This is not a journal update per se, I just wanted a snapshot of how fucking miserable my existence is right now. Some day I'm going to look back at this and either realize that all of life pretty much looks like this or that I survived in spite of everything.
It's nothing but a long whine so by all accounts ignore this post, it's for me, not for you.
- I'm taking Advanced Data Analysis on Generalized linear modelling and mixed effects as well as a course in computational data analysis, AKA statistical learning AKA machine learning (supervised as well as unsupervised). I'm out of my comfort zone and slightly into my panic zone and all three of my PhD advisors want me to spend LESS time on this and learn more, faster. They'd rather than I focused on maintaining a software suite that a former Master student, turned PhD, turned PostDoc wrote almost single handedly. The PostDoc has now left the group and I'm left with managing and rewriting it so be system independent, documented and easily usable without the need to contact the original author. I was hired to do math for my PhD, in spite of my almost complete lack of math skill, and now I'm doing software consultant work, all the while all three advisors can't understand why I'm not already in the process of publishing something (one year into my PhD) on statistics. I'm being sabotaged from the inside and it's pissing me off to no extent.
- I work days, I work evenings, I work weekends, and it's not enough.
- My 2 year old is very much in the Terrible Two's. It's screaming, whining, crying and hysteria as soon as the tiniest thing ticks her off.
- GF got rushed to hospital with mother f**** heart issues a week ago. 39 years old; heart issues...
- We're buying a new house. That means ridiculous amounts of paperwork. Calling the bank, mails back and forth. Red tape associated with home owners association we're moving from and red tape associated with the home owners association we're moving to.
- I'm selling tons of old stuff that we don't need now that we've down sized our possessions (and are moving into a much smaller house). Dealing with retarded people who think that if something is cheap they are allowed to waste my time by setting up meeting and not showing up. People who haggle about 2 dollars worth of goods at a time in life where I'm working days, nights and weekends... If I don't sell it now, I'll have to deal with it in the new smaller home.
- 80 minutes commute every day.
- My mother has a ridiculously bad back and a psychopathic boss, so my mother is at work way to often, strongly medicated. She spends most of her time sleeping, because she is so worn out from the medicine.
- Mondays and Tuesdays I'm home so late that I only see my daughter during dinner, then we put her to bed and that was it for that day...
- I steal every available moment to visit these forums, 'cause there are never more than 10 minutes at a time to do anything meaningful in. Which is a complete waste of time.
- my study partner in Advanced data analysis got pissy and decided she didn't want to work together with me any more, like real old-school pissy-bitch-pissed in the most destructive manner possible. So I'm now doing the major assignment all alone and there is plenty of work for 2-3 people (I can't team up with anyone else, everyone else in the course is already in a max-sized group).
- My advisors have demanded that the second exam case for my machine learning course has to be strictly research related, so I'm not allowed to work with two others on the default second case, I'm forced to work alone there as well.
- and now my grandmother died...
I'm working all the time, I'm working alone, I'm working on things that very difficult for me right now, I commute for too long, I'm being sabotaged by my superiors, strangers waste my time, my daughter is hysterical, my GF is too worn to be of any help and her health is already failing, we're buying a house...
I'm not running on fumes, those are all gone; I'm chopping of small bits of my soul every single fucking day throwing it in the furnace to fuel the rest of the day in the vain hope that it'll all work out for the better in the end.