What I Spend

[JollyScot]

Yeah the 2000 row is a pretty brutal test. We thought about the rower, but I can't deal with the boredom on them. I'm not sure why but out of everything its rue toughest. Then again if I was going max as opposed to a general cardio then maybe. The building gym has one so can use that when things aren't closed.

I think I would get their SkiErg instead of the rower, as the actual movement for that one is a pretty amazing upper body workout. However the bike is one everyone is the house would use.

Contracting is ok, but yeah its less comfortable than being an employee. The banding is what it is, they can't pay people more because if others find out they complain regardless of output. Eventually on the FI path theres a line where you may throw all the toys out the pram and refuse the system.

[Scott 2]

I am counting down business days to my leave. The impending date has become very real at the office, which is making a lot of work. I was on phone calls for at least 7 hours Friday. This is _after_ I've dropped all process improvement and done my best to delegate. It is in my nature to err on the side of being a team player. I am really trying to get others up to speed, so they succeed in my absence. Maybe it is stupid, but I can't help it.

The upcoming week is going to bring peak work stress. Adding to that, I know life is in transition. It has me struggling to prioritize the behaviors that keep me happy and healthy. I played exciting video games until the late late hours last night, screwing up sleep, leaving me a wreck for Saturday. The honest truth is, I was hiding from a racing mind, which has been keeping me from sleep well anyways. Gah.

I still care. I challenged a new (old) approach to capacity planning on Friday. The company has grown a lot. We now have "new" hires repeating mistakes I've already lived through. I don't have the energy to chase them all, but it pains me to watch, knowing how it ends.

One option I've considered upon finishing my leave is - "what if I worked set hours, 4 days a week?" - a strict 80% FTE. I bet I could negotiate it. Seeing stuff like this, I think that might be the worst of both worlds - less pay, less control, but my head is still filled with their problems.

[2Birds1Stone]

but my head is still filled with their problems.

This was the crux of pulling the plug on work last year. Twice in my career I was able to leverage FU$ to work very little actual hours, but those sleepless nights, encroaching thoughts about work, and constantly viewing everything through a tainted lense made enjoying the non working time very difficult. It's as though my employer and their problems owned my every waking minute.

Maybe I just sucked at compartmentalizing my thoughts, but it was a constant struggle. The only way to be free was to completely sever the chord, regardless of how good the arrangement looked on paper.

[JollyScot]

For your "rushing mind" consider playing tetris or some other puzzle like game before sleep. 15-20 mins and you can overwrite your thinking with seeing puzzle blocks falling into place instead. I have found that this has been an useful emergency reset items for me. I think the racing game would be too general for the same thing to happen. My understanding of why it works is limited though, just that it seems work for me.

I remember the last week I had before the first attempt at retiring. I had 6 x 3 hour meetings where it was just people asking me questions and trying to extract out what I knew. It was pretty brutal end to the job. The more questions the asked the larger the can of worms they realised they had opened. I suspect ignronace would have been better for them on this occasion.

It wasn't until the last day that another productive type was included that they managed to get it into some kind of map of what was happening.

For people making mistakes, to some extent you need to let them do it. If you don't then they will always need to come back to you for things. Failing once is fine, as long as they don't fail the same way all the time. Enough breadcrumbs to make progress and then repointing them if they go far off track.

I know people who have done the 80% things, it was very common in Switzerland and seemed to work well. They had somewhat stricter boundaries on work vs home. UK is getting there on that front, but is not quite there yet, there is still a work is king mentality. US seems to be very company specific from what I have seen, be good to ask the question though.

I tried to make the point once that I should do 5 hours of work a day at 75% rate. As in reality I would probably produce about the same as if I was a full time person anyway. They weren't onboard with that, even though we both knew nobody actually works 8 hours a day in any kind of thinking based job.

[Stahlmann]

work very little actual hours, but those sleepless nights, encroaching thoughts about work, and constantly viewing everything through a tainted lense made enjoying the non working time very difficult. It's as though my employer and their problems owned my every waking minute.

Maybe I just sucked at compartmentalizing my thoughts, but it was a constant struggle. The only way to be free was to completely sever the chord, regardless of how good the arrangement looked on paper.

if somebody solved this problem within staying in the system, pls help.

this forum is very domoralizing in some way

[2Birds1Stone]

if somebody solved this problem within staying in the system, pls help.

this forum is very domoralizing in some way

I think it has to do with the type of work you do.

Certain jobs/functions/careers can be more or less left in the workplace when the day/week is done. I had a job like that prior to getting into my last gig. The pay sucked, but when I went home, my time was 100% mine.

With certain high stress knowledge work, there is always *something* more you could do to produce a better result, meet a deadline, etc. I learned how to say no to doing those things that were asked of me but not entirely mission critical, but for one reason or another couldn't stop thinking about work all the same.

[classical_Liberal]

Certain jobs/functions/careers can be more or less left in the workplace when the day/week is done. I had a job like that prior to getting into my last gig. The pay sucked, but when I went home, my time was 100% mine....
but for one reason or another couldn't stop thinking about work all the same.

I think the question here is, Do you work to live or live to work? Is your home life (or outside work life) set up as an extension for you to be a productive worker. Or is your work set up for you to be a productive home lifer.

Often times to reach the higher paying jobs, one has made some accomplishments in the working world. This means other things have been sacrificed, so it seems totally normal to have to live in the city you need to live for work, within commuting distance, with speedy internet at home, with a way to commute and communicate, networking with work friends in off hours,etc. Some of the extra pay is used to buy the conveniences needed to maintain this situation.

Contrast this to a life in a lower paying job. You get the job because IT is near where YOU want to live. It's hours can fit into your schedule. Maybe you already have a friend that works there. The pay is for you to by your food, shelter and entertainment that has nothing to do with the time at the job.

The distinction becomes clear, and it seems obvious to me why the high pay work is always front and center in the mind. Life has been designed for the singular purpose of excelling at it. I'm just not sure most people realize how much of their life has been designed to be an efficient worker bee.

[Scott 2]

@JollyScot - Funny you mention Tetris. I've been playing the game for 30 years. My lifetime hours must be over 10,000. The new wave of competitive play is anything but relaxing! Tetris99 is great fun though.

I am entering into the very week you described. After having given notice 4 weeks ago, this next week, we are finally bringing in the consultant to cover for my absence. I am under instructions to spend as much time as I can, have him shadow everything. This will be entirely virtual, zoom meetings and conference calls. It is going to be horrible. I'll also be shadowed by another guy at midnight this weekend, who is taking over some of my after hours stuff. I refused the request to record that one.


@2Birds1Stone - You've described my experience well. I was reading in your journal about anticipating the possibility of a return to work. That closely parallels my fear of walking away and is a key reason why it is hard to dismiss the 80% solution. I am pretty sure there is enough saved, but it is never going to be easier to earn more, than right now. If I could only find a strong work boundary in myself, 30 hours a week looks great on the surface.


@classical_liberal - I would not claim I live to work. But, in practice, my life ends up that way. It is a problem of ratios. If I am downstream from the work for 25 people, then we increase it to 30 - my queue now has 25% more input. I have to do _something_ about that. I can fail. I can get help. I can work longer. I can be more clever. What I cannot do, is stop the company's growth. Too many other people want it. That overwhelms my life.

So I end up doing a combination of working harder, asking for help and trying to be more clever. By the very nature of our growth, these are all things I've never done before. It's that onslaught of new problems that wrecks my boundaries. Working from home compounds it. There is also the fact that, in the moment, the problems are often compelling, maybe even fun. The opportunity cost is what pains me - losing sleep, skipping workouts, missing meals, ignoring my wife, etc. I would never choose to have spent my time that way, even if it feels important in the moment.


7 business days left. This week has been rough. Net worth hit a major high score. Income vs. expenses looks better than ever.

[Scott 2]

August 2020 Total (Couple) - $1822
Groceries - $708.18
Home Maintenance - $460.00
Utilities - $182.53
Pets/Pet Care - $160.90
Entertainment - $138.46
Telephone - $119.92
Healthcare/Medical - $52.13


Spending was $300 higher than my guess of $1500. While the upcoming leave caused my expenses to trend downwards, some other life events caused my wife's to trend upwards. Her extra spending is a small percentage of the additional income, but I am focused on expenses here. My only notable indulgence was $20 worth of Switch games.

Most significant was $120 for a year of Zoom, $80 for an online yoga workshop and $200 for an electric fireplace. Zoom will be used to teach online yoga classes and is easy to justify. Half of the yoga workshop flows back into keeping our local studio afloat. They are struggling. The fireplace will allow zone heating. My wife's health issues cause her to get cold easily. If the fireplace doesn't pay for itself, it will at least make the thermostat compromise easier.

Our elderly cat got another $160 of medical attention. A big lump turns out to be fatty tissue, but blood tests suggest possible kidney issues. It is likely we'll have additional testing next month. At some point, if her kidneys turn out to be the problem, an (expensive and ongoing) prescription diet could be on the table.

Grocery spending is the lowest since the pandemic started. It also reflects high food inventory - we just did a full restock from the local big box store. The upcoming leave has made me more frugal. I am also paying attention to added sugars in my food, which generally discourages pricey packaged items. It is possible groceries trend further downwards in September. We have been discussing visiting the store in person, once my schedule is more flexible. That would lower daily spend substantially, though impulse buys might initially keep the monthly number high.

I really miss the housekeeper. Our bathrooms our disgusting - pink mold in the shower, stinky drains, etc. Yet, I take no action. Cleaning sucks. Maybe that will change during my leave.


I think September expenses will land at $1700. My wife wants new bedding. I could have leave related transition costs.


Net worth is up enough, that I calculated our asset allocations:

Asset - Current Percentage (March Percentage)
Cash - 24% (24%)
Int. Bonds - 5% (4%)
US Bonds - 17% (16%)
Int. Stocks - 14% (14%)
US Stocks - 40% (43%)

When I implemented the revised investment plan in March, I wanted to reduce cash allocation substantially. However, I did not accurately estimate household income. Because of this, despite dollar cost averaging into the market recovery, my holding percentages have remained stagnant. I wish I'd gone all in back then. Now though, I am sticking with the March plan. It is hard to get excited about throwing more cash at today's valuations. However, I am also nervous about being so heavy in US dollars.

Since every alternative makes me equally upset, the holdings are probably spot on with my risk tolerance.

[Scott 2]

3 days left. This week has been everything I was dreading. Saturday night I worked from midnight to 3:30am, only to have my boss text me at 9am Sunday morning, for a different problem. I am spending the full week in back to back meetings. Some of these are ok, others - well, talking to me after one was the worst part of my wife's whole day.

It is all extremely draining. My coping isn't great. I'm not going to bed until super late, because I don't want to do it again. Last night, I drank too much. Today it was a big junk food order. These are short term solutions to a short term problem, but it is worse than I expected. I was already frustrated by the state of the company, but am also now well beyond my socialization limits.

I'm writing this mostly as a reminder to myself, so I am realistic about what the return from leave will look like. The issues are escalating. Every indicator is they will compound with my absence. I am heavily incented to try again come December. I am quick to forget and forgive. I need to keep my expectations realistic.

[Scott 2]

Last week really sucked. My limit for zoom meetings is well below the 5+ hours I spent per day. My boss made a last minute request on Friday, which lead to thinking about work over labor day weekend. Par for the course, but frustrating. Fortunately, I figured out a low effort solution, so my last day before leave (Tuesday) turned out to be anti-climatic.

I tend to assume everyone is just like me, knows what I know and can do what I can do. I don't think this is a unique flaw, but I do think it is exaggerated by my atypical mental wiring. Watching others take on my work has been very interesting. I have been holding a standard no one else is willing to meet. This is despite feeling like I tend to be lazy or waste my time screwing around.

The next 12 weeks will be my longest break in 22 years - since the summer after junior year of high school. It's been 12 years since I've taken more than 2 continuous weeks off. Not a very congruent pattern for someone interested in early retirement.


I have already been surprised. My home "todo" list is typically 3-5 items. I get to them, eventually. There's not all that much urgency to it. This has swollen to both sides of a sheet of paper. Without work forcing aggressive pruning of my priorities, the ideas are pouring out. Taken individually, any one of them I would recognize as "yeah, I want to do that!". In aggregate, there is so much life neglected. 12 weeks already looks like a very short time.

[McTrex]

Congratulations on reaching this milestone!

Take it easy on yourself this coming time, make sure to decompress well.

[classical_Liberal]

Taken individually, any one of them I would recognize as "yeah, I want to do that!". In aggregate, there is so much life neglected. 12 weeks already looks like a very short time.

My biggest mistake in taking off chunks of time before quitting was that I treated them like "vacations". In the sense that I did a bunch of things I wanted to do, or I had neglected, and tried to "rest" and prepare for the next period of work. It's not that this was a bad idea, because it wasn't. I needed the decompression and vacation mode. It's just that it was not a good example of life without full time work. As far as what you can actually accomplish. I wish I had used the time off more to rest and prepare for a life with less work forever.

Frankly, I'm not sure you can get to a good example of post work life without first decompressing. So, I'm not sure this information does you much good at this point. I guess, just be mindful that if you use the next three months to decompress and get backlogged "life stuff" done, it's not going to be a good example of longer term early retirement if your main concern is to prepare yourself to go back to the grind refreshed.

In any event, congrats on getting it done! and congrats on the first step to realigning your life away from money accumulation as a primary goal. I shall read your thoughts with great interest over the next few months.

[Scott 2]

My biggest mistake in taking off chunks of time before quitting was that I treated them like "vacations". In the sense that I did a bunch of things I wanted to do, or I had neglected, and tried to "rest" and prepare for the next period of work. It's not that this was a bad idea, because it wasn't. I needed the decompression and vacation mode. It's just that it was not a good example of life without full time work.

Thanks for this. I've been mulling it over for a few days now. It is the right advice at the perfect time. My initial is impulse is to DO ALL THE THINGS RIGHT NOW! I am making a point to let it go.


Decompression from work has been much more dramatic than I initially expected. Day 1, I was sitting on my couch playing video games. Waves of euphoria kept washing over me, alternating with incrementally deeper relaxation. WTF. I know I'd been carrying my work problems 24/7, but I did not recognize the degree of permanent high alert. Not good.

There are still intrusive thoughts of how things failed, what I tried, what I could have done different, etc. They are coming in ebbs and flows. Fundamentally, the job stopped making my life better. That's it. Ideally, I'll accept it and stop reconsidering. If my mind doesn't settle down in another week, I will privately write all the gory details. I don't want to waste my time navel gazing, dwelling in things I can't change, but it may prove necessary for mental clarity.


So far, my biggest change has been a shift towards more actively engaging in activities. A couple examples:

1. I have stopped playing Netflix and ignoring rest periods while lifting. Instead, I returned to using an app to time and track all sets. Audio content is much more conducive to this, so I setup my fire stick to stream books from Hoopla. I also side loaded Libby for more content, but am waiting on a wireless mouse to be able to use the app.

2. I no longer need to stay up until the late hours, to put off starting work the next day. I am making a point to shift my wake time earlier, taking the whole house with me. Starting the day with a walk and lifting is a key part of this, since it frees up the remainder of my schedule to be very flexible. It has the added benefit of getting my evening walk out early enough that my wife and I can get into the forest preserve. So for it's been nothing but rain every day, but I think the extra sunlight will be good for me too.

3. It is typical for my wife and I to play on the internet while we eat. Instead, last night we played the table topics game - throwing questions back and forth that we each would answer. It went on for hours and continued into our evening walk. Considering that we are together nearly 24/7, this is a pretty amazing shift.

4. I called my Mom for 20 minutes on her birthday. Then my wife and I stopped by her house for 20 minutes. Normally, my work drain might have reduced this to an email or voice mail.

5. I read a 300 page book on health insurance this week. My pattern has been to stream audio books only, because it is too hard to concentrate on reading. Not anymore, it seems.

Some of these behavior changes could be driven entirely from early enthusiasm. It'll be interesting to see what sticks.

[ertyu]

If my mind doesn't settle down in another week, I will privately write all the gory details. I don't want to waste my time navel gazing, dwelling in things I can't change, but it may prove necessary for mental clarity.

livingafi did. i don't think it's a waste of time. i think if you take the time to write and reflect, it would help with processing and putting things in the past. more selfishly, the second round of meta-thoughts and conclusions you will arrive at will be interesting and helpful to us all.

2. was something that happened to me, too. i do not aim for a particular bedtime or wake-up time, but i have naturally started to do both a bit earlier for exactly the same reason: lizard brain has stopped feeling like resisting bedtime will open up a hole in space-time and give me more time to myself before tomorrow morning.

[Scott 2]

My resistance to the reflection, is it implies the problems are within my control. If I just try hard enough, everything would be better. I think that is what got me into this mess, so I hope to avoid doubling down.

[McTrex]

I think it might give your mind some rest, because it knows everything is written down somewhere, so it doesn’t have to keep thinking about it. Kind of what Getting Things Done recommends to clear up your mind, if I remember correctly.

[Scott 2]

It's been a little over a week since my break started. I drastically under-estimated how negatively work was impacting me:

• I'd jokingly respond to coworkers with "will it help if I cry?" If I'm honest, the frustration had me there a couple times.

• I'd tell friends about playing video games on conference calls and semi-seriously say "As I've gotten older, my motivation has faded."

• I'd routinely hide in media after work, stretching lifting and netflix for hours. Or play competitive Tetris until my eyes burned.

• Towards the end, one day my diet was a box of cereal, soy milk and ice cream. I also tried unflavored protein powder in water.

• Despite being together 24/7, on many days, all my wife would get is complaints about work. Maybe a walk if she was lucky.

In hindsight, that was all messed up - strong signals the job stopped serving me.


My motivation has, in fact, returned. I am so excited for all the things I want to do, sleeping long enough has been a problem. I spent the last couple of days setting up a personal organizer (TickTick) and Google calendar to keep track of the 100+ items. I've been consistently happy. My wife and I have spent quality hours together every day. I've been cooking meals for both us, even cookies. Lifting is down to 60-90 minutes of focused work. I tried to play Tetris99, but the high pressure of competition (I expect to win) was too annoying.

I know it's early, but this feels like a total 180. Instead of racing to perform for money, I am re-discovering life. It is fantastic, even better than I was expecting. I am hopeful the patterns make me more robust to future stressors as well. Going back to work in December will not be fun.

[2Birds1Stone]

I am so genuinely happy to read your last post. Can relate on so many levels, and believe that it will only continue to get better.

What are your thoughts on the impact of these realizations wrt going back to work?

I know you're a high earner/performer, but do you think this could have you consider trimming the budget and doing something else for a while?

[Scott 2]

I am going to get through the end of year compensation cycle, then evaluate. I hit a lot of big career milestones this year. Aborting that momentum would be less than optimal financially. If the 12 weeks apart haven't provide for sufficient growth, an extended break may be on the table.