Early Retirement Extreme Forums

Jason wrote: ↑

Mon Sep 24, 2018 4:55 pm

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2uAj4wBIU-8

That scene went through my head too when she dropped the bomb.

Needless to say, she came back as expected and the kids have started calling me "daddy" over the weekend.

wood wrote: ↑

Mon Sep 24, 2018 1:10 pm

She's stressed out. She's feeling the heat at work and in turn feels like she doesn't have the capacity to make me happy and be my GF...

So why does she *feel* the need to dump you, based on *feelings* rather than mo'fuckin' talk to you about it? Why is it not the most obvious thing in the world to *tell* you about whatever issues she's having and then help the both of you find a way through it?

I might be world champion in time-for-relationship-assessment-honey-bring-out-your-scorecards but...jeez. Talk to each other for fuck's sake, you're supposed to be the closest person in her life, why is her instinctive reaction to dump you rather than just spend 30 minutes talking? It's like the *NT* relationship superpower: you can tell us, we won't freak out immediately.

1. Address the situation not the person.
2. Lay out facts as you see them.
3. Profit!

wood wrote: ↑

Mon Oct 01, 2018 2:25 am

Needless to say, she came back as expected and the kids have started calling me "daddy" over the weekend.

That's nice. But I'd feel more confident if she was the one calling you "daddy."

@FBeyer:
I have no short answer for your question, but I agree with you and (in hindsight) she agrees with me.

Part of the issue is being too stressed out in life and not having (taking) the time to reflect what is stressing her out. Dumping me was like a side effect of her needing to remove herself from a situation that seemed overwhelming. Completely irrational behaviour from a logical point of view, we should be able to work on issues together. She realized that pretty quickly too. I trust that she's learned from this event and I won't accept it if it happens again.

I've noticed many women who are like this. When shit hits the fan and they are overwhelmed by emotions they throw logic out the window. My GF happens to be some kind of supermom who stands on the gas pedal with both feet until she burns out. It takes a lot for her to burn out but this summer has been tough.

I would definitely be more hesitant to commit after something like this happened until I've seen a decent amount of evidence of an actual change of heart.

You know, maybe this isn't just about *her* but about *them*. Some of us do have personalities that will come across the wrong way until gotten used to. Given that our honorable protagonist has rushed somewhat into a relationship that involves an entire family, maybe there are personality-related kinks that need to be ironed out. We all carry baggage and some people's well-intentioned behavior could exacerbate any niggling emotional injuries.

wood wrote: ↑

Mon Oct 01, 2018 5:43 am

I trust that she's learned from this event and I won't accept it if it happens again.

Yeah, she learned all right. Learned she could kick your ass to the curb and you'd go back for more.

And what do you mean you won't accept if it happens again? Are you not going to leave or are you not going to go back?

prognastat wrote: ↑

Mon Oct 01, 2018 9:41 am

I would definitely be more hesitant to commit after something like this happened until I've seen a decent amount of evidence of an actual change of heart.

Thing is I never saw a change of heart at any point, even the breakup seemed to be against her will at the time. What can I say, it looked like she was in some sort of panic/anxiety mode and thought that breaking up would put everything into normal mode again. She came to her senses 2 days later.

FBeyer wrote: ↑

Mon Oct 01, 2018 11:46 am

You know, maybe this isn't just about *her* but about *them*. Some of us do have personalities that will come across the wrong way until gotten used to. Given that our honorable protagonist has rushed somewhat into a relationship that involves an entire family, maybe there are personality-related kinks that need to be ironed out. We all carry baggage and some people's well-intentioned behavior could exacerbate any niggling emotional injuries.

That's about right. She does carry emotional baggage from her previous marriage. She noticed a couple of things in my behaviour which she extrapolated into thinking she was going to re-live her marriage all over again. This causes anxiety and I would probably react the same way. I carry some baggage myself from being cheated on, and even if it doesn't play out in scenes of jealousy/insecurity I would definetely put my guard up and consider breaking it off if I started seeing red flags. I suppose the difference being that I'm used to bringing such stuff up for conversation, whereas my GF is used to communication not working.

Jason wrote: ↑

Mon Oct 01, 2018 2:32 pm

Yeah, she learned all right. Learned she could kick your ass to the curb and you'd go back for more.

And what do you mean you won't accept if it happens again? Are you not going to leave or are you not going to go back?

You could say that. You could also make the argument that she has now learned of the importance of communicating. Note that I didn't go to her after she broke up. It was her who came back to me. Admittedly I did accept her explanation and apology. I also let her know that there is only one second chance. If she throws something like this in my face again, I'm out. I trust that she won't and leave it at that.

Whether I've handled this the right way is definetely up for debate. Only time will tell if I made the right decision.

Well, I hope things work out for you even though I don't think they will.

2015:
Savings rate: 19%
Total yield on Investment Portfolio: 25%

2016:
Savings rate: 34%
Total yield on Investment Portfolio: 28%

2017:
Savings rate: 31%
Total yield on Investment Portfolio: 15%

2018:
Savings rate: 6%
Total yield on Investment Portfolio: 3%

By my projection, you'll be losing money on investments while incurring debt next year

Although I'm not concerned about my financial situation I do realize that getting involved with family life is going to both cost money and move the goal posts. It's already quite visible in my bank account statements. I'm hopeful that I can continue to create a positive yield on my existing stash and also add some savings to it.

I've obviously noticed a radical change in myself along with the change in my life situation. ERE is no longer one of my top priorities in life. I think at some point it will become more of a priority to focus on savings rate, but right now I'm just a happy family member who is tied up with house chores and raising kids In other words, I value family more and my father dying last year just made it even clearer to me: I want family and it is more important than financial freedom. I already feel quite free. My work salary could probably be replaced with with portfolio withdrawals for 5-6 years if I had to.

It's been almost a year since I met her now. I've stopped going for boxing workouts, my fitness levels are slightly worse and my savings rate has dropped. My time is spent on kids, relationship and house chores and I spend less (or no) time on dating, socializing, workouts, reading and chilling out. I'd like to read and workout a bit more and I think it's doable with better planning. I'd also like to save more but that will come in time as our life gels more together.

I'll continue to post updates and follow the forum. I enjoy reading some of the discussions in here when I have the time.

Oh and Jason, please expound on your last post. You might make me aware of something I haven't considered.

Your life has changed so much since the start of your journal. Where do see yourself at the end of 2019?

wood wrote: ↑

Thu Jan 24, 2019 7:32 am

I want family and it is more important than financial freedom.

Maybe can do both?

I definitely would keep maintaining your health a priority and doing some kind of exercise, it's actually more important now that you have a family to take care of. Think what would happen if you got sick or worse yet died? Staying somewhat healthy I would say is even more important than continuing improving your financial progress. Of course you can try to combine spending time with family and being healthy such as taking a walk with your kid regularly.

I've obviously noticed a radical change in myself along with the change in my life situation. ERE is no longer one of my top priorities in life. I think at some point it will become more of a priority to focus on savings rate, but right now I'm just a happy family member who is tied up with house chores and raising kids In other words, I value family more and my father dying last year just made it even clearer to me: I want family and it is more important than financial freedom.

Amazing. You describe exactly how I feel. Financial freedom was the absolute first priority for me as a highly individualistic (OK, selfish) late 20's something. Now at 34 I just want to start a family of my own. Yeah, it's gonna be expensive. But isn't that the whole point of saving? What good is being financially free and emotionally empty? I no longer view my stash as F-you money. It is not ' F you, I have money,' but 'F it, I have money'.

wood wrote: ↑

Thu Jan 24, 2019 7:32 am

Oh and Jason, please expound on your last post. You might make me aware of something I haven't considered.

Prenup.

Edit:

And maybe the lack of exercising is not such a bad idea.

https://nypost.com/2019/01/25/gym-hit-w ... etirement/

Viktor K wrote: ↑

Fri Jan 25, 2019 12:46 pm

Your life has changed so much since the start of your journal. Where do see yourself at the end of 2019?

Maybe can do both?

It has changed immensely. But I was happy before too. It was just very very different.
I see myself living 100% Integrated with this family every day of the week by the end of the year, sharing the ups and downs of everyday life. A year from now we are likely to be looking at a bigger house, because then the boys won't have to share rooms and we would have better room for more children in case we want that. Also, overnight guests won't have to sleep in the same room as the kids.

Looking at future costs, including a shared house and car, will make it pretty much impossible to ERE in the way I envisioned when I joined this forum. That's the price to pay for the decision I've made. But personally I keep my already existing stash untouched and it will keep growing, although at a slower rate. At an individual level I will probably hit FI in my 40's instead of 30's, but that is FI measured at an individual level. It is in case family life ceases to exist and I'm headed for single life again. In that sense it provides a sense of security, in that despite having something precious that I can lose (Family) atleast I won't be f..cked financially.

ERE'ing the whole family will require so much effort from everyone involved that I'm not sure it's worth striving for, because there is a huge distance in comfort levels between ERE life and "normal" life. We would have to live smaller, not bigger, which would lead to more effort having to be put into solving family conflicts. My GF would have to start zero tolerance towards shopping, restaurants and spa. She keeps it very modest but this is an expensive country and we don't make high salaries. I'd have to convince her of a lot of things that she is likely to perceive as an attack on the lifestyle she's putting forward for the kids. Nope. I rather choose to stay content with what we have and make small adjustments in the right direction (financially) instead of suggesting we turn our lives upside down. Maybe we'll get there with time but it's not the main priority.

Of the many things I learned this past year, one of them is that having kids certainly changes everything.

prognastat wrote: ↑

Fri Jan 25, 2019 1:01 pm

I definitely would keep maintaining your health a priority and doing some kind of exercise, it's actually more important now that you have a family to take care of. Think what would happen if you got sick or worse yet died? Staying somewhat healthy I would say is even more important than continuing improving your financial progress. Of course you can try to combine spending time with family and being healthy such as taking a walk with your kid regularly.

That's a nice way of looking at it. I thought of your post the other day and later found myself going for a 10-minute jog with the boys.

elegant wrote: ↑

Fri Jan 25, 2019 1:40 pm

Amazing. You describe exactly how I feel. Financial freedom was the absolute first priority for me as a highly individualistic (OK, selfish) late 20's something. Now at 34 I just want to start a family of my own. Yeah, it's gonna be expensive. But isn't that the whole point of saving? What good is being financially free and emotionally empty? I no longer view my stash as F-you money. It is not ' F you, I have money,' but 'F it, I have money'.

I know right?

It feels like choosing between 2 different life paths. And I should add that the individualistic ERE path for me included reckless sexual behaviour, occasionally smoking weed, some video gaming and a lot of time available to pursue different healthy interests as well. In contrast, I view my current life as Vanilla, or what is commonly referred to as blue pill. It is expensive, hard work and not enough sleep. But it has a positive effect on me and life gets a lot easier when you have a frame that people can put you in. I don't see one path being better than the other, but if I'm gonna live Vanilla, this is how I want the setup to be.