This forum is bringing back many of my early-20s dreams. I was determined to live in a van, or even my subaru, when I moved to CO for instance. I also went through large spats of extreme minimalism and did things that were frowned upon by others--in fact a lot of things were attributed to mania when I do not believe it is the case at all--things such as using only candles for light and washing clothes by hand. I had forgotten that this forum allowed such trains of thoughts, so have been somewhat filtering myself to not come across as crazy. I am now realizing that this forum supported my crazy, and I'm wondering what the hell happened in the meantime. For example--discussing my toilets several entries back and mentioning how I need to turn the water on and put my hand in the tank to close the flap before flushing I was embarrassed to type out, but now reading back I realize the judgement from this space would be more on me buying a new toilet instead of figuring out how to replace the flappy thing.
I have a lot of ideas and dreams that I have learned to squash, and I am having fun reading these forums and seeing other's creativity--making me feel like that's something I can do too. I would, for instance, love to get rid of the microwave. I have even began to think about getting rid of the dryer, or MAYBE even the washer and dryer. I will not do these things anytime soon, I am going to slowly introduce these thoughts to our household and prove they can be done before mentioning removing anything--and i am not going to force him into anything he is not comfortable with. He does not like engaging in grand ideas, but when it comes down to it, he is infinitely more sustainable and frugal than I am. I tend to engage in flights of fancy but he is rock steady. So maybe JUST the dryer, and thinking about how much extra space that simple act brings makes me very happy.
Aesthetically, I have long had dreams of free standing cabinets, hutches, and pantries--and a long work table--more like kitchens pre 1920s. I also really don't like having "open" spaces, our kitchen has a large window that looks into the living room, I'm thinking of covering that after reading others talks about outdoor kitchens and keeping homes efficient in summer heat.
But, what is different now--and what I'm having a lot of fun observing the difference in, is the patience I have to implement these ideas. It's also something new when it comes to frugality, gardening, etc. Impulse is likely the biggest problem of my disorder. Why not ease myself back into these thoughts slowly, make sure they stick and it's not a simple fantasy I'm engaging in, and slowly change our home? This month, we are focusing on keeping electricity down since we decided to go without AC. I've gardened only with what I have, no big projects and buying to try and make our home green all of a sudden.
This small habit approach, which I only learned recently for myself, has been doing amazing things for me. I am realizing I have to take a lot of what is said in the blog about your 20s with a grain of salt, as I think emotionally and maturity wise I am 10 years behind, and I am okay with that--just very grateful to even be at this point.
Last year, the most ill I had ever been for instance, my step count on my phone shows an average of about 300. I was also beginning to get hypertension and my joints were locking up if I did decide, in a manic frenzy, to have activity in my life. Doctors were convinced I had RA or Lupus but all tests came back negative--I think it was actually that I was really that unhealthy and the extreme amount of stress the online spaces I was in were bringing me. I was in some radical feminist spaces, often going out of my way to argue with others, and received hate groups revolved around me and doxxing attempts with threats to rape me several times over. Why I spent my time here, I don't know. Easier than actually doing something with my life I suppose. I would order takeout for every meal, sometimes totaling $60 or more a day.
My first goal was to delete the app (discord) I was spending my time on and take my medicine consistently. Those were my only goals for a month. Then brushing my teeth once a day, then eating one handful of raw greens. Right now I have about 12 habits (I add 2-3 each month) and have been consistent for 6 months. I am doing something as simple as "walking 5k steps"--and have lost 10 lbs just from these very small habits.
The other BIG thing I've realized is that someone sharing my values does not make them a good person or a worthy suitor. I was always largely bitter and judged M--I wanted someone who had big dreams and "things they cared about." When we broke up, I dated two such people. One was a man-boy obsessed with permaculture and green design. He was, as far as I can tell, a reformed incel and was also 60k in debt while living in a trailer park with his father. His mom would buy him lbs and lbs of organic produce and then we would slowly smell it rot in his trailer. He was also a drunk, and I paid for everything. Having just moved to CO, he was the first person I had ever met that was into "these" types of things, and was enthralled, only to realize your interests don't make you a great person. (Uh-oh--perhaps subconsciously I began to self reflect on this, but not without many more mistakes to be made).
I then dated a man in his mid 40s who seemed like a dream. He live in the Pacific NW and had a pack of goats that he'd take elk hunting with him on multi week long excursions. He was extremely handsome, seemed stable, and seemed at the least financially responsible in the way most of culture deems responsible. I noped out of there pretty quickly as all signs pointed to fetishizing my youth (at the time)--(talks of my "cute little body," baby talk, etc etc). Despite being non-religious, he quoted things such as the wife "loving, honoring, and OBEYING" and wanted me to move up and live with him within several months of talking. He told me having a child would cure me of my mental illness. LOL
After these experiences I had the SHOCKING revelation that someone's interests and dreams says nothing about the kind of partner or even person they are. It made me self reflect--I had often, I believe subconsciously and smugly, believed I was better than others because my interests were more interesting and my dreams more grand. Looking back, I believe I was really a selfish and shit person to most people around me. My interests were largely dissociative fantasies that I never took any action on, or when I did, it was without intention and was mostly just a future mess to clean up. I dragged people in my life with me on these projects whether they wanted on or not, and they never saw completion. I was then frustrated as I got the knowing smile and nod when my next grand project was explained. I think it was the realization of the above that led me to the very awful... slump? What would I call it--not sure. Perhaps I can call it "Death of the ego" and try and feel good about the fact that a year of my life was wasted in such a way.
So it feels like a very fresh read on this mindset that I am revisiting in this wonderful community. The realization that the choices made in these journals are done very intentionally, with purpose and thought--and not a string of impulsive actions meant to escape. My impulse before prevented me from ever making any actual change, besides my savings rate being higher than normal in my early 20s. ERE at that point in my life was selfishly about escape and it was often used as a tool to further isolate me (not going to bridesmaid showers/reception dinners/get-together/family trips with M's family) and look down on others meanwhile doing nothing myself. I recognize now there is another type of capital--which is social capital. Being different may knock off some points from that, it's true. But being a selfish asshole with no regard for anyone else will have you in debt before you even get started, and that's where I was before, wrongly prescribing the debt to my simple "difference" than others and not, what I almost think was intentional--the impact of being a narcissistic shit-bag with no regard for other boundaries, wants, dreams.
Part of my ERE goal is to have M in my life forever--for several reasons but mostly because I love him. Other reasons include the ease of having another person to rely on and share the burden of saving and spending. His steadfast stability and presence in my life is an extreme benefit for my mental health. I have struggled with this as I felt it was anti-feminist but I really don't think there is anything anti-feminist about the realization that in order to keep someone in your life, you should probably make it worth it to them. There are probably better ways of saying that like "You need to show appreciation and feel like you are in a partnership"--but my stupid brain did not realize that your external actions impacted people more than your internal feelings, and that internal feelings are not the dictator of reality. So instead of feeling self pity that my joints hurt and spending three days in bed, not contributing to either rent, cleaning, or cooking--I make sure to do everything I can so my joints feels okay, I cook as often as I can, I try and make his life easier. My old feminist groups would be appalled, but they would have overlooked that while in my "slump" M was paying all of the bills, cooking all of the meals, cleaning, taking care of the dogs.
I do have to look at things this way--more, erm. Well, I don't know these things intuitively, or didn't. "If you are a net negative in someone's life, they will dislike you"
Who knew. I feel that with Mark, I am in a huge debt as far as social capital goes. He graciously does not bring this up, and still does things like brings me coffee in the morning or buys me flowers (yes, yes, very capitalist) when I'm having a bad day. I actually tend to cry when I think about the fact that he has, for some reason--decided to stick by me through my illness and also my plain shittiness. It was not until very recently that I began to accept this was due to something good that I cannot yet understand--some abstraction like "love"--perhaps tinged with codependency or whatever else--but ultimately I mean it is not done with malicious intent or machiavellian schemes. That is a big shift for me.
I have read that CPTSD and Autism are sometimes indistinguishable as far as traits go--but I want to preface that I understand for most people the above is "how to be a human 101." I sometimes truly wish I did have a manual like that. The important thing for me is to stop focusing on labels of why I am the way I am, or feeling pity, but taking action. I feel mental health advocacy, affirmative therapy, etc etc--did nothing but make me a perpetual victim and increased my selfish narrative. ERE also helps combat that--the toilets broken WAH, don't want to spend money WAH, everything is going wrong WAH WAH WAH. Then I see someone like 7wannabe's journal of demoing and redoing an entire house, and having fun doing it. Perhaps this culture encourages victimhood because that increases dependence and consumption--but for some reason I thought the mental health community would not be impacted. My time spent deep in the trenches of mental health advocacy left me far worse than I was before. I have to be careful here, though, because I start questioning meds as well--and I cannot afford to do that.
I still set it up, and use it for my tree and some ornamental plants when we're in a drought. I don't know if even that is good.