7Wannabe5-Take 5

[classical_Liberal]

skin care?

[7Wannabe5]

Nope.

[Jason]

I got it. Plant based meat. Like "I would like a bacon double cheeseturgor."

[EdithKeeler]

Viagra alternative?

[Jason]

"When she says more, grab the turgor."

[Clarice]

"I will offer oblique hint that the word "turgor" will very likely be found on promotional materials. "


A hydroponics starter kit?

Congratulation on the breakup! Always a relief of sorts.

[7Wannabe5]

I am not telling until I am fully prepared for grand reveal

Anyways, since I was most recently living half the week with my mother and half the week with The Cowboy and paying $0 in rent (I am dog-sitting for my sister as I type), I am now forced to upgrade my housing expense to the level of tent-camping out of the trunk of my car. I have a good deal of experience with camping, but no experience with solo camping (or even solo living for more than a week or two.) So, I am going to spend a bit more money in the short run getting myself adjusted, in the hope that this will allow me to spend less money in the long (or medium) run. For instance, I bought myself a quick set-up tent big enough for the double Coleman cot I already own, and I made my first week's reservations at a well-developed campground with which I am already familiar which is located near a well-stocked second-hand store and a Wal-Mart.

My rough plan is to mostly camp up north for the summer with occasional runs back into the city and my garden project in order to socialize a bit and stock up on fresh produce. Hopefully, I will feel comfortable enough to do some dispersed (free!)camping in the National Forest in order to reduce expenses. Then in the fall, I will move to a campground near to one of the affluent districts where I sometimes teach, and also quite close to my DD28's wedding venue. After the October wedding, I will likely head south.

My daily schedule will include a great deal of hiking, swimming and biking, because I am truly scared straight about losing some weight to get pressure off of my hip joints. I will also work on my species identification hobby, study for my data science certificate, and prepare for my new business kick-starter. I will also likely have to pay table rent at some coffee shops in order to do data science on the fly. So, it's going to add up to enough more expense, that I am probably eventually actually going to have to do something to make money with my data science certificate, but who better to invest my time and pennies in than Moving Boldly Forward Into the 21st Century Me?

[Jason]

I'm thinking Alpacas are involved.

[7Wannabe5]

Where was I? It seems like I should be moving on to Take 6 pretty soon already!

I caught strep throat from the rug rats, so this will be a semi-fever delirium entry.

My 1999 Honda Accord suffered fatal fail too soon after purchase, so I procrastinated for several months, but finally broke down and purchased 2015 Smart Car. I can't do without a vehicle in my current location, because it is a recently built-up outer ring suburb with absolutely no thought given to pedestrians or bicyclists in planning. No sidewalks, no shoulders, traffic whipping by at 60 MPH, and even the grass is on berms running parallel to roads, so you would need to have one leg 4 inches shorter than the other to walk for any distance. There is also no public transportation besides Uber/Lyft. I also need a car for hauling around book inventory.

More funds have also been required for my DD28's upcoming wedding, so 2019 is not looking like a super-frugal year for me from one perspective. However, from the perspective of raw monthly expenditure, I haven't varied much from my usual total of less than $800/month, because I am currently being kept by The Cowboy.

I am also keeping track of the time I spend on a variety of other Micro-mastery Projects. After reading the book on the topic of micro-mastery, I sadly realized that I likely only have enough lifetime left to spend 100 hours on each of 500 projects, after allocating time for sleep, basic grooming and health practices, etc. So, I decided that whenever I come up with an idea for a new project, I would add it to the tracking app I downloaded and then just see how much time I spent on it. Then when I hit 500 total, I will have to start making some choices and accept that I am mortal and will die with projects unfinished. So far I have added 30 projects to the list.

Sampling:

1) Whittle Oak Hair Sticks
2) Fund Wedding
3) Insect Photography
4) Sell Call Options
5) Complete Data Science Certificate
6) Read 19th Century British Lit
7) MetaMastery of Mastery
8) Empty Dumpster Challenge
9) Build Tiny Smart Car Camper

I am also in the process of selling my urban permaculture project to The Permaculture Manager. I am pretty bummed out about this, but it is also kind of wrong-minded to do permaculture like a science fair project which is located 60 minutes away from my true Zone 0. The Permaculture Manager owns a duplex within walking distance of the project, so it makes more sense for him to carry on. In a weird way, this means that I have already achieved my goal of completing the project by Harvest 2022, because I am 95% sure that it will meet original objectives for production by then. I also considered moving back closer to the project, but this would not be ideal for a variety of reasons. Also, coming round to certain level of acceptance of my tendency towards primarily being the Innovator/Initiator rather than the Manager or the Mechanic on partnered projects. Like it was bound to work out this way the moment I chose to name The Permaculture Manager as I did.

Anyways, my huge overall problem with systems design seems to be inability to solve smaller problems in the right order.

[classical_Liberal]

That's too bad about the urban permaculture project. Although, knowing that it'll be seen through to completion is pretty cool. Like you pointed out, given your personality starting things seems much more enjoyable to you than finishing them. Particularly if you can find someone else who prefers to take up the reins. Maybe you should consider that with your micromastery projects/time limitations? How many things can you start and get someone else to finish, hence freeing up your remaining time for doing the parts you enjoy. Why waste limited time fighting the tide?

[7Wannabe5]

@classical_Liberal:

That's a good idea. In spite of my drive towards independence, I always seem to find myself naturally partnering up in all sorts of settings. I am a good short term partner based on fact that as far as I know, I am currently in good standing with all of my many ex-partners and collaborators, in variety of realms of functioning, but I need to figure out when and how to best get in and out without burning up either social connections or financial equity.

Calvinist society does not place much value on the "work" done by the Innovator, and it is kind of true that ideas are a "dime a dozen" and "1% inspiration 99% perspiration" etc. But a dime/dozen X a bajillion ideas must amount to something. Right?

Anyways, I am putting your idea in my tracker for further pondering. I will call it Twirl Then Pass The Baton.

[7Wannabe5]

This is going to very much be a mish-mash of a venting post. Highly likely I may edit it into oblivion at some point.

[IlliniDave]

I thought you parted ways with the cowboy several episodes ago?

I have to admit that I did not follow your explanation of the problems.

Being relatively direct and simple in my thinking I would just ask, "Do I want to stay or not?", leave the "Why?"s out of it, and either stay or go. I get the sense you really want to stay, so I would say stay and don't worry about it.

[7Wannabe5]

@IlliniDave:

You are right in sensing that some dysfunctional overblown guilt mechanism is involved in my over-think, so thanks for your "don't worry about it." However, I think my true take on "stay or go" is externally motivated ambivalence on top of internally motivated ambivalence.

Big event this past month was my DD28's wedding. It was a 3 day very fun event. My DD and her new husband are both quite artistic, so the ceremony and reception were beautiful and unique. I actually, surprisingly, very much enjoyed interacting with my ex and his extended family. My BF even commented after the event about how my ex was less of a disaster than he expected and we looked like a nice couple together. So, this, obviously, made me reflect back on all the many years of "stay or go" ambivalence I suffered through in that relationship.

It might be my tertiary Fe (simple like a 6 year old extroverted emotional social harmony functioning) at play, but I always want to end up as at least hug-when-randomly-encounter-in-grocery-store with previous relationship partners. So, that would be the minimum of how I want things to work out with this relationship too.

[ZAFCorrection]

To clarify your thinking, one thing you could try is, using your ex-husband as a guide, estimate how often and when you will be happily pondering future ex-cowboy in the future. Discount that distribution for likely decreased functioning over time, and compare it to how much time you have to spend now at minimum in order to turn a "don't ever speak to me again" future ex into a happy hugs future ex.

[horsewoman]

I have been reading your shenanigans with great fascination. A lot of your reasoning goes completely over my head because of the whole male/female/juvenile thing I know nothing about and have not gotten around to learn more so far. So I might be off with a lot of things or misunderstand them. Or the M.A.S.H. analogy, I know that it some TV show about soldiers but that's about it, so I cannot really follow it.

I was really struck by the whole lentil baby thing, which I suppose your current living situation qualifies at (to some extent at least). I could never be happy in a situation where someone else is footing the bill for me, no matter how cheap I am to keep. Not because I think there is anything wrong with that if it works for both partners, but it would kill me if I could not call out someone's bad behavior for fear of (financial) repercussions.

You wrote in my journal that you feel burnt out. I can totally relate to the bus-and-pants analogy because this was how I felt around 22, 23. In hindsight, I see that I was living a life very far away from my core values and with very little in-built slack. These days I'm pretty good at noticing it early when I start to ride at windmills and turn Rocinante around before my life ends up in shambles (again). Having a home where I can be 100% me is crucial for my mental health, so I can see how a grouchy cowboy would drive you nuts.
Now obviously I don't know if that is the case in your situation and if this almost pathological need for independence is an ENTP thing or a me thing, but to me there is unhappiness automatically built-in in such a living situation. Even more so if my partner was grouchy and critical of small things.

Like I said, probably I'm miles off but these were the things that popped up in my mind after reading your last posts.

[7Wannabe5]

@ZAFCorrection:

Very interesting hyper-rational suggestion. I am generally very future-oriented, so discount would likely be pretty deep. That said, there are still short to medium term difficulties to navigate. The Cowboy and I have already broken up and gotten back together several times. He is pretty good at timing his texts for lull when I am feeling more "HAPPY to be rid of him" than "Happy to be RID OF HIM." So, I think I would have to go Radio Silence for approximately 3 months to overcome the habit of our affectionate proximity bond. Also, although I don't think it is too likely in this case, it is very unpredictable, and I am always chicken-shit about the possibility of a man going psycho on me after a break-up, because it has happened.

I was really struck by the whole lentil baby thing, which I suppose your current living situation qualifies at (to some extent at least). I could never be happy in a situation where someone else is footing the bill for me, no matter how cheap I am to keep. Not because I think there is anything wrong with that if it works for both partners, but it would kill me if I could not call out someone's bad behavior for fear of (financial) repercussions.

Well, for better or worse, I am lacking the good sense necessary to avoid calling out bad behavior to avoid financial repercussions. I have even quit jobs spur of the moment and simultaneous to calling out bad behavior of employer on occasion. I do tend towards being conflict avoidant, at the level of loving a good debate but hating a dirty fight, but that would never be my reason for avoiding a fight unless maybe the welfare of children was involved. I will also avoid verbal sparring if I sense the possibility that it will likely become physical, but in that situation, the "stay or go" call becomes pretty easy.

That said, my take on egalitarian relationships was altered a good deal in my early 40s. I found myself in relationship, and quite madly infatuated, with a much older, much wealthier man. I semi-consciously made a ridiculous attempt towards putting myself on something like equal financial footing with him in order to equalize the power dynamic in the relationship, and this proved to be the opposite of productive or functional behavior. Since then, I have simply strongly held to the rule of thumb suggested by one branch of relationship theory which states that you are always in power equilibrium in relationship to the extent that you are in relationship, even if you can't yet posit it out. So, in my current relationship, his financial functioning/contributions MUST be balanced by my FITB functioning/contributions OR we would not be in relationship.

You wrote in my journal that you feel burnt out. I can totally relate to the bus-and-pants analogy because this was how I felt around 22, 23. In hindsight, I see that I was living a life very far away from my core values and with very little in-built slack. These days I'm pretty good at noticing it early when I start to ride at windmills and turn Rocinante around before my life ends up in shambles (again). Having a home where I can be 100% me is crucial for my mental health, so I can see how a grouchy cowboy would drive you nuts.

True. I don't know how far back you have read in my journal, but the critical event of recent years was when my sister who was one of my lifelong best friends, my business partner, and my housemate-at-the-time literally went insane and threatened me with violence. This was around the same time my semi-passive income stream from my rare book business took a hit approximately equivalent to what a sudden, unexpected 50% increase in Capital Gains tax rate would do to most people on this forum. So, that is the sort of 1-2 punch I was suggesting you might want to reinforce yourself against before focusing on low-income generating, although otherwise quite fulfilling, activities. IOW, as you attempt to further lower your expenses, trace back and look for dependencies, contingencies and narrow-necks in your current cash-flows. For instance, selling apples, herbs, embroidered baby bibs, and CDs of your music at the local Farmer's Market does not count as 4 independent flows, because all 4 are dependent on existence of 1 market (unless you have clear alternate plan), and 2 are dependent on maintenance of functioning farm/garden.

Anyways, I have never lived by myself, but I am strongly considering the possibility at this juncture.

[7Wannabe5]

I only recently learned that my extroverted F functioning is likely immature, so this is altering my take on some of my relationship behaviors.

Another manifestation of this would be that I often become very sentimental, soft, and sad when I imagine breaking up with a man, even if his behavior has been terrible. It’s like I am picturing myself taking some old gray grizzled dog back to the pound where I found him. So, the fact that his behavior is bad makes me feel even more sad, because it seems less likely that anyone else will want to adopt him either.

[Dream of Freedom]

The things about him that you are discontent with are unlikely to change in the way you want. Grumpy old men tend to get even older and more grumpy. And with outright socialists like Warren and Sanders running on the democrats' side it is likely republicans will get even more firmly entrenched. You should either accept what he is or reject what he is, but realize that he is what he is.

[7Wannabe5]

@Dream of Freedom:

I likely did not communicate clearly, but I view the fact that he happens to vote Republican as subsidiary to his ESTJ personality type. I also believe that VERY high functioning humans of any given type should be able to form functional relationships with any other type. However, I do not claim to be that high functioning myself, and I do not hope to become that high functioning in the scant years remaining to me.

One book I read gave a very good description of functional "acceptance." You don't pretend to like what you don't like. You just maintain good practice of turning your perspective away from negative features and on to positive features. I have made some attempt to do that in this relationship, but it doesn't work for very long. So, I agree that I have to overcome the wimpyness that is holding me back and do the deed.