Lightfruit55's Journal

Where are you and where are you going?
lightfruit55
Posts: 102
Joined: Mon Feb 20, 2017 10:47 pm

September 2017 Update

Post by lightfruit55 »

Been a while since my last update. Posting to maintain focus, and my eye on the Semi-FIRE prize.

Semi-FIRE Financial Goals: Progress Level

- liquid networth of 400k [~191k; 47.75% of goal attained]

- paid-off share of house or 100k of housing fund [~61k; 61% of goal attained]

- illiquid retirement savings of 100k [~58k; 58% of goal attained]


How to stop making fear-based decisions

I have just quit my current job and will be joining a new organisation in an unfamiliar role after serving my notice. While I will be getting a decent pay increase, I have to admit that I applied for and accepted the new job out of fear.

I fear being stuck in my current role; I fear career sustainability in my current role; I fear that if I don’t make the career transition now, that the boat would have sailed forever (irrational, on hindsight).

Out of fear, I accepted the new job, the first offer to come my way, without much deliberation. As a result, I have missed out on other possibly-better opportunities that knocked on my door thereafter.

I don’t know a whole lot about my new job, and I don’t know if it will be a good career fit for me. I also cannot seem to shake away my catastrophic thinking that I would suck at my new job (have always felt like a corporate fraud) and that my FI-ERE dream will be derailed for good.

I feel so annoyed with myself. I know, rationally, that I have a decent FU stash, no debt or any major expense, and that I can afford to not make fear-based decisions and take risks (maybe even a short career break!). But with money matters, my irrational fears unseat all rational thoughts.

Anyway, what has been done is done. I am determined to be mindful of such fear-based thinking and decision-making in the future. If you have any advice for me in this regard, I would be grateful.

As always, thanks for reading.

wolf
Posts: 1102
Joined: Fri Jan 06, 2017 5:09 pm
Location: Germany

Re: September 2017 Update

Post by wolf »

lightfruit55 wrote:
Mon Sep 11, 2017 11:11 pm
I know, rationally, that I have a decent FU stash, no debt or any major expense, and that I can afford to not make fear-based decisions and take risks (maybe even a short career break!). But with money matters, my irrational fears unseat all rational thoughts.
Great progress lightfruit55! You are roughly >50% at your SemiFIRE.

What you wrote is so true. Having FU stash means that you can make tough decisions with upward possibilities. But I also know that risking something is not great. Fear-based decisions, they are difficult to handle because emotions are as strong as rational thoughts. Thx for your journal.

Eureka
Posts: 340
Joined: Fri Jun 10, 2016 11:03 am

Re: Lightfruit55's Journal

Post by Eureka »

That is exciting, lightfruit, congratulations with the new job! It is wise to put yourself in new situations every now and then.

lightfruit55
Posts: 102
Joined: Mon Feb 20, 2017 10:47 pm

Re: Lightfruit55's Journal

Post by lightfruit55 »

Eureka wrote:
Tue Sep 12, 2017 8:55 am
That is exciting, lightfruit, congratulations with the new job! It is wise to put yourself in new situations every now and then.
Thanks Eureka for your advice. This has been a great decision so far *crosses fingers*. This job is world's apart from my previous jobs in a different field (which I detested), and I am *gasp" just maybe enjoying it slightly. It almost feels wrong now to actually enjoy a job somewhat...

Since I started this new job, I've been questioning myself as to why I did not seek an "out" from my hateful jobs earlier. I felt "stuck" in my field and conditioned myself then to think that all jobs SUCK and that I was better looking for an out through my practice of "ERE" at all costs. It dawned on me recently that what I had been practising was a bastardised version of ERE. My goal was suboptimal. Escapism is sub-optimal to designing and living a good life. ERE is meant for the latter, not the former. I suppose, so long as one has internalised ERE, FI will come naturally. Better to enjoy the ride to FI than get there ASAP sulking throughout. I'm increasingly aware of my mortality and that life is a journey, not a destination.

I'm also increasingly convinced that there is suitable work for me out there. I just have to try them out and find out what I enjoy and what I don't!!! Having established some financial security, I feel emboldened to try out different jobs and use jobs as a mode of self-exploration. We learn something from everything new we do, don't we.
Last edited by lightfruit55 on Fri Dec 29, 2017 10:29 pm, edited 2 times in total.

lightfruit55
Posts: 102
Joined: Mon Feb 20, 2017 10:47 pm

Review of 2017

Post by lightfruit55 »

By this year end, I would have practised ERE for 4 years. How time flies... I can't believe that I've been visiting this forum religiously for 4 freaking years.

This is what I have to show for it:

Semi-FIRE Financial Goals: Progress Level

- liquid networth of 400k [~210k; 52.5% of goal attained]

- paid-off share of house or 100k of housing fund [~67k; 67% of goal attained]

- illiquid retirement savings of 100k [~61k; 61% of goal attained]

Almost every other significant aspects of my life have also improved tremendously. Mental health, physical fitness, nutrition, relationships, self-esteem, etc, etc.

I am so thankful to Jacob and this thoughtful community. Thanks everyone and Happy New Year!

May you all have a blessed 2018 :)

lightfruit55
Posts: 102
Joined: Mon Feb 20, 2017 10:47 pm

Re: Lightfruit55's Journal

Post by lightfruit55 »

It's been about 10 months since my last post. Despite the lack of updates, I'm still firmly on the ERE track and visit this forum quite regularly. The insights here are intellectually vigorous, and I often feel like I've nothing much to add.

Crunching the numbers on my progress since my last check-in...

Semi-FIRE Financial Goals [Progress Level]

Liquid networth of 400k [~250k; 62.5% of goal attained]

100k of Housing Fund [~82k; 82% of goal attained]

Illiquid retirement savings of 100k [~76k; 76% of goal attained]

Other updates:

New apartment - My partner and I were successful in our bid for a new apartment. Our apartment will be in one of the more premium locations in our country and would cost us more than 400k. Between both of us, we have enough to pay for it in full, but that would leave us with not much left.

Housing ball and chain - The construction of our apartment is scheduled to be completed next year, and that is when we will have to start paying for it. We will also have to pay for renovation costs as our apartment comes bare. My partner has agreed to pay for the lion's share of our housing cost but I won't feel at ease until our house is fully paid up and I have enough to still semi-FIRE. As such, I feel chained to full-time employment... which brings me to my next update.

Full-time employment - I still dislike full-time employment. This is only my fifth year working and I already feel like my tank is quickly running out of gas. I don't even work that hard - mostly regular hours. I also feel like a corporate fraud most of the time, like I have nothing of value to add to any organisation. I cannot be bothered to seek out any professional development and feel myself losing career capital as time passes. This is such an unhealthy attitude but I don't know how to get out of this "first world problem" of mine :roll:. FIRE can't come quickly enough, but I'm going to have to pull through the next few years... until at least our house is fully paid for.

Fitness - My fitness level is the highest it has ever been. Since the start of this year, I've been working out consistently and at generally high intensity levels. I'm no Shawn T, but my fitness can be considered above average. My discipline surprises me even.

General happiness/contentment level - Apart from my struggle with full-time employment, I am generally happy and contented with all other aspects of my life so far this year.

Quadalupe
Posts: 268
Joined: Fri Jan 23, 2015 4:56 am
Location: the Netherlands

Re: Lightfruit55's Journal

Post by Quadalupe »

Sounds you’re on the right track! What is your current savings rate? And what kind of exercise do you do to become a fitness god, just generic workout sessions or a specific sport?

singvestor
Posts: 205
Joined: Tue Jul 21, 2015 12:48 am

Re: Lightfruit55's Journal

Post by singvestor »

Jia you! Great progress on all fronts, including the new apartment!

prognastat
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Re: Lightfruit55's Journal

Post by prognastat »

Good to hear you're making good progress both financially and health-wise. Just use your discontentment with your work to spur yourself on in your other endeavors.

Keep up the good work.

lightfruit55
Posts: 102
Joined: Mon Feb 20, 2017 10:47 pm

Re: Lightfruit55's Journal

Post by lightfruit55 »

Like many others on the semi-ER track, my financial goal posts are constantly shifting further.

I've now surpassed 300k in liquid networth, with my total networth surpassing 450k.

Yet I don't feel secure. Hardly.

The company I work for is not doing well. My gut feeling is that my days in this cushy job are numbered. Either the axe will fall on me (when the higher powers discover how much of an intellectual fraud I am) or I will quit (to protect my retarding mind in this circus of an organisation). And while I'm not terribly afraid of getting the axe (because FU money), my dire lack of "career" vision for the future scares the bejeezus out of me. I simply do not know what I would like to do or pursue going forward in life. I literally draw a blank.

Like a typical asian, my life so far has been very structured: Do reasonably well in school --> Choose a reasonably well-paying profession --> Work. I've not had the opportunity to explore and find my "passion" so to speak. While I have hobbies that I enjoy pursuing, I'm happy pursuing them recreationally.

To date, I've not come across anything in life that I want to pursue excellence in. It seems that I'm just happy and contented puttering... having an easy job working some hours, doing some sports to keep my body fit, dedicating some time to my spiritual practice, spending some time with loves ones, saving some money, enjoying small pleasures in life. I am enjoying my life in this way now, but there is a nagging feeling that I'm "lagging" intellectually, that I've nothing of great value to offer as a mediocre worker, that without any "burning desire" to achieve anything my life can't be a well-lived one.

How can I resolve all these feelings and forge forward decisively in some direction when I don't even know what the problem is? Is there even a problem in the first place?

Thanks for reading.

Jason

Re: Lightfruit55's Journal

Post by Jason »

A few years back, there was an Asian guy in my circle. Really nice guy, as Asian guys generally are. (I don't know if it's ok if you profile an entire ethnic group in a positive manner but I guess I'll soon be finding out). We had interesting conversations because we both were in the NYC region and it was the time of Linsanity. He explained to me the specific pressures of being Asian. Such as it wasn't just that Jeremy Lin was the first Chinese/American basketball player. It was the fact that he was the first Asian American basketball player that went to Harvard. You take the Harvard out and it wouldn't have been such a big deal to the Asian American community. I mean if there was a Jewish basketball player at this point it wouldn't matter if he killed more hookers than Joel fucking Rifkin, as long as he was circumcised, the Jewish community would be ecstatic. But not true with the Asians. Anyhoo, this guy, like you, lived under the constant specter of cultural failure.

My answer to your question "is there even a problem in the first place" is no. But you have to come to that answer yourself. And anyways, what are you going for at this point, to be the best fucking middle-manager the ABC pencil pushing company ever had?

lightfruit55
Posts: 102
Joined: Mon Feb 20, 2017 10:47 pm

Re: Lightfruit55's Journal

Post by lightfruit55 »

@cimorene12: Late reply. While I am generally content and grateful with my current lot, indeed I do also grapple with feelings of "lack of higher purpose". Too much contentment contradicts the "life is suffering" philosophy which I'm increasingly swayed by. Thanks for the redirect to m741's post btw.

@Jason: Do you still hangout in the forum? I don't recall coming across your trademark humour recently. I completely relate to your anecdote and confirm 100 percent the pressures of being asian. During the time of Linsanity, whenever Jeremy Lin was brought up in casual conversations with other asian friends, more knew about his Harvard background than which basketball team he played for.

Update

It's been a while since my last update. Over the past 4 months or so, I've continued to devour content from this forum, especially the thoughtful insights from the ERE journals. Slowly but surely, I am steering away from my initial "work ok job, save 25-33x annual expenses then quit work" mindset towards "YOU HAVE ONLY ONE FUCKING LIFE. YOU HAVE SUFFICIENT FU MONEY. STOP BEING A COWARD AND JUST DESIGN AND LIVE -OR AT LEAST TRY OUT- YOUR IDEAL LIFE" mindset. I’ve got one foot on the “semi-ERE” bandwagon, and the other foot too afraid to leave the ground. When will I ever make the “jump”? What do I want to jump to anyway?

Over the past year or so, I've meditated more and have become increasingly mindful in my everyday life, to the point that I often acknowledge that a particular breath or beat of my heart could be the fucking last. It's a sobering thought that makes me feel so terrified, so thankful and so goddamn alive all at once.

With heightening awareness of my mortality, the need to actually LIVE is becoming more and more of an imperative. Life is too short to be pussyfooting about. At 30, I’m neither young nor old enough. But it’s about time to design the life I want, unshackle my mind from fears and insecurities, and commit to living boldly.

singvestor
Posts: 205
Joined: Tue Jul 21, 2015 12:48 am

Re: Lightfruit55's Journal

Post by singvestor »

What kind of life do you ultimately want? How do you want to spend your time? What do you want to achieve?

lightfruit55
Posts: 102
Joined: Mon Feb 20, 2017 10:47 pm

Re: Lightfruit55's Journal

Post by lightfruit55 »

singvestor wrote:
Thu Aug 29, 2019 1:32 pm
What kind of life do you ultimately want? How do you want to spend your time? What do you want to achieve?
Good question. I've spent the past few months thinking about my ideal life. It's easy to think about it, but difficult to refine and even harder to accept the trade-offs that come with it.

I don't think it's wise for me to postulate about my desires more than 10 or even more than 5 years into the future. But in the next 5 years, stripping away all constraints and limitations (self-imposed or otherwise), my ideal life looks something fuzzy like this:

- simple life
- slow, mindful living
- low-waste living
- peace and contentment as my base emotions
- strong and fit
- good nutrition
- good complexion
- low monthly fixed cost
- moderately-high variable costs which can be easily cut during difficult times
- take a one-year sabbatical
- work part-time???
- maintain loving relationship with my SO
- maintain strong family ties
- being authentic
- move into and furnish new apartment
- maybe start a family???
- work towards ultimate FI

I'm very happy with my progress on all fronts except the bolded items. It would appear that my only roadblock is that I don't have enough money to confidently jump off into a possible career suicide by taking a sabbatical. I realise over the past few months that I simply have no intrinsic motivation for "professional success". It feels like a shame (deplorable even), given my "elite" education, that I've little to no drive for any kind of career achievement other than making money to secure my financial freedom.

Going forward, I don't want to grind like a cog. I want work to be indistinguishable from play, for any work to be on my own terms. But first, I really want to take a sabbatical to experience how a life without work feels like.

lightfruit55
Posts: 102
Joined: Mon Feb 20, 2017 10:47 pm

Re: Lightfruit55's Journal

Post by lightfruit55 »

When I first started on my ERE journey, my initial goal was to reach 300k in liquid net worth by age 30, and then retire off into the sunset (wheeee~~). Looking back, the goal was so naive.

Life passed, and long gone is me, the fresh-from-college kid with only myself to be responsible for. I am now married and a homeowner. There's also ageing parents to look out and plan for. 300k is not going to cut it for retirement.

I realised that it really is quite difficult to postulate with certainty what you want more than 5 years into the horizon.

Anyway, I've passed the big 3-0 with a total net worth close to 550k (out of which 330k is liquid). I honestly don't find my achievement amazing because it seems to me that so many people in my circle could so easily achieve the same or more. But that's not to say that I'm not proud of myself for achieving this initial goal set by my young starry-eyed ERE-obsessed self.

To reward myself for reaching my initial goal by age 30, I decided to buy myself some time. Mustering some courage, I've applied for, and the company has approved (by a stroke of miracle which is unlikely to be repeated), 5 weeks off (unpaid) from work.

I have literally bought some SWAN time for myself, and it feels so fucking gratifying - like gulping down an ice-cold can of fizzy isotonic drink after my first half marathon. 6 years of disciplined ERE adherence has paid off in so many ways. I'm really looking forward to savouring MY time off. During this time off, I intend to engage in deep reflection and set a new direction for my next 5 years - hopefully the next 21km in the marathon.

All of this would not be possible without Jacob and this community. I am so thankful.

lightfruit55
Posts: 102
Joined: Mon Feb 20, 2017 10:47 pm

Pandemic Life Update

Post by lightfruit55 »

How much the world has changed since my last update!

On how I realise I have no intrinsic and internal motivation

My 5-week break off work was a total blast. I had a lot of fun travelling, exercising and generally bumming around. During my break without a job, I was completely unproductive. It has become clear to me that I do not have much intrinsic and internal motivation to achieve anything of real value or worth mentioning. This is very chilling to note.

I realise that I'm not mentally ready for a "full retirement" and that having some kind of a job is good for me. I also realise that I don't dislike job/work as much as I had thought.

Maybe a relaxing full time job or part time job is the way to go.

A lot of think about here.

Mixed feelings toward working from home

After the 5-week break, I went back to work, and barely a couple of weeks after that, the pandemic hit and normal life has been uprooted.

I've been working from home since Singapore introduced its own version of "lockdown", which our government euphemistically termed as a "circuit breaker". Our highly paid ministers are pretty much paid to coin such pretty terms (I digress). This is my first time working from home and my feelings towards it is mixed. I do like the flexibility but I really dislike the melding of work and life/play. In the past, if I go to work, I mentally check out after leaving the office. It is quite difficult to enter "state of flow" and to mentally check-out with ease when working from home. And *to my surprise* I also miss water cooler chats and lunch breaks with close colleagues.

I think going forward, I would like a balance between working from home (provided commute is not too long) and working in the office.

On finances

The stock market has been wild! Notwithstanding, thanks to decent bonus which came in at the beginning of the year, my liquid assets has remained above 400k, with total networth above 500k. DH's business has had to cease operations during this period and he now has no income. Thankfully, he has some savings to tide him over this difficult period and is actively hustling to make some pocket money. I'm always impressed by people who can produce value and make money out of just connections. I don't have it in me (e.g. social skills, likeability, "abundance" and "win-win" mindset) to do that. I do see this as a personal failing and hope to improve in this regard.

Anyway, back to finances.

During this time, I realise that I'm hardly bothered by the stock market swings. I think I've only logged into my brokerage accounts only 2-3 times, checking in on my balances when I make my monthly DCA transactions. I actually have majority of my money in cash and fixed income assets which are fairly liquid. I suppose I have a fairly huge emergency fund (capable of sustaining current expenses for several years instead of months). So my asset allocation is very (way too) conservative and very (way too) SWAN-friendly. It also means that it lacks growth potential. Meh you can't win at everything.

With a fairly large emergency fund, I'm not that worried about losing my job during this period (though it would be a bummer if I did). That said, I'm incredibly thankful for the paychecks and generally low fixed expenses.

Witnessing my husband lose his income just like that has made me hyperaware to the fragility of having a single source of active income and to the importance of hustling and having value producing skills outside of a job / institutional setting. This has made me more determined to shore up my SHTF fund even more, reduce fixed expenses more and to acquire more of such skills. I'm very weak at the latter :( :( :(

On going forward and the pandemic situation in Singapore

I don't have a clear plan at the moment for going forward in the medium term, but the fuzzy one is to look into building talent stacks and value producing skills not limited to formal employment.

The plan for now is to stay safe and healthy, hunker down and continue to build stash (not trying to be self-deprecating, but that's all I seem to be good at) during this time and hope the pandemic shall pass for Singapore and the rest of the world. I also hope to find some way to be "anti-fragile" and come out better after this difficult period.

On the pandemic situation in Singapore, while our national case number is high, it's (thankfully?) largely isolated to our migrant worker community living in dormitories. I would proffer that the living conditions for our migrant workers are on the whole not as bad as what the Western media make them out to be and (as a matter of self-consolation) are better than what the home countries of migrant workers can offer; nevertheless, we could have and can do better. As a developed country, we have failed our migrant worker community and this is very embarrassing for the country. Community transmission among locals are not widespread (so far at least and numbers are trending downwards) and mortality rate remains very low.

In the meantime, I'm also embarking on a (second) re-read of the ERE book, and hope to pick up deeper insights this time around.

lightfruit55
Posts: 102
Joined: Mon Feb 20, 2017 10:47 pm

Working on my self-image

Post by lightfruit55 »

Well, where do I begin. I have no structure in mind for this post so I’m just going to ramble and hopefully the rambling is sufficient rumination to bring forth some mental clarity.

These days, I’ve been thinking about the root cause(s) of my insecurities about money. The thing is, I know that I have enough money (at least for the short-mid term of a couple of years) yet I still feel so insecure about money. Well, I am still in my accumulation phase and the path is very clear to me – just keep at it and I’ll reach the (ever-shifting) goal post number. This accumulation path is clear and mostly comfortable but (from the perspective of life) seems so insipid, like my personality.

Maybe it’s not money that I’m insecure about. Maybe I’m insecure as a person, insecure about my value and my place in this world.

As I reread some of my forum posts (especially the latest one in AE’s journal), I have to say that my self belittlement and pessimsm really shines. For the record, I don’t feel depressed or mentally ill or anything. However, I feel like I need to begin to address these self-image issues in my life and FIRE journey.

I don’t feel that my self belittlement or pessimism is to the extent of being debilitating. I just want to understand the reason(s) for my self belittlement and pessimism. Maybe the reasons for my self belittlement and pessimism are some kind of inferiority complex and/or psychological trauma? Or maybe the reasons are just that I’m modest and risk averse by nature?

To begin, I feel “average” to (at best) “above average” in almost every salient aspects of my life – appearance, intelligence, sociability, upbringing, etc. I don’t believe there’s anything about me that stands out and I mostly feel that I’m a fly on a wall / wall flower kind of person.

I know some people may think: “Ohhh you having graduated with an x degree from x university is hardly average” or “Ohhh you having accumulated x networth is hardly average”, etc. But to me, these are average, does not take any genius to achieve, and definitely nothing to be impressed about.

In every aspect of my life, from health to personal finance to my job, I feel that it’s so simple to be average. Take health for example. For nutrition, I just need to not overeat and be intentional about my everyday food choices. As for physical fitness, I just try to stay active and do some exercises everyday – be it HIIT/runs/toning/yoga. For personal finance, I just make sure to spend in line with my values and save the rest. For my career, I just show up and follow instructions.

I’m not a nutrition, fitness, investment or career enthusiast or specialist. I don’t have any special knowledge and don’t know the slightest clue about how to optimise any of that, and I do not have any stellar results to show for anything. But I do (as does everyone) know the basics and what not to do e.g. don’t eat too much, don’t eat too much processed food, don’t be sedentary, be active in everyday living, don’t take on debt, save more than you spend, etc.

So you see, everyone can do what I do, and there’s nothing special about me. In fact, I’m always so impressed by people who are intrinsically motivated to do more than what I do.

So yes, to sum it up, I truly feel that I’m just one snowflake and there’s nothing special about me. I don’t know if it’s a good or bad thing but it increasingly feels like I’m an NPC in this world.

Stahlmann
Posts: 1121
Joined: Fri Sep 02, 2016 6:05 pm

Re: Lightfruit55's Journal

Post by Stahlmann »

hmm.
Last edited by Stahlmann on Mon Jun 01, 2020 1:15 pm, edited 1 time in total.

bostonimproper
Posts: 581
Joined: Sun Jul 01, 2018 11:45 am

Re: Lightfruit55's Journal

Post by bostonimproper »

Given the split between your feelings in the immediately-after-a-five-week break post and now, I would guess your real anxieties have little to do with yourself or your money, but that your job is not the right fit.

lightfruit55
Posts: 102
Joined: Mon Feb 20, 2017 10:47 pm

Re: Lightfruit55's Journal

Post by lightfruit55 »

So there's a chance I may be laid off in the next few months. I have very mixed feelings about it. On one hand, there's a fair bit of financial anxiety which is causing me to check in on my spreadsheets a lot more often these days. On the other hand, I feel that getting laid off may finally present the blank slate which I can then dream and experiment my desired lifestyle(s), provided that I don't immediately run off to find another full time employment. I am already starting to look at new jobs (with full on dread and all).

My current liquid networth is now around 13-14x comfortable normal expenses, and can probably stretch to close to around 18 years. I don't know how much more fucking financial security I need to stop being scaredy cat.

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