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Re: LuxVenture's Journal

Posted: Sat Aug 04, 2018 10:23 am
by LuxVenture
Black and white cat wrote:
Mon Jul 30, 2018 11:34 am
Hi LuxVenture,

I'm glad you are doing better.

It does sound like such a struggle to decide on how best to help your friend/ roommate. Without wishing to step on your toes too much, it seems from the very limited knowledge I have of you that you want to be able to help people and that you sometimes take on other people's problems. I, too, do this way too much and it leads to a lot of frustration because it seems that I end up trying to sort things out that I actually have no control over! Most recently this has been at play in my workplace as I have had managers asking me to "get students to do X" and, when I inevitably fail to "make" anyone do anything then it somehow becomes my fault/ my problem to deal with! It also just takes up so much energy that I don't have.
LuxVenture wrote:
Sat Jul 28, 2018 1:29 pm
What are you up to these days? On an FI adventure yourself? How's life? Cheers, I hope your summer has been fantastic as well.
As for me, I haven't yet had to courage to start up a diary on here but hoping I might some time soon! It is mainly because I am in a stage of limbo, with me not quite sure on what I am doing etc. It is likely that I will try to reach semi- ERE (I've got a few years of expenses saved) but my attitude can change quickly depending on whether I have had a good or bad day! I'm 30 F and have done a variety of different things- but mainly research and teaching (adults). I should have more clarity in the next couple of months about what I will do for the next year :)
Hey, it's great to hear from ya!

I definitely take on other people's problems, just like you. Been a life-long struggle having to do with co-dependency, or what I guess has been more recently re-labeled as self-love deficit disorder. It's an issue of control, as much as anything; when you take on other people's issues, you are attempting to exert your influence on them--and though most people that due this do so in the name of good intentions, the effects are often not so benign. I'm still learning to fully respect other's autonomy, that is, their right to make their own decisions and choices in life. Sometimes this means letting others make decisions that you can see aren't going to end well, but need to be allowed so that they can learn from them (rather than having that learn process short-circuited in the name of 'protecting them' which could be interchanged with 'protecting yourself,' your ego, your security). Compassionate disattachment has been the cure for me--letting others be themselves, and focusing on me being me, feeling my own feelings instead of taking on other's feelings as my own, and so on.

That sounds frustrating, having to deal with an unsympathetic administration using you as a proxy for coercing student outcomes. Are there any compromises to be had?

I hope you start a diary! It's rather cathartic, I find, and perhaps good practice for people like us to be a touch self-centered, in a healthy way. The great thing about a diary, as with all writing, is that it is what you make of it--no right or wrong way of going about it, and therefore no real reason to be afraid beyond working through the initial resistance that accompanies starting most creative endeavors.

What are you contemplating doing that has you stuck in limbo? Trying to decide on either research or teaching, or both, or something else entirely? Best of luck with saving! Having a goal to focus on certainly helps with getting through those 'bad days' when the work isn't so gratifying. Best of luck deciding on whatcha want. A question for the ages, lol.

Whatcha enjoy doing for fun?

Re: LuxVenture's Journal

Posted: Mon Aug 06, 2018 1:19 pm
by Black and white cat
Hello there... I have been mulling over your points about co- dependency. I've heard the term before and had a vague notion of its meaning but I've never really delved into it as a concept. I read some things about co- dependency yesterday and- wow- it seems like quite the rabbit warren! Your suggestion that protecting others may be a way of protecting yourself does resonate with me, particularly in a work- setting. For example, I am keen to be seen as somebody who makes the correct decisions; as if somebody is going to tap me on the shoulder one day and do an audit of every decision I've ever made :?

I also particularly appreciate your points about allowing yourself to 'feel your own feelings'. I have always thought it is good to show empathy and understanding, by really putting yourself in someone else's shoes. But doing that at the intensity and frequency that I've done that in the past is exhausting and can leave a person very disillusioned with the world. I think it would be a good thing to 'feel your own feelings' more, rather than simply accepting transfers of others' feelings or just performing the feelings that people expect you to have in a given situation. Do you find that there is also a danger in doing this too, though? For example, in order to protect yourself, you may become more hardened to suffering?

In regards to the potential harms that co- dependency may create and what can, realistically, be done in the face of the tricky situations you mentioned, compassionate disattachment sounds viable but also very difficult to live- out. How is that going with your friend who has problems with alcohol? It always hurts to see people you love hurting and we always just want to do everything we can to stop the pain. But, as you suggest, the pain simply cannot be stopped by others and the dominant public health narrative of 'getting help' is- in my opinion- highly simplistic. In the absence of 'cure' we lurch onto 'hope', despite that hope sometimes being false.

But onto more positive matters... (ugh that's a horrible paragraph transition to do. I should have adopted a different structure!) I will definitely think about starting up a journal. Yes, I'm in limbo because of a mix of not knowing exactly what to do and also what I want not necessarily being available. I would like a teaching contract but I'm not sure in what form or location. Hobbies are politics, creative writing, travel (done quite a bit of this but now would like to do less) and TV series (action/ drama especially).

But enough of me hijacking your journal... bye for now :)

Re: LuxVenture's Journal

Posted: Thu Mar 28, 2019 11:52 pm
by LuxVenture
Cruuuuuuud I let this journal of mine fall off a cliff. My apologies for never writing back to you, cimorene12 & black and white cat--I hope to touch base with y'all soon.

Naturally, a lot has happened in my life these past 8 months.

Probably the biggest event was a ~NEW~ chronic health issue that struck me early September, not long after my last post. I woke up one Saturday morning feeling like the left side of my head was going to split open from a migraine. It hurt, but I figured it was a one off thing. Boy, I was wrong. That was the start of daily migraines, muscle spasms, focal dystonia effing up my brass embouchure (and by extension, my job), lancing pain behind the eyes, nasal drip, complete blockage of my left sinuses. I tried everything, then went to urgent care and tried steroids and antibiotics, which didn't work.

I suspected chronic sinusitis. My moments of fear conflated the symptoms in my head to something dreadful, like cancer. Both my guesses were wrong.

I was faced with a difficult dilemma; I had already planned on calf surgery in 2019, and I figured if I started seeing a doc at the very end of 2018, that would be a ton of money going down the drain. So I toughed out the pain. I've had thoracic outlet syndrome since I was 14, so I sucked it up and told myself I just had to make it to Jan 1st to get help, when the calendar year rolled over . . .

Then on Jan 1, I discovered that my healthcare provider Ambetter had made false claims about their network coverage. ALL the ENT docs they claimed were in-network on their website and healthcare.gov during open enrollment were in fact NOT. I learned this when I started making calls late December. All the ENTs told me over the phone that they were in fact NOT affiliated with Ambetter, and did not understand why Ambetter had them officially listed in their system, that they had NEVER been with Ambetter. (????HOW IS THIS LEGAL????) Turned out my options for an ENT were almost nil in Houston, which makes no sense. Luckily, I used a loophole in the marketplace--turned out my income fluctuation from 2018 into 2019 qualified me for a switch through Jan 3rd. So at the last possible moment, I switched to BlueCrossBlueShieldTX, which about as good as you can get through Obamacare in Texas. I had to wait another month until Feb 1st 2019 for the switch to process, and on that day sat down with my PCP (finally) to get a referral to an ENT.

ENT took a look inside and immediately said, "let's go do imaging." One quick CT scan later, he walked in, and said, "So here are our options for surgery."

Turns out my septum is pretty messed up. It's not deviated in the typical way, with a nice slant. Instead, it bends in the middle--and has a stub poking off. Sort of like the letter Y. And that stub of bone has been drilling it's way into my left sinus . . . which triggers episodes of inflammation . . . which pushes the tissue further into the bone . . . and so on. Unpleasant cycle, that. Oh, and I have bones located behind my eyes that shouldn't be there, pushing down on my sinuses, which are facing the inverse of the direction they should in a human being.

So yeeeeeh, genetics, man. Makes for cool science, but brutal to live out when they go all wonky.

So in about 5-6 weeks, I'll be having two surgeries simultaneously. In the first, the surgeon will cut a good chunk of my septum off, and shave the lining of the affected sinus cavity as well. In the other, he'll remove that large winding branch of bone behind my eyes.

I've had my fair share of surgeries before, but I have to say this is the first one that's scared me. There's something I find unpleasant about the idea of cutting away at the inside of something so sensitive, so adjacent to a majority of the primary sensory receptors of the body, i.e. taste, smell, hearing, seeing. My surgeon seems quite capable after talking with him, but hey, surgery is surgery. Always carries some risks. I'm hoping that my ability to make music--my job and art and identity, if I'm being honest--doesn't accidentally get sliced in twain by the knife.

I'm certain I'll max my out-of-pocket of $6300, so I've been trying to save up. I've also plowed ahead with a contingency plan of self-publishing in case I'm disabled by the surgeries or something silly like that.

Speaking of which, I continued to put out a handful of shorts and am slowly ramping up writing income to cover more and more of my budget. I started a full-fledged novel recently, but am only about 20K words in after a few weeks. I got slowed down figuring out game mechanics for my 'universe' so to speak, ala the LITRPG genre.

Wanna hear about it?

I'm writing YA, about a 16-year-old girl who loves gaming with her genius brother, but struggles to find her own sense of worth while in his shadow. Big-time impostor syndrome and a lack of identity, given her Dad and brother tend to make most of her decisions for her. Then their Dad dies in a freak snowstorm (hello climate change) and their family splinters under the weight of their grief. It falls to the girl to bring her family together again. She adventures into this virtual world with her brother as a way of bonding like old times--except not long after their journey begins, he disappears IRL. Turns out he's been kidnapped and held ransom by some sinister villain. The only way she's ever gonna have a chance of seeing her brother again is by besting the impossible challenges laid out before her--and she'll have to do it by relying on the one person she trusts the least in her life: herself.

On a different, more ERE-related note, net worth is hovering around 26k at this time. Hit a high of 40k last fall, then one of my more heavily-weighted stock picks went sour, and has slowly normalized. I've learned more about risk management, and have been applying my knowledge systematically. Still a long ways off from 200k, and not slowed down by this 6k medical bill that's gonna slam me, along with my lightened teaching load. Speaking of which, that's been wonderful. Despite the incredible fog of pain I've been in healthwise, mentally and emotionally I have never felt so good during my adult life as I have this past year. I'm able to help my remaining kids so much more, without 'sacrificing' myself.

I've had time to read one book a week lately, and cannot recommend doing so enough for anyone who has the time. It's been a smorgasbord of titles--a fair amount of fiction that I read closely to improve my craft (Brandon Sanderson is my writing idol), and quite a bit of non-fiction too. I've become rather obsessive about climate change lately, and recognize that if the most recent 2017-2019 data on non-linear change proves true, then my ERE goals will have to radically adapt. Along with society at large, or whatever form of it is able to survive. I'm sure the topic is beaten to death elsewhere on these forums.

In case you care for a book recommendation . . . my favorite books since I last posted:

Climate Change: What Everyone Needs to Know by Joseph Romm
Wired for Story: The Writer's Guide to Using Brain Science to Hook Readers from the Very First Sentence by Lisa Cron
Rest: Why You Get More Done When You Work Less by Alex Soojung-Kim Pang
Skyward/The Emperor's Soul by Brandon Sanderson
21 Lessons for the 21st Century/Homo Deus by Yuval Noah Harari

I'm feeling tired and it's midnight locally, so I figure it's past time to wrap up this post. Cheers to the ERE community, and thanks for reading.

Re: LuxVenture's Journal

Posted: Wed Aug 07, 2019 3:18 am
by Black and white cat
Sorry to hear about your health problems. Did you go ahead and have your two operations? I hope they went well and that things are better for you.

Your teaching load sounds as though it has been more manageable and that you have enjoyed it more this year... still, I imagine you are glad that it is summer time?! (I presume you've not got a lot of summer teaching to do?)

Have you been able to write? The plot line you told us about does draw the reader in. How are you finding navigating the boundaries of the virtual and 'real' world in the story? What sort of challenges are faced by the main character? I hope you keep us up-to-date with it!