journal of wood

Where are you and where are you going?
Jason
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Re: journal of wood

Post by Jason » Mon Mar 05, 2018 10:27 am

[*]
wood wrote:
Mon Mar 05, 2018 10:10 am

I might have had something like 18 separate encounters with women in February so I call that 18 dates
-
Man, to think it wasn’t even a leap year.

Stahlmann
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Re: journal of wood

Post by Stahlmann » Mon Mar 05, 2018 2:33 pm

- A majority of men are clueless. Not saying I'm not.
Well... The first rule is to be attractive. The second rule is... there are not any rules than the first one... Even if this is "misogyny", I haven't found better model for male-female realationships in Homo Sapiens species... Women flooded with constant male attention can do whatever they want - finally somebody will meet their (more or less) irrational criteria.

(I don't live under the rock. There is also cut off mark for women and there are many of them who are outed from this "game"... but there are no virgin women basement dwellers...) (yep, I have there male perspective on human needs...)

If you managed to meet with 18 ladies in one month and the meetings didn't end after you see each other - consider yourself very (very) lucky. I mean... there are not so many guy like you.

[yep, I know there will come some lady and call me basement dweller, virgin and so on - but it misses the point entirely; there will also some kind of alpha male who will come and bash me for not trying harder and try to say he met 43 ladies in February...].

I think this is the biggest obstacle people encounter during communication topics like dating, money, intellect etc. ...

Which brings me to my final point...

Please use introvert with more caution. In my case I think 5 ladies gave me some kind attention (I count everything more than a bit forced "how do you doing?") in my entire life and... I know there are guys who are in worse situation.


EDIT: eh. cyclothymia kicked one more time...

slowtraveler
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Re: journal of wood

Post by slowtraveler » Mon Mar 05, 2018 6:58 pm

Not luck, skill. This man had quite a journey just a year ago. He's been working at it.

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Bankai
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Re: journal of wood

Post by Bankai » Tue Mar 06, 2018 7:29 am

Stahlmann wrote:
Mon Mar 05, 2018 2:33 pm
Well... The first rule is to be attractive. The second rule is... there are not any rules than the first one...
Have you read Harry Browne's "How I found freedom in unfree world"? From this as well as you previous posts on the subject, you appear to have many beliefs that fulfill Browne's definition of a 'box'. Realising this is the first step to changing them.

wood
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Re: journal of wood

Post by wood » Tue Mar 06, 2018 9:17 am

Stahlmann wrote:
Mon Mar 05, 2018 2:33 pm
- A majority of men are clueless. Not saying I'm not.
Well... The first rule is to be attractive. The second rule is... there are not any rules than the first one... Even if this is "misogyny", I haven't found better model for male-female realationships in Homo Sapiens species... Women flooded with constant male attention can do whatever they want - finally somebody will meet their (more or less) irrational criteria.
How do you define attractive? There are many ways someone can be attractive. You may have lucky/unlucky genes, but it is also an art that can be practiced. You can even manipulate it, because you can manipulate people - yourself included.

I'm also aware that luck/random exists everywhere, and that you may try and fail (note that we might have different perspective on what failing means). That's just life. It's not fair. Sure I'm lucky. A bunch of things make me lucky. I'm with Keith Richards; he's happy to be here - he's happy to be anywhere. And so while Keith has all the luck in the world, he can still choose his own mindset. If you have the right mindset, what do you need luck for?

Jason
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Re: journal of wood

Post by Jason » Tue Mar 06, 2018 9:30 am

I recently finished Keith Richards autobiography and when I try to explain it to people by saying “It’s intellectual antecedents are found in Augustine’s “Confessions” they look at me like I’m a pretentious douchebag which I am but not in this specific instance.

Near death experiences was a daily activity for him. And the guy was just different, physiologically and psychologically. I highly recommend the book. It’s not what you think it’s going to be. Kind of like this blog.

wood
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Re: journal of wood

Post by wood » Wed Mar 07, 2018 4:58 am

Jason wrote:
Tue Mar 06, 2018 9:30 am
I highly recommend the book. It’s not what you think it’s going to be. Kind of like this blog.
Noted and acknowledged. Don't read the Mick Jagger biography. It's boring.

Jason
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Re: journal of wood

Post by Jason » Wed Mar 07, 2018 10:21 am

Yeah, I could see that as nothing more than a monthly accounting of how many women he met.

wood
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Re: journal of wood

Post by wood » Thu Mar 29, 2018 7:49 pm

Life has taken 180 again. For the better I would say.

A close friend invited me for his annual party 6 weeks ago. Having befriended my ex he had also invited her. I met someone awesome at the party. She basically fell for me that night. Romantic stuff happened and my ex witnessed the vibe. I spent the following days with this woman while simultaneously cutting the cord with my other half-assed relationships and dating candidates. Now 6 weeks later I find myself in a monogamous relationship that I really enjoy. My ex got the trigger she probably needed to stop hoping to get back together. The woman, let's name her "R" for the sake of this journal, has 3 beautiful kids and if someone had told me just a couple months ago that I would enjoy being the stepdad to someone else's kids I would laugh out loud, finish my beer, walk towards Ms Hotlips near the exit and give her the privilege of playing hide and seek at the playboy tiny house. But I really enjoy spending time with them and I do well with kids. Comparing with page 1 of this journal I have gone through a serious transition. Life is funny. I've just realized I want kids in my life.

Cold facts. She's 4 years older than me, divorced 4 years ago from a 10 year marriage and has 3 kids (same father). No visible drama with her ex. She's an ambitious fixer, career on track, almost paid-down house, dreams of becoming FI/business owner and is head over heels inlove with me. My good friend vouches for her, stable family relationships and her friends seem to love her. She cleans, cooks, bakes, provides car transport to my boxing workouts, likes hiking and camping, wants to enjoy a simple life and she has a dog. She's literally a fit supermom, and a milf. These are all good things. God knows what she needs me for? Well, I know.

I can see one challenge present itself in the medium term future. She believes in pooling resources together. She makes a lot of money, but upkeep is high with 3 kids, big apartment, car and lifestyle inflation. Income- and cost sharing is likely to add another 10 years until FI. I want to keep finances separate and stick to my FI-in-5-years-plan. We've only touched these topics lightly, it's just been 6 weeks. But this is looking promising and I know it will come up so I look for clues. I'm completely on board wanting to invest time and energy on helping out with the kids. The financial aspect is where we might clash. She seems willing to do things on my premises though.

I have to admit. This came like lightning from clear sky. I did not expect to meet this person at this point. I'll refrain from making the clichè statement of having met "the one", but I do believe that this woman can offer most of the things I seek in a partner, rationally speaking. A few months ago I made a list of desired qualities/traits and she hits 17 out of 19 or something like that. Freak luck. And I don't even know if I can consider myself ready yet, you know? I was envisioning a few years alone now and feeling alright with that. I was like "I'm single and pretty happy in my spare time, ladies keep lining up at my doorstep, money game is handled, sixpack near completion, got my personal goalsetting system going and content with my job, what the hell do I need a relationship for at this point?" And she has been icing on the cake up to this point, a bonus in my life. Not a needed necessity, but a welcomed surprise.

Advice?

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7Wannabe5
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Re: journal of wood

Post by 7Wannabe5 » Fri Mar 30, 2018 9:47 am

Welcome to the complex world of mid-life dating.

First huge consideration would be ramifications of pooling your resources with somebody who is already to some extent resource-pooled for life with the father of her 3 children. Like it or not you will effectively be entering into a poly-relationship in the realm of the Practical (as opposed to the emotional, sexual, or social realms of relationship) by agreeing to her terms of contract. For simple instance, based on real life files of my relationships with divorced fathers, her Ex does not want to chip in 50/50 to pay for daughters to attend horseback riding camp, and neither do you, but guess what, terms of his divorce settlement do not oblige him to do so, but terms of your marriage agreement pretty much do.

My BF had to pay for new tires for his ex-wife's SUV this month, above and beyond his child support and alimony payments, and he commented on the fact that I was less concerned about this sort of thing than most other women he might be dating. Truth is that if I was in any variation of conventional Bride-zilla mode in relationship to him, I might feel/behave more like most other women, but because I recognize that most older men with large resource bases are likely to be poly-functional, and I have already corrected for that in my own orderly calculations and mechanisms, I don't.

I hope this makes some kind of sense - lol. I'm not saying don't do it. I am saying that you need more than a 17 point checklist to make this decision. You need a systems diagram.

Jason
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Re: journal of wood

Post by Jason » Fri Mar 30, 2018 3:44 pm

wood wrote:
Thu Mar 29, 2018 7:49 pm
God knows what she needs me for? Well, I know.
We're looking no further than your name, correct?

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Family father
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Re: journal of wood

Post by Family father » Sun Apr 01, 2018 4:31 pm

wood wrote:
Thu Mar 29, 2018 7:49 pm
A few months ago I made a list of desired qualities/traits and she hits 17 out of 19 or something like that.
No matter what moment in my life I had made a list like that, 10 years later it would have probed not only wrong, but absolutely missing direction.. :oops:

(Maybe looking back in your life tells you something in the line?) (or maybe I'm just colorblind when it comes to that)

I'd say relations don't only depend on how you are at the moment you know each other, but also on the directions everyone evolves.. and how the other feels about it...

And conscious effort to love and make yourself lovable..

Anyway, I would suggest: enjoy the trip, and keep your finances separated until a very significant period of time has gone through..

EdithKeeler
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Re: journal of wood

Post by EdithKeeler » Sun Apr 01, 2018 9:25 pm

I can see one challenge present itself in the medium term future. She believes in pooling resources together. She makes a lot of money, but upkeep is high with 3 kids, big apartment, car and lifestyle inflation. Income- and cost sharing is likely to add another 10 years until FI. I want to keep finances separate and stick to my FI-in-5-years-plan. We've only touched these topics lightly, it's just been 6 weeks. But this is looking promising and I know it will come up so I look for clues. I'm completely on board wanting to invest time and energy on helping out with the kids. The financial aspect is where we might clash. She seems willing to do things on my premises though.
Congrats on finding a companionable person. I’d say enjoy it, but don’t make any commitments about pooling resources, etc. for a while. Six weeks is not that long, and not to be too cold, there’s a lot of research on the science of love. Right now in the early stages of the relationship, your brain is swimming in dopamine and sexual arousal actually turns off much of the critical thinking parts of our brain. So—enjoy it all! But I suggest waiting a bit before making any big decisions.

That said, I know a couple that got engaged just knowing each other 5 weeks (though the engagement lasted over a year), and they celebrated their 30 year anniversary a few months ago. Anything could happen and I hope the best happens for you. But if it doesn’t, it can be hard to extricate yourself if stuff is comingled.

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FBeyer
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Re: journal of wood

Post by FBeyer » Mon Apr 02, 2018 6:44 am

It's scientifically proven too: Love is something you fall out of after about two years, UNLESS you both actively work to keep it up, in which case it tends to last for as long as you both work together. In other words: you can plan for bliss.

Grat's Wood, you're experiencing serendipity in the form of binomial probabilities. The more nice people you hang around with, the faster you'll find someone you really click with.

Have fun.

Jason
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Re: journal of wood

Post by Jason » Mon Apr 02, 2018 7:43 am

I hope it works out. But if it doesn't, I would be curious how breaking up with four people at the same time plays out.

wood
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Re: journal of wood

Post by wood » Tue Apr 03, 2018 3:39 am

2017
feb 30%
mar 19%
apr 62%
may -59%
june 57%
july 48%
aug 58%
sept 53%
oct 62%
nov 27%
dec 61%
AVG 38%

2018
jan 32%
feb 28%
mar 27%

Thanks for the advice and well wishes everyone.

What strikes me this time around is that I'm actually able to think with the rational part of my brain in the middle of all this. Which is why different questions are popping up in my head at this early stage, e.g. what are the financial implications of living together, would I be okay sharing the cost of having a car despite not really needing one personally, will the minimalist in me get annoyed by all her stuff, how does she handle disagreements and negative emotions etc. I want to think things through before opening my mouth and giving my opinion. It's like I'm taking the sceptical stance instead of diving in. Opposite of what I did in the past.

I've been holding back with her and avoided making any commitments. She hasn't met my family or friends yet, but in 2 weeks I will have met most of her friends, kids, siblings, parents and ex. Initially I was attracted to her and curious about family life. Now I found out I'm loving it! So the next step will for sure be to discuss the important stuff. She is hinting at it and I'm okay talking about it. But I need to figure out where my boundaries are, how much I'm willing to compromise and which other questions to ask myself.

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7Wannabe5
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Re: journal of wood

Post by 7Wannabe5 » Tue Apr 03, 2018 11:21 am

She hasn't met my family or friends yet, but in 2 weeks I will have met most of her friends, kids, siblings, parents and ex.
Danger, Danger, Will Robinson!!!

I hate to be a negator, but I have been on both sides of this equation in different phases of my life. She is giving you the rush and encircling you with the whole of her social life before the two of you had much of any time at all to explore or develop your relationship as a couple. I will offer by way of compare and contrast the fact that even though my kids were in their late teens at the time of my divorce, I never would have introduced them to a man I was dating so quickly.

I have seen this happen before to some mid-life divorced men in my acquaintance, and my prediction would be that you will marry this woman, and then you will have to buy a boat in order to have something resembling your own life any more.

Remember when you are doing the calculations, it's not how much the other person is able or willing to chip in towards a lifestyle, it is how much they are willing or able to chip in towards the lifestyle you want, inclusive of style of management and decision making. My suggestion would be that you test my theory by making bold request of her to drop her to-do list and go off with you to a realm where you hold sway for some not insignificant period of time and see how that flies.

wood
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Re: journal of wood

Post by wood » Tue Apr 03, 2018 1:18 pm

You might be right and she might be in a rush, but I wouldn't say she is pushing me. I don't feel rushed, it all feels quite comfortable and I manage these kind of situations (introductions) well. It's not being done unless I'm completely ok with it, and I have communicated to her that it feels abit premature for me to introduce her to my friends and family, which is why I'm holding back on that for a little while. She's perfectly fine with it. She's crazy in love, I can tell. So in a nutshell, she is throwing a lot of love, trust and freedom in my direction and making me feel ok about it simultaneously.

On the other hand, objectively speaking, she is taking a lot of risk. And I guess that's part of my point. The risk is on her side at this point, not mine, unless I start making commitments. Introducing her kids to some younger man she just met can backfire, especially if it happens over and over with several men. She divorced 4 years ago and I'm the first man who's met her kids after that (unless everyone lied and passed on my hidden shit tests so far). But I'd feel terrible about having to break up with the kids though, if it doesn't work out. Then again, I have to meet the kids to even know if that part is likely to work.

I get what you're saying though and I thank you for the advice. I keep reconsidering our relationship and asking myself if things are happening on my premises or not. So far the answer is yes and I've never been this optimistic, but then again it is still so early.
My suggestion would be that you test my theory by making bold request of her to drop her to-do list and go off with you to a realm where you hold sway for some not insignificant period of time and see how that flies.
Already did and will definitely do more of it. Good suggestion.

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7Wannabe5
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Re: journal of wood

Post by 7Wannabe5 » Tue Apr 03, 2018 1:35 pm

Okay, sounds like you are pretty firmly grounded. I was having a bit of a flashback to the occasion, when upon very short acquaintance with him (maybe a week?), my "ex"s two charming daughters asked me to paint with them one evening, while their doting Daddy beamed approval upon the 3 of us from his giant leather armchair throne. Never mind. Carry on : )

wood
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Exhausted

Post by wood » Thu May 03, 2018 5:48 am

2017 38%

2018
jan 32%
feb 28%
mar 27%
apr 1%

Low savings rate in April single handedly as a result of Holiday Budget 2018 being booked/spent this month.

I am entering blended-family-life with my girlfriend, her 3 kids and dog and it is proving to be a major transition for me. We're not even planning to cohabitate, but after every 2-3 days in her home with the kids around, I get exhausted and need a break. After 1-2 days off I dive back into it. The kids require constant attention (expected), they have so much energy (expected) and I don't get much attention at all from GF (expected). This feels a little frustrating for me (unexpected) and she is starting to have trouble being in the middle and balancing it all out.

I think this is normal, but I'm not particularly fond of the negative sides I'm experiencing. I thought I would handle the situation better, but honestly speaking I have been feeling emotionally and physically exhausted this past month. I've been feeling tired, skipping some workouts and 90% sure I have a flu waiting in line for me. The kids are there every other week. I've been pouring myself out on this, joining for soccer tournaments, school disco, birthdays, weekend hikes, playing inside and outside, helping out on the breakfast-dinner-bedtime routines etc. This is normal life for an experienced parent but it's all new to me. The kids and I get along well, I'm growing very fond of them. Add being in love to the mix, meeting the parents, the ex, friends, school and soccer moms and what I get is a life turned upside down with some wonderful ups and unexpected downs.

My immediate solution right now is to back off a little bit. Despite her welcoming me there during kids-week I need to find a better balance and spend more nights at my own place. This is new to us. We both need to get our shit together for it to work long term and I need to figure out if this is really what I want, because it's not what I expected. In particular, I did not expect to feel frustration because of lack of attention.

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