Zankas poker-journal

Where are you and where are you going?
Gilberto de Piento
Posts: 1562
Joined: Tue Nov 12, 2013 10:23 pm

Re: Zankas poker-journal

Post by Gilberto de Piento »

Great job on all the progress. The number of poker hands you are playing is incredible. I like your new goals too.

ertyu
Posts: 1404
Joined: Sun Nov 13, 2016 2:31 am

Re: Zankas poker-journal

Post by ertyu »

Wishing you luck man, hope next month's poker works out nice and that progress on all other fronts is good. You're making insane strides forward :muscle:

Zanka
Posts: 133
Joined: Tue Aug 01, 2017 2:33 am

Re: Zankas poker-journal

Post by Zanka »

Image


Testing testing. This is my graph for last month (it is not dollar even tho it says so). As you can see there are a ton of swings, for example I was up more at hand 7.5k than at the low around 26k hands. This is very standard, and in fact I have a quite high winrate that makes the swings significantly smaller.

Thank you for your replies it feels better than i thought to share a bit more about myself.

Zanka
Posts: 133
Joined: Tue Aug 01, 2017 2:33 am

Re: Zankas poker-journal

Post by Zanka »

I sat down with my parents today and had a very good talk. I got to say most of what I wanted to say, and they took the chance of denying everything I said and diverted every discussion into another topic when it got uncomfortable. I tried to stay composed and calm but sitting in front of my parents and realizing how little we understand eachother and that our relationship wont last was very hard. In the end I said that had had enough of this type of realationship and walked out. I do not believe that they have the slightest understanding of what I am trying to say to them, and they have basically zero emotional understandind and absolutely no intention to own up to their mistakes. Oh well, moving on to processing losing two parents that never was there in the first place. I guess Ill be able to handle that also.

I am so thankful that my brother has the same view as me now, such a wonderful support in all this mess.

Poker: No poker for a while, prio has been on parents. But up 250 for the month with 2hours played or something.

Goals achieved:

- Made out with someone (obv most important on the list so made sure to take care of it asap).
- Talked to parents
- Been crying almost every day.
- Been writing every day-

Im going to crush this month.

/ Z

ertyu
Posts: 1404
Joined: Sun Nov 13, 2016 2:31 am

Re: Zankas poker-journal

Post by ertyu »

Zanka wrote:
Tue Oct 06, 2020 10:10 am
they took the chance of denying everything I said and diverted every discussion into another topic when it got uncomfortable
:lol:

at some point gallows humor is our only way forward here :lol: :lol:

strength dude
accepting that things will never get better is a bitch.

Zanka
Posts: 133
Joined: Tue Aug 01, 2017 2:33 am

Re: Zankas poker-journal

Post by Zanka »

Hehe Yeah man, I feel a lot more peaceful than I thought. But I have to wait a couple of days or weeks to see if there are heavier feelings underneat this calm. Should probably be a bit tough to go trough this I assume..

Thanks for the support!

ertyu
Posts: 1404
Joined: Sun Nov 13, 2016 2:31 am

Re: Zankas poker-journal

Post by ertyu »

are you talking to a shrink? you live in an actual proper country where one can gent mental healthcare, no?

Zanka
Posts: 133
Joined: Tue Aug 01, 2017 2:33 am

Re: Zankas poker-journal

Post by Zanka »

Yeah ill try to get a hold of someone to talk to, that is probably a good idea.. I have done it before but stopped when it got to much pain involved.

Come to think about it I have a shrink-friend that probably know where I should go..

ether
Posts: 212
Joined: Sat Nov 17, 2012 1:50 am
Location: Tempe AZ
Contact:

Re: Zankas poker-journal

Post by ether »

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pluribus_(poker_bot)
No limit hold'em is beaten by AI. Granted it took 250GB RAM and several graphics cards so low stakes isn't worth it but still a big day for AI research

Zanka
Posts: 133
Joined: Tue Aug 01, 2017 2:33 am

Re: Zankas poker-journal

Post by Zanka »

Yeah of course it is a little worrying but even if you could run it on a normal computer there are a ton of ways that sites can detect and prevent things like this. If you are playing to close to game theory optimal sites will notice and have you do a bunch of things to prove that you are playing on your own.

And if the worst should happen and sites remove holdem I guess one can learn other games :)

Zanka
Posts: 133
Joined: Tue Aug 01, 2017 2:33 am

Re: Zankas poker-journal

Post by Zanka »

Shitstorm officialy set in motion. Parents felt they needed to warn my siblings to make sure I did not manipulate them. At least one of my 3 sisters are pretty upset at me.

Im just going to stay silent and make sure I do not play their game. Compassion compassion compassion.

Also I got accepted to take part in a 10 day meditation retreat, feels so great. The set up is that you meditate for 11h a day and stay silent until the last day. Going to get into meditation for real now and get off social media and electronics in general until the retreat (it is over new years).

Also changed battery on my phone by myself and am up 400 from poker even if I have barely played.

: z

ertyu
Posts: 1404
Joined: Sun Nov 13, 2016 2:31 am

Re: Zankas poker-journal

Post by ertyu »

Good job going through this :muscle: hope retreat helps. In my experience with shitty interpersonal situations, withdrawing and being the bigger person just means that others will bond at your expense and make you the bad guy. Not saying that this will necessarily happen in your case, but it's what you're risking if you refuse to engage in games and manage the narrative on your end. I myself have refused, and the rest of my family of origin seems to have an excellent time bonding around how i'm the bad guy. Glad you have your brother on your side. Just having someone who knows the situation and validates your point of view is invaluable in this type of shitshow.

Zanka
Posts: 133
Joined: Tue Aug 01, 2017 2:33 am

Re: Zankas poker-journal

Post by Zanka »

@ertyu Yeah thanks :) Great insights and I believe you are right that I (and my brother) will be the bad guys for a while. I would obv prefer it that were not the case but I believe that it is by far the best option to take. It is the most in line with my own values and I think it also will be the best way forward if we look at it long term. I find it very unlikely that all of my sisters will live on and not come in some kind of conflict with our parents at some point. And when that happens (like it did with my brother) they might see my point of view a bit clearer.
And if that does not happen then I still have done what I can to be a good rolemodel and stand up for who I am.

Yeah the retreat will be an interesting experience for sure. And just the lifestyle of dedicating myself to a lot more meditation will also have some inpact on my life, ill keep you posted on that. :P

Zanka
Posts: 133
Joined: Tue Aug 01, 2017 2:33 am

Re: Zankas poker-journal

Post by Zanka »

It took a while to calm down my inner world after talking to my parents. I have been meditating for around 1h/day now since I got the spot on the retreat and man what a difference it makes. Ever since I discovered meditation I have been slipping in and out of it but everytime I get some solid time in meditation it changes my life. So now I am comitted to sitting once in the morning and once in the evening, aiming for 20 minutes but I can sit for as long as I want to.

I have been playing a little more poker last couple of days and it has felt great, I keep playing well and am so confident in my ability to beat the 50$ buyin games. Ill take some serious shots at 100$ games soon and if I stick there (wich I should sooner or later) things will start to look promising.
Just finished up a session where I won a 300$ pot :)

Hope you are all well, now it is time to meditate.

/ Z

ertyu
Posts: 1404
Joined: Sun Nov 13, 2016 2:31 am

Re: Zankas poker-journal

Post by ertyu »

What kind of meditation do you practice and what resources would you recommend for one to learn?

Zanka
Posts: 133
Joined: Tue Aug 01, 2017 2:33 am

Re: Zankas poker-journal

Post by Zanka »

I use my breath and my nose. Sit comfortably and focus on how the air flows in and out at the "tip" of your nose as your breath naturaly goes in and out.
When I get deeper into the meditation some of the sessions I go over to just listening to the sound of silence. It might sound weird but is so so nice to sit in complete silence (on the inside, there are always some noise out in the material world).

IMO meditation should not be complicated and it is not like learning anything else since there is nothing to learn. ;)

ertyu
Posts: 1404
Joined: Sun Nov 13, 2016 2:31 am

Re: Zankas poker-journal

Post by ertyu »

Cool, thanks for explaining! Haven't started meditating but it's been coming up from a couple of different places and really making me think like i should. Glad it works for you, keep kicking butt at poker!

Zanka
Posts: 133
Joined: Tue Aug 01, 2017 2:33 am

Re: Zankas poker-journal

Post by Zanka »

Yeah def try it. Just sit down on a chair or whatever, put an alarm for 5min and close your eyes and make everything you can to not move until alarm goes of. Great way to start:)

Zanka
Posts: 133
Joined: Tue Aug 01, 2017 2:33 am

Re: Zankas poker-journal

Post by Zanka »

Have kept playing poker and are up to around 11k hands. I am a bit behind schedule but Im not stressing out about that since things have been messy lately. I believe I will be able to get to 30k if I put in some effort the last 2 weeks of the month. Results have been good.
The more I play and now that the results are coming in I am slowly forming some sort of plan for the future.

What I have been doing lately is to pad my poker-bankroll instead of investing, this is due to my plans to move up in stakes to the 100$ and 200$ buyin games. To play those comfortably I would need to have around 10k$ to play with if I want to be completely relaxed. If I play those games (at least a decent % of my volume) I would most likely have an hourly of 40$+/h tax-free.
Were I to make that much I would have a hard time justifying working for 11$/h at my job, esp since most of my shifts are during prime poker-time but at the same time I need to have the job to be able to move to a new place (unless I make a ton of money and can pay for something in cash).
Right now I am aiming to save as much as possible and then move next autumn/winter or something like that. After moving I would probably just quit my job as long as I have a couple of years of expenses saved up. (This is assuming poker is still not forbidden or something like that).

Monday I will prioritzie a short hike and sleeping outside since it has been a while since I could get out. The weather is just amazing now that autumn is here, the evenings are dark and stars are coming out, will be great to get out. The plan is to start the hike in the afternoon and the last part of the hike will be done in complete darkness (will use headlamp). And then when I (and the dog) get out to a lake Ill start a fire and cook some food and just watch the fire for a couple of hours before sleeping in my hammock. The hammock has been a total gamechanger for me since it is so easy to bring, you can watch the starts untill you fall asleep and it is very comfortable. I kinda like going out alone but right now I would love to have someone with me besides my dog. Thing is that so much is happening in my life that I cant stand being around most people right now. I belive I just have to work trough a lot of emotions and traumas on my own.

End rant.
/z

Cheepnis
Posts: 293
Joined: Mon Dec 31, 2018 11:52 am

Re: Zankas poker-journal

Post by Cheepnis »

Zanka, could you go into the logistics of playing 30k hands/month? I assume the rate of play is fast online than in person, but that still seems like an incredible number. Are you playing multiple games at once? If so, how many can you handle before you see it negatively impact performance?

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