LuxVenture's Journal

Where are you and where are you going?
Jason
Posts: 1052
Joined: Mon Jan 30, 2017 8:37 am

Re: LuxVenture's Journal

Post by Jason » Wed May 02, 2018 7:24 am

My Aunt who now has dementia and has completely forgotten about it was married the weekend after JFK was shot. It was actually mirrored in a Mad Men episode. Personal landmarks always war against historic moments. Let's say a couple were tracking the optimum moment to have a child and it turned out to be September 11, 2001. So they wake up that morning and are preparing to engage in the procreative act but realize something might be going on when the first plane crashes. But they have the day circled on the calendar and feel compelled to proceed. They leave the TV on in the background and are going at it despite having one eye on planes crashing all over the place and buildings fallings down and people running through the streets like its the end of the world. So they're struggling with their natural inclination to really want a child with the fact that there might not actually be a world left for the kid to grow up in. It has to be a real struggle. So they finish the act but they have real mixed feelings afterwards. Was there an appropriate moment to stop? Like when the second tower went down? Now they are not sure if they want the act to be successful or not but it turns out it was and she starts showing and they have this secret between them that they conceived on the morning of 9/11. When people start asking the due date they get nervous because its like early June and they don't want people to get suspicious that they had sex the morning of 9/11. They begin praying to God the child isn't born June 11, 2012 but in fact it is and now the nurses and the OBGYN are looking at them really suspicious at which point they finally break down and admit that they climaxed together after the plane flew into the Pentagon and the whole staff is only going to deliver the 9/11 baby because of some two thousand year old oath they stupidly agreed to. The kid comes out all healthy and shit and every year his birthday is just a reminder of great shame. Then at school one day he learns about 9/11 and some asshole kid does the math and starts calling him Bin Laden and he goes home and asks his parents and they are forced to tell him and he says "You didn't even stop when the second tower came down" and they say "But if we did you wouldn't be here" and he says "I wish I wasn't" and his whole life is lived under a shadow that he was conceived during 9/11 and eventually he is found dead under a bridge due to opioid addiction.

LuxVenture
Posts: 20
Joined: Thu Jun 15, 2017 9:59 pm

Re: LuxVenture's Journal

Post by LuxVenture » Fri May 04, 2018 9:58 pm

I was walking the pavement after hours today when I looked down and a dandy-looking spider caught my eye. He waved a spindly appendage and and gave a curt nod in acknowledgement.
"Fine weather we're having," he whistled in a whispery voice.
"Mmm," I replied smartly.
"Bit humid though."
"Mmm," I followed with great wit.
And so on.
Eventually, words exhausted, the spider and I regarded one another wearily. His eight eyes trained on me in a hoary, violent gaze, he said, "Well, fuck off then, ya cunt."
The world reeled. I staggered and jerked my head away in shock and loathing, pretending to be only slightly hurt, and left. So it goes.

I've been feeling a touch mad lately, from grief. Passing through grief, the worst I've felt in years. As the Bear Hunt song goes, Can't go over it, can't go under it, gotta go through it...

Aw, hell.

You see, I'd gotten my hopes up. (Christ, I sound like Marvin from Hitchhiker's.) My ex and I had been talking, and had had several compassionate exchanges, and seemed to be moving towards reconciliation. We'd been working on ourselves while separated, and showing progress. She'd invited me to join her on a trip to Canada in June. I told her I'd think about it, and had been moving in the direction of a 'hell yes.'

But then a week ago we fell through the cracks, into the abyss of oblivion. A sudden fight, harsh words exchanged, silence, then two days later, I made the mistake of following some advice I'd read in some codependency books: I stood up for myself and asked for some healthy boundaries when it came to our code of conduct during our disagreements. She reacted by cutting me off entirely. She said she doesn't want me in her life any longer, and to respect her boundaries by refraining from further contact.

There's something acutely different about going through a break-up versus being severed. A break-up has more to do with the relationship. You want this, I want that. Let's meet in the middle, if we can. We got problems, so does everyone else. Better get to solving them, if we can. I stomached the initial break-up well enough without losing my lunch.

But being cut off entirely... such a rejection-of-self twists at my grasp on reality. It's a queer sort of pain. Something broke inside me, and out of the shards rushed the ghosts of two years worth of memories in all their haunting glory. All those mornings waking up next to one another with a giggle and a smile and laughter, the times spent traveling, camping, dreaming... all gone up in smoke. Irretrievable, actualized loss. I'm sure I'll look back gratefully one day at those times, but right now, anger and sadness and fear consume me. Passing through the cave of grief, I encountered a bear and now it's gnawing on my carcass. And making a funny face, because I taste of elderberry, which uncannily also happens to taste of regret and self-pity.

Yes, she's entitled to her own choices. I will respect her wishes. Yet I miss her, plain and simple. I wish we could have worked things out, had a chance to right our wrongs. At least, I wish I could have done right by her, better for her. I want that so badly. To love and be loved, to be vulnerable and gentle... everything was looking so promising, right up until it wasn't.

I wish I had been more responsible.

Coulda, woulda, shoulda. Three strikes, you're out.

It's funny, spending so much time working to save money to be 'free'--such long days teaching, then coming home with my brain sizzling like a scrambled egg from long days teaching, barely able to focus on her lucidly, always promising to lighten my work load next semester so we could have more quality time--only to lose all contact with the person I cared about the most in the world. Early retirement... EXTREME! Ha-hah! I know this outcome isn't within my ability to control, and thrashing around internally does no good, but I'm not at that stage of acceptance yet. I feel helpless, stymied, my efforts in vain. Life feels so pointless.

Sure, my 'net worth' has gone up. Right now, though, I feel worthless.

DutchGirl
Posts: 1092
Joined: Tue Sep 06, 2011 1:49 pm
Location: The Netherlands

Re: LuxVenture's Journal

Post by DutchGirl » Sat May 05, 2018 12:21 am

Sorry to read this, LuxVenture. Love hurts, sometimes. :-( . I hope you'll feel a bit better, soon.

Jason
Posts: 1052
Joined: Mon Jan 30, 2017 8:37 am

Re: LuxVenture's Journal

Post by Jason » Sat May 05, 2018 7:25 am

LuxVenture wrote:
Fri May 04, 2018 9:58 pm
I made the mistake of following some advice I'd read in some codependency books: I stood up for myself and asked for some healthy boundaries when it came to our code of conduct during our disagreements. She reacted by cutting me off entirely. She said she doesn't want me in her life any longer, and to respect her boundaries by refraining from further contact.
Man, Joel Rifkin dumped his dead hookers with more concern.

You're better off.

LuxVenture
Posts: 20
Joined: Thu Jun 15, 2017 9:59 pm

Re: LuxVenture's Journal

Post by LuxVenture » Sun May 06, 2018 3:47 pm

Thanks for the support, guys and gals. I'm doing much better, and very grateful for the kind words. I was definitely having a dark time the other night; writing things down took the edge off. Sometimes you just gotta get strong feeling outside yourself, be it by word-of-mouth or down on paper. Er, pixels. Even if reading back over makes me cringe red-faced at the almost histrionic melancholy of it all. That's how feelings go, sometimes. I'm making my way toward acceptance of my life's circumstances and resolve to learn and grow from the whole experience as best I can.

I was enjoying an unusually bad cup of coffee (paid for by book royalties rather than primary income, in keeping with the spirit of posts being at-least-minimally tangentially relevant to ERE) this morning when I thought up a pun. It's likely not original, but given I've always admired puns yet lack a natural creative aptitude for them, this one springing virgin into my mind really tickled my fancy:

"I'm working out so I can show off my guns," he flexed.
"Yea?"
"Aye, here in Texas we strongly believe in the right to bare arms."

LuxVenture
Posts: 20
Joined: Thu Jun 15, 2017 9:59 pm

Re: LuxVenture's Journal

Post by LuxVenture » Mon May 14, 2018 9:49 pm

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Howdy folks. Been out adventuring again, this time at my favorite local Texas state park: Brazos Bend. Hit the trails with a friend of mine for much of the day and stayed the night solo. Immensely rejuvenating--I can't find the words to describe how much a full twenty-four hours in nature did for my mental and emotional well-being. Between the gators, the sunshine, the beef jerky, and the spider that snuck in during my 3 am pissing adventure and wove a web overnight to my pillow, my friend's companionship, and my own feelings of peace, I found myself in a state of simple joy.

Been reading Brené Brown lately, namely, Braving the Wilderness. What a damn fine writer and purveyor of the human condition. I really wish I'd taken a class from her back when I was a student at UH. As it is, learning a lot about connecting with different-minded adults. I already work with children all day long that are unique in their own right and always shifting and growing, but I sometimes struggle to relate with other grown-ups because I'm not around them enough. Adults tend to take me by surprise with their maturity and complexity. I've started talking to strangers lately, often in coffee shops. Doing so makes my stomach do a loop-de-loop every time, but hey, going for it anyhow.

I had 13 book sales this weekend, the most in a long time. Very grateful to see royalty income trickling in even though I haven't put out any short stories in over 3 months.

Doing a mini-study on memory-enhancing techniques. Trying to keep my brain working well as I head into my thirties this week.

Begun saving for surgery on my left calf to treat my compartment syndrome. Getting tired of not being able to walk without being in pain. I've already given up my love--running--and still it demands a greater sacrifice. Looking into traveling abroad for affordable treatment. Heil American healthcare, the scourge of the civilized world.

Pretty sure I'm gonna shell out for Macbook tomorrow. I need Apple for Vellum and haven't owned a real laptop in 10 years, and my decade-old desktop is starting to run slow. I already did my research and think I'm gonna get an Air. Should last me another decade after my desktop fails, is portable for my intended travels/planned nomadic life, is light enough to use as a word processor for writing while hiking the Appalachian trail post-surgery, and runs Vellum without Windows-conversion cloud rental and file-transfer shenanigans.


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