise, or to a discord server I'm in where that sort of content is welcomed. If I want to ramble about the latest fictional series I'm obsessed by I will talk to friends who I know are into that sort of thing. If I want to vent about certain political issues that I don't hold a mainstream view on I message my friend who is open to non-mainstream political theories. Basically, successfully matching the conversation content to the person tends to strengthen all of the relationships and avoid straining them.


Other emotional skills include healthy setting of boundaries and dealing with conflicts. Getting these in place means the friendships are far less likely to blow up in your face further down the line.


The other thing I tend to do these days which is a change from when I was younger is that I try to assume that everyone has something potentially worth befriending them over. I used to have a bit of a superiority complex about being smart, or about people who watch soaps and suchlike, but these days, I try not to judge people before I know them, but just be open to whatever connection can come about. People who don't have the same strong points as you often have different strong points that can really benefit you, and you never know what you'll learn from someone or what sort of unexpected things you might find out. And you can find that you get to at least friendly acquaintance level with people you thought were quite different from you.

Ultimately the point of befriending people isn't just transactional and getting them to do stuff for you. The connections have value all by themselves, you've got to see your friends as *friends* and not some sort of social vending machine. And if something does come up that you know how to deal with easily and they don't, then it's your turn to put something into the relationship. This isn't always something that you see as a chore - for instance, I often take my ukulele to social gatherings. I like playing ukulele! But it still counts as me putting something into the friendship because my friends don't know how to play the ukulele and quite like having the option for some live music.

I think somehow in a larger social group, the group can also accomplish things a lot more easily than if everyone is just doing their own thing.

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Re: Methods and examples of highly developed social capital

Post by Scott 2 »

IlliniDave wrote:
Tue Jun 08, 2021 7:37 am
I still get the sense that sometimes it's best to approach in a more instantaneous sense where the payoff is the social interaction itself. For most introverts that means in modest doses.
I heartily agree with this. I spent too long fighting my nature, faking extroversion, exhausting myself in hopes of greater rewards. It's not worth it.

I enjoyed Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking

https://www.amazon.com/Quiet-Power-Intr ... 0307352153

Most people aren't going to be good at all the things. That's ok.

ertyu
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Re: Methods and examples of highly developed social capital

Post by ertyu »

AxelHeyst wrote:
Tue Jun 08, 2021 10:03 am
@iDave really interesting. Do you (or anyone) have thoughts or observations on how to avoid being lonely old person? Any stories of elderly with no family who still managed to be socially engaged and in a support network through to their ends?
symbiosis with other elderly.

i have also heard of it being common for australian retirees to go live in thailand or the philippines and make arrangements with a local family to care for them as the money would go much further.

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Re: Methods and examples of highly developed social capital

Post by 7Wannabe5 »

Why I am currently planning on developing two different co-housing/work compounds with the last of my vigor. One in the city with other humans interested in permaculture and one in more rural/recreational area with my sisters. There are only 5 members of next generation and they are all adults who have not yet had any children themselves. Twenty-one years with no babies born, so we need to plan on fending for ourselves. Third option will be semi-dependence on my triad of polyamours until the Boomer generation of men dies off. Actually, that’s already a thing I do at the level of trading care after hernia surgery for drive to colonoscopy etc. (sigh)

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