7Wannabe5- Take 6

[classical_Liberal]

...

[7Wannabe5]

i guess it’s the achoring cognitive bias at work when you start with “we need a new apartment!”

My anchoring cognitive bias is more like "I'm outta here!" Maybe need for "room of my own" was not the best description of the problem. Probably more like need to clearly boundary "life of my own." My relationship with The Cowboy is quite domestic, but not at all committed, and that's how I like it. Something that might be difficult to understand from the perspective of somebody who is in phase of life or strong preference for "Me and my partner = we = my family" is that any relationship I form with a man at this phase of my life is more likely to interfere with my already well-formed family relationships, consisting of "The Sisters" and "Me and My Adult Kids and Theoretical Future Grandkids." And, beyond this reality is the fact that I am a very independent-minded person who prefers to mostly do her own planning and decision-making.

So, most obvious solution might be simply buying my own house or renting my own apartment, and I am not entirely writing this off in the future. However, I like the notion of being poly-home-erous. The extended family camp up north will give me someplace to do some gardening, store some stuff if I get the accumulation bug, and joint hostess family get-togethers. We intend to buy acreage with some sort of grand-fathered in structure already in place, so code will allow us to build tiny "cottages" and/or park a camper or two. I like the idea of creating a place where any member of the extended family can just crash or take a sabbatical season. So, I would only possibly use my tent there in the very short run. The tent will serve more as my short-run escape hatch. Like I might go "on the lam" to the Smokey Mountains next month or to South Carolina in January. I like camping/hiking in cool weather, so I can zip off in my Smart Car to achieve that pretty cheaply and easily. The Cowboy has a van and a shed on his acreage, so when I camp with him, I don't need one myself. Van seems like over-kill, and I don't really like driving them.

It's possible that I will totally break up with The Cowboy and never get another BF, but that seems unlikely. More likely that I will maintain some kind of relationship with The Cowboy and get another BF (or two.) All I would really have to do is lose maybe 20 lbs of post-menopausal chub and go down to Florida. I am pretty much like crack on the golf cart driver scene and there are some guys in their 70s who seem sexy to me (For instance, the one who compared me to Zenyatta. )

One more option would be that I could move into anarchist co-op in the city where an old friend of mine is living and only paying $150/month rent, but I can't do that until after Covid vaccine. Also, I might put myself on the list for subsidized senior citizen apartment on the park in otherwise pricey college town. These two city living options would allow me to go car-free. Also, I could always get work as part-time/temp live-in nanny/pet-sitter/gardener. I think that's enough independent options for the time being to render my sketchy plan into a functional net. I just need to keep combined Shelter/Transportation expenses to approximately $400/month and I am gold!

[Alphaville]

oh, the “anchoring” i referred to was about my purchase of pricey headphones. since moving to bigger place means +$$$ every month, suddenly splurging in $$ headphones just once seems “cheap” by comparison. but that’s a cognitive bias of initial price information (the anchor), the fact is i could have tried much cheaper noise cancelling headphones and only escalate if needed. i still justify my ridiculous expense as “it’s cheaper than more rent!” . (worst of all, i don’t love the damn headphones, but they *do* cancel noise well. i might have gone murder-suicide with a lesser model. perhaps it’s okay, i’ll never know now.)

as for you, maybe some “road warrior” gear could be suitable, especially for places like a coffee shop or whenever you want to project a “leave me alone” image, ha ha ha.

i wholy support the “life of my own” path of course, and we’ve talked about it before, but I’m assuming that the choice will take some time to sort out, or it will just remain open indefinitelt. so, some road warrior gear is always handy when on the go, or in poly-home-erous circumstances, but just... don’t be an idiot like me when evaluating prices

(meanwhile, I’m waiting for prime day to see what happens to kindle prices. i wouldn’t mind a discount. again it’s the “it’s cheaper than a paper library” heuristic. seems i can’t help myself. but seriously, i love books, they just require too much real estate. hence, “a kindle is a lot cheaper than a house with a library!” might lead me astray hahaha. but it really is... ).

[7Wannabe5]

@Alphaville:

I got what you meant by your anchoring, I just did a bad job describing mine. This is an area in which I have already determined that my previous choices were "too cheap." For instance, choosing to stay with my increasingly decrepit bi-polar mother or my sister, who although otherwise quite amiable, occasionally suffers from extreme mental health moments and owns 4 large dogs. This time, when I went "on the lam" from sharing space with The Cowboy, I made the conscious choice to afford myself more delightful accommodations from which to frame choice of whether to return. What I was trying to explain was that since this is not a committed relationship, a decision made in tandem such as "we will get bigger apartment" was not so much an option, and negotiations are always going to take place within the free-to-leave frame. Thus, when I indicated to The Cowboy that I might stay "on the lam" indefinitely, because I was enjoying myself, his response was:

"Either way. Think it over. The apartment is very beautiful and comfortable if you want it. I enjoy being alone too. I also enjoy trying to take care of you."

Which I found appealing enough to choose to return for awhile, even though I know that "take care of you" in the mind of an ESTJ results in behavior which seems much more like "boss you around" to the mind of an ENTP.

Anyways, staying in a motel, even an off-season weekly/monthly rent one, is not affordable for me over the long run, so while I was in the area, I did a tour of a number of campgrounds and checked out the logistics of those who were tent camping in October in Northern Michigan, and I also did some reading on the topic of camping alone as a female. Since car-camping even in a Smart car provides a lot more room for gear than backpacking, I think I could Glamp it up to being even better than motel accommodations if I allow myself gear budget approximating cost of less than a month in a motel or AirBnB. I have done a good deal of camping over the years, but more frequently in camper/van/jeep than tent and always in the company of a male partner or group of people. I really love being alone in nature, and would like to take the opportunity to slowly conquer my fears/ improve my skills to the extent that I can eventually primitive camp on my own, but I am not there yet. I'm actually thinking that some sort of novel two tent set-up might work best for me in medium run. Another reason why the van option is not best for me is that "stealth" is one of its benefits, but any possibility of being rousted by authorities is particularly abhorrent to me, so highly unlikely that I would take much advantage of this option. Also, I am such a fall-of-the-cliff fetal sleeper, I could probably just curl up in the passenger seat of my car if it ever became needful.

[AxelHeyst]

Have you googled "smart car teardrop trailer"? Apparently it's an actual thing. You can get wee teardrops that are <400lbs, which even a smart car can handle. Teardrops solve a lot of problems with tents: don't have to set them up, they're more storm-proof, animal/pest proof, are warmer, most of them have a nice little kitchen setup out the back, and they're generally viewed as "respectable and fun", as in the most attention you're likely to garner is "omg honey that woman's setup is so CUTE let'sgotalktoher".

Canvas tents might be up your alley. https://www.canvascamp.com/en_us/sibley-300-deluxe They're more stormproof than nylon, will last longer, you can put a wood stove in them, can stand up in them. I have the 15' version of this tent. People overwinter in tents like these (I don't know about upnorth MI though...). Biggest downside is weight: mine is 100lbs, and even though I'm a strapping young lad I almost throw my back out every time I huck it in to the back of my truck. 50lbs (the smaller one I linked) may or may not be palatable to you.

[Alphaville]

i remember maybe we talked about this, but what about being a caretaker in that lake area during the off season?

i know, i know...



but seriously, what was the reason not to? i forget.

[7Wannabe5]

@AxelHeyst:

I have considered these options, but canvas will take up too much space in my car, and I don’t have good option for storing trailer when not in use, because I recently re-minimalized myself out of my $55/month storage locker which I was including as expense in Shelter category, and too high ratio of $$$ to cuteness. I should note that although I did live in the Keweenaw peninsula through a couple winters, and I did occasionally walk to school with baked potatoes in my pockets when I was a child, I have no intention of tent camping through the dead of North woods winter. I just want a set-up that would be adequate for first week in November in Michigan or January in South Carolina, so roughly in alignment with some bird migration
patterns.

That said, I agree that being off the ground with option for some sort of heat source other than my own body would be better. For reference, I have often slept in the back of an unheated van or Jeep with another human at temperatures down to around 30 Fahrenheit and I have often slept in A-Liner style pop-up in sun-zero temps with very small propane heater and other human. I have slept in an unheated very budget tent with very budget sleeping bag with another human in April in the Smokey Mountains. So long as I have a single burner propane ring I can make my coffee on in the morning, I am quite happy under these circumstances. I just need to figure out how to compensate for lack of the body heat coming from some reasonably well-muscled human male averaging around 190 lbs. I considered borrowing one of my sister’s dogs or cuddling with something like a solar shower bag?

Also, the combination of the Smart car and the fact that my appearance/demeanor is currently like that of your average chubby middle-aged hostess of a PBS Cake baking or birdwatching program gives me more than enough of a cute/harmless vibe.

@Alphaville:

I am pretty much burned out on any kind of caretaking at the moment, but it remains in my option portfolio for future use. I am pet-sitting for my daughter and son-in-law in a couple weeks. Part of the reason I decided to stay minimalist/mobile for the time being is I think it might be easier for me to buzz around and visit family and friends rather than planning on playing hostess myself in whatever little cottage I could afford.

[Alphaville]

oh, i meant caretaking of empty buildings, not people or animals. hence jack.

i think i mentioned a friend who lives in this little mansion 11 months out of the year... never sees the owners

(really nice digs. i’ve visited the petit château.)

mobile is good though especially if you have a fallback position, which you do.

[7Wannabe5]

From Intro to Permaculture thread:

hahaha! ok... but are you really unhealthy? you don’t “sound” unhealthy to me. i know that’s a weird thing to say, but you write more like someone who is conditioned to feel guilty about enjoying good food than like someone who is actually unfit and eats poorly and maybe has pre-diabetes

I yo-yo a bit (in more ways than one.) I am currently overweight both in terms of BMI and personal aesthetic,but I am not showing symptoms of metabolic syndrome or high blood pressure etc. My primary health problems at the moment are lingering bit of discomfort from sphincter tear and a bad flare-up of my asthma. Unfortunately, although I have been quite successful in the past at the task of losing weight and even maintaining the weight loss for as long as a decade, my motivation towards this success has usually been some dysfunctional combination of sex and anger.

So, the question I ask myself, given the possibility that the excess weight might lead to health problems in the future, should I resort to my usually reasonably successful strategy or founder about hoping to summon up more functional motivation?

I have also been asking myself why I haven’t broken up with The Cowboy given that we have at least 3 major realms of incompatibility, including the sexual. I tried to use the advice offered by the Heath brothers in “Decisive” to help me with these questions.

Somehow this led to the idea that what I ought to do is offer to pay The Cowboy some rent. Obviously, this was an attempt to take my extreme frugality out of the decision matrix combined with my lifelong complete lack of skill at facilitating break-ups. IOW, zero “just rip the freaking bandaid” ability. The Cowboy refused the rent, so then I had to resort to “wait until next time he behaves like a jerk and just blurt it out” method. So now we have kind of sort of agreed to break up “after COVID.”

So, now that the barrier of free rent living with a man who has never been particularly sexually interested in me has been removed, it is more likely that I will be able to take off most of the weight in time to start dating again after COVID. Frugality, sexuality, and gluttony form a difficult Venn diagram intersection zone from which to decide your way out of, especially when complicated by wimpiness.

[Alphaville]

wow, i see it’s quite the conundrum. everything connected. the phrase “some dysfunctional combination of sex and anger” made me laugh—it’s a good one.

i’ve read your post and just wanted to say that, before trying to answer more. was gonna say “i’ll mull it over” and i will.

but first a question: so you and tex are now basically friends? (“can we just be friends?”) nothing wrong with that, no? except it hampers your sex life due to covid restrictions, is the problem? no strangers allowed?

the other thing that jumps at me is that you hint at being stressed out underneath it all. so maybe the root cause of the weight gain and health issues is stress, just in different forms? i get the sense/idea that you’re trapped (and a trapped explorer is not a happy explorer.)

so the assumption i’m making is that you don’t want to be trapped, and breaking free would remove your main stressor. is this accurate?

anyway i have to go make pancakes for brunch (tasty tasty pancakes), but i’ll mull this over, and thanks for sharing, as they say.

[7Wannabe5]

I think you are likely right about the link between stress and feeling trapped and my health issues. The reason why this is not abundantly apparent to me is that I am a distracted eater, not a direct stress eater, but my stress reaction is spaced out distraction. So more like second order effect.

My relationship status with The Cowboy has always been difficult to describe. I was seeing two other men and he was on the rebound from three other women when we met, but we have somehow slouched into high level of domesticity and spending a great deal of time in each other’s company. Initially I would have described our vibe as a middle aged version of the guy who you date your last year of high school, because it might be fun to have a date for the prom, but neither of you have any thought of it being more than that.

Dating other men during COVID while still living with him seems super complicated. I don’t think he would be jealous exactly (but you never can know),maybe more like envious of the fact that it will be easier for me to date other people, because I am female and not a grouch. Also, one of our three major realms of incompatibility is that he has The Supervisor personality type. It is entirely possible that he would attempt to supervise my dating of other men and that would be intolerable.

[Alphaville]

ok, so, paring down to the most essential facts—even if you’re just roomies, you don’t make good roomies because he likes to be in charge, and you don’t enjoy that?

[7Wannabe5]

Eh, I think most men like to be in charge, so it’s not that. It’s more his manner of being in charge. I need a lot of line. Also, it would be kind of out of whack if I was having sex with somebody who was less take charge than him because I am primarily sexually submissive.

This kind of goes back to the likely idiotic theory I came up with when I first started practicing polyamory. I thought that maybe if I was having sex with three different dominant guys then there would be this sort of neutral hole in the middle where I could not be bothered while still having lots of hawt sex on the fringes.

[Alphaville]

i see. but i’m trying to get to some essential ground before all those things, as a matter of logical analysis.

i guess the essential question being: do you like him as a roomie or no?

(i’m sort of hearing a no?)

[7Wannabe5]

I like going out and doing fun things with him. I like traveling with him. I like staying with him for a few days at a time. I don’t like sharing a primary residence with him, and I don’t think I would like for him to visit me at my own residence and attempt to supervise me.

[Alphaville]

right, you don’t hate the man, you just get stressed by the cohabitation. i get it. e.g., i like scotch, just not as a water replacement lol. *and nobody likes a controlling roommate*

so you dont need to “break up” with the guy, and you can keep seeing him (or not), but it sounds to me you just need your own domain, yes? i seem to recall you recently had a little hotel vacation.

is that your major roadblock to peace at the moment? lack of a home base?

[7Wannabe5]

Likely, but I don’t see how I am going to become unstuck until after COVID. I have been window shopping for houses I could afford to buy with cash.

[Alphaville]

what’s the problem with covid? i mean technically. maybe that’s something that could be solved?

[ertyu]

7w5, come to buttfuck nowhere eastern europe. Cabins hooked to electricity and water for the crops to be had for 5-15k euro depending on condition (lower than 5 available but unlikely to be structurally sound). Cabins hooked to all that plus drinking water to be had for 10-20k depending on location and condition. All will be septic pits I'm afraid even if you're on-grid in all other ways. Usually all those will come with either half or one decars of land where you can keep hens and meat rabbits, have a couple of fruit trees, and plant tomatoes.

[Alphaville]

phrasing, phrasing!