How Will My Fascination with ERE Affect My Marriage?

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Clarice
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Re: How Will My Fascination with ERE Affect My Marriage?

Post by Clarice » Tue Apr 10, 2018 1:46 pm

@Jason:

I am glad you've caught this one. I've articulated the story really badly. Here is my second try. I work at a sub-acute hospital. People get transferred there after spending weeks (or months) in ICU. In a sub-acute hospital many questions get revisited, asked and answered again. Is it still as bad as it was 8 weeks ago? The situation that I deal with has to do with swallowing. The patient was put on a tube feeding 8 weeks ago because she could not swallow then. How about now? That's how I saw that unlucky lady. Her plight scared me so much, that I ran and bought a step ladder FOR MYSELF, so I would not fall from the chair while trying to reach the upper shelf of my closet while laboring under condition of being 5'3". Thank you for reading and for your feedback.

Jason
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Re: How Will My Fascination with ERE Affect My Marriage?

Post by Jason » Tue Apr 10, 2018 3:25 pm

Clarice wrote:
Tue Apr 10, 2018 1:46 pm
Thank you for reading and for your feedback.
It's the least I can do.

This is how I understand it so far: A lady who is not a prime candidate for oral sex is in your hospital. She's lying in a bed with a tube in her abdomen. She realizes its March. Christmas is way over and she wants to get onto St. Patrick Day or possibly Easter. Put away the reindeers and get out the clovers or the fucking bunnies. Instead of asking you to do it, she gets out of bed with said feeding tube still attached in her abdomen, collects her manger scenes, and snowmen and oversized sock, puts them in a box, climbs a chair in order to put them on the top shelf, but falls backwards and hits her head. You here some type of commotion realize what happened and are upset to the point that you don't want anyone getting hurt over these Christmas items and get a step ladder to safely put them away yourself. I would also think you moved the chair out in order that she can't do any other stupid type of shit.

I pictured you taller than 5'3. More in the 5'7-5'9 range. I'll need to adjust on that.

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Family father
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Re: How Will My Fascination with ERE Affect My Marriage?

Post by Family father » Thu Apr 12, 2018 7:26 am

Tyler9000 wrote:
Sun Mar 04, 2018 1:15 pm

Rather than forcing your DH to play with you on the low end of the curve you might try meeting him in the middle and looking for that good-deal inflection point as a team. Maybe homemade cheese isn't his thing, but finding his favorite inexpensive Gruyere would be considered a fun challenge for an optimization-minded person. Also, speaking from personal experience, if you were to actively participate in the process rather than criticize his choices from a distance or detach yourself entirely from his way of thinking I suspect he'll be a lot more receptive to your input. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if he eventually recognizes that good faith and offers to help you with your laundry detergent recipe. I guess that's a long way of saying that your fascination with ERE doesn't have to negatively affect your marriage as long as you don't allow your ideas to become a wedge in your relationship.
There's more than meets the eye into that post to any couple...

:respect: Tyler9000

Clarice
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Re: How Will My Fascination with ERE Affect My Marriage?

Post by Clarice » Wed May 09, 2018 12:02 pm

APRIL UPDATE

Total Pay Checks: $2,063.41
Total GET Expenses: $522.18
Autonomous Net Worth: $4,260.49

Girl's Stuff - $139.14

Sandals - $35.04 (threw away the old ones)
Hair - $104.10 (will explain, quite a saga)

Education and Entertainment - $229.58

Amazon Membership - $14.16
DH's birthday gift - $141.69
Tomato Seedlings - $40.41
Sherlock on Prime Video - $4.99
Flash drive and scanning @FedEx - $28.33
Lunch with girlfriends - $40.96

Transportation - $112.54

Gas - $112.54

I developed an allergy to chemical hair dyes and switched to henna. No commercial hair salon would dye my hair with henna as it is a very messy and time consuming process, so I was forced by circumstances to do it myself. I have never dyed my hair before, let alone with henna. There is a bazillion videos on YouTube and I've watched them all. :lol: I was concerned with the thought of DH coming home and discovering orange stains on various surfaces and me looking like Bozo the Clown. :o I've planned for every possible contingency and spent a lot of money in the process (brushes, combs, fancy conditioners, disposable table cloth, a lot of other little things, and a pack of henna - $2 at an Indian grocery store). Many of the contingencies have never materialized and a fancy conditioner has proved to be a waste of money. At the end, everything turned out great - I didn't create any mess and got the hair looking exactly as they promised on the box. :) Going forward my expenses will be $2 a month - huge savings compared to the hair salon. And I love the red hair.
I am still in the process of getting a third per diem position (therefore the expense of $28 at FedEx - filling a lot of forms :( ). Getting this thing started has turned out to be a long process.
I've finished Economics: Private and Public Choice. Phew! I guess it might be helpful to know what people in the position of power know. I would call it Adam Smithism-Keynesanism. It is a mirror image of marxism-leninism, with which we were tortured as children in Soviet Union. Both are very imprecise, ideology-driven models of reality. I am very far from investing knowledge-wise and financially. I will have time to finish all the books from Jacob's list. I need an emergency fund (to survive autonomously a potential double-whammy of totaling my car and having to fly to visit my parents on a short notice) of $20K. Then I can put some money in a CD account. I can also diversify into, let's say euros and pounds. Only after that the question of investing will arise - long, LONG way from today. In the meantime, my next book is Financial Reporting and Statement Analysis. :ugeek:

Jason
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Re: How Will My Fascination with ERE Affect My Marriage?

Post by Jason » Wed May 09, 2018 3:23 pm

I knew an entrepreneurial chemist who was working on a non-toxic hair dye. I never realized how potent the over-the-counter dyes are. My wife no longer uses and I like it natural. Glad it worked out for you.

However, in case it doesn't, it might provide a side gig:

http://www.nydailynews.com/entertainmen ... -1.3889081

Clarice
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Re: How Will My Fascination with ERE Affect My Marriage?

Post by Clarice » Thu May 10, 2018 4:37 pm

@Jason:

Ha-ha, I wish I had this option... unfortunately, no talent for acting...

I've also realized that in my last entry I haven't said a word to address the title of my journal. That's because my fascination with ERE has stopped being a factor in my marriage, for now at least. I was prepared for a 5-year battle. It was more like 5 months. Go figure...

ThisDinosaur
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Re: How Will My Fascination with ERE Affect My Marriage?

Post by ThisDinosaur » Fri May 11, 2018 8:35 am

Clarice wrote:
Thu May 10, 2018 4:37 pm
That's because my fascination with ERE has stopped being a factor in my marriage, for now at least. I was prepared for a 5-year battle. It was more like 5 months. Go figure...
Wait, so how did you manage to resolve this problem?

Clarice
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Re: How Will My Fascination with ERE Affect My Marriage?

Post by Clarice » Fri May 11, 2018 9:34 am

@ThisDinosour:
Thank you for asking. I've resolved (learned to live with) this problem in the following sequence:
1. Realized that we spent money very inefficiently while remaining wage slaves;
2. Changed my own behavior somewhat while expressing my unhappiness with DH's choices;
3. DH, in turn, became increasingly critical of me;
4. It was HELL;
5. Out of sheer desperation, I created my financial autonomy - started to work more hours than before, got my separate bank account where my paychecks got deposited, and concentrated my efforts on the expenses over which I have a complete authority. I called them GET expenses (girl's stuff, education & entertainment, and transportation). I've started educating myself with an eye on investing my savings in the future.
6. I lost interest in DH's choices because I was very much concentrated on my own. I became less critical of him.
7. He, EVENTUALLY, accepted my autonomy and became less critical of me.
8. A new financial routines got established. We continue to have our joint account where his salary is deposited and from which household bills and child care expenses are paid. He also uses it for all his personal expenses and household expenses, with which I may or may not agree (usually, a new perfect something instead of an old functional something). I have my own account, from which I pay my personal expenses and expect some day to have money to invest.
That's where it stands RIGHT NOW. My own journey continues.

Peanut
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Re: How Will My Fascination with ERE Affect My Marriage?

Post by Peanut » Fri May 11, 2018 12:43 pm

Sorry if I missed this info elsewhere, but are you guys on the same page on investing your joint monies? I assume there's a savings % you put away from his job?

Clarice
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Re: How Will My Fascination with ERE Affect My Marriage?

Post by Clarice » Fri May 11, 2018 2:20 pm

@Peanut:
We are on the same page. The page (and the whole book) is very boring: two 401Ks, a rental, some cash, some gold. :geek:

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Fish
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Re: How Will My Fascination with ERE Affect My Marriage?

Post by Fish » Thu May 24, 2018 3:26 am

Clarice wrote:
Fri May 11, 2018 9:34 am
We continue to have our joint account where his salary is deposited and from which household bills and child care expenses are paid. He also uses it for all his personal expenses and household expenses, with which I may or may not agree (usually, a new perfect something instead of an old functional something). I have my own account, from which I pay my personal expenses and expect some day to have money to invest.
For the longest time I thought that you negotiated a very favorable deal... but now I see that you have simply decided to contribute your income only to areas where you are allowed influence and control over spending decisions. He wants full control over spending for the household and himself, but because you are not involved in making these decisions, he pays for all of it. Your rule is that decision-making authority and responsibility for cost are intertwined. Is that a correct assessment? What did it take for your husband to agree to this arrangement?

There is a logic to it, but I imagine I would ruffle some feathers if I pulled my direct deposit out of the joint account. I commend you for having the guts to pull off such a tactic... and I guess it even worked to your advantage since the gambit was declined? (What I mean by that is you are off the hook for your share of common and childcare expenses... this allows you full control over your entire income, though at the family level there's still a lot of unchecked monetary waste due to your husband's lifestyle decisions.)

I'm following your story with interest and it's giving me some ideas. Thanks and please keep up the journaling Clarice!

Clarice
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Re: How Will My Fascination with ERE Affect My Marriage?

Post by Clarice » Sun May 27, 2018 9:59 am

@Fish:
Thank you for reading my journal. A separate thank you for your feedback. :) The fact that my journey resonates with someone else makes it more meaningful for me. I feel that your assessment of my situation is somewhat inflated. The reality is way less flattering. I stumbled upon the concept of FIRE while having a bunch of pre-existing conditions including (but not limited to) the following:
1. At the time I was almost a stay-at-home mom - my per diem job income was next-to -nothing. In our household I was contributing time and labor and DH - money.
2. I was (and still am) the only child of very old and sick parents who live 10 times zones away from me.
3. I lived (and still do) in the thick of Silicon Valley.
4. DD was (still is) at a Catholic school. I (not DH) put her there. He had his doubts.
5. DD was (still is) at a ballet school. I (not DH) put her there. He had his doubts. I didn't mean for her to have such an expensive hobby. I was a dutiful mom exposing my child to various activities. I took her to a soccer practice. Her instinct was to run AWAY from the ball. I took her to a swimming class.
Me: So, honey, did you like it there in the pool?
DD: No.
Me: Why?
DD: It was wet. :roll:
I took her to a ballet class. For me, it was immediately apparent that in that bunch of random 5-year-old girls she was the best, kind of by far. For her, it was the love at first sight. Fast-forward 7 years to today. She is not the best anymore. She is too short for professional ballet. Her arch, while good, is not ABT-level good. But she still loves it. And I (not DH) let her take it as far as she wants to. So, when I voice my objections to a new couch, a new dining set, a new garage door, and a $1000 wedding gift for DH's nephew he points out that this is a background noise compared to a Catholic School+Ballet school. Mathematically speaking, he is correct.
So my separate expense account is my very humble exercise in tracking my personal expenses. A separate score card helps me do it. The process went like this:
1. Increase my per diem hours.
2. Get a separate bank account.
3. Inform HR of a new bank account.
4. Provide DH with all the info regarding the new account: #, pin #, password, etc.
Nowhere in this process someone asked DH, "Do you agree?" and gave him the opportunity to say, "I don't". Did it "ruffle some feathers"? You bet!
As a rambling side note... during our marriage ceremony many, MANY years ago a guy who performed it screwed up his speech. You know, how they ask you the question, you say, "I do." and they marry you? Our guy worded the question in a way that the correct answer to it was, "I don't" (Do you have anything that precludes you from taking this...). We both chuckled and said, "I don't". With that, he married us. Was that a foreshadow of things to come?
There is another rambling side note... As a native Russian speaker, I keep being mesmerized by English oxymorons: clearly misunderstood, act naturally, exact estimate, found missing, small crowd, fully empty, pretty ugly, seriously funny, only choice, original copies, and the mother of them all ... HAPPILY MARRIED. :twisted:
If you disagree go ahead, chime in - make me jealous... ;)

Jason
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Re: How Will My Fascination with ERE Affect My Marriage?

Post by Jason » Sun May 27, 2018 11:13 am

You and Suomalainen should get together, rob some convenience stores, have sex with a young cowboy/girl and then hold hands and drive off a cliff together.

Clarice
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Re: How Will My Fascination with ERE Affect My Marriage?

Post by Clarice » Sat Jun 09, 2018 8:56 am

My May earning were meager, which prompted me to make a leap and take on a part-time job. Starting Monday, July 2, I will be a staff speech-language pathologist. It won't be 40 hours, but it will be very different from being per diem and working once in a while when someone else is sick or on vacation. Now it's gonna be a Monday though Friday thing. Real accumulation phase - here I come. I've already worked this way for 7 days - God help me! :evil: I came to a skilled nursing facility as a per diem speech therapist. It turned out that they were looking for someone permanent. It was in or out. I took the job.
For now, I am taking a break and mostly on DH's dime embarking on very un-ERE activity - flying to East Coast, leaving DD in a sleep-away camp, and going on a road trip with DH with a stop for my cousin's wedding. My plane takes off in a few hours. I am apprehensive and exited. ;)

Here my May numbers

Autonomous Net Worth: $3,780
Total Pay Checks: $350.04
Total Expenses: $829.60 spent in the following manner:

Girl's Stuff - $145
Cloth at Target for the trip - $145

Education and Entertainment - 218.92
Girls Night Out - $76.92
Amazon Membership - 14.16
Book (Financial Reporting and Statement Analysis) - $5.84
Psychologist - $100
2 Opera Tickets - $22 ( got a $100 gift certificate, had to add to buy 2 tickets for DD and myself).

Transportation - 465.68
Gas - $201.60
Car Service (oil change, transmission fluid exchange, tire rotation) - 264.08

I've been doing this financial autonomy thing for 5 months now. Your questions and comments made me realize that this whole thing feels... somewhat teenagery... like a 14-year-old being really smart with her allowance... Starting in July, I am going to pay for groceries that I buy and take upon myself extracurricular activities of DD. I've made my choices and for now I am locked into a certain lifestyle that I can undo only at a huge cost to myself and others (and I don't mean money). I am not going to blow up my entire ecosystem. I am going to pay for my choices. I am going to pack now. My house looks like a bomb went off - covered in my summer dresses, swimsuits, and sandals. Thanks for reading and for your comments. :)

Jason
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Re: How Will My Fascination with ERE Affect My Marriage?

Post by Jason » Sat Jun 09, 2018 9:29 am

I'm not sure I fully understand what's going on here but I will be look out for the You Tube video titled "Amped up, unhappily married woman causes plane brawl after calling flight crew cheap corporate bitches when request for extra bag of peanuts is denied."

Peanut
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Re: How Will My Fascination with ERE Affect My Marriage?

Post by Peanut » Sat Jun 09, 2018 12:29 pm

Congratulations on the new job! That’s fantastic. I hope the adjustment is smooth. I hope to find pt work in a few years. It’s great you’re in a field with possibilities for that.

I’m still confused and curious about what prompted you to ‘strike out on your own,’ if you will. You were not fully happy with the family savings rate? You are worried about your daughter and the future?

Have a great trip!

Clarice
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Re: How Will My Fascination with ERE Affect My Marriage?

Post by Clarice » Wed Jul 04, 2018 8:32 am

Jason wrote:
Sat Jun 09, 2018 9:29 am
I'm not sure I fully understand what's going on here but I will be look out for the You Tube video titled "Amped up, unhappily married woman causes plane brawl after calling flight crew cheap corporate bitches when request for extra bag of peanuts is denied."
@Jason:
Ha-ha! I wish I could be that entertaining... ;) but no such luck!

My very un-ERE trip was interesting. I went through Deep South for the first time - got really scared of an alligator 30 feet from our kayak, ate grits, and saw a Confederate flag in real life. The trip included flying from San Francisco to Charlotte, NC, renting a car, driving to Winston-Salem and leaving DD at a math camp there. After that DH and I completed the following loop: Winston-Salem, NC -> Durham, NC -> Wilmington, NC -> Charleston, SC -> Savannah, GA -> St. Augustine, FL -> St. George, FL -> New Orleans, LA -> Dallas TX (attended my cousin's wedding) -> Memphis, TN ->Nashville, TN -> Waynesville, NC -> Winston-Salem (to pick up DD) ->Charlotte, NC. Then 3 of us flew back home.

Here is my June accounting:
Pay Checks: $2,504.66
GOGET expenses: 1,298 (added categories of Groceries for the 3 of us and Other Family Obligations)
Autonomous NW: $5,040.84

GROCERIES - $108.10 (regular groceries and a few meals during our trip)
OTHER FAMILY OBLIGATIONS - $1000 (cousin's wedding gift)
GIRL'S STUFF - $115.36 (mostly grooming for the wedding)
EDUCATION AND ENTERTAINMENT - $32.87 (cell phone charger and Amazon membership)
TRANSPORTATION - $41.96 (gas at home)
Everything else was courtesy of DH.

I have to go to work. :roll: Happy 4th of July to everybody! :lol:

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7Wannabe5
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Re: How Will My Fascination with ERE Affect My Marriage?

Post by 7Wannabe5 » Wed Jul 04, 2018 11:29 am

My budget is similarly "teen-agery", and I am not even married :shock: Which is why I am once again wondering about the entire notion of financial autonomy. What is the point of pointing your metrics towards a single bed lifestyle, if that is unlikely to ever be your ideal? (I mean the universal "your" here.)

Jason
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Re: How Will My Fascination with ERE Affect My Marriage?

Post by Jason » Wed Jul 04, 2018 11:46 am

Clarice wrote:
Wed Jul 04, 2018 8:32 am

I went through Deep South for the first time - got really scared of an alligator 30 feet from our kayak, ate grits, and saw a Confederate flag in real life. The trip included flying from San Francisco to Charlotte, NC, renting a car, driving to Winston-Salem and leaving DD at a math camp there. After that DH and I completed the following loop: Winston-Salem, NC -> Durham, NC -> Wilmington, NC -> Charleston, SC -> Savannah, GA -> St. Augustine, FL -> St. George, FL -> New Orleans, LA -> Dallas TX (attended my cousin's wedding) -> Memphis, TN ->Nashville, TN -> Waynesville, NC -> Winston-Salem (to pick up DD) ->Charlotte, NC. Then 3 of us flew back home.
Discounting a few anachronisms, this sounds like a voice over reading of a Union soldier's postcard to his mother in a Ken Burns documentary.

Clarice
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Re: How Will My Fascination with ERE Affect My Marriage?

Post by Clarice » Wed Jul 04, 2018 1:35 pm

7Wannabe5 wrote:
Wed Jul 04, 2018 11:29 am
My budget is similarly "teen-agery", and I am not even married :shock: Which is why I am once again wondering about the entire notion of financial autonomy. What is the point of pointing your metrics towards a single bed lifestyle, if that is unlikely to ever be your ideal? (I mean the universal "your" here.)
@7wb5:

You are absolutely right. I've came to the same conclusion and am moving away from "single bed" metrics. It is false for me. I can blow up my ecosystem only at a huge cost to myself, DD, and DH. I am not gonna do that, therefore, I am locked for the foreseeable future in a suburban mom lifestyle. That's my preexisting condition. I am going to own it. I've taken a new job - with much more hours. Now I am paying for the groceries for the 3 of us. My goal is $250 a month. I can leverage that with my decent cooking skills. I am also paying for DD's activities. I am in a partnership. I am the only member of this partnership pursuing late retirement extreme. For the first 6 months, my situation was lacking internal consistency. By making more money and shouldering my fair share of the partnership I've fixed it. I can not change DH. He is not perusing anything, just going with the flow. As I'm writing this I am in peace with it.
Unlike mine, your situation has always had internal consistency. Your children are adults. You don's owe to anyone "until death do us part". If some guy wants to buy you dinner or enjoys your company while letting you stay rent-free why not? For you it's not teen-agery. You are for real free from the obligations that I have. Teenagers are notorious for insisting on their rights while ignoring the reality of their responsibilities. I am ashamed to admit, but that's exactly what I've done for the last 6 months. Now, if I could I would name my journal, "How My Marriage Will Affect My Late Retirement Extreme?"

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