The road to marriage

Where are you and where are you going?
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PKiW
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Joined: Mon Sep 02, 2019 3:31 pm

The road to marriage

Post by PKiW » Mon Sep 02, 2019 3:47 pm

This is not a journal. It’s a love letter. Written to whom it may concern but written for the woman I love with all of my heart. No, not my mom. My girlfriend. Yes indeed, we are not married nor even engaged for that matter. Yet. Although we have not set a date we are actively discussing getting married. Not just the ceremony, which is obviously a part of it, but also, or actually foremost, the long term implications of this lifelong commitment to each other. Think life goals, how to raise our possible children (yes, we want children), finances, family, religion, (gender)roles, you name it. We want to know each other, share our opinions, thoughts and feelings. And it is wonderful (but can be quite irritating sometimes, let's stay honest here).

So what business does a love letter have on a financial website such as this one? The answer might surprise you. In a sermon series aptly named ‘the new rules for love, sex, and dating’ by pastor Andy Stanley the following question was raised: Are you the person you are looking for, is looking for? Humbly I must admit that when I saw the series for the first time about two years ago the answer was ‘no’. The story of how that answer changed is for another time perhaps, what matters right now is that although the answer is a positive one, the question still irks me. I force myself to become a better person by asking myself this question from time to time and give an honest answer. Sometimes I’ll rephrase the question in such a manner that it better suits the specific circumstances. Such as in this particular instance. ‘Am I the husband my future wife is looking for?’. One of the aspects I want to figure out before we tie the proverbial knot, is how to manage the things I own. And of course, money is something I own and therefore I want to manage it well. You see where this is going?

My interest is therefore not in early retirement or financial independence per se. I am however fascinated by the underlying principles of such as ‘mindful spending’, both of time ánd money, and the pursuit of happiness. To familiarize myself more with these subjects and learn more about them in order to make a better husband, I would like to go on an adventure. A journey if you’d like. Not alone tough, but with experienced travelers such as yourself, esteemed reader. To achieve not the goal of financial freedom (it might however be a pleasant side effect), but the definitive conquest of the girl of my dreams by growing into the one who hears the three most beautiful words: ‘Yes, I do’.

Would you be so kind to help me on this quest?

samirol
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Joined: Mon Feb 19, 2018 8:21 pm

Re: The road to marriage

Post by samirol » Mon Sep 02, 2019 8:27 pm

Welcome to ERE Wheaton Level 3!

suomalainen
Posts: 733
Joined: Sat Oct 18, 2014 12:49 pm

Re: The road to marriage

Post by suomalainen » Mon Sep 02, 2019 9:13 pm

That's a dumb question. You shouldn't change based on what other people want you to be and you super shouldn't change to what you THINK other people want you to be and you super duper shouldn't change to "conquest" a girl. Be yourself and surround yourself with people who like you for who you are. At the very least, the dumb answer to the question is to focus on changing you. The smart(er) answer to that question is to change whom you're looking for. There's a lid for every pot and there's ALWAYS another bus. Find your lid. Find your bus.

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Bankai
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Joined: Fri Jul 25, 2014 5:28 am

Re: The road to marriage

Post by Bankai » Tue Sep 03, 2019 1:36 am

I admire your eagerness to improve as a person, however, I'm less convinced as to your direction/motivation. In fact, in my opinion, that's exactly the wrong way to go about things. As suo mentioned, life is better when you live your life instead of trying to grow up to whoever else's image of what you should be in life, be it your parents, church or girlfriend. You'll never satisfy someone else's vision of what life you should live/who you should be etc. - there are plenty of people spending their whole lives in futile attempt to satisfy their parents in pursuit of unconditional love.

A woman should be an addition to your otherwise interesting and fulfilling life, not an end in itself. If you put a woman on a pedestal, that's not going to end well; at the very least she'll stop respecting you with time. Also, you should be the prize, i.e. women want you for who you are, but not in a twisted way you described when you want to craft yourself to be someone you think your girlfriend wants, but the reverse where women being attracted to you is a byproduct of your interesting life/persona.

Next, doing what you described is actually counterproductive, since women routinely say they want one set of traits (nice guy) while in reality, they select for the complete opposite (bad boy). So you might end conforming to the image of a nice guy you have in your head, while what your girlfriend really wants you to be/display is the bad boy.

Your girlfriend is already with you, indicating she likes you as you are, otherwise, she wouldn't be with you. What makes you think you need to become someone else to satisfy her? Why aren't you already good as you are?

Also, why do you want to get married?

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fiby41
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Re: The road to marriage

Post by fiby41 » Tue Sep 03, 2019 3:24 am

PKiW wrote:
Mon Sep 02, 2019 3:47 pm
Written to whom it may concern but written for the woman I love with all of my heart.
Men love idealistically. Dunno about you but 'my' girl is only 'with' me as she hasn't found someone better who she could get with yet.
Not just the ceremony, which is obviously a part of it, but also, or actually foremost, the long term implications of this lifelong commitment to each other.
Some people don't want a marriage, they really want a wedding.
We want to know each other, share our opinions, thoughts and feelings. And it is wonderful (but can be quite irritating sometimes, let's stay honest here).
That's what friends are for. You cannot force one person to stimulate all your intellectual, emphatetic and all other needs.
Are you the person you are looking for, is looking for?
Most people have no idea what they are looking for. That person could walk past you and you'd have no clue. Overtly asking will not work, and they'll feel intimidated and give you a list because you demanded it.
The story of how that answer changed is for another time perhaps, what matters right now is that although the answer is a positive one, the question still irks me. I force myself to become a better person by asking myself this question from time to time and give an honest answer. Sometimes I’ll rephrase the question in such a manner that it better suits the specific circumstances. Such as in this particular instance. ‘Am I the husband my future wife is looking for?’.
Good luck trying to qualify yourself all the time.
And of course, money is something I own and therefore I want to manage it well.
You don't own the money, it's just your turn to spend it.
You see where this is going?
Actually I have no idea.

Jason
Posts: 2338
Joined: Mon Jan 30, 2017 8:37 am

Re: The road to marriage

Post by Jason » Wed Sep 04, 2019 9:41 am

"Man, money ain't got no owners, only spenders."

Omar Little, The Wire

Sabaka
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Joined: Wed Apr 26, 2017 9:41 am

Re: The road to marriage

Post by Sabaka » Thu Sep 05, 2019 2:49 pm

Well, I like this post, and good luck to you. I think your quest to become a better man for the person you love is admirable. As you have said, marriage is no easy task, but you have set out with a good mindset. Imo, one of the causes between the massively larger divorce rate is the fact that people have stopped entering into marriages with the goal of best supporting the other person, but instead with what they themselves will gain from it.

It reminds me of one of Seneca's letters, where he talks about how the goal of friendship should not be what you can gain from the other person, but what you can give to them. I think that sentiment applies to all relationships in general.

Good luck!

suomalainen
Posts: 733
Joined: Sat Oct 18, 2014 12:49 pm

Re: The road to marriage

Post by suomalainen » Thu Sep 05, 2019 9:08 pm

In my view, the cause of the massively larger divorce rate is people having more options. Having (mostly) women trapped in terrible marriages because they had no legal escape was not a "golden age" that we should look on fondly. But to each their own narrative.

Jason
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Joined: Mon Jan 30, 2017 8:37 am

Re: The road to marriage

Post by Jason » Fri Sep 06, 2019 2:40 pm

It's been three days. I hope no one came home with the herp.

George the original one
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Location: Wettest corner of Orygun

Re: The road to marriage

Post by George the original one » Wed Sep 11, 2019 7:21 pm

You can change, but it must be within the parameters that are comfortable to you. For instance, if your marriage prospect is seeking a world traveling adventurer and you aren't interested in travel, this isn't going to work.

7Wannabe5
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Joined: Fri Oct 18, 2013 9:03 am

Re: The road to marriage

Post by 7Wannabe5 » Thu Sep 12, 2019 10:47 am

What if you have a pretty good sense of what others are looking for in spouses, and you empathize with their feelings and respect their preferences, but still have very little desire to fulfill them? As in, "Crap, I only have 50,000 hours, at best, left in my lifetime to devote to what I want to do. Why in the hell am I tagging around Home Depot with this old guy wasting MY time on HIS project?"

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