INTJ Can't Relax Around People

[Gilberto de Piento]

INTJ doesn't define me but it does seem to be a great shorthand to describe my personality. I do fine with people, even large groups and abrasive personalities, but I just can't completely relax unless I'm by myself (or isolated, like at a desk at work).

I do like to spend time with friends, family and my significant other but even with them I can't really be settled. I'm always processing the situation or thinking about some minor issue or feeling like I'd rather be accomplishing some task than sitting around.

Anyone else have this problem? Any suggestions? I found a couple of articles suggesting this is normal for this personality but I would like to hear your thoughts.

[TheWanderingScholar]

Last I checked a couple years ago I was INTP.

I learned that I am going to uncomfortable in large groups, however with small groups of a friends I drink a little to relax. If you don't want to be dependent upon alcohol and relax, I suggest remembering how you acted when you were tipsy and how people reacted to that. Emulate the good parts, drop the bad.

[Scott 2]

Same. The additional sensory input puts my body on alert. Alcohol helps in the moment, 1-2 drinks.

I also experience a cumulative fatigue that increases the stress response. 4 events like ffj's Christmas would leave me exhausted for 1-2 days.

Managing bout frequency and reducing non-social stressors diminishes the severity of my response and increases tolerance.

Attempts at desensitization through repeated exposure do not help. I can get more comfortable with the feeling of stress, but my body remains on alert - high heart rate, tense muscles, drained feeling afterwards, etc.

I manage it by saying no to situations I know will not serve me - large groups, loud events, tense interpersonal situations, too many events in a row, events after a large non-social stressor, etc. For events that are important, I create a low stress, non-social period leading up to the experience.

[BRUTE]

+1

humans irritate brute

[suomalainen]

Do you mean you want strategies to feel relaxed around people in general (i.e., change your base personality) or that you want strategies to get through an evening/party/social gathering (i.e., coping mechanisms)?

[daylen]

Treat social interaction as an anthropological study; imagine that you are an alien scientist.

[Jason]

I was talking to my therapist about these personality tests. I asked him "What type of personality is the douchebag who is too impatient to take the test?" He said not to worry about it, as personality is fluid and these things can be like horoscopes - you can find yourself in many categories.

I believe your issue is greater than personality. It has to do with health. And if it's mentally, emotionally, psychologically, physically unhealthy for you to be in certain situations, than you have an obligation to yourself to avoid them. That's how I justified not attending a Christmas function. Not that I'm a specific acronym who prefers different environments, but that these people are complete fucking assholes and being around them is distressing to me and therefore a threat to my health. At that point, not attending became non-negotiable and I did not lose time with them or time recovering from them or time giving a rat's ass about the implications of not being with them.

It's simply a matter of agency. What I think is simply more important than what other people think and what I think about myself is simply more important than what other people think about me. Christmas and the Holidays is just a cluster fuck of bullying psychological bullshit and I refuse to pay attention to people who base their lives around a mythological fat fuck in a red suit.

[daylen]

There appears to be a correlation between being INTJ-like and needing to rationalize self-superiority.

[Jason]

Well, that eliminates INTJ because I don't need to rationalize that shit.

[vexed87]

I'm not INTJ, INTP here, thankfully I think I spent the majority of my time off work with my wife and baby, there were only a couple of social gatherings involving larger groups.

Scott 2's coping mechanism works for me.

I manage it by saying no to situations I know will not serve me - large groups, loud events, tense interpersonal situations, too many events in a row, events after a large non-social stressor, etc. For events that are important, I create a low stress, non-social period leading up to the experience.

DW has come to accept my need for space before and after such events, if my attendance cannot be avoided entirely. She know's when not to bring me along by now also!

Bringing the event home to me is also another strategy. I find it helps to have a task to get on with that's acceptable whilst everyone else is mingling, e.g. cooking the main course. Then the little time that is left over to be social, I can maintain, with the aid of a beer or two! Other time's when I have no such excuse, I do find myself thinking about getting on with other projects when others seem content to be 'in the moment'. Being in the moment is that thing we are always encouraged to do more of, but I'm beginning to suspect it's a bit like 'the cult of positivity' in that it's not really possible to force that square peg in that round hole. I've given up feeling guilty about it and enjoy thinking about what I'm going to be getting on with when the social gathering is over a done with!

I care about my family and want to please them for the most part, so I do my very best to engage in things they find enjoyable, but that only gets me so far. There is no solution. It's just life.

[thegreatvoid]

Yes, I stay far away from crowded places like shopping malls and I never eat out , because I feel a constant stream of anxiety among many people .
Might have something to do with the one year I´ve lived in South America and was cat called every 5 minutes by women , because I was the only white gringo in the town ( and tall & I have done a little bit of male modelling , so I guess I´m somewhat handsome )

For someone , who is self conscious and insecure ,that´s really traumatizing.

I don´t know my personality type.

[prognastat]

I generally don't make plans the weekend before or after I have a social gathering to give myself some time to relax/energise. This helps for me. Also if it's an extremely busy gathering with a lot of people I might look for moments to either go outside temporarily to relax or at least find a quieter spot for a moment.

[Gilberto de Piento]

Thanks for all the responses! I appreciate your help on this. I survived the holidays.

Do you mean you want strategies to feel relaxed around people in general (i.e., change your base personality) or that you want strategies to get through an evening/party/social gathering (i.e., coping mechanisms)?

If I could change how I feel about people that would be great but I can't see that happening. I think the best I can hope for is to change my response.

Something that I do is put my day into time blocks where I can accomplish something meaningful to me and still have time for social obligations.

I like this suggestion but it may be difficult to implement. Sometimes there's no choice unless I want to blow up some relationships or become a shut in.

I also experience a cumulative fatigue that increases the stress response. 4 events like ffj's Christmas would leave me exhausted for 1-2 days.

This really hits the nail on the head for me. I'm fine going to one event and then going home. It's when I don't get a chance to reset that I start to become unhappy. For example, going to the in laws Christmas party is fine. The holiday season plus the fact that the weather/daylight situation sucks really piles on.

humans irritate brute

Sometimes it just comes down to this. I notice everything from the little inefficiencies to the true as*holishness and I get tired of it. Sometimes I have more tolerance than others though.

Treat social interaction as an anthropological study; imagine that you are an alien scientist.

I'm already noticing everything and thinking too much. I can see this strategy working but for me it seems to make things worse. For example, I want to not notice the annoying people at the airport, not think about them even more.

Also if it's an extremely busy gathering with a lot of people I might look for moments to either go outside temporarily to relax or at least find a quieter spot for a moment.

Taking a walk by myself seems to help. I also need to remember to think of myself first. If it bothers some people that I am talking to people at the party but am not "the life of the party" then too bad for them. Not my problem.

[daylen]

I'm already noticing everything and thinking too much. I can see this strategy working but for me it seems to make things worse. For example, I want to not notice the annoying people at the airport, not think about them even more.

Hence the alien part. It only works if you ignore everything you think you know. Just observe and generate hypotheses. Focus on general questions, not answers.

High conscientiousness is the death of wonder. The antidote is to forget about your priorities, goals, and preferences while drifting between different states of awareness. Ignore the apparent ordering of such states. Let the social situation control you. Be vulnerable.

The alternative is attempting to control(*) an uncontrollable situation; this option provokes anxiety and kills you faster.

(*) ..or thinking about it which is indistinguishable physiologically.

[Nomad]

Interesting, I did this test years ago.
A lot of people in IT are INTJ and it goes with planning and designing in details.
Planning an early retirement also requires the same attributes...

[Sclass]

Ya know sometimes it’s just hard to be courageous and get out there. If you start saying stuff like you’re just wired up to like being all by yourself and you seclude yourself, you’ll reinforce the trait.

Heck, it’s a lot easier to just stay home and play video games and eat from a bag than introducing yourself to the girl next door and fixing a picnic basket for an afternoon out. I get it. It’s scary. Sometimes you need to jump in the water to discover what a great swimmer you actually are.

I believe the brain is relatively plastic. With the right stimulation. Heck I taught myself to enjoy stinky cigarettes, black coffee and the thrill of flirting at an early age. Before hand it was unpalatable.

Be careful what you tell yourself. It can become you.

[Tiarellla]

It´s good to hear that there are lots of people feeling the same way. Christmas and New Year is too much socializing for me. I am always happy when we have January 2nd.
Unfortunately I have birthday early in January and I can not remember when I had the last birthday party. I moved it to summer as parties outside are much easier to handle. And after a few weeks without large festivities I like to have my friends around.
On parties I have the same strategy as vexed 87, most of the time I am the person to collect glasses and dishes to the kitchen, serve the food for dinner parties or check on the availability of cold beer, wine and chips. That gives me a purpose and very often one or two other introverts join in and we have nice discussions in the kitchen. And its a help most hosts value.
And yes, Sclass, the brain is flexible we can behave different however it takes a lot of energy to do so.

[Scott 2]

Ya know sometimes it’s just hard to be courageous and get out there. If you start saying stuff like you’re just wired up to like being all by yourself and you seclude yourself, you’ll reinforce the trait.

I see it as discovering who you are, rather than forcing yourself into the mold of who you "should be."

I fought my introversion for years, based on the ideals provided by society. I worked jobs that depended on being social (personal trainer, project manager). I set and hit goals for X social events per month with friends and family. I attended networking events. I practiced small talk. I read books on reading body language and building rapport, then practiced putting them into effect. I even pretended to like dancing a couple times. It's all so draining.

It's also not me. I wouldn't know that if I hadn't tried, but I am much happier letting that idealized self go.

[Sclass]

Hey, sorry if I was insensitive. If you’ve tried and it hasn’t worked out, well it is what it is.

I think I’m mixing up introversion with something like building up a liking for smelly soft cheese or fatty goose liver after a series of uncomfortable tastings. That was my experience but when I really think about some of my socially anxious friends IRL I realize no amount of “socialization” will fundamentally change their nature. We are all different.

[Lemon]

@sclass I don't think you were insensitive. Part of this is inherent in how introverted someone is but you are right to say trying is important otherwise it is easy to end up more and more isolated.

I have the same problem especially with people I don't know, don't really like, or larger groups. Close friends I don't have the issue with

But having had a people person job I can now sort of switch into an autopilot of small talk where I find something about the person/a topic they care about interesting. How to build that autopilot when it wasn't learnt on the job though I don't know. But certainly having to make small talk with people to put them at ease while performing a procedure means I can relax when making said small talk but not having to do a procedure. This goes back to what sclass was saying, practice/repeat exposure tends to help. Or maybe I am not a very good introvert.

Vexed's advice of be the one tidying/filling glasses at a part helps too and I have yet to have a host complain about doing it. ON a similar vein having activities at the same time helps. Talking is less pressured on a hike for example when there are also pretty surroundings to look at.