I'm sorry you have to make such a hard decision EK. I'd hate to see you give up something for the wrong reasons. I know I'd never want my kids to alter their trajectory to care for me. If I needed their help that much, it seems only fair that I would have follow them on their journey, not anchor myself, and them along with me. I don't know your relationship with your mother so I hope I don't sound presumptuous or cruel. I just want to make the counter argument since women tend to opt for the caretaker role, and often when not warranted. I'm not trying to belabor the recent gender wars, I'm only trying to get you to view the issue without the traditional expectations that women our age grew up with and avoid any unnecessary sacrifice on your part.
Thanks, JP. Yeah, I get what you are saying. The biggest issue with my mom is, frankly, money. She never saved a dime for her retirement, and I won't outline all of the stupid financial decisions she's made over the years. Suffice to say, she still has a pretty significant mortgage on a house that she can't sell because of a mortgage modification (basically if she sells, she owes them a ton of money that she doesn't have), and her and my brother who lives with her have credit scores of effectively zero so a rental would be out of the question, even if there was money. She couldn't rent something for what she pays for her mortgage, and when nursing home care is finally upon her, it will be as an indigent medicaid patient. And what will happen with my brother is, well, anyone's guess. The other problem is my brother who is just not completely independent and while he can work and drive, in many ways he's like a 14 year old kid.
I've often said it would be easier if my mom had dementia (she does not), or if my brother were something obvious like a drug addict (he is not). It's hard to explain that his brain injury leaves him seeming SORTA normal, but he needs help with stuff. Right now my mom and brother have a weird co-dependent relationship, which mostly works for everyday stuff, but when things happen, I need to be here.
Before I made this decision, I looked at hiring a caregiver, which is going to probably happen someday eventually anyway, and I realized that even if I do hire someone, someone needs to be around who can look after things a bit. That person is NOT my brother. Senior Services in my city are TERRIBLE, plus we used them a few years ago, and my mom was so demanding (and really, the services WERE terrible) that she's apparently on the list of people they won't send anyone out for anymore.
And at the end of the day... I have to look at myself in the mirror when I brush my teeth. I'm really not sure I could do it if I moved away, and couldn't come when I was needed because of my job, and something really bad happened.
And--it's not like I'm turning down a corner office in the C-suite and settling for some minimum wage job scrubbing floors so I can be here. I still have a nice, well-paying job in a city with a cheap cost of living. The new city would have been much more expensive and new salary probably would not have brought me "even" with where I am now... which ultimately would be even less money available for paying a caregiver here.
The other thing is, I talked to my mom about it, some. But the problem is, she has NEVER seen my work, or anyone's work, as important. Growing up, she was always so angry at my dad for working a lot, and I think she somehow thought rent money and food would sort of magically appear. They divorced when I was 12, and he died 13 years ago, and to this day, she still bitches about him not coming to the hospital immediately when my brother was sick as a baby. (He came later that night. My brother was fine). She worked, but she'd get pissed off over something small and quit. She always had a safety net of alimony from my dad, and back then, maybe jobs weren't so hard to come by, and especially lower paying jobs like she usually had, but she doesn't get why I can't just quit my current job and walk across the street and get another one that pays better. And this isn't an age thing--it's the way she's always been.
I have friends who say "just go, do your thing, they'll figure it out," and maybe they would. But I'd still get that panicked call that my mom's fallen, or that the house is getting foreclosed on (regular calls back when I lived in Dallas), or whatever, only now it would be 10x worse because of her mobility and other issues. I guess I'm being selfish in a way to protect myself from feeling bad, if that makes sense!
And the other side of it is... if I just sit here and do what I'm doing now, I'm probably much better set up for early retirement.
Blech. I hate thinking about it. All of it.